#ThatAwkwardMomentWhen: You realize the guy you are on a date with has a blogger fetish
Thursday, November 29, 2012 at 12:05PMWhat a crazy week this has been. First, I had my high school reunion, followed by this date that I had planned in case the reunion sucked. The reunion turned out to be AH-MAZING, but the date? Not so much. It was actually top 5 for the worst date I've ever been on. This guy is FUCKING NUTS, and I kept wanting to give him the benefit of the doubt but after THIRTY SIX HOURS, I was left only with a series of facepalms.
Alrite, so after the reunion, I kicked it in West Hartford center at a starbucks writing out the post and meeting up with readers of the site.
The first to stop by was Jeff who lives in the town I was born in, Bristol ...
We chatted up a bit about life, love, and all good things in the keyword of nerd.
After Jeff left, I then peaced on over to the elbow room to meet up with a twitter friend, Michael. He's new in my social feeds, but he reached out and said he wanted to grab a drink. Perfection, I tweeted back!
Michael arrived a short while later, and he then asked when I was leaving.
Tonight, I said. I have to get to the airport before midnight since I'm sleeping there and I want to get to my gate since it's easier to just go through security late in the evening than have to suffer through it with the crowds in the morning.
So you have all evening? he asked.
Yep, I replied.
He glances down at his watch.
I have tickets to a hockey game tonight, are you interested in going?
ABSOLUTELY, I replied back. I LOVEEEEE hockey.
<tangent> It's true. Hockey and soccer are my favorite games to watch. So much energy, and in hockey they have fights. I really really really like seeing dudes fuck each other up. </tangent>
We then got in the car and headed to downtown Hartford at the XL center.
While we were sitting watching the game, I then got a tweet from another reader (Billy) telling me he'd be in West Hartford in about a half hour. (He was driving down from MA to say howdy.) Having COMPLETELY forgotten about it because of the change in scenery, I immediately tweeted him back and told him to come to the XL center instead.
A half hour later, he arrived.
Sorry, I said to my first friend. I just have to go say hi to someone super fast. I'll be like 15 minutes.
Where are you going? He asked.
There's another reader of the site here, and I have to go say hi.
Wait, people just show up to meet you? he asked.
Absolutely they do!
And you go and say ... hi?
Yep!! I love it! I then explain further, I'd be doing what I'm doing anyway for my soul, but the fact that I have readers means that I was able to turn it into a business. These people make my life!!! And this guy in particular just drove 1.5 hours just to say hi.
Wow, he said.
I know!!!!
I then beat feet upstairs and met with Billy.
Great, great, guy.
After the game, my friend then dropped me off at the airport.
This is perfect, I said. I have an hour to spare before security should be closing.
I then bid my bud adieu and walked into the airport.
I get to security and I see a big fat gate closing everything off.
NOOOO!!!! I screamed. Hartford closes their airport security before midnight. Shit, I can't sleep at my gate.
I then brushed it off, realizing it wasn't the end of the world and like with most things, I would be able to figure something out.
As I was combing the area for an outlet to charge my phone a security guard approached.
A more comfortable place for you to sleep is going to be over at the Sheraton. They have TVs and super comfy chairs.
I started laughing.
Is it that obvious what I'm doing? I asked.
Of course, he said, and there's nothing wrong with it.
I then smiled thanking my new friend and walked down the massive hall into the Sheraton plopping my fanny down in a super comfy chair and turning on Law and Order.
WAYYY better than airport chairs, I thought.
Around 1, I got kicked out by security.
Excuse me, ma'am, he said catching me with my eyes closed. You can't sleep here.
No problemo, I said back. I was just waiting for a friend but I can go wait elsewhere.
I then went back to the airport and saw the security guard again.
Did you get kicked out? he asked laughing.
Yep, I said. No bueno sleeping there, but at least I got to see an episode of Law and Order!! =)
I then crashed on the floor next to the window and a few hours later caught my flight to Colorado.
Now, at this point, I hadn't showered, I slept in chairs and on the floor. I have no make up on, remnants of deodorant ... I was just a hot, hot mess.
I emailed my date.
Can I please shower when we get in? I've been up all night and this isn't going to be pretty.
Not a problem, he said.
I then arrived in Colorado, and upon checking in on Foursquare I see a tweet from my date.
"Waiting for @JenFriel" read the 140 character message.
Oh shit, I thought. He's tweeting about meeting me.
ANNNNYYYTIIIMMMMEEE a guy has ever tweeted about being with me, I know he's interested in the personality the site represents and not the person. Happens EVERY.SINGLE.TIME.
