#BrutalHonesty: A step in trust and a story about dealing with your sexuality

A note from Jenny Jen Jen: 

This website has been such a blessed journey for me. I've had my eyes ripped open WIDE with these (sometimes extreme) life experiences, and adventures. It was my hope though to be able to provide similar opportunities/experiences for others who were brave enough to really get down and dirty allowing them to experience personal growth on THEIR own terms. Eric has done just that. When he first started writing he sought coaching and wanted me to guide him on his journey. Having been down the path of "pushing" people before, I knew it didn't exactly work. My job as editor of this website is to be as honest as possible with my own experiences but not mandate that others do the same. Being transparent, for me, has been the smartest and most freeing thing I have EVER done. Now getting the joy of seeing someone else start down that path of brutal honesty makes me cry. (It is NOT an easy thing being this honest not only with yourself, but with your friends, family, and the rest of the world.) This is exactly what I have been seeking and exactly what I wanted from this community. I am proud to present you all with this post today, and even more proud to call Eric a friend. K. I go now.

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @Redolpho

First a quick update, since I wrote my first TNTML piece at the beginning of the year on my dealings with suicide things have been very different. I can't put into words my gratitude for all the people that have reached to me with their very kind words. It has given me a deep strength to pursue the Tandem10 and my pursuit is in full swing. The support that I have gotten has also given me strength to dive deep into myself and find a comfort in the person that I am. This piece is an extension of that. I have been procrastinating the posting of this piece because it scares the shit out of me. I decided at the onset of this exploration that I would pursue that things that scared me head on so here I am. Discussing my sexuality is something that pulls at the most vulnerable areas of myself and as I follow my nose I feel that this is the next step in finding a deep love for myself in all the ways that make me who I am. I said in my last piece that I would trust the world once more and tell you something that I rarely talked about so here we go... 

I remember being in high school and walking over to my best friends house. When he didn't answer I walked around back and entered his house through the back door. That's when I saw him dressed in his sisters clothes. My jaw dropped and he proceeded to walk me back to his room to show me the neatly folded assortment of womens clothes he kept in his closet. My friend was a man's man. If you asked me who in my high school was gay he would have been the last person that I named but there he was. I still remember exactly what he was wearing, the image is burned into my brain. 

Immediately afterward I went into denial and just pretended as if nothing had happened. We remained friends but never really spoke about it again. It's not that I cared so much, but that I had no understanding of whatever it was he was going through. I grew up in a really conservative city (Fresno) where the f word (not fuck) was used commonly and acceptance of things other than heterosexuality was uncommon. I didn't know what to do. After high school I went off to college but continued playing in my high school band. I'd return back to Fresno regularly for shows and every time I came back there was a new rumor about my friend. Our relationship had become distant and I heard from him less and less often. He showed up at a near sold out show in Fresno looking skinnier than I had ever seen him. I knew something was wrong but I wasn't sure what it was.

A couple years later during a time when I lived in Fresno again he came over for a surprise birthday party my girlfriend threw for me. He stayed after everyone else had left and that's when I found exactly what was going on. His whole life felt as if he was born into the wrong body. Because neither the city that he lived in, nor his family or friends were supportive of this, he dived into a downward spiral of drug use. Also since he had no support system he participated in very risky sex acts that led to a brutal gang rape. He had no one to talk to, no one to tell him that it was all ok, and that he wasn't alone. No one was there to tell him that he was loved for exactly who he was.

I waited for the day that I'd get a phone call of someone telling me that he had killed himself, someone had killed him, or he'd overdosed. Luckily that day never came and he is now a she. She has overcome drug addiction and found someone that loves her. She's engaged and the smile that I see on her face is something that I had almost forgot existed, it's real and deep.

The reason that I am writing about my sexuality is because of this story. I'm not gay or transgender but I know what it's like to feel out of place and alone in your sexuality. It has brought me a lot of happiness to see how far we have come in our acceptance of human sexuality but we still have much further to go. This is my small step to help in this movement...

I arrived to meet a three friends for drinks and some dinner. After a couple drinks we headed to a dance club and I was given something to enhance the fun of the night. I am not one to partake in extracurricular fun often but sometimes I am just in the mood to get crazy and this was one of those nights. After a half an hour when the vibrations of the music were hitting us a little deeper and we were dancing the night away I saw the two girls making out with each other. I had a feeling tonight was about to get wild but I had no idea. The other guy and myself looked at each other with smiles on our faces and let the two girls enjoy each other. The night progressed and things continued to get hot and heavy. I made out with one girl and he made out with the other, and then we switched, and then the girls made out with each other. As the bar was nearing closing time the other guy said that was going to get a hotel room so we could continue the party and we were all ok with that. We made a last minute run to the liquor store and headed to the hotel.

