#RealDeal: 50 Shades of Friel (that time I became a FinDomme)

<editorsnote> Dear mom and dad, this post is probably not a good post for you to read. Love you! </editorsnote> 

So, last night, I thought I was going to dollar taco night in the valley to catch up with some friends (in crypto) and pitch an idea that I have in the space ... 

... only I wound up at the Waldorf Astoria rooftop (not my recommendation) ... 

... got kicked out of a (coincidentally) crypto-event-based happy hour ... tried talking my way out of it (with a full plate of every food they were offering at the buffet later) ... epically failed ... only to walk back over to the table and ask my friends confused wondering "what gave me away?" My new "girlfriend" and I happened to be stopped by a group of guys as we were leaving, so I wondered if security thought we were "working the event?" 

Considering our happy hour tab was SEVEN HUNDRED DOLLARS I kinda wish I was "working it." (We had a big group but not SEVEN HUNDRED DOLLARS big.) Only not selling my body for sex. Cause, that's kinda not my thing. BUT I was a findomme once. And yes, that actually IS a thing.  

Per UrbanDictionary: 

Maestro ... 

Last June, I got an email from a new Talk Nerdy fan ... 

As I've said previously, HANDS DOWN (er tied up?) the most popular series of posts I have ever written has been the adventures in being a DIY Domme. (Which is why when I repackaged the Bruckheimer/ CBS pilot, we chose this exact topic. It's all a numbers game in media.) Like another monthly visitor, I still to this day (and equally as regularly) get tweets ... 

and Facebook messages ... 

Most are interested in being one of my slaves, but some generally ask questions about the "scene" and or life in general ... 

The funny thing is that when you ignore them, they actually enjoy it ... 

Like I'd ever accept a slave that starts a sentence off with "yo." 

I'm not sure what it was about his Financial Domination email that interested me. Timing? Maybe. Money certainly isn't a motivator, nor is the idea of accepting gifts from someone I don't know. (Remember this post?) I view "gifts" of any kind as a form of power; I am only willing to accept something if it has meaningful value and as someone who is very selective, it made me question if I could go through with this. 

Isn't that the point?, I wondered. 

I thought back to when I accepted my first slave, six years and one FULL lifetime ago. I was naturally curious with the radical honesty of the slave and while on my end it wasn't sexual, I did discover my own voice and power in the process. But now? I know what I have and quietly carry that with confidence. Why repeat the life experience, I wondered?

I took a full 24 hours to think about it before I responded. 

As an entrepreuner, I find myself frequently asking for money so being in a position where I demanded it felt like a (pun intended) value add.

Besides, at that point I wasn't dating someone and if I'm not fucking someone, I might as well fuck with someone. 

He followed my response with another email ... 

I read the first sentence and immediately flipped into full Domme. 

Always with the puns.

Two days and one decision later, I sent another email ... 

Typing the word "pig" made reminded me of the nursery rhyme and how I'm not sure if this is what they actually meant when they sent "that little piggy off to the market." Funny, how that rhyme is also about feet. 

A few hours later, he sent this. 

He also sent a screenshot (which was nice since I didn't have to click a link and wait those extra seconds for the page to load). 

I thought, before opening up the image ... 

I actually happened to like the shoes he picked (practical and I can dress them up and down), but I wasn't going to accept any sort of first offer. 

<tangent> Giving myself the name "Mistress Jennifer" helped me compartmentalize the dynamic; my whole life I've been Jen (and mostly Jen Friel - all spoken as one word). I was only ever called Jennifer as a child when I was doing something I wasn't "supposed to," (hehe) and now as an adult I'll call myself Jennifer only to someone I've met when I don't want them to google me. It's not hard to still connect the dots, but I feel like it helps. </tangent> 

It's important to note the boundary of time (which is important in the sub/ Domme dynamic). Once I gave him a command, he was truly out of my mind until he performed the task to my satisfaction. Then and only then did I begin to think about him again.

Needing to stay on task of time myself (particularly living with an out of sight out of mind mentality) meant that I set an alarm down to the minute from when I clicked send on the email (and not just when he received it).

