<editorsnote>Hi, I'm Jen Friel, and we here at TNTML examine the lives of nerds outside of the basements and into the social media, and dating world. We have over 75 peeps that write about their life in real time. (Real nerds, real time, real deal.) Sit back, relax, and enjoy some of the stories!!</editorsnote>
<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Eric. He is a MAASSTTEERRR social dynamics expert that will be talking about his experiences in the field from both an expert, and experience perspective. He's not just saying "this is how to get the girl" he's here to share his actual life stories and lessons learned from them. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT ERIC !!</editorsnote>
#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @Redolpho
Success has been an overwhelming theme for me the last couple weeks. After letting go and talking about the two things that I never talked about I don't have any more secrets. There is nothing that I won't talk about publicly at this point. With that being accomplished my thoughts have moved to success. Success in my pursuit of the Tandem10 and life in general. Success is such an ominous and esoteric term. For some, it's that thing that they know they want but they have no idea what it is. For others they know exactly what it is and are working to achieve it. Success for people can often be about money, or happiness, or power. Even these terms are very vague because money, or rather an amount of money, can be very different for different people. Happiness and power are equally vague.
I started looking at my past but now in a different light. In the depths of depression I would often look back and curse myself for my thousands of failures. The definition for success changed often but I think that the whole time I knew what my definition was and I'll get to how I am achieving that later in this piece. On a walk with my business partner I was discussing with her what I had written and she asked me if I had a fear of success. Her words carried a weight that pulled a chain and turned on a light in my consciousness. So I did what I normally do and researched it. After reading a number of online articles it became very clear to me that I find comfort in NOT being successful. This was obviously a very shocking revelation. I, in-fact, am most comfortable at the brink of success. I found that I sit firmly in a position of perceived potential. What I mean is I have kept myself in a position of being on the cusp of great things but never achieving them because part of me wants people to say that I have potential. Maybe all I want is the validation but after I achieve one thing than what happens? I have to achieve again and that ever-escalating achievement climb is intimidating and scary.
In order to keep my feet firmly on the cusp I would do things like tell myself I was going to fail when I neared anything resembling success. I would sabotage myself by saying yes to situations that I knew would inhibit my ability to succeed. This was drinking sometimes; this was hanging out with girls when I should have been working. Sometimes it was masturbating as a form of procrastination or wandering around aimlessly on Facebook. Then, when I fucked up I would beat myself vigilantly for being a "dumb ass", or whatever term that I used at that time. I am realizing now that in order to stay present and to keep an unwavering pace towards success that forgiveness is paramount.
Forgiveness is what keeps my head clear of self-deprecation and focused on what is important for me to get to my desired end. So with that realized I have used this approach recently in my life and have found it to be very positive. I keep my mind focused on my next successful outcome and if I make mistakes along the way I assess what I could have done in prevention, forgive myself, and embrace the next opportunity.
Moving forward now I am set on achieving something I've meant to do for a long time now. Travel. I have not lost sight of my tandem10 goals to ride 10,000 miles across South East Asia and am working these two desires in together. I am very excited to announce I'm moving to Australia. I’ll be purchasing my one-way ticket in the next two weeks for sometime in June and then I'm gone. I don't know when I'll be coming back. I'm leaving to raise money for the Tandem10 and travel as well. I have felt bored in LA for a long time now. I love this city so dearly but after 9 years I'm ready for a change. I will miss my friends deeply and for the weddings that I won't be in attendance for I apologize. The second that I made this decision I knew it was the right one. There was no doubt. Success for me is defined in exploration. If I'm not traveling and exploring than I'm not being successful so it brings me great joy to be once again on the cusp of success. This time I will succeed, I have no doubts.
Thanks for reading,
Eric
<tangent> For anyone who's thought about taking my social dynamics course, now is the time. I will not be back in states or LA anytime soon so let’s make it happen. If you're on the fence contact me and let me share some testimonials with you. I'd love to teach a couple more workshops before I leave. </tangent>
This website has been such a blessed journey for me. I've had my eyes ripped open WIDE with these (sometimes extreme) life experiences, and adventures. It was my hope though to be able to provide similar opportunities/experiences for others who were brave enough to really get down and dirty allowing them to experience personal growth on THEIR own terms. Eric has done just that. When he first started writing he sought coaching and wanted me to guide him on his journey. Having been down the path of "pushing" people before, I knew it didn't exactly work. My job as editor of this website is to be as honest as possible with my own experiences but not mandate that others do the same. Being transparent, for me, has been the smartest and most freeing thing I have EVER done. Now getting the joy of seeing someone else start down that path of brutal honesty makes me cry. (It is NOT an easy thing being this honest not only with yourself, but with your friends, family, and the rest of the world.) This is exactly what I have been seeking and exactly what I wanted from this community. I am proud to present you all with this post today, and even more proud to call Eric a friend. K. I go now.
