#NerdsUnited: I got married during a global pandemic at the @TreasuryOnThePlaza

In this story, there will be a marriage, two (more) deaths, MIA wedding attendants, MIA parents, a botched bachelorette party, a global pandemic and a boisterous battle cry for tits and ass. 

 

It’s an honest tale of the reality of weddings - and the SHEER PERSEVERANCE of life in 2020. 

Maestro … 

(Like most people) 2020 has been the most challenging yet rewarding year of my life. Starting on January 2nd (my then boyfriend now husband’s birthday), I had to put down (the up until that point, ABSOLUTE love of my life), Buster Brown. Three weeks to the day later, my (still at this point) boyfriend lost his sister, best friend, business partner, and soulmate. Hours after her celebration of life, I woke up to what was discovered as the sounds of gunshots. My good friend was shot five times while he slept. I was there when it happened and as a couple we went from two foundational losses into living through & in a murder investigation.



You can read all about it here, but what I couldn’t say at the time was how much I saw. I used this blog as  protection/ a declaration on how could anyone who just experienced “that” much, actually know “anything” about a murder? 

 

The answer surprised me as I knew quite a lot. (As did the other 50 people in the building who are also hawks.) I sat for hours going through security footage. I saw myself holding my boyfriend walking back into our building dressed as an angel … 

 

I wore this to the celebration of life.

only to see hours later my friend walk in with his killers through the front door ...

 

and them walk out through the back door… 

 

... while he was wheeled out shortly after. 

I wish I could say I was surprised but much like his last texts (shown in the post) - his choices were his own. 

Needing proof in a surreal state of mind, I saw the physical location of where my friend was shot, and even his new current digs which are shockingly higher than market rate. 

 

I say that in jest but the reality was, that my system was shutting down and I didn’t know it but I was becoming catatonic. The “Jen” that I’ve so proudly and authentically known my entire life, couldn’t think, see, or breathe clearly. Whatever or whoever this new person was/ is was singularly focused not on finding the people who murdered him (they caught them super quickly) but in finding a solution to this new reality on how to move forward. As a building, we didn’t even get an email or memo regarding what happened. We got a knock on the door from the police and a new navigation path through yellow tape reading POLICE LINE DO NOT CROSS. 

 

 Through an unimaginable amount of strength and sheer will I successfully organized a meeting for the murder … for obvious reasons I called the memo “murder meeting” …. and opened up the communication channels for the residents in the form of an email chain. You can't google "what to do when your neighbor is murdered" and find accurate information. I know this because I tried and what you will find is a brilliant content marketing strategy for attorneys wanting to procure business for landlord negligence. No one wanted to sue, we just wanted to feel safe and now no longer trusted management. Through research and pounding on doors and the pavement, I took an intangible problem and found a tangible solution. I'm still really proud of that.

Feeling like my job was done in a body I barely recognized or identified, I cried to my still at this point boyfriend. 

WHAT THE FUCK ELSE IS GOING TO HAPPEN THIS YEAR, I shouted into his arms. 

I love that this is the part where everyone reading knows EXACTLY what is going to happen next. 

ENTER STAGE LEFT WITH JAZZ HANDS … 

If there were ever a time to have the worst five weeks of your life, it was really quite brilliant to pair it with a global pandemic. The heaviness of the murder became old news. Who knew a murder could suddenly become anti-climactic … 

 

and anything criminal happening near or around the building meant we had the DIRECT CONTACT INFORMATION for the lead safety officer. (Who also has personally placed calls to the attorney general for multiple violations of our protection.)

He's the person who held the meeting for murder. I know this because we’re homies now … 

 

I can’t remember much from the beginning of the pandemic.

I only remember the literal beginning when my friend called me from the governor’s office and said “we are going into a two week quarantine. You need to go to the store right now and stock up on what you can.” 

Shocked, but without thought or a follow up question, I said “I love you, and okay” as I hung up. I had never told this friend I loved him before, but it was TRUE! 

 

Seconds later, I got a second message from a friend of a friend who didn’t say we were going into a quarantine but rather cryptically on the app Signal, he messaged asking if  I “needed anything?” Simple - but out of character. I immediately knew he got a call too, and that this was actually happening. 

 

Holy shit, I said to my still boyfriend and little sister (soon to be maid of honor who happened to be over because we love each other and live in the same building) - we really are going into some type of quarantine. I couldn’t process fully what that meant, but I said, “we need to go to the store right now and be as calm as possible. I don’t know how many other people are getting calls like this.”

