<editorsnote>Hi, I'm Jen Friel, and we here at TNTML examine the lives of nerds outside of the basements and into the social media, and dating world. We have over 75 peeps that write about their life in real time. (Real nerds, real time, real deal.) Sit back, relax, and enjoy some of the stories!!</editorsnote>
This is either going to be a COMPLETELY awesome evening, or a COMPLETE mess. There is going to be no in-between.
Watching TV with my boyfriend the plant. I've decided to name him Walter.So, part of my dating detox is cooking dinner for friends. Not a problem, I sent an invite out to a bunch of peeps ... to my surprise though everyone RSVPed. Now my little dinner party is a pretty big dinner party and all of the sudden I am going from being a virginal cooker for 1 to a master chef for 8.
My mother and my grandmother are/were INCREDIBLE cooks. Instead of growing up wanting to follow in their footsteps, I realized early on my value add would be in developing some sort of niche. Rather than spend time in the kitchen trying to process things I didn't have strong value in, I would instead hide out in the home office and spend hours and hours and hours on the computer.
My mom would say over and over, but don't you want to learn how to cook?
No, I would reply back sharply. The only thing I will ever have to learn to make in life is reservations.
I totally wasn't kidding either.
I was such a princess as a kid.
Either way, on the "path to self" I decided it would be cool to get one of my mom's recipes and actually try and make it. Also never having cooked for people before it only made sense to do it for my friends as well.
Now, this is happening. Tonight, I am hosting not only dinner but a girly slumber party and a chick flick marathon (also on the list).
I have to admit there is something truly beautiful about doing a detox. I can't remember a time I felt so healthy. I spend my days working, and evenings either out with friends or at a spin class. I feel like the entire process is really grounding and allowing me to focus on strengths instead of being reminded how horrible I am at dating. It never occurred to me how much it messed with my self esteem.
Dudes, I was walking down Santa Monica blvd yesterday after closing a new sponsorship & having two crazy awesome meetings and I caught myself TOTALLY strutting my stuff. I had this swagger in my step that I get when I'm domming a slave, but just out and about in my normal people shoes? That was a first.
I can't stress how great all of this feels. It's not about the list or the finite amount of time I have given myself to execute - it's the nurturing of self. I've never done this before!!! Sure, it feels weird sitting on a couch at 11:30 at night stone cold sober talking to a plant, but everything that didn't feel weird has lead me to this place of still being single and emotionally unavailable. Before I can be with anyone else I have to reach a place of love and contentment within myself. And not just professionally!! (I got that shiznat on lock) It's gotta be personal. I've released all of the shame I still held onto from childhood and now it's time to rock my awesome and really. freaking. own. it.
Now if you'll excuse me, but I have to go and jump on my bed for 4:07 while listening to Nelly's Hot In Herre.
<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Serena. She was one of my only friends growing up as we were play buddies at the lake in NH and I found out via Facebook while I was en route to a conference that Serena has cancer. She is here today to talk about her side of things and the journey this disease is taking her on. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT SERENA!! </editorsnote>
#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Serena Neff
“I like your haircut.”
I’ve gotten that a few times from acquaintances and guests who don’t know the whole story behind my “haircut.”
What to say? Usually, I just say thanks; but simultaneously, a flood of silly-non-grumpy snarky comments come through my head (because, you know, that’s the way my brain works!).
“Thanks… cancer did it.”
“Can’t wait for it to grow back.”
“I had no choice!”
“Oh, yeah, I went Britney crazy. Shaved it all off. Can I order a smoothie?”
“Thanks! My stylists are Cancer and Chemo.”
There’s always a little one second delay as these responses float through my mind. And then I smile, and go with the simple, “thanks.” Because these are people who don’t know me as a cancer survivor and sometimes that kind of anonymity is nice. They may see my tattoo later and put it all together or hear a wisp of conversation about it but for that moment when they see my hair, they just think I woke up one day and said, “to hell with long hair! Too much maintenance!” And that I willingly chopped it all off.
People that see me intermittently are amazed and excited when they see my hair growing in. I can almost hear the, “phew, she’s not sick anymore” go through their minds. Like, woohoo, close call but we’re in the clear now. These people have wonderful big smiles on their faces.