#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @Redolpho
First a quick update, since I wrote my first TNTML piece at the beginning of the year on my dealings with suicide things have been very different. I can't put into words my gratitude for all the people that have reached to me with their very kind words. It has given me a deep strength to pursue the Tandem10 and my pursuit is in full swing. The support that I have gotten has also given me strength to dive deep into myself and find a comfort in the person that I am. This piece is an extension of that. I have been procrastinating the posting of this piece because it scares the shit out of me. I decided at the onset of this exploration that I would pursue that things that scared me head on so here I am. Discussing my sexuality is something that pulls at the most vulnerable areas of myself and as I follow my nose I feel that this is the next step in finding a deep love for myself in all the ways that make me who I am. I said in my last piece that I would trust the world once more and tell you something that I rarely talked about so here we go...
I remember being in high school and walking over to my best friends house. When he didn't answer I walked around back and entered his house through the back door. That's when I saw him dressed in his sisters clothes. My jaw dropped and he proceeded to walk me back to his room to show me the neatly folded assortment of womens clothes he kept in his closet. My friend was a man's man. If you asked me who in my high school was gay he would have been the last person that I named but there he was. I still remember exactly what he was wearing, the image is burned into my brain.
Immediately afterward I went into denial and just pretended as if nothing had happened. We remained friends but never really spoke about it again. It's not that I cared so much, but that I had no understanding of whatever it was he was going through. I grew up in a really conservative city (Fresno) where the f word (not fuck) was used commonly and acceptance of things other than heterosexuality was uncommon. I didn't know what to do. After high school I went off to college but continued playing in my high school band. I'd return back to Fresno regularly for shows and every time I came back there was a new rumor about my friend. Our relationship had become distant and I heard from him less and less often. He showed up at a near sold out show in Fresno looking skinnier than I had ever seen him. I knew something was wrong but I wasn't sure what it was.
A couple years later during a time when I lived in Fresno again he came over for a surprise birthday party my girlfriend threw for me. He stayed after everyone else had left and that's when I found exactly what was going on. His whole life felt as if he was born into the wrong body. Because neither the city that he lived in, nor his family or friends were supportive of this, he dived into a downward spiral of drug use. Also since he had no support system he participated in very risky sex acts that led to a brutal gang rape. He had no one to talk to, no one to tell him that it was all ok, and that he wasn't alone. No one was there to tell him that he was loved for exactly who he was.
I waited for the day that I'd get a phone call of someone telling me that he had killed himself, someone had killed him, or he'd overdosed. Luckily that day never came and he is now a she. She has overcome drug addiction and found someone that loves her. She's engaged and the smile that I see on her face is something that I had almost forgot existed, it's real and deep.
The reason that I am writing about my sexuality is because of this story. I'm not gay or transgender but I know what it's like to feel out of place and alone in your sexuality. It has brought me a lot of happiness to see how far we have come in our acceptance of human sexuality but we still have much further to go. This is my small step to help in this movement...
I arrived to meet a three friends for drinks and some dinner. After a couple drinks we headed to a dance club and I was given something to enhance the fun of the night. I am not one to partake in extracurricular fun often but sometimes I am just in the mood to get crazy and this was one of those nights. After a half an hour when the vibrations of the music were hitting us a little deeper and we were dancing the night away I saw the two girls making out with each other. I had a feeling tonight was about to get wild but I had no idea. The other guy and myself looked at each other with smiles on our faces and let the two girls enjoy each other. The night progressed and things continued to get hot and heavy. I made out with one girl and he made out with the other, and then we switched, and then the girls made out with each other. As the bar was nearing closing time the other guy said that was going to get a hotel room so we could continue the party and we were all ok with that. We made a last minute run to the liquor store and headed to the hotel.
