Entries in how to pick up chicks (11)
Friday, September 2, 2011 at 11:02AM
#HowTo: Conquer your fears by being open
<editorsnote> Jordan is a dating coach. But not like "a" dating coach ... lemme rephrase that, he is THE dating coach. He has a show on SiriusXM called "Game On" and he's a super smarty pants when it comes to examining social dynamics. No ... like for real. </editorsnote>
#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Jordan Harbinger
What does it mean to you to be open?
How would you explain it to someone who didn’t understand? Just how open are you? Can you speak about your insecurities without twitching? Can you speak about where you have grown up or how you where raised without fear that people will judge you? It can be a hard thing to do. How solid is your foundation that supports who you really are?
We spend so much of our time trying to hide everything we don’t like about ourselves from friends, strangers–hell, even ourselves–that we rob ourselves of our lives one day at a time. Personally, when I was able to give all that up to just live and be who I really felt I was, it changed the way I looked at the world forever.
The first level of being open is in the attraction phase. When we learn to not be approval seeking, we learn to stop paying attention to how others view us because it has no relevance to us succeeding socially. If we are waiting around all night for someone to make us comfortable to dance we will be waiting along time. Remember the old saying, “Hope is not a strategy”.
I’ve seen it a 100 times… someone says to me: “I don’t care what anyone here thinks,” they say while standing locked up against the wall in terror refusing to talk to a 100-pound girl. Imagine that fear being lifted from you to do what you need to do there to have a good time and enjoy yourself. It is a power to be able to walk across the floor, grab a drink, walk over to the hottest girl there and have a dance. Whether it works or not, the power to do that unhindered is fantastic.
The Second level is now more of a rapport freedom. It’s one thing to be able to move through that room confidently and put your balls on the table without flinching, but it’s another to go into a conversation about how you feel without feeling vulnerable. Speaking clearly and openly on your feelings is hard, especially for men who have been conditioned for years that speaking this way makes one a weak man. So we begin to train ourselves to build walls. How are women going to connect with us if we cannot show we understand how they can feel?
We as men understand if we are going to open our self up we will vulnerable to attack. We also have to understand that the attacker is likely to be someone who is more scared or feels threatened by us being near and so open. If a six-year-old calls you an asshole, will you fire back with your own insults? Of course not, Why would you? We have to look at our attacker in the same way. I understand that he is scared, feels insecure and is looking for acceptance. Now how can I take an attack personally?
And yet guys continually refuse to open up in a way that lets women feel comfortable with them. Then, they wonder why these women never answer the phone. It’s time to man up and quit being wussbags about being vulnerable. When you are able to let go of all the bullshit you’ve been trying to keep under wraps, you will be able to generate strong connections that will last a lifetime.
Now this does not mean to start dumping your issues out all over the place when meeting people! That will scare the hell out of anybody. Just be able to give a descriptive take on how you feel about whatever comes up in the conversation. When she mentions, “what a beautiful day it was,” feel free to let her know what it meant to you.
As men we are so shut off from our feelings we can’t even feel them till they overwhelm us. Then it is too late. Spend some time this month tasting our food… Notice the trees and flowers… Really listen to that song, what is it about? What does it sound like? Give life the opportunity to exist in your world.
#nerdsunite
To learn more from The Art of Charm about how to meet & attract women, visit www.afterhello.com And, if you're an LA local, you can stop by The Art of Charm office and meet the crew!
#NerdsUnite: What Does Fight Club Teach Us About Dating?
Editor's Note: Jordan is a dating coach. But not like "a" dating coach ... lemme rephrase that, he is THE dating coach. He has a show on SiriusXM called "Game On" and he's a super smarty pants when it comes to examining social dynamics. No ... like for real.
#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Jordan Harbinger
"This is your life and it’s ending one minute at a time.”
I watched Fight Club recently on BluRay and re-asserted the awesomeness of it in my personal movie universe. This isn’t just a killer movie, it’s a piece of cinematic literature. It spoke to me. Some of the great themes: throwing off the corporate chains. Embracing our nature as animals and our need to be violent. Our need to screw like animals. Rebellion. The internal battle of good vs. evil. Being an insider and being a part of something that makes us special. Living a life of passion. Pushing the edges and finding our limits. The bad boy versus the nice guy.