… I GOT TWO!! TWO … 

 

I didn’t know what going grocery shopping before a quarantine would be like but in my head I saw the potential for a Mufasa masssacre style stampede. 

<tangent> I have been told for most of my life by my friends that “I was on their zombie apocalypse list. And if the shit were to ever hit the fan, that I was someone they would want to be alive in whatever the new reality was. The realization of how COOL that moment was that it actually came true. I later discovered that the second friend was in the offices of the CDC.  </tangent> 

My still boyfriend drove (I’m laying the still boyfriend aspect on REAL thick), as I texted as many people as I could cutting and pasting the information I had received.

This is what I sent: 

 

And then as I texted people, one of my friends wrote this back confirming the information received: 

My sister piped up from the back seat saying, “you also just received this news. Why don’t you take a breath and stop texting people for a minute.” 

Oh, I thought, that sounds right, as I literally took a breath and laughed at the reality of our situation. 

Guys, can we all just take a minute to take a picture? Look at how we walked out the door in a moment’s notice … 

 

Look at how terrifyingly psychic my sis is. She BOUGHT ME A MASK that is a hawk and it lights up when you talk OVER A MONTH BEFORE THE QUARANTINE! People weren't even TALKING about having to wear masks yet - she just said "I was in Brooklyn and saw this and thought of you!"

She. bought. me. a. mask. before. we. were. legally. required. to. wear. them. 

We then casually .... yet super creepily ... wandered through the store with the deliberate intent and awareness that we were going into a quarantine. With three full carts of paper related products (toilet paper was gone at this point), food and drinks … we casually/ super creepily walked up to the cashier to checkout. 

This is what we looked like …. 

 

Totally casual … just happen to be hosting a party for about 50 people ... 

 

This is the exact sake cart that gets mentioned in the Maid of Honor's showstopping speech mentioned later. 

I remember the look the cashier gave us, it was a mix between WTF are they wearing and WTF are they buying? We’re never normal but in this moment, we were very much not normal. 

 

It was in this exact life moment that I learned so much about myself. In a circumstance that has historically been unprecedented, I was exactly the person I thought I would be. I’ve always been someone who will speak up when information is important (or even difficult to hear myself). I’ve always been the person who will help out as much as I can to those I care about. And I’ve always been the person that despite whatever circumstances arrived, I can keep a singular and laser focus on whatever the “prize” is. 

In this life moment, my still boyfriend, sister, and I calculated visually an approximation of how much toilet paper adjascent product we would need. 

“I think I can survive on a three squares each use,” he said. 

Great, I said (impressed but also), because two neighbors just texted saying they don’t have enough so I’m going to drop two packages off. Because of the murder, I had everyone’s number. Technically speaking I had it before via the game nights I hosted in the lobby - but in this moment, I knew all of the numbers I had were recent, and this was a time when they were needed the most. 

 

Besides, guys, we have a shower. That’s like a life size bidet … being out of toilet paper really isn’t the end of the world. 

 

Questioning myself if the end of the world could actually be upon us, I smiled knowing that if the predictions were true, at least I was spending it with two people I love more than anything (and coincidentally happen to be the funnest people ever)!!! 

 

Here we go, we all said in cheers, unsure of what was going to happen next. 

 

What happened next was (as you all know) a quarantine. Which was a phrase up until this point that I knew of, but had never thought I’d actually experience. Phrases like “hunker down” became a thing, but so did the one phrase I’ve been waiting to hear my entire life … 

 

Two weeks into the pandemic, on Buster’s birthday (April Fool’s Day) my then still boyfriend became my fiancè. 

You can read hear how it happened. 

We then placed FaceTime call after FaceTime call giving those we love our good news … which came in REAL handy since much like toilet paper - good news had also run dry. 

I’ve never seen expressions of joy like I have with an engagement announcement during a pandemic. Technically, I wouldn’t know what it was like outside of a pandemic as this was a life first, but you get what I mean.

A month later, still in the pandemic, we made the painstakingly difficult decision to go through with a wedding. Our parents mean the world to us, so even if we had to have a wedding consisting of six people - that would be our life experience and we would embrace it. The idea of not having our parents present to witness our vows was unacceptable. A pandemic may or may not have a perceived timeline, but father time waits for no one. 

Through research, I then discovered there’s something called an “all inclusive wedding package.” 