The people that see me frequently can’t even remember that I once had long hair! The absence and subsequent growth is so every day that it’s just part of life. I’ve had a few folks tell me they saw pictures on Facebook of long hair (just a few months ago, that was!) and they didn’t recognize me! The short spunky no fuss hair matches the don’t mess with me attitude, for now. My hair will continue to grow in–and I will continue to let it, and not cut it–and the personality will continue to fit. And pretty soon (well, more like in a few years since my hair grows so slow) it will look just as before. And cancer will be a distant memory…
I am still on chemo every three weeks until August and then I hope to get my port out. This chemo is a breeze–no side effects and it only takes an hour at the oncologist!
I started the oral medication Tamoxifen that I will likely take every day for five years and I am happy to report that side effects are minimal! The night sweats slash hot flashes and insomnia are no where near as bad as they were with the chemo drug Taxol. THANK GOD!
I’m in smooth sailing territory and as the Doctors report, I’m cured. Cool. I like that sound of that.
I feel like I have lived a lifetime in the last ten months; that diagnosis in March feels like it happened twenty years ago. My, how time flies.
I am back to work full time and feeling good. I’m back to being busy while still getting massages and pedicures, playing with the dog, reading, hiking, snorkeling and playing with friends.
I see hundreds of people a day come out on the boats and through the programs I teach as a whale and environmental naturalist guide. And I have seen and continue to see every kind of personality combination and then some. I look at people a little differently now; I’ve always been empathetic and intuitively perceptive towards peoples’ needs (I even got high scores in the “caring” category during annual reviews at my work!) but now I look at these people and take a moment to remember that there is so much more depth to what that person and each of us experience in life. For the moment I interact with them, it may just be such a small moment. But life it a culmination of all those small moments.
<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Jordan. He was one of the first writers here on TNTML and he's a really rad mofo. I forget how we first started talking - but he lives allllllll the way over in Kansas and wants to talk to you about life from his side of the monitor in the keyword of nerd. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT JORDAN!! </editorsnote>
#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @SaintPepsi
It should come as no shock that a kiss can change your entire perspective of a person. That single moment when you lock lips and emotions flow through you. It can be as equally powerful, as it can be tragic. The not knowing and the first step towards something new or the end of something hoped for. We are all aware of the power of a kiss. It signifies a desire to communicate passion and love without words ever being uttered. It’s the willing embrace of your deepest desires. So what happens when the person you have become so fond of is a bad kisser. Goddamn it all! It ruins everything. Kisses are important. The reality is that no one is a bad kisser. Your likes and dislikes in this area determine how you perceive a kiss to be. Needless to say we all have our personal perceptions of what a good kiss should be. Some people are all for the face hugging alien assault type. That’s just not my thing. Now I was a virgin until I was 26. I know, I can hear the shock in your minds. So to maintain a good physical relationship there were two things I had to be good at. Kissing and other things involving my tongue. I also got really good at touch. So I applied the same sensitivity I did with the art of touch to kissing. Start soft and compassionate. If the mood intensifies so can the kisses. Just don’t go crazy. For me if your mouth overlaps all of mine it’s a little off putting for sure. If you lick my face also slightly odd. Let’s just say, its like that scene in a movie when something jumps out at you that shouldn’t belong and you are immediately taken out of the experience.
So I have never told someone they are a bad kisser. If I felt like they were and believe me I have met a few. I was a full blown make out whore for a while. Like I said, to each their own and I’m sure there are people out there that will find your brand of tongue sucking just right for them. I find the best way to kiss is to follow the lead of the person you are kissing. Start small and work your way into your more affectionate forms of lip locking. Treat it like someone takes you out to eat on their dime. Wait to see what they order so you know an appropriate price range. You don’t want to jump right for the KC Strip if they are only getting a salad. It throws everything off kilter. So as the passion plays out you investigate what turns them on most in this most intimate exchange. As I said start soft with light kisses on the lips. Slow methodically and innocent. If she purses her lips, it will mean things probably won’t go much further on this date. If her mouth slowly starts to open, it’s inviting you to enter the next zone.
