#NerdsUnite: Five Moves That Make You Look Bad in Bed (and How to Avoid Them)

<editorsnote> Jordan is a dating coach. But not like "a" dating coach ... lemme rephrase that, he is THE dating coach. He has a show on SiriusXM called "Game On" and he's a super smarty pants when it comes to examining social dynamics. No ... like for real. </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Jordan Harbinger

As a talk show host and dating coach for The Art of Charm, I speak to thousands of guys every year who entrust me with their deepest fears and insecurities. One of the most common, by far, is that women will think a guy’s bad in bed.

If you’re a two-pump chump, can’t get it up or think “labia” is a country in Africa, they’ll find out pretty damn quick that you can’t take care of business. But what’s more disturbing? A woman can tell a guy’s hopeless long before you glimpse her undies—and that can actually prevent any action from even happening.

Even if you’re a superstar in the sack, telltale signs can kill your chances of proving it. Here are five my expert sources (a.k.a. hot chicks) say are dealbreakers—and how to fix them.

Problem: Fidgeting

Art of Charm coach Kim assumes a guy will be bad in bed by how he moves. Quick, jerky or nervous movements show plainly that “he’s not comfortable in his own body, and won’t be comfortable with mine.”

Fix it: 

The quickest solution is exercise, especially a masculine sport such as boxing or MMA. If you don’t enjoy getting punched in the grill repeatedly on a daily basis, go for Crossfit—it totally changes how you move, increases body coordination and obliterates stress. Say goodbye to nervous, jerky movements and say hello to a new body type and level of fitness. As an bonus, most Crossfit boxes (gyms) are jam-packed with hot, fit women.

 Problem: Queasiness

You’re grossed out by the human body and freak when a girl has leg hair, you spot menstrual blood, etc. Our girl Andrea, 27, tells us, “the yard shouldn’t have to be perfectly groomed for you to play in it.” If you’re verbally or visibly uneasy with the female body or your own, she senses that you’re probably going to be a pretty sterile, unimaginative lay.

Fix it:

Get over it, bro. Sex is sometimes down and dirty. The more you learn to dig that, the more comfortable she’ll feel letting her guard down around you both on the streets and between the sheets.

Problem: Indecision

Think “I don’t know, what do you want to do tonight?” That kind of wishy-washiness hardly impresses Leyla, 26. “When he leaves everything to me on a date, it leads me to expect that he’s going to be the same way in the bedroom, and women don’t want that.”

Fix it:

Man up and plan a date. It doesn’t have to be perfect—just putting forth the effort goes a long way. Quick tip: invite her to something you’re already planning on doing. “Hey, have you been to the Chinese Market downtown? Some friends and I might check it out this weekend. They’ve got all kinds of unidentifiable things that you can eat. Feeling adventurous enough to join us?” The added benefit is, if she flakes, you’re not stuck sitting around. 

Problem: Bad Touching

This is one of the top complaints women have about men regarding foreplay and sex. It’s something that even many experienced guys get totally, horribly wrong. Emily, a sexologist and friend of The Art of Charm, explains that she “has to like the way his casual touch feels. If I unconsciously tense up and pull away from his touch, I listen to my body. Also, if he touches me too much or not enough, I can tell he won’t know how to please me when things get more intimate.”

Fix it:

Your touch should be natural, and escalate from friendly to something more over time. In other words, the exact opposite of the ultra-common mistake—not touching until you’re trying to “make a move.” Also, don’t look at the area you’re touching or call undue attention to it, which will creep her out big time. All this requires practice. Learn more here.

Problem: Lack of Adventure

Saying things that make you sound boring in the sack is unforgivable. Among the worst blunders is being judgmental about other people’s sexual proclivities. Katie, 29, was turned off when a guy expressed a bit of revulsion about a past sexual exploit. “He basically labeled himself a dead cow in bed when he told me that the last girl he dated was ‘kind of a freak’ because she wanted him to pull her hair. Sorry, but almost every girl I know loves that at the right time. If he thinks that was weird, I’m going to have to teach him everything, and it’ll probably fall on deaf ears.”