Everyone knows that Fight Club makes a great metaphor for game. Check it out.
1st and 2nd rules. You DO NOT talk about Fight Club. We actually talk about dating and game ad nauseum online, so when we’re out in the field socializing, we DON’T TALK ABOUT FIGHT CLUB…I mean, don’t talk about game. This is a great rule. Don’t analyze your interactions mid-set, don’t debrief in the club, do not get out of the moment. Instead, live in the moment and fill your interactions with passion. Revel in the closes and laugh at the blowouts. The time for breaking down interactions is after you’ve had sex with a chick, or when you’re back at the house at the end of the night.
3rd Rule: If someone says “stop,” goes limp, taps out, the fight is over. If you get blown out, eject from the set and move on. If you get broken up with or you do the breaking up, don’t linger in the relationship, move on. Next.
4th Rule: Only two guys to a fight. This is a good wingman rule; don’t move in on your buddy’s target. I also see this in another way. I see this as an internal battle, the alpha vs. beta, chode vs. player. When you’re out socializing, the challenge is always one of you versus yourself, not you versus the chick, versus the club, or versus other dudes. You are the one who makes game happen, and you are the one who defines a good night versus a bad night. In the movie, the true battle is actually between the unnamed narrator (Ed Norton) vs. Tyler Durden (Brad Pitt), or the protagonist versus himself.
5th Rule: One fight at a time. Live a life of abundance, but stay focused on who’s in front of you.
6th Rule: No shirts, no shoes. Go into your interactions unadorned and exposed as a true man of character. Let people see who you truly are.
7th Rule: Fights will go on as long as they have to. Run your sets to their natural conclusions. Give it your best effort and fight to win, but don’t be afraid to lose either. Take chances. Plow when needed.
8th Rule: If this is your first night at Fight Club, you HAVE to fight. This is the most important rule on the list. If it’s your first time out, you HAVE to open sets. No excuses. Treat every single social opportunity in the same way, even if it’s approach 1 or approach 1000.
Here’s a great Fight Club quote:
“A guy who came to Fight Club for the first time, his ass was a wad of cookie dough. After a few weeks, he was carved out of wood.”
When you’re beta and suck with chicks, you’re that wad of cookie dough. After you go into the field enough and do hundreds of approaches, you’re carved out of wood. Your entire reality is different. Everything else in your life gets the volume turned down. You turn into a fucking warrior.
Remember, don’t talk about Fight Club!
To learn more from The Art of Charm about how to meet & attract women, visit www.afterhello.com And, if you're an LA local, you can stop by The Art of Charm office and meet the crew!
#nerdsunite
#NerdsUnite: A boy's guide to girl talk
Oh my goodness gracious-magacious ... just came across this on Yahoo, and it's kinda making my life. It's just so truuuuueeeee!!! BAH!!
Per Yahoo: If you’ve ever spoken to a woman, it’s fair to say you’ve been confused by one. Yes doesn’t always mean yes, no doesn’t always mean no, and most of us have once in our lives even admitted, “Well, I may have said that, but I didn’t mean it.” What’s with all the mixed messages? “Women communicate by giving subtle suggestions instead of being literal, so we can check for positive reinforcement before we continue. We want to be careful about the impact we have on the other person,” explains Sharyn Wolf, CSW, a psychotherapist in New York City. But while figuring out what women really want can be difficult, it’s not impossible. So follow this guide to “girl-speak.” These are some of the things you might hear a woman say as you meet, date and woo her — and the code for reading between the lines.
What she says: “You’re really sweet, but I have a boyfriend.”
What she means: “You’re really sweet, but I definitely don’t want to date you.”
Why she says it: It’s a classic weekend night scene, somewhere in public. You see her sitting by herself and figure it’s as good a time as any to make a move. And it’s all going so well — she’s smiling, she’s answering your questions — until she drops the bomb that she has a boyfriend. Now, she may be telling the truth. But more likely this “boyfriend” is merely a ploy to get you to back off fast. “I use that line all the time; it really works without hurting a guy’s feelings too much,” says Claire McKimmie. “It shows immediately that there’s nothing more to say.”
What she says: “Why don’t I take your number and I’ll call you?”
What she means: “There’s no way I’m giving you my number, so why don’t I take yours?”