 

An all inclusive wedding means that your DJ, caterer, florist, cake person, and wedding planner are all people that work together. I’ve heard time and time again from friends that it’s hard to enjoy your own wedding. If we do this, I said to my fiancé, we are enjoying the SHIT out of our wedding. Every moment. Every minute. We are going to savor it. And while time may feel a little weird right now, we are going to make this all about us. 

I then googled “historical all inclusive weddings” and saw this … 

 

This is the Treasury On The Plaza aka the most BREATHTAKING wedding venue I have ever seen. (Seriously, pictures don’t even do it justice - which says a lot!)

Logically, because most of the people attending the wedding were in Florida, it made the most sense to host it there. Saint Augustine (location of said potential venue) made the most sense because it had the least amount of covid cases in Florida. And Treasury on the Plaza made the most sense because LOOK AT THIS PLACE!!! 

 

Now, as the bride and groom, did we legally or logistically know how we were physically going to get to Florida being on the other side of the country? 

 

Did we know we would figure it out? 

Well, we got this far, so I’d bet a TP square or two that we could.  

 

I then sent the link of the venue to my mother, as I went grocery shopping in a mask and glove that conveniently fit over my engagement ring. Unsure of what a wedding costs, and unsure of what our budget would be given we have both been directly impacted financially, I placed an also unsure call en route back to the potential venue.

 

The friendliest voice answered, and said “Congratulations!! You’re engaged!!!” 

Thank you, I said, while I admitted my truth - “I don’t feel engaged.” 

“Well, let’s see if we can change that! My name is Jessica and I’m here to help. What date are you looking for?” 

“Can we get married this year? I said with uncertainty on availability and uncertainty on pandemic restrictions (as each state had rules that were changing in what felt like minute by minute). 

“Pick a date!” 

 

Having no frame of reference on how long it takes to plan a wedding, I asked if November was too soon? 

She then looked down at her calendar and said how about October 29th? 

 

She didn’t know this, but I started to tear up when she said it. I lost a very dear and good friend on October 29th and knew that while she was already gone, she was ABSOLUTELY the biggest champion of love and I could not only alchemize that experience, but honor her in the process. PLUS! This would also mean that our wedding would be paired with Halloween each year and since Halloween is my Christmas, it made the most sense. 

 

Traditionally, the bride’s parents pay for the wedding and while most of my life may not be traditional, I hoped they could help out. Very fortunately, my parents could afford it, and due to this special covid package they were offering, they had a budget that allowed for our first venue choice to happen. 

I can’t begin to tell you the relief in that moment. Out of ALL of the things that had happened this year, I now had not one but two things that were certain … I am going to spend the rest of my life with the man I had already spent every second of the day in quarantine FOR OVER A MONTH, and now visually, I knew where we would create that declaration of our love.

LITERALLY everything else made zero sense, and while there was also a strong reality that we might not be allowed to have guests, we knew that we could have at least six people in the room and that was all that mattered. 

 

For the first time in 2020 my vision was clear but unfortunately, it didn’t stay that way for long. 

After the murder, I was very proactive in seeking therapy. I signed up for group grief therapy, we went to couples therapy, and I even took individual sessions with our couples therapist. I attacked my mental health self care like I do business - it was my number one priority. Fortunately or unfortunately though, that placed the label of BRIDE into the backseat. It was hard to “feel” engaged during a global pandemic when one, you’re not allowed to be around people, so I genuinely forgot to tell people … and two, when we did pick the date, I feared the judgement of others. Who plans a wedding during a pandemic? Who WANTS to plan a wedding during a pandemic? The answer is no one, and while the reasons why we did it are personal, it was with a lot of GREAT thought and painstakingly difficult risk/ reward analysis. 

Surprised at the care of what others thought, once I had that realization, I quickly reframed our wedding experience. I said to my fiancé, no matter how big or small the wedding is and no matter who can or cannot make it, we have to understand that people are putting their health first and it’s not personal to either one of us. Our parents will be there, and anyone else that can attend is just an added bonus. He completely agreed and added “it’s all out of our control. We can only do our best, and be as safe as possible. The rest will be what it will be.” 

“What will be” became a list of “instead of-s” … 

Instead of throwing an engagement party, we drove around Los Angeles shouting from the car “WE JUST GOT ENGAGED!!”  

Instead of seeing the venue before you begin planning the wedding, we Facetimed the wedding planner (with my parents present) to confirm this is what we wanted. 

