#NerdsUnite: Confessions of an Unwed Bride

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Julie Wilson

Editor's Note: Julie Wilson recently endured an agonizing break up with her fiancée after being together for 8 years. She is now in her late 20s and confused about what to do next. These are some of her frustrations, and ways she is attempting to heal from her loss.

These Are The Unbelievably Fucked-Up Things I Think About.

I’ve already written about day dreaming about my wedding that never was. But when I’m sitting at my desk and my mind starts a wanderin’ there are many other completely delusional scenarios involving myself and my ex-fiancé that pop into my head.

Post-Terror Attack L.A.
After they executed Bin Laden, I got freaked out thinking about a retaliation from Al Qaeda on Los Angeles. I figure they already attacked New York, so it seems probable to me that they could go after LA since it is the 2nd largest market in the country and the source of the majority of our entertainment. Hell, I thought maybe they would blow up the iconic Hollywood sign. Then I melted reality with my sorrow and need to cling to the man I love so much.

This created a scenario in my mind that I’m not very proud of. I found myself actually hoping they would bomb LA! It could be a great excuse for my ex and I to get back together! I was (still am) hella depressed and when you are miserable you want everyone else to be to. Other people’s happiness just doesn’t matter when you’re this sad.

In one version I have just left work to go across the street to pick something up at CVS and as I am on my way back to work, it happens. I look back at the building I work in as it gets bombed.

Seriously Julie? The building you work in?! The one that contains 90% of your Los Angeles friends! Yes, because without them, there’s less people to judge me.

Time stands still as I stand there horrified at what I am seeing while simultaneously realizing how lucky I am to be alive. Then the scene snaps back into real time as chaos ensues: fire, smoke, sirens. The rest is a blur of me getting away safely until somehow, someway (cue 1950s dramatic movie music) my ex-fiancé and I find each other! He wipes the dust and dirt off of my face and then we passionately embrace, and realize how short life is and that we HAVE to be together. We also recognize that it’s the perfect excuse to get back together because no one in our lives will have the gall to call either one of us out for it because the bombing is such a sensitive topic.

There’s a similar outcome in my “One of us gets into a car accident” daydream.

Build Me Up Buttercup

Mallrats was and remains to this day one of my favorite movies of all time. It is also my ex’s. On our first date we went back to his place afterwards and I remember checking out his DVD collection (one of the first things I do once inside someone’s residence. That or their book collection). “Mallrats is my favorite movie!” I said. His eyes got really large and he turns to his best friend who was also hanging out, “Isn’t that also my favorite movie?” and his friend shook his head vigorously up and down. That was a big moment for both of us, especially for him. I guess it’s not often that you come across a girl that says her favorite movie is the one that is your favorite movie, especially when it’s Mallrats (male humor: comics, pot, crazy antics).

We’ve had a couple ‘getting back together’ talks, about what each of us would require of the other to do so. I told him a big gesture from him would be in order. I need to feel that he’s willing to do something crazy to get me back. The crumbling of a relationship takes two. I know what I did wrong, but he cheated and that’s all people see. I told him he would have to win over the people in my life, too.

Hence, this fucked up day-dream: I dream about him recreating the end scene in Mallrats in an effort to get me back.

How he get’s a stage and a microphone, I don’t know! That detail doesn’t matter, it’s for him to figure out and orchestrate.

Brodie (him):”You. All right, I believe you have something that belongs to me.”
Shannon (some random dude I’m dating?):”Oh yeah, what’s that?”
Brodie (him):”Not you, Asshole. The girl. You have my heart.”
Rene (me):”What can I say? I love the retard.”

And then he brings me onstage and making out ensues. Maybe he even has a new engagement ring for me!

Here in Reality
Me at my desk thinking about God knows what.

After having many day-dreams of this caliber I realized that I needed to put a plan into action. You cannot sit at your desk every day crying - bosses and co-workers only have so much patience. I came up with a plan for blocking day dreams. At any given point in the work day I can have any combination of the following programs/sites running:

• Netflix (needs to be something I have already seen so I don’t need to actually look at the screen)
• AIM
• Grooveshark (Do not play Boyz II Men’s “End Of The Road”!)
• This American Life (not the Valentine’s Day episode or the one about cheaters)
• my Hotmail, gmail or AOL (lol, don’t judge, it’s my spam account) email accounts
• Mashable.com
• OKCupid (confidence booster)
• facebook (for stalking and wasting time)
• a notepad doc open for writing posts
• various news websites (MSN,CNN)
• Playing Words with Friends on my phone
• turntable.fm (new obsession)

AAAAnd I have to take a walk around 4-5:00 almost everyday to calm my mind down.

The shocking part is that all of the above actually helps me work more since I’m not getting sad.

Anything to keep me from thinking about non-reality.

#nerdsunite

#NerdsUnite: Confessions of an Unwed Bride

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Julie Wilson

Since my broken engagement I look at Facebook in a whole new light. It went from a fun place to see what friends are up to and to declare the positives of my life to a site that I knew was only holding misery for me in the form of status updates. Yet, I still can’t stop myself from logging in every day.