Fix it: 

Keep an open mind, and, if you can’t, shut the hell up. The saddest part is, the poor schmuck in the above example was probably just testing the waters to see if Katie would be into it—he just handled it all wrong. The best way to introduce something new, by the way, is to gently give it a try while you’re in the act and go from there. Just, maybe don’t bring out the handcuffs right away.

#nerdsunite

Jordan Harbinger is a Wall Street lawyer turned Social Dynamics expert and coach.  He is the owner and co-founder of The Art of Charm, a dating and relationships coaching company.  If you dig this and want to learn more from Jordan and The Art of Charm team, then visit http://www.theartofcharm.com.  You can also interact with Jordan on Facebook.

#NerdsUnite: So She Has a Boyfriend. So what?

<editorsnote> Jordan is a dating coach. But not like "a" dating coach ... lemme rephrase that, he is THE dating coach. He has a show on SiriusXM called "Game On" and he's a super smarty pants when it comes to examining social dynamics. No ... like for real. </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Jordan Harbinger

So you hit it off with a woman and then she tells you that she has a boyfriend.

If you really have balls – and you have to do this with extreme confidence – you can to look her directly in the eyes and say, “Listen, I’m going to lay it flat out for you. I rarely meet someone that I find this attractive, and you’ve got fucking killer energy.”

Continue, “Here’s what I’m going to do: I know that there’s a chance in life that this boyfriend of yours – and he’s your boyfriend, not your husband – might not work out in the future. I’m not someone who is going to squash your relationship; I’m not going to tell you to break up with him, and I don’t want to be your friend.”

“It’s not that I don’t like being friends with women, but I don’t want to be the shoulder to cry on.” So you say all that and then you just smile. You can even play it up a little bit and play it off as a joke: “I don’t like wearing dresses; I’m not one of the girls.”

You keep going, “But I have to tell you something – you have a dynamic presence. If you ever break up with him, here is my card. Tuck it away in a corner; put it on the shelf in your shoe closet – I don’t care where you put it. But if you break up with him, you and I are going to get together and I’m going to get to know you better.”

If you can say that with confidence, hand her that card, and then with the theme music to a movie in your head, you touch her lightly on the arm and ask, “What was your name?” She says, “Amy.”

You respond, “Amy, it was a pleasure. We will be seeing each other soon.” And then you walk away smoothly.

She will tell her friends and her friends will not believe her. Her friends will say, “What are you talking about? Why are you still going out with Joe? Come on, go out with that guy!” And she’ll have your card. She’ll produce that card.

You have to play the percentages. Just because she’s in a relationship doesn’t mean it’s a good or healthy one. You don’t have time to find out if it’s good or not – you’re not a girl. You don’t want to find out about the depth of her relationship with another guy.

But you are willing to play the cards. And when you play that card, it will get passed around to her friends. “Was he hot?” they will ask. “Oh my god, he was hot,” she will say, and they’ll say, “Text him, text him!”

If you have that confidence, you never know what might happen. I have done this before and received random text messages a few days later. You ask, “Who is this?” and she responds, “It’s Magazine Girl!”

If you really want to get in touch with her, get sensual with her and give her a nickname. “Alright, Magazine Girl, I’ll see you later.” “Alright, Chocolate Girl, I’ll see you later.” Giving her a nickname creates immediate intimacy.

Doing this takes total balls!

#nerdsunite

Jordan Harbinger is a Wall Street lawyer turned Social Dynamics expert and coach.  He is the owner and co-founder of The Art of Charm, a dating and relationships coaching company.  If you dig this and want to learn more from Jordan and The Art of Charm team, then visit http://www.theartofcharm.com.  You can also interact with Jordan on Facebook.

