<editorsnote>Hi, I'm Jen Friel, and we here at TNTML examine the lives of nerds outside of the basements and into the social media, and dating world. We have over 75 peeps that write about their life in real time. (Real nerds, real time, real deal.) Sit back, relax, and enjoy some of the stories!!</editorsnote>
2) No swearing. I am donating $50 to a local charity here in LA. Anyone have a suggestion please let me know!!
3) I must get up every morning and put on makeup. Done. I love, love, loved this btw. I thought it was going to err on the side of vanity caring about makeup and making sure you look a certain way. I genuinely never care about what I look like. My roommate will tell you that I walk around without any makeup for sometimes days at a time if I can get away with it and am in hermit mode. What I couldn't grasp though in that state was the beauty of self care. It wasn't about putting on globs of makeup but about liking what I saw in the mirror and reminding myself that damn gina, you're still a fine looking thang ova there! Having such terrible luck in dating really did a number on my self esteem.
4) Get contacts. I haven't been home in the last 2 weeks, so I haven't been able to get to my doctor. I did though make an appointment for next week, so it will get done.
5) Get my car back. No more city bus.I AM FINALLY GETTING MY CAR BACK!!! Today, I messaged my friend that has my car and asked for a text of my license plate. From there, I have to call tomorrow to find out one of the ticket numbers for my vehicle and then pay online. From theerrrreeeee, I'm going to call the insurance company and get coverage in addition to going to my appointment with my mechanic on Monday. Getting my car back is ENORMOUSLY overwhelming for me on an emotional level. I can live off of literally nothing - that's no joke. I don't need a car, but it's again part of the self care component. I don't need to take the city bus anymore. I can afford my car, gas, and insurance. After being SO POOR for a year though during my bartering social media as currency, there is this extremely irrational part of my brain that wants this massive nest egg for myself and never wants my bank account to be that low again. To feel PURE HUNGER on more occasions than I can count is something I NEVER EVER EVER want to experience again.
6) No slaves. I haven't talked to any of my slaves all month. I'm not sure where I stand on everything, but am going to give it a bit longer to see if I want to explore the community again.
7) No drinking. I didn't cut out drinking entirely, but I averaged less than a single glass of whatever each week. It was gnarly even the other night at my friend's bday party that little bit extra of wine REALLY got to me. My tolerance is NOTHING right now which is a really good thing. It was great to sometimes just get an iced tea instead of defaulting to a beer or whatever the popular cocktail was at the given location. It definitely helped my waistline as well.
8) Healthy eating. I've been eating super healthy all month. I eat powerbars after workouts, and keep pretty kosher with either a salad or small sandwich. My appetite has decreased in general and I feel fuller faster which is rad.
9) Visit the gym everyday. Dude, my clothes are falling off of me. I put on weight when I launched this brand, and within about the next 30 days I'll lose that last little bit and be back at my weight pre this site. It wasn't my intention, but it honestly feels GREAT going to spin class at the end of each day. In fact, the last two days I haven't been able to go for scheduling reasons has made me SUPER cranky. There's something about just going to class and completely shutting your brain off. Me gusta mucho.
10) I must keep my room clean. I LOVED this goal too, and I've kept it. (Except for this very moment funny enough.) I take such pride in getting up in the morning and making my bed, and hanging any lingering clothing. I'm def not a clean freak, but now I'm somewhere in between and it feels GREAT!
10) Must do 15 girly things.
Ex list:
a) maintain manicure - done
b) maintain eyebrows - done
c) bikini wax (never done that one before)
d) go shoe shopping for myself and pay for my own shoes (I currently only own corporate sponsored shoes or domme shoes that my slaves bought me. I need to buy a pair for myself.) - done
e) girly slumber party - done
f) buy myself a new outfit for the purpose of impressing myself - done
g) buy a piece of art that inspires me - done
h) take a pottery class
i) cook dinner for friends - done
j) visit the lacma - done
k) host a chick flick marathon - done
l) go shopping with girlfriends and try on super girly clothing. The frillier the better. - done
m) take a bubble bath
n) visit a spa and pay for visit myself
o) purchase perfume - done
p) get a new tattoo (all big life changes require a tattoo) - done
q) meet someone that inspires me - done
r) make a new girlfriend
I still have two more things to do from the list, but again, considering I've been traveling for the last two weeks - I am going to give myself a little breathing room and wrap everything up this weekend.
I got back on OKC last night expecting this grand moment of relief. YES! I thought I would say, online dating!! I can have you again!!!!
Instead of being excited though, I felt a bit sad. I feel like a piece of me dies every day knowing that I am still in this place. I am such a bitch to men. I get so bored and disinterested and because I have no filter it is incredibly obvious. Then, if I am into a guy I freak thinking he must be emotionally unavailable. Most of the time, however, it turns out he's not but a lifestyle conflict arises based on my choices and it ends anyway.