Where your bodies close in on each other. You will most likely turn your head slightly as noses are a bitch and get in the way. This is your classic movie kiss. At this point you are golden. Obviously, she likes you and has responded to your invocation with her own invitation. You can then graduate to a mixture of two things. Personally, I like to lightly bite the bottom lip. It’s not so much a bold move, as it is a powerful determiner of her desire. It responds to the way she may bite her own lip when her raw want exceeds her will to contain it. The bottom lip bite is generally a sign she wants you; so if you lightly bite her bottom lip it only intensifies her own passion. This should be done in heavy moderation. You aren’t a fucking vampire and if you draw blood or bruise her you can rest assured she won’t forget that. That is unless she’s into that sort of thing, which in that case you have a world full of hurt and bruises coming your way. She will assume you are a biter as well and you will no doubt end up with teeth marks spread across you like some kinda hybrid cheetah.
So all good things to those that wait I suppose. Return to your kissing as she pushes into you or you into her. Make sure you are braced on something or she is. This will allow you to maintain your composure as well as accept her demands. For me personally, I like to be the one braced, so I can slide down a bit. With my height (I’m 6’6”) it allows me a better ability to meet at her level, instead of forcing her to move up and strain her neck. Next step is a light flick of the tongue to her top lip. This will generally be met with an immediate tongue response if she is so inclined. You have opened the field of play in the French zone and this area is where things get fantastic. Now you are free to explore, you get to wage a feral war of the tongues. Once again don’t get crazy or sloppy. Saliva dripping anywhere means things have gone a little too far. There you have it. After that it’s a game of roaming while fully clothed this mostly consists of kisses to the ears... you would be surprised at just how sensitive ears can be. The neck is always a sweet spot and leaves a lady wanting you to explore more.
So like I said everyone has their own brand of what they like to give and receive. Experiment with a lover and find out just what all you like and don’t like. Be open and honest and most importantly if you are committed, communicate. Communicate all things sexual. Not telling someone something is off, will only leave you dissatisfied if you are already in a relationship. Most importantly especially with guys if you fake it trust me when i say guys will do it again. Guys are generally robotic in their learning curve, while girls are more fluid. To us if something works once it will most likely work again. Not always the case with girls. Variety is the spice of life, some things will always be favorites but that doesn’t mean you have to grow stale in your love life. Other than that have fun and know each other’s boundaries. Luckily, most recently the girl I kissed was wonderful in my view. We shall see just how we play out to each other’s desires and if we mesh well... well things should be more desirable. Just remember not everyone out there will have the same likes and dislikes as you. Know yourself first and through your knowledge others can know you better.
Posts like the one I wrote on Monday ALWAYSSSS take a lot out of me.(Which artistically is a really beautiful thing since I know it means I am pushing myself.) The human condition tells us that vulnerability is never a good idea, especially when emotionally you are so guarded (like myself). It doesn't excite me to admit that this is where I am in life, but being honest with myself is the first step in making a change.
2) No swearing. Having difficulty with this one. BUT so far, I've put $50 in my curse jar. (which will be donated to a local charity at the end of the detox.)
3) I must get up every morning and put on makeup. This feels GREAT btw!!! There is something awesome about looking "good" by my own personal definition even if I don't see anyone on that given day.
4) Get contacts. Haven't done this yet.
5) Get my car back. No more city bus. Haven't done this yet.
6) No slaves. Haven't seen or talked to my slaves since this began. I've channeled all of the energy I would use in domination though on myself. Super powerful stuff.
7) No drinking. I drank at a networking event last week, but other than that I have to admit it feels GREAT physically not drinking on such a regular basis. I never realized how many extra calories I was consuming and I've acquired a liking to unsweeted ice tea.
8) Healthy eating. I am KILLING this one. I have been eating SO FREAKING HEALTHY!!! Salads, powerbars, I'm also taking a multi-vitamin every day AND paid OUT OF POCKET for a Dr.'s visit. That cost almost $600!!! Was totally worth it though knowing I am clean as a whistle!
9) Visit the gym everyday. Again, KILLING this one too. I've actually been going to the gym since the beginning of the year but it's finally starting to show since I stopped all the junk food.
PS. A super tough looking guy in my spin class today had a tiny seahorse tattooed on his back. Looks like someone lost a bet!!
10) I must keep my room clean. My bedroom is spotless and I get up in the morning and make my bed every day.
