#Question: Do You Have Jessica Rabbit Syndrome?

<editorsnote> Jordan is a dating coach. But not like "a" dating coach ... lemme rephrase that, he is THE dating coach. He has a show on SiriusXM called "Game On" and he's a super smarty pants when it comes to examining social dynamics. No ... like for real. </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Jordan Harbinger

Have you ever looked at someone and thought that he/she just looked mean? Or saw a beautiful woman out who looked angry, but after talking to her you realized that she was actually cool? I call that the Jessica Rabbit syndrome. This is about giving everyone a chance and not judging a book by its cover.

Not everyone is clued into the power of a beautiful smile, and some people just have a chronic pissed off looking face.

Jessica Rabbit had an amazing line in the movie, “Who Framed Roger Rabbit.” She said, “I’m not bad, I’m just drawn that way.” Some people look pissed or bitchy and they just don’t know it. I see a lot of girls out that can look really intimidating. They are all dressed up, possibly shy and are trying their best to allow themselves to get comfortable. They end up looking a bit bitchy.

I know lots of guys who would be turned off by this or are nervous about talking to them. When I go out, no matter what the situation is, I try to keep an open mind. I try to give everyone the opportunity to surprise me. I try to stay curious about people.

It’s human nature to be judgmental. It has protected us and has allowed us to evolve, but in today’s society it actually hurts us. Writing off a venue or certain groups of people ruins your evening without any real evidence.

If I rolled into a venue and judged everyone on the clothes they were wearing or the music that they were listening to, I would be setting myself up to have a bad time. After all, why not try to enjoy myself if I’m already there?  Sure I have my preferences of music and types of people I dig. When I’m doing my thing, I go to places that are playing my tunes with cool people I like. When I find myself in a new place, I’m going to feel it out and give everyone a chance.

I often hear the words, “This place sucks” and “These people are lame”. That is not setting yourself up for good time. You can’t write off an entire place because you assumed the worst. My attitude when I go out is to give it a chance. How can I have fun in this moment? I wonder if she really is as bitchy as she looks? Let’s go find out.

You’ll be surprised how your assumptions can be wrong. Challenge your thought process. If I end up talking to someone and they really are an asshole, I’ll leave. I’m not sticking around to speak with them.

The next time you catch yourself writing off a situation without much reason, stop yourself and think of reasons to challenge that thought and go experiment. Create new beliefs about people. You do not want to pass up the opportunity to meet a new awesome person.

Don’t let the Jessica Rabbit Syndrome fool you into not saying hello.

#nerdsunite

Jordan Harbinger is a Wall Street lawyer turned Social Dynamics expert and coach.  He is the owner and co-founder of The Art of Charm, a dating and relationships coaching company.  If you dig this and want to learn more from Jordan and The Art of Charm team, then visit http://www.theartofcharm.com.  You can also interact with Jordan on Facebook.

#NerdsUnite: Open Up and Say Aaaah

<editorsnote> Jordan is a dating coach. But not like "a" dating coach ... lemme rephrase that, he is THE dating coach. He has a show on SiriusXM called "Game On" and he's a super smarty pants when it comes to examining social dynamics. No ... like for real. </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Jordan Harbinger

The easiest way to get what you want is to ask for it. We’ve talked here immensely about asking for what you want and how high value people are comfortable doing so. They are fine whether they get what they want or not. They would rather leave an interaction knowing that they went for what they wanted than wondering, “What if?”

Why be scared to ask for what you want? Is it because you might be seen as weird? We all have quirks. Is it the rejection? Well I’d rather be rejected than not ask for what I really wanted.

Everyone has kinks, quarks, fetishes and weird things they are into. You may think you are the only one who thinks this way. Truth is, you are not. There are sick, crazy weird people just like you and they get off on things that you get off on. The problem is, you are afraid to talk about it.

Everyone wants to experiment and everyone has needs, wants and desires. The best relationships are the ones that explore these fantasies together. Being young is all about exploring and most partners will be happy to participate as long as they feel safe. They just want someone who will help them facilitate the fantasy. If you are open and fun, you can be the one she is willing to explore with.