I get SO FREAKING FRUSTRATED some days thinking I do ALL of this self work, and what do you get in the end? The reward from this detox happened in business and happened in my spirit. Again, my parents said when I saw them recently that they had honestly never seen me so happy. (And GENUINELY happy. Not just the crappy smile I put on my face for the first 24 years that lead to a nervous breakdown.) I feel great, there's no doubt about it, but it's still not enough. I'm 28, spending another Valentines day working, (after spending the last 28 years without a Valentine in general) and I just got out of a relationship with a plant.
Yes, a fucking plant.
None of this is normal, and I get that this is why people find me interesting ... but at the end of the day this is my real life. I'm not lonely any more because I have truly spectacular friends but I have this fear that I'm going to become this crazy obsessed capitalistic maneater. And even worse, I feel like I have no choice in the matter. It's like, this is what is in front of me. I thought FOR SURE I'd be STOKED to get out the gate again and just start dating, and now I'm not so sure. Does this mean even more self work? It's definitely created even more of a demand for my attention in general.
It's all so frustrating, and never ending. Google says I'm the "worlds best girlfriend" yet the only relationship I've had for the last 6 years has been in this last month and required watering once a week.
It's funny, I got recognized twice on the street today yet I look in the mirror and am no longer sure I recognize myself.
Wow, what an insanely busy week and some change now this has all been. Lots of eye opening results with an offset of some seriously droopy eyes.
So, as you all know by now, I have been on a 30 day dating detox. It stemmed from the understanding that to get to the place that I wanted to be in with a duderino, I had to become it myself. I've done absolutely EVERYTHING anyone can think of dating wise (fuck buddies,being a domme, threesomes, orgies, kissing girls, the whole 103 dates in 9 months thing), but what I had yet to explore was a true sense of self. What am I putting out there for these men? How am I presenting myself and is it in line with the type of men I am hoping to attract?
Running this website and being a chick that uses and documents experiences in online dating means that I am never long for company - but I never took a step back and thought about what all of that meant.
My life choices have greatly impeded a handful of really great guys from wanting to get involved with me, and it took me all this time to get to this place where I was finally able to put on my big girl pants and accept that fact and accept my actions.
<tangent> This is a great way b.t.dubs, to allow divine inspiration to come through you. Your noggin will always want to over analyze and question things. That's the human condition. Period end of sentence. It's your job to learn how to rise about that noise. Think of it like a magic act. You're told to look one way while in the other direction something magically appears. Inspiration and spiritual progression operate on a misdirection based paradigm. It hits you when you're not looking and as this little inspired thought that comes from a place you could never describe. I digress ... </tangent>
Last week I went back home to take care of some family sch-tuff. My parents were both not only so proud of everything I have accomplished (especially recently! dudes, USAToday quote AND Huffington Post/ AOL interview in just a matter of days!!) but also of my current state of mind.
I've never seen you like this before, said my mom. Your energy is so different right now. You glow, and you're so happy.
I KNOW I admitted back. I've stopped focusing on "getting a dude" and started to take care of myself again. Something I had been lacking in the last three years of hustling and launching this brand.
My mom then stared down at my necklace.
You need to get rid of that coin. It's not good for you to still hold on to him, she said.
<tangent>Remember Antonio? Well, on one of his many adventures in kidnapping me he took me shopping and bought (among clothing since I had literally nothing to wear) a coin necklace. The chain was too short for my taste so I put it on this charm necklace I had from my grandmother. See picture below:
While he didn't understand what it was that I did or why it mattered to me, I told him that in a practice of my commitment to intimacy I would never tell anyone where this came from and that anytime he saw me wearing it he would know that I was thinking of him.
Obvi, things between him and I didn't end well, but I still held onto the coin.
I'm funny in the sense that I don't like owning a lot of things, but the few things that I do have (especially jewelry pieces) I keep and wear for sentimental purposes. Every piece is very deliberate and has been a gift from someone that meant something to me.
This coin not only represented the love that I had for Antonio, but this honest relief that I wasn't a socio/psychopath.
For reals, on an empathy scale I was scared I was somewhere around Dexter level. I've gone out on literally hundreds of dates in the last few years and only felt any sort of compassion for less than 5. That's not normal.
I've discovered that this makes me a classic ENTJ but the processing of it all was extreme.
Keeping my commitment to Antonio, (regardless of how things ended between us) I hadn't told a single soul what the coin represented. It wasn't until Christmas when I saw my parents that I actually confessed the truth.
Who gave this to you? Asked my dad as he touched the coin.
Antonio, I admitted.
Both of my parents shot me a look that read, "what are you thinking daughter?"
It's not because of him though that I still wear it, I backtracked. I like it because it reminds me of this time where I was in love.
How is that not holding onto him? asked my dad.
It's not!! I said. It's just the reminder. </tangent>
You need to get rid of that, said my mother.