We put on some music and continued dancing around a little but when we started making out with each other there was nothing to hold us back from escalating the situation. Things begun to get hot and heavy quickly and clothing started to fall to the floor. We moved to the bed and body parts were everywhere. That's when things took an unexpected turn. I looked down and the person that was going down on me was not one of the girls. I was somewhat in shock but didn't stop him. It turned me on and I continued to enjoy the encounter that was happening. The night continued to progress, things continued to escalate and when I awoke the next morning I had confirmed something I had always known. I wasn't totally straight.

My whole life I knew that wasn't totally straight but to say I was confused was an understatement. I never walked around looking at guys thinking, "Wow, he's hot," and I never had any crushes on anyone other than girls. But still, what I fantasized about wasn't just women. I spent most of my life in denial and when I did fantasize about same sex encounters I would be disgusted with myself. Thoughts of whether or not I was gay always circulated in my head and I thought if I ever experienced a same sex encounter that I would some how become instantly gay. This was not the case. After my spicy night I felt exactly the same as I did before but at least I knew. I knew I wasn't gay, I knew I wasn't bisexual (I don't have a desire to be in a relationship with a man), but I knew that I fell somewhere in between.

I have a theory about human sexuality and it's that human sexual behavior follows something like a bell curve. Homosexuals fall on one end and heterosexuals on the other with a whole lot of in between. As popular culture has come to widely accept female sexual expression and females are more outspoken about same sex encounters I have seen how many women have indulged themselves in one way or another. Because males exude such a greater amount of sexual deviance I can only assume that the amount of guys secretly harboring same sex fantasies is significant. 

Historically male-to-male sexual contact has been a reoccurring theme. But today, the risks of being out spoken are great. Many people are still under the assumption that men are either gay or straight with nothing in between. I used to think this but I have personally found it to be untrue. For males, the stigma that accompanies heterosexual deviance is emasculating. There is also the big fear of a loss of love from friends and family. I am experiencing all of these but I'm writing this piece because, for lack of a better word, I think it's bullshit. Humans are extremely sexual creatures and one of the few that have sex for pleasure. We are also the most intellectually advanced creatures on the planet so I think that it follows that our sexual variance would be wide.

I have personally seen what can happen when someone is unable to express themselves sexually. It leads to risky behavior that can be seriously detrimental and can result in everything from STD's to rape to heartbreak to drug addiction. After my sexual encounter I went back again, this time I was sober and it was still just as fun. I don't see a reason to keep it a secret anymore. Every time that I've met someone who I trusted enough to tell them it makes me feel good. I don't know whether it's pride, or a greater sense of self-confidence, or comfort but this is also my next step in trusting the world. This has been a very hard piece to write and the thought of posting it scares me greatly. I hope the world accepts me for who I am and treats me the same way that they have treated me before. If there are other guys out there who are struggling with their sexuality you are not alone so feel free to contact me, my email is below.

Thanks for reading. 

#thatisall

If you’d like to share your stories please feel free to tweet me at @redolpho or email me at eric dot rudolph dot carrillo at gmail dot com

#NerdsUnite: My name is Alicia and I'm doing 50 dates in 50 states (Iowa)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Alicia. She's about to embark on a 50 dates in 50 states dating documentary. She's here today to talk about her views on life, love, and all things through her nerdy little eyes. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT ALICIA!! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Alicia Ostarello

Over a Scrabble board, EJ and I learned a few things from one another. He discovered that playing the world’s most beloved word game on a first date does not lead to inevitable awkwardness, as it had in his past. In turn, he told me about his concept of the “zero-th” date.

Scratch what you think a first date is — two people getting together for the first time, exchanging pleasantries while simultaneously attempting to suss out if each other is worth time out of their busy days, if they might be capable of spending the night together and laughing at the foibles prone to happen under the covers, if they have enough common ground to understand one another while not being sociopaths, co-dependent, addicted to painkillers, felons, or harboring batty wives in their attics (though who could blame Mr. Rochester, really?). What if, instead, the first date came about when you already knew you liked this person enough to spend more than an hour or two with them?

Enter the zero-th date.

The zero-th date is two people taking a break from their usual trajectory to orbit around one another. There is an hour or two at most of anticipatory conversation to see if they pass by without a second glance, collide and conquer, or find a balance and wobble back and forth based on their gravitational pull. It’s a date without expectation — and “date” is a term I use loosely here. It’s a meeting. Almost an appointment.

