#NerdsUnited: That time a Silicon Valley star commented on my (now) marriage only to have ANOTHER Silicon Valley star piss me off enough to write about it

(One of) The best part(s) about being married is having someone call you out on very simple things. This morning, I passionately spoke about Thomas Middleditch and how UNBELIEVABLY disrespectful he has been as a whole not only to women, but specifically his wife. He is what is “wrong” about the “non-traditional” community, I expressed barely taking a breath. 

“Why don’t you write about it,” he asked? 

“Because, I’m in the middle of a post that I’ve been blocked on for months.” 

“But won’t writing help you through the block?” 

<tangent> Living through the worst five weeks of my life BEFORE the pandemic, only to then have a wedding itself be epic, but the week before and surrounding be EXTREMELY challenging was too much. I don't want to "finish" it because I lived it. Formative ... yes ... but it was too much to process physically to then IN TURN write about it. I'll write the rest when I'm ready to. And I'm not there yet. </tangent> 

I smiled knowing how right he was. 

And here we are. 

Maestro ... 

On Sunday, multiple friends posted about the LA Times Story #MeToo-ing actor Thomas Middleditch. The article specifically mentions the club Cloak and Dagger founded by (my IRL friend) Adam Bravin and his partner Michael Patterson. 

Adam and I have 32 mutual friends and we were once setup on a date. And by date, I mean my gf Amber Osborne tweeted at him saying our personalities are similar and that we should meet… which was followed by a DM … which was followed by an invite to the club where he was performing. Not exactly anywhere close to what I was after romantically, and considering I am a MASSIVE She Wants Revenge fan (Tear you apart is in my top three of favorite songs ever) ... I’m glad it worked out the way that it did. I’m not a groupie, never have been, never will be. Anywho … Adam and I have stayed friends over the years, and personally, I couldn’t ever say a bad thing about the guy. 

The same will not be true for Thomas. 

I’m not going to address the allegations against him, I personally don’t know anything about it … but consent is consent … and it can change in a moment's notice. 

The LA Times story goes into detail about Thomas’ inappropriate behavior at a private goth club (run by Bravin and Patterson). The new allegations brought against Middleditch also resurfaced a 2019 article from both Playboy and Interview where Thomas talked about his experience at a swing club with the director of the film (which he was promoting in said interviews) Godzilla: King of the Monsters. 

Per the THR: The story, published in July, detailed what Shields referred to as "a pretty good adventure," one that saw Shields and girlfriend Kelli accompany Middleditch and his wife Mollie to an Atlanta club called Trapeze for a double date (of sorts). "The first night that we’re all bonding, we saw each other naked. We didn’t do anything, but we certainly witnessed what a swingers club on Sunday night at like 1 a.m. is like. It’s pretty sparse, let me tell you that," Middleditch said at the time — and that was pretty much it.

The anecdote proved to be a bit of a tease in terms of Middleditch's relationship with swinging culture and now, as it turns out, he reveals it's a pretty serious one. Playboy just published a "20 Questions" feature interview in its "Pleasure" issue in which the Silicon Valley star tells the magazine's Ryan Gajewski that he is a "sexual" human who has experimented in swinging with wife Mollie. 

The reveal came after Gajewski asks Middleditch about the adventure with Shields mentioned in the Interview piece. Though he tip-toes toward the answer — "I don't want my wife to be mad at me," he says — the actor reveals he broached the subject: "Only after I got married was I like, 'Mollie, I’m sorry, but we have to get nontraditional here.' To her credit, instead of saying, 'Fuck you, I’m out,' she was like, 'Let’s figure this out.' To be honest, swinging has saved our marriage. We have different speeds, and we argue over it constantly, but it’s better than feeling unheard and alone and that you have to scurry in the shadows."

For practical purposes, swinging is defined as sexual activity that sees singles and/or partners engage in such activities with others and/or groups as a recreational or social activity. Per Middleditch, it's actually not called "swinging" anymore. "It's now called being 'part of the lifestyle.' The term 'swinging' is old," he says.

The only thing I agree with Middleditch on is it “isn’t” called "swinging" anymore.  

I’ve been a part of the “lifestyle” on and off for 11 years. It was actually during the (truly accidental) 103 dates in 9 months that I worked up the courage to actually flip my OKC account for men for women to women for women. 

From an early age I knew I wasn’t exactly “straight” nor was I “gay” nor would I even (still to this day) classify myself as bisexual.

I call myself a trysexual, which is super accurate. I will literally try anything in life once.

I don't know what I don't know ... so why pretend that I do know?

When I moved to LA in the mid-2000s, I was about a year or so in before I got an invite to a porn party at the Playboy Mansion. (It’s that fateful trip that I met one of my longest/ dearest friends who also caught the bouquet at our wedding.)

The first party was shockingly tame, but because I’m a polite person and not a douchebag, I quickly got invited to more and more parties - which I didn’t know would shape my sexual future. 

I’m a voyeur ... I like/need to watch before I try to understand what the experience is and while yes, I saw people fucking at the mansion, (only once while in the bathroom of the mattress room while hilariously trying to exit in a completely mirrored space) ... but it was never really about the sex.

What I enjoyed the most was how safe and secure I felt exploring said sexuality ... not by the cheap thrill of being turned on ... it was more about the curiosity and amazement of what ACTUALLY turned me on. 

Those first few years I went by myself (my friends for whatever reason didn’t get an invite) and if there is ever a life experience I HIGHLY recommend, it is being a 20 something, BY YOURSELF, at the Playboy Mansion.

I’d just be walking around people watching, and person after person would either ask for a picture, or ask if I wanted to hang out with them. Considering for the majority of people this is a “bucket list” item, (myself included the first time) ... the men AND women were wonderfully respectful. I was never in a situation with a couple, group, or single person that made me feel uncomfortable.

Quite the opposite!!
I’m still friends with a lot of the people I met!

(And four years after my first visit to the mansion [I used to give tours of the grounds], I met with their Chicago office (via SKYPE) as they wanted to launch a "tech" section on their website and needed a female face. I didn't tell anyone until recently, (specifically my bridesmaids) but I remember the name of the executive I met and he acknowledged how "different" my approach was to tech and also how authentic my love and respect was for the property & brand. Hef notoriously disliked tech, (which is why this never went anywhere) but I couldn't BELIEVE how quickly I was able to alchemize the adoration of attendance in a property into BECOMING THE POTENTIAL TECH FACE OF ONE OF THE (STILL) MOST RECOGNIZABLE BRANDS IN THE WORLD.) 

This is why instead of doing a "bridesmaids getting ready" fake shoot ... I did an actual photo shoot and used the same color red as Hef had in his robe with vintage playboy pins with nicknames for each of the bridesmaids. (I went for an S&M mouse mask instead of bunny ears ... but that was just my own artistic interpretation.)  

The Playboy Mansion is the ONLY place I have ever felt that "free to explore." As a woman, I am constantly not only aware of what “vibe sexually speaking” I am giving off, but also my surroundings. 

Being in that super safe environment made me realize how genuinely unsafe I feel at most other places. Even now married, it’s almost like I’m “more” of a challenge. (Which my husband loves and laughs at.)  I say all of this not to inflate my ego, but to articulate strongly HOW. MANY. HOURS. IN. A. DAY. AS. A. WOMAN. WE. ARE. ON. (some version of) “ALERT.”  

The path to sexual exploitation can ONLY be explored in a safe environment.

Even in a physical sense, to have an orgasm is a “letting go” and true expression of vulnerability. Women even release oxytocin in our brains which is LITERALLY a bonding agent. 

What struck me about reading and re-reading these articles on Thomas is how blindly unaware he is of not only boundaries but safety (and the intimacy that occurs as a direct result of awareness around your partner’s safety).

I would never judge four consenting adults going to a club together, and choosing to get naked. Would I do that with my boss? Not my style, but, again, consent is consent. 

It’s this next part that pisses me off, (as quoted from above) “though he tip-toes toward the answer — "I don't want my wife to be mad at me," he says — the actor reveals he broached the subject: "Only after I got married was I like, 'Mollie, I’m sorry, but we have to get nontraditional here.' To her credit, instead of saying, 'Fuck you, I’m out,' she was like, 'Let’s figure this out.' To be honest, swinging has saved our marriage. We have different speeds, and we argue over it constantly, but it’s better than feeling unheard and alone and that you have to scurry in the shadows."

He is PUBLICLY putting his wife, and their intimacy, on blast - WITHOUT. HER. CONSENT. 

Spotting a pattern? 

I have my husband’s consent to write what I am writing.

Our intimacy and connection is paramount to me and visceral to those around us.

(This is when being around people becomes a "thing" again.) 

Up until my husband, I wasn’t willing to integrate a man into my sexual exploration of women (and even groups). It took almost ten years after my first visit to the Playboy Mansion before I decided to actually become a participant sexually.

Due to tinder, and accepting an orgy email invite list request, (that’s an actual thing and quite the large group now), I’ve been to not one but two failed orgies, (WHO PITCHES A SCRIPT TO SOMEONE AFTER AN ORGY?! YOU HAD ONE JOB RANDOM DUDE!!) and even then my non-traditional Sex Life belonged solely to me (and technically speaking the blog ... which at the time of both orgies was owned by Bruckheimer - which is why I created a second site that I could still take ownership of my own writing). 

Looking back, I think it was a lack of maturity on my part to know even HOW to have the conversation with the only three boyfriends I’ve ever had, but two months into dating Jefe?

My sexual preferences took front & center at a Sunday brunch. 

See, the night before, we had gone to our mutual friend’s birthday party.

Jefe and I met offline (hilarious after all the online dating I did) and we were both in the same friend group (without knowing each other … yet).

All throughout the night, we did the … 

… to each other from across the room.

We both have a natural instinct of not only ourselves, but each other. It was right out the gate too - I can just "feel" him in a way intuitively and instinctively that I have never felt with anyone other than our dog Buster. 

Some point past way too many drinks and not enough food later, Jefe went to say goodbye to this girl (whom I am not particularly fond of). As he went to hug her, he placed both his arms on either side of her arms and went in for a wet one. 

Like …. directly on the lips. 

I watched the kiss (no tongue) for a solid 15 or so seconds as he then released and walked over to where I was. 

See, now this is where I’m lethal. 

I saw what I saw, but I said nothing. 

Nothing …. later that night. 

Nothing … the next morning 

… we even walked there.

I had to think through exactly how I wanted to say what I wanted to say. 

It wasn’t until brunch (at our favorite place) where I decided to say something. 

I ordered a blood orange mimosa, and took a sip before I spoke. 

“Do you realize you kissed another woman last night?” I asked genuinely unsure myself of his awareness.  

His face immediately blushed as his mouth opened from shock.

Yep, not aware, I thought. 

“I was standing on the other side of the room, and I saw you kiss [insert name of woman I am not particularly fond of here].” 

