#NerdsUnite: Social Dynamics Lesson 2 (Non-Committal Body Language)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Eric. He is a MAASSTTEERRR social dynamics expert that will be talking about his experiences in the field from both an expert, and experience perspective. He's not just saying "this is how to get the girl" he's here to share his actual life stories and lessons learned from them. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT ERIC !!</editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @Redolpho

Hello friends, happy holidays. 

<tangent> Is anybody else getting hit up by their exes? I’ve been hit up by two in the last two weeks, who I literally never thought I’d end up in a steamy make out sesh with again. #wtf </tangent>

So today we are going to be talking about one of my favorite topics, body language. Specifically we are going to be taking an in-depth look at body language before and during the opening of a conversation. There are a couple things to note about body language before jumping in. Women are extremely in-tune to subtlety and your body language can be beneficial or detrimental to your approach. Generally speaking, what comes out of your mouth is only so important, and it is your body language that will either validate or invalidate what you’re saying about yourself. For instance, you are telling a story where you are surrounded by women and friends, and thus your words are saying that you are a confident leader and social person. But what if you’re body language is saying something else as you’re telling it, you’re hunching your shoulders, avoiding eye contact, and fidgeting nervously? If you guessed that no one is going to believe you, especially the women, then you’re right they’re not.

It is also important to note that reading body language is really about contextually recognizing changes in body language. Here is an example, you are talking to someone on the patio of a cafe and as they tell a story their arms are crossed with their hands tucked in their armpits. Suddenly they mention something and their hands fly above their head, and their feet lift off the ground. Now, here it is important to note that old-school body language axioms would say that this persons crossed arms is a form of protection or reservation, but in this scenario the people could be sitting outside and it could be cold. What’s important is the change to flailing of the arms and feet from a state of having the arms crossed. That change shows excitement and it’s that moment in which the person gives us a true “tell” that they’re elated at the conversation they are having.

The last thing that I want to mention before diving in is that there are no silver bullets in social dynamics, and that definitely includes body language. Body language is a tool and if you’re trying to up your social game it’s an important tool but still just a tool. There are other tools in social dynamics (verbal communication, touching, synergy, and your appearance) and when used well together with the others, body language can be a very powerful asset. I will say this a lot in my pieces but always remember that everything I say is a guideline. All guidelines in social dynamics are meant to be bent and sometimes broken but you need to know what they are first. 

Alright so let’s dive in, when does a social interaction start? In my last piece I wrote that it started when you open a conversation. I wasn’t being completely truthful. It actually starts before that, it starts the moment that either person is able to see the other. Here is a small checklist that you should mentally run yourself through when entering a social situation:

• Am I standing tall, with my shoulders back and my chin up? But make sure you ain’t cray...

• Am I smiling? But make sure you ain’t cray...

• Am I moving at comfortable pace? (Many people walk nervously fast)

That covers the basics of entering a new social area. If you walk in standing tall, smiling, and walking at a comfortable pace then you look approachable and confident. So now lets get into the meat of this talk with non-committal body language during opening. This is where I see a lot guys make mistakes repeatedly because they’re simply unaware of what they are doing. Non-committal body language is a piece of jargon that simply means you are not displaying commitment to a conversation or interaction via your body.

In order to do this you’ll want avoid entering the conversation head on. Rather approach the group of people from the side. If you’ve done this correctly then you should be standing shoulder to shoulder with the person that you are talking to, with your bodies facing the same direction. It should look kinda like this:

To validate why this initial positioning is important do this test. You can even just imagine it and probably feel the difference. Stand next to someone, shoulder to shoulder, and look at them over your shoulder with your body facing forward which should be the same direction that their body is facing. Take a moment and do a scan of your body, how do you feel? Now pivot and turn so that you are facing them head on. If you didn’t move and just swung around then your faces should be inches from each other. When you do this you should experience an innate feeling to move backwards in order to regain “personal space”. Even though the space in between you may have changed very little, the feeling of comfort changed quite a bit. One thing to note, is that appropriate distances for personal space vary quite a bit by culture. Israelis for instance talk much closer than Americans.

