#GeekSpeak: The sometimes random misadventures of @Abby_Cake

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Abby. I met her in Chicago at the #20SBSummit, and this chick is raaaddddd!! She considers herself more of a nerd than a geek - but I think she's just all shades of random and awesome. Oh and FTR, the TNTML stance on nerds versus geeks are that nerds are products of a genetic predisposition, and geeks are raised. BOOH-YAH!!! I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT ABBY!!!</editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @Abby_Cake  

“You have five friends, and the rest is landscape.” -- Portuguese Saying

I’ve been interested for a while in the concept of online and offline friendships. I believe at this point, online and offline are generally indistinguishable and it simply depends on the mutual emotions felt by each person not the location of the friendship’s physical aspect.

I had heard in passing recently that people are really only capable of possessing five close friendships. So, I did a bit of research on the topic.

According to Robin Dunbar: “On average, we have five intimate friends, 15 good friends (including the five intimate ones), 50 friends and 150 acquaintances.”

Humans are only capable of mentally maintaining a close or intimate relationship with up to five people. This inner clique is devised of the people who we see (using this term loosely) at least once a week, or would go to at moments of emergency and crisis. This five-person list can include parents, siblings, children, and lovers.

Additionally, there are two distinct caveats to this five friend theory. One is that if a new lover enters the picture, two relationships from this circle will suffer or disappear altogether. The second is that, as Dunbar says: “Those individuals don’t have to be human. They can be your dog — or your favourite chrysanthemum plant. They can be people in an entirely fictional world — they can be soap opera characters. They can be God or they can be saints.”

The next circle, following our most intimate collection, is referred to as the “sympathy circle,” or people who we would miss if they passed away -- I found this a bleak, but accurate analogy.

Dunbar maintains that an excess of 150 acquaintances is impossible to maintain. Unless you’re me and can’t imagine having 150 friends at all.

With our friendships broken down, I had the opportunity to examine social networks in connection with this theory. Our social network preferences allow us to interact differently with our varied friend groups. I think Google+ is best for the simpler utilization of separating our “circles.” Facebook, on the other hand, is an ongoing broadcast. We can have anywhere from 20-5,000 friends or fans on our pages, openly staring into our window, so to speak.

However, the people in our online social worlds that we interact with most frequently are typically the same people who are active in our offline social worlds. Which validates my earlier point that IRL has become a defunct moniker in most cases.

With my personal combined online and offline friendship worlds -- and in the spirit of minimalism -- I’ve begun to minimize my friends (defined as: people who are closest to me). This has become a process of necessity for the ongoing maintenance of my sanity. And I have begun maintaining social networks which only allow interaction with people who affect me in a primarily positive way.

If a friend affects me negatively, I am going to untether from that friendship. If a relationship is not worth investing my empathy, emotions, and affection into — I’m just not going to anymore.

Is this going to be simple? Of course not. Will I perhaps hurt some people’s feelings in the process? Maybe. But I want a community. I want a circle of close friends who value the emphasis I place on relationships rather than selfishly criticize or demand for me to change.

I can only maintain 15 "good" friendships? That sounds like a "good" number. What's your number?

xx, @abby_cake

#nerdsunite

Want more from Abby?? Check out her blog over yonder - and don't forget to drop her a follow on twitter!!

#GeekSpeak: The sometimes random misadventures of @Abby_Cake

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Abby. I met her in Chicago at the #20SBSummit, and this chick is raaaddddd!! She considers herself more of a nerd than a geek - but I think she's just all shades of random and awesome. Oh and FTR, the TNTML stance on nerds versus geeks are that nerds are products of a genetic predisposition, and geeks are raised. BOOH-YAH!!! I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT ABBY!!!</editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @Abby_Cake

Street vendors are a part of an age old trade, and one I took part in this weekend. This was the first garage sale I have ever held myself and it was quite successful.