Instead of getting to “propose” to your bridal party, I placed individual calls and sent gifs asking “would you be my bridesmaid?” 

Instead of getting to sip champagne with your bridal party as you tried on dresses I tried on one dress (with my now Maid Of Honor) after approximately 167 hours of research and purchased said dress during the riots in Los Angeles in a bridal store that had just been looted ... 

 

Fortunately they left this one behind … 

 

And instead of drinking champagne in the store when we bought it, we drank it in the parking lot afterwards … next to the saddest McDonalds Apple pie … 

 

<tangent> Actually, this part is really funny. So everything with your wedding dress will become a “thing.” When you try it on, when you decide it’s yours, when you pick it up … I knew the picking it out was a thing, but I didn’t realize the picking it up was one too. I got the call that the dress was in so I logically drove over to pick it up. Social distancing myself from the attendants, they placed the dress on this plastic wall (where I could retrieve it). Having already paid for it, I grabbed it, and as I did the woman questioned my choice and said, “DON’T YOU WANT TO SEE THE DRESS AND TRY IT ON BEFORE YOU GRAB IT?” 

 

I thought to myself, this is the dress I bought and paid for, right? Because if it isn’t then yes, I would like to see it. Or, if it is a monkey and not a dress at all then yes, I would like to see that as well. Her face looked really confused, as I said “please, I would love to see the dress but due to covid I would prefer to try it on at home.” (I don’t know why I felt the need to please the attendant at this point but considering I wasn’t feeling very “bridal” I might as well go along with the bridal attendant.) 

 

She then unzipped the garment bag as I saw my dress. 

Damn, not a monkey, I thought, but wow! It really is as pretty as I remember. </tangent> 

Instead of having a bridal shower, we had a half zoom half old lady dance party courtesy of the Maid of Honor, my mother and my fiancés sister. 

 

Why an old lady party? Technically speaking it was a Golden Girls party and here’s why … 

Last Christmas my family and my still boyfriend’s family all got together to meet. At the after party (hosted at my still boyfriend’s sister’s house) his nearly 80 year old Aunt cornered me and said “when is he going to propose?” 

“You should ask him that question,” I said very matter of fact but also respectful that I really didn’t want to know. 

This next part caught me off guard … 

“I ask because I want to see the strippers. The good kind of strippers. You know the ones I mean.” 

I’m not a fan of male strip clubs at all, but I did know what she meant, “you mean the Magic Mike kind?” 

“YES!!” she said with a face brighter than the Christmas tree behind her. 

 

Immediately I had this visual of all these little old ladies at a strip club, so I texted my sister (soon to be Maid Of Honor) “when I do get engaged and we throw a bachelorette party, I want to theme it like Golden Girls. I just want to see these old ladies around male strippers making it weird.” 

 

She remembered that text and FLAWLESSLY executed the surprise bridal shower of my dreams. I’m a very difficult person to surprise and not only did she surprise me but when my best friend asked “what’s with the old lady theme?” I shared with her the story, and then she said, “but you need checks too. Instead of dollar bills, you need to write the strippers checks.” OMG, I thought, having the vision of writing a check to Matthew Beefcake in the amount of .53 cents. 

 

I couldn’t have gotten through the engagement without the Maid of Honor. I see why they call them that now and why brides have them. She’s so empathic and aware, she could tell when I was feeling sorry for myself at the lack of expectations being met on “what being engaged” is supposed to look and feel like and in those moments she would either help me reframe my perspective, or she would “door fairy” little bridal gifts that reminded me of the label I wanted as the person that started this website and the person I am today writing on it. 

 

I’m lucky that my friends and I choose to find the humor in life, but having felt like we’ve all been through SO much this year - couldn’t something finally be genuinely funny and not a conscious choice to find the humor?  

With the lack of expectations on my side not being met, as a couple we decided to change our own narrative and change the order in which things would happen. Due to how small the ceremony needed to be for safety, we decided to host not only a Florida ceremony but also an LA one. The engagement would be a “re-do” before the LA ceremony (whenever that can be) and instead of doing a bachelor or bachelorette party before the wedding, we’re going to do it the day after (since everyone will be there any way and even hosting a small party that’s non-essential felt selfish). 

Last month, we flew out to finally see the venue and do six months of wedding planning in just two days. We wore hazmat suits on the plane to concurrently execute Breaking Bad cos-play, and not only did we get mistaken for the CDC but we also conducted a social experiment at baggage claim on how people responded to someone in an official looking uniform. I held my hands up to pretend to direct traffic, and people actually listened. Three did not, but four did (and then we laughed our asses off). 