In the modeling world, they would call this appointment a go-see. You go and see if this person you met online or in a bar actually interests you live and in person. And then you leave. If one of you calls the other (fine, or texts …  but you really should call if you like the person) then on you go to a first date.

What I love about the zero-th date concept is it gives structure to expectations for all following encounters. Upon that initial meeting, you know you’re only going to see if you even get along with the person. Zero-th date, zero pressure. Then if a first date comes about, you know it’s supposed to be a romantic gesture.

Zero-th date folks. It’s gonna be huge.

EJ himself was intimidatingly intelligent. It’s funny to hang out with a person who does not know you at all. Like, at all. Dates are continually surprised by my expressions. Nary a date goes by that I don’t exclaim “Oh, Mylanta!” as they tell a surprising story — and this ultimately turns into them being shocked at my peculiar phraseology.

Of course, more than my lexicon has garnered questioning. There’s my over-apologetic nature (a friend once made me a mix CD entitled “I’m Sorry for Being Sorry,” which was a direct quote). My slight inability to do simple addition or subtraction without pictorially imagining the numerals in my head — or better yet, drawing them out in thin air with my index finger. And as EJ noticed, a complete lack of desire to win at Scrabble.*

Day after day, I engage in conversation — and even mores, first dates — with absolute strangers. And while I can’t tell you what parts of their personalities I hone in on that they and their friends rarely think about, it’s bizarre always to be explaining myself to people. Bizarre, but also rather introspective. It’s got me understanding what it is like to meet me, what makes an impression on people, and what impression it is that I want to leave on a person I may never see again. And even beyond that, I question my own personality. Do I like being this way? Do I want to stop? Should I? Why or why not?

Despite not wanting to make this project about changing my life, it looks like that may be happening whether I wanted it to or not. Such is the nature of adventures.

*This isn’t entirely true. What actually occurred was I realized I was winning by an increasing margin, and began feeling bad about it. EJ, having figured out I didn’t love winning and did love apologizing, asked how I felt about this. I said I wanted to feel good, but mostly I knew that even if I won, the fleeting feeling would be overshadowed by knowing that in my winning, someone else had lost.

#nerdsunite

Alicia Ostarello has combined her talents in talking to strangers with degrees in English and Sociology and is currently taking a road trip across the country with one goal in mind: to go on a first date in every single state. Follow her trip and the documentary film being produced about it, 50/50: A Dating Documentary on Facebook at facebook.com/5050ADatingDocumentary.

#NerdsUnite: The Exploration Tactic to Spice Up your Sex Life

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Fabio. Yes. Real name. We're friends in the digispace and he owns and blogs at the fantastically awesome site LetsTalkSex.net. He's here today to share one of his latest and greatest tips on sex, and I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT FABIO!! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Fabio Black

All right, so how did you go with the Diversion Tactic to Spice up Your Sex Life? How is your house looking? Is it a mess? Are the walls splattered white? :)

Did you take the diversion idea to the extreme and now you're reading this post from your computer in the oven? Good! You got it!

Now if you still have the Jack Sparrow hat I suggested you buy, hold on tight to it because today we are exploring new territories - soft, silky, round and sexy ones... Be prepared and bring your wellies in case it gets wet. Actually, you should hope it does ;)

Right, so what happens to the couple that follows the same routine over and over again? They become a bored couple. And sometimes even a cheating couple. Bring something new to the table, and I'm not suggesting you dye your teabags blonde, no no.

Spice up your sex life by surprising her - how?

Here's a little geography lesson:

I'm taking for granted that you've grasped the areas of the two pointed mountains and the dark cave between the two pinky lips. Now that you have the basics, it's time for you to move on and explore some other lands. All you need is curiosity, patience and calm (and a cheeky face ;)). No, you don't need your whip for now, pop that back in your belt.

Ready to start? Let's go! Look around her head, and you'll discover a piece of body called a neck... Kiss it gently, touch it, grab it (this is actually pretty relaxing and primitive), then roll her onto her back. Hey stop there!

Don't jump to the <del>ass</del> round silky hills too quickly! Lick her spine, bone by bone, kiss her underarms and so on. 

These unexplored areas will give her incredible sensations and pleasure, and will actually set you apart from the 90% of the guys who go straight to the golf hole.

Here's a secret: little powerful treasures are hidden in her joints.

Kiss and suck gently inside her elbows.

Touch slowly between her fingers.

And try behind her knees... (Do it gently though or she'll jump off the bed) 

Caress around her nipples.

Kiss her eyelids very softly.

Massage her nails with a toothbrush and then bite them! (I'm joking, don't do that... Even though it would probably be pretty funny).

