#YayLife: At least he didn't send me a penis picture

OOOHHHHH the emails women get every day being online.

Here's one I just got this afternoon, take a look ... 

I was genuinely confused by this email; how did this guy expect me to respond to this? Is this supposed to get me all juicy and contact him back asking for a roll in the hay? 

I turned that confusion into action and decided to email him back ... 

And now in a size that we can all read it in ... 

well thank you for reading, greatly appreciated. 

in all seriousness though, how do you expect a female to ever respond to this? lemme analyze what you think you said versus what i actually read. 

You Said: Message: Hello.
@Jenfriel.

I Read: Message: Hello.
@Jenfriel.

You Said: I thoroughly enjoy your social media life documentation and very much appreciate the feelings and views of a chick on the OKC.  I am an avid OKC user, more of a casual sex locator than anything, but have had a couple relationships off of the site. 

I Read: I've read your shit, and appreciate the female perspective. props. I've been on OKC for a few years, but am more on it for pussy - however, the lingering relationships aren't bad either. 

You Said: Not gonna say I am at all close to the numbers you are putting up, but, I think I'm rather attractive and got some sweet pimp game to get past the awkward first stages and move to a more intimate setting.

I Read: I've been around the block, maybe not as much as you - but I tell myself I have confidence and enough game to get a chick back to my place. 

You Said: Your work is amazing, your life kinda rocks.  Maybe I'm just writing this because I just read the 'blue dildo' story followed by the dick picture story and you might be the fattest prey on the land,  I am quite the tail hunter not gonna lie.

I Read: your work is amazing, your life kinda rocks (thank you for saying that - very kind). I read the story about the toy that you masturbate with and it turned me on - especially since I see that other guys are all over you, and you've still not allowed yourself to be caught; I like challenges. 

You Said: I think the purpose of this message is to say that I am a fan and intrigued by your words.

I Read: I dig your shit, and you're interesting. 

You Said: I really don't know what I'm doing here...

I Read: I don't know why I'm still talking right now ... 

You Said: Anyways,  I'm 27, white, not overweight, not in shape, I'm a chef, I hope maybe we can swap some messages or be internet buds or something.

I Read: I'm 27, white, average but not LA guy average like Nebraska average. I'm a chef, and I hope we can be pen pals. 

You Said: If you don't email me back, I'm not going to send 10000000 emails in 2 days, I do have real life chicks, not gonna fixate on some cute internet blogger that kicks it with sweet porn stars.

I Read: If you don't email me back I may stalk your foursquare and casually show up where you are just so I can sniff your hair to see if you are still using Herbal Essences. I mean, I think you use Herbal Essences ... I'm not quite sure though. Wait, did you see me the last time I was in your apartment? OMG FUCK! 

You Said: adios.

I Read: restraining order. 

#oy