Jared and I have been purging our apartment of meaningless items over the past few weeks. Part of the reason is that we are moving to Korea soon and, even so, I don’t want to fill a new place when we return with useless junk. Particularly I was intending to get rid of clothing, non-vegetarian cookbooks, and my overwhelmingly superfluous kitchenware. I had too many pots and pans, too many appliances, and way too many dishes — some of which are still in the boxes they came in, and most were gifts. I did keep a set of dishes, bowls, and salad plates along with a set of our silverware, tea mugs and assorted glasses. I only kept the pots and pans I use with regularity.

Already it feels like this ridiculous weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Just the act of being able to let go of my dishes was purifying.

Lessons learned:

• People will talk to you about anything if you appear friendly. I heard stories ranging from how heavily medicated one lady was, to a woman whose husband asked for a divorce (something she obviously did not intend to give) — she then proceeded to buy all four Twilight books, to a woman who insisted she was going to kill her cat for getting hair on her jacket.
• Don’t feed the stray dogs. Yes, they are very cute. No, they will not go away for the remainder of the garage sale.
• Merchandise the clothing. Clothing is notoriously hard to sell at garage sales. In order to maximize profits we had a “show” area for some of the nicer clothing (jackets, a prom dress, several other dresses). It enticed people to try things on. Also, only the people who should not, under any circumstances, be squeezing into your clothing will be the only people who buy it.
• Advertise. We put an ad on Craigslist the day before and hung signs around town, but putting an ad in the local paper probably would have gone a long way. Especially since in small towns garage sale-ing is a legitimate sport.
• Categorize. If you have a box worth of cookbooks or kitchen utensils (I had both) don’t bother pricing them all individually, just write “entire box $10” or “everything in box: 50 cents.” This might sound lazy (because it is) but it's also easier for everyone.
• Don’t be too proud. Price low on the second day. I am NOT a haggler. Confrontation makes me wildly uncomfortable and I will just stare wide-eyed until the haggling ends. Luckily, no one really haggled and some people even commented on my pricing being fair. I felt vindicated.
• Donate. Anything that doesn’t sell the second time around goes to Goodwill, it does not go back in the house! When we move out officially and begin packing for Korea, I suppose we will attempt one more garage sale before we go — so we broke this rule and kept a few things we might try to resell.

We ran our garage sale for two days, Friday and Saturday. I’d never heard of having a garage sale on a weekday, but surprisingly Friday was our best day monetarily (who knew). People stopped on the way to work or on their lunch breaks with newly filled envelopes from the bank. I honestly felt a little guilt about taking their newly acquired paycheck; but they were excited and I enjoyed the general ebb and flow of conversation. Jared sat in a chair and played guitar, much to the amusement of some older gentlemen who reminisced openly about their guitar years and spoke at length about “House of the Rising Sun.”

Overall, the best sellers were: books, cookbooks, kitchen utensils (pots, pans, etc.), dishes, fashion jewelry, and picture frames. We had a fairly priced paintball gun, fondue pot, and digital camera which didn’t sell, much to our surprise. Also, I must add that selling clothing is particularly frustrating because everyone just complains about not being your size (which is clearly my own fault).

We made about $350 total, not bad for sitting on our butts outside. Also, I am open to suggestions on what to spend the money on, anyone? :)

xx, @abby_cake

#nerdsunite

Want more from Abby?? Check out her blog over yonder - and don't forget to drop her a follow on twitter!!

#GeekSpeak: The sometimes random misadventures of @Abby_Cake

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Abby. I met her in Chicago at the #20SBSummit, and this chick is raaaddddd!! She considers herself more of a nerd than a geek - but I think she's just all shades of random and awesome. Oh and FTR, the TNTML stance on nerds versus geeks are that nerds are products of a genetic predisposition, and geeks are raised. BOOH-YAH!!! I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT ABBY!!!</editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @Abby_Cake

When I was in college, there was much emphasis placed on Sex and the City. With our budding freedom and experimentation with our sexual identity, naturally, came the communal watching of Sex and the City marathons.

