#NerdsUnite: I finally felt ... protected

God, I can't STOP writing about Antonio and everything that went down. (click here to read what happened this weekend and the follow up phone call after we decided to romantically call it quits.) He's SUCH a motivating influence in my life. 

My heart is doing a lot better today as my head has finally cleared up and I can view the situation in a more logical manner. The conversation initially hurt just because it came as a complete shock to my system. It's the second time in my life actually that I had been in love and then had to instantly wake up. (See the mentalist here.) I don't EVER want to put those two in the same category, but it was the energy from the mentalist that launched this brand, and I can only imagine what this new energetic release from Antonio will provide back into the brand. 

When I woke up this morning, I kept thinking about what it was about Antonio that made me so attracted to him. There's the obvious, he's incredibly attractive, and super intelligent - but there was something more than that as well. It was this thing he had in his eyes. This sparkle ... this comfort ... this ... protection. I'm totally tearing up right now about that. It's genuinely not easy being a people magnet. People have told me my ENTIRE life that they've just felt "drawn" to me. Sure, it's WONDERFUL that I can launch a brand, and keep people interested in what I'm doing ... but on a human to human level, I'm scared SHITLESS for my safety sometimes.

In the last year alone not only was I hit in the head with the brick, but I was also drugged at a bar. That's not even counting the fact that I was stalked as a teen, assaulted as an adolescent, confronted both two dudes trying to break into our condo, and a guy that tried to carjack me when I was 21. (That is all literally from just the top of my head, btw.) 

I've obviously created now this medium to be able to share all of my feelings when these events happen to me - but at the bottom line emotional core, it's still scary as FUCK being a people magnet. I'm always always always on guard. 

It wasn't until I was with Antonio though that I ever legitimately felt safe. There was NO doubt in my mind that if anyone came after me, not only would he beat them to a bloody pulp, but he'd make sure I was first and foremost okay. That level of safety I haven't felt in ... wow, I can't even tell you how long. It made me so happy!! Even my mom said today on the phone that being with Antonio was the happiest she's heard me be in a very long time if not EVER!!! 

I appreciate how strong you all credit me as being, but it's just a defense mechanism; I'm only strong because I've built up the muscle from all of these extreme life experiences. 

There is something to that that I need to explore more. It's not a physical thing -as is I know how to throw a punch, take a punch, fire a gun, and wield a knife - it's the emotional element and the little kid in me that still wants to just be taken care of. I finally found this guy that not only stimulated me EXTREMELY on an intellectual level, but that made me feel so safe on a visceral level. The dude was ALWAYS a few steps ahead of me on EVERYTHING. He thinks of absolutely absolutely absolutely everything. I still want that in my life as a quality in a mate. 

I'm excited to have lunch with him this week and go over some things, but also (if I can find a way tactfully to do this) I want to ask him where there are other "Antonios." I genuinely don't even think he owns a personal computer, but obvi these guys aren't online. He was a PERFECT gentleman in every manner possible, and genuinely everything I've been looking for in a guy. Like energy always attracts so where there is one ... hhhmmmmmmmmmm

#namaste

#RealDeal: I finally talked to "Antonio" last night - here's what he had to say

Wow, what a wild roller coaster of emotions this past 36 hours has been. 

So, first of all if you haven't read the latest on Antonio you can click here. Bottom line, we met at Comic Con had this massive whirlwind romance that ended up with both of us in love but him respectfully ending it. 

Yesterday took everything out of me. Even writing that piece, I was genuinely still struggling to breathe. I didn't understand why Antonio said we couldn't be together, and why this couldn't happen. I had SUCH strong feelings for him - hands down the MOST that I've had for anyone since literally before I started this site. He was so smart, so accomplished ... it was the first time in my life I truly felt intimate with someone without actually being intimate on a physical level. We had become extremely, extremely close in the last month and I could actually hear my heart break when he told me that we couldn't be involved romantically anymore. 

Due to genuine shock, I was still not entirely sure why everything was happening. He kept saying he wasn't well, and he wasn't good for me, that he would suck the life out of me before I've even entered into my prime - but I had no idea what any of that meant. 

While writing yesterday's story out, I sent him a text. 

He didn't answer for a few hours, but while I was at rehearsal yesterday for the stage show (next show THIS FRIDAY AT 8PM!!!) he texted me back saying he was sleeping but that he was waiting to talk to me. 

I didn't get back to him for a few more hours after that, but when I came back home I decided to call him and of course, it went to his voicemail. 

