#RealDeal: I am addicted to porn (one nerd's journey through digital temptation)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet by buddy Jeff. We met on twitter a little while back, and then over Christmas I helped him revamp his OKC profile. He's now here to talk to you about his life outside of the programming world. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT JEFF!!! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @Jtwebman

Warning if you know me personally and can’t handle your (son, father, uncle, brother, co-worker, or friend) talking about porn and masturbation please stop reading now as I am going to openly talk about it here.

It has been almost a month since I have written a blog post, sorry about that. I have been in a slump the last month having a hard time motivating myself to do anything, in other words, depressed. I have had big swings depression throughout my life but really haven’t talked about them much besides with my ex-girlfriend of six years. Partly because I am ashamed of them and partly because I rather not bring down anyone else.

Now you might be thinking why am I writing about depression when I titled this post that I am addicted to porn? Well as I am starting to swing back up from my slump I ran into this site the other day called YourBrainOnPorn.com, while researching something else, and my mind was blown away. I watched all the videos on there including this little intro one The Great Porn Experiment and read almost the whole site over the last few days.

In the videos they go into that most boys start watching porn at around 10 years old. Yep that was me though for me it was 11 and it was VHS tapes I found and animated gifs and pictures that I downloaded from my BBS (Bulletin Board System - Pre-Internet where you called up other computers with a modem) not high speed internet porn.

They also talk about why people flock to porn and how it can be a bigger dopamine surge to actually keep switching scenes (creating novelty) and why we end up with multiple tabs open because each new scene is just another surge of dopamine.

They says a guy watching porn can see more hot women in 10 minutes then a man only a few 100 years ago would have seen in several lifetimes but our brain is still wired the old way with old systems. So some of the problems with this is it wires the mind and sexual response to:

1. Being Alone
2. Voyeurism
3. Clicking
4. Searching
5. Multiple Tabs
6. Constant Novelty
7. Shock and Surprise

In contrast real sex wires the mind and sexual response to:

1. Courtship
2. Touching
3. Being Touched
4. Smells
5. Pheromones
6. Emotional Connection

So as you can see if you are 11 years old and wiring your brain with the wrong thing how it can be a bad thing as those are very different items. Actually here is a list of some of the side effects of wiring it wrong.

1. ADHD - I would say I am borderline sometimes.
2. Concentration Problems - Definitely have had problems with this.
3. Social Anxiety - Yep have that big time.
4. Depression - Yes definitely have that issue.
5. Performance Anxiety - I have had in the past.
6. OCD - Few at least I don’t have all of them.

They go on to state that most doctors treat these separately and don’t think of them as causes but the main issue. The problem with that thinking is that the men on the site that had stop using porn had seen all of these issues go away.

The videos go into more detail about how our reward center in the brain is part of the primitive brain and that it runs on a organic chemical called dopamine. Now it has evolved over time to reward us for food, sex, and bonding with others. It has been the driving force in us evolving the way we have over the last 50,000 years.

What it does though is when we get extreme versions of these rewards it makes them even more valuable. It’s why the thought of eating cake is more rewarding then eating broccoli, though I still like broccoli. We also get it from seeing a woman that we think is extra hot as well. Which is our brain saying she has good genes. Now for the most part this hasn't been an issue with with a huge population of humans till now with high speed internet and fast food.

When we get to much extra dopamine, like we do with porn or overeating, it messes with our dopamine receptors making what would normally be a good reward like seeing a beautiful sunset or having a wonderful days with a women you really connected with much less of a reward.

These behavioral addictions like Food, Porn, Video Games, and Internet are a little different then the addiction some people get from alcohol and drugs. First only 10 to 15 percent of people are susceptible to alcohol and drug addictions. Second  alcohol and drugs are outside influences to dopamine production but in the end they have the same effect on the brain as a behavioral addiction. The scary part is that with behavioral addictions every mammal on the planet is susceptible to them

So since all addictions are really the same when it comes to changes in behavior he gave a quick test that addiction specialists use to see if someone is addicted to something. He called it the four C’s:

1. Inability to Control use
2. Compulsion to use
3. Continued use despite adverse Consequences
4. Craving - Physical and psychological

I have to admit I exhibit all 4 of these with porn.

He goes on to talk about an even worse issue with overuse of porn and that is it leads to Erectile Dysfunction or ED. I don’t think I have this, thank god, but I have come close a few times in my life and have had a hard time with real partners especially if I had used porn with-in the same day.