#NerdsUnite: How to build rapport on a date

<editorsnote> Jordan is a dating coach. But not like "a" dating coach ... lemme rephrase that, he is THE dating coach. He has a show on SiriusXM called "Game On" and he's a super smarty pants when it comes to examining social dynamics. No ... like for real. </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Jordan Harbinger

Rapport is an emotional exchange that helps people feel a connection on a deeper level. The next time you go out to eat, observe the people chatting with each other. What you’ll often see is people leaning toward one other, smiling, making eye contact and mirroring or mimicking each other’s movements and gestures. They’re in rapport. On a subconscious level, we all mirror the movements of someone we like or want to impress.

If you are trying to connect with a woman but feel as though you seem to be missing something, that something is probably the mutual trust and respect that is formed through rapport.

This trust can be sparked through body language, vocal tonality, wordage, and confidence. If you act like there is already a layer of trust, the other person will assume you a trustworthy person.

Sharing emotions doesn’t have to be rough, nor does it mean you are weak. Indeed, you’ll find that sharing how you feel at the right time (during rapport) will make you seem more confident – showing you aren’t afraid to show who you really are. People want to get to know the real you on a real level, and this can only be done through rapport and exchange.

Since rapport is an emotional exchange, you may be thinking, “How do I initiate this exchange?” The easiest answer to this question is this – open yourself up first. Men are made to be leaders. Without opening up first, women may not feel comfortable talking about themselves on a deeper level. Opening up first shows vulnerability because there is a possibility that you won’t be accepted. You can’t expect a girl to lower her guard unless you let yours down first.

American culture says men should be stone-faced, and because of this, men work without end to hide their emotions from others. This works against our gender role of protector and provider. Showing no emotion does not provide the emotional outlet females need. Women want to know that we understand how they feel, and to be able to understand how we feel in return. That connection is what bonds people together. No vulnerability means that the woman cannot feel completely open and comfortable around you. Being able to communicate how you feel emotionally, without letting it overwhelm you, is a key trait that many men look over because we are so worried about being attacked for a lack of manliness. Being authentically manly means sharing emotions when the time is right, not remaining hidden to the world.

One of the most important things in life is knowing who you are. Rapport with anyone, let alone a woman, is difficult if you don’t know who you are – what your passions in life are.

Spend a little time soul-searching. Get to know your feelings, what you believe in and how it affects your interactions and thoughts on a daily level.

Trust me, you won’t regret it.

Doing this helps build a sense of self, and helps formulate how you think about yourself in a positive way. When you are able to speak freely about some of your own feelings, it becomes a lot easier for others to feel comfortable and add to the rapport. Once you have that, people feel more at ease to invest in the interaction, building a better bond that you may use to transition into seduction, a strong friendship, a healthy work environment, or better family bonds.

Feeling vulnerable will be uncomfortable at first, but these are the things women will connect with and find endearing.

Opening up is great, but be careful about too much rapport too soon. This will come across as being needy. Try to be conscious of this. She’ll be chasing you if you don’t give up too much after opening up.

#nerdsunite

Jordan Harbinger is a Wall Street lawyer turned Social Dynamics expert and coach.  He is the owner and co-founder of The Art of Charm, a dating and relationships coaching company.  If you dig this and want to learn more from Jordan and The Art of Charm team, then visit http://www.theartofcharm.com.  You can also interact with Jordan on Facebook.

#NerdsUnite: Spreading seeds in the key of Doc Brown

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Fabio. Yes. Real name. We're friends in the digispace and he owns and blogs at the fantastically awesome site LetsTalkSex.net. He's here today to share one of his latest and greatest tips on sex, and I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT FABIO!! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Fabio Black

If you happen to meet Doc from “Back to the Future” you should definitely ask to be taken for a trip to prehistoric times.

As a quick ejaculator, you’d have a few advantages living back then.

1) You would be able to fertilize a woman quickly

2) You could fertilize many women

3) You could fertilize a woman even if a leopard was around the corner

4) You could quickly fertilize a woman at the second attempt if the first hadn’t “gone through”

5) You could quickly fertilize someone else’s woman

Your genes would be safe and you’d be a happy man.

Men used to envy quick ejaculators because they were the ones with the largest amount of offspring, biggest tribe and the most power, and maybe because they used to screw all the women so quickly that no one was ever able to see them doing it!