I waited a few more hours and called a few more times, followed by a text asking if he was awake. He then responded with the fact that he was with his friend but he would call me at 10:30. 

Now at this point I had only had about 3 hours of really crappy sleep from the night before, and I genuinely felt like the biggest piece of shit ever. Staying up til 10:30? YEEAAHHH not sure that was going to happen. 

I did my best to stay awake - I did jumping jacks, sit ups, I was DETERMINED to speak to him. I didn't want to have yet another sleepless night wondering what went wrong and if there was anything I could do to change his mind. 

At 10:35 he calls. 

I stare down at his name on my iPhone and take a deep breath. This isn't going to be easy, but it needs to be done, I thought. 

I then answered. We are both quiet, but I can hear he is at a party of some sort. 

How was your day, he asked? 

Horrible, I replied. 

Yours? 

Same. 

I say nothing. 

Antonio then goes, why did you leave like that? Do you know how horrible you made me feel? I felt so rejected. 

I then LEAP up from the couch saying YOU'RE being rejected? Wait, what?! 

I was crying there Jen, and you didn't do anything. You just left. I wanted you to stay, I wanted to talk. 

I was HYSTERICAL at the time. I was barely even breathing, I got so dizzy when I was sitting in your room that I had to sit down because I was afraid I'd pass out. 

This isn't just about you though Jen. I didn't WANT to do this, I HAD to do this and I feel like you just slapped my heart on a rock. This decision didn't only effect you. 

Why did you HAVE to do this? I don't understand. 

You're about to be in your prime, Jen. If I take you away from what you are doing right now, you will regret the years that I will suck out of you. I don't want to get married again, I don't want kids. I work a high stressful job and I know I am in my later years in life. You're just getting out the gate. 

I then thought about it, and wondered if I really did need to get married and if I really did need kids. I LOVE this person, how is that not enough? 

Why don't we just take things slower then. I don't know if I want those things either - 

Antonio then cuts me off. 

Yes you do, Jen. And there's nothing wrong with it, it's just not who I am. We are already wedded in my mind. That is already done. For the rest of my life you will have a place in my heart, but we just can't be romantic. I want you to know Jen that I will speak so VERY highly of you, and help you with your business or anything else you want. Do you know what my three best friends said about you at the BBQ? They UNIVERSALLY said "don't let this one go." I don't want this Jen. This decision isn't about wants, it's about what you need to be who you are. 

I then realized in that moment that he truly did love me and this was one of the most selfless acts I had ever seen. 

He's right, I thought. He totally could have just strung me along for 6 months, or 6 years. Where would I be psychologically? physically? Our entire courtship up until this point had been COMPLETELY transparent so he knew what my goals were and he knew what I wanted. For me to give that up would be denying a piece of myself. He's not rejecting me because he doesn't want me, or I did something wrong - he is being selfless in saying that we can't be together because we have different goals. 

You're going to do circles around me Jen, I know that. You're going to be some massive executive in a few years and all I'm going to do is smile. I'm just the first Jen. I'm just the first of many that will come into your life like this. 

I then remembered the text he sent me before our very first date ... 

This was BEFORE our very first date. He's also said to me a handful of times how out of his league I was. He wasn't even saying it from a lack of confidence, he was saying it from this extremely genuine place of love and honor. 

I never take no for an answer so we talked for about 30 minutes and I tried to get him to change his mind. I then realized however that this was like me saying to him, I am going to eat Fruit Loops for the rest of my life and him telling me that he wants Lucky Charms for the rest of HIS life. Neither of us are in the wrong, we are both merely speaking our personal truths and that needs to be respected.

Antonio didn't do this because he didn't care for me - it's the exact opposite. He loves me, he loves me very very much, and unfortunately you have to do what's best for the ones you love even if it means you'll get hurt in the process. 

We then agreed that we are going to get together sometime this week to talk things over.

I realize now even my text to him was very juvenile. "Why did you do this? I don't understand." Antonio didn't have a choice either. He is merely doing what he thinks is best for me, and while I don't think I agree I have to respect that he is intellectually speaking always 3 steps ahead and I have to trust that he knows best. 

You have a friend for life, Jen. I will be there for you and if anyone messes with you or your business I WILL go after them for you. Anything you need, Jen. Anything. 

And that my friends is true love. 