Here’s the breakdown on my social media breakdown.

Part I: Changing Your Relationship Status

I never would have thought that changing my relationship status on fb would be as traumatic as it ended up being for me. I made it into this big production. My ex and I sat down together at our computer and removed the status of engaged from each of our profiles. After I removed it I jumped to my profile and upon seeing the change on my wall activity, freaked and promptly removed it, hoping that no one saw it in the 2 seconds it was there. Then I clicked off of my profile, freaked, and clicked back on it to double check that it was not there. I asked him to remove it from his wall activities as well. I was soo embarrassed that our relationship had failed, there was no way I was about to broadcast it. I’ll never forget how painful it was the next time I logged on and went to my profile. After years of being together, there his picture wasn’t. To no longer have his picture show up on my profile page was the social media representation of our lives no longer being connected.

I don’t have a relationship status currently; I just can’t bring myself to do it.
To say “Single”.

Part II: Stalking

Oh, certainly the most shameful of my Facebook activities. After his account was no longer linked to mine, I began the almost daily act of typing his name into the search bar to look at his page. Like religiously. I would go through his friend list to see if he had added “her” yet (he still hasn’t). I know that because I checked it today (even if you’re reading this like a month from now, I still probably checked his profile on whatever day it is). Every time he would post something I would rip it apart trying to figure out what he meant by it. Self-inflicted torture on a daily basis.
 
He’s not the only one I Facebook stalk, though. I also frequently torture myself by going to “her” page and starting at her picture. She’s so beautiful. I spend way to much time comparing myself to her and thinking, “Okay, I get why he cheated on me. She’s taller than I am, younger than I am and she doesn’t have a big nose like I have.” Her happy posts leave me livid. How can her life go on as normal when she helped destroy mine? When my ex and I were still trying to work it out I would check her page for when she was out of town so that I knew when I didn’t have to watch his every move. Now it’s just so I can see her foursquare check-ins and breathe easy knowing I won’t run into her. I fear the day I see her in LA, I want to rip her face off so badly. Like I don’t care if I go to jail badly. Ugh, not my normal state of being. I had hoped that by deleting the one mutual friend that her and I shared I would no longer be able to see her page, but no, that bitch’s page is public.

Part III: Unfriend Your Ex

This was just as painful for me as changing our relationship status and just as necessary in moving on as Part II so clearly illustrates. You both need your own private space to pout and to announce to the world when you start dating again. The day he posted, “Cleaning house and starting over” I remember knowing exaaactly what he meant. I quickly opened his friends list and saw right away what he had been referring to: he had deleted everyone in MY life. My friends, my relatives, my brother and (this got me shaking with anger) my mother. She loved him and treated him like a son. I was soo mad at him. I texted him right away. “How am I going to explain this to my mom?” I understood completely why he did it. He was the cheater and he felt like all of my friends and family were constantly judging him (which I’m sure they were). A few days later we talked about deleting each other. The NEXT DAY he deleted me before I had the chance to delete him. Of course, once again, he got a seriously angry text from me. He was so confused (“I thought we agreed on this”) but I was just a ball of emotion, shocked that he actually went through with it (and secretly pissed that I didn’t get the satisfaction or empowerment from deleting him).

Deleting your ex obviously makes stalking them a bit tricky. I feel relieved that I can no longer see his updates and I feel better knowing that his life is NOT waiting for me to read about. I thought this would solve the stalking issue but alas, I discovered new ways to stalk. I’ll go to his info page and click on our mutual friends and then proceed to go to their pages and see if he has left any comments on their pages. Not just to see what he’s up to but because I hate feeling out of the loop.

Part IV: Facebook breakdown

Like I said, the period directly after we called off our wedding was one of great embarrassment to me. When we were together I felt like I was kicking everyone’s ass in the game of life. Suddenly, I found myself in last place. When I logged onto Facebook I had nothing positive to say and people’s happiness only saddened and angered me. I wanted to scream.

It’s no wonder I feel like shit about being single again at 28. Every time I look at facebook I am harshly reminded of my singleness. Honest to god, no exaggeration, every week someone I know is getting engaged, married or having a baby.

My Facebook friends break down:

217 friends total (I only friend people that I know and like).

Take out all of the people over 35, under 18 or animals = 26

New total= 191

Engaged= 15

Married= 49

Have Children= 29

It translates to my Facebook News Feed typically being full of comments about other’s love and family lives. It’s 95 chances to see a post that I don’t fucking care to see right now.

In the one week since i have taken this data, one person is now married and another one is engaged. Sometimes I just want to scream, “Hey everyone: Please pause your lives for a moment! I need to get back on track!

I should delete my account or just simply stop logging on.
But I’m a Facebook masochist.

#truth

#NerdsUnite: Confessions of an Unwed Bride

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Julie Wilson

You miss your ex? Yeah, so do I.

There are tons of books, articles and people out there who will tell you what you should and shouldn’t be doing at this time in your life. They are probably right. However, you can only do what is right for you, even if you make a mistake or two, or three.