I shot back at her saying again, that it wasn't about the person but for love in general.
I then traveled back home Monday evening and by the time my bag hit the floor of my room I. was. exhausted.
Not wanting to go to bed too early though (to adjust my time clock back to California time), I decided to turn on the TV and catch up on some of my DVR recordings.
Sometime around midnight I started to fall asleep and decided to call it a night.
As I stood up from the couch the charm necklace swung back and practically hit me in the face. I was so depleted from traveling and work in general that I didn't put much thought or effort into what happened but instead just placed one hand on the necklace noticing that one of the charms was gone.
I looked down and saw the coin resting on the couch.
I started laughing thinking the universe just manifested what my mother had just told me.
I then thought about my day and how much activity transpired.
If that necklace had just fallen off somewhere in an airport I would have been devastated. It not only fell off now, when I was home and able to catch it falling, but the dynamic also gave me a choice.
I need to let all of it go, I thought. Be like the feather and be grateful for the experience but revert back to a place of tranquility, beauty, and total freedom.
And just like that, I left the coin off.
In fact, I'm not even wearing the necklace at all ...
(Something I haven't done since I got it.)
A new chapter means a new everything, I thought.
I held onto Romeo for eight years, and now I need to welcome this new chapter of extreme gratitude and appreciation for people just for existing. I need to learn how to float more and not grasp onto these people like they're the be all and end all. It's crazy how I am around so many people every day but the handful that make a impression make an EXTREME one and I never want to lose them from my life.
The disconnect comes from the fact that we're all insular beings and we all have our own shiznat going on. We cross paths when there is like energy and it is my current mission to focus on self and on only those things that are going to allow me to grow into the future and not dwell on the past.
So now that the coin is gone what have I done?
I put on some more of my family pieces to reflect some SERIOUS bling bling.
I've always been slightly awkward with the amount of diamonds and family pieces that have been passed on but now I'm just going to eff it and enjoy the abundance.
I may be a minimalist, but I also need to appreciate the gifts that have been given to me. I resented them before because I thought all of it translated to materialism and that was something I wasn't about. However, in wearing these pieces for the last few days, I've noticed looking down as I type this extreme sense of pride. Our lives are ALWAYS abundant but it isn't until we recognize and embrace said abundance that more can be generated.
I can't focus on the lack of dude, but rather the blessings and gifts that I do have allowing them to amplify.
I hope I'm right, then again what do any of us really know anyway?
Well, technically speaking it wasn't meth but THC being extracted from weed that caused the explosion. Apparently this is a new "thing." So insane.
Friday marked a milestone in my life. For the first time, ever, I cooked for other people.
And not just a few people ... a dinner party for EIGHT!
I called my mom prior to ask for two of my favorite recipes.
You're calling ME for a recipe? She said on the phone laughing.
Yes, mother. I said.
Wow, you must be ready to make a change. This is a first.
I've lived on my own for 11 years and lived in Los Angeles in general for the last 9. Never once ... and I mean not ONCE have I called my mom asking for a recipe. Again, all of the women in my family are phenomenal cooks so why should I have ever messed with perfection? My job was to develop my own niche (which I did at age 2 when I started typing) and figure out what made me tick.
Either way, I am now at a stage in my life where if I wanted to get serious with a dude I'm sure some sort of cooking would be involved. Might as well learn now, I thought as I was writing out my dating detox list.
Friday afternoon I went to Trader Joes and picked up all my ingredients. To my surprise to feed eight, it only cost me $50! Check out what I got for that ...
Prep time is minimal explained my mom. 5 minutes or less for everything.
Great, I said back.
I then worked right up until my roommate got home before I finally began prepping everything.
Julie came over to look at the instructions.
I started laughing. Look, I didn't realize I wrote these out on the same page as info I was collecting for a project involving a helicopter rental. So random ...
<tangent> I write down all of my thoughts in one massive notebook. It takes me about a year to go through it, but this way I don't jot things down on an envelope or something and lose it. Everything is in order and is dated. Super efficient! </tangent>
Around 7, everything was set and ready to go in the oven. (The party was set to start at 7:30.)
Crap, I said to Julie, I forgot to get parking passes. (We live in a restricted area.) I gotta jet out to get some.
I then grabbed a hoodie (as it was raining) and RANNNNNNNNN down the street to grab the passes.
After a few moments, I noticed a helicopter appear above my head.
Weird, I thought, but it's LA. Whatever.
I then signed for the passes and walked back. At this point about 10 minutes had gone by and suddenly that one helicopter had become five.
In LA you MIIGGHHHTTT have an accident that would require 1 or 2 news crew helicopters. If there is a celebrity involved you MIIGGHHHTTT have 3, but 5?!?!?! FIVE?!?!! Are you kidding?!?!?! Mind you too, they were right over my head. Having marked the one year anniversary of being in the wrong place at the wrong time, I was particularly sensitive about not having a repeat experience.