Must do 15 girly things ...
a) maintain manicure - DONE!
b) maintain eyebrows
c) bikini wax
d) go shoe shopping for myself and pay for my own shoes- DONE!
e) girly slumber party (scheduled for this Friday)
f) buy myself a new outfit for the purpose of impressing myself - DONE! (see below)
g) buy a piece of art that inspires me
h) take a pottery class
i) cook dinner for friends (scheduled for this Friday)
j) visit the lacma (scheduled for Saturday. Thanks to Casandra for the heads up on free admission!)
k) host a chick flick marathon (scheduled for Friday)
l) go shopping with girlfriends and try on super girly clothing. The frillier the better.
m) take a bubble bath
n) visit a spa and pay for visit myself
o) purchase perfume
p) get a new tattoo - DONE!!!
q) meet someone that inspires me
r) make a new girlfriend
8 things will be done by the end of the week which puts me directly in line for finishing before my self imposed 30 day deadline.
Yesterday was awesome. I not only got the "outfit for the sole purpose of impressing myself" ...
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BUT I picked up my boyfriend for the next, however long ...
It came to me in meditation that I needed to grow from love. My shaman would tell me that all the time during our sessions, but I always assumed it would just "happen" from someone else. It didn't click that it had to start with me first.
This plant is also very symbolic. One, because the vase it is in looks like my tattoo of the enso(which I got when I marked the first chapter of this journey) but I love that this next chapter (which this plant and the feather concept represent) is literally growing from it. I had to experience chapter one before I understood the value of chapter two.
ALSO, this is a lucky bamboo plant. It symbolizes good fortune and prosperity, and new business ventures.
Could this BE any more awesome???
So, now, I am going to stare and talk to this loverly plant every day and send loving energy to it. Sure, it sounds kinda loco, but think of the water study Masaru Emoto conducted. He proved that molecular structure can actually change via loving energy. Humans are mostly made up of water so if I can love this plant, I can also learn to love myself which will HOPEFULLY make me less emotionally unavailable.
That is my hypothesis at least. I needed a tangible representation of love.
I figure I have nothing to lose at this point. Clearly everything that I am doing isn't working, so what else do I have to lose in this scenario? Worst case is that I kill the thing and have to start over. We shall see.
It occurred to me the other day that I had a super difficult 2012. Don't get me wrong, I will ALWAYS choose to see the bright side of things, and count my blessings and abundance - but I can't remember a time when so many doors and chapters just SLLAMMMEEEDD shut.
I also got slut shamed by a Gawker owned blog, and had it syndicated across countless automotive industry sites. That was my first go-round btw with this sudden rush of press. I stood my ground, and was grateful for the press but talk about a moment where you REALLY have to stand up for yourself.
I was faced with the sudden reality that a lot of things were changing in my life, and I couldn't hold on to them, I had to just go along with everything.
I think this is called "adulthood."
I had lunch with my shaman today (corporate sponsored too! Thanks Kitchen 24!) and updated him on all my progress.
I'm on a dating detox, I admitted.
You mean you're finally doing what I told you to do a year ago? He said cheeky.
I'm very willful and stubborn, I admitted.
It's AMAZING though how much more time I have available for friends and work in general. I've never been so busy and had SO many things click both personally and professionally. I'm super selfish right now and it's working in my favor. I haven't felt this good since I started the site.
I never realized how much dating actually hurt me. Date after date I would always go in SO POSITIVE and one by one I was left disappointed. I've met an enormous amount of amazing people, don't get me wrong, but nothing worked out for one reason or another. The problem was never with them, it was me.
You had to stop seeking and wanting, he said.
I KNOW!! I said super excited. I was looking for someone to fill this void, when I actually had to learn to fill it myself. I need to literally grow from love. (I also told him about my plant.)
I'm not worried about you, he said. You're already doing great, but a guy will only come along when you are ready. He will be this extra bit of dessert in your life. Never the main course.
I started laughing.
You're so right, I said.
This all feels so good, I said quietly. I'm finally taking care of just me and focusing on my strengths. I have moments though where I catch myself wanting to cry or get upset about something. It's all still a work in progress and I have to remember that.
He smiled.