This is what I looked like walking through the airport ... 

We got this, we consistently said to each other throughout this process. We may not have the expectations we wanted, or the people we want there to see it, but what we do have is each other and whatever life is going to HAND to us we know we can HAND-all-of-it. 

Little did we know how powerful that sentence was going to be.

Three days before the wedding, my fiancé suffered another foundational loss. This time a brother (and also soulmate and business partner). It was very sudden, he dropped dead, and his passing set into a series of cause and effect that threatened whether or not the wedding would even happen. 

 

THREE DAYS before the wedding … the day of I was so unsure if it was going to happen I hadn’t even texted instructions to the “minister” on where he should be … 

(Obviously I didn’t want to say anything to anyone until I knew definitively what was going on- but clearly this shows my state of mind.) 

NOR TOLD HIM WHAT TO WEAR ... 

 

I said to my fiancé when we got the news, “we are going to handle everything minute to minute and if at any given moment we need to leave, go back to LA, or even just go back to the hotel, it’s what will be done, and we will figure the rest out.” My brain couldn’t process the logistics of cancelling something SO last minute, but out of the love and respect for my partner and YET ANOTHER foundational loss just months apart - I didn’t know what else to say or do. 

 

(I call it a foundational loss because it’s a loss that literally shakes your foundation. It could be a parent, brother, sister, best friend - whatever that means to you but someone who is so foundationally involved in your life that when they leave - a part of you leaves with them.) 

I always knew “I would do anything for love,” but in that moment, I was proud that that umbrella also might have included “a bride cancelling her own wedding due to a very traumatized and grieving groom.” Obviously, it wouldn’t have been his “fault” but it was yet another blow to our expectations of what our wedding week would look like. 

My body didn’t know what to do with the news. Instinctively, I texted the Maid of Honor and my father. 

We had gotten the call in the Uber on the way to the hotel, and while he was in shock, I immediately went into grief physically sobbing on the floor of the bathroom in our bed and breakfast. I can’t describe the grief that I felt for him. Both his chosen brother and sister died MONTHS apart (both were very young) and BOTH were supposed to be at the wedding. (Technically speaking not the brother for the Florida ceremony but we were slated to have dinner with him after and he would attend the LA ceremony. He even sent us a package for the wedding that we also had to pick up.) 

 

As I cried, I updated them on the progress: 

My brain couldn’t imagine why the timing was the way it was. WHY NOW?! I thought and cried. 

Wow, my fiancé said, look at what Jared (our very good friend) said. He then showed me the text and it read “maybe this is happening because now more than ever the two of you need all the support you can get. The people you love most in the world will be celebrating you and there for you all this week. You can also look at this as good timing.” 

That comment snap crackled and popped me into a new perspective. I didn’t know if I wanted to fully believe it, but it did help. 

Alright, I have to take a mental break. In the next post, I’ll talk about how we actually managed to pull through, and how I now have a full grasp of what Dickens meant by saying “it was the best of times it was the worst of times.” I still don’t even know how to process what was the last two weeks. I’m glad I’m at least trying! 

#staytuned

 

#NerdsUnited: I got engaged during the apocalypse!

This life experience is SO "on brand" ... it's ... it's ... 

For the last twenty months, I have been happily and lovingly in a relationship that I didn't talk about on this blog nor in social media. We have plenty of pictures posted together, and when I'd meet up with friends of the site, I'd tell them if they asked who I was dating ... I had nothing to hide. (He's the one referenced as my best friend in posts, because he actually is!)

I spent 10 years documenting life & specifically dating - I'm very proud of that fact.

I'm also a social scientist who tests different theories and questions I have about said life.

This was something that after 7,500 blog posts - I hadn't done before ... and who woulda thunk that it actually worked! 

We got engaged on April 1st ... which is not only April Fool's day ... but this year it's April Fool's day DURING THE APOCALYPSE ....

... AND ... also our recently passed dog's birthday.

You're still the best boy ever Buster Brown!!! <3

We lost Buster Brown very suddenly earlier this year (the loss is still devastating). He was put down on my fiancee's birthday, so since Buster bogarted his birthday, he decided to repay the favor by bogarting his!!

... but with love and not death!! 

Speaking of doing something I haven't tried before, this post is going to be written not just from my perspective, but from my fiancee's as well.