Be a tourist! Instead of going straight to the main attractions, have a wonder around and if you get lost just ask for directions.

Also, if you're a traditionalist and don't want to touch new areas, or if a witch told you that you must follow the same usual foreplay routine for the next 13 years and 56 weeks straight or you'll die, that's alright, go for it <del>butt</del> but...

Touch the same areas in a different way:

Use ice cubes, feathers, credit cards or even simply the back of your hand. How many men do that? Pffffheeww 9% maybe?

Wanna be in this 9%? Follow the tips above. Wanna be in the 2% that does that and more effective exciting stuff as well?

You're wild, aren't you!

#thatisall

Fabio Black writes about sex, sex and sex. But not necessarily in that order. Read more about him here.

#Adventures in Randomness and Rock & Roll w @leah_cevoli

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Leah. She's pretty rad and has an INCREDIBLY random life. Like, no - for reals ... did you know she has an obsession with vampires, psychics, and tarot card readers ... and she had more sex as a teenager than in her 30s ... anddddd she even had two ex boyfriends die violently - one from a heroin overdose, and the other was murdered. Holy moly roli poli oli - that shit be cray cray. Either way, she's now here to write about her life, love, and all things nerd. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT LEAH!! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @Leah_Cevoli

Last week I put a facebook status up that read:

“Gentlemen, there's a way to have "sleepovers" with a friend and keep things cool and respectful, and then there's a way to be a complete douche. #IfTheShoeFitsWearIt Namaste.”  

Now, most of my friends just clicked like, or said Amen or something to that sort.  Those that really know me know that I’ll never dish details on Facebook, but I will certainly say enough so that the parties involved know what I’m talking about.  In this particular case, there’s a guy I’ve been “seeing” for lack of a better word since about July.  By seeing, I mean we’ve had about ½ a dozen sleepovers in the summertime before I started travelling.  It was always a very nice sleepover usually involving him cooking dinner and breakfast as well, but we’ve never done much hanging out in public, and when we do it’s casual, with mutual friends, who may or may not know about our sleepovers. I’ve been out of town for about 7 months, and haven’t heard much from him until Christmas. He reached out to me and we had a really nice text conversation on Xmas evening. 

A few weeks ago, I was in LA for 4 days, and we both made it a priority to see each other. He picked me up in the part of town that I was staying in and we had dinner and caught up.  During dinner, he told me that even though he hasn’t been in touch, or rarely ever comments online or even clicks like, that he has in fact been following much of my journey, and gave examples to show that it was true.  It was nice to know that he’d been paying attention, but there’s just something about a simple “like” that shows ya, “Hey, I’m here,” you know what I mean?   Anyways after dinner, I was set to be dropped off, and he suggested it’d be nice for me to grab my car and come back down to his neck of the woods, and he’d make breakfast in the morning. So I did.

It’s been about 3 weeks, and I haven’t heard a word from him, as is usual. But last week, I noticed that he was in NEW YORK!  You know NEW YORK, a city I’m in A LOT these days, a city that’s a $10 bus ride for me from Philly… not only did he not mention a single word about this visit to NY from LA, but there were multiple posts tagged, blogs, videos, and photos of himself with a girl. Now, you see, it’s not the photos with the girl that bothered me, because we are not an official couple, what bothered me is that well A) he didn’t even mention the trip when I was at his house the week before, and B) I began to notice that he never ever accepts any tags that I put up with photos of us, and he’s never ever shared my blogs or videos, even the ones that have included him in them! And here's a girl in NY that seems to do a lot of the same things that I do as far as blogging and vlogging, and he's pimping her shit like crazy!

I don’t need to be the only women in your life, but show me the same respect and friendship that you show others.  And it’s not that, he doesn’t have TONS of female friends, and travels to conventions and takes pix with TONS of beautiful girls, cause he does. So exactly what would one or two photos with me, popping up once in awhile show?  Nothing really, it would just look like another female friend… so why does it seem like I’m the only one that gets shut out?  A simple. “He’s just not that into you.” Right, but more so. He’s being a total douche and inconsiderate of someone that was a friend and could still be a friend with or without the sleepovers, and is now pretty pissed off about it all.  