<sidenote>Sorry past partners if you are reading this. It’s not your fault and I hope you never think it was. I messed myself up when I was younger and take full responsibility.</sidenote>

So as you can see I am addicted to porn and as hard as that is to write I need to fix it. The good thing is the brain can be reprogrammed, it’s not set in stone.

I am setting the goal of no internet porn or masturbation for the next 6 months. Now you might be wondering why I included masturbation as well. Well then guys on the site think it really does help out with the healing process as they found that masturbating made a lot of them slip up and start using porn again. So instead of making the same mistakes I will learn from them and withhold that as well.

The good news is I have read a bunch of the testimonials from the site and guys are having awakenings and shedding their depression and social anxiety and to me that would be the biggest miracle of all as I can be very motivated and have tons of great ideas but some wave of depression or social anxiety has always gotten in the way. I am not making excuses as I know there will always be something but I have made it harder then it has to be.

In the end I need to fix myself. I don’t want to throw away another long relationship because I am broken.

I know putting myself out there like this so publicly could backfire one day but I think we need to start talking about these issues more publicly as they are real issues. We need to stop making it so voodo to talk about and hope that me making this public will help others to reach out and try to get help as well knowing that there are others out there going through the same thing you are.

If you have any questions feel free to tweet me or leave a comment below and we can take the conversation offline or you can also visit the site YourBrainOnPorn.com  as they have a ton more information then I can talk about in a single post. There is also a reddit group talking about this as well at http://www.reddit.com/r/nofap.

I’ll leave you with a song that expresses how I feel now that I have this off my chest and I am fixing it. Who doesn’t like a little Tom Petty...

#thatisall

click here to follow Jeff on twitter!

#NerdsUnite: 35 and single - now what? (hike of bliss)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet by buddy Jeff. We met on twitter a little while back, and then over Christmas I helped him revamp his OKC profile. He's now here to talk to you about his life outside of the programming world. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT JEFF!!! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @Jtwebman

This week I am trying something new. Instead of typing my blog online on Google Docs, I decided to climb to the top of the first flatiron in Boulder, CO and write it with a pen and paper. It was a 2,700 foot elevation gain in 2.6 miles but has a great view.

It has been years since I have been in shape enough and been in Colorado to do this hike. It was the hike I did as a kid many times especially in High School to clear my head and focus.

I also had not written on paper, besides sticky notes, in years. I have to say I miss it though I am sure my hand will hurt at the end on this.

Last week I wrote about how we need to hustle everyday to get what we want in life. If you missed that post you can read it here. At the end I was blessed with the knowledge of Jen Friel where she added an editors note. I always love getting these because it means I missed the mark a little and she guilds me back on the path and that is what she did.

I have been so focused the last month on YouTube and getting things done but I had forgot other things. So I took this week and this hike to clear my mind and figure out what my bliss is.

Well I still don’t know. I love making videos so I could say that but not sure I could say it’s a bliss but it does make me happy. I love programming but after doing it for 13 years I have gotten into a rut.

I love hiking and walking and had thought about doing something crazy like walking from my current home in Westminster, Colorado to LA, California and blogging and vlogging the whole journey just to see if I could do it and then maybe eventually walking from the Pacific ocean in California to the Atlantic ocean in New York. The Marine in me wanting to push myself as far as I can.

I love coming up with ideas especially in the software and mobile world. I have 5 money making ideas now but programming all day long and then programming all night just doesn’t sound appealing to me. So I would love to have a group of programmer minions to work on my ideas but I would even know where to start.

As you can see I have a little A.D.D. I never learned to focus unless it was physical pain to push through that’s why last month I decided to focus on YouTube and make serous run at it. It’s also why I am moving to LA in June. I want to focus on it for the next 2 to 3 years and hopefully stop programming and just do it full time.

One of my last loves is Social media. I can get lost in it for hours and not even notice how much time has past. Programming is the same way for me. I can work on a issue or some task and have 3 hours pass in the blink of an eye. So my guess would be one of those two items might be more my bliss then YouTube. I guess only time will tell but for now I am going to stay laser focused on YouTube and social media.

I am going to wrap this up now as I still have to climb down 2,700 feet of slippery snow packed trail to get home. Hope this makes sense after I type it out to submit the post.

Thanks again Jen for setting me on the path. At this rate I am going to owe you 100 beers by the time I get out to LA.

Also if you want to see more pictures from the hike here is a link to them on flickr.

#thatisall

click here to follow Jeff on twitter!