Why she says it: Even in this day and age, most women like to be pursued, so if we really like you, we’ll happily hand over our digits and wait for you to call. Pretty much the only time we’ll ask for your number is — sorry — when we want to keep the ball in our court and, well, never see you again. Other not-so-great responses: “Why don’t you email me instead,” “You can get my number through our mutual friend-of-a-friend-of-a-friend Marcy” or “I’m listed.” Trust us, if she likes you, she’ll make it easy for you to call.
What she says: “Oh, sorry, I already have weekend plans.”
What she means: “I don’t necessarily have weekend plans, but you’re calling so last-minute I’d feel like a loser if I admitted I was free and took you up on your offer.”
Why she says it: As much as we all say that The Rules is an outdated tome that brews trouble between the genders, there are still some things we can’t let go of. And one of them is that we don’t want to accept plans with you last-minute, because we don’t want you to think we’re that easy to catch. “If a guy waits until Friday to ask me out on Saturday, I’ll probably say no,” says Claire Arnaud. “He has to work for it. And if he doesn’t have the patience to call back next week, too bad, that’s his loss.”
What she says: “This feels good, but we really shouldn’t.”
What she means: “I want you, bad, but don’t want to get burned.”
Why she says it: The night is winding down, and it’s time to decide whether she should hold ‘em, fold ‘em, or soldier on into the morning light with you. So if your date isn’t telling you a flat-out “No,” “I don’t want to,” or “I don’t like you that way,” chances are she really does like you — and want you — that way. She’d just rather wait a few weeks or months until she knows you’re not a love-’em-and-leave-’em type. “It’s possible she’s been in the position before of becoming intimate with a man and wanting to hear from him and then not hearing from him — and she doesn’t want to make that mistake again,” says Wolf. So if you’re a guy who really does want the relationship to go further (be honest now), it’s worth telling her so to see if she’ll change her mind.
What she says: “So, what have you been up to?”
What she means: “Why haven’t you called me? Are you seeing someone else?”
Why she says it: If we haven’t talked to you in a few weeks and then you suddenly start calling again, all we want to know is, What the heck took you so long? But because we want you to think we’re laid-back “Hey, whatever” women, all we dare squeeze out is a general inquiry. “I don’t want him to know I care,” says Emilie Giroud Capet. Our biggest fear? That you’ve been calling other women instead of us. Whether that’s the case or not, you’re best off filling in your missing weeks with very unromantic things. “I’m hoping he’ll tell me he’s been working really hard,” says Emilie, “or better, that he’s been really sick.”
What she says: “If you want to have a guy’s night, go ahead, fine.”
What she means: “I really, really don’t want you to go. And if you do, I’m going to be upset.”
Why she says it: It seemed innocuous enough; you asked her if she’d mind rescheduling your romantic night in so you could go out with the guys. She’s given you the green light. So what’s the red flag in that statement? The word “fine.” See, when a woman says something is fine, it’s decidedly not. “A woman will say it’s fine for him to go without her because she doesn’t want to get in a fight about it, even though deep down, she doesn’t want him to go without her,” says Wolf. Another phrase women often use to clue you into their displeasure: “If you like.” As in, “Sure, you can go out with the guys tonight, if you like.” That’s a pretty clear sign that while you may like it, she sure won’t. Either way, feel free to play dumb and go out with your buddies — just be ready to accept the consequences when you return.
What she says: “So, tell me about Diane.”
What she means: “Should I be threatened by Diane?”
Why she says it: When a man brings up another female’s name in the midst of a story, a woman’s internal panic button is pressed — she fears that you’re talking about her because you’re secretly attracted to her. So until you make it clear you wouldn’t touch Diane with a ten-foot pole, our insecurities will lead us to assume she’s a wasp-waisted blonde who laughs at your jokes — and you’d love to be her boyfriend. So if Diane is attractive and available, please don’t say, “She’s really cool.” Instead, try, “Diane’s just someone I work with. Wow, she can be annoying sometimes. Some guys at the office are drawn to her but I don’t get it; she’s not all that.”
What she says: “I love the way you smell.”
What she means: “I love you, but I don’t dare tell you I love you before you tell me you love me.”