He paused, completely unsure of what to say, barely uttering an “I’m so sorry.” 

Now, technically speaking, this hadn’t come up in our relationship before (especially being so new). 

“Cheating” we both label as anything sexual without the other person being physically there. They don’t have to be participating, but they do have to be there (and conscience). Kissing is sexual. Him kissing another woman would now be considered cheating ... but then? The boundary hadn’t been set, so I can’t say definitively. 

What I did say was this … 

“I saw you kissing her, and it really turned me on. Which COMPLETELY surprised me because she’s not someone I could be friends with.”

This is why exploring at your own pace and in your own way is SO important. Just because you THINK something might be okay with you, doesn't mean that it will stay that way. Even WITH my own decade plus of exploration, I thought I'd have to at least like the person. With her, and only for that moment, I was into it. 

What happened next was a beautiful example of my own intimacy and the integration I wanted to happen with my partner. 

I told him about the women I dated. I told him about the couples I dated. I told him about the parties at the Playboy Mansion. I told him about the two failed orgies, and I asked what he thought about exploring “that” world together as a couple? 

“I don’t know,” he admitted. “I’m a really territorial person, but if this is something you’re into, of course I want to support it and am willing to try.” 

“I am into it, but I’ve only ever explored this world by myself. Never with a partner. I know what I saw last night worked for me sexually … and again I DON’T EVEN LIKE HER!!”

I didn’t know it at the time, but that conversation pretty dramatically created a foundation for our relationship to be built on not only extreme honesty, but with for the first time in my life, a partner in exploration of not only my own intimacy ... but our collective intimacy as a couple.

I took what could have been viewed as an obstruction in our relationship and turned it into an opportunity for intimacy. 

 <tangent> This is also the best part about Jefe, both he and the person of honor in our wedding (whose vintage Playboy pin nickname was Lethal Lindz) come from this beautiful and genuine place of love ... ALWAYS. I won't discredit or discount their experiences, but it's almost child like in a really really beautiful way. They both pray for people and their wellness EVERY. DAY. It's just who Jefe is naturally and without thought - he's this beacon of love. </tangent>  

It frustrates me that stories like Thomas' are equated to cheap clickbait when a life like this is anything but cheap.

Living this lifestyle has not only opened me up in ways I couldn’t imagine (both literally and figuratively) but it also lets me feel safe and supported by my partner.

If I’m ever in a situation where I “can’t handle it or don’t want to” I tag team it out. 

That safety and support has lead me to being more exploratory than ever, by the man I knew I was already in love with.

Before Covid, we’ve had threesomes, he’s seen me make out with STILL one of the most beautiful creatures I have ever seen, and are even card carrying members of the orgy dome at Burning Man (highly recommended but very early on in the day).

All of these will be articulated in separate posts.

We have codes as a couple for ... "I'm not into this but I can tell you are so keep going, but I'm going to tap out." 

We have codes as a couple for ... "I'm into this, confirming you are." 

We have codes as a couple for ... "I'm not into this and this needs to stop immediately." 

Just because I may or may not be into something, doesn't necessarily mean the other person has to stop, but in the moment it keeps us connected communicating through it in our own language.

Which in and of itself is another layer of intimacy. 

I’m the most intimate version of myself within myself and share that self with another person.

If that means being labeled “non-traditional” I am okay with that.

But don’t confuse clickbait with the actual lifestyle. 

Bye bye Middle … 

OH! and the other Silicon Valley star who commented on our (now) marriage?

One month (to the day) into our relationship, we were standing on the corner of the street (right by where we had had brunch). Jefe had just bought me flowers and we were waiting to cross at the light, in this little love bubble (even though we hadn't said it to each other yet). 

Jefe did accidentally the night before when he blurted out "I love you" instead of "I love it."

Then this slow but intentional jogger moved past us ... and he very LOUDLY announced "this is true love right here" .... pointing directly at us. 

I looked over as my eyes darted a bit ... thinking man is he psychic!!

As Jefe said, "do you know who that was?" 

Still lost in my own surprise I stayed quiet. 

It's Hoover from Silicon Valley!!!! (Jefe was a MASSIVE fan of the show.)

Well, Hoover was right, as later that evening I said for the first time "I love you" to my (now) husband. And haven't stopped saying it every day since. 

#nerdsunite

#NerdsUnited: I got married during a global pandemic at the @TreasuryOnThePlaza

In this story, there will be a marriage, two (more) deaths, MIA wedding attendants, MIA parents, a botched bachelorette party, a global pandemic and a boisterous battle cry for tits and ass. 

 

It’s an honest tale of the reality of weddings - and the SHEER PERSEVERANCE of life in 2020. 

Maestro … 

(Like most people) 2020 has been the most challenging yet rewarding year of my life. Starting on January 2nd (my then boyfriend now husband’s birthday), I had to put down (the up until that point, ABSOLUTE love of my life), Buster Brown. Three weeks to the day later, my (still at this point) boyfriend lost his sister, best friend, business partner, and soulmate. Hours after her celebration of life, I woke up to what was discovered as the sounds of gunshots. My good friend was shot five times while he slept. I was there when it happened and as a couple we went from two foundational losses into living through & in a murder investigation.



You can read all about it here, but what I couldn’t say at the time was how much I saw. I used this blog as  protection/ a declaration on how could anyone who just experienced “that” much, actually know “anything” about a murder? 

 

The answer surprised me as I knew quite a lot. (As did the other 50 people in the building who are also hawks.) I sat for hours going through security footage. I saw myself holding my boyfriend walking back into our building dressed as an angel … 

 

I wore this to the celebration of life.

only to see hours later my friend walk in with his killers through the front door ...

 

and them walk out through the back door… 

 

... while he was wheeled out shortly after. 

I wish I could say I was surprised but much like his last texts (shown in the post) - his choices were his own. 

Needing proof in a surreal state of mind, I saw the physical location of where my friend was shot, and even his new current digs which are shockingly higher than market rate. 

 

I say that in jest but the reality was, that my system was shutting down and I didn’t know it but I was becoming catatonic. The “Jen” that I’ve so proudly and authentically known my entire life, couldn’t think, see, or breathe clearly. Whatever or whoever this new person was/ is was singularly focused not on finding the people who murdered him (they caught them super quickly) but in finding a solution to this new reality on how to move forward. As a building, we didn’t even get an email or memo regarding what happened. We got a knock on the door from the police and a new navigation path through yellow tape reading POLICE LINE DO NOT CROSS. 

 

 Through an unimaginable amount of strength and sheer will I successfully organized a meeting for the murder … for obvious reasons I called the memo “murder meeting” …. and opened up the communication channels for the residents in the form of an email chain. You can't google "what to do when your neighbor is murdered" and find accurate information. I know this because I tried and what you will find is a brilliant content marketing strategy for attorneys wanting to procure business for landlord negligence. No one wanted to sue, we just wanted to feel safe and now no longer trusted management. Through research and pounding on doors and the pavement, I took an intangible problem and found a tangible solution. I'm still really proud of that.

Feeling like my job was done in a body I barely recognized or identified, I cried to my still at this point boyfriend. 

WHAT THE FUCK ELSE IS GOING TO HAPPEN THIS YEAR, I shouted into his arms. 

I love that this is the part where everyone reading knows EXACTLY what is going to happen next. 

ENTER STAGE LEFT WITH JAZZ HANDS … 

If there were ever a time to have the worst five weeks of your life, it was really quite brilliant to pair it with a global pandemic. The heaviness of the murder became old news. Who knew a murder could suddenly become anti-climactic … 

 

and anything criminal happening near or around the building meant we had the DIRECT CONTACT INFORMATION for the lead safety officer. (Who also has personally placed calls to the attorney general for multiple violations of our protection.)

He's the person who held the meeting for murder. I know this because we’re homies now … 

 

I can’t remember much from the beginning of the pandemic.

I only remember the literal beginning when my friend called me from the governor’s office and said “we are going into a two week quarantine. You need to go to the store right now and stock up on what you can.” 

Shocked, but without thought or a follow up question, I said “I love you, and okay” as I hung up. I had never told this friend I loved him before, but it was TRUE! 

 

Seconds later, I got a second message from a friend of a friend who didn’t say we were going into a quarantine but rather cryptically on the app Signal, he messaged asking if  I “needed anything?” Simple - but out of character. I immediately knew he got a call too, and that this was actually happening. 

 

Holy shit, I said to my still boyfriend and little sister (soon to be maid of honor who happened to be over because we love each other and live in the same building) - we really are going into some type of quarantine. I couldn’t process fully what that meant, but I said, “we need to go to the store right now and be as calm as possible. I don’t know how many other people are getting calls like this.”

… I GOT TWO!! TWO … 

 

I didn’t know what going grocery shopping before a quarantine would be like but in my head I saw the potential for a Mufasa masssacre style stampede. 

<tangent> I have been told for most of my life by my friends that “I was on their zombie apocalypse list. And if the shit were to ever hit the fan, that I was someone they would want to be alive in whatever the new reality was. The realization of how COOL that moment was that it actually came true. I later discovered that the second friend was in the offices of the CDC.  </tangent> 

My still boyfriend drove (I’m laying the still boyfriend aspect on REAL thick), as I texted as many people as I could cutting and pasting the information I had received.

This is what I sent: 

 

And then as I texted people, one of my friends wrote this back confirming the information received: 

My sister piped up from the back seat saying, “you also just received this news. Why don’t you take a breath and stop texting people for a minute.” 

Oh, I thought, that sounds right, as I literally took a breath and laughed at the reality of our situation. 

Guys, can we all just take a minute to take a picture? Look at how we walked out the door in a moment’s notice … 

 

Look at how terrifyingly psychic my sis is. She BOUGHT ME A MASK that is a hawk and it lights up when you talk OVER A MONTH BEFORE THE QUARANTINE! People weren't even TALKING about having to wear masks yet - she just said "I was in Brooklyn and saw this and thought of you!"

She. bought. me. a. mask. before. we. were. legally. required. to. wear. them. 

We then casually .... yet super creepily ... wandered through the store with the deliberate intent and awareness that we were going into a quarantine. With three full carts of paper related products (toilet paper was gone at this point), food and drinks … we casually/ super creepily walked up to the cashier to checkout. 

This is what we looked like …. 

 

Totally casual … just happen to be hosting a party for about 50 people ... 

 

This is the exact sake cart that gets mentioned in the Maid of Honor's showstopping speech mentioned later. 

I remember the look the cashier gave us, it was a mix between WTF are they wearing and WTF are they buying? We’re never normal but in this moment, we were very much not normal. 

 

It was in this exact life moment that I learned so much about myself. In a circumstance that has historically been unprecedented, I was exactly the person I thought I would be. I’ve always been someone who will speak up when information is important (or even difficult to hear myself). I’ve always been the person who will help out as much as I can to those I care about. And I’ve always been the person that despite whatever circumstances arrived, I can keep a singular and laser focus on whatever the “prize” is. 