::sets alarm:: 

I set it to "slave fail" knowing that the likelihood of him ACTUALLY pleasing me would be so low.

Four hours is very generous, btw; I was testing to see what he would do with it. Is he the kinda sub that would wait until the last minute? Those won't last long with me. If I was going to do this, I needed to be in complete control of his mind at all times, and make sure I was one step ahead or I ran the risk of being "topped from the bottom." 

I love that BDSM has their own version of wikipedia ... 

I made that mistake before, and like a good nerd, I wasn't willing to do it again. 

Two hours and 37 minutes later, he completed my command. 

18 minutes later, I sent a reply ... 

31 minutes later, he sent this ...

11 minutes later I sent this ... 

4 minutes later he sent this ... 

Exactly at 9:45 the next morning, I sent this ... 

I also attached a photo of the polish ... 

31 minutes later the shoes were ordered (with the expedited shipping). 

(It reads: Yes, Mistress Jennifer. I have ordered your shoes and paid for the expedited shipping. Thank you for allowing me to purchase these shoes for you Mistress. I am very thankful for this opportunity. I will give you the tracking information as soon as I receive it Mistress Jennifer.) 

I opened the attachment ... 

$118 - told you I was worth more than an amazon gift card. ::pfft::

36 minutes later I sent this ... 

Three hours and 10 minutes later he sent a link to the tracking ... 

Command complete, my attention went to things that had value.

Testing his willingness to submit, I gave a second command in the same day (technically speaking two hours and 46 minutes later) ... 

17 minutes later he sent this ... 

By sending this he failed. Do you see what I did? I said VERY SPECIFICALLY for him to take the photo but to also send me an email when he was ready. Knowing how eager he would be for me to see that he is pleasing, meant that he would more likely than not miss that part - going straight to just the action. If he didn't miss it, I'd now know how detail oriented he is and to stay EVEN MORE ontop of my game to avoid being topped myself. 

Remember the part about having to stay one step ahead of him mentally?

That photo is me succeeding.  

I let him learn of his failure four minutes later ...

58 minutes later he sent this ... 

16 minutes later I sent this ... 

I'm still proud of that line, "I don't speak the language of beg. Start groveling." 

23 minutes later he sent this ... 

I waited until the next morning to respond.

At 9:30 I sent this ... 

At 11:25, I checked with our office manager to see if I had received a package. 

Not yet, she said. 

I explained it was from a potential slave and if it wasn't here for my meeting at noon, he has failed. 

She smiled, but wasn't surprised. 

See, my plan was to walk into my Talk Nerdy TV development meeting saying the sentence, "my new slave just bought me these," and put the shoe box down on the table in front of the executives to freak them out a bit. 

If he failed, I wouldn't have that life experience. That would leave me verrryyyy disappointed ...

Two minutes after 12, I sent him this (the headline read failure) ... 

44 minutes later he sent this ... 

9 minutes later I sent this ... 

60 minutes later he sent this ... 

I then went to my meeting, and when the executives asked how my day was, (without skipping a beat), I said "fine until my slave failed. It's so hard finding good ones."  

I then explained what I was doing and how real all of these stories are. "There is so much more too," I said sitting down on the couch "and you can ask me anything but I'm really excited to show you what we came up with." (The "we" referencing the woman who actually wrote the pilot and my true partner in crime.) 

By the end of the meeting, the execs left with a smile ... 

And on the drive home, I wondered what I wanted the slave to do next. So many disappointments, he clearly wasn't taking this seriously enough. 

As I put my hair in a pony, I noticed some split ends.

I got an idea as I emailed CLEARLY FEELING GENEROUS ... 

Two hours and 38 minutes later, without a reply, I sent this ... 

54 minutes into pending termination, I looked down at my phone (obviously to respond to a man worthy of Goddess attention) and noticed there was still no response. 

<tangent> The term "Goddess" btw is common for a domme "in the scene." The use of capitals is also intentional. </tangent> 

General rules in a scene is that you have to be crystal clear when something is over. Not receiving the information requested, I terminated his consideration. 

I'd say that I cared, but I had better things to do. 

Sometime the next day, he sent me this ... 

I didn't respond. 

He messaged again ... 