If two people are sitting facing each other directly then it’s best to be facing the same direction as the person nearest you. Your body will then be facing straight past the person across from you and not directly facing anyone. If it’s a group of people then it’s going to be hard to not face someone directly because if they are standing then most likely they’ll be in a circle. In this case follow the same rule as before to stay facing the same direction as the people that are directly next to you.

So now that we’ve dealt with the approach lets look at how you should stand or sit after you’ve started the conversation. One of my first students made this exact mistake when he approached his first group during one of Jen and I’s workshops. The two girls were sitting at a bar height table and he was standing, after he approached he leaned in so that his body was not only facing them, but his torso was tilted at a 140 degree angle. The girls reaction was to immediately lean back in order to create more distance between them and my student. You could see their facial expressions become defensive and he had already lost that interaction. The interaction continued to feel forced and was over very soon after it started. The lesson to learn here is to not lean in. People lean into a conversation when they are engaged and if you come in hot like this, before people are comfortable, then you’ll most likely get the same reaction that this guy got. Also people constantly engage in mirroring which is a body language term for copying or emulating. When you smile they smile, when you cross your arms they cross theirs, etc.. People mirror other peoples body language all the time. So when you lean back and you’re relaxed and non-committed, they’ll by nature do the same. It is a wonderful tool and it will significantly improve the success rate of the conversations that you open.

At this point we’ve dealt with position and posture, now lets take a moment to examine you facial expressions. When you enter a conversation you want to convey a friendliness that will put people at ease. The best way to do that is with a “light” smile. When I say light I mean that your teeth should be visible but the corners of your mouth shouldn’t be stretched to your ears. The right mood that you are conveying is that you are relaxed and happy. Once you’ve opened the conversation then you should smile a little less. Listen more, be attentive to what the people are saying back to you, you should be identifying social cues that they are giving you to spark conversations after your opener has run its course. If you read my last post about what to say when opening a conversation, and are running the 50 Shades of Grey opener, then as the people are giving you back their answers look them in the eye, lean back, relax and let them know that you are listening. Even though your body isn’t facing them directly you shouldn’t give them the impression that you are aloof and this is why it’s important to be attentive but not needy.

All of the above techniques signal that you are not fully committed to the conversation. When this is done correctly the people that you are talking to will feel more at ease and the thought, “How long is this person going to be here for?”, shouldn’t cross their mind. Even if it does they’ll be subconsciously comforted by your lack of commitment at the onset of your conversation. You are also signaling that you are willing to walk away which is exactly what you want. But there will come a point where you should become more invested in the conversation. The easiest way to know when is to let them invest first. Wait for them to pivot their body, smile more, and then mirror their motion. That’s all for now folks. If you have any topics that you would like to have covered please email me. I’d love to talk more about them here on TNTML.

Hope everyone had a great holiday season! And just in case you didn’t here is a cat hugging a baby kitten who’s having a nightmare.

L’chaim

#thatisall

If you’d like to share your stories please feel free to tweet me at @redolpho or email me at eric dot rudolph dot carrillo at gmail dot com

#NerdsUnite: Redefining Myself and Starting a New Path

editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Eric. He is a MAASSTTEERRR social dynamics expert that will be talking about his experiences in the field from both an expert, and experience perspective. He's not just saying "this is how to get the girl" he's here to share his actual life stories and lessons learned from them. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT ERIC !!</editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @Redolpho

Shit gets real when you're an entrepreneur. I know being an entrepreneur is the hip new thing but there are a lot of times where it sucks a big bag of d%#&s. It is the most challenging endeavor that I have ever done but the reward of owning your life is worth it. This week my social media consultancy is going through some changes. Although my partner and I enjoy working with each other, and plan to work with each other in the future, we are putting the business on hiatus. The decision came shortly after our main client temporarily suspended our contract and after doing our finances, we knew that things were going to change. So after almost a year of 16-24 hour days, one or maybe two days off a month, a couple serious breakdowns, overcoming suicidal depression and investing everything I had, (breath) it's back to the drawing board.

