#NerdsUnite: Confessions of an over-dreamer (Career v. The One and How Come I Can’t Eat My Cake Too?)
Friday, November 4, 2011 at 10:00AM
<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Megan. (Yes, another one!) I met her at the #20SB summit in Chicago, and she's a really really really rad chica. She's here today to tell you about a little problem that she has. Megan is what we would call an over-dreamer. Not an overachiever because an overachiever actually achieves something ... Megan dreams, and that's it. And here is her story ... HIT IT MEGAN!! </editorsnote>
#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Megan Hannay
Most of us “Gen-Y” women were raised and educated by women who, in their time, fought for gender equality in the workplace, in schools and in homes. These women chipped away at the long-standing “glass ceiling,” making it so that our generation had more career options than homemaker, nurse, secretary or teacher. And for their achievements, I am more than thankful. I wouldn’t be where I am today if it weren’t for the bravery and efforts of these women.
However (yes! There’s a however!), I also think that being raised with this career-oriented, you-don’t-need-a-man-to-take-care-of-you (in fact: you-don’t-need-a-man-at-all!) cavalier attitude ultimately contributed to this weird state of dating-things between guys and girls today. And I’m not quite sure what to do about it.
If you’re anything like me – a bit of an overachiever girl in your early – mid twenties, then the thought of marriage just seems like something you’re not supposed to do yet. It’s like shopping at Ann Taylor (not “Loft”).
I’ll get there one day, probably, but today I think I’ll head for skinny jeans and that dress with the ruffles thankyouverymuch. There’s this unspoken (or maybe it’s even kinda spoken?) rule that’s like “Career first, then find the person to spend the rest of your life with.” And it’s not that there aren’t benefits to that way of thinking. Relationships can be so so so distracting.
But.
We.
Still.
Want.
Relationships.
I mean, seriously. Sometimes I WISH I could be that girl that’s like – you know what, I don’t need a guy in my life at all until after I’m making $X per year and after I’ve written that novel and after I’ve spent ten Sex and the City-esque years with some amazing girlfriends.
But I’m not that. I might as well wish I could read minds or fly (which um… I soooo wish). Like millions of my peers, I desperately crave the companionship of an “other.” We’ve left our families, we’ve done the college thing, we’re out on our own and it’s effing lonely – I don’t care how many girlfriends you have. Friends are amazing, but they’re not substitutes for a partner (just like a partner isn’t a substitute for friends, but I think that’s an entire other post altogether).
In fact, I don’t think I have a single female friend who either isn’t in a relationship, or if the perfect guy knocked on her door right now, wouldn’t be in a relationship. Seriously, I can’t even think one girl I know who doesn’t at least have one eye open (even if it’s just a smidgen of a part of an eye), looking for the one. Maybe it’s the same with boys too – but ultimately I feel like that question is better answered by a guy (dude TNTML’s? Opinions?).
Wait so – why does this kinda suck again? Why can’t I have my “one” and eat my career too? (Or maybe it’s the other way around…whatever that saying is…). It kinda sucks because marriage is still this foreign and a bit “far off” concept. So we want serious relationships (because, I truly believe, for many humans it’s just the way we are), but tying the knot seems like the thing old people do, so instead we’ve turned regular old dating relationships into a form of marriage.
Okay. Be patient with me for this part, because there’s a lot of ways this argument can be misconstrued. I not arguing that there’s a problem with living together before you’re married or being committed to each other before you’re married, or even having a kid together before you’re married if that’s what works for your relationship. In fact, some couples choose not to (or are unable to) get married, and still have wonderful happy lives together.
But I do think that a lot of dating scenarios do get too serious on the commitment end before the individuals are really ready to “forsake all others” and all that junk. And I’m speaking from serious experience here. My own, and others. In fact, I still do this. In fact, to be completely honest, I’m doing it right now. Marriage seems like this off-the-table-for-a-while and far away thing, so the whole “dating” scenario covers the spectrum from “we met 2 weeks ago” to “we’ve been living together for 10 years.” And society doesn’t seem to treat these two types of couples all that differently. So now it’s like, as soon as you’re in – as soon as you’re sure you’re pursuing something (that ethereal “something”) with that someone, you’ve also just committed yourself to every “couple” rule in the book.
No flirting, no making out, no checking out, no putting friends first, going to family events, proclaiming love on Facebook for all the world to see, etc. It seems that even couples who aren’t ready for this kind of commitment fall into it too early on – because that’s what relationships are supposed to be like.
But it’s not. Really. It’s what serious relationships are supposed to be like. It’s what marriage is supposed to be like.
Serious relationships come with serious expectations. But by the time couples are a few years in to a relationship, these expectations should be fulfilled because they know they love and care about each other. If we’re asking our partners to fill them too soon, then it’s more about demonstrating what we’re supposed to do, or what society asks, then about demonstrating how we really feel.
And this is where I’m currently stuck as an overdreamer. Should I just go ahead and admit the fact that hey – I’m 24, and getting married to the right person, even if it were in the next couple of years, would be a-okay? And if a guy’s not thinking the same way, just forget him? Should I turn against my instincts and stick to the casual dating game until I’m making $X/year? Not demanding that a guy fulfill the requirements of a “serious” role in my life? Should I join a nunnery???
Do tell me what you guys and gals think. I’m willing to bet that there are folks from every walk of relationship life reading this blog. How do you mesh your ideals with reality when it comes to relationships?
#nerdsunite
Want more from Megan? Check out her blog over yonder!
Reader Comments (2)
I completely identify with that.
Young professional male, similar age, done the career first thing, away from family, was away for college and now out on my own. And like you, not terribly non-lonely. (I'm a guy, we can't actually admit we're lonely so work with me here!)
Graduated at the top of class, established a great career and feel like it's time to think more about the whole relationship thing.
Through I'm not sure if you should wait to hit a $X/year. I'm not sure that it's all that relevant to anything. I don't think a relationship would hinder income growth nor do I think higher income would help find better matches. If anything having a supportive partner would be helpful I think. So yes I think you can have your career and eat your partner too.
If I meet the right girl, I'd totally be up for getting married (ideally in about 2-3 years). Other than confirming the intended permanency of our relationship, I don’t think much would change day-to-day. I'll definitely still pursue my career goal, which really pushes the limits of being an overdreamer. And would hope she wouldn't change either.
Yeah, sort of agree with Reader 2. I graduated college and am looking for a company to start with, which in this current economic environment, isn't really easy. I am a non-stereotypical man. I really just feel lonely and am looking for something a little more permanent than one-night-stands. I totally agree with you on the whole dating-wierdness curve. It just seems that the dating thing is a pre-marriage marriage and a lot of people I know who are in these relationships think that there is no way out of it. I want to get married, have kids, a career, a home, but not right away. I have to get to know her first. Things with this whole relationship-dating-marriage-career thing are messed up, but I don't know a way around it. You find one, let me know.