Have you noticed I can't stop using that word ... 

Wait, where are my manners ...

Nerds, meet (lets call him) Jefe. 

Jefe, (you can't see them all) but you can thank all of these amazing nerds for their support in my journey to find you. 

Isn't he handsome? Handsome AND weird.

... that is a photo I took of him casually hanging out on a rooftop drinking a martini last week. 

.... this is a photo he took of me (upon the realization that I accidentally matched the art deco decor).

... neither instances were costume parties ... we just take life and having fun aggressively serious. 

See this face? That is some seriously aggressive fun we are having. 

These are three of my favorite photos from that day (they actually hang in our apartment). 

I was walking out of the restroom @ the Frolic room & snapped Jefe's album cover ... 

I styled the outfits and Buster & Jefe shared the lion's mane at the punk version of the yellow brick road for our family photo ... 

Buster HATED me for these photos, but now thankfully, we can cherish them (as he's no longer here).

Shut up already, onto the post.

Rules: Before writing this, I outlined a series of neutral questions about the engagement that we independently and then collectively answered. I wanted an honest piece on what this life experience was like from both perspectives. 

Maestro ...

Q:  Did you always know you wanted to get married? 

Jefe: Up until 40- then I determined I just wanted a partner and if marriage was a deal breaker for her then yes I’d happily agree. 

Jen: "Yes, but marriage wasn't a placeholder. I was happy when I was single. I was happy in my relationship. I am happy now that I’m engaged. I’m not someone who saw marriage as an achievement to unlock. I knew in 2018 (and spoke often of it in writing) I was at a place where I was ready to meet “the one." (Which btw took eight years of self work - that two years later still hasn't ended.)

What I didn’t know was that on said first date WITH THE ONE ... I didn't recognize him.

My report card back from our first date was "great guy not my guy" ... but I'll be his wing woman at parties!

Yeah, that also didn't happen ... BUT I DID MEAN IT!"  

I'm a very intentional person and I REALLY DID MEET MY FUTURE HUSBAND FOUR MONTHS AFTER THIS WAS TAKEN!

Q: How did you know that this was the person you were ready to spend the rest of your life with? 

Jefe: Simply it’s the ease. The ease at how we communicate, how we make love, how we laugh, how we adventure, how we surprise each other. In a word ‘ease’.

Jen: I'd agree with ease. It's without a doubt the easiest relationship I've ever been in but I think that's just because we are a blend of opposites attract meet similar morals and integrity. (We say "please and thank you" to each other at least 20 times a day. You'd be surprised how something so small actually isn't.)

Jefe is an ENFP male and I'm an INTJ female. He didn't take the test until a month or so ago, but we are THE DEFINITION OF SOUL MATES - it's pretty awesome actually.

Here's our compatibility chart ... 

Having this as the baseline was a plus, but in terms of the rest of our lives - it was one specific adventure.

In January 2019, we had gone to Joshua Tree with our friends and I saw how seriously he took not only the people he loves (and what those relationships mean to him), but also the characters he creates. He is HANDS DOWN one of the best impersonators I have ever seen/heard. He can develop a character on the spot that's brilliant ... it's ... complex ... dynamic - AND HE COMMITS TO IT FOR THE ENTIRE DAY/EVENING. 

The cab driver was so impressed with our outfits he asked for a picture. He said we were the "weirdest people in Yucca Valley" which is quite the accomplishment!His commitment to costumes, creativity and love was a serious panty dropper in whatever outfit this is that I'm wearing. 

Q: What was it like waking up on April 1st? 

Jefe: I was relatively calm, which gave me pause, but since I had to focus on logistics it helped keep my mind off what was about to happen.

Jen: I knew I was going to marry Jefe in January of 2019. Every day after that trip until April 1st of this year was held in some sort of surprise of "is he going to do it today?" Mind you, not like a psycho, but I knew what I knew, and if he had asked me to go to the courthouse the Monday after our trip - I would have said yes.

He realized how serious I was about four months later .... when I still wouldn't shut up about it .... and instead of brushing it aside, he offered for us to get dressed up and go to an opulent setting where we would discuss our past, present, and future goals. 

We then went to the Biltmore in downtown LA and laid our cards on the collective-soon-to-hopefully-be-married table.

We discussed our finances, children, and family dynamic from both a wish and "current state" perspective.