In many ways it feels like leaving a long term relationship. Everyday stayed centric to this thing, it was the first thing that I thought about when I woke up and the last thing that I thought about when I went to bed. I'm cerebral to a fault so my mind has been running non-stop since then. Whose fault this was, what was I going to do and what people would think. I really wanted this business to be a success but it failed. More importantly the question arose, "Did I fail?"

   So I was thinking on this and I realized that I had actually exceeded my goals and real progress had taken place. It was my perspective that was completely wrong, I had not failed but had lost perspective on my original goals. I needed an education and wanted an apprenticeship with the most brilliant business people I could find. My business partner has sold three of her five businesses and one of those sales was in the millions. She is certifiably brilliant. Her husband is also a seasoned entrepreneur and mind blowing to collaborate with. Thinking that my first business was going to be some gigantic success was a little unrealistic, statistically that outcome was very unlikely. I suppose this is the entrepreneur’s naivety. You can't give it your all if you don't believe in it, but sometimes it's just not time yet. I think this where I'm supposed to quote some entrepreneur who failed multiple times before succeeding, like the KFC dude.

What I see myself do so often is set realistic goals at the beginning of something, and lose sight of those during the process, forgetting why I'm doing what I'm doing in the first place. I wanted the business to succeed, but first and foremost I was there to get an education. Now the question is what I'm going to do with that education. My life would be amiss, and all my work for personal growth for nothing, if I didn't make it to the next chapter.

The next chapter for me, right now, is true independence. Ending my search for validation was a big step in this process. I realize now that our lifetimes are a series of two decisions, fear or growth and rest or work. Philosophy professor Louis Mackey of the University of Texas, explains what I mean better than myself in one of my favorite all time movies, Waking Life.

fear or laziness from Aira Vijay on Vimeo.

Moments of great change always come with uncertainty and fear. I'm face to face with that fear right now. I'm charting out into this unknown place of uncertainty and I'm definitely scared. Being an entrepreneur is scary, like insanely scary. The scariest part is that I don't really know what I'm doing. Do we ever truly know what we're doing though? I don't think so, to me, life is a series of educated guesses. We hope for the best but the factual certitude of common knowledge is illusory, no one can predict the future.

Also similar to a relationship, this is a big point of redefinition for me. I'm reaching inward to define what true independence means. As an entrepreneur at the conception of a new project I'm building this one exactly how I want it. I have my desired outcomes lined up and they're not traditional. 2013 is going to be my year of true independence. It's going to be my year of traveling. I'm very excited to get started and only have a couple more days until I wrap up things with my past until I can fully dive into my future.

L'chaim,

Eric

FYI I am pretty sure that Lennon never said this but I liked the meme nonetheless.

#thatisall

If you’d like to share your stories please feel free to tweet me at @redolpho or email me at eric dot rudolph dot carrillo at gmail dot com

#NerdsUnite: To Trust or Not to Trust (a lesson in social dynamics & learning to let go)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Eric. He is a MAASSTTEERRR social dynamics expert that will be talking about his experiences in the field from both an expert, and experience perspective. He's not just saying "this is how to get the girl" he's here to share his actual life stories and lessons learned from them. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT ERIC !!</editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @Redolpho

I almost made the complete wrong decision and it was because I was deciding based on fear. I was strategizing the future marketing plans for mine and Jen’s social dynamics workshops when Jen had provoked the discussion of what to give away. Dealing with intellectual property is a tuff thing and thankfully after debating with myself I realized that we don’t have any so it doesn’t matter. I didn’t invent social dynamics I just became really really obsessed with it for a long time and gained a lot of insights. Our value lies deeper than the principles of what we teach and it’s really about our combined expertise and ability to help people succeed. The whole reason I wanted to start doing this was to change a few lives and I’ve already accomplished that. So the next goal is to change many lives. What better way to do this then to start teaching through my writing here on TNTML. So without further ado...