To be able to have an exploratory conversation about these kinks, you have to set up a platform where both parties feel safe about sharing. This is important. Without this, people can feel judged or vulnerable. To set this up you cannot be judgmental. You can’t make fun of people for how they play. This only makes things uncomfortable for your partner to share.

Keep the initial conversations light. By doing that your partner will be able to banter back on the subject. If she is having fun with it you can be assured that the subject can be looked into further.

When you are in bed together exploring each other’s bodies, ask her what she wants. Allow her to answer; she will want to do the same thing for you. Sex is supposed to be somewhat of a mutual exchange. There is giving and taking on both sides. Let me do something special for you and in exchange that you would do something special for me.

Open up about what you want first. This will allow her to feel comfortable sharing. When you open up first, others will want to share as well. In fact sometimes they will share because it can seem unfair not to.

Be careful what you ask for.

Perhaps you might need to explore a few of her fantasies before she feels comfortable in a few of yours. Remember, you might be asked to return the favor as well.

If you want a weekend pass to be with some other women, you better be comfortable with her asking for the same. If you think exploring some back door activities would be fun she might ask you how open you would be to it. I personally know for myself, that’s a non-starter.

Have your rules for how you want to handle things and don’t pressure anyone into doing anything they are uncomfortable with. If you think bringing other girls into the mix is intriguing to you, she might want to explore the same with a male friend. If you are not cool with that, let her know. She might be down for having it your way, but you can’t throw a fit when you bring it up and she asks for the same.

Throw it out there see what things are on both of your plates and what can be mutually explored between the both of you happily. Those who play together stay together.

You would be surprised what you find yourself doing if you just ask.

#nerdsunite

Jordan Harbinger is a Wall Street lawyer turned Social Dynamics expert and coach.  He is the owner and co-founder of The Art of Charm, a dating and relationships coaching company.  If you dig this and want to learn more from Jordan and The Art of Charm team, then visit http://www.theartofcharm.com.  You can also interact with Jordan on Facebook.

#Fact: I don't listen to the words that come out of a woman's mouth

<editorsnote> Jordan is a dating coach. But not like "a" dating coach ... lemme rephrase that, he is THE dating coach. He has a show on SiriusXM called "Game On" and he's a super smarty pants when it comes to examining social dynamics. No ... like for real. </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Jordan Harbinger

You may find this a harsh statement at first, but hear me out before you make any judgments. As of lately I have found my communication with women excelling by NOT listening to what they have to say.
Sure you may need to listen to her words if there is data being transferred but most of the time you speak to a woman, she is speaking from emotion–I think we can all agree on that–so I have been playing around with some ideas and seeing great results.  I once read somewhere that, “A woman will tell you everything you need to do to sleep with her if she’s attracted to you, and all you have to do is listen”. I truly believe this, so you’d better hone your listening skills.

As men I think we only hear a lot of what we want to hear… and though it does have its advantages (especially in dealing with congruence tests) we need to find better ways to hear the other hints we need!

Listening can be done 2 ways and I suggest you start doing it with your eyes as well as your ears. We all speak through our body language and we read this through our subconscious very quickly but let our conscious brain get in the way and over think everything. We need to stop that process and begin a new one.

Try this:

1. When anyone speaks watch how they are saying it
2. Watch their eye movement (up is visual, down is emotional, your left is memory and your right is creative) where did that sentence come from?
3. How is their body language (slouching, confident, nervous) what are their hands doing? How much positive body language are you receiving?

Go from there with your retort and continue the conversation from there!  There are many ways to do this–these are only a few. The better you are at reading the subtext the better your communication with other people will be. You will also be able to read peoples insecurities and fears before they realize what they are. This is highly important in rapport and one of my favorite acquired super powers.

I know that this can be a little strange at first, so try not to put too much effort into it as it can take you out of the moment. Have some fun with it and you will naturally start speaking from an emotional side.

You’ll respond to what you have heard with eyes and ears which will make you more attractive to a woman for being in touch emotionally. All you are really doing is responding to how she is speaking to you, which in turn will build a better connection. It’s just something to give some thought to in your next interaction. Please remember not to put too much into this, but when you see overt signs do not ignore them!