Look at me using the word "he." This isn't a man; I wouldn't even consider this "thing" to be a little pig. How does one fail at that?!?! 

LOOK! IT'S A PIG DOING SOMETHING CUTE!! 

Focus Friel. Back to the post ... 

I looked at my calendar and down at my hair. I really could use some pampering after dealing with such stupidity for a whole 32 hours. 

Sometime later I emailed him back ... 

He then sent this ... 

I sent this ... 

He sent this ... 

Then, (hilariously) the hair salon actually made a mistake by misspelling my last name ...
Which of COURSE wasn't actually their mistake ... it his.

I sent this ... 

He sent this ... 

I sent this ... 

Remember, the command was for him to "tell the receptionist that this is a gift from a pathetic piece of shit." I've been going to that particular salon for years, so I know they'd have a solid laugh and be down.

He sent this ...

 

I sent this ... 

He sent this ... 

He remembered to wait before sending. Looks like someone is finally paying attention. 

I sent this ... 

I sent this ... 

Seconds later he sent this (CLEARLY NOT GETTING THE PICTURE) ... 

I sent this ... 

He sent this ... 

The next afternoon, I sent this ... 

Have you seen the video and ever read the lyrics? 

Here's the chorus: 'Cause you're a god
And I am not
And I just thought
That you would know
You're a god
And I am not
And I just thought
I'd let you go

Three hours later, a familiar pattern reappeared. 

I emailed as the alarm went off ... 

Oh, and I also sent him the screenshot as visual reminder of his failing ... 

And there you have it. That was my experience as a findomme. Oh and the hair salon? Coincidentally my hairdresser switched salons so I have no idea if he completed the command. And for the shoes? They arrived, but he failed. So, I gave them to my partner in crime and co-pilot for the TV show.

 

What's the saying? One man's trash is another woman's treasure? 

After all that, and he still never got a photo of my feet. Guess I'll just have to find a slave that's actually worthy. Know of any? 

#nerdsunite 

#WTF: About the last 48 hours ... Can I get a rundown? (macbook pro retina, Aston Martin, monogamy, slave)

Alrite, so I guess I didn't take my own advice and "take it easy" because the last 24-36 hours have been anything but. 

So, I landed on Wednesday and was COMPLETELY exhausted from my trip back east. The holidays in general are so draining with all the activity, the bullshit lines at the airport, and the hassle of trying to figure out how to get from point A to B in a new city. As much as I love DC and LOVE getting to visit my brother and do cool things like have lunch at the Pentagon, my family and I all agreed that that was our last Christmas up there for the next few years. 

<tangent> Two things though about the trip that were kinda funny: 

1) My diamond tears from Monster headphones totally got me in trouble at the Pentagon. 

- The pentagon is a SUPER confusing place, and the heightened tension from wondering if I was "in the right place" causes me to get extremely, extremely edgy. I made it into the Pentagon alrite. I had a lovely lunch with my brother followed by a super fancy pants tour. He was then walking me out and told me to just go back the way that I came and I'd be able to find my way. Not a problem, I said giving him a big hug. I then took off the "visitor escort required" badge they give you and walked out of the pentagon. 

I then put on my diamond tears headphones and put on "Don't Stop The Party" by my future baby daddy Pitbull. I made a left to go out past security followed by two rights which was the EXACT manner in which I entered. 

I then see this guy dressed in civilian clothing motion to me to turn around.

I comply and am IMMEDIATELY grabbed by a security guard. 

MA'AM he shouts, I've been screaming at you. You can't walk this direction. You HAVE to leave down that sidewalk. 

Can I still get to the little tunnel, I ask him? 

He stares at me like I'm an idiot. 

Yes. He says sternly, but you can't go that way unless you have a pass. Do you have a pass? 

No, I say. I'm just leaving. 

He continues to point motioning for me to leave. 

I laugh as I look down at my watch and notice it only took me an hour and a half to get yelled at by someone at the Pentagon. New personal record I think as I crank back up my tunes. 

2) A dude on a TV show that my brother is obsessed with asked me to have his children. True Story. 