I wanted to start where social interactions start, with someone opening a conversation. The purpose of social dynamics is to give people choice, opening is where this choice starts. When I started studying social dynamics I mostly wanted to have a choice in who I talked to. If I saw a girl that struck me I wanted to be able to approach her and for that interaction to last more than a couple awkward minutes. If I saw a group of people that were having fun I wanted to be able to join them and turn former strangers into new friends. One important thing to note is that there are no silver bullets and no panty-dropping pick-up lines. It's paramount that you focus on the principles of what I’m talking about. Feel free to take the examples I’ll provide and use them word for word at first, but understand that these are only training wheels and inevitably you’ll have to take them off.

There are many types of openers and I’ll write about each of them individually, for this piece we’ll be talking about what’s called an opinion opener. This is the best place to start for most people because the chances of getting blown off are low. The basic premise is that instead of starting a conversation off with the normal, “Hi, how are you doing?”, that you immediately start a conversation in a way that provides social value. Social value could be defined as something that is said or done by one party that is engaging to the desired audience. The opinion opener accomplishes this by immediately engaging the desired audience in a discussion they are interested in. Here is the opinion opener that I taught my students and it has worked with a lot of success.

“Hi, I’ve had a strange last couple of dates and I need an opinion. Twice within the first five minutes my date talked about how in love they were with 50 Shades of Grey. I don’t know what’s more disconcerting, whether they just have a horrible taste in books or whether I may end up walking into a dungeon. What are your thoughts?"

Let’s break down why this opinion opener works well. First is the hook line, “strange couple of dates”. Most people are interested about swapping dating horror stories and putting this at the front of the opener will spark someone’s interest. Second is the mention of other dates, this may seem counter-intuitive, especially if the person you are talking to is a romantic interest, but the reason for this is to disarm the other person. It immediately lets them know that you are not in a place of desperation and also conveys that you are not talking to them for the purpose of hitting on them. Third, is the use of 50 Shades of Grey, it’s topical, well known, and controversial. Lastly, is the part about taste and the possibility of a dungeon. This gives the person something specific to respond to and allows them to either affirm their good taste in literature as well, or disagree and offer another opinion. Either way they are engaged and your opener has completed its job. Generally, I encourage people to always directly ask for their audiences participation at the end of the opener.

Not all of these elements are needed, so here are the essential parts for you to use as a style guide when creating your own opinion opener. The opener needs to be short and should be delivered within 30 seconds. It should be relevant to the person you’re talking to, the 50 Shades of Grey opener may not work well with a child or with your new, or potential, partners parents. Most importantly it needs to strike a chord, it needs to be interesting, the desired audience needs to want to talk about it. In other words, it needs to have social value. The easiest way to find interesting opinion openers is keep your eyes and ears open during everyday life and ask questions about things that genuinely interest you.

Next blog post I’ll be talking about how to use body language to your advantage during opening. Many people have a lot of trouble because they don’t even know they’re making mistakes but the things you don’t say can oftentimes be more telling than what comes out of your mouth.

That’s all for now friends. If you have any questions or would like to submit your opinion openers to me I would love to take a look at them and write about them here.

#thatisall

If you’d like to share your stories please feel free to tweet me at @redolpho or email me at eric dot rudolph dot carrillo at gmail dot com

#RealDeal: So, My Date Got Drugged ...

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Eric. He is a MAASSTTEERRR social dynamics expert that will be talking about his experiences in the field from both an expert, and experience perspective. He's not just saying "this is how to get the girl" he's here to share his actual life stories and lessons learned from them. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT ERIC !!</editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @Redolpho

I've heard plenty of stories about girls getting drugged but I've never had a first-hand encounter until Sunday. I had just met the girl during Jen and I's first Workshop #2, which was phenomenal. The guys did so well; one got the bartenders phone number and another, who's the quintessential nerd and not the modern hipper version, had a girl buy an unsolicited drink for him. Since he was brave enough to share with us that he had literally zero friends I knew how much that drink meant to him. The smile on his face really said it all.