In this life moment, my still boyfriend, sister, and I calculated visually an approximation of how much toilet paper adjascent product we would need. 

“I think I can survive on a three squares each use,” he said. 

Great, I said (impressed but also), because two neighbors just texted saying they don’t have enough so I’m going to drop two packages off. Because of the murder, I had everyone’s number. Technically speaking I had it before via the game nights I hosted in the lobby - but in this moment, I knew all of the numbers I had were recent, and this was a time when they were needed the most. 

 

Besides, guys, we have a shower. That’s like a life size bidet … being out of toilet paper really isn’t the end of the world. 

 

Questioning myself if the end of the world could actually be upon us, I smiled knowing that if the predictions were true, at least I was spending it with two people I love more than anything (and coincidentally happen to be the funnest people ever)!!! 

 

Here we go, we all said in cheers, unsure of what was going to happen next. 

 

What happened next was (as you all know) a quarantine. Which was a phrase up until this point that I knew of, but had never thought I’d actually experience. Phrases like “hunker down” became a thing, but so did the one phrase I’ve been waiting to hear my entire life … 

 

Two weeks into the pandemic, on Buster’s birthday (April Fool’s Day) my then still boyfriend became my fiancè. 

You can read hear how it happened. 

We then placed FaceTime call after FaceTime call giving those we love our good news … which came in REAL handy since much like toilet paper - good news had also run dry. 

I’ve never seen expressions of joy like I have with an engagement announcement during a pandemic. Technically, I wouldn’t know what it was like outside of a pandemic as this was a life first, but you get what I mean.

A month later, still in the pandemic, we made the painstakingly difficult decision to go through with a wedding. Our parents mean the world to us, so even if we had to have a wedding consisting of six people - that would be our life experience and we would embrace it. The idea of not having our parents present to witness our vows was unacceptable. A pandemic may or may not have a perceived timeline, but father time waits for no one. 

Through research, I then discovered there’s something called an “all inclusive wedding package.” 

 

An all inclusive wedding means that your DJ, caterer, florist, cake person, and wedding planner are all people that work together. I’ve heard time and time again from friends that it’s hard to enjoy your own wedding. If we do this, I said to my fiancé, we are enjoying the SHIT out of our wedding. Every moment. Every minute. We are going to savor it. And while time may feel a little weird right now, we are going to make this all about us. 

I then googled “historical all inclusive weddings” and saw this … 

 

This is the Treasury On The Plaza aka the most BREATHTAKING wedding venue I have ever seen. (Seriously, pictures don’t even do it justice - which says a lot!)

Logically, because most of the people attending the wedding were in Florida, it made the most sense to host it there. Saint Augustine (location of said potential venue) made the most sense because it had the least amount of covid cases in Florida. And Treasury on the Plaza made the most sense because LOOK AT THIS PLACE!!! 

 

Now, as the bride and groom, did we legally or logistically know how we were physically going to get to Florida being on the other side of the country? 

 

Did we know we would figure it out? 

Well, we got this far, so I’d bet a TP square or two that we could.  

 

I then sent the link of the venue to my mother, as I went grocery shopping in a mask and glove that conveniently fit over my engagement ring. Unsure of what a wedding costs, and unsure of what our budget would be given we have both been directly impacted financially, I placed an also unsure call en route back to the potential venue.

 

The friendliest voice answered, and said “Congratulations!! You’re engaged!!!” 

Thank you, I said, while I admitted my truth - “I don’t feel engaged.” 

“Well, let’s see if we can change that! My name is Jessica and I’m here to help. What date are you looking for?” 

“Can we get married this year? I said with uncertainty on availability and uncertainty on pandemic restrictions (as each state had rules that were changing in what felt like minute by minute). 

“Pick a date!” 

 

Having no frame of reference on how long it takes to plan a wedding, I asked if November was too soon? 

She then looked down at her calendar and said how about October 29th? 

 

She didn’t know this, but I started to tear up when she said it. I lost a very dear and good friend on October 29th and knew that while she was already gone, she was ABSOLUTELY the biggest champion of love and I could not only alchemize that experience, but honor her in the process. PLUS! This would also mean that our wedding would be paired with Halloween each year and since Halloween is my Christmas, it made the most sense. 

 

Traditionally, the bride’s parents pay for the wedding and while most of my life may not be traditional, I hoped they could help out. Very fortunately, my parents could afford it, and due to this special covid package they were offering, they had a budget that allowed for our first venue choice to happen. 

I can’t begin to tell you the relief in that moment. Out of ALL of the things that had happened this year, I now had not one but two things that were certain … I am going to spend the rest of my life with the man I had already spent every second of the day in quarantine FOR OVER A MONTH, and now visually, I knew where we would create that declaration of our love.

LITERALLY everything else made zero sense, and while there was also a strong reality that we might not be allowed to have guests, we knew that we could have at least six people in the room and that was all that mattered. 

 

For the first time in 2020 my vision was clear but unfortunately, it didn’t stay that way for long. 

After the murder, I was very proactive in seeking therapy. I signed up for group grief therapy, we went to couples therapy, and I even took individual sessions with our couples therapist. I attacked my mental health self care like I do business - it was my number one priority. Fortunately or unfortunately though, that placed the label of BRIDE into the backseat. It was hard to “feel” engaged during a global pandemic when one, you’re not allowed to be around people, so I genuinely forgot to tell people … and two, when we did pick the date, I feared the judgement of others. Who plans a wedding during a pandemic? Who WANTS to plan a wedding during a pandemic? The answer is no one, and while the reasons why we did it are personal, it was with a lot of GREAT thought and painstakingly difficult risk/ reward analysis. 

Surprised at the care of what others thought, once I had that realization, I quickly reframed our wedding experience. I said to my fiancé, no matter how big or small the wedding is and no matter who can or cannot make it, we have to understand that people are putting their health first and it’s not personal to either one of us. Our parents will be there, and anyone else that can attend is just an added bonus. He completely agreed and added “it’s all out of our control. We can only do our best, and be as safe as possible. The rest will be what it will be.” 

“What will be” became a list of “instead of-s” … 

Instead of throwing an engagement party, we drove around Los Angeles shouting from the car “WE JUST GOT ENGAGED!!”  

Instead of seeing the venue before you begin planning the wedding, we Facetimed the wedding planner (with my parents present) to confirm this is what we wanted. 

Instead of getting to “propose” to your bridal party, I placed individual calls and sent gifs asking “would you be my bridesmaid?” 

Instead of getting to sip champagne with your bridal party as you tried on dresses I tried on one dress (with my now Maid Of Honor) after approximately 167 hours of research and purchased said dress during the riots in Los Angeles in a bridal store that had just been looted ... 

 

Fortunately they left this one behind … 

 

And instead of drinking champagne in the store when we bought it, we drank it in the parking lot afterwards … next to the saddest McDonalds Apple pie … 

 

<tangent> Actually, this part is really funny. So everything with your wedding dress will become a “thing.” When you try it on, when you decide it’s yours, when you pick it up … I knew the picking it out was a thing, but I didn’t realize the picking it up was one too. I got the call that the dress was in so I logically drove over to pick it up. Social distancing myself from the attendants, they placed the dress on this plastic wall (where I could retrieve it). Having already paid for it, I grabbed it, and as I did the woman questioned my choice and said, “DON’T YOU WANT TO SEE THE DRESS AND TRY IT ON BEFORE YOU GRAB IT?” 

 

I thought to myself, this is the dress I bought and paid for, right? Because if it isn’t then yes, I would like to see it. Or, if it is a monkey and not a dress at all then yes, I would like to see that as well. Her face looked really confused, as I said “please, I would love to see the dress but due to covid I would prefer to try it on at home.” (I don’t know why I felt the need to please the attendant at this point but considering I wasn’t feeling very “bridal” I might as well go along with the bridal attendant.) 

 

She then unzipped the garment bag as I saw my dress. 

Damn, not a monkey, I thought, but wow! It really is as pretty as I remember. </tangent> 

Instead of having a bridal shower, we had a half zoom half old lady dance party courtesy of the Maid of Honor, my mother and my fiancés sister. 

 

Why an old lady party? Technically speaking it was a Golden Girls party and here’s why … 

Last Christmas my family and my still boyfriend’s family all got together to meet. At the after party (hosted at my still boyfriend’s sister’s house) his nearly 80 year old Aunt cornered me and said “when is he going to propose?” 

“You should ask him that question,” I said very matter of fact but also respectful that I really didn’t want to know. 

This next part caught me off guard … 

“I ask because I want to see the strippers. The good kind of strippers. You know the ones I mean.” 

I’m not a fan of male strip clubs at all, but I did know what she meant, “you mean the Magic Mike kind?” 

“YES!!” she said with a face brighter than the Christmas tree behind her. 

 

Immediately I had this visual of all these little old ladies at a strip club, so I texted my sister (soon to be Maid Of Honor) “when I do get engaged and we throw a bachelorette party, I want to theme it like Golden Girls. I just want to see these old ladies around male strippers making it weird.” 

 

She remembered that text and FLAWLESSLY executed the surprise bridal shower of my dreams. I’m a very difficult person to surprise and not only did she surprise me but when my best friend asked “what’s with the old lady theme?” I shared with her the story, and then she said, “but you need checks too. Instead of dollar bills, you need to write the strippers checks.” OMG, I thought, having the vision of writing a check to Matthew Beefcake in the amount of .53 cents. 

 

I couldn’t have gotten through the engagement without the Maid of Honor. I see why they call them that now and why brides have them. She’s so empathic and aware, she could tell when I was feeling sorry for myself at the lack of expectations being met on “what being engaged” is supposed to look and feel like and in those moments she would either help me reframe my perspective, or she would “door fairy” little bridal gifts that reminded me of the label I wanted as the person that started this website and the person I am today writing on it. 

 

I’m lucky that my friends and I choose to find the humor in life, but having felt like we’ve all been through SO much this year - couldn’t something finally be genuinely funny and not a conscious choice to find the humor?  

With the lack of expectations on my side not being met, as a couple we decided to change our own narrative and change the order in which things would happen. Due to how small the ceremony needed to be for safety, we decided to host not only a Florida ceremony but also an LA one. The engagement would be a “re-do” before the LA ceremony (whenever that can be) and instead of doing a bachelor or bachelorette party before the wedding, we’re going to do it the day after (since everyone will be there any way and even hosting a small party that’s non-essential felt selfish). 

Last month, we flew out to finally see the venue and do six months of wedding planning in just two days. We wore hazmat suits on the plane to concurrently execute Breaking Bad cos-play, and not only did we get mistaken for the CDC but we also conducted a social experiment at baggage claim on how people responded to someone in an official looking uniform. I held my hands up to pretend to direct traffic, and people actually listened. Three did not, but four did (and then we laughed our asses off). 