I love making mistakes. They’re fun. Knowing it’s so wrong, but feels so right! And I’ve been making a whole hell of a lot of them lately.

Ya, I know I shouldn’t text my ex while I’m at work. Anything that leads to me crying at my desk is a huge no-no!

I most certainly know I shouldn’t talk to and see my ex. But I do. I can’t help it. I’ve known him for 8 years and sometimes I am just done with being sad and missing him. So I drive over to his house and for a few hours it’s like nothing has changed.

But of course, so very much has.

I’m aware I’m doing a lot of wrong. And that’s why I take victories where I can and I set some boundaries. When he couldn’t stop hanging out with the girl he cheated on me with while we were trying to see if we could make it work (it was in group settings, but uuuhhhh, same difference), I put my foot down and ended things. I give myself kudos for then making what I consider to be a great effort in rebuilding a life for myself. I really set out to start over and I’m proud of how I put myself out there. I’ve made a lot of friends and had a lot of fun. Enough to make my ex very jealous lol. I have done some things right. He moved out. I got a roommate. We unfriended each other on Facebook so we could have our privacy (more on that later). I WILL NOT break previously made plans to hang out with him.

Okay, one time I kinda did, but it was his birthday!

But I still see him about once a week. And sometimes we talk about getting back together.

And everyone (except one friend who has totally been there) in my life gives me shit for it, which just wigs me the fuck out. I’m not used to having people give me their opinion on my life and my actions as much as people have lately. OF COURSE, of course, of course, I understand that they are not really “giving me shit for it” they care about me and just want me to be happy and whole again!!

I just feel so lost. Without a road map. So yeah, sometimes I get turned around and have to circle back the way I came before I can figure out where it is that I am supposed to be going.

Thankfully, there are other types of mistakes to be made.

Over lunch a few weeks back one of my male friends told me, “Do you how many guys out there are just waiting to be your mistake?”

My response was simple - I can’t wait to find out.

#kthxbye

#NerdsUnite: Confessions of an Unwed Bride

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Julie Wilson

Editor's note: I recently had two friends tell me some very deep, and very involved stories of their broken engagements and their unbelievable frustration in not having an outlet, or people to talk to about it. They weren't married and divorced, yet a broken engagement isn't like a traditional break up - you also have to mourn this life that was promised to you. Incredibly heartbreaking. I instructed them both to start blogging, and they have. Their stories were too incredible to not share.

Sometimes I Just Give In

I close my eyes and let myself go to an event that never came into fruition.

I can see everything clearly in my mind as though it is real.

The tables all set with tropical center pieces with palm fronds laying underneath.The ocean in the distance behind the simple wooden arch-way draped with light-colored fabric. I can see myself in that gorgeous dress that I put a down payment on. It was more traditional than I had originally planned for my beach wedding in Islamorada, Florida, but it was the first dress I tried on and it fit me perfectly (which never happens to me). I’m holding my bouquet, the color of the flowers is fuzzy (i hadn’t finalized) but there are Sea Grape leaves throughout. Sea Grapes line the highways and beaches of the region and always show me I am home, as they only exist in South Florida (in the U.S). I can see him wearing a white shirt and khaki dress pants waiting for me by the alter in the sand.

I can smell a mix of ocean water and the night’s dinner. A whole roasted pig and seafood, an homage to the Cuban and Caribbean influences in South Florida.

I let myself feel the emotions I couldn’t wait to feel.

The joy of having every single person that both I and my fiancé care about in the same place at the same time (a big deal for someone who lives across the country from everyone she loves). I imagine how absolutely ecstatic I would have been, how 100% sure I would have been when I looked into his gorgeous blue eyes and said, “I do”. The pride that comes with planning a whole event that turns out exactly how you envisioned.

I let myself hear the music.

I’m getting my pictures taken as the jazz standards and singer-songwriter blend I had planned plays in the background after the ceremony. Songs like The Beatles’ “When I’m 64”, Ingrid Michaelson’s “Take Me The Way I Am” and Bobby Darin’s “Beyond The Sea”. Later the DJ is announcing us as husband and wife. We come out to The Cure’s “Just Like Heaven” (my absolute favorite song in the world. I’ve never had “our song” with anyone so the fact that my favorite song was to become our wedding song is a huge deal to me!!) and I am beaming. Then the song would seamlessly blend into Katie Melua’s slower, acoustic version of the song as we begin our first dance as a married couple.

I let myself imagine the later part of the evening after many have retired for the night. I’ve changed into a white bikini and the younger people are hanging out by the pool listening to one of our iPods. People are telling me that my wedding was beautiful yet so much more fun than other weddings they have been to.

I think about the save-the-date that we created together that came out perfect! Exactly as I had envisioned.
I think about the electric mixer on the registry.
I think about how stunning I would have looked when his sister was done with my hair and makeup.

I dream about how I am married.

But I’m not. It’s only in my mind.

"We were good as married in my mind, but married in my mind's no good."

#tear