Why she says it: “I just told the guy I’ve been dating for three weeks that I loved the way he smelled,” says Lili De Monseignat, “but it’s more him that I love than his smell.” Then why hold back? Because women know that telling a guy we love him before he tells us could be too much for him to handle. “It’s too soon to tell him I love him, because he’ll freak out and run away!” says Lili. But if you want to be loved, perk your ears up for the word itself. “I love your dog,” “I love your apartment,” “I love the way you dress,” and “I love that you love Indian food” are all signs that something big is bubbling underneath that little heart of hers. In other words, gentlemen, please be gentle.
#thatisall
#Question: When can you tell that she wants to be kissed?
#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Jordan Harbinger
Hey guys - I’ve got a huge topic to discuss with you today. I can safely say it’s something you’ve wondered about, (if you’re like most of the guys I meet) and that you’re still probably a little confused by it. At the end of this message is a tried & true technique that will ALWAYS give you the answer to the question: Is she ready to be kissed?
You never want to make your move too soon, of course – but you also never want to wait forever, closing the door on the sexual tension that is flowing. I got an interesting question from a guy named Darren a few weeks back, which gives me the ideal path into this topic: And hats off to him, because he honestly admits his shortcoming.
Most guys won’t admit it, but they fumble this moment like a rookie running back. Want to be Walter Payton?
Listen up:
Recently, I was out on a date with a great girl I met at a party. A number of times in the evening, she would look at me and hold the stare a bit longer than usual. I kept thinking, “she wants me to kiss her”. was so nervous though, that I never went for it! What is the best way to set up a kiss with a girl? I mean, I know how to kiss her, I just wonder if there is a cool way to make the move. Help!
Thanks,
Darren
Darren, Darren, Darren…I feel your pain, man.
First of all, don’t worry – this is by far the TOP question I get from guys. “How do I smoothly go from talking to kissing?”
Surprisingly, even the most skilled guys I’ve come across are constantly looking to handle this tricky situation a bit better.
So, here we go – the step-by-step guide to being super smooth when it’s time to smooch:
In my estimation, this is where most guys blow it. They know the girl is ready to be kissed, yet they freeze up and pass a bunch of good opportunities to make a move,waiting for that perfect one. Even worse, they’ll wait hoping the woman will make the first move. (Don’t do that Darren…please)
If you’re the kind of guy who hesitates, I got news for you… There are no perfect windows of opportunity, just many good ones,and 99% of the time she will not be the first to initiate any form of intimacy. If she does, consider yourself lucky. How do we handle this highly charged moment?
Very simply (as always with me).
Here are some steps, because I have a hunch you like structure (like me):
1) The first thing to make sure of is that you’re both having a good time, getting along well and physical contact has been established. It could be anything from holding hands, to a playful push on the shoulder. At this point, it is important that she has touched you in some way indicating interest on her part.
2) When you feel you have reached this point, start slowing down the energy of the interaction. Start subtly moving a bit closer to her, slowing down your speech, and take longer pauses between sentences. The thought here is SUBTLE.
3) Now here’s the secret, the one move that will assure you to be remembered by her as the smoothest guy ever… During each of those pauses in your conversation,stare at her lips. You can even start talking again, though slowly, still staring at her lips. Start slowly moving in closer. The words you’re saying at this point become irrelevant; the sexual tension in the air will be too thick.
4) Slowly move your eyes from her mouth to her eyes and back again. If she has not moved away, or shown any sign of unease, you can place a hand on her hip and bring her in closer.
5) Usually she will lean in the rest of the way and kiss you. After all, at this stage, your lips should only be an inch or two away from hers. Congratulations! In her mind, you are now the world’s smoothest man. Now, I realize that may be a bit of a “high dive” for some of you.
Let’s lower this a bit, and give you one more technique to know if it’s on. Women always wear perfume, right?
It’s safe to say that a woman will usually head out with a fragrance and it will usually be featured around her neck area.
Say this:
“Mmmm, you’re wearing a nice fragrance tonight – what’s the scent?” Then, lean in and subtly sniff her neck. Meanwhile, observe her body language – does she flinch when you get closer? Or, does she stay calm or even move in to you, inviting you to get closer? If it’s the latter, then it’s TIME – no question about it. All you do next is simply move back a bit (but not back to where you were before you leaned over), and do steps 4 & 5 from above…
#nerdsunite