#nerdsunite

Jordan Harbinger is a Wall Street lawyer turned Social Dynamics expert and coach.  He is the owner and co-founder of The Art of Charm, a dating and relationships coaching company.  If you dig this and want to learn more from Jordan and The Art of Charm team, then visit http://www.theartofcharm.com.  You can also interact with Jordan on Facebook.

#NerdsUnite: Cheating 101 (Why We Cheat)

<editorsnote> Jordan is a dating coach. But not like "a" dating coach ... lemme rephrase that, he is THE dating coach. He has a show on SiriusXM called "Game On" and he's a super smarty pants when it comes to examining social dynamics. No ... like for real. </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Jordan Harbinger

Everyone has their own definition of what constitutes cheating. Most people’s immediate reaction is that it’s when their partners have sex with someone else, but rarely is anything quite so black and white. If sex with someone else is cheating, what about “everything but?” What about kissing? Holding hands?

The truth is that if you wait until your partner’s emotional ties have frayed to the point that they search elsewhere for physical connection, you’ve waited far too long.

Reality is that sometimes things just aren’t working for one person in a relationship, but they are for the other. Sometimes they’re not working for either party, but neither says anything for fear of hurting the other. When you step back and look at the big picture, you can see that.

NOT telling someone that you want out, or that you need things to change, is what hurts them, as well as you and your relationship.

This is true for any kind of relationship, not just romantic. When you hide or subvert your true feelings, you start living a lie. And what always happens is that eventually when the other person finds out, they’re more upset that you let them live under false pretenses than they are about the issue that started it all. It makes you untrustworthy and a total ass. It’s arrogant behavior – you might feel that you just don’t want to hurt them, but what you’re really saying is that you know what’s best for them better than they do. And that is never true (leaving mental illness or addiction out of the equation).

Another problem with not telling the truth about how you feel is that you might be keeping yourself from an even more rewarding relationship than you already have. What if you were feeling like things are good, but you’d like to not feel guilty having a drink with another woman? What if you let those feelings fester and started feeling closed in by your relationship, or stifled, and then you start blaming your mate for making you feel that way? If you haven’t let her know how you feel, then blaming her for your feelings is absurd. You can’t know how she’ll feel about it unless you talk about it. Perhaps she’d like to have a drink with someone other than you as well. Perhaps you’ll find that just the feeling of knowing that you’re free to do so will change those feelings entirely and you both decide that being together is best.

Perhaps you find that you’d rather be with someone else, in which case it’s still best for both of you to know that and be free to make other, better choices. Many times just opening up a conversation about your relationship is enough to clear the air and your mind.

When you’re lying in bed, or having a lovely afternoon together, or any other time when there’s no pressure and no anger between you, ask her if she’s happy. Ask her if she’s getting what she wants and needs from your relationship. Tell her what makes you happy about the two of you together, and share some examples of moments that serve as good examples of what makes you particularly happy and what you particularly value in her companionship. Get her to share her happiness with you as well. Enjoy these shared moments together and laugh and remember and re-live the good feelings. Then ask her if there was one thing she might like to change that would increase her happiness, what would that be? If you simply ask, “What would you like to change?”  She has a higher potential of not saying anything, as the question is so broad it might make her feel like as ass to say anything, especially since you just shared such a great moment. If you ask her for just one thing, it lets her off the hook for feeling like a bitch, as it’s only one thing and you asked her to tell you, which means you care. It might lead to more than one thing, and that’s fine – the big picture is for you two to communicate and keep your relationship working well. If it’s one thing or ten things, it’s all good, because she’s sharing her truth with you and you with her. Once you can be completely honest together, you can begin to truly see where the other is coming from and how to come together to make your relationship work for both of you.

For some there’s a fine line between checking for problems in the relationship and smothering the other person, wondering constantly if everything is okay. For others, there is a challenge to just identifying their own emotions in general, not to mention learning how to identify them in others and recognize when things are awry. Pay attention when things are going great, and watch how she reacts and how it makes you feel.