Fuck, I thought. This isn't going to be fun.
I then got to the baggage claim area where I saw my date waiting and holding a hand written sign.
"Welcome @JenFriel #hotdate"
I start laughing.
Cute, I say.
We then start walking and almost immediately I can feel my body tense up.
I look my date in the eye saying thank you for this adventure, but I IMMEDIATELY wanted to look away.
Bad vibe, I thought. I get a really really bad vibe from this guy.
<tangent> The feeling that I felt from him was the same feeling I got from this dude that knew one of my friends that night we all went to Bar Sinister. She introduced us at the bar, and IMMEDIATELY I wanted to stop talking to this guy. The second I looked in his eyes, this feeling registered in my body that translated to: BOLT FRIEL!!!
We spoke for less than a minute and then I excused myself.
Later in the evening, I asked my friend about the guy. Why did I get such a bad vibe from him? I asked.
Oh, she said, because he used to be a trained assassin. (SWEAR TO GOD TRUE STORY!!) He literally used to kill people for a living, she explained.
Does he still do it? I asked.
No, she explained. He stopped a while ago. This was all when he was younger.
How MUCH younger, I thought - this guy looks like he's my age.
It was when he was a kid.
Jesus ...
True story, and in this moment, I couldn't look this guy in his eyes either.
Did I think he was necessarily a trained assassin?
No. Definitely not. I could have taken this guy. But there was that same vacancy layered with anger. I can't articulate it, but it registers very very strongly in my body.
</tangent>
We then piled into the car and within the first few minutes he explained how nervous he was.
Dude, it's all good, I reassured. I don't bite.
Moments later he then says, I have this new start up I wanted to get your advice on.
I SHOOT him a look of anger.
Are you REALLY bringing up your start up? This is a d-a-t-e. I don't care about your fucking start up.
That btw, is my BIGGEST pet peeve and I've said it 100 times. I get that you're passionate about what you do, great! Me too!! BUT DON'T ASK FOR ADVICE!!! When you do, it puts me on a pedestal. I want a partner in crime, an equal. I want to be challenged and pushed to be better. I do NOT want to be viewed as an "advisor" of ANY kind in regards to dating.
This guy flew me out here to get advice on his start up, and use me for my connections. What a fucking prick.
We then get back to his place and he shows me the extra bedroom I can have for my stay, and where I can shower.
Thank you, I said.
AAHHHHHH, best. shower. ever. I thought as I was finally getting clean.
I then went downstairs all fancied up, and he asks if I want to sleep.
No, I said. I'm good, I'm excited and ready to go!
Great, he said. Let's go to the teahouse for lunch.
Awesome!
We then went over to a popular teahouse in Boulder and as we sat down I still felt the trepidation about looking him in the eye.
I do everything I can to avoid eye contact.
You're a lot quieter than I expected, he said.
This is a date, I said. I'm a person, not a personality.
Oh ok, he replied.
We then finished up lunch and walked down to Pearl street to watch some street performers.
Even with this guy standing next to me ... I couldn't stand it. His energy is so, so, so, so, bad.
So bad in fact, it reminded me of how tired I was.
Do you mind if we go back, and I can take a nap?
Not a problem, he said.
I then passed out for three hours and when I woke up thought maybe I was just over-reacting.
This guy can't have that bad of energy, I thought. I must have just been on people overload from the weekend activities. Get it together, I reassured myself. Clean slate. Give this guy a shot.
We then went to dinner and I tried EVERYTHING in.my.soul. to connect with this guy.
Over dinner he speaks of his ex wife, the popular blogger rebound he had after (who broke his heart worse than the divorce), his depression, and all of the medication he is on for it.
Newsflash: THESE ARE NOT ATTRACTIVE TOPICS OF CONVERSATION!!!
This guy wasn't just "depressed" he is the literal definition of "depressed." I've ABSOLUTELY never felt so inundated with sadness and overall, emptiness, in all of my life.
He would talk and talk and talk about his start ups and all these ideas he has - but what has he actually executed? The one big start up idea he said he had would have been relevant in 1995, but today?? Are you kidding me?!?!? Who wants to start an 'insiders view" of a dying industry?!?!! IT MAKES NO SENSE!!!
I then looked up at the clock and noticed it was 8.
Do you mind if we just go back and watch a movie? I asked.
Not a problem, he said.
We then watched Downton Abbey, and after a single episode I fell asleep.
The next morning around 10 he knocked on my door.
Ready, he asked?
You betcha, I said finishing up the work I was doing.