<tangent>The guy who got the bartenders phone number is a first generation immigrant from India and computer science major. Prior to taking our workshop he had a total of four dates for the whole year, and since taking our workshop he's had over twenty. Just goes to show that common knowledge and stereotypes are illusory, anyone can do this.</tangent>

I met the girl for drinks in West LA on Sunday. The date was starting out awesome. I found out she's bisexual-I love women who love women-and she's soooo fun. We left our drinks and stepped outside for a cigarette. Turns out this was a bad idea, cause I'm about positive that this is when her drink was drugged. While outside she challenged me to a game of penis, you know the one where each person says penis louder than the next until someone gets uncomfortable. At the climax of us both shouting penis at the top of our lungs a couple guys at the coffee bean across the street joined in. They then shouted back, "Does she want your penis?" I looked back at her for an answer and she smiled and nodded yes, #sweetness. After we finished our drinks, and now in an adventurous mood, we felt it was time for a change of scenery. We hopped a cab to Santa Monica where my friends host a regular karaoke night. We took a few shots at the bar and stepped out to the patio. At the time, I thought she was just getting drunk quickly as we started to make out. She kept pulling me back, giving me the sexy eyes and then grinding her forehead into my face. She was wearing extensions that night and the clips were starting to fall out leaving chunks of hair dangling sloppily off her head. It was pretty funny before I found out it was the drugs. After seeing that she was pretty inebriated, and since it was getting late, I grabbed her a cab and sent her home.

Turns out that when she got back she couldn't make it to her front door and was paralyzed on the front lawn. I received a few straight forward texts in response to me requesting a confirmation that she got home ok. It turns out that those texts were from the cops that had been called in response to her yelling for her mom from the front lawn. She was piss tested and t confirmed that she had indeed been drugged.

I woke up the next morning to texts from her telling me about her experience after leaving me and had mixed feelings. I felt violated and slightly ashamed for my responsibility in not taking basic precautions for her safety. I felt bad for thinking her drunkenness, as I thought it was at the time, was pretty funny. Mostly though I was relieved that she got home safely because the night could have ended much much worse. Protect yourself ladies, we were at a relatively posh bar and both of us were surprised that it happened there.

That's all for now friends. 

In other news, I'M LOOKING FOR AN INTERN...

You'll be working directly with me to develop our social dynamics workshops. It's a non-paid internship but the perks will make this perfect for the right person. You'll have the option to work at my office near Abbott Kinney and Venice beach or from home (some days will require you to be in Venice), access to all the workshop materials, free admittance to all three workshops, and personal coaching from me. The hours are flexible as I work almost all the time. The work will consist of helping me develop the workshop course materials mostly but there will be more work after. I'm looking for someone with the ability to write with good grammar and access to a laptop is required; it would be preferred that you had some basic photoshop skills and understanding of Wordpress. You do not need any knowledge of social dynamics, just a great attitude and desire to learn.

#thatisall

If you’d like to share your stories please feel free to tweet me at @redolpho or email me at eric dot rudolph dot carrillo at gmail dot com

#NerdsUnite: Do you burn a bridge? Or stand for what you think is right?

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Eric. He is a MAASSTTEERRR social dynamics expert that will be talking about his experiences in the field from both an expert, and experience perspective. He's not just saying "this is how to get the girl" he's here to share his actual life stories and lessons learned from them. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT ERIC !!</editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @Redolpho

My personal journey has led me to a point where my search for validation and self-worth are, at the moment, paramount. Both came to a header this week, one as a test that I think I passed, and one as a straight kick in the nuts. They both fucking hurt, a lot.

I never knew why until recently, but I’ve doted on a specific type of individual for my whole life. I’ve always gravitated towards super independent people who are successfully walking the unbeaten path and leading others along the way. Jen is one, my business partner is another, and my last two exes were like this in their own way, but my parents couldn’t be more the opposite. My parents wanted a cookie cutter path for me, I was to become a lawyer, or a banker, or some other nuclear career. I dropped out of college precisely because of this, I had no fucking idea what I was going to do, but I felt like I was digging my grave by continuing through the collegiate system. The same year I dropped out of college a friend of mine dropped out at the same time.