Her body language and facial expressions will tell you more than any words she’ll ever use. Get used to reading her happiness, and that will help you clue in when she’s not. Dwell on the happiness, both hers and yours, and you will learn how to maintain it. Address uncertainty and unhappiness immediately and you will keep it from growing.

Cheating begins when communication stops. A lack of communication can have many symptoms, such as feeling neglected, wanting more excitement, craving romance or withdrawing from each other. So many times when a relationship is over, it can be easy to look back and say “Ah, if only I had blah blah blah, or if she had just yada yada yada.” Hindsight is 20-20. However, foresight can be 20-20 as well. If you have the foresight to be proactive in your relationship, and the self-assurance to not let things go that should be addressed, then you have a higher chance of not having to look back in the first place.

#nerdsunite

Jordan Harbinger is a Wall Street lawyer turned Social Dynamics expert and coach.  He is the owner and co-founder of The Art of Charm, a dating and relationships coaching company.  If you dig this and want to learn more from Jordan and The Art of Charm team, then visit http://www.theartofcharm.com.  You can also interact with Jordan on Facebook.

#Question: Why Is She Not Returning My Calls Or Texts?

<editorsnote> Jordan is a dating coach. But not like "a" dating coach ... lemme rephrase that, he is THE dating coach. He has a show on SiriusXM called "Game On" and he's a super smarty pants when it comes to examining social dynamics. No ... like for real. </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Jordan Harbinger

Here at the AoC headquarters, one of the questions that seem to pop up over and over again is, “I got this girls number. Why hasn’t she answered my text, call or messages?” We hear this at least once a week. There are two very simple answers to this question:

1. She is not interested. At least not yet.
2. She is busy and you really did not do anything to warrant her attention.

Just because you have nothing else going on, does not mean that she doesn’t. Women have very active social lives. They are in high demand for events, parties, dates and friends. Look at the typical girl’s Facebook page. She has her own career, possibly school and her own social life that existed before she ever gave you her number. You think that just because you had an innocent flirty exchange and managed to get her number that she’s been thinking about you since? Guys let’s be realistic here. Girls give out their numbers a lot. Sometimes, they do it just to get you to leave them alone.

There is one rule you should live by when it comes to getting numbers, and that rule is, “A quality interaction will get you a quality number.” So, I want to give you a few tips to create a quality interaction.

1. Don’t think about going for the number unless you are really vibing. Enjoy the process of meeting someone new that’s cool. The number is just a perk of a great interaction.
2. Show some interest in her other than her looks. Let her know that she is a cool person.
3. Don’t wait until there is an awkward silence to get the number. In fact don’t ask for it at all. Assume that since the flirting has been going well that she would want to give you her number. Example: “You know you are really fun. We should hang out. Here, put your number in my phone.” (Then hand her your phone with the number pad open).
4. If you have an abundance mindset and you have plenty of cool people in your life, why would you be complaining about flakes anyway? Get out there and start meeting plenty of cool people.
5. Get busy. If you have an active life, you won’t come off as desperate which can kill any attraction that you have managed to create.
6. Spend some time connecting on an emotional level. This will solidify the attraction you have built. Example: Match the emotions she is feeling on topics that excite her or that she is passionate about.
7. The number is only a means to meet-up. Use the examples in http://howtotextgirls.com/ to help you get in the groove of on effective texting.

If you manage to do these few things you will find your flake rates going down. Sure you might not leave the club with as many numbers, but you will have a better chance at making better connections and getting some dates. Isn’t that the point anyway?

It’s easy to get wrapped up in someone when they are the only lead you have. Be careful getting invested in someone you have only spent five minutes getting to know. You have to actively allow yourself not to think about them. The more people you are meeting, the easier it is to do this. Get active.

#nerdsunite

Jordan Harbinger is a Wall Street lawyer turned Social Dynamics expert and coach.  He is the owner and co-founder of The Art of Charm, a dating and relationships coaching company.  If you dig this and want to learn more from Jordan and The Art of Charm team, then visit http://www.theartofcharm.com.  You can also interact with Jordan on Facebook.