I will not let this situation harden my heart and in fact, I'm ELATED I allowed myself to get so close to another person and not just a website. My relationships in general have been LIGHTYEARS ahead of where I have been for most of my life. Antonio is another piece of my dating journey that I have yet to understand or comprehend. I can genuinely say I am a better person because he came into my life, and I am excited to see where our new friendship is going to lead. I can't have him out of my life, but I also learned that I need to empathize more with people and not just cut them off when they've hurt me. I'm like a turtle - when things bother me I COMPLETELY retreat. I used to do it with Noah too actually. We would get into a fight and I would just leave. That's not healthy and that's not a good way to be. I can better myself by learning how to compose myself enough to converse and to understand that other people are hurting too. Despite being a lifecaster and consumed in my own existence morning, noon, and night, everything isn't always just about me. 

Alrite nerderinos, I am giving myself exactly one week to grieve then I'm getting right back on the wagon dating wise (fortunately work wise my schedule is super busy this week with oodles of fun stuff). Afterall, it's not how many times you've fallen ... but how many times you've gotten back up. 

#thatisall

Thank you for everything Antonio. You are a very special person and I will ABSOLUTELY always love you. xoxo 

#NerdsUnite: I can haz scared (update on Antonio)

It's funny … I said I wasn't going to document my courtship with Antonio out of respect yet here I am … talking again. 

I can't shut up about this guy. This all feels very different. 

Anywho, well hello from Venice. I'm currently writing this from Antonio's bed while he's away. He kidnapped me on Thursday after I had a meeting and I haven't been home since. (Having spent so much of the last year as a nomad I can't say I dislike it.) There's this overwhelming sense of calm with him. Because he's so successful in business he doesn't have a lot of time to bullshit anything in his personal life. He wants what he wants when he wants it and being the object of someone's affection like this is unbelievably refreshing. 

Over the last few days I have been meeting a series of his friends. It started on Friday when we went down to the Del Mar race track for a work event he had. I did the whole Politician's wife thing shaking hands, and smiling not saying anything about who I was or if he and I were together. I've never been to the horse races before but psychologically it invokes this vision of opulence, and excess. In reality, it had a Vegas like "electric energy" to it peppered with some of the slimiest looking people I've ever seen. It was … dodgy. 

Either way, we did the meet and greet thing for a few hours and I had to try my best to not talk about anything that I do. Antonio genuinely doesn't care what I write about, but my openness and public life isn't exactly something he wants advertised. I totally get it … but it was HIGH-LARIOUS because I was on rapid fire steering all of the conversations back to the person I had just met. People LOVE talking about themselves so you'd think this would be easy - but not being a naturally inquisitive person in general, it was kind of odd. 

That is a great way btw to get people to like you immediately - just keep asking questions about their life. Go 5% deeper than surface level (like when someone says they have a dog always ask to see a picture).

I don't even know what to say anymore.  There are no games, no bullshit. He brings me coffee in bed every morning and we haven't even had sex yet. There's so much respect!!!!!! He tells me all the time that I carry myself like a queen which is hilarious because I've intentionally barely worn make up around him and am rocking hoodies and shorts mostly. 

He just … feels so familiar.

I'm an extreme loner so for me to even be ABLE to be around a guy for so many days at a time is strange. When he left this morning for his trip I was visibly upset - I didn't want to leave him. I'm STILL at his freaking house because everything smells like him. It's only DATE TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

His friends are all so lovely, and speak so highly of him … he's like a dream. I've become so jaded in regards to dating that I genuinely didn't believe guys like this were still out there. Maybe it's his age (we have over a decade and some change between us), or maybe it's just who he is but he has this heart of GOLD and is a SHARK all at the same time. 

Dudes, he nearly RIPPED the taxi cab driver for taking a call while we were headed back to Venice on Friday night. He explained to him that he had precious cargo and he didn't want the driver to be distracted. He wasn't at all being a dick either, he's just EXTREMELY matter of fact. It takes SO MUCH charm btw to be able to pull off something like that. 

He's so resourceful too. He tips all the people you're supposed to so that we never wait in a line ... he keeps an eye on my drink at all times so my glass is never empty ... and anytime I've needed clothing (since he doesn't exactly give me notice to pack) he takes me to the store. Everything is just taken care of with him on a physical and emotional level. All very strange. I keep staring at him waiting for the other shoe to drop but meeting his friends and co-workers this weekend only solidified the fact that he's genuinely one of the greatest people I have ever met (let alone DATE!!!).

This is different. This is different. This is different.

This all feels so … different. 

Please handle my heart with care. 

 #thatisall

click here to read about our first date Vegas adventure!