#Fact: Never Treat Someone Like a Priority, When They Treat You Like an Option

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Jordan Harbinger

I remember when I was young and new to the community, I used to get flaked on quite a bit, and it was a big issue for me and a lot of the other guys I hung out with back then. Nowadays, I get flaked on very rarely, and I think it all comes down to an attitude shift;  changing my attitude toward dates from treating them like priorities, to treating them like options.

Let me explain.

Cool people who have stuff going on in their lives don’t treat dates like priorities. Hot girls don’t pull out their blackberries and writes the date into their calendars when I invite them out, and they don’t expect me to do so either. Even if you’re a really cool guy, and she really likes you, chances are any plans you make together are still options, not priorities. And that’s fine with me, because I don’t expect to be treated like a priority, and I don’t really WANT to be treated like one anyway.

So what is the difference between a priority and an option?

A priority is when you mark a date off in your calendar, cancel your other plans, and start tidying your apartment just in case she comes back to your place. A priority is when you presume that the date is going to happen in a certain way, at a certain time, and you get fixated on that. Implicitly, when you treat a date like a priority, you’re presuming that the other person is treating it like a priority too. And most importantly, when you make something a priority, you get disappointed when the plans change or get canceled.

An option, on the other hand, is much more flexible. An option is simply the possibility of doing something, with real plans TBA. When you have an option open with a girl, there’s no pressure, there are no real plans, and there’s just an agreement that you like one another and will hang out as soon as your busy schedules work together. An option is when you have plans for Thursday, but you call her up on Wednesday and say “let’s grab a pint tonight.” Options are not real plans; they only become solid plans a few hours before the event, when you call up and say “Hi, you still down for some Vietnamese food in the market?”

They are emotionally driven; we will meet up when it feels right, and we will do what we feel like doing at that time. Any plans are really only guidelines for what is going to be an emotionally driven activity.

The great thing about treating dates like options is that they’re low-pressure, comfortable, and make you look like an easygoing, busy guy who doesn’t care too much about the interaction. By treating dates like options, you’re preventing the logistics of the situation from interfering with the emotions of the situation. As long as the emotions are good, as long as she’s attracted to me and wants to meet up with me, then I can be confident that the logistics will work out eventually.

The other thing about options is that they’re easy. Easy come, easy go, easy to reschedule.

Because I never treated the option like it was a big deal, I don’t care if she reschedules or cancels. In fact, I usually have several options on any given night (either with girls or with friends or other activities) so there are always backup plans. And of course, everyone I have an option with is treating it like an option too, so I’m not leaving people high and dry.

If you treat a date as a priority, or worse, try and make her treat your date like a priority, you’re going to damage the emotional momentum that is driving her to want to meet up with you. If you’ve treated the date as a priority, and it doesn’t work out, you’re going to be disappointed. And if you’re disappointed, chances are it’s going to come out in your voice or in something you say, and all of a sudden, the emotions of the interaction have changed. Maybe she’ll think you’re lame, or maybe she’ll just feel guilty for bailing on you, but either way, attraction and excitement has been replaced with something else. Your emotional momentum is lost, and it will be much harder to get her to meet up with you again.

If you try to make her treat your date like a priority, you’re probably going to come across like a tool. Some gurus advocate calling women out on their flakiness. That’s a great idea if you don’t care about talking to her again. Likewise, trying to pressure or guilt a girl into going on a particular date with you is a great way to ruin attraction and ensure she doesn’t answer the phone when you call next. The fact is, unless you have tickets to a Bob Dylan concert or something, it’s really lame and needy to expect a woman to treat your casual date plans as a priority.

Treating dates like options can sometimes be a bit of a pain. Sometimes, you have to wait a week or more between getting a girl’s number and meeting up with her. You can’t plan really complicated dates, and you often need to have some decent phone game to keep the emotional momentum going in between meetups, but in the end, it’s a much more effective strategy.

Eventually, as long as she’s attracted to you, she WILL meet up with you in the end. And the hard-to-get, busy girls are usually the most fun anyways.

Peace out!

To learn more from The Art of Charm about how to meet & attract women, visit www.afterhello.com And, if you're an LA local, you can stop by The Art of Charm office and meet the crew!