We put on some music and continued dancing around a little but when we started making out with each other there was nothing to hold us back from escalating the situation. Things begun to get hot and heavy quickly and clothing started to fall to the floor. We moved to the bed and body parts were everywhere. That's when things took an unexpected turn. I looked down and the person that was going down on me was not one of the girls. I was somewhat in shock but didn't stop him. It turned me on and I continued to enjoy the encounter that was happening. The night continued to progress, things continued to escalate and when I awoke the next morning I had confirmed something I had always known. I wasn't totally straight.
My whole life I knew that wasn't totally straight but to say I was confused was an understatement. I never walked around looking at guys thinking, "Wow, he's hot," and I never had any crushes on anyone other than girls. But still, what I fantasized about wasn't just women. I spent most of my life in denial and when I did fantasize about same sex encounters I would be disgusted with myself. Thoughts of whether or not I was gay always circulated in my head and I thought if I ever experienced a same sex encounter that I would some how become instantly gay. This was not the case. After my spicy night I felt exactly the same as I did before but at least I knew. I knew I wasn't gay, I knew I wasn't bisexual (I don't have a desire to be in a relationship with a man), but I knew that I fell somewhere in between.
I have a theory about human sexuality and it's that human sexual behavior follows something like a bell curve. Homosexuals fall on one end and heterosexuals on the other with a whole lot of in between. As popular culture has come to widely accept female sexual expression and females are more outspoken about same sex encounters I have seen how many women have indulged themselves in one way or another. Because males exude such a greater amount of sexual deviance I can only assume that the amount of guys secretly harboring same sex fantasies is significant.
Historically male-to-male sexual contact has been a reoccurring theme. But today, the risks of being out spoken are great. Many people are still under the assumption that men are either gay or straight with nothing in between. I used to think this but I have personally found it to be untrue. For males, the stigma that accompanies heterosexual deviance is emasculating. There is also the big fear of a loss of love from friends and family. I am experiencing all of these but I'm writing this piece because, for lack of a better word, I think it's bullshit. Humans are extremely sexual creatures and one of the few that have sex for pleasure. We are also the most intellectually advanced creatures on the planet so I think that it follows that our sexual variance would be wide.
I have personally seen what can happen when someone is unable to express themselves sexually. It leads to risky behavior that can be seriously detrimental and can result in everything from STD's to rape to heartbreak to drug addiction. After my sexual encounter I went back again, this time I was sober and it was still just as fun. I don't see a reason to keep it a secret anymore. Every time that I've met someone who I trusted enough to tell them it makes me feel good. I don't know whether it's pride, or a greater sense of self-confidence, or comfort but this is also my next step in trusting the world. This has been a very hard piece to write and the thought of posting it scares me greatly. I hope the world accepts me for who I am and treats me the same way that they have treated me before. If there are other guys out there who are struggling with their sexuality you are not alone so feel free to contact me, my email is below.
<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Eric. He is a MAASSTTEERRR social dynamics expert that will be talking about his experiences in the field from both an expert, and experience perspective. He's not just saying "this is how to get the girl" he's here to share his actual life stories and lessons learned from them. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT ERIC !!</editorsnote>
#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @Redolpho
Over thinking, over analyzing separates the body from the mind.
Withering my intuition leaving all these opportunities behind.
Feed my will to feel this moment urging me to cross the line.
Reaching out to embrace the random.
Reaching out to embrace whatever may come.
I embrace my desire to
feel the rhythm, to feel connected
enough to step aside and weep like a widow
to feel inspired, to fathom the power,
to witness the beauty, to bathe in the fountain,
to swing on the spiral
of our divinity and still be a human.
- Lateralus, Tool
First off, to every single person that contacted me in one way or another, thank you. Thank you soooooooooooo much. As someone who deals with suicidal depression knows, the weight of the imposition can be so sly and incrementally obfuscating that your insignificance becomes a believable facade. It's crazy how believable this lie becomes and how your own world seems to close in on you. Each and every one of you helped break that facade down and I owe you a debt of gratitude. I know that I'm far from alone, I know that I am loved.
