#Tandem10: Naked, slightly buzzed, a little down, & feeling honest

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Eric. He is a MAASSTTEERRR social dynamics expert that will be talking about his experiences in the field from both an expert, and experience perspective. He's not just saying "this is how to get the girl" he's here to share his actual life stories and lessons learned from them. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT ERIC !!</editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @Redolpho

As I lay here and think about where I am in this present moment I am wondering if my fear of success is beginning to rear its ugly head. I need to write and hope that honesty will guide me to some solution. I have been acting out. I felt like an addict to my own self-destruction, pulling myself from success little bits at a time. Little things like a little junk food, or a few too many drinks, or spending money recklessly all pull me from my dreams.

Perceptively, this project is starting to gain weight. It's starting to become this behemoth and for the first time since I started, I think that I am beginning to feel some doubt. In my past this has been the beginning of the end. I start so strong and then I fade away as things seemingly mount in front of me. As I walked home tonight from hanging out with some friends I could only think of one thing, "I need to write." So here I am writing.

With my eyes closed, I am lucidly experiencing the montage of emotion that has captivated me thus far. The moments when I was feeling down and someone whom I'd never met sent me a message telling me that I better not stop writing (find Monika's text). The moments when I sat and dreamt with my eyes wide open and my ambitions set in the sky. But now I feel the weight of success and the path is growing into something more convoluted that I had once imagined it would be. I feel the fear of what may never happen. I know that this is energy wasted and that I should be focused on solutions and not my problems but still it is what is haunting me in this moment. There's a murmur of depression that I'm combating. These are the moments when my head begins to swirl in negativity and there are moments where my attempts to forgive myself are drowned by the roar of failure. I say this because it removes the power of these processes when I do. Even just describing it allows me to step outside of that experience and view it objectively.

The reason for this mounting set of fears is that I realized something the other day. It was a revelation that seemed so obvious the second it enthralled me. I have chosen a path that will irreparably change my life. That's exactly why I chose it. My writing has more than saved my life. I don't know what would have happened had I not written that suicide confession but I am very sure that I was nearing suicide. My writing has given me something bigger to live for. It's given me an outlet to live creatively and purely. It's keeping me focused But what happens after the Tandem10? The answer is, who the fuck knows but it's not going to be a 9-to-5, I can sure as shit promise you that. It is in my nature to think big, I am an ambitious person. I want to grow this thing, make a living worth living, even a meager one from this site. I want to find others whose lives inspire this kind of exploration. This poem from a short-film really spoke to me tonight:

I never want to take this for granted so I try to keep motivation simple, real and positive

If I only scrape a living, at least it’s a living worth scraping

If there’s no future in it, this is a present worth remembering

The fires of happiness and waves of gratitude

For everything that brought us to that point on Earth at that moment in time

To do something worth remembering with a photograph or a scar

I feel genuinely lucky to hand on heart say I love doing what I do

And though I may never be a rich man

If I live long enough I certainly have a tale or two for the nephews and I dig the thought of that…

Dark Side of the Lens

Darkside Of The Lens from mickey smith on Vimeo.

I have to change the name of my website. Tandem10.com only will live as long as this bike ride and although I don't know what the next chapter of my life will be, I want to live for a brand that allows me to live young, and live free. I want to be able to do whatever the fuck I want. If I'm fortunate enough to captivate an audience and this turns into something bigger than myself then so be it, but if not than at least I'll have the stories. I'll have the words that I poured straight from my heart and I'll die with a smile on my face. I will have lived a life worth documenting and that's all that matters to me. That mission is simple and pure. There is nothing convoluted about it. 

This life will continue to be filled by my dreams and ambitions but it is fueled by my readers. Your messages and inspiring words live in me and keep me going when I want to quit. They keep me writing and they keep me honest. I will do my best to keep that purity true and I hope that if I ever act in a way that would threaten this that you would stop me and refocus me on what is important. Now it's time to stop writing and start doing again. Time to get up off my ass and feel the sun on my skin. I already feel so much better than I did when I started writing this piece and I thank you for being a part of that.

For those that have read this far I extend a sincere thank you to you. You are my fuel and every time you tell me that I inspire you, or you tell me to keep going, or that I have to keep going I hear you loud and clear. Your words live in me every day and it's what keeps focused on my path. I wouldn't be here without you and you mean everything to me. Thank you all for sharing my story and being a part of this.

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Month 1 progress pics!!!

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#thatisall

If you’d like to share your stories please feel free to tweet me at @redolpho or email me at eric dot rudolph dot carrillo at gmail dot com