I finally get back in the house and tell Julie (and my buddy Steph who had also arrived) what I just experienced.
I feel like I just came back from war, I admitted. Between the rain, the people freaking out on the street, and the helicopters that was quite the experience.
What's going on? Julie asked. Steph and I were just wondering what all the helicopters were for.
Let's get on twitter and find out, Steph said.
Julie then pulled up WehoDaily's twitter account (which is amazing and hilarious for everything you ever need to know about West Hollywood) and right at the top of the page was a RT from someone claiming there was a meth lab explosion in their building a handful of blocks away from us.
No way, Julie said. This must be a joke.
A few more RTs came in re: the meth lab and we all started to freak. No WAY there was a meth lab down the street. shut. the. front. door.
The helicopters at this point were almost deafening.
My neighbor and buddy Amanda Coolong then knocked on the door.
What is going ON?! She said.
Apparently a meth lab exploded.
WHAT?! She said. That's nuts.
Come on in, I say to her helping her with her coat. I can't stay, she said. I just wanted to say hey. My friend brought another friend and I didn't want to impose with an extra guest (and he's a guy).
Girl are you KIDDING?! I said back. I'm an irish cook. You KNOW I made extra. The more the merrier!! Bring him!!
Are you sure? she said.
Of course!!! As long as he doesn't mind hanging around with all girls this evening.
I doubt he will mind, she said with a smile. Alrite, well let me go and at least get some wine.
Perfect, I said.
About a half hour later the rest of the party arrived along with my other friends.
I had held things over in the stove waiting for everyone's arrival. I lifted the chicken up taking my first sample to make sure everything was cooked alrite.
I took a bite, and FREAKED!!! Omg!! This is delicious!!
I then filled up everyone's wine (I drank agua) and served my friends.
For the first time in my life, I truly understood why my parents loved hosting so many dinner parties as a kid. There was something so viscerally appealing about being able to feed my friends and have them eat something I made.
I totally get why people do this, I thought. This feels GREAT!!!!
I waited an hour before posting on Facebook btw about people eating. I wanted to give myself extra time just incase anyone keeled over. I'm not kidding.
During dinner the topic of Ben Fold's chatroulette video came up. One of the guests hadn't seen it before.
Here, let me get my laptop, I said. It's a great vid.
I then set up my macbook pro on one of the chairs and youtubed the vid.
I had seen the video before, but the group started laughing collectively at the randomness that only Chatroulette could provide.
Three quarters of the way through the video, someone suggested getting on Chatroulette.
YES!!! I said. I haven't been on that site since it came out a few years back.
Who's game to see some penis? I asked the group.
All the girls screamed YES as the one guy remained silent.
(He was hilarious btw, and what a trooper to sit through girls night. We did NOT hold back!!! Topics ranged from dildos, to vibrators, boobs, and startups. Clearly.)
I then logged in, and come to find out Chatroulette now makes you create an account and impedes you from automatically going live on a webcam. You first have to have two 10 minute conversations before you are allowed to get on cam.
Alrite, fine, I said with the laptop on my lap. Let's just create the account.
It then instructed me to upload a picture.
What picture should I use? I asked the group.
I then saw on my desktop the picture of me and my boyfriend Walter ...
This is perfect, I said to the group.
We then logged in on a mission to have at least two 10 minute conversations just so we could get on cam and see some penis action.
Here was our first exchange ...
We couldn't stop laughing at all of the sexual plant innuendos ...
The group then started shouting out certain words I had to incorporate into the chat. We. Were. Dying. with how into these guys got.
After a few minutes, I realized we were somewhere around the 10 minute mark. Their platform didn't reflect our time spent, but I figured that was just because it's chatroulette and I highly doubt they care.
I then said bye to our first friend and refreshed the page to check our status.
I then pulled up this dude that had penguins as his default photo.
PENGUINS!!! I shouted to the room.
I then told the guy we were waiting for our second 10 minute conversation. At this point it was 10:11 and I asked if we could keep talking until 10:21.
Not a problem, he said.
Super sweet little dude. He's from Mexico and his biggest passion is soccer.
How awesome! I said.
Time went by pretty quickly and at 10:22 (I allocated an extra minute for any sort of computer error) I bid our penguin friend adieu and attempted to get on cam.
All of the girls gathered around at this point.
First up was this dude ...
He was hot but not on cam.
We were bored and wanted to see some penis.
NEXT!!!
Chatroulette now has a "drawing" option, so our next friend challenged us to a game of tic-tac-toe.
The buggar cheated. We weren't amused.
NEXT!
We were all pretty amazed at the variety of avatars users had selected.
WE ARE ON A MISSION THOUGH!!! I reminded the girls.
Must.
See.
Penis.
Aw, it's a girl. Who knew there were more of you on this site!!!