This is what I looked like walking through the airport ... 

We got this, we consistently said to each other throughout this process. We may not have the expectations we wanted, or the people we want there to see it, but what we do have is each other and whatever life is going to HAND to us we know we can HAND-all-of-it. 

Little did we know how powerful that sentence was going to be.

Three days before the wedding, my fiancé suffered another foundational loss. This time a brother (and also soulmate and business partner). It was very sudden, he dropped dead, and his passing set into a series of cause and effect that threatened whether or not the wedding would even happen. 

 

THREE DAYS before the wedding … the day of I was so unsure if it was going to happen I hadn’t even texted instructions to the “minister” on where he should be … 

(Obviously I didn’t want to say anything to anyone until I knew definitively what was going on- but clearly this shows my state of mind.) 

NOR TOLD HIM WHAT TO WEAR ... 

 

I said to my fiancé when we got the news, “we are going to handle everything minute to minute and if at any given moment we need to leave, go back to LA, or even just go back to the hotel, it’s what will be done, and we will figure the rest out.” My brain couldn’t process the logistics of cancelling something SO last minute, but out of the love and respect for my partner and YET ANOTHER foundational loss just months apart - I didn’t know what else to say or do. 

 

(I call it a foundational loss because it’s a loss that literally shakes your foundation. It could be a parent, brother, sister, best friend - whatever that means to you but someone who is so foundationally involved in your life that when they leave - a part of you leaves with them.) 

I always knew “I would do anything for love,” but in that moment, I was proud that that umbrella also might have included “a bride cancelling her own wedding due to a very traumatized and grieving groom.” Obviously, it wouldn’t have been his “fault” but it was yet another blow to our expectations of what our wedding week would look like. 

My body didn’t know what to do with the news. Instinctively, I texted the Maid of Honor and my father. 

We had gotten the call in the Uber on the way to the hotel, and while he was in shock, I immediately went into grief physically sobbing on the floor of the bathroom in our bed and breakfast. I can’t describe the grief that I felt for him. Both his chosen brother and sister died MONTHS apart (both were very young) and BOTH were supposed to be at the wedding. (Technically speaking not the brother for the Florida ceremony but we were slated to have dinner with him after and he would attend the LA ceremony. He even sent us a package for the wedding that we also had to pick up.) 

 

As I cried, I updated them on the progress: 

My brain couldn’t imagine why the timing was the way it was. WHY NOW?! I thought and cried. 

Wow, my fiancé said, look at what Jared (our very good friend) said. He then showed me the text and it read “maybe this is happening because now more than ever the two of you need all the support you can get. The people you love most in the world will be celebrating you and there for you all this week. You can also look at this as good timing.” 

That comment snap crackled and popped me into a new perspective. I didn’t know if I wanted to fully believe it, but it did help. 

Alright, I have to take a mental break. In the next post, I’ll talk about how we actually managed to pull through, and how I now have a full grasp of what Dickens meant by saying “it was the best of times it was the worst of times.” I still don’t even know how to process what was the last two weeks. I’m glad I’m at least trying! 

#staytuned

 

#NerdsUnited: I got engaged during the apocalypse!

This life experience is SO "on brand" ... it's ... it's ... 

For the last twenty months, I have been happily and lovingly in a relationship that I didn't talk about on this blog nor in social media. We have plenty of pictures posted together, and when I'd meet up with friends of the site, I'd tell them if they asked who I was dating ... I had nothing to hide. (He's the one referenced as my best friend in posts, because he actually is!)

I spent 10 years documenting life & specifically dating - I'm very proud of that fact.

I'm also a social scientist who tests different theories and questions I have about said life.

This was something that after 7,500 blog posts - I hadn't done before ... and who woulda thunk that it actually worked! 

We got engaged on April 1st ... which is not only April Fool's day ... but this year it's April Fool's day DURING THE APOCALYPSE ....

... AND ... also our recently passed dog's birthday.

You're still the best boy ever Buster Brown!!! <3

We lost Buster Brown very suddenly earlier this year (the loss is still devastating). He was put down on my fiancee's birthday, so since Buster bogarted his birthday, he decided to repay the favor by bogarting his!!

... but with love and not death!! 

Speaking of doing something I haven't tried before, this post is going to be written not just from my perspective, but from my fiancee's as well.

Have you noticed I can't stop using that word ... 

Wait, where are my manners ...

Nerds, meet (lets call him) Jefe. 

Jefe, (you can't see them all) but you can thank all of these amazing nerds for their support in my journey to find you. 

Isn't he handsome? Handsome AND weird.

... that is a photo I took of him casually hanging out on a rooftop drinking a martini last week. 

.... this is a photo he took of me (upon the realization that I accidentally matched the art deco decor).

... neither instances were costume parties ... we just take life and having fun aggressively serious. 

See this face? That is some seriously aggressive fun we are having. 

These are three of my favorite photos from that day (they actually hang in our apartment). 

I was walking out of the restroom @ the Frolic room & snapped Jefe's album cover ... 

I styled the outfits and Buster & Jefe shared the lion's mane at the punk version of the yellow brick road for our family photo ... 

Buster HATED me for these photos, but now thankfully, we can cherish them (as he's no longer here).

Shut up already, onto the post.

Rules: Before writing this, I outlined a series of neutral questions about the engagement that we independently and then collectively answered. I wanted an honest piece on what this life experience was like from both perspectives. 

Maestro ...

Q:  Did you always know you wanted to get married? 

Jefe: Up until 40- then I determined I just wanted a partner and if marriage was a deal breaker for her then yes I’d happily agree. 

Jen: "Yes, but marriage wasn't a placeholder. I was happy when I was single. I was happy in my relationship. I am happy now that I’m engaged. I’m not someone who saw marriage as an achievement to unlock. I knew in 2018 (and spoke often of it in writing) I was at a place where I was ready to meet “the one." (Which btw took eight years of self work - that two years later still hasn't ended.)

What I didn’t know was that on said first date WITH THE ONE ... I didn't recognize him.

My report card back from our first date was "great guy not my guy" ... but I'll be his wing woman at parties!

Yeah, that also didn't happen ... BUT I DID MEAN IT!"  

I'm a very intentional person and I REALLY DID MEET MY FUTURE HUSBAND FOUR MONTHS AFTER THIS WAS TAKEN!

Q: How did you know that this was the person you were ready to spend the rest of your life with? 

Jefe: Simply it’s the ease. The ease at how we communicate, how we make love, how we laugh, how we adventure, how we surprise each other. In a word ‘ease’.

Jen: I'd agree with ease. It's without a doubt the easiest relationship I've ever been in but I think that's just because we are a blend of opposites attract meet similar morals and integrity. (We say "please and thank you" to each other at least 20 times a day. You'd be surprised how something so small actually isn't.)

Jefe is an ENFP male and I'm an INTJ female. He didn't take the test until a month or so ago, but we are THE DEFINITION OF SOUL MATES - it's pretty awesome actually.

Here's our compatibility chart ... 

Having this as the baseline was a plus, but in terms of the rest of our lives - it was one specific adventure.

In January 2019, we had gone to Joshua Tree with our friends and I saw how seriously he took not only the people he loves (and what those relationships mean to him), but also the characters he creates. He is HANDS DOWN one of the best impersonators I have ever seen/heard. He can develop a character on the spot that's brilliant ... it's ... complex ... dynamic - AND HE COMMITS TO IT FOR THE ENTIRE DAY/EVENING. 

The cab driver was so impressed with our outfits he asked for a picture. He said we were the "weirdest people in Yucca Valley" which is quite the accomplishment!His commitment to costumes, creativity and love was a serious panty dropper in whatever outfit this is that I'm wearing. 

Q: What was it like waking up on April 1st? 

Jefe: I was relatively calm, which gave me pause, but since I had to focus on logistics it helped keep my mind off what was about to happen.

Jen: I knew I was going to marry Jefe in January of 2019. Every day after that trip until April 1st of this year was held in some sort of surprise of "is he going to do it today?" Mind you, not like a psycho, but I knew what I knew, and if he had asked me to go to the courthouse the Monday after our trip - I would have said yes.

He realized how serious I was about four months later .... when I still wouldn't shut up about it .... and instead of brushing it aside, he offered for us to get dressed up and go to an opulent setting where we would discuss our past, present, and future goals. 

We then went to the Biltmore in downtown LA and laid our cards on the collective-soon-to-hopefully-be-married table.

We discussed our finances, children, and family dynamic from both a wish and "current state" perspective.

(It helps to have serious discussions in a neutral setting. Good or bad. When we have an argument we try the best we can to keep it outside of the house. Doesn't always work, but we're intentional about it.)

His suggestion was not only a terribly romantic thing that I suggest doing with your partner, but it also made things very clear in terms of what our future looks like.

As a strategist, I feel safe and secure when I understand where someone is coming from. I don't want to have to think about all the other options, and if he was truly the man of his word that I knew he was, his actions would prove it. 

In terms of marriage, I said, "I would like to be engaged before the end of the year and married next (meaning engaged in 2019 and married in 2020)." 

He agreed, and in that moment, we accidentally unlocked another intimacy achievement.

There was a power not only in saying those words out loud, but knowing that they were heard. I've never said the sentence "I want to get engaged this year and married next." 

I knew we were similar, I just didn't realize HOW similar until that moment - which made me feel even closer to the man I already knew I was going to marry. 

Q: What were the logistics in executing the proposal? Did anything surprise you? 

Jefe: First, making Jen think the whole day was her idea. I planted several seeds in the months leading up. I knew she’d want to celebrate Buster’s bday, I knew she’d think Griffith Park would be epic, I knew she’s been wanting to use the picnic backpack her brother gave her for Christmas. I knew that our favorite wine and cheese stop was still open (with social distancing) - so we were good. 

What surprised me was that I kept thinking I needed to hide the champagne, to the point that I hid a bucket in my trunk days earlier- thinking I’d ice the champagne secretly in the trunk and sneak it to the picnic. After going to the pharmacy I was waiting in line at the sandwich shop and thought ‘crap I didn’t get ice at the pharmacy’ then thought- ‘wait a minute- the champagne can be to toast Buster’ this was my first hint that I wasn’t thinking clearly."

Jen: On Buster's last day, we gave him chocolate, took him to Griffith Park for one last stroll and a solid pee, and then sang (a very off key version of) "We Are Family." Considering we were under a "stay at home order" (except for parks at this point), I knew it was a way we could honor someone who meant so much to both of us on his birthday, while also being safe. I had no other involvement in planning but I respect that he let me plan that part. Previously, I had also asked that before he proposes, he:

1) asks for my father's permission

2) gets down on one knee (you'd be surprised how many people don't because it hasn't been communicated to them that that's what their partner wants) 

3) makes sure I have a manicure.