The modern day shaman @realityadjacent on twitterI wanted to tell you how much you've changed my life. I could never be at this place if it weren't for you.
Happy to help, he said nonchalantly.
Consciousness fascinates me. We start off as wee ones, then go through "domestication" courtesy of our parents. That is then perpetuated in our early 20s when we work all of the crappy jobs to make ends meet and justify degrees that our parents paid a lot of money for. Then, at some point, we realize (hopefully) it's all crap. The only thing we ever have to be in life is who we truly are and the only journey worth taking is the one inside of ourselves. It's SO backwards from the way we are taught growing up.
I think of consciousness like an apartment. (Again, I work well with tangibles.) When you start out you're in a studio. Then one day, through self work you realize oh wow! this is actually a 1 bedroom!!!! Then you stay there for a bit and again through more self work and meditation you see another door leading to a 2 bedroom and so on and so on.
We are the only ones in life that will ever define what size apartment we live in.
Trippy stuff, man.
And that's where I am today.
My tattoo is still healing. I HATE this stage since it's so itchy and weird feeling, but like everything else, that too shall pass.
As cheesy as it sounds I'm just SO GRATEFUL for this present moment and all of these incredible opportunities that keep coming my way. Coming from a place of love versus logic is so reverse for me, but for the first time in a very long time, I am happy that I know nothing.
<editorsnote> Nerds, you may already know my buddy John as "Confessions of a Video Game Journalist" but what you DON'T know el senor John is that not only does he also help out as TNTML's intern, he is hands down one of the wisest people I have ever met. For reals, you need to grab a beer with this guy at some point in your life. The things that come out of his mouth ... wowzah! I decided he needs a special column devoted to his wisdom - and now here it is. The gospel according to John. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT JOHN !!</editorsnote>
Question: Do you believe in monogamy?
Absolutely. I really really do. This partially has to do with my folks being together for so freaking long and seeing other people together for so long. Granted, I’ve seen relationships fall apart in and outside of my family so I know that not everything works out that way and I acknowledge that. However, I think monogamy exists just as naturally as polyamorous relationships and “open” relationships.
It’s funny, my girlfriend and I were talking about this a while back because we both know a lot of couples or individuals that are polyamorous or in open relationships. What are these things, for those of you who are not familiar? These relationships allow the two engaged in it to have multiple partners, lover, significant others, but still continue to be with a specific person.
Now, what is the benefit of these specific types of relationships? I have no idea, and to be honest I’ve not seen more than one actually work well without someone in the relationship feeling misled, mistreated and betrayed. The same can happen in a monogamous relationship, don’t get me wrong, but why would you need multiple partners, lovers and etc.?
Okay, let’s look at why people say they don’t believe in monogamy.
“I don’t think we’re supposed to be with just one person.”
“I would get tired of the same person for that long.”
“It doesn’t feel natural.”
“I’m just attracted to so many people, being with one person makes me feel like I’ll cheat because I’m attracted to so many people.”
The reasons go on and on and on and I’ve heard them all. Here are my responses to the ones above however,
“If you don’t feel that way, that’s totally fine and if you can find someone else that feels that way then I think you’re going to have a happy relationship or multiple relationships. However, I think the problem will arise with the other relationships and making sure those people are comfortable with you being with multiple people. No one, I mean NO ONE, wants to be Number Two. If you can find people who are comfortable with that, then you’re gold!”
“You would get tired of the same person for that long? If you think you’re going to get tired of a person, maybe you shouldn’t enter in a relationship with them. If you still want to boink them, that’s a different story, but try explaining to them that you just want to sleep with them and not date them and see how that works. If they’re cool with it, then have fun, but I can guarantee that a majority of people will feel used and or insulted that you just want to sleep with them and not be romantically involved. It’s kind of a backhanded compliment in my opinion. Also, it’s entirely possible to be with someone and then realize you don’t want to be with them after a period of time. I completely understand that and that’s what happens in most relationships. However, if there is doubt at the very beginning, don’t jump into that pool.”
