#WTF: Kevin's Kephalonomancy is Kontagious
Monday, July 25, 2011 at 4:33PM
Alcoholic Candy Beverage: Because cirrhosis and childhood nostalgia deserve each other.
<editorsnote> Nerds, meet Kevin. I found him on craigslist, kinda like how I found that half eaten bag of pretzels, and last Friday's booty call. Casual encounters, FTW! He's hilarious, and smart ... and little elves dance in his footprints as he walks. For the record, I've made two of those facts up. </editorsnote>
#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Kevin Herman
I started writing this yesterday whilst my boxers were forced to endure yet another sweat-laden nightmare that no amount of fans could rescue them from, so the original draft opened with multiple paragraphs about the heat, my balls, my balls extreme distaste for heat, and something about slaying Obsidian GrimBears during a...laser show(?), but like...I mean, any pretense about presenting this drink as a great way to BEAT (the ever loving shit out of) THE HEAT and knock your high and mighty sobriety down a few pegs with an icy alcoholic beverage is sort of gone, or so the weather forecast and my currently erect nipples tell me.
Note: There have been a few days between me writing this and sending it in, during which I’ve once again become a dehydrated husk coated in a permasheen of sweat. My nipples are decidedly flaccid now, and the aforementioned ball-heat-aversion effect is once again applicable. Too lethargic to even slay fictional demonspawn :'(
Actually only the former no longer applies; making like a douchey bro by punching your sobriety squarely in the face and calling it “pussy” needs no additional pretense, as it *is* the weekend.
Note: Also...it’s not really the weekend anymore *per se*. But since it’s my birthday on 7/25 and I’ll be spending the entirety of the evening in an LSAT prep class, I implore that you allow me to get shitt-ay by proxy through you and...actually I guess that’s sort of irresponsible on my part since you probably have “jobs” and stuff. Instead consider the time between now and next weekend a grace period to collect the ingredients listed. Just hazarding a guess here that you don’t have a wholesale industrial-sized bag of Warheads lying around your place.
So, without further ado, m’nerds, I give you:
The Fissiontini
(also known as “The Atomic Concoction”, “Nuclear Winter”, or “Make Us That Warhead Drink, Kevin”)
The story of its inception by a few friends and I (many years ago) is kind of long and convoluted, but much like the atomic bomb, our atomic drink had similar (albeit figurative) results: everyone within a 40 foot radius of the blender was annihilated and we, the inventors of the drink, were mortified by the widespread devastation (read: vomit) we felt responsible for. Like most great discoveries, The Fissiontini was born from the perfect storm of boredom, scientific inquiry, a lamentation of being single, and an inexplicable surplus of Warheads in my friend’s kitchen.
Huge disclaimer: people often champion their mixed drinks and cocktails with the clichéd “dude, you can’t even *taste* the booze!” - and I’m saying that here too; except in this case it is absolutely true and I’m stating it as a warning. Don’t believe for a moment that there “must not be enough alcohol” because your taste budz aren’t registering it and start liberally applying more. We made this mistake. Hence the aforementioned annihilation and vomit-devastation the drink’s inaugural party was rife with. Careful or not, though, the drink IS fucking delicious. Okay, ON TO IT:
You need:
- A blender...the bigger the better.
- 27 Blue Warheads, 8 Green Warheads, 2 Yellow Warheads [We’re not married to these numbers, but we’ve found it provides the best flavor while also creating the most vibrant color]
- Tonic
- Vodka (I imagine Bacardi 151 would be just as undetectable taste-wise, if you’re harboring some kind of minor grudge against your liver and want to expedite the git-crunk process)
- Ice
Take these things and:
- Put the Warheads in the blender first, so they’ll be the first to feel your machine’s bladey wrath, then dump in enough ice to fill about ⅔ - ¾ of the blender.
- Pour in tonic until it’s submerged about ⅓ of the ice, maybe even a little less.
- ...this is where it starts getting really inexact: just pour in vodka (or whatever) until a little bit past the point where the ice starts to float. That sounds like a LOT of vodka (and...I mean, really it is) but given the amount of ice, it’s not as apocalyptic an amount as you might think. If you really really want numbers, the amount of vodka to tonic should be about 2 to 1.
Note: I *feel* like the vodka::tonic ratio is right. My memory is a little shaky. I may actually make this later tonight to see if my formula recall is horribly flawed and I’ve sent you all to your tasting-strongly-of-vodka deaths.
- Now BLEND THE UNHOLY SHIT OUT OF IT, and enjoy!
#nerdsunite
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Reader Comments (3)
Oh this is on for tomorrow night, I will find some damn warheads =D ..review to follow!
Alright, so my idea of tomorrow may differ from others.. sue me =D Just made the first blender.. and holy shit if I had to go to every store i could find to get some Warheads.. ended up with 25 blue so added an extra green and yellow. I used way less tonic at first, just to hte bottom of the ice.. and yea.. you could taste the vodka.. so i reblended with more ice and more tonic.. and it's pretty good.. the flavor of the warheads seems a lil outdone by the sour powder crap they put on them, but a pinch of sugar evens it out a lot.. after i finish this pitcher i may make another since i have a ton of black cherry warheads and play with the recipe a bit =D Thanks for the idea though!! =)
Finished the first pitcher.. my roomie was kind enough to have a glass so I wouldn't have to drink it all myself.. biggest tip.. have some warheads au-natural before drinking.. that bitterness from the sour shit disappeared after the first glass.. 2nd pitcher? tasting pretty fuckin good.. i might even like it more than the first.. although, it does NOT look as kool.. the org recipe was this awesome vibrant blue.. the 2nd i used 27 black cherry, 8 watermelon, and 2 green apple, it looks like vodka with floaties and a vaugely pink tint.. but tastes great!! so there you have it.. oh and i may be an alcoholic by some ppl's standards but my roomie drinks rarely anymore.. and 1 glass (a pint, 16 oz) and he was bumping between buzzed and drunk.. good job dude!! =D