Nobody knew, as I've come to understand, even my closest friends had no idea that this was something I dealt with. But still, I have lived with a hunger for death all too often, a hunger to quit. When I wrote my last blog I cried. Still, I thought very little of it. Whimsically I posted it to my own Facebook, and then I took a nap. But when I awoke I did so to an unexpected mirror. The clarity in which I have seen myself was only viewable through you. What I thought I am is a fallacy.
"You are a good looking, socially inclined, musically gifted, genuinely nice dude, who would think that you had anything to be depressed about?"
This is what a good friend of mine, who deals with a similar affliction, said about me in a recent conversation. My self-image is obviously significantly distorted. I am cerebral to a fault. I live within my own head and there is a hyper-focused self-deprecating train of thought that cascades into suicidal planning. Through the exploratory adventure I have delved into I am contemplating the potential of refocusing this massive energetic waste into growth. I am pessimistic about the idea of being cured but; pragmatically, I think this may be something that I successfully learn to combat or cope with for my entire life. However, I am optimistic about the possibility of dying with a smile. I think about death often, it goes hand-in-hand with being suicidally depressed. How will I be remembered? As an atheist, I often contemplate the ramifications of my life. I wonder, "Did I make a difference?" "Did I do some good with the life that I've had?"
I WILL RIDE A TANDEM BIKE FOR 10,000 MILES ACROSS SOUTH EAST ASIA.
It's hard to type, it's hard to say, because it is so ambitious but I believe I have the potential for something great. But, when that path is unpathed and we explore vulnerability at its most organic source then it's often easier to lie in comfort than pursue the greatness that lies within. For me, I don't have the lying option. If I lie dormant than something else will grow and it will lead me to the top of a tall building and I'll fly from it to a selfish freedom.
Since publicly committing to the Tandem10 I have thought about how I could do social good in combination with my more selfish desires for this adventure. I talked in my last piece about my beliefs in the power of social media to connect us. As an entrepreneur, I have been sickened by what I've seen in the activities of "non-profits". There is a reality seldom seen in the organizations that take donations to pay six figure salaries to the kin of the rich, in order to feed narcissism, and fund elaborate marketing campaigns, which compel us to act in a way that we falsely believe is making a difference. Social media has the power to democratize our voice. I want to make a tangible difference, not just to those that benefit but to those that invest as well. Psychologically, making a direct social difference can impact the invester just as much as the receiver. In my short life I have felt most enamored by random acts of kindness. Sometimes it can be something as small as a taco or as big as a roof over your head so that you are not homeless quite yet. Those who have couchsurfed know what this social economy can mean and I'm sure many others know as well.
Instead of fighting for a grand cause, not that a grand cause is bad, I would like to instead use my Tandem10 exploration to discover random acts of kindness. As I travel through South East Asia I would like to find a mother that needs new shoes, a child that needs a book, or a traveler that needs a good meal. I can't predict what these needs may be but I would love nothing more than to connect you with the people that will benefit from your contribution. There will be no pre-produced packets or brochures, just a unique identifier so that you know EXACTLY where you invested in a random act of kindness along my journey. I am still working out the details of how exactly I'll accomplish this but the goals are simple: someone makes a contribution, half of the contribution funds the Tandem10, the other half funds random acts of kindness, tracking is done in the order in which contributions are made, as I travel and find places for randoms acts of kindness I'll connect the contributors with the recipients through social media (email, Facebook, etc.). Your financial and intellectual contributions are welcomed.
In regards to my self-exploration I have realized A LOT. Like I said, I posted my suicide confession whimsically to my Facebook. Had I thought about what it would be like to write such a vivid depiction of my deepest secrets to people who know me so well, I may not have been so candid. I had intended on sending it out to a somewhat anonymous crowd of blog readers. I hadn't hugged them before, I hadn't spoken with them before, I hadn't shared laughs and adventures with them. Within that crowd weren't some of the people that know me best. Within that crowd wasn't my mother.