My brother and I were sitting around watching some movie over the holidays, and throughout the entire flick my phone kept going off. I finally answered one of the texts and almost spit out my drink. 

What is it, asked my brother? 

Do you watch the show, exwhyzee? 

Yeah, he said, I love it. 

Well, you know the character eniemeanieminiemo? 

Yeah, he said. 

He just asked me to have his children. 

WHAT?! asked my brother grabbing my cell. 

He then read some of his text as he got up to refill his drink. 

Do you think you could ask him for an autograph, he asked? (My brother has NEVER asked me for anyone's autograph before. He's Mr. Washington DC. He could not care LESS!) 

Dude, screw the autograph. Take my phone and just keep texting him! 

I then texted him and warned him that it was my brother and not me. 

The two went back and forth for a bit. The actor even being kind enough to share a photo of him on set filming some movie. 

I then take the phone back and keep texting. 

Thanks for that, I say. He's a big fan of the show. 

Not a problem, he wrote back as we continued to text. 

(This dude and I have been dating for a few months but he kinda annoys me. I'm VERY much a do-er and this guy is all talk. It's EXTREMELY frustrating. I don't get people like that.) 

Either way, cool moment, and definitely gave me LOADS of brownie points with my brother. </tangent> 

After I landed on Wednesday I grabbed a Super Shuttle and headed back home collapsing on the couch as I arrived. 

I'm.

So. 

Tired. 

I then got a Facebook email from my buddy Tim who was in town visiting family. 

We still on for later? he asked. 

See, anytime I'm ever traveling, or anytime you guys are - you can ALWAYS hit me up in social media if you wanna grab a drink. I'm INCREDIBLY grateful for all of you reading, so I make it an UNBELIEVABLE priority in my life to make sure I give you all some of that time back. 

In this moment, however, I was extremely tired. 

Yes, I said. But can we meet for soda and not drinks? I might fall asleep in my beer. 

Not a problem, he said messaging me back. 

We then met up at one of my favorite West Hollywood spots. 

We kicked it for about a half hour before I admitted my exhaustion. 

Dude, I gotta get some sleep, I said. 

We then high fived and hugged as we went on our merry ways. 

Thursday was more of the same. I had a few meetings then had to run a ton of errands. Then at about 7:30 I got hit up by my manager who was having dinner down the street from me. 

Want to come by? he asked. 

Sure, I said. 

<tangent> My manager is a nutso. He's EXTREMELY blunt and radically honest about EVERYTHING. 

This is why we get along so well. </tangent>

Hello, I say greeting him and his friend at the bar. 

I then went into a bit of my back story as my manager had teed me up. 

We then all started talking about relationships and the topic of monogamy came up. 

I don't know if I believe in monogamy, I admitted. 

What do you mean? Asked the guys. 

I meet person after person at bars, parties, really anywhere ... and when I find out they are married I ask the same two questions, "is it what you thought it would be, and are you happy?" 

Most of the people I have talked to have admitted that they're not happy and it's not at all what they expected. 

How can one little ring on a finger suppress our animalistic tendencies? I could totally see myself being in an open marriage. I want my husband to be happy with whatever that means. As long as we are open and communicative during the process I have seen it TREMENDOUSLY heighten the relationships of couples. 

I'm not saying it's the only way to go, and the only way I am going to know is by a first hand experience, but I can say I am very open to it and I have seen FIRST HAND my friends be so much happier because of it. 

Men and women need to feel wanted by the opposite sex so what's wrong with exploring that? It'll keep you on your toes while in the marriage and remind you to never take your partner for granted. 

The men could see my side, but the conversation quickly changed as our super attractive waitress approached. 

Case in point, I thought. 

Then, Friday morning I woke up early and headed to Hollywood for an appointment at ReaniMac.

<tangent> I'm working with this new start up and in my contract I put in that I wanted a new macbook pro retina. See, their new site is HEAVY on graphics and video so it made sense to go for the best in regards to dealing with the visuals. My buddy and the developer that I brought on to the project also got one. 

We were very very very happy campers and Truman is the MAN!!!!!!!!! The dude is a super genius and will answer ALL of your questions while giving you hands down the best deal ever on your devices. He will have my business forever and ever. TRUTH!!! </tangent> 

I spent about an hour at ReaniMac and on our way out the dude funding the site helped me with the computers. 