If instead you’re curious and can’t help yourself but ask super Doc to be taken to the future you’d find your quick ejaculation skills quite out of place.

In a world where kids become a less and less popular option, your quick ejaculation is only useful to clean your prostate.

You’d have the cleanest prostate in the world, but nothing more.

As a consequence of the evolution you’d notice that everyone in the future is naturally able to consciously control their ejaculation. You’d be out of place, super jealous and unable to learn a skill everyone instinctively masters.

If you meet Doc from "Back to the Future", just ignore him and look straight ahead, because the best moment for you is not the past or the future, it’s now. Now we are in a transition phase when men are adapting to their environment and going from being quick ejaculators into being conscious ejaculators.

You were born in the right time.

Now is the moment.

#thatisall

Fabio Black writes about sex, sex and sex. But not necessarily in that order. Read more about him here.

#NerdsUnite: Past the point of no return (a lesson on sexual timing)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Fabio. Yes. Real name. We're friends in the digispace and he owns and blogs at the fantastically awesome site LetsTalkSex.net. He's here today to share one of his latest and greatest tips on sex, and I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT FABIO!! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Fabio Black

First thing you need to understand is that you can get close to the point of no return or point of ejaculatory inevitability simply by thinking. As I told you in my post about perception and lasting longer, some people can actually get so excited and even come without a sexy lady touching them at all.

This is one of the greatest mistakes you can make. You come quickly but think you can afford to start taking control of your ejaculation only when you’re about to have sex.

And then if someone asks you why you come quickly you would say: “Oh, it’s because I feel very excited and as soon as she touches or licks me I feel very close to coming and then… then I try to do everything possible to stop myself… and then I come”.

You feel kind of surprised by the ejaculation, as if it betrays you, or happens without giving you any notice.

But it did not.

The ejaculation did give you notice, it always does, the problem is that you have no ears to listen.
You must start and take action way before you enter the bedroom. You must take action the moment you feel you’re getting aroused.

Letting the arousal build up in your body and remembering about it only when you’re almost penetrating her is a key strategy to failure.

That’s nonsense. Nonsense a lot of men go through.

I’m sure that if you were like I was, you start getting aroused way before she’s naked with her legs spread in your bed.

Maybe you get aroused in the street when taking her to your door, or when she texts you saying she’s coming to your place tonight.

That’s when you start getting hard and paradoxically, that’s the moment when you need to start to relax. Yes, way before sex.

Your ejaculation process starts when your erection is initiating, and you want to start taking control of this process when it’s a “little cub” and not when it becomes an overwhelming monster!

Be careful of the word “relax”. It’s a big, huge word, one of the most useless words in the human dictionary.
You need to know exactly what to relax and how to relax it. Some of the most critical muscles you need to relax are the muscles in your pelvic floor. But how can you relax these tiny muscles if you can’t even feel if your back or buttocks are relaxed?

Start practicing feeling your big muscles first. It takes patience and practice. But if you start relaxing your back or your thighs or you abdomen you’ll be on the right path.

Your mental approach is even more important at this stage though.

I can give you a lot of practical exercises you can do, and I will, but if you don’t believe in your ability to last longer they’ll hardly work for you.

This is why I feel disgusted when I read people who are supposed to be experts, saying that it’s impossible learn how to last longer in bed or that premature ejaculation is incurable. Of course, if you believe so and go to the bedroom with this mindset you won’t go very far.

I can tell you to relax the muscles at the base of your penis, or to learn how to stimulate your shaft more than your glans (penis head) but that’s not gonna work if you don’t believe and envision yourself being able to last longer first of all.

See, imagine yourself having sex with confidence and ease and learn to recognize the moment when you start getting aroused.

Do you start getting aroused when the porn movie is playing or when you think: “I’m gonna watch that porn now”?

Whenever that moment is, start recognizing it.

#thatisall

Fabio Black writes about sex, sex and sex. But not necessarily in that order. Read more about him here.