#nerdsunite

#Question: Can your one night stand do this?

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Jordan Harbinger

There’s a certain irony I’ve noticed in the world of men’s dating advice these days that amazes me.  And it’s this:  

While most guys, when polled, say they really want to find a great woman more than anything else, the vast majority of material I see out there focuses on how to get the quick lay, and pretty much leaves it at that.

The craziest part? I don’t think I’m offering a groundbreaking announcement here. I think most people, even in the Seduction Community, know this.

It’s like an elephant in the chat room.  All across the fruited plain, guys do a Google search to the effect of “How do I find a girlfriend?”  and end up training to be a pickup artist.

How does this happen?

Well, the first contributing factor is what I believe to be a major disconnect between what guys really want and the kind of marketing that they respond to.  Time and again, it has been proven by the Internet marketing gurus that certain types of web designs, certain copywriting tactics and even medium-red Tahoma Bold headlines beginning with “Who Else Wants To” are what cause people to buy.

Admittedly, even on my own websites I’m compelled to fall in line with proven design themes because they flat-out work.  And likewise, for better or worse, two of the most historically effective memes in marketing are “sex sells” and “immediate gratification rules.”  Said differently, even if a guy truly wants a great girlfriend, it’s going to be the promise of sex, as soon and as often as possible, that’s going to be what gets his attention first.

Second, it’s a matter of what makes the Internet tick in general.  Most of us in this space tend to disclaim what we do as being “for entertainment purposes only.”  Our intentions, of course, are to ensure the kind of legal protection that makes most of what you see out there branded as “dating advice” possible.  The wild part is that in many cases, it’s the truth. Stuff really is “for entertainment purposes only.”

Online, one can remain largely anonymous. Therefore, one can basically say whatever one wants, go wherever one wants and partake of whatever one wants, all in “stealth mode.” The tremendous but largely underground popularity of Internet porn sites underscores this concept. People visit in droves, but usually don’t advertise this fact to anyone else.  And while pickup and seduction really isn’t exactly porn, it’s still hella more fun to read about, post blogs about, and watch YouTube vids about than stuff like, oh, how to get a great woman in your life.  But the fact remains:  Most guys really, truly want more out of life than either a “quick and easy lay” or an endless series thereof.  If you really, truly are convinced that a lifetime of one night stands is for you, then my guess is that you’ve already long since stopped reading this article.

But if you are indeed a guy who honestly envisions complete control over his dating life, culminating in a successful long-term relationship with the greatest woman you have ever known, I have a challenge for you.

And that challenge is this:  What are you REALLY, TRULY doing proactively to make that happen in your life?

Have you been swallowed whole by a world that’s purely “for entertainment purposes” to you, or can you see the light at the end of the tunnel?

A couple of years ago, I found some rare downtime and happened to watch the final half hour or so of The Open Championship live from Royal Birkdale, in England.  If you aren’t a golfer, the important part here is it’s one of the most prestigious tournaments in the world.  Padraig Harrington played the final few holes of the tournament brilliantly. When he finally sank that final putt on 18, having shaken the hands of his worthy competitors, his adoring wife made her way out to the green, carrying Padraig’s second son in her arms.

She arrived shortly after four-year-old Padraig, Jr, who had bounded out to his father as soon as he was allowed to and sprang into his arms, fully trusting that he would be caught.  A moment later, the entire family was in an embrace, surely a world unto themselves at that point. They were savoring the moment together. Padraig, Sr’s countenance said it all. He was the happiest man on Earth. Yeah, winning the golf tournament, for the second year running, no less, was a phenomenal feat. But there was no denying that having those who were most important to him around to share the experience was what made the victory most satisfying.

Can your one night stand do that?

If not, why not evaluate where your focus is and how satisfied you are with the progress you are making when it comes to building real, holistic skills with women that can carry you through a lifetime of success. Even if you don’t win a major championship anytime soon, becoming a man who deserves what he wants and making it happen is truly its own reward.

To learn more from The Art of Charm about how to meet & attract women, visit www.afterhello.com And, if you're an LA local, you can stop by The Art of Charm office and meet the crew!

#nerdsunite