Where are you parked, he asked? 

I smile. 

I take the city bus, I admitted but I was just going to cab it back so no one tried to rob me. 

He starts laughing. Get in the car. 

He then unlocks his vehicle and it's an Aston Martin. 

Of course this is what you drive, I thought to myself. 

I then struggled to figure out the door handle. 

Where is it?!?! I thought. 

I then bent over and noticed that the handle was actually molded into the vehicle and you had to push one of the corners of it in to get the handle to open. 

So cool, I thought. 

I then get in the car as I am handed the 15" Macbook pro retinas. 

He starts to drive as I laugh at myself and this lifestyle. 

It's Friday morning at 11 am and I am now riding in an Aston Martin with not one, but TWO Macbook Pro retinas on my lap. HOW is this real life?!?!?!? 

I laugh as I compliment him on his ride and thank him for the computers. 

Not a problem, he said. Play around with them and let's talk next week. 

Great, I said getting out of the car and walking into my apartment. 

I then hopped in the shower and got a text from my buddy (the developer that is getting the other macbook pro). 

Are you home, it asked. 

Yes, I texted back from the shower. Come by. 

GREAT!! He texted back. 

I quickly popped out of the shower and got dressed before he arrived. 

He came in more excited than a kid on Christmas.

This is GREAT!!!! It's so pretty!!! 

I know, I said. This project is going to be AWESOME to work on. 

We then talked a bit about next steps for moving forward and then I informed him that unfortunately I had to get going. 

I have a slave coming by at 1:30 and I have to finish getting ready. 
You have a slave coming by? asked my friend. Of COURSE you do, Jen. 

I smiled as I continued to do my hair and put on some make up. 

I then prepped my feet with a freshly painted pedicure and some lotion as I placed on my super sch-exy new shoes. 

My slave then arrived a few minutes later with his hood on. 

<tangent> This is the first slave I had and one of my favorites. He gives the BEST massages and is responsible for getting me into this world in the first place. He's into objectification, humiliation and like me, he is slightly sadistic. </tangent> 

He had emailed me prior reminding him what he was into, but said at the end of the day it was obviously all my call. 

I'm going to ignore you today, I emailed back referencing my new macbook pro retina that was FAR more interesting than dealing with a stupid slave. 

For about the next hour he proceeded to massage my very tired feet. 

I posted about it on Facebook ... 

click the screenshot to read the comments on Facebook

After I was done with the slave I then shooed him away telling him we would speak soon. 

I really want to explore being a better domme, I thought. There have to be classes or something I can take to learn better domination techniques. 

<tangent> Again, NONE of what I do with my slaves is sexual - it's ALLLLLLL psychological. These dudes are all SUPER fancy pants and almost all of them have super important jobs that they want an escape from. It's SO fascinating. </tangent> 

Then, as if the universe heard me, I got an email from a very old dear friend I worked with on a start up back in 2007. 

Don't judge me, said the title of the email. 

This is going to be GREAT, I thought!!! 

I opened up the email and he informed me of this new company he was doing web work for. I've attached the press release, it read. 

I scroll down and in BIIIGGGG bold letters see ... 

SHERI’S RANCH LAUNCHES SEXUAL FANTASY ROLE PLAYING EXPERIENCE WITH “SHERI’S PLAYLAND”

Legal Nevada brothel lets clients live out their fantasies in detail

OMG, I thought reading the email. This is SO spectacular. 

I then notice that one of the fantasies available includes domination. 

YES YES YES!!! I thought!! I can learn from a true domme here!!! This is going to be GREAT!!!! 

I then emailed my buddy back and asked if I could spend a few days there exploring their world in exchange for writing about it. 

Who better to learn from than a domme working at a brothel in FREAKING VEGAS?!?!?! 

Let me see what I can do, replied back my buddy. 

ANNNNDDD NOOOWWW, we wait. 

Actually, I take that back. I really need to go and do laundry. I should get a house slave for this crap. Anyone want to apply? 