I was writing my third version of my follow up piece to my suicide confession, this is now my eighth, and I saw the glow of my phone turn off. I grabbed my phone to see who had called and it was my Mom. I took a deep breath and slid the missed call notification on my iPhone and returned her call. With her hello I knew that she had read the piece, I knew she was shattered and I prepared myself for the conversation ahead. She told me that she felt as if she had failed as a mother, she couldn't believe that she had no idea at all and she was devastated that my suicidal attempts had started at such a young age. Nothing is as shattering as breaking your mothers heart but if I was going to be honest with the world than I needed to be honest with my mother as well. During our conversation I explained that my writing was meant to be something positive. She is still grappling with this but I hope that she will come to terms with the past. Yes, your first son held a knife to his throat before he was ten. Yes, your first son still wants to kill himself sometimes. BUT, he hasn't killed himself yet, he wants to live, and he has embarked on a deep journey into himself so that he will hopefully not just save his life but the lives of other sons and daughters as well. This is a story about life and not one of death. I love you Mom and although you are not perfect, and you have growing to do yourself, I know you love me too. I know you're worried about me, as I expect any mother would be, but know that I am not done living yet.
When I published my last piece I knew there would be an immediate sense of relief but that the relief would soon wain. I knew that there were deeper issues that had to be dealt with. The most daunting realization was that all the love I ever needed was right there for me to take but that I was unwilling to accept it. It was the moment when I realized how much I distrust the world and I know EXACTLY where it comes from. I grew up with an emotionally abusive father who, time and time again, pushed my head further below the surface when I was drowning. I was bullied through out elementary school and felt like an outcast, ugly, dumb, and undeserving of happiness. (Ironically, I just got sent an elementry school reunion invite) The first time I thought I had a real group of friends in high school, every single one of them turned their back on me. What made it worse is that they made it look easy. When you have such a breadth of pivotal life experiences convincing you that betrayal is something to be expected, how do you learn to trust again?
As best as I understand it now, trust has to be relearned through a series of experiences that reinforce a comfort in trust itself. I have to reteach myself to trust others and to trust myself. Part of my journey is to say yes to the now. To the best of my abilities I am trying to let what moves me, move me. Keeping my one goal in mind, to live happily. The hardest part about writing this piece has not just been my reflective evaluation but also figuring out what I am going to DO about it. What are my next steps? In thinking about them I am attempting to use discomfort as a barometer for change and to take pragmatic steps towards recovery.
First step: Tell the world that sometimes I want to kill myself and that I've unsuccessfully tried it. But also that I'm committed to growth.
First step -> DONE
Second step: Deal with the immediate needs of the relationship with my Dad.
My Dad is at the root of a lot of my anger and distrust. If you know me personally you'll know that angry isn't a word that is often used to describe me, but my Dad fucking pisses me off. I have debated on whether or not to go on a tirade and I have chosen not to. I already wrote my fuck you letter and 2013 is about growth. I can't grow if I continue living in the past. But in order to move forward I need to do something I have been puting off for a long time. He has been calling me for the last two years and I haven't answered or called back. Here is my response...
Dad: When you disowned me I listened and the fact that you did it infront of the whole family was incredibly embarrassing. You have never said sorry for it and now it's too late because I won't believe you when you do. It's been two fucking years and you never said sorry. That. is. an. ass. hole. move.. Call after call but never a sorry. Just one emotionless monotone messge after the other. You're not getting a phone call back. Please stop calling me and asking me how I am. Ask your wife if you want to know. I. do. not. trust. you.. Period end of sentence. There cannot be any meaningful relationship without trust and I don't know what you could do at this point that make me trust you again.
Second step -> DONE
Third step: Post the following affirmations where I can read them everyday.
I have all the love that I'll ever need.
I am all the awesome that I'll ever need.
I will ride the Tandem10.
Third step -> DONE
Fourth step: Feel a sense of pride by achieving something.
I currently have unlimited access to a surf rental shop in Venice beach. I am going to stand up on that board. I'll keep you posted.
Fifth step: Reward myself for making a HUGE step forward and posting the piece to my friends and family.
I am going to take a random trip and couchsurf for a couple days very soon.
Sixth step: Start raising and saving money for the Tandem10.
I have bought the domain name tandem10.com, and am figuring out how to take donations. I need to talk someone who has experience with non-profits to discuss how I should set this up.
Seventh step: Reach out to someone when I am feeling most alone and vulnerable.
I have realized that talking about depression is one of the best ways to deal with it but, this intimately vulnerable area is one where I lack trust the most. One of the people that reached out to me is very dear to my heart. Although they asked to remain very anonymous, suffice-it-to-say I care for them very dearly, and they have also experienced things very similar to me. I am going to call or text you the next time I feel the pull. I love you, know that. If you died I would be very very sad. Don't write me a letter, call me. I know what it feels like to feel alone but know that you are not alone. I am here with you and you are here with me. I will not fail you and I expect the same of you. I love you. I love you. I love you so very much.