Did you sleep well? I asked.
Yeah, he said, but this morning, I posted on my blog the fact that you were here.
Oh? I said, as if I needed more proof of this guy's motives.
Yeah, and I asked the girl that had stood me up to RT.
<tangent> In his inital email to me, he mentioned this "hot mess of a girl" standing him up after he flew to NYC to see her. Here's the kicker, she's not just "a" girl, she just so happens to run a very popular blog. Are you seeing a pattern here? </tangent>
Wait, I said, you called this girl a hot mess and yet you asked for a RT?
Yeah, he said, then she called me a stalker and we went back and forth. She even offered to paypal me the money for my ticket. It's not about the money, he said. I just don't want her thinking I'm a stalker.
YOU'RE MISSING A FUCKING CHIP, I THOUGHT!!! WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SHE'S GOING TO RT YOU AFTER YOU JUST CALLED HER A HOT MESS!!!
YOU'RE.
FUCKING.
INSANE.
We then got in the car and he took me over to the Celestial Tea factory.
On the way over I desperately searched for topics of conversation.
Colorado is BREATHTAKINGLY beautiful, so anything commenting on the beauty seemed to keep working.
Have you ever gone tubing in the Colorado river? I asked.
No, he said. A lot of people die doing it. It's quite dangerous.
I shoot him a look.
Really? Really? Yes, and people die in cars as well.
I quietly sighed to myself changing the conversation.
We then pulled up to the factory, and he mentioned the fact that prairie dogs inhabit the land.
OMG OMG OMG! I said, seeing a bunch of them.
Yeah, he said, and you have to be careful they have been known to carry the bubonic plague. It is funny though, when you see them squished on the side of the road.
I shoot him another look. Winner! Most negative person ever!!
I then thought, what does this guy even like about me? Has he not read my writing? I'm the most positive person ever. UUUGGHHH!!! How many more hours do I have to be here!?!?!
The rest of the day was more of the same. Negative comment after negative comment. The worst part being, this guy has no idea how negative he was being, nor how much he has an affinity for seeking out females he views to have prominence. Clearly, it doesn't take a shrink to explain how insecure he feels and is obviously only aligning himself with these women to make himself feel better ... dude, get help.
He then dropped me off at the airport the next morning, and I then tweeted out a friend in the area who said she wanted to say hi.
Come meet me at the airport, I tweeted back.
Not a problem! She said. See you in a few!
As we were pulling up to the airport, my date then drops another bomb on me.
Now, at this point, I was barely speaking, making ABSOLUTELY NO EFFORT to show ANY interest.
When I couldn't sleep last night, he says, I made a list of people you know or are connected to that I would like an introduction to if you see fit.
DID THAT REALLY JUST COME OUT OF YOUR MOUTH!!!!?!?!? I wondered.
I'm naturally a connector. If I like you, and if I think you have an idea that makes sense, of COURSE I am going to connect you within my network and see if I can help facilitate anything. Dudes, that's in my SOUL, my friends make fun of me for it calling me a "power networker." I immediately get on twitter and will @reply people on the spot making introductions.
THIS GUY is now asking for my connections???
OH.
FUCK.
NO.
I say nothing to him in response, and we then pulled over to the curb.
Thank you, I say grabbing my bag giving him a half hug.
I don't look back, I instead RRUNNNNNNNN into the airport throwing my stuff on the ground.
I was visibly shaking at this point but SUPER grateful to have this experience be over with.
I immediately post this on my Facebook wall ...
My friend Michele then arrived moments later. I am still shaking.
(Michele and I met at the WITI conference I spoke at.)
I just need a hug, I admitted as she held me.
You poor thing!! She said. The date was that bad?
You have no idea, I lamented.
We then sat down.
I want to say thank you, she said. After I heard you speak, and started reading your site I made SO many life changes!!
YES YES YES!! I said giving her a high five.
She then told me how she quit the company she's working for, and is now going solo expanding her brand.
Seeing her face light up telling me this story, absolutely made my life.
This is UNBELIEVABLY amazing! I said. Congratulations on learning how to step up to your own plate!!
Thank you, she said with pride.
Moments later, I then had to catch my flight, but Michele helped me navigate through the airport.
These last few minutes made this entire trip.
We then hugged goodbye and I while I was standing in line at security I thanked her again in social media ...
Typo: "the" transformation.
ANNNDDD there you have it. That's that story. What are my take aways?
1) I'm not destination dating anymore. If a guy wants to meet me, he can fly to LA and we'll grab a drink. If it expands from there, awesome! But I am NEVER getting on a plane like that again for a random.