Now, a very interesting thing happened when I put up that status. “Gentlemen, there's a way to have "sleepovers" with a friend and keep things cool and respectful, and then there's a way to be a complete douche. #IfTheShoeFitsWearIt Namaste.”   A few dudes chimed in seeming to assume that I had slept with someone the night before, sort of a one-night stand and was now being ignored or something.  One dude even went so far as to talk about slut-shaming, and how it’s a shame that if a girl wants to “lead that life-style” guys will talk about her behind her back but a guy gets congratulated for it. I explained to this guy that although I may have hung out with that type of guy as a teenager (him included), I don’t have that sort of man in my life anymore, and would never consider spending any time with a man that uses the word slut freely to describe a woman who has mature, consenting, adult sex.  He went on to basically say, well that’s nice that you can live that “lifestyle”, but it probably happens behind your back and you don’t know it. 

Woah. Woah. Woah!

I then explained to him that I’m not sure what “lifestyle” he’s talking about, but that I can count the number of sexual partners I've had in the last decade or so on ONE hand… but still, I’m an independent woman who can choose to be intimate with who and when I want.

And guess what he said to that?  “Oh wow, sounds like you need some good man time!”

WHAT?!

Five seconds before he was basically telling me that I was a slut, and upon hearing the truth of my frequency of sexual encounters, he then basically told me I needed to get some.

Dear Universe- I would like to meet my other half. Someone equivalent and complimentary to me for adventures, fun times, stimulating conversations, creative endeavors, and lots and lots of good sex.

Thank you.

Live Love. Love Life.

#xoxo

click here to follow Leah on twitter!

#HowTo: Find out the identity of a fake internet boyfriend/ girlfriend

Every.single.day.now. I wake up to an email, comment, or tweet about someone telling me their version of a "catfish" story. (read mine here) 

Having a fake internet boyfriend/ girlfriend is an extremely, extremely shameful experience. We all think we are too smart to have something like that happen to us, but you have to remember, these people are EXPERTS at pulling at the heartstrings.

Particularly, when they attack you for questioning them when they can't meet you for "whatever dramatic reason." 

My guy (who was actually a girl) told me I was heartless for not feeling empathy when his dad died. 

Here's an exerpt from his blog on Myspace that he posted when I wrote out our story on this site: 

I have not had any contact with you for a year, even though you presumably constantly stalked me here. I've looked the other way when you talked shit about me to one person, because frankly I don't care to get back in contact with you. Especially after you told me to "Get Over It" when I wouldn't give you my full attention due to my dad being in the hospital at the time. To which you then denied ever saying and conveniently responded you "blacked it out" when I confronted you about it.

It sucks. 

Nothing about this life experience is pleasurable or something anyone should ever strive to have. The problem is knowing where to go and what to do after you've experienced something like this. What are your options? 

Well, first take as much info as you have on the person and head to the google!!! 

In my case, I had his myspace handle No1Uknow00. 

If you put that into a quick google search this is what pops up ... 

The top hit is a photobucket account. 

From there, I clicked on the photos and as you scroll down you can see one of the photos has the title "me." 

I then went through the album and saw the other photos of this person and one of the titles had this ... 

The name Sarah. 

That was all I needed to know that no1uknow00 (which is not a common handle) was connected to this person who is not a guy named Dare, but rather a woman by the name of Sarah. 

My story happened years ago, and by the time I had written about it (after being contacted by another victim on Facebook) I was absolutely and utterly over this person. 

I knew Dare at that point was a phony and while I hadn't connected the dots in the search quite yet, I had let all of it go and moved on with my life. 

I've never spoken to Sarah, nor do I know her last name. (In writing this post though I did conduct a reverse google image search to see if anything came up, and nothing did.) 

Who knows if it really is "Sarah" or if this is some inception-type Catfishing with a story inside a story. 

All of that karma belongs to "Sarah" and not me. My next doable actions in this scenario were to identify what in me attracted this into my life. 

This was pre my ah-ha moment of emotional unavailability courtesy of the 103 dates in 9 months, btw.

My suggestion to anyone looking to find out more info on their Catfish is to work with what info you have. This is obviously a case by case basis, but let's say you met them in a chat or forum, why not google the handle and see what info comes up on other sites? 

In my case, his fake name also had an address linked to it. In my frustration I drove to AZ once to see him, but felt showing up at someone's apartment was a bit "next level." 

I don't suggest showing up at someone's door since it could put you in harms way (maybe your catfish is a Dexter type), but that's your call. 

At the end of the day though, again, you have to understand that there is no "winning" in this type of scenario. Even if you find them, and track them down the answers aren't really going to solve anything. (Although it does make for good TV on the Catfish TV show.) In most cases this experience isn't even personal. These people talk to 15-20 other people at a time and show very little remorse for their actions. 

The best course of action is to employ a lot of self love, and lick your wounds darling. No answers will ever solve the pain and it can actually impede in your emotional growth and healing process. 

My suggestion, food for thought. Oh look a kitty!!! 

#NerdsUnite

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