Eighth step: Write my next piece and trust the the world one more time. Tell the world and those closest to me about something they also do not know. Be brave, be bold, be vulnerable. Find change. Grow!
<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Eric. He is a MAASSTTEERRR social dynamics expert that will be talking about his experiences in the field from both an expert, and experience perspective. He's not just saying "this is how to get the girl" he's here to share his actual life stories and lessons learned from them. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT ERIC !!</editorsnote>
#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @Redolpho
I've attempted suicide multiple times, never talked about it, and by all probability should be dead or paralyzed now. My first attempts were early, when I was between the ages of 8 and 14. I would hit these deep lows and I'd run into the kitchen and grab a knife from the drawer. Quivering, I would hold the knife to my throat and press the blade against my prepubescent skin until I could feel the pinch of the edge. As I stood there I would close my eyes and imagine the release as the wetness of my blood ran from my throat down my chest. I searched for the will power to do the deed but never found it. This is not why I should be dead though.
When I was 18 I went to Santa Barbara with a group of guys who hung out with my high school band. We stayed at a beach house that was home to about seventeen girls who were attending UC Santa Barbara. In Santa Barbara there are a series of gigantic houses that line the beach perched on cliffs about four stories above the sand. We had brought a gigantic bottle of vodka and I began drinking straight from the bottle as soon as we got there.
I don't remember much but the people told me that I had begun talking about how I wanted to die. I was rambling about how pathetic I was and how I saw no point. I attempted to hop the banister of the balcony a couple times to get to the edge of the cliffs but my friends stopped me almost every time. The last time I snuck into the neighbor’s yard and hopped over. Belligerent, I struggled to make my way down the steep short hill to the edge. I stumbled, near falling, about half way down before my friends saw me and rushed to stop me but they were too late. I tripped, rolled twice, and fell off the edge. For four stories my body plummeted towards the sand. Of the four people that had fallen before me that year, three had died and the other was paralyzed from the neck down. My friend who chased after me the closest saw the billow of dust and sand that my limp body created on impact. By inches I missed a big log, rocks and sticks that were scattered near the edge of the cliff. Had I been sober and tensed my body I probably would have broken my back, or neck, or something. I landed flat on my back and apparently the sand was somewhat soft. My friends ran around the front of the house and by the time they reached the beach I was waist deep in the ocean, walking into the water to finish the job the cliff and I had failed at. I was yanked by my shirt and thrown onto the shore where I broke into a flood of tears. I was apparently crying in sadness over my life that still inhabited my body, ranting about how badly I wanted to die.
When I woke up the next morning I was sitting in a recliner with only a wet shirt and underwear on. I knew something bad had happened and my hip was sore. My friends surrounded me staring at me in astonishment. I had no memory of what happened until they told me the story, and even then my memory was hazy at best. With my head held low in utter embarrassment, I walked in my ocean soaked jeans and made my way to the car. I spent the ride home looking out at the coast in deep depression and reflection, realizing how real the sadness I was burying actually was. I contemplated my life and why I had been driven to this type of drastic action. This is why I should be dead, paralyzed or a vegetable at this point.
Between years 2007 and 2010 I remember being happy. In 2010 I was living in a loft in Downtown LA and I remember thinking that this is what life really is. This is what I'm supposed to feel like. I looked back on how sad I had been and thought about how I never wanted to feel that way again. I had been studying social dynamics for almost two years at this pointand was dating multiple beautiful women, had a slew of friends, and was meeting new interesting people every week. I was a successful mortgage loan officer, and was genuinely happy.
It had been a year and a half since I had backpacked Europe and I was planning my next trip to Japan. Then all mortgage loans failed at once, I had to cancel my flight and my trip. The day my plane left without me I sat on the roof of my high-rise and watched the planes flying overhead wondering which one I was supposed to be seated on. That's when I felt it again. I felt something I hoped I'd never feel again. Depression crept on and it scared the shit out of me. The failure of my mortgage business was somewhat out of my hands and I decided I wanted to be an entrepreneur so I was never again out of control of my own destiny. I never went back to mortgage. That was two years ago and before I moved from my penthouse I remember feeling that deep sadness again. It led me to gaze out the window, day dreaming about running, jumping, and flying to freedom.