2) Your state of consciousness dictates everything. I didn't even have to speak to that guy to know I didn't like him. He has this pain in his eyes that is palpable. People pick up on EVVEERRYYTHIIINNNGG when they meet you. You might not understand it, but your only job in life is to find and follow your bliss. THAT will attract more abundance and welcome more people into your life. I'm not surprised this dude hasn't done better for himself professionally, and why he is strictly attracted to females that he views as prominent. He's painfully insecure, and it shows.
3) I should have left that first night. I've been criticized over and over for the 103 dates in 9 months that I should have had dinners instead of just a beer. What people don't understand though is that you make snap judgements in the blink of an eye and as a woman, it is almost NEVER wrong. I knew immediately I wasn't going to like this guy. To my disappointment, I was right.
#thatisall
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Reader Comments (7)
I'd never heard of destination dating before, but it sounds awful. Paying for a stranger to come out to visit sounds nearly as bad as moving to a new city to be with a random person. Okay, not quite.
Thanks for making any of my bad dates sound infinitely better!
I know this guy. I had the same exact reaction -- it's sort of aggressive emptiness. Plus he had bad breath and drove a car I couldn't accept (very shallow, I admit). Fortunately it was just a brief meal. Too bad, right, since he seems good on paper.
Btw, I don't think you should necessarily give up on destination dating just because of one person. He doesn't need to have that kind of effect on what you do. I personally am wanting to "destination date" in NY & Calif!
DUDE!!!! so aggressive, but it's like, what are you working towards? terribly terribly hollow. i believe in survival of the fittest so i should feel bad, but i kinda dont. figure your shit out, and move up. he's stagnant.
So, um, I'm the second Boulder girl in your comment stream who's gone out with this guy. And I don't want to be horribly negative, but I must say that you just about wrote my situation verbatim, without the famous-blogger part. I never figured out what his big void was, and that made me too sad to even be his friend in the end. I do wish him the best, but all that resistance just hurt my heart to watch.
this is so crazy wild!!! its this extreme, extreme sadness on top of this void. he's SUPER aggressive too but its built on this house of cards emotionally - it's extremely transparent. this is so gnarly. thank you both for reaching out and reading!!! nice to know i wasnt just overreacting
I'm a blogger in NYC and I know this guy, too. In fact, a reader of my site actually read your post and contacted me because the story sounded familiar. A few clicks later and I put the pieces together.
Okay, so you had an uncomfortable date. What did you expect? I would think the fact that he contacted you via social media would be the initial tip off that someone was interested in the personality and not the persona since all they know of you is the personality. You're not a newbie blogger. This is Blogger 101.
Like I said. I know this guy. Hes probably reading these comments and I'll hear from him soon after this gets posted. I have my own reservations about him. I also think he repeatedly sets himself up to get reamed on the internet, so I don't really feel too badly for him. But I think you crossed a line by revealing that he takes meds and suffers from depression. Here was this guy trying to form a human connection with you, something you claim to have preferred in such situations, and you turned around and used the situation for content. Yeah, ok, you have your disclaimer that anybody you date must be willing to be written about. But there's such a thing as being human and compassionate. At the very worst he lacks any sense of self-awareness. He's not the borderline sociopath you made him out to sound.
I have warned him many, many MANY times about the dangers of this...fetish..he has for contacting bloggers. He dismisses me saying I don't understand tech the way he does. Well, here we are, somebody recognized him. Of course he had to write about it as well, compounding the issue and further humiliating himself.
I guess my gripe is that you flew hundreds of miles to meet a random dude, refused to see him as a human being while expecting him to see you that way and then exploited him. You can't have it both ways. You can't expect people to see past the persona when you treat them like one dimensional characters.
i hear what you're saying and appreciate reaching out and being so transparent despite the fact that this is easily traced back to you with the not so anonymous name. brave, i respect that. i felt it went both ways actually re: the "character" portrayed. i knew immediately based on is energy we would not get along. could i have flushed that out more before agreeing to meet? maybe. ive certainly learned my lesson since. the gripe that i had was the fact that he made a list of people and brands im connected to that he wanted to also be connected to. i get it, he's launching something and i admire his balls for putting it out there - but it fell flat because we didn't connect ... at all. i admitted i should have left the first night and who knows maybe this story would have ended differently. this is my brand, this is what i do. everything in life is content. the repercussions of that is my own karma, which i am aware - but he got content as well. this situation in my eyes is a wash and another story in a collective.