I always had female roommates and, before college, did not know what Sex and the City was. My parents did not have HBO, actually, until I moved out, we only had eight channels. I was more well-versed in PBS documentaries than Manolo Blahnik. But I was initiated into the culture of Cosmopolitans by pretty much every female friend I made. They saw it as their mission to make sure I understood the super-chic culture of Manhattan, a culture I obviously had no potential for what with my iced wine in plastic cups and Ramen noodles.

The inevitable counterpoint of this was that everyone sought to identify with a character. Girls do this a lot. In junior high each of us was a specific Spice Girl. I had a friend who sought rabidly to be a Samantha. And another who identified herself as the fashionable Carrie (in her defense, she was very fashion forward). I was eighteen or nineteen, and I thought I wanted to be a Carrie with oddly fashionable fanny packs, super charged sex life, and bullshit stay at home writing career. But as I watched more of the show one of my more astute room mates came to the realization that I was a Charlotte.

Her reasons: I am a romantic, with bad dating luck. I can be a little uptight with my studious over-preparedness and just-in-case planning and crying about bad test grades. I am always trying to workouts and health foods, and often dragged my room mates into it.

We also had a lot of differences as well, something I was quick to point out: I am not rich, I do not care about the whole marriage and kids package, I am not religious, I would never own a show dog, etc. Essentially: I couldn’t see myself at all in Charlotte.

But my friends needed me fill the void in their Samantha and Carrie lives. If I was Charlotte, all they needed was a Miranda and we could find a booth at the local bar to gossip in. I was resistant, much to their chagrin I’m sure.

If I was to be compared to anyone I wanted it to be Jane Austen.

It was a really weird moment when, in the midst of this social phenomenon, I realized I couldn’t identify with it. Maybe my friends could, maybe millions of viewers could. But I couldn’t. I felt like an island in a sea of Cosmopolitans.

So now, I’m just me. I’m not glamorous. I live in the real world with real problems, real people, real failures, and real successes. I shop at Ross over Barneys and wear my worn out Toms over designer shoes. I don’t have a lot of girlfriends who gossip about all the sex they are having (in fact, I very rarely talk about sex at all). My post-divorce life does not compare at all to Charlotte’s.

I haven’t watched Sex in the City in years. I did not watch the movies either. But there was a very strange period in my life where it affected who I was to some degree, and I am glad that time is over

Take a step away from TV, forget your dream-self, and just enjoy being you.

Alternatively, have you ever been influenced by a TV character or show?

xx, @abby_cake

#nerdsunite

Want more from Abby?? Check out her blog over yonder - and don't forget to drop her a follow on twitter!!

#GeekSpeak: The sometimes random misadventures of @Abby_Cake

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Abby. I met her in Chicago at the #20SBSummit, and this chick is raaaddddd!! She considers herself more of a nerd than a geek - but I think she's just all shades of random and awesome. Oh and FTR, the TNTML stance on nerds versus geeks are that nerds are products of a genetic predisposition, and geeks are raised. BOOH-YAH!!! I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT ABBY!!!</editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @Abby_Cake

When I was in junior high and high school, I spent my evenings in chat rooms, forums, ICQ, or AIM conversations. I would talk to my classmates, but oftentimes I would talk to people I didn’t know. I made some great friends, some of whom I still talk to, during that time. I was never alone, because I was always talking to someone. Always sharing a nerdy laugh or surfing the internet together. However, we referred to what we were doing offline as IRL activities and our offline friends as IRL friends.

Some people found this to be offensive, especially on forums, because IRL we are sitting at a computer exchanging words with other human beings. How is that not real? It denigrated our friendships and hobbies. Many a 2AM squabble erupted in the chat box while we discussed the parameters required to dictate what IRL truly meant. And although online we were highlighting the key points of our arguments, offline we were eating cheetos in our underwear.

