Fun with #OkCupid: Breaking down emotional unavailability

Well hello there sexy lover faces. Here I be just browsin' my OKC account before what I hope is going to be an adventurous Saturday night ... (you better not fail me DC!!) ... and found this email. Thought I would share. Whabadaba-dap-dap-doo ...

Do I think I am attracted to guys who treat me that way - umm, in regards to that post (read it here - that fucker made me cry!!)? No. It was a physical lust. He looked exactly like this guy I dated when I was 18.

What do I mean about emotional unavailability? It is the act of being shut off to the world. I started this site because of a broken heart, and even getting me to date again was like PULLING TEETH, hence why I only did it if I could document, and hence why when I started documenting I accidentally wound up going on over 103 dates in 9 months ... I am very very very devoted to what I do.

Emotional unavailability is a vacant sign on your forehead; I don't know how else to describe it. You aren't looking for anything serious because your brain can literally not handle anything more. Your body however is still animalistic and has carnal desires that cannot be denied - hence why I'll still see and bone dudes, but not let it get much further.

Do I feel less connected to a guy that thinks the world of me? I don't know. I am in conflict with that almost every day. I want a guy to do romantic things for me, what girl doesn't like flowers??? But what turns me on the most about a guy is someone who challenges me, pushes me - tells me to take that risk. I want a partner in crime, I don't want a guy to put me on a pedestal. The problem with duderinos that are most likely going to challenge me are the ones that aren't romantic and end up being kinda douchey. Is there a balance to that? Not sure. I'd like to be hopeful, but I've also never even had a Valentine or a terribly romantic dinner. I usually just end up dating my guy friends because they are there, and as far as anything else I've always sacrificed work before love. Sad, but true.

I want to break my pattern - that is why I document my life, through transparency I hope to psychoanalyze and receive input from the internet on what I can do next, etc. I don't ever know what I'm doing, but I am confident enough every day to just show up for life and see what works.

Between you, me, and well - the internet ... I actually want to stop having casual sex. It's been weighing on my heart for the last 30 days, and I'm getting kind of over it. Don't get me wrong, I will ABSOLUTELY need to figure something out, and who knows maybe turn it into a social experiment to hold me personally accountable - but it gets old, and empty.

Kiss, bone, sleep, wake up, leave - if you're in town call again.

Kiss, bone, sleep, wake up, leave - if you're in town call again.

Kiss, bone, sleep, wake up, leave - if you're in town call again.

I don't want that life. Me declaring that however is the first step, following it up with tasks is my next doable action. Need to stay disciplined though, so I'll have to process some things out to make sure I am held accountable.

I am excited that this week I have a pretty rad date on Thursday or Friday. It's with a guy I've had a crush on for a while, so we'll see. That's the thing though, even if you have casual sex it's never great. (Well, I take that back, it can be ... but very very very rare.) What makes good sex - great, is an emotional connection and a bond in some capacity. I'm not talking love, I'm talking like, and not lust. I want to be in like with someone. I want to be able to open up my heart, tame my inner animal, and let more of my emotional self be present. I deny my feelings all of the time when the fact of the matter is is that I get terribly lonely. I want a guy I can call periodically, I want a guy I can gush with about my day, and listen to his. I want an intimate relationship with someone ... somewhere. I'm picky so it will be a process, but I'm ready.

You hear that world?

I'm ready for you.

Here ... this song is on my playlist. Just listen to how sad the lyrics are. Totally describes how I feel though ...

#lovesavetheempty