I wanted to be surprised in the proposal. I didn't want to know, and I didn't want to plan. I just had to trust and surrender which was BRUTALLY hard having the realization that this was the man that I was going to marry and waiting all those months later for it to happen on his terms.

I couldn't "force" him into it, NOR WOULD I WANT TO!!! 

<tangent> There are two honest questions you have to ask yourself as a dater:

1) Do you want to get married? 2) Do you want to have children? If the answer is yes, to one or either than you have your answer independent of anyone else. Some people don't want to get married and don't want kids. Totally understandable. I'm a breeder and I couldn't be with someone who didn't want kids and didn't want to get married.

Loving this man and wanting to marry him also meant respecting his timeline and wishes (and again based on the wishes we outlined in our soon-to-hopefully-be-married-meeting).

Loving myself meant honoring those two desires and not letting go of that fact.

 Let me repeat that for the boys in the back ...

Loving myself meant honoring those two desires and not letting go of that fact.

I would have left him if he didn't propose. I had a timeline in my head but FORTUNATELY IT DIDN'T HAPPEN!!! </tangent> 

Q: How did the proposal happen? 

Jefe: After setting up the picnic, we cheersed sparkling rose to Buster’s picture then I pretended to take photos of Jen, knowing full well I had to get her so stand up so I could get on one knee (per her request), and since she had her mickey ears on and appreciates my photography I knew she wouldn’t suspect a thing when I told her to stand so I could get her silhouette against the sunlight.

I had already placed the ring box in my hand and as soon as she stood up I said, shaking, “Will you Jennifer and Dorothy Friel marry me?”

Even during the proposal he not only proposed to Jennifer (my first name) but he also proposed to Dorothy (my middle name and also) my bitchy neuveau riche alter ego. 

Jen: We arrived at Griffith Park shortly before 5:20 (the time Buster passed) and began setting up the picnic.

I could tell how nervous Jefe was, but I couldn't figure out why.

I even asked on the car ride over, but didn't push since everything in life feels tense right now. 

He then poured two glasses of sparkling rose (my favorite) as we cheersed Buster.

He initiated the toast as we raised our glasses, "to Buster Brown for helping the love of my life learn to love."

We then kissed as I thought that was terribly sweet.

Then without pause, breath, or even a sip of his champagne, he started taking pictures.

Here is what he shot ...

The lighting happened to be pretty epic as it was golden hour. 

He went in this half circle around me pretending to take more pictures but this was the last one he took ... 

You can see on my face I had no idea what he was doing.

I then heard him say, "can you please ... stand ... up ..." in a language that sounded close to English but not the way I've heard anyone say it before.

Without thought, just focusing on how cool the ears looked with the shadow effect, I stood up and saw him down on one knee holding an open box I had never seen before.

Now, normally, this is where the girl puts her hand over her mouth and goes "OMG I AM SO SURPRISED."

We've all seen the face ... 

 ... THE SAME EXACT FACE IN EVERY PROPOSAL SCENE EVER ... 

... my face wasn't that.

My face looked more like this ... 

I was definitely surprised to see the ring we had picked out together (I have very specific taste and wanted to make it part of our journey to find it together), and was totally surprised with how well planned/thought out everything was ... I just couldn't fully HEAR exactly what he had asked me.

He said the words, "Jennifer and Dorothy Friel will you marry me?" so quickly it sounded like a sneeze.

I laughed realizing this was "the big moment ... the one little girls dream of their whole lives" and I was surprisingly caught off guard with how little this was about me.

The proposal is about the person doing the proposing - my only job was to say yes to the person I already want to spend the rest of my life with.

It's the proposed's job beforehand to make sure they communicate the basics of "how" they want it done (I'm REALLY thankful we did that with our intention setting and had continued marriage conversations) but also then let the person be. Give them the space to figure out the "where's and the when;" I only had three rules. 

Obviously, I said yes, and as he got up from one knee, he put the ring on while saying "THANK GOD ITS THE RIGHT ONE." 

Knowing this was the ring I picked out, I was a little confused.

Pushing that aside we then sat back down and made out for an appropriate amount of "WE JUST GOT ENGAGED" TIME! 

I was really happy that he didn't video it, nor did anyone clap or celebrate us at all. We were around a bunch of meat heads working out without their gym during the apocalypse. ABSOLUTELY no one cared - which made it extra special to me how intimate the whole thing was and that Buster was involved (since it was his love that allowed me to have space to love Jefe as much as I do). 

Q: What happened after the proposal? 

Jefe: We took photos and called our families to share in the good news while everyone around us remained L.A. cool pretending not to notice us.

Jen: After we made out, I went into immediate detective/ scientist/ analyst mode. I asked him how he felt waking up this morning? See, he woke up KNOWING he was about to propose. I woke up knowing it was our dog's birthday and we were going to go to a park. Obviously we were both over the moon with how the day ended, but only he knew what was going to happen. 

"Yeah," he said, "but I didn't know if you were going to say yes." 

I laughed saying, "could you imagine if I said no and then we had to awkwardly go back to our apartment living in a quarantine together for the next however long?" 

I pressed, also "what did you mean when you were surprised that the ring fit?" 

"They mixed up the order when I went to pick up the ring. The attendant wasn't the brightest crayon in the box and forgot to write down your size on the receipt. She only had the work order and number for the actual ring - not the size (and now there were two of the exact same ring in different sizes).

Only you knew the size and I had a 50/50 chance of guessing accurately. I'm just glad I guessed right." 

I can't say I'd care that he got the wrong size but it would be horrible timing during a quarantine to try and get a jewelry shop to open because they gave you the wrong size. 

Comical, but most likely wouldn't have happened and definitely wouldn't have made shouting this phrase nearly as fun ... 

"Do you like the box?" he asked. "I got it on Etsy! It was really hard to get it delivered with all the delay timing with packages now." 

Another surprise for the day I thought as I said ... "you know what Etsy is?"

See, "our" symbol for love is the hexagon.

The hexagon is the most powerful geometric shape in the universe. You can read more about it here. 

From my perspective, I couldn't BELIEVE the attention to detail. Who thinks of putting the ring in a meaningful box too?!? Everything was so "authentically us," I couldn't have imagined it happening any other way on any other day. 

We then Facetimed our family and close friends ... they didn't know we were screenshotting them but these reactions are PRICELESS!! 

My little sister Linds seriously needs to do reaction videos.

The best part of the day was seeing people we love be SO happy during a time when so many other things quite frankly aren't. 

Q: Did anyone’s reaction surprise you? 

Jefe: No.

Jen: No. Our families and friends all get along super well and were SO happy for us. 

I mean this is a photo and meme created by AND OF my future mother in law ... 

I've waited my whole life for a mother-in-law like this!!

Q: Does anything feel different now that you are engaged? 

Jefe: No.

Jen: Yes. He honored his commitment not only to me and our relationship but also to himself. There's a lot of verbal dicking in dating and this isn't that.

Two emotionally available people continue to work on themselves and each other while living and loving in a healthy relationship.

Oh yeah and my engagement ring fits snug around the glove we have to wear during the apocalypse. I have to fix it every time I go outside which is a reminder that ...

Q: Is there anything you would change looking back? And or would you have done anything differently? 

Jefe: Not at all, however I do wish Jen’s expectation of me proposing on NYE hadn’t occurred because I still feel her embarrassment and disappointment from that.

Jen: Remember this part of the post "loving myself meant honoring those two desires and not letting go of that fact?" I thought when we set our intentions he was going to propose sometime before the end of the year (meaning 2019). Our families had also just met and spent Christmas together.

Like I said earlier, everyone got along SO well and over and over and over I heard "when is he going to propose?" I didn't have an answer, I knew it wasn't going to be on that trip (as we had talked about it before) - but come NYE we were set to spend it with our very dear and loved friends doing what we call an Art Night (where we get access to Pollution Studios in downtown and basically turn it into a Fantasy Factory). 

It's one of my favorite spaces on the planet and while I was disappointed he waited until THE ABSOLUTE LAST DAY OF THE YEAR - I was happy that he was finally proposing (and what a perfect place to have it)!

Before the evening began, I grabbed our journal (we co-journal together because we're writers and bond over that shit) and wrote him a note to read after the fact.

I'll keep the details private but it was a pre-thank you letter for the rest of our lives.

Mind you during this art night, we both had the realization that Buster's health was fading dramatically.

He had so many health issues over the years, I just assumed this was another one of his battles we'd be fighting together - and unfortunately he physically couldn't fight anymore. 

We spent the night at the studio (being smart and not wanting to drive) - and after some breakfast I realized how angry I was and that I needed time to cool down. 

(He didn't know I was upset because I didn't know how to process that we had set these intentions and from my perspective they weren't upheld.)

We physically grabbed Buster placing him in the car and then set up a fort to relax as a family.

We make an actual fort in the living room and watch TV - it's super sweet actually.

Halfway into the first movie, I started to cry.

Assuming it was about Buster, Jefe placed his arms around me.

With every ounce of my own personal strength, I asked "why didn't you propose? We set our intentions."

"What do you mean why didn't I propose?" he asked.

This is when I physically stood up a bit and said, "you weren't even THINKING about proposing?"  

Mind you as all of this is happening there is a dog that will be dead in less than 24 hours in between us inside our fort.

I continued with even more tear filled eyes, "how are we so far off base that I thought you were going to propose and you weren't even THINKING ABOUT IT?!"

I then thought about whether or not I should show him the note I had written the night before.

I even wrote the line "if you don't I'm going to tear this page out and you won't know I thought this." 

I questioned what the stronger choice would be.

This was a VERY vulnerable and embarrassing moment for me personally.

Considering especially that communication is our strongest suit!! That's our THING!!! It's what we do best!!!!

Shying away from it didn't seem like the right thing to do.

If this is to be "my person" shouldn't they see you for who you are not who you are pretending to be. 

"I didn't know you meant getting engaged by the end of last year. I thought you meant a year from when we set the intentions (meaning April of THIS year)."

I then went into the other room and grabbed the journal. 

I read it to him line by line thanking him for the beginning of the rest of our lives and thanking him for our love and how much I love him. 

"I meant every word," I said with even more tear stained cheeks and the reality that the look he was giving was one I had never seen before. 

He was so hurt.

Not by me but for me.

It was an honest miscommunication but I held onto his word in that intention- setting it as his honor.

In A year and in THIS year are definitely close, but in that moment, I was more proud of the fact that I felt even closer to the man I already loved.

Not because something was his "fault" but because it was one of the most intimate moments of my life and we shared it together.

In that one moment, I loved myself SO much that I was willing to risk LOSING the love of my life if he wouldn't honor what he said he would. 

That person is a very different person than the one that started this blog searching for love.

It took finding the love of my life to realize it was inside me all along. 

Hello love, it's nice to finally meet you. 