#NerdsUnite: 35 and single - now what? (every day I'm hustling)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet by buddy Jeff. We met on twitter a little while back, and then over Christmas I helped him revamp his OKC profile. He's now here to talk to you about his life outside of the programming world. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT JEFF!!! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @Jtwebman

This week I wanted to talk about something Jen Friel said on twitter this week. She had gone to New York for a quick trip and was back in LA a few days later. Here is the conversation we had over Twitter:

Notice the hash tag she used #hustlehard. It really got me thinking and looking at a bunch of people that are successful in life or at least what I see as successful. It also made me think back over all those Robert Kiyosaki, Donald Trump and other business success books and one huge thing I had missed was they all worked hard “Hustle” everyday.

They don’t tend to watch much TV or play games or goof off on social networks. They had there goals and they worked 24/7 to get to those goals. It’s not just in business ether. Talk to any band, or any blogger, or any YouTuber and you will notice they work hard all the time to get where they are. Jen even covered it this week in her blog post on getting sponsors.

I think this is way different then most people think. I think most people, and I did at one point, think you can become successful in a job working 40-50 hours a week. It’s what we were taught in school including all the way through college. We are taught to do our time and get our pay raises and move into management. We are taught that going out on our own is risky, how will you get health insurance, 401k retirement plans, a steady paycheck, etc...

I now understand that it’s just not the truth. To be successful you are going to have to work a lot more. You are going to have to always be hustling so make sure it’s something you can lose yourself in. You are going to have to take risks and learn from your mistakes. 

Now there are hundreds of books written on this so I’ll stop there. Just know that no one has become successful by being average or following the crowed.

After having this realization I had to take a serous look at what I am doing daily and what would be considered hustling vs. wasting time. So I made a list of the things I tend to do daily that are time wasters:

1. Play Facebook and or Google+ games
2. Watch YouTube videos - Only because I watch a few hours a day like TV.
3. Twitter - I am totally addicted to twitter and spend way to much time on it though I do get work done on it too which makes it even harder to filter.
4. Watch TV shows on Hulu or Netflix
5. Watch Movies

So after taking a real look at what I do I figured I waste at least 5 to 6 hours a day and even more on the weekends. Now I know I will need some down time but I don’t think I need it daily. Most of the time I do these things because I am procrastinating. So this is step 1, admitting to procrastination.

Now I need to figure out how to stop doing some of those things listed above and use that time to hustle more. So that is the next step and what I plan on working this week to figure out. If you have any tips feel free to leave a comment below or tweet me.

Thanks Jen for opening my eyes!

With that I leave you with this funny song about just that!

#thatisall

click here to follow Jeff on twitter!

Editors note: It's not just about spending hours and hours doing something (although yes, you will get better at anything the more you practice); it is about finding your bliss. Every. single. day. I walk in joy and in bliss because this site resonates so deeply in my soul. Working on this site is like breathing to me - I can't imagine not doing it, and it is CRUCIAL to my bliss. I've done a lot of self work in the last two years focusing on myself and figuring out who I am, what I want, what I'm afraid of. All I am doing is documenting it now. You already have the answers to every question you will ever want to ask, it is your job to turn inward and to listen to that voice letting it guide you. I work hella hard on this site, but again, it's not a "job" to me - its my everything. First step in finding your bliss is addressing your fears. That was the VEERRRYYYYY first thing I did before I went on my journey. For me it was skydiving, my biggest fear - by going it opened up another layer to my noggin, and lead me down the rabbit hole that now is my life. 

Start with fear ... it is a stumbling block and will only impede your success (whatever that means to you). 

Here is the face of my fear ... 

Rock on! 

#NerdsUnite: 35 and single - now what? (play to your strength)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet by buddy Jeff. We met on twitter a little while back, and then over Christmas I helped him revamp his OKC profile. He's now here to talk to you about his life outside of the programming world. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT JEFF!!! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @Jtwebman

So this week I made another video like I planned but it was a little harder to make. You can check it out here. I had to do a few more takes and so the more energetic takes had to many mistakes to use them. I was bummed but was just going to make sure I gave more energy in all my takes next week.

Then my roommate Jeff Vaccaro or JV had this great idea for me. He said I should put more sarcasm and opinion into the stories and make them shorter. Now we have been friends for over 10 years and we have worked together at multiple jobs in the past so he knew me well enough to know that I would be good at that as well as not take offense to it. Now I wasn’t sure at first but I looked back over the videos I have made I could see those parts being the best parts.

He basically told me I should play my strengths which he is right. I have been using the models of Cali Lewis’s Geekbeat and Philip DeFranco’s YouTube channel but JV opened my eyes to see I need to make a show that shows off my strengths. I need to be focusing more on getting better at what I am already good at. So this week that I what I plan on doing.