#thatisall

#NerdsUnite: When and when not to trust your animal instinct

Alrite, so I started using OkCupid in July of 2010 in an effort to break the pattern I had of dating douches. See, their site uses math to get you dates so rather than just saying, oh! this guy is cute, or oh! this guy gave me butterflies - I could try their algorithm to say yes, statistically speaking you are compatible with this person. No fuss, no muss and in my head at least eliminated a few more variables in dating.

The result? 103 dates in 9 months later - and all I did was learn about myself. I'm not mad at it clearly since self awareness is the key to EVERYTHING in life ... but after starting work with a Modern Day Shaman (@realityadjacent), I toned down the public documentation in real time of my dating and started speaking my own personal truth (understanding the universe will automatically attract like energy so I didn't need the dating site as much).

I still dated on OKC, obvi, but I did start also dating "organically."

On January 26th I got hit in the head with a brick (it was a Thursday), but after writing about it the following Saturday I decided when all was said and done I was going to get RIGHT BACK on the saddle and go back to Sunset (where I got attacked) and not be afraid to still continue living my little nomadic lifestyle.

I then went to one of my fav bars, and after a few hours of being there I got recognized (the guy told me he read the site and even asked if it was an OkCupid date).

I turned around to look at him, laughing while doing so, and when I saw the guy it was BBBAAAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM. I had sonar for this guy from the second I laid eyes on him (and at this point I hadn't had that kind of response from a guy since Romeo).

It shocked me.

Yes, this guy was incredibly attractive but having dated so many models and actors looks are the LAST thing that ever ever ever interest me in a guy.

<tangent> I can't describe that visceral response ... it's energetic ... it's this wavelength that we all send out. </tangent>

Whatever it was, this guy had it, and I wanted more.

We then started dating, and it lasted for about a month before he sat me down one night (in my bedroom) and told me that he wasn't in the right headspace to be in anything serious.

Tears streamed down my face.

You're emotionally unavailable too?

He smiled as he comforted me wiping away the tears; because he read the blogs he also understood part of my baseline and why that was so frustrating for me.

I then picked myself back up, and accepted a date with a new guy. (It's funny because the one thing that usually keeps guys away from wanting to date me is the ONE thing that always keeps me dating!! As humbly as possible, there is never ... EVER a short supply in LA.)

He and I dated for a few months, but then in April - Romeo came back into my life.

Romeo being my kryptonite, however, I decided to put an end to our contacting each other since after 8 years he STILL has yet to arrive at a place in his life where we could be in a serious and committed relationship.

Flash forward to a few weeks ago, and I met this guy at a bar. He sat down with a group of my friends and IMMEDIATELY commanded the attention of everyone.

Not in the "look at me kinda way" but in this energetic manner that he presented himself; he was one of the most present people I had ever been around.

My attention was then naturally drawn to him and we swapped numbers and wound up kicking it a few weeks later. (After the finance guy and I were officially doner than done.)

Again, my spidey animal instincts kicked in ... and I can't describe what this guy had, but I knew I wanted it. It wasn't quite the "sonar" that I had felt with the guy I met after the brick incident, but his presence was UNDENIABLE and the HOTTEST THING EVER.

We then went back to my place and made out like 8th graders.

It was hot ... really really really hot ... but low and behold ... because HE also read the site he knew that I wasn't looking just for a make out sesh and wanted to be a good guy and give me the heads up that he wasn't looking to commit to anyone anytime soon.

I laughed saying it wasn't like I wanted to put a ring on it tomorrow, but after spending almost all of my 20s single, and only being in one real relationship my entire life - I was ready for the next step in the process.

Hey, we all have to start somewhere and I am MORE than ready to start learning.

We then parted ways, and last night I got to talking to our new social dynamic expert on the site.

I asked him from an extremely genuine place to be 100% real with me and address some of my issues. I'm here to learn and I'm here to be transparent so I can better myself.

The problem might not be you though, he said - you just have to change your screening process.

There are subtle words you can drop into a conversation to see how a guy responds.

You can't just ask guys right off the bat if they are looking for something more committed, but you can say, I am now in a STABLE place in my life and am excited to be in this wonderful RELATIONSHIP with my work. 