“It doesn’t feel ‘natural?’ What’s natural? Do you know that animals practice monogamy? Oh yeah, totally. Barn owls, gibbon apes, penguins, coyotes, beavers and bald eagles are all monogamous. There are many more I just didn’t want to list them all. Saying you don’t think monogamy is natural is like saying you think that homosexuality is unnatural. But, if you’re using the animal kingdom as justification for your reason for monogamy not being natural, let’s look at some major examples that people use to justify.
Lions are like Mormons in the fact that the women are monogamous and the man is not. The main male lion in the pride has multiple wives who go and feed him and take care of the children. Why does this happen? The male lion is the one that protects the pride should they come under attack. Unless you’re saying that all of your girlfriends are giving you sex, love and companionship in exchange for protection, you’re relationship is not like a lion’s.
Bonobos. Okay, these little guys are really close to us in the genetic chain. I get why people use them as examples. However, look at the reason they engage in mass intercourse and multiple-partner relationships. They have sex to say hello, they have sex to settle arguments and they have sex just to have sex. That’s fine. I challenge you to find a community of individuals that is totally okay with having sex and then forgetting how they felt or why they were mad at you. If you can, then my friend you’ve found the Promised Land and I’m sure a huge group will follow you there.
Many bird species. Okay, birds sleep with multiple partners because they’re programmed to find the mate that has the most desirable traits that will produce the best offspring. So, if you’re sleeping with a multitude of people because you’re trying to impregnate the women who have the best traits or you’re trying to get pregnant from the most desirable male with the best traits, then you’re like most animals and birds. If you’re not doing that, then you can’t use birds. I’m sorry.”
"Are you seriously that horny and or attracted to so many people that you can’t be happy with one person? Do you get sad with just one person? Is it that you get tired of a person sexually or disinterested in them as a person? I cannot honestly understand this reasoning to be involved in multiple people, but that’s just me. This goes along with the whole fear of having sex with the same person for the remainder of the relationship or the rest of your marriage thing. Is that so bad? Maybe you should date people who have the same sexual tastes as you, or someone who can actively try and satisfy your needs as you try and do the same thing. If that’s not something you’re willing to do, then I don’t know what to say and you really may just need to have sex with a lot of people. If that makes you happy and you don’t hurt people, then my friend go in peace and be happy.”
My main thing with these justifications is that there is one rule I have when it comes to these relationships that are polyamorous or open. Please, for the love of everything, do not dismiss the feelings of others. That’s how you become that asshole dude who sleeps around and cheats or the crazy girl who breaks guys’ hearts. We are humans, not animals. We have complex and often hard to express emotions. That is what separates us from them. We can communicate in other ways than having sex or mating displays. We talk. We have a complex language that allows us to become closer in more ways than just physical. Please, realize that.
If you’re going to engage in an open relationship or a polyamorous one, communicate with each person that this is the kind of thing you’re into. If someone is not down for that, then do not force the issue. If they are cool with it, then great! Enjoy each other! If, at some time, they start to have doubts, then don’t be mad. Not everyone may be comfortable with this lifestyle, or as I said before, not everyone likes being Number 2 for long. Or Number 6 for that matter.
Now, what do I think about monogamous relationships? I think the key to these is being honest. About everything. This requires communication. Now, I’m not talking about honesty in just thought and word, I’m talking in action too.
For example: Do not deny the fact that each of you will be attracted to multiple people as you see them. It’s just a fact of life. So my suggestion is the Museum Rule that my girlfriend and I have implemented. You can look at the art, you can admire the art, you can appreciate the art…but you can’t touch it and you can’t bring it home with you. So, she can look at guys, flirt with them every now and them, I can look at girls and admire their looks and flirt occasionally, but we never hide the fact that we have a boyfriend or girlfriend and we always come back to each other.
Monogamy requires self-control. Willpower. The ability to say, “No” and appreciate what you have. If you can openly communicate, be honest and if you implement the Museum Rule, then I think your monogamous relationship really can work and be very healthy. I really do. That’s my opinion at least.
Friday, January 25, 2013 at 12:09PM
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Watching TV with my boyfriend the plant. I've decided to name him Walter.So, part of my dating detox is cooking dinner for friends. Not a problem, I sent an invite out to a bunch of peeps ... to my surprise though everyone RSVPed. Now my little dinner party is a pretty big dinner party and all of the sudden I am going from being a virginal cooker for 1 to a master chef for 8. 
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