(It helps to have serious discussions in a neutral setting. Good or bad. When we have an argument we try the best we can to keep it outside of the house. Doesn't always work, but we're intentional about it.)

His suggestion was not only a terribly romantic thing that I suggest doing with your partner, but it also made things very clear in terms of what our future looks like.

As a strategist, I feel safe and secure when I understand where someone is coming from. I don't want to have to think about all the other options, and if he was truly the man of his word that I knew he was, his actions would prove it. 

In terms of marriage, I said, "I would like to be engaged before the end of the year and married next (meaning engaged in 2019 and married in 2020)." 

He agreed, and in that moment, we accidentally unlocked another intimacy achievement.

There was a power not only in saying those words out loud, but knowing that they were heard. I've never said the sentence "I want to get engaged this year and married next." 

I knew we were similar, I just didn't realize HOW similar until that moment - which made me feel even closer to the man I already knew I was going to marry. 

Q: What were the logistics in executing the proposal? Did anything surprise you? 

Jefe: First, making Jen think the whole day was her idea. I planted several seeds in the months leading up. I knew she’d want to celebrate Buster’s bday, I knew she’d think Griffith Park would be epic, I knew she’s been wanting to use the picnic backpack her brother gave her for Christmas. I knew that our favorite wine and cheese stop was still open (with social distancing) - so we were good. 

What surprised me was that I kept thinking I needed to hide the champagne, to the point that I hid a bucket in my trunk days earlier- thinking I’d ice the champagne secretly in the trunk and sneak it to the picnic. After going to the pharmacy I was waiting in line at the sandwich shop and thought ‘crap I didn’t get ice at the pharmacy’ then thought- ‘wait a minute- the champagne can be to toast Buster’ this was my first hint that I wasn’t thinking clearly."

Jen: On Buster's last day, we gave him chocolate, took him to Griffith Park for one last stroll and a solid pee, and then sang (a very off key version of) "We Are Family." Considering we were under a "stay at home order" (except for parks at this point), I knew it was a way we could honor someone who meant so much to both of us on his birthday, while also being safe. I had no other involvement in planning but I respect that he let me plan that part. Previously, I had also asked that before he proposes, he:

1) asks for my father's permission

2) gets down on one knee (you'd be surprised how many people don't because it hasn't been communicated to them that that's what their partner wants) 

3) makes sure I have a manicure.

I wanted to be surprised in the proposal. I didn't want to know, and I didn't want to plan. I just had to trust and surrender which was BRUTALLY hard having the realization that this was the man that I was going to marry and waiting all those months later for it to happen on his terms.

I couldn't "force" him into it, NOR WOULD I WANT TO!!! 

<tangent> There are two honest questions you have to ask yourself as a dater:

1) Do you want to get married? 2) Do you want to have children? If the answer is yes, to one or either than you have your answer independent of anyone else. Some people don't want to get married and don't want kids. Totally understandable. I'm a breeder and I couldn't be with someone who didn't want kids and didn't want to get married.

Loving this man and wanting to marry him also meant respecting his timeline and wishes (and again based on the wishes we outlined in our soon-to-hopefully-be-married-meeting).

Loving myself meant honoring those two desires and not letting go of that fact.

 Let me repeat that for the boys in the back ...

Loving myself meant honoring those two desires and not letting go of that fact.

I would have left him if he didn't propose. I had a timeline in my head but FORTUNATELY IT DIDN'T HAPPEN!!! </tangent> 

Q: How did the proposal happen? 

Jefe: After setting up the picnic, we cheersed sparkling rose to Buster’s picture then I pretended to take photos of Jen, knowing full well I had to get her so stand up so I could get on one knee (per her request), and since she had her mickey ears on and appreciates my photography I knew she wouldn’t suspect a thing when I told her to stand so I could get her silhouette against the sunlight.

I had already placed the ring box in my hand and as soon as she stood up I said, shaking, “Will you Jennifer and Dorothy Friel marry me?”

Even during the proposal he not only proposed to Jennifer (my first name) but he also proposed to Dorothy (my middle name and also) my bitchy neuveau riche alter ego. 

Jen: We arrived at Griffith Park shortly before 5:20 (the time Buster passed) and began setting up the picnic.

I could tell how nervous Jefe was, but I couldn't figure out why.

I even asked on the car ride over, but didn't push since everything in life feels tense right now. 

He then poured two glasses of sparkling rose (my favorite) as we cheersed Buster.

He initiated the toast as we raised our glasses, "to Buster Brown for helping the love of my life learn to love."