I then thought back to the mentalist and some of the tools he used ... this makes SO MUCH SENSE, I replied back.

My biggest problem though is in my animal instinct; my wiring is off, I can literally feel it.

What do you mean, he said.

With the guy that I met after I got hit in the head with the brick, I remember laying on top of him one night, post sex, and feeling his chest saying I could feel the love coming from his heart.

He tilted his head and said, that's not love.

I remember that moment and remember IMMEDIATELY feeling this big - red flag - but I couldn't deny PHYSICALLY what this guy was doing to me.

That feeling, that energy, that vibration causes a TANGIBLE and PHYSICAL reaction. My body can't HELP on a VERY VERY VERY physical level BUT to be attracted to these kinds of guys.

Even with the algorithm, I picked the only 4 emotionally unavailable. I had a breakthrough with the finance guy, but I'm still not there yet and as a female it is a VERY scary thing to not be able to trust your animal instinct.

You shouldn't discredit though the guys that you are physically attracted to. (I mentioned to him always being weak in the knees for tall, dark, and handsome. I was 6 running around the house saying over and over how I was going to marry Antonio Banderas.)

How can I not discredit it though when it is that VERY PHYSICAL response that has lead me to a place of unavailability?

He wasn't exactly sure, but after spending the rest of the night thinking about it - I realized the answer was already inside of me.

If I need to rewire and reprocess maybe I need to redefine what "self love" means to me. Again, if life is reflective and if like energy is attracting, do I love myself enough to understand how much another guy could ever love me?

What vibration AM I sending out to these guys and what in me can place my hand on someone's chest and BE SO FAR OFF on their vibrational level.

Me time ... need to go and explore my own personal truth.

How am I going to do that??

Through motherfucking domination!!

It's HILARIOUS how all of these steps just end up clicking without me ever realizing it.

So, tonight, I am taking a new foot slave over to an s&m shop to pick up some bondage gear. (I am taking him to a club Saturday night on a leash, so I want him to wear a hood so he can maintain his anonymity.)

And then tomorrow night, I am going to be dominated. A dear friend of mine is also a "switch," and offered to teach me anytime I wanted to learn.

Even though being a domme is coming INCREDIBLY naturally for me, I need to learn what responses will create certain dynamics for the subs and what better way to learn than to literally have it done to you.

Reprogramming love through becoming a dominatrix??? Not bad ... not bad at all.

Now go away, you're not interesting me anymore ...

#nerdsunite

#FootFetish: I just got topped from the bottom (an exploration in domination)

SOOOOOO if you guys haven't heard, I have accepted my first foot slave.

Yep, true story. It all started as a joke with a tweet regarding my feet hurting and genuinely grew into this enormous thing.

I obviously have dominant traits as someone who runs a business and is a fucking pitbull in the field - but in my personal life I could not be more zen and more of a hippie. I really do love love love just flitting about seeing where life takes me, and sexually speaking being very submissive.

I've never been a dom in my personal life, but figured instead of being freaked out by all of the emails I got with guys asking to rub my feet, I could actually explore the culture and report back my findings from a very honest perspective.

The result after my first session?

I. FUCKING. LOVED. IT.

I posted on it for both this site, and in my Suicide Girl's column - but hadn't talked to the guy much after. It had less to do with him and more to do with genuine life busy-ness.

THEENNNN a few days ago I got this email ...

I read it while I was out so I forgot to respond at first ... but I just filed it away figuring I'd get to it at some point.

Then, on Thursday I got this message on Facebook from a reader of this site reminding me once again of the slave ...

Him: Hey there, do you respond to messages? I'd be interested in how your foot slave exploration is going? As a man with a foot fetish, I noticed a few things in your initial article that resulted in you losing out a little bit !

Me: What do u mean

Him: Ok, well, from the outset, you're in charge Jen.

"He didn't want me to speak to him or address him at all - I was instructed to ignore him and be mean to him as much as possible."

You should never be INSTRUCTED. You're the domme, he is the sub. You're completely in control and should feel comfortable to do things however you like. You shouldn't be here just to fulfil his fantasies. You should get the maximum pleasure out of this situation. Everything should be about you.