Penis though. Penis! Penis! Penis! NEXT!!!
Then we came to this dude, who not only read to us, but could do KILLER voice over impressions. Like SPOT ON!!!!
Do you have a youtube channel? I asked.
No, he said.
Why not? I pressed.
I don't know, he said.
Well, what do you do for a living?
I'm in law school, he said.
Is it your passion? I asked.
No, he said. I wanted to be a pilot.
Then why aren't you?
Because of my family. I have to have a job that pays well.
Do you have children or a wife? I ask.
No, he said. But I want to one day.
THIS MAKES NO SENSE!!! I exclaimed. You're sacrificing your passion for a family that you don't even have yet???
We then swapped Facebook info as I explained to him that we were on a mission to see a penis.
Good talking to you, and send me your youtube video when you make it.
Alrite, he said, then adding me as well on Facebook.
This guy wouldn't show his peen either!!! WTF?! I screamed to the group. Chatroulette used to be all about the penis spotting. This is making me terribly sad!!!
Kyle, the guy in the group, then chimed in.
In all my life I've never seen a girl work so hard to see a penis.
I AM ON A MISSION!!! I SCREAMED!!! I am going to make this happen!!!
Next up was this dude.
Lemme see your penis, I said without a single ounce of shame.
He started laughing.
I don't think you understand that I'm not kidding. I want to see your penis.
I then tried a different tactic switching to animal sounds to seduce the males ...
Rawwrrrrr ... Mooooo ... BBAAAHHHHH ... I said with a completely straight face.
My new friend didn't budge at all.
You're no fun, I said. NEXT!
I tried the same tactic again.
He was not impressed.
Let me see your tits, he said, in exchange.
I'm not flashing you, I said back. I don't think you understand the nature of our dynamic. I'm a girl on chatroulette, your purpose in this relationship is to show me your penis. You then get the gratification that a female has seen your penis for the evening and then we both move on.
I then made hand gestures involving an imaginary penis and my mouth.
I got nothing.
NEXT!!!
Again, with a completely straight face I asked this guy to show me his penis.
Come on, I cooed. Just a little. Take it out and show me.
He couldn't stop laughing at how serious I was.
At this point I had spent an hour on Chatroulette and decided to throw in the towel. I was extremely diasppointed but apparently they have cleaned up the social site. They now have an option to flag someone for being inappropriate and chatroulette has become more of a "meeting ground" for skype. All of the guys just kept trying to get us to get on skype. I don't get what this site has become!! What poor branding. At least if you are known as being the site for penises you should OWN IT and ENABLE THE PENISES!!!! Makes no sense to me and the platform in general is complete crapola.
No. freaking. bueno.
Either way ... the party then continued as we all gabbed the night away.
I can't remember a time I had so much fun, I thought. Great friends, good food ... this is beyond amazing.
Then around 12:30 the party started to die down and the girls that were spending the night decided to get in their PJs.
We then put on The Legend of Billie Jean and started cheering on the cult classic.
Sometime very late, I realized I could scratch off three items on my dating detox list if I continued to watch another chick flick before bed.
Make dinner for friends? DONE!
Girly slumber party? DONE!
Chick flick marathon? DONE!
I then popped on How to Lose a Guy in 10 days on Netflix as I fell asleep.
The next morning, I recovered by spending most of the day in bed, followed by finally dragging my lazy bones up and out and cleaning up the remains from the party.
I can't remember a night where I had such innocent fun. I feel so INCREDIBLY blessed to have such wonderful friends in my life, I thought.
I then worked the rest of the afternoon and took a spin class. On my walk back, I got a text from a buddy of mine asking to meet up. He's a pretty well known actor but has the WORST online reputation management I have ever seen.
I've done nothing with it, he said. I need to have some sort of presence.
Yes, yes you do, I said back. Meet me at the Surly Goat. 10:00.
Perfect, he texted back.
I then grabbed a cab over to the goat and scanned the room looking for my friend.
As I looked in one of the back areas, I saw this guy FLINCH when I looked past him.
Without making an obvious move that I recognized his freak out, I figured it must be someone that I dated. Deciding to be a bit more sly, I casually slinked off to the bar to wait for my friend but still remained in eye sight of the guy.
When he wasn't looking I peered over the crowd to see who it is.
We dated pretty intensely. I invited him out with me and my friends on a few occasions, and he was incredibly romantic.
I told him over and over for the months that we dated that I was a lifecaster and I documented my life on my website.
I know, he said.
No, but do you REALLY understand what that means? I pressed. Have you read my site at all?
I don't need to, he would say. I've glanced and it's all fine.
Well, come to find out, it wasn't fine. He blew me off twice when we were about to have sex. (He wanted to wait and make it special.)
After the second time, I had had enough. Blow me off once shame on you. Blow me off twice? Shame on me. I don't need this shiznat.