I was determined though and wasn't ready to die yet, even though I was obviously very sad. I dropped out of college my freshman year and so I took any job I could to learn from. I flipped pitas at a fast food restaurant to work for a previously successful tech entrepreneur. I managed marijuana collective in Long Beach and co-produced at art show in Downtown LA. It led me to my most recent business with a serial entrepreneur whose last business sold for over 10 million dollars. For 10 months I worked an average of 16 hours a day, 29.5 days a month. It was an amazing education and what I had been working towards the year prior. Still, during the course of the last 10 months running our business I dealt with serious suicidal depression. This brings me to the point of this whole piece.
I have been looking at the tops of buildings, wondering how high it needed to be to finish the job. It sucks. It's not that I feel like this all the time but that feeling is always lingering below the surface, if at the forefront of my thoughts. I must change this, in my short talking about this I have already met people that feel the same way. Everybody's search for homeostasis follows different routes. Some choose music, some art, some writing, some see a doctor, some a bottle and others bury it deep and pretend it's not there. This leads me to why I am choosing blogging.
I have hundreds of friends but not one I'd call my best friend. When I have successes or failures, I am usually left by myself to celebrate or wallow. I am telling you this story because you are the only person I have to tell and because I need to talk about it. I am also telling you because I don't want to die, but I don't want to live unhappily either and so much of my life I've been sad. I'm very good at faking my happiness but what is the point in that? I don't know how long the road to happiness will be and so much of my life has been encumbered by self-loathing so I feel like the road could be long. I believe in the power of being vulnerable and honest with yourself and the world. Social media is so beautiful and brings masses together to share in similar experiences. I think it has the potential to bring out the best in all of us. I think that social media, and blogging in-particular, has the potential help me heal myself.
As I take my next steps I have my primary goal in mind. I just want to be happy. The happiest times in my life are very easy to remember. When I was backpacking Europe every ounce of my soul was elated. When I am exploring myself, people and places I am happy. And when I see the smile on a guy’s face that’s just learned that they can talk to beautiful women successfully and their life can be happier, I am truly happy. I am just going to follow my nose for the most part but there is something that is pulling me like gravity.
So I am going to make one more confession I was somewhat reluctant to make. I have a new dream and one that is pulling me to it like a book. I was reluctant to talk about it out of fear. Fear that if I fail, and I've failed many many times, that it would be in front of thousands of people. But fear is never a good reason to do or not do anything. Being uncomfortable is something different, I truly believe that growth begins at the end of your comfort zone, but fear is an inhibitor. So here it is...
I want to ride a tandem bike for 10,000 miles across Southeast Asia, finding people to ride with me at every point possible. This trip was inspired by a guy named Dominic Gill who rode from the top of Alaska to the bottom of Argentina. The preparation for this trip will take a lot of work. I have raise and save money for the time I'm there and the gear I'll need for such an excursion. I'll also need a camera and video recorder to document the people I meet and the places I see. I don't know how I am going to do this yet but at this point it feels more like a life or death situation than anything else. I should already be dead, and although I know I should appreciate the life that I do have, I have spent much of it very unhappy. I have a long way to go and this is just the beginning. This is the first time I have talked about my near successful suicide attempt since it happened years ago. This has been a really embarrassing post to write and I am very nervous about posting it. I have another confession that many people, guys in particular, feel but never admit. I am starting to write it now and I am already crazy nervous. I should already be dead though so what else do I have to lose.
<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Eric. He is a MAASSTTEERRR social dynamics expert that will be talking about his experiences in the field from both an expert, and experience perspective. He's not just saying "this is how to get the girl" he's here to share his actual life stories and lessons learned from them. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT ERIC !!</editorsnote>
#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @Redolpho
So tonight, I rolled out to Downtown Los Angeles to visit a friend and was invited by her neighbor to stay for a glass of wine. More glasses of wine were poured and, although I wasn't planning on staying, I did. My friend is a brilliant painter, like insanely brilliant. I started a somewhat philosophical dialog about social interaction and sex with him and his equally talented musician friend, as I often do, and at some point the host said he was inviting friends over. I knew that these guys generally keep some good looking company so I was optimistic. The party started off innocent; there was wine, friends, and some beautiful women.