He is my quintessential idol. His life and childhood is what I aspire to and envy, respectively. His parents were supportive and had adequate resources to foster his creative success. When he dropped out, he spent a year building a portfolio that matriculated him into one of the best art schools in the world. In the midst of a demanding graphic design career, he manages to fuck-off and travel regularly. When he left on a trip to Japan he landed a job with one of the biggest creative agencies in the world and still lives in Tokyo. Seemingly, everything he touches turns to gold. I’ve looked up to him, idolized him, and he’s been a source of inspiration for the last ten years I’ve known him.

This week he flew to LA without much notice. I sent him a message asking him what his plans were, then I commented on a Facebook post asking him again. I sat there and waited... then waited some more, soon pictures of him hanging with other people surfaced and still nothing. I started acting like a teenager with a crush, stalking his Facebook wondering why he couldn’t be bothered to respond and why I was so worthless to him. Then something hit me, why did I care so much? Why was his response of such a greater worth to me than so many others? The answer... VALIDATION. In my mind, when we met for drinks and he told me about his newest accomplishments I would finally have something to tout. I would talk about my success as an entrepreneur, my success as a writer, and the personal growth I’ve experienced through social dynamics. Maybe, just maybe, I would win his seal of approval and that would be my ultimate validation.

So yeah, I get it. I gravitate to this specific type of person because it’s the person that I want to be. But that person doesn’t look for validation from others, that person leads others with self-relying assertiveness. So fuck it, I have plenty of amazing people around me and I don’t NEED him in my life, I WANT him in my life but there’s a big difference between need and want, and it starts with reciprocation. Since that’s not there I need to move-the-fuck-on. Nuff said about my swollen invalidated man-sack, now for the test of self-worth.

In a recent post I talked about a job that I applied for with Dr. Susan Block, a sexoligist, sex therapist, lifestyle hedonist, and Yalie. She needed a writer and I wanted the job. I submitted some of my writing along with an essay and I was in. This was such an amazing compliment. I’ve never considered myself a writer and to receive this job purely on merit from an ivy-league graduate meant so much to me. With that being said, I was not about to burn my bridge with the hostel where I was, and-*spoiler alert*-still am working. Should all else fail, the hostel could always provide a bed, shower and two meals a day. So I gave my two weeks, spoke with Dr. Suzy, and everything seemed dandy.

For the next couple Saturdays I attended her live show and watched some of the most depraved sexual acts, some of which I’d never even contemplated, took notes and submitted material for her blog.

It. Was. Awesome.

What satisfies us spiritually is singularly unique and for me it’s pushing myself beyond my comfort level, especially when dealing with societal and cultural norms. I seriously could not have been more excited.

Four days prior to my official start day I received an email asking me to start early. The only way for me to accomplish this would have been to work conjunctionally with the hostel and my business. I would have literally not slept at all, especially when you factor in the hour-and-a-half bus commute that would have been required daily. I diplomatically expressed this via email, and the next day received an unempathetic phone call from Dr. Suzy’s husband who presented me with an ultimatum. Either come in, or lose the job. His reasoning was that he would have to train me himself and he was unwilling to do so. My basic human needs of sleep and sanity came second to his precious time, and our previously agreed upon schedule was meaningless. Only a few months ago I may have acquiesced, but it was time to set a new precedence that my happiness and health comes first, and it will not be put at the wayside for others, especially for those who value it so little. So I wrote back, offered solutions that did not compromise my health and stayed true to the commitments I had made to myself, the hostel, The Institute and my business. They were insufficient and he was setting precedence himself. His way or the highway. I chose happiness and health, I chose the highway.

All in all, the choices and confrontations I experienced this week were extremely difficult to bear but I feel stronger because of them. If you’re going through something similar I’d love to hear from you, and as always, your social dynamics questions will be received and responded to with love. L’chaim friends. Thanks for reading.

#thatisall

If you’d like to share your stories please feel free to tweet me at @redolpho or email me at eric dot rudolph dot carrillo at gmail dot com