Either way, we didn't end things very well. I was angry at him for not listening to me when I told him OVER AND OVER what I did.
He said "this was next level." And not normal "blogging."
I normally leave things with people on a note that is amicable. I can't say enough kind things about the men I've dated. I've learned so much from each of them and am very grateful to have had the life experience.
This guy however, wasted my time. It frustrated me. I invested THREE MONTHS in something that if he took two seconds to just look at would have realized made him uncomfortable.
My friend arrived moments later.
I started laughing as I grabbed his arm telling him the story.
Is some dude going to kick my ass right now? he asked.
HA! No, I said. He's a smart guy, not a fighter.
I then realized that every dude under the age of 35 knows my friend. People come up to him NON-STOP anytime he's out, so the fact that the finance guy fit that bill made me laugh.
He's not only going to know who you are, but he's going to think this is a date. I am winning at a game I didn't even know I was in, I said.
My friend looked at me and said, you're insane, you know that right?
I KNOW!!! I said back, but this feels GREAT!!! I never get these moments.
We then spent the next few hours talking about his web presence.
I'm embarrassed for you, I said in an extremely blunt manner.
Is it that bad? He asked.
YES!!! I said. How can you not get on things like this? There are SO many things you could be doing.
It's just not my scene, he said.
I get that part, I explained.
We were then interrupted.
I just gotta say, man, I love you. Said the guy next to us who was making eyes at my bud the entire time we had been sitting.
He was extremely gracious (as always) but this only further proved my point.
Look at how people respond when you're out in public. This reaction does NOT translate online. You have to put stuff out there for people to find when they search you. WHY HAS NO ONE HAD THIS CONVERSATION WITH YOU?!?!?!
I got super heated in that moment.
I've never seen this side of your personality, he explained. This must be how you are with your slaves.
I started laughing. Dude, I've been KILLING it in business these last few weeks during my dating detox (I had told him about that previously). I feel GREAT and am in SUCH a no bullshit mood.
If you want help, I'd be happy to put something together for you.
If not, no hard feelings and I value the friendship.
The guy next to us then got a little closer.
Shall I leave you with your bro-mance? I whispered.
He started laughing embarassed.
Let's get out of here.
The next morning, I woke up bright and early and hit up the LACMA. Thanks to TNTML bud Casandra I found out that they were hosting a free admission day yesterday.
I put on the XX on spotify and just mellowed out staring at all of the works of art.
After a few hours I then decided to hit up Santa Monica to see if I could find a work of art that inspired me. (Which is also on my list.) I'm super passionate about giving back to local vendors as much as possible and Santa Monica and Venice are host to quite a few of them.
To my disappointment after a few hours I hadn't found anything that "spoke" to me, but I did finally purchase perfume!
I'm of the firmest belief in having a "signature scent." Not being a perfume person myself, I wanted to educate myself on the market and see what I thought matched my personality.
I spent over an hour in Sephora and left COMPLETELY over stimulated.
I just want something like Love Spell from Victorias Secret, but less body splash and more "adult."
I then popped across the street into VS and was helped by a very lovely attendant who helped me find this ...
So now where I am on my 15 items to do list?
a) maintain manicure - DONE!
b) maintain eyebrows
c) bikini wax (never done that one before)
d) go shoe shopping for myself and pay for my own shoes (I currently only own corporate sponsored shoes or domme shoes that my slaves bought me. I need to buy a pair for myself.) DONE!!!
e) girly slumber party - DONE!!!
f) buy myself a new outfit for the purpose of impressing myself - DONE!!!
g) buy a piece of art that inspires me
h) take a pottery class
i) cook dinner for friends - DONE!!!
j) visit the lacma - DONE!!
k) host a chick flick marathon - DONE!!!
l) go shopping with girlfriends and try on super girly clothing. The frillier the better.
m) take a bubble bath
n) visit a spa and pay for visit myself
o) purchase perfume - DONE!!
p) get a new tattoo (all big life changes require a tattoo) - DONE!!!
q) meet someone that inspires me
r) make a new girlfriend
9 things done and today marks the halfway point!!
I can't stress how awesome these last few weeks have been. I'm not sure if I even want to go back to dating to be honest. I'm so focused on self right now and working extremely, extremely hard. This entire experience has been life changing and for anyone else at a point of extreme frustration I would HIGHLY recommend just doing a detox. It's not about "the list" per say, it's more about the inspiration in between. Having items on a to-do list over a finite period of time just gives the ego and the brain things to process. The soul is then free to be inspired and you never know how far down the rabbit hole THAT is going to lead.
Much love and many blessings friends!!! Thanks for sharing this very eye opening life experience!! Who knew I could cook?!?!?! YAY LIFE!!!
This is either going to be a COMPLETELY awesome evening, or a COMPLETE mess. There is going to be no in-between.