I plan on making a video Tuesday, and Friday but shorter 2-3 videos talking about news items that are interesting to me but using more sarcastic humor and my opinion. It will be a hard challenge for me as I don’t want to just be sarcastic without humor. The world has enough people like that already. Also giving your opinion means I will get people that disagree but I don’t shy away from it in the real world so why not try it out on YouTube.

I also plan on doing less takes and more stories that way I can just pull out the best ones for the show. This will also help out because it will be more videos a week and more camera time for me. Since it had been months prior to the last 2 shows it has been hard getting back in front of the camera and getting comfortable with it again. So the more shows I can do the easier and more comfortable I will get.

Now I am not saying it’s bad to get better at what you are week at but we all know Einstein got where he was because he played to his strengths. Professional sports works the same way. We should do the same and  focus more on strengths and less on what we are not good at. Here is a great video talking about just that:

Would you guys agree with that? I know some people would rather be well rounded.

I know I ended up talking more about video production then playing to your strengths but I thought that video did 1000 times better at talking about it then I could have. He also has a part 2 if you want to check it out showing a great way to find your strengths.

I hope that video helped you out and have a great week!

#thatisall

click here to follow Jeff on twitter!

#NerdsUnite: 35 and single - now what? (Free your awesome)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet by buddy Jeff. We met on twitter a little while back, and then over Christmas I helped him revamp his OKC profile. He's now here to talk to you about his life outside of the programming world. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT JEFF!!! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @Jtwebman

This week I wanted to talk about a ebook I bought this last week. I normally don’t like buying ebooks but Michelle Vargas is a YouTuber I have watch for awhile now and the only one that I knew of that has created a ebook. She gives great advice to people trying to get through hard times and is always trying to make her viewers better people. The best part about her is that she does this by being entertaining and with her funny off wall comedy. You can check out her main channel called FartWithHeadphonesOn. I also want to point out that I do not know Michelle personally and I am not being paid in any way to do this review. I am only doing this review because the book moved me.

So the book was called “Free Your Awesome” and it cost me $20. Which at first I thought was a little pricey but she had a 30 day money back guarantee so I figured I had nothing to lose. Plus, I had watch her long enough to know that $20 was nothing for as much time and heart that she put into making it. She has gone through a lot in the last 3 months since losing her mom in a fight against cancer and even with all that she still is thinking about her viewers.

The first chapter she goes into how self help can be boring but once you break that barrier of knowing we all need help and learn from others it’s not that big of a deal. I never really had this problem as I have been reading self help books since High School. I know it’s helped me to grow thought my life. It also has allowed me to keep a open mind and has helped me learn daily. So if you have never read a self help book this would be a great one to start with.

The second chapter she talks about having a magic 8-ball and how we need to learn to make decisions. She talks about how failures are good which I agree and how they can become successes which is a huge theme throughout the book. One thing that was awesome about this book was at this point she really opens up to her insecurities and how she overcame them as she started her career in New York city. In that respect her book was a lot like this blog in that we all open up and share those insecurities about our life on here. I have to say I am proud to be a part of it.

Now I don’t want to go chapter by chapter and spoil it so I’ll just stop there. Lets just say I have read it twice already and once I started reading I couldn’t stop till the end.

Some highlights for me were. She really showed me how to live more in the now which is something I forgot as I got older. When we were kids tomorrow and a week from now was hard for use to grasp because we were always living in the now. If we wanted something we took the steps to make it happen now not next week. Tomorrow and next week seemed like forever back then.

She reminded me that there is nothing wrong with me. That confidence is not something I was born with and that losing it and not having it is very normal. It’s something we get from hard work and doing something over and over again.

She showed me how this life is one great journey and that the journey is worth 10,000 times more then the end goal.

She showed me how fear is a good indicator it’s something I should be doing.

But the number one thing I took from the book was that I should do stuff I am proud of and to craft my life into whatever I want and love. Which was a great kick in the butt!

In reading this I learned that Michelle and I are a lot alike in that we are always trying to become the best possible person and we want to bring as many alone with us as we can. I hope to meet her one day as she has helped me get unstuck from the suck and has taught me so much about myself.

So pickup this book up right away. It’s worth every penny I paid for it and much much more. Thank you Michelle from being awesome and showing the path to so many more. You can pick up the book on her website at http://freeyourawesome.com/.

Side note I posted my first YouTube show in over 3 months and I am on goal to post one each week like I talked about in my last post. You can check out the show here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rg-p5ShoVrA

#thatisall

click here to follow Jeff on twitter!