... and I've had you tattooed on my wrist for a REALLY long time. 

#nerdsunite-d

 

#Question: What is the most effective way to "get over" a murder investigation? Answer: A global pandemic

<editorsnote> I'm fascinated by the fact that social media created a culture of cancel and right now culture is literally canceled globally due to a virus (or more realistically an invisible boogieman that can actually kill you). I've never "given in" to Cancel Culture, nor do I agree with it. If you sanitize comedy, or self expression too much, you run the risk of a society becoming the mascot in the TV show Community (as seen below) ... 

The "generic human being" is so delirious inoffensive that it goes around the circle of offense and actually becomes offensive. Being offended by something allows the opportunity for growth within individuals. Any time I find myself being offended by something, I ask, "why does this bother me so much? What in me is being triggered and can I use this life experience as an opportunity and not just sit behind my phone or computer posting something hoping to receive validation or even better a tweet that goes viral!" 

Cancel culture created a sanitized world - NOW THE WORLD IS LITERALLY SANITIZED.  

We are very much playing a part in whatever is going on in the world right now. I say this not as a judgement but with an awareness as to what my own part is and how I can change so that when this is over I don't just "go back to being the same person." There is no going back from this year. Life as we know it will be changed for the next foreseeable future. Once you get over this fact, you can empower yourself with the things you can control. 

Do yourself a favor right now, and listen to this song ... 

DO.NOT.GIVE.IN. Whatever that means to you, as "giving in" is a very personal feeling/ action. You will get to the other side of whatever this new way of life will be. I don't say that to bullshit you, but it's the new reality and the longer you hold onto the old reality the less empowered you are making yourself in the process. DO.NOT.GIVE.IN. </editorsnote> 

FYI, this is technically part of a series of posts. Here is part one and here is part two and here is part three if you need a ketchup. If you want a quicker ketchup, my dog died, my good friend/ family member died, and 15 hours after the celebration of her life my good friend and neighbor was shot five times (and I was there when it happened). There ya have it ...In the last post, I was interviewed in the murder investigation.

In this post, I'm about to cry about it in front of Katie Couric and Will.I.am. 

 

Maestro ...

After the murder happened, my brain and body became completely catatonic. You might have seen me physically but if you asked me what was going on, I wouldn't tell you because I couldn't tell you. I couldn't process the words mentally, let alone speak them. 

Losing my best friend in a fur coat was devastating. Having my best friend lose his best friend three weeks later was gut wrenching. Coming home from her celebration of life and walking DIRECTLY INTO a murder investigation AND THE PERSON MURDERED WAS YOUR GOOD FRIEND - what else can you do except completely check out. 

Only this lasted for five weeks ...

Day after day I sat in front of my computer staring off into space. I couldn't work due to the shock, I couldn't work out because sitting on a spin bike made me want to cry. Leaving the house was scary, staying inside the house was even scarier. Having been in these depressive states before, I said to myself, "cool, you can't go to the gym, Friel - but you're a pretty good runner. Why not put on a playlist and go for a run?" 

So I did ... 

over ... 

and over ... 

and over ... 

I listened to Limp Bizkit's album Significant Other ... 

Running away wasn't an option, but physically running helped me process what my next move should be (even if that meant literally moving).  

This is one of my favorite songs to sprint to ... 

Guys, remember when going to the gym was a "thing?" 

The more I ran, the more I thought about how fucked up this situation is. Not only did our management ALLOW a murder to occur (they had a lot of noise and drug related complaints - although no arrests could technically be made) ... but they don't even have the respect to COMMUNICATE TO THE COMMUNITY THAT THIS OCCURRED!

If this were a few weeks ago, and social distancing wasn't yet a "thing," and I polled 100 people on the streets and asked "what is the worst thing that could happen to you while living in an apartment building?" I'd say at LEAST 60% would say "have yourself or a neighbor murdered." 

Guys, remember when "social distancing" wasn't a thing?

Murder is the ultimate trump card - IT'S THE DEFINITION OF A WORSE CASE SCENARIO AND YOU WON'T EVEN SEND AN EMAIL? MEMO? BUILDING NOTICE ON THE DOOR - NOTHING?! 

That got me playing this song specifically on repeat ... 

... and while I'm not a violent person (at all) ... I do use words as my weapon and my version of destruction is loaded with logic and strategy. It wasn't about destruction of the management, (as I believe in life people hang themselves far greater than anyone else can), I just wanted to be told what happened and I wanted to know what actions were being taken to ensure our safety as a community. I wanted to know how the FUCK to even BEGIN to recover from this not only as a neighbor but also as a friend of the victim. 

The layers of grief I was dealt compounded with the violation of a murder happening where you live was too much. Since I couldn't work or workout and there are 86,400 seconds in the day that were going to be spent anyway, I then made it my full time job to figure out what the next steps were in this process. The second level of "Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs" is safety. Without that being in check, I couldn't achieve the other steps of love and belonging, esteem, or self-actualization. That fact made me angrier, and I let that anger motive me to find answers ... where is the first place you go for answers? 

I then googled "what to do when your neighbor is murdered?" 

The search results produced a series of content marketing strategies from attorneys describing tenants rights and laws. I knew Batz had never been charged with anything in his unit (which is why he wasn't evicted). Proving negligence in this would be next to impossible, but also, I'm not a litigious person. I had no interest in suing, I just wanted to continue to find answers and was frustrated that I had no idea how to even ask the question!!

I then hosted a game night (which nine times out of ten we never even end up playing a game) where everyone in the building came down to compare notes. I personally didn't have any, but someone mentioned the "housing authority" and that they are a great option for resources. I then placed a series of calls and was left with more questions than answers. So and so from this office has to talk to you and they're out to lunch, on maternity leave, or preparing for the apocalypse (WHICH WAS LITERALLY ABOUT TO HAPPEN).

Personally, I'm really disappointed there aren't more zombies ... 

... okay technically we have one and his name is Rob ... but still my shooting, fencing, ballroom dancing, archery, and rock climbing skills are COMPLETELY going to waste. 

I shared my frustration with my best friend who said there is an organization called the Santa Monica Renters Rights (SMRR). They are like the NRA of Santa Monica and if you want to run for office or start a business, you become friends with these people first. 

BINGO! I thought knowing I could at least use them for resources to know what direction to attempt to pursue.

I then googled the number and left yet another message. To my surprise their response was the fastest, and a few hours later, I was able to FINALLY state what happened and attempt to find a direction.

"Hi," I said to the operator.

Brutally avoiding any beats around the bush, I continued without pause, "my neighbor was murdered and the building hasn't improved safety measures nor have they even communicated to the tenants that this took place (we had to find out from the police knocking on all of our doors). What are our rights in this scenario?"

"Wow," he said. "This is a first."

"Are you a resident of Santa Monica?" he asked. 

If I said no in this scenario, they would say that they are only able to help people out who live in Santa Monica. Considering this felt like MY ONLY LIFELINE, I lied and said "I can't tell you that out of privacy concerns. Nothing has been written about in the news (which I also found strange ... and I really really really searched) ...  I'd like to remain anonymous if that's okay." 

"Absolutely," he said very empathetic. "Well, you have a lot of different boxes to ping in this case. There's legal, there's your rights as a tenant to living in a safe building, there are going to be (I'm assuming) code violations within the building, and that could involve the law. I don't really know what to tell you to do, or which direction to go in first," he said very honestly. "I'd be really angry if I were you too." 

I thanked him profusely for his time, and for the first time this year I had validation of my anger. I didn't know I needed it in that moment, but instead of getting mad I was instead really grateful to have been heard. 

I then hung up the phone and went back to google. I searched a series of housing authority offices and "housing authority adjacent" non-profits. One of the non-profits had an address that was right down the street from my favorite local watering hole. I saw the address and then went ... 

I actually knew the people that ran this particular non-profit. They are regulars at the bar where I'm a regular. 

See, when I like a place, I like to get invested in the people that also spend time there. If you're a regular at this bar, I've either directly grabbed a drink with you to shoot the shit, or I've asked whoever I was sitting next to at the time what your story was. There are two people that come into that bar every day after work (no judgement) and sit down with a handwritten RESERVED sign saving their spot. I love it because this is the LAST place you'd ever expect to see a reserved sign, so obviously it made me want to ask people about them.

I vividly remember playing Jeopardy next to my friend Steve (who is SO good), and he told me that "they run a non-profit for something in housing."

I file everything away and I'm an elephant that never forgets (that's the writer part of the brain that makes the stories I tell SO SPECIFIC).

I quickly realized I wasn't just presented with my next step, I was presented with people that I have something in common with!

While I hadn't ever spent time talking to them directly, I am considered a "darling" of the bar and I knew anyone and everyone there would vouch and help me get the help I needed! 

I then got in the car and drove over to their office (hoping to bump into them). The office was fortunately open but unfortunately very closed off. All I could see was the receptionist and a little side room (where I was taken into). I could hear that there were voices from offices behind the door but since I only knew the faces of the couple, I couldn't actually ask for them by name. Besides, outing someone at their place of work that you know that they go to this one bar every single day is not my style. 

I then went through the process of giving my statement in the little side room, saying yet again what happened without any sort of emotion just SHEER DETERMINATION to accomplish my goal of proper communication and direction. 

She then said someone from the office would call, and as I thanked her for her time, I looked down at my phone noticing it was almost wine-o-clock. 

BINGO!!! I immediately thought as I dropped off my car and Forrest Gumped myself into a lyft to head over to said watering hole.

Upon arrival, I sat down next to my friend John, who asked why I looked so sad. 

"Are you still thinking about Buster?" (el doggo that was mentioned earlier) he asked very lovingly. 

"Actually, I'm here on a mission," I said in a declarative fashion. "My good friend and neighbor was murdered and I need help." 

I took a breath as I caught myself tearing up ... this was the first time I said those words to an actual IRL friend and not some sort of government employee or operator. 

I took another deep breath as I continued ... "Steve told me sometime ago that the two people that sit here (I pointed behind me at the handwritten RESERVED sign) created some sort of housing non-profit. I want to buy them a drink and ask what I should do." 

"I love how determined you are," he said, "and I'm also really sad about your friend/neighbor. That's a horrible thing to experience and I don't even know how you can talk about it." 

"I can't," I said. "You were the first friend I told that to." 

He then bought me a drink, as like clockwork, my target walked in.

Jeopardy (which I play religiously) starts at 7pm. I knew that they were always there for at least the first half. This meant (given the time) they at least had two drinks in them before leaving. You never know what someone's days is like, so rather than just pounce on them immediately, I waited until they were done with the first drink before I approached. 

The male in the couple then excused himself to use the restroom and as I saw the female sitting alone, I made my move. 

"Hi," I said excited but also not "too excited to overwhelm her. I'm Jen, and I see you here all the time and wanted to introduce myself." 