Watching TV with my boyfriend the plant. I've decided to name him Walter.So, part of my dating detox is cooking dinner for friends. Not a problem, I sent an invite out to a bunch of peeps ... to my surprise though everyone RSVPed. Now my little dinner party is a pretty big dinner party and all of the sudden I am going from being a virginal cooker for 1 to a master chef for 8.
My mother and my grandmother are/were INCREDIBLE cooks. Instead of growing up wanting to follow in their footsteps, I realized early on my value add would be in developing some sort of niche. Rather than spend time in the kitchen trying to process things I didn't have strong value in, I would instead hide out in the home office and spend hours and hours and hours on the computer.
My mom would say over and over, but don't you want to learn how to cook?
No, I would reply back sharply. The only thing I will ever have to learn to make in life is reservations.
I totally wasn't kidding either.
I was such a princess as a kid.
Either way, on the "path to self" I decided it would be cool to get one of my mom's recipes and actually try and make it. Also never having cooked for people before it only made sense to do it for my friends as well.
Now, this is happening. Tonight, I am hosting not only dinner but a girly slumber party and a chick flick marathon (also on the list).
I have to admit there is something truly beautiful about doing a detox. I can't remember a time I felt so healthy. I spend my days working, and evenings either out with friends or at a spin class. I feel like the entire process is really grounding and allowing me to focus on strengths instead of being reminded how horrible I am at dating. It never occurred to me how much it messed with my self esteem.
Dudes, I was walking down Santa Monica blvd yesterday after closing a new sponsorship & having two crazy awesome meetings and I caught myself TOTALLY strutting my stuff. I had this swagger in my step that I get when I'm domming a slave, but just out and about in my normal people shoes? That was a first.
I can't stress how great all of this feels. It's not about the list or the finite amount of time I have given myself to execute - it's the nurturing of self. I've never done this before!!! Sure, it feels weird sitting on a couch at 11:30 at night stone cold sober talking to a plant, but everything that didn't feel weird has lead me to this place of still being single and emotionally unavailable. Before I can be with anyone else I have to reach a place of love and contentment within myself. And not just professionally!! (I got that shiznat on lock) It's gotta be personal. I've released all of the shame I still held onto from childhood and now it's time to rock my awesome and really. freaking. own. it.
Now if you'll excuse me, but I have to go and jump on my bed for 4:07 while listening to Nelly's Hot In Herre.
Posts like the one I wrote on Monday ALWAYSSSS take a lot out of me.(Which artistically is a really beautiful thing since I know it means I am pushing myself.) The human condition tells us that vulnerability is never a good idea, especially when emotionally you are so guarded (like myself). It doesn't excite me to admit that this is where I am in life, but being honest with myself is the first step in making a change.
2) No swearing. Having difficulty with this one. BUT so far, I've put $50 in my curse jar. (which will be donated to a local charity at the end of the detox.)
3) I must get up every morning and put on makeup. This feels GREAT btw!!! There is something awesome about looking "good" by my own personal definition even if I don't see anyone on that given day.
4) Get contacts. Haven't done this yet.
5) Get my car back. No more city bus. Haven't done this yet.
6) No slaves. Haven't seen or talked to my slaves since this began. I've channeled all of the energy I would use in domination though on myself. Super powerful stuff.
7) No drinking. I drank at a networking event last week, but other than that I have to admit it feels GREAT physically not drinking on such a regular basis. I never realized how many extra calories I was consuming and I've acquired a liking to unsweeted ice tea.
8) Healthy eating. I am KILLING this one. I have been eating SO FREAKING HEALTHY!!! Salads, powerbars, I'm also taking a multi-vitamin every day AND paid OUT OF POCKET for a Dr.'s visit. That cost almost $600!!! Was totally worth it though knowing I am clean as a whistle!
9) Visit the gym everyday. Again, KILLING this one too. I've actually been going to the gym since the beginning of the year but it's finally starting to show since I stopped all the junk food.
PS. A super tough looking guy in my spin class today had a tiny seahorse tattooed on his back. Looks like someone lost a bet!!
10) I must keep my room clean. My bedroom is spotless and I get up in the morning and make my bed every day.
Must do 15 girly things ...
a) maintain manicure - DONE!
b) maintain eyebrows
c) bikini wax
d) go shoe shopping for myself and pay for my own shoes- DONE!
e) girly slumber party (scheduled for this Friday)
f) buy myself a new outfit for the purpose of impressing myself - DONE! (see below)
g) buy a piece of art that inspires me
h) take a pottery class
i) cook dinner for friends (scheduled for this Friday)
j) visit the lacma (scheduled for Saturday. Thanks to Casandra for the heads up on free admission!)
k) host a chick flick marathon (scheduled for Friday)
l) go shopping with girlfriends and try on super girly clothing. The frillier the better.
m) take a bubble bath
n) visit a spa and pay for visit myself
o) purchase perfume
p) get a new tattoo - DONE!!!
q) meet someone that inspires me
r) make a new girlfriend
8 things will be done by the end of the week which puts me directly in line for finishing before my self imposed 30 day deadline.