One of the girls was a very pretty Japanese fashion designer. We talked about our realistic views on monogamy and found we had so much common ground. For all those guys who think you're chauvinistic or misogynistic for the way you view sex, I challenge you to rethink your views. The societal norms you've become accustomed to are very much a human construct and there are so many women who want to experience the same freedom from the norms and slutisms that are imposed upon them as you. Women are sooooooo sexual, it's amazing, give them a chance to express themselves and they'll open up to you. She was straight out of Japan, a very conservative culture, and openly entertained the idea of an open relationship, group sex, and sexual experimentation in general. After talking about our views I walked her out when she had to leave, we kissed for a moment and exchanged information. Seriously awesome girl, I am really looking forward to hanging out with her again.
Some people left and some stayed, four turned into eight and we decided to play a game of strip go fish. Here is the thing my friends, if you are strong in your reality (i.e. getting naked with friends is just good fun) people, and more relevantly girls, will happily accept this reality as well. I cannot tell you how important this concept is, some people call it setting the frame but I find that piece of jargon confusing. This is simply being a strong social leader and owning your reality. (Think back to Jen's last trip to the Playboy Mansion and how she walked right into the VIP section, same thing.) These girls were beautiful, not average, beautiful. They could have all been models and one, who I know from a music video we were in together, made it to the finals of America's Next Top Model. There was no big moment, no grand persuasion, no drugs (that I saw at least), we had all gotten a little tipsy and the idea that we were all good looking, free-spirited people who should be naked was brought up, and that a game of strip go fish was the most appropriate way to accomplish that.
Pro tip: Justification is everything sometimes. In this case, "We are all good looking, free-spirited people..." is what justifies that we should all get naked together. That sort of makes sense right!? Not really, but it justifies our behavior. Justify everything when you're escalating a situation sexually, "Hey let me show you the view..." "Come up to my place with me for a minute, I just need to grab something…" "People here are getting crazy, let's go for a walk..." Especially at the moment when you need to get a girl alone so that you can get the first coveted kiss, use justification to your advantage and have another reason why the two of you should separate from the group. In the back of her head she'll know exactly what's going on but with a justification the decision to say yes is just that much easier. The Japanese girl knew EXACTLY why I was walking her out.
K, back to the story...
There was no real discussion, there was some money rounded up and another bottle of whiskey and more wine were purchased. The cards were dealt and there we were. There were three teams: me and two girls, the host and another guy and girl, and another guy and girl. Then someone lost and the first set of clothes came off. They were the easy things, but we had established that shoes and socks counted as one item. Then someone lost again, shirts came off. Someone lost again, and the teams started to huddle together, my two girls looked over my shoulder as I held the cards and we plotted as to who held the cards we needed to win. At this point, the girls were down to their bras and the guys were down to their pants. I don't wear underwear, I just don't like underwear, but I was not the only one. One more hand was lost and two of the girls removed their bras, not my team ;). But then we lost again, and I and the other team with two guys were forced to remove our pants. We did, none of the guys looked like a porn star, I promise. For all the guys out there who are around average size, which includes me, take comfort in the fact that none of the girls cared and very few girls do with the exception of a few size queens I know. A couple hands later and everyone was completely naked except for one girl who still had her bottoms on. One last hand to end the game, we all cheers'd, had a naked group hug, and the game was over. The girl’s breasts and bodies were exquisite, and I was thoroughly enjoying myself.
What do we do now that we're all naked? Some of the girls started to put their clothes on, think Eric.
Then I asked if they had a spa on their roof? They did! Brilliant.
I turned back around and one of the girls on my team was making out with my model friend.
Oh. My. God. This is going to be the hottest orgy ever, I thought.
Then my gut fell, what time was it? I had work at the hostel at four and the last bus that I can grab leaves at three.
2:45am!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. <insert> super sad face </insertion>
I put on my pants and left for home. What an insane night, really wish I could have partook in whatever transpired later on but I guess it will have to happen another time.
P.S. I have gotten a few questions about getting put into the “friend’s zone” so the next piece that I am going to write will be about that. If I don’t end up in another crazy situation before of course. If you have questions about the friend’s zone, or what happened in this story shoot me an email. I would love to answer them here on TNTML or in an email to you.
Monday, March 4, 2013 at 3:41PM