"Hi, I'm [insert name here] which also happens to be the same name as our building manager. 

Guys, remember when we could shake hands AND go out to bars?!

Do you by any chance run a housing non-profit?

"No, I'm a social worker actually, but yes we do have our own non-profit." 

I wasn't sure what the difference was as I continued ... 

"I ask because my neighbor was murdered and management has done nothing to improve our safety or even communicate that the murder took place - we had to find out through police knocking on our door. That has to be wrong ... right?" 

I then explained the steps I had taken and all of the calls that were made and either unreturned or placed in the social equivalent of the "other folder." 

"Don't bother with any of the housing authorities, she said with a cackle. "Go to your city council member and go to your area's lead safety deputy. There is an officer that is assigned to protect specifically your area. They oversee everything and are a great resource." 

"I have to buy you a drink for the information you just gave me - I can't thank you enough." 

"You already did she said, but save your money, you might need it to move." 

I laughed as I hugged her, closing out my tab, and said good bye to my friend. 

"I'm so sorry for the year you've had," he said. 

"Yeah, but SHE JUST GAVE ME THE PERSON TO TALK TO ... SO I'VE ACCOMPLISHED MY GOAL!! I'll have to figure the rest out later!!!"

I then called my city councilman, and left two messages. Unreturned, I then emailed and was actually directed to the lead deputy for my area. 

I called his office twice, followed by an email. 

I was en route up to a friend's place in Carmel for the weekend when I actually got a call back. 

"Hi Jennifer," (I use my full name when I want to sound super important) "we've received your info and know about the case. We want you to know this is a targeted act. There is no reason for you or anyone one of your neighbors to feel unsafe." 

"I know it was targeted," I said still wanting to be heard, "but it's not okay that there is little to no communication from either the officers themselves or management. They didn't even TELL us it happened, we had to hear it from your officers knocking on our door. Please help us, we are trying to figure out how to heal and I can't even figure out how to formulate the search questions in order to find answers. (I actually said this ...) You'd be really surprised with the results from a "what to do when your neighbor is murdered" google search." 

While I know he didn't want to say the next part, I did know I had effectively communicated my fear. 

He then said the words I've been wanting to hear for WEEKS, "I'd be happy to send an officer out to speak to you and your community. Let me give the officer who does this your info and he'll get back to you." 

"What's his name," I asked?

[insert name here] he said as I inserted said name into a google search and immediately found his email. 

I hung up the phone and cut and pasted the address into the email as I began passionately typing out the fears felt line item by line item. 

(Normally this is where I'd show you all exactly what I wrote, but much like with the dramatic interpretation of the murder investigation - this is reality and not a TV show, out of respect to him and the investigation I can't.)

 

BUT!!! ... two days later en route back from Carmel (about 5 hours outside of LA) I actually got a callback. 

And of course because I was taking the scenic route back home meant that I couldn't talk to the officer because I had never taken the trip before and didn't realize I wouldn't have service for 3/4 of the way back. 

Still don't regret it though ... look at these pictures ... 

I can honestly say I've never had a drink while literally sitting in a river before.

I pulled over to the side of the road because I saw a family of deer!I got to see these really cool Elephant Seals too!AND I took this one outside of a waterfall. I call it a "casual cowboy in contemplation."

Anywho, the next day we finally connected as I laughed at how bad our connection was on the first four calls. 

"Where were you," he asked? 

Carmel, I said, my friend has this INSANE compound and as I'm sure you could understand, I really needed to get away. 

<tangent> This was hands down the coolest property I have ever stayed on. It's a ranch with a series of the most welcoming and well designed bungalows. There's horses, dogs ... I've never seen anything like it. 

</tangent> 

"Yeah, I'd definitely get out of town with what you all just went through." 

I then explained what I had said to the first officer and continued by saying "this isn't a bitch fest. As a community, we just need to know what our rights are and how we can begin to heal. To heal you have to first be heard," I said realizing that was unintentionally poetic. 

"I completely understand and thank you for the awareness that a lot of these do become 'bitch sessions.'" 

"This won't be that," I reassured. 

We then sent a few more emails back and forth confirming schedules. 

I then typed up this flyer ... 

I specifically included the term "bitch fest" knowing that the community would know this wasn't from management, and as a written promise of my word to the officer.

The flyers were then placed underneath the doors of each unit. 

I had texted one of my (now old) neighbors (who lived directly below Batz and specifically moved out because of what she had heard) telling her that a meeting with a lead deputy was on the books. 

She sent this next ...

When I first read her text, I thought it read Will and Kate meaning this Will and Kate ... 

which considering how surreal the year had been up until this point - I wouldn't have been surprised if randomly I'd receive an invite to one of their events. 

WOW, I thought as my eyes then suddenly adjusted to the fact that she didn't mean that Kate she meant this Katie ...

Couric like the last name written on the last line of text. 

And this Will ... 

Also known as Will.I.Am from the Black Eyed Peas. 

My friend, Will and Katie are all the top dog producers on this new documentary about the Parkland shooting called Parkland Rising. 

I watched the trailer with my best friend (who was going to be my plus one and who was also there during the murder) as I questioned WHY ON EARTH I WOULD WANT TO WATCH SOMETHING LIKE THIS AFTER MY FRIEND AND NEIGHBOR WAS MURDERED. 

"This is going one of two ways - either this is going to be very therapeutic and I am going to feel better or I am an emotional sadist who wants to cry her eyes out even more at ANOTHER shooting. There's no in-between."

He laughed, and said "I support whatever your decision is."

Obviously this series of posts didn't start off with "that time I didn't cry my eyes out in front of Katie Couric and Will.I.Am ..." so we all know what happens next. 

Guys, remember when going to the movie theater was a thing?

Before the movie began, I grabbed some popcorn and a glass of rose. As I sat down in our seats, I started to mentally prepare myself for the unknown. (I know, how do you prepare for the unknown when it's unknown? I get it - but it's what I did.)

My best friend held my hand and instead of saying "everything will be okay," (which I can't STAND hearing in times of uncertainty - don't tell me it's going to be okay unless you have ACTUAL knowledge of said okayness) he rather just looked at me through the eyes of love, and with empathy, and uncertainty about what we were about to experience... BUT with the firm knowledge that if we were going to experience something uncertain it's always better done together. 

Besides, I said, "being friends with one of the producers means that we get to say hi after."

I grew up with Katie Couric in our kitchen on the Today show (which is what we religiously watched - I would laugh as a kid when they would say "Tomorrow on Today"). She's in idol adjacent territory and I HAVE to say something to her. 

He agreed to hold me accountable as the lights went down.

Tears began streaming down my face as soon as the title credits began.

I laughed to myself thinking, "oh you're about to be in for it Friel, so buckle up!" 

The documentary opens with user generated content from the students of Parkland. It's a very powerful opening sequence where you tragically see these KIDS ... TEENAGE KIDS ... running while gunshots ring out in the background.

I'm a 35 year old woman barely able to handle this - I can't IMAGINE what this life experience must have been like as a teenager. I'm not saying the life experiences were the same as school shootings are mostly done at random and it's a stream of bullets, but from my perspective, I'm speaking in terms of the violation in feeling safe somewhere and then suddenly and abruptly, you're not. You are now in the same building as someone who is capable of committing murder. 

 

Shot after shot rang through the theater as tears continued pouring down my face. The cloud of catatonic hold was lifting as the emotions flushed and overwhelmed every particle of my being. 

My best friend kept his hand holding game strong as I said to myself "keep breathing, and keep feeling. Feel every tear, feel every fear. I said this over and over until I could feel myself calming down to a "I do not need to remove myself from this theater" level.  

Much like with everything else I had experienced this year, I couldn't run away. Nor did I actually want to. Of course I could have just left the theater, but instead I saw this as a powerful tool to help my journey - wherever that will take me and whatever that may be. This moment was my fate (amor fati) and despite the EXCRUCIATING PAIN ... I had to see it through. 

I spent the better part of the entire two hours crying. I cried for my friend who didn't deserve to die like that. I cried for our community that is still in mourning over this INCREDIBLE violation. I cried for the murder/murder-ers - since I can't imagine what life must be like waking up knowing that you TOOK a life. And most of all, I cried for myself. I've been through a lot of shit but man, this year has really kicked my ass, and that's okay because like with everything else I've done in life, I move through something and don't turn away from it. 

The audience began clapping and cheering as the closing credits commenced. Instead of clapping like everyone else, I used the loudness of the crowd to let out a WHAALLEE of a cry.

You know when you've been crying for a while and then you just go that ONNNNEEE step deeper? That's what I did exactly in that moment.

I WHHHAALLLLEEEED myself through it. 

I cried.

I cried.

I finally cried.

... in the middle of a very crowded theater.  

Guys, remember when crowds were a thing? 

I then quickly excused myself to use the restroom before the Q&A started. 

I walked into the bathroom and splashed water on my already wet saline swollen face. 

"Feel your feelings, but also speak them." (I actually said this to myself in the mirror.) "You can't keep this in, to heal you have to be heard - SO FUCKING SAY SOMETHING." 

... which is exactly what I did walking back into the theater.

Katie Couric, Will.I.am, one of the father's of a murdered student (isn't that horrible that that is probably how this man is described now?), the director, and two of the organizers sat facing the crowd. Katie was the moderator, and began asking the panel questions about the film. 

I know she was asking questions, because I saw people's mouths moving. But could I tell you what they were talking about or what anyone was actually saying? 

Katie then addressed the audience by saying, "and now we'll open up to the audience for questions." 

Immediately, and without thought, I raised my hand. 

Now, the Arclight theater in Hollywood (where we were) holds a couple hundred people and almost every seat (except the very front) was filled. Out of those couple hundred people, with maybe 25 people with their hands raised, who do you think of those 25 people Katie Couric called on? 

THE WOMAN IN MOUSE EARS THAT HAS BEEN CRYING IN INTERMENT HYSTERICS FOR THE LAST TWO HOURS. 

I lowered my hand as I stood up and for the first time told a crowd of people my personal truth.

"I can't thank you enough for this film, it was therapy for me tonight. [In an undisclosed amount of time from the screening but close enough to still be in shock and now publicly crying I said,] My friend and neighbor was murdered. I was there when it happened - I heard the gunshots." 

I said that sentence, and heard my own tears and tone echo throughout the theater. 

Almost immediately everyone turned their bodies around to see who was speaking - so literally all eyes were on me at this point, and I was past the point of giving a flying fuck. I told myself I would speak my truth, and here I was doing EXACTLY THAT.  

For the first time in this life experience, I heard my own voice externally speak an almost identical narrative to my internal voice ... MY FRIEND WAS MURDERED. I WAS THERE. MY FRIEND WAS MURDERED. I WAS THERE. THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED. THIS IS REAL LIFE. 