Also, he wants you to be really dominant with him, but he'll never tell you this outright during the act. He'll only do it in advance, as mentioned above. During it, he'll hint at it.

Things like 'I hate that we have to cut this short, he says as he stops, but I have to go now.' - He doesn't want to leave. He's here for you. He wants you to tell him that you don't give a shit whether he has to go or not, he's here for YOUR pleasure right now, and he'll be allowed to leave when YOU say he can. But he won't say that outright, because he wants to hear it come from you.

Interesting.

I then popped on my iPhone and immediately sent him back this message ...

I then popped back on Facebook on my iPad ...

Me: Amazing! I just reprimanded him via email.

Him: You don't have to thank me Jen, like I said, you're in charge, this is all about you. Another thing, I read on one of your tweets that you initially thought he stood you up. Not acceptable, it should be a privilege to be allowed to massage and pamper your feet and he should be available at a click of your fingers. Whenever you want a foot massage, you should be comfortable in demanding one, not whenever he is 'free'. If he can't meet your expectations, then trust me, you'll be able to easily replace his arse, there are plenty of foot guys that would beg for the privilege.

You threaten him with that damn right he'll be right there.

Seconds later I got this email on my iPhone ...

SUCCESS!!! I thought as I got back on my iPad ...

Me: Exact email: If you want to continue with me in any regard - do yourself a favor
and never ever address me that way in any capacity. You are here to
please me; The details of your incompetence does not interest me. I
will give you a time and you will accept or I move on. Period end of
sentence.

Him: That email is exactly how you should feel comfortable talking to him. However, is that email in response to something in particular, as I've only read your article on your initial meeting? Has he stood you up again?!

Me: He said he wasn't sure if he could continue seeing me based on his schedule. I didn't respond because I was genuinely busy. But now I finally did w that

Him: You have a lot of power Jen. He wasn't sure? Yeah, I've tried that one in the past too. The reason I said it was because I wanted her to tell me that it didn't matter whether I wasn't sure or not, I should be available to her whenever she wanted. You probably have guys lining up now.

I don't know how familiar you are with the whole thing, but do you know that some girls make a lot of money out of this?

Me: I'm not interested in money. It is helping me find my voice.

Him: Yep, I understand that, and I wasn't suggesting that you should be looking for money from it. I just meant that, there are girls making money from it, because the guys are willing to pay it to be treated in a particular way. I actually have a lot of respect for you for how open minded about the whole thing you were, and trust me, a lot of people feel the same way after seeing your article.

Me: Yay life!

Him: You may not be familiar with the phrase 'topping from the bottom' - if not, you may find this an interesting read in your journey - http://voices.yahoo.com/dominance-submission-explaining-topping-the-654712.html

Me: That's exactly what he is doing. Thank u

With that epiphany I quickly realized what I had to do. I popped back on my iPhone and sent this email ...

I then decided for me to fully adapt to the "character" I had to dissociate to step outside of my own boundaries and FULLY step outside of my own comfort zone. Again, I am all for jelly beans and free love - the notion of me being a bitch like this in my personal life is COMPLETELY foreign.

So, I shall from this point on be referred to as Mistress Jennifer in this space.

His next assignment is going to be getting me a pair of shoes I can wear when I walk all over him, and a riding crop built to properly punish him when he's been a bad boy.

It's fascinating though how much you just have to LET GO in this space. There is no right, or wrong - I can't stop half way through and ask for directions ... like I did with starting this business I just have to listen to my gut, drown out all of the previous domestication and unleash my animal.

PUUUURRRRRR ... Mistress Jennifer is on the prowl and YOUR SHIT IS ABOUT TO GET OWNED!! BOOM!!

<tangent> When in full dom mode, do not speak to people outside of the fetish world. After sending those emails I was still sending work emails and let's just say ... I was more "curt" than usual. HAHAHA AMAZING!!! </tangent>

Here's to uncovering more of my personal truth nerderinos! THIS IS SO FREAKING EXCITING!!

#yaylife

Oh and PS. Here's my OKC sex slave vid I made earlier this year. I get so many emails on OKC about it ... thanks for reaching out!!