Yesterday was awesome. I not only got the "outfit for the sole purpose of impressing myself" ...
click the screenshot to comment on Facebook
BUT I picked up my boyfriend for the next, however long ...
It came to me in meditation that I needed to grow from love. My shaman would tell me that all the time during our sessions, but I always assumed it would just "happen" from someone else. It didn't click that it had to start with me first.
This plant is also very symbolic. One, because the vase it is in looks like my tattoo of the enso(which I got when I marked the first chapter of this journey) but I love that this next chapter (which this plant and the feather concept represent) is literally growing from it. I had to experience chapter one before I understood the value of chapter two.
ALSO, this is a lucky bamboo plant. It symbolizes good fortune and prosperity, and new business ventures.
Could this BE any more awesome???
So, now, I am going to stare and talk to this loverly plant every day and send loving energy to it. Sure, it sounds kinda loco, but think of the water study Masaru Emoto conducted. He proved that molecular structure can actually change via loving energy. Humans are mostly made up of water so if I can love this plant, I can also learn to love myself which will HOPEFULLY make me less emotionally unavailable.
That is my hypothesis at least. I needed a tangible representation of love.
I figure I have nothing to lose at this point. Clearly everything that I am doing isn't working, so what else do I have to lose in this scenario? Worst case is that I kill the thing and have to start over. We shall see.
It occurred to me the other day that I had a super difficult 2012. Don't get me wrong, I will ALWAYS choose to see the bright side of things, and count my blessings and abundance - but I can't remember a time when so many doors and chapters just SLLAMMMEEEDD shut.
I also got slut shamed by a Gawker owned blog, and had it syndicated across countless automotive industry sites. That was my first go-round btw with this sudden rush of press. I stood my ground, and was grateful for the press but talk about a moment where you REALLY have to stand up for yourself.
I was faced with the sudden reality that a lot of things were changing in my life, and I couldn't hold on to them, I had to just go along with everything.
I think this is called "adulthood."
I had lunch with my shaman today (corporate sponsored too! Thanks Kitchen 24!) and updated him on all my progress.
I'm on a dating detox, I admitted.
You mean you're finally doing what I told you to do a year ago? He said cheeky.
I'm very willful and stubborn, I admitted.
It's AMAZING though how much more time I have available for friends and work in general. I've never been so busy and had SO many things click both personally and professionally. I'm super selfish right now and it's working in my favor. I haven't felt this good since I started the site.
I never realized how much dating actually hurt me. Date after date I would always go in SO POSITIVE and one by one I was left disappointed. I've met an enormous amount of amazing people, don't get me wrong, but nothing worked out for one reason or another. The problem was never with them, it was me.
You had to stop seeking and wanting, he said.
I KNOW!! I said super excited. I was looking for someone to fill this void, when I actually had to learn to fill it myself. I need to literally grow from love. (I also told him about my plant.)
I'm not worried about you, he said. You're already doing great, but a guy will only come along when you are ready. He will be this extra bit of dessert in your life. Never the main course.
I started laughing.
You're so right, I said.
This all feels so good, I said quietly. I'm finally taking care of just me and focusing on my strengths. I have moments though where I catch myself wanting to cry or get upset about something. It's all still a work in progress and I have to remember that.
He smiled.
The modern day shaman @realityadjacent on twitterI wanted to tell you how much you've changed my life. I could never be at this place if it weren't for you.
Happy to help, he said nonchalantly.
Consciousness fascinates me. We start off as wee ones, then go through "domestication" courtesy of our parents. That is then perpetuated in our early 20s when we work all of the crappy jobs to make ends meet and justify degrees that our parents paid a lot of money for. Then, at some point, we realize (hopefully) it's all crap. The only thing we ever have to be in life is who we truly are and the only journey worth taking is the one inside of ourselves. It's SO backwards from the way we are taught growing up.
I think of consciousness like an apartment. (Again, I work well with tangibles.) When you start out you're in a studio. Then one day, through self work you realize oh wow! this is actually a 1 bedroom!!!! Then you stay there for a bit and again through more self work and meditation you see another door leading to a 2 bedroom and so on and so on.
We are the only ones in life that will ever define what size apartment we live in.
Trippy stuff, man.
And that's where I am today.
My tattoo is still healing. I HATE this stage since it's so itchy and weird feeling, but like everything else, that too shall pass.
As cheesy as it sounds I'm just SO GRATEFUL for this present moment and all of these incredible opportunities that keep coming my way. Coming from a place of love versus logic is so reverse for me, but for the first time in a very long time, I am happy that I know nothing.
Wednesday, February 13, 2013 at 8:08PM