IRL, for those who don’t know, means “in real life.” In real life, I was a student, I played video games, I hung out with my friends, I read books. Online I participated in forums, met new people, created and discussed digital art, and was most often represented by an anonymous avatar.

Now, things are different ...

A meme, IRL. The internet is escaping.

We use our own pictures as avatars, putting our faces out there for everyone to see. Even in our Gmail inboxes we see the faces of the people contacting us. There is no anonymity. Social networks are no longer underground rooms on the Palace Chat. They are mainstream, things like Facebook, Google+, LinkedIn, Twitter. We are a digitally connected world.

The idea of separating your digital life from your offline life is nonexistent. IRL no longer exists.

The people we know on the internet are simply our friends, just like the people we know from work. Online shopping is not any different than IRL shopping (aside from the necessitation of pants), it’s all just shopping.

With the IRL distinction no longer being necessary, we must accept a full integration of online and offline. We are our online personas whether we are walking down the street or posting on a forum. We are searchable. We are defined by the amount of information we share over the world wide web. We are our Facebook profiles. We are our feelings in 150 words or less.

We are all through the looking glass.

xx, @abby_cake

#nerdsunite

Want more from Abby?? Check out her blog over yonder - and don't forget to drop her a follow on twitter!!

#GeekSpeak: The sometimes random misadventures of @Abby_Cake

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Abby. I met her in Chicago at the #20SBSummit, and this chick is raaaddddd!! She considers herself more of a nerd than a geek - but I think she's just all shades of random and awesome. Oh and FTR, the TNTML stance on nerds versus geeks are that nerds are products of a genetic predisposition, and geeks are raised. BOOH-YAH!!! I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT ABBY!!!</editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @Abby_Cake

I don’t like purses.

I don’t find them to be enjoyable accessories, interesting companions, or particularly accessible. I don’t like the way they rub against my side as I walk or pull down my cardigan on only one shoulder. On the other hand, I can’t imagine having a wallet either. I do not like the feeling of being uneven while seated and I fear it would put a permanent dent in my behind.

I left my purse at home this weekend while we are out of town. Already I feel more free. I don’t have anything remember when we leave a restaurant, and I don’t have to scavenge every time I want to use my phone. This experiment in untethering got me thinking: why do I carry purses at all?

Hyper-preparedness seems to be the obvious answer.

In our consumerist culture we are encouraged to buy things which will keep us prepared for any scenario. Jared and I are only two people, yet we own upwards of twenty dishes. Just in case we want to have a dinner party for his entire extended family. We only drink tea from one or two favorite mugs, yet we have at least ten. For that imaginary tea party I’ve been talking about.

We have all these items in our purses for the same reason — just in case. Kleenexes, different brands of lipgloss to match each outfit, a hairbrush, hair ties, earrings, sunglasses, a wallet overflowing with coupons, receipts, and cards. We have discount cards, credit cards, debit cards, frequent shopper cards, sandwich punch cards — it’s overwhelming! The excess weight fatigues my shoulder and makes me feel like a weighted down pack mule.

In addition to purses, we fill our pockets with physical unimportance. When I empty Jared’s pants I almost always find a pocket knife, pen or sharpie, keys, headphones, occasionally bottle caps or tools of some kind. He absently tucks things away in his pants and forgets.

But why wander while being so weighed down?

<strong>Every item we carry is a burden.</strong>

My goal is to eliminate these burdens before they add up. This week, I will take the time to evaluate each item in my purse, determine its worth, and either keep or discard it. Ultimately, I will probably downsize the purse itself to something much smaller.

Think about what you carry with you. What is important? What is just in case? What is trash?

Eliminate the trash, evaluate the just in case, <strong>keep what’s important.</strong>

xx, @abby_cake

#nerdsunite

Want more from Abby?? Check out her blog over yonder - and don't forget to drop her a follow on twitter!!