I obviously didn't say exactly, that, but I couldn't tell you what I said past that opening sentence/ statement. I still can't tell you if I asked a question, or if anything I said sounded intelligent. 

When I was done speaking, I sat back down in my chair. My best friend held my left hand as the person in front of me reached around and held my right, I continued to sob as the session ended and the lights were fully engaged. 

"Well, I guess this was a good idea," I said to my best friend still wiping away tears. 

"You said earlier you wanted to talk to Katie Couric, congratulations you did it!" 

"I can't tell you anything I said." 

"You were very eloquent and you spoke from the heart. What more can anyone ask for?" 

I smiled as we exited feeling pride for the first time in a long time. 

The flood-gates continued to well, flood, all the way home and onto my couch. My best friend held me as I sobbed the continued reality of what just happened - "I was interviewed in a murder investigation. We were here when my neighbor was murdered and I lost my friend to five bullets. In all of this I lost my fucking friend and protector AND I WAS INTERVIEWED IN HIS INVESTIGATION," I said barely able to speak.

That night, I slept on the couch and woke up to a missed call and text from my friend/ former neighbor: 

I sent this back ... 

I then sent her this screenshot from one of my last texts from Batz ...

I always trusted being in your hands Batz, I'm just so so very sorry you couldn't trust yourself in your own.

#nerdsunite

PS. Oh, and the meeting? I can't disclose any of that information except for the fact that the community was so grateful I've had a stream of santized dishes placed at the door for the last month. Carrot bread, banana bread, cranberry muffins, sugar cookies, blueberry muffins, lasagna, wine, flowers, and even the most cherished items toilet paper, gloves and wipes. 

It's nice to be quarantined with such kind people. Oh yeah did I mention that THE GLOBAL PANDEMIC healed our community from a murder? A.GLOBAL.PANDEMIC. that's what it took. 

#TrueStory: I was interviewed in a murder investigation (and cried in front of Katie Couric and Will.I.Am telling them about it) PT 3

<editorsnote>: This is part three of the story. Here is part one and here is part two if you need a ketchup. If you want a quicker ketchup, my dog died, my good friend/ family member died, and 15 hours after the celebration of her life my good friend and neighbor was shot five times (and I was there when it happened). There ya have it ... </editorsnote> 

My best friend came home some time later, and instead of being angry at each other, we remained focused on the fact that not only were we both grieving, but we were both in the eye of the hurricane also known as a murder investigation. 

Later that evening, I sent the building manager a text asking if I could see the body be wheeled out ... 

In 2018, when I had another friend die (also while I was there - did I miss my calling as a death doula?), it actually gave me closure seeing her be wheeled out. It was shockingly surreal to go from texting your friend on Saturday to Monday them being dead but then oh yeah we were all still supposed to go dancing together on Thursday and now we're throwing a memorial for said friend. 

Unfortunately, (or fortunately) the detectives wheeled his body out in the middle of the night so I didn't get to see that. Desperate for some sort of something to understand the next day, I went upstairs and saw the results of the CSI agents. 

I was expecting this ... 

... and instead got this ... 

<tangent> Out of privacy, I can't share anything more in this picture, but what you don't see is that they are MASSIVE dog lovers!!! I dog sit now any day I can as a way to deal with the enormous enormous loss of Buster Brown. I happened to be walking a dog when the agents were doing their thing and the result is a totally precious picture. I thought LAPD and anything associated with them would be heartless, I found the EXACT opposite to be true. Which fortunately, in this very moment was so very helpful. </tangent> 

It still didn't seem real. The police tape was now torn down, and unlike in the other instances where I've seen someone's place after they've passed, this one didn't have the corner's blue seal. I learned later that evening it was because the seal is placed on a crime scene because the body has yet to be identified. I'm not sure who qualifies for identification if it has to be a family member or some sort of significant other, but either way, I thought that was interesting. I had assumed previously the coroners seal was part of the deal to protect the crime scene, but apparently they had processed whatever they needed to. 

Later that evening I got a call asking if I knew where his cats were. They still couldn't find one of them and they asked if I could go inside the apartment to see. 

BINGO! I thought scared but also happy to begin my own healing. 

I had my red nike hoodie on (which has an extra long hood) so I placed that over my mouth and took very shallow breaths standing outside the apartment. "I can't go in again," said someone who had also been looking for the cat. 

I turned on my flashlight on my phone and carefully entered the apartment. I had been in it before but had never seen it look like this -the place was ransacked and the lights were all on. I walked to the left where his bedroom was (I had actually never seen this part of the apartment before - just the living room). There on the bed I saw the two large pillows and blood. You could see the holes in the pillows but I didn't get close enough to look at them nor did I touch anything in the apartment. I called out for the cat (which most cats like to hide out under the bed), and didn't find anything. Considering the smell in the place, I can't imagine a cat wanting to not come out of its hiding spot. 

I did a 10 second swoop and lap (careful to not touch anything) calling the cat's name before leaving the apartment. "I didn't see the cat," I said coming out. 

"Yeah, we don't think its in here. It might have escaped somehow. Appreciate you looking." 

"I appreciate that you reached out!" I said. I needed closure and at least seeing with my own two eyes, yep someone definitely died here. I'm a "see it to believe it" type person and in this case I took that literally. 

The crime scene may have been processed but I had yet to even begin my own processing that that person was also my good friend.

The next day, I got a call from one of the lead detectives who asked if he could talk to me.

When something like this happens, you're now living in an active crime scene. There were at any given moment two to four cop cars both marked and unmarked in the building. In one way you could say you felt safer, in another way it was a constant reminder that "yes a murder actually took place here." 

Outside of my friend being gone, this whole thing was SUCH a violation. The only other thing I can compare it to is when someone robs you. If someone breaks into your car, or your house, and takes something - you then feel violated and it's eerie/ unsettling re-entering KNOWING someone has been in your place. The fact that someone or someone(s) committed an act of murder in THE PLACE WE CALL HOME was very unnerving. 

Losing three of my friends in the first five weeks of the year was hard enough. Getting over the violation of a murderer entering our home was a completely different beast. 

That Wednesday at noon, I invited two detectives into the place I call home. 

Excuse me while I now pull an Unsolved Mysteries style re-enactment ... 

The detectives walked in like this ... 

I pulled a third chair over to the table and invited both to sit down. 

I sat here ... 

The lead detective sat here ... 

The other detective chose to sit on the edge of the couch ... 

My instinct on this is that they didn't want their back to the door. Hey, I can't be mad at that. 

What you see in movies is this dimly lit room with a spotlight on the subject similar to this ... 

My reality was it was noon on a Wednesday so no lights were needed AND I was wearing a shirt. 

I then took out my phone to show the detectives the conversation between Batz and I. I couldn't change the choices he made in his life (amor fati), but I could help honor the man that I once knew and cared deeply for. 

Remember, I have nothing to hide in this situation - and I wasn't being interviewed on the murder, I was being interviewed about who my friend was (since not a lot of people knew). 

I'll show you the actual text messages in a bit, as I lead with, "Batz was a protector. He recently lost someone he was very close to, and I think that set him over the 'edge' in terms of making bad choices. We were in contact bi-weekly since the beginning of November. He kept asking what I was up to and if I needed any of his help." 

"Do you know what Batz did for a living?" 

"He was a writer, and (you even see in one of the text messages him referencing his writing as we talked about it a lot) he's been published - I have some of his books on my shelves," I said pointing in this direction to my triangle bookshelf.

"Can you make money as a writer?" he asked as his eyes looked down, "oh it looks like you're a writer too," 

Bee tee dubs, this didn't feel like a "dig" of any kind, and again I have nothing to hide so if that was his intention he can keep on' diggin! 

"Are you a published writer as well?" 

Without skipping a beat I said, "my life is being turned into a TV show. It was previously owned by Jerry Bruckheimer and CBS and we are now FINALLY going into production." 

I took a beat ... and then said ... 

"It's a Wednesday at noon and you're sitting in a place I call home asking me about my friend who was murdered - I'd say that's an interesting enough life to be turned into a TV show." 

He smiled as he read the texts. 

"I can see how protective he was of you." 

"Yes," I said, "and I'm not negating his behavior - I just didn't see that side of it. I know there were some domestic violence calls but it wouldn't have been Batz. He would NEVER hit a woman - and I couldn't be friends with him if he did." 

"We've heard that from a couple of people in the building specifically women. He helped one with a stalking case." 

"Yes," I said knowing what he meant. 

"What's the building gossip," he asked. "You seem to know everyone." 

"There is no building gossip (which was true), we're just absolutely terrified and want to know how we recover as a community from something like this.

Management hadn't even sent out an email or memo that FYI your neighbor was shot IN THE BUILDING." 

"I really appreciate your time," he said as the approximate 15 minute meeting came to an end. 

This is what they looked like when they were leaving ... 

 

... I took my first deep breath of the day once the door clicked shut. 

I took a beat and said out loud, "so that's what it's like to be interviewed in a murder investigation." 

I can't say it was a good or a bad experience - it just was what it was, and there it is. 

Later in the evening my friend and neighbor came over for dinner. I cooked and words came out of his mouth - but slowly things stopped registering. I've never had the life experience of being "catatonic" until that exact moment. 

Remember Cam from Ferris Bueller's Day Off? 

That's what it feels like. You're there physically. Words may or may not come out of your mouth. People see you but you can't see or process anything. The trauma of the shooting, and deaths combined with the loss of my coping mechanism in the form of a furry four legged furrever best friend was proving to be too much. 

I have no idea what my friend said that night, but as he started to get louder and louder - I had enough and said, "you wanna go break some plates?" 

Immediately he started laughing. 

"I'm serious," I said. "With Buster being gone I replaced the plates to change up the routine. Now I have all these plates so let's go smash the shit out of them." 

Which is exactly what we did ... 

We walked down the street to a parking lot and broke plate after plate ... SHOUTING as we did.

Similar to this scene actually ... 

Feel better? I asked when we were all done (my best friend came too). 

"Actually yes," said my friend. 

"We can't change or control what just happened. We just have to grieve and feel what we are feeling even if it doesn't make any sense." 

The next morning I woke up to this ... 

... which technically speaking I didn't listen, I was just a catatonic person presently playing the role of a sounding board. 

Now if you'll excuse me, but I have a meeting about murder I need to get ready for.

I'm not kidding actually, I wrote the PDF myself and called it "Murder Meeting" ... 

I was unimpressed with how negligent the building was in terms of communication, so I took matters into my own hands and not only found the EXACT person to talk to in these situations, but I convinced him to actually come and talk to us. I personally placed this letter under the door of my neighbors and taking action is also how I ended up crying my eyes out in front of Katie Couric and Will.I.Am. 

#staytuned

Click here to read the next part

PS. The meeting says Wednesday but instead the officer had to push it until today - which was annoying because I had to print even more notices ... but hey, at least I'm not the dead person in this scenario so I have that going for me.