We then kissed as I thought that was terribly sweet.

Then without pause, breath, or even a sip of his champagne, he started taking pictures.

Here is what he shot ...

The lighting happened to be pretty epic as it was golden hour. 

He went in this half circle around me pretending to take more pictures but this was the last one he took ... 

You can see on my face I had no idea what he was doing.

I then heard him say, "can you please ... stand ... up ..." in a language that sounded close to English but not the way I've heard anyone say it before.

Without thought, just focusing on how cool the ears looked with the shadow effect, I stood up and saw him down on one knee holding an open box I had never seen before.

Now, normally, this is where the girl puts her hand over her mouth and goes "OMG I AM SO SURPRISED."

We've all seen the face ... 

 ... THE SAME EXACT FACE IN EVERY PROPOSAL SCENE EVER ... 

... my face wasn't that.

My face looked more like this ... 

I was definitely surprised to see the ring we had picked out together (I have very specific taste and wanted to make it part of our journey to find it together), and was totally surprised with how well planned/thought out everything was ... I just couldn't fully HEAR exactly what he had asked me.

He said the words, "Jennifer and Dorothy Friel will you marry me?" so quickly it sounded like a sneeze.

I laughed realizing this was "the big moment ... the one little girls dream of their whole lives" and I was surprisingly caught off guard with how little this was about me.

The proposal is about the person doing the proposing - my only job was to say yes to the person I already want to spend the rest of my life with.

It's the proposed's job beforehand to make sure they communicate the basics of "how" they want it done (I'm REALLY thankful we did that with our intention setting and had continued marriage conversations) but also then let the person be. Give them the space to figure out the "where's and the when;" I only had three rules. 

Obviously, I said yes, and as he got up from one knee, he put the ring on while saying "THANK GOD ITS THE RIGHT ONE." 

Knowing this was the ring I picked out, I was a little confused.

Pushing that aside we then sat back down and made out for an appropriate amount of "WE JUST GOT ENGAGED" TIME! 

I was really happy that he didn't video it, nor did anyone clap or celebrate us at all. We were around a bunch of meat heads working out without their gym during the apocalypse. ABSOLUTELY no one cared - which made it extra special to me how intimate the whole thing was and that Buster was involved (since it was his love that allowed me to have space to love Jefe as much as I do). 

Q: What happened after the proposal? 

Jefe: We took photos and called our families to share in the good news while everyone around us remained L.A. cool pretending not to notice us.

Jen: After we made out, I went into immediate detective/ scientist/ analyst mode. I asked him how he felt waking up this morning? See, he woke up KNOWING he was about to propose. I woke up knowing it was our dog's birthday and we were going to go to a park. Obviously we were both over the moon with how the day ended, but only he knew what was going to happen. 

"Yeah," he said, "but I didn't know if you were going to say yes." 

I laughed saying, "could you imagine if I said no and then we had to awkwardly go back to our apartment living in a quarantine together for the next however long?" 

I pressed, also "what did you mean when you were surprised that the ring fit?" 

"They mixed up the order when I went to pick up the ring. The attendant wasn't the brightest crayon in the box and forgot to write down your size on the receipt. She only had the work order and number for the actual ring - not the size (and now there were two of the exact same ring in different sizes).

Only you knew the size and I had a 50/50 chance of guessing accurately. I'm just glad I guessed right." 

I can't say I'd care that he got the wrong size but it would be horrible timing during a quarantine to try and get a jewelry shop to open because they gave you the wrong size. 

Comical, but most likely wouldn't have happened and definitely wouldn't have made shouting this phrase nearly as fun ... 

"Do you like the box?" he asked. "I got it on Etsy! It was really hard to get it delivered with all the delay timing with packages now." 

Another surprise for the day I thought as I said ... "you know what Etsy is?"

See, "our" symbol for love is the hexagon.

The hexagon is the most powerful geometric shape in the universe. You can read more about it here. 

From my perspective, I couldn't BELIEVE the attention to detail. Who thinks of putting the ring in a meaningful box too?!? Everything was so "authentically us," I couldn't have imagined it happening any other way on any other day. 

We then Facetimed our family and close friends ... they didn't know we were screenshotting them but these reactions are PRICELESS!! 

My little sister Linds seriously needs to do reaction videos.

The best part of the day was seeing people we love be SO happy during a time when so many other things quite frankly aren't. 

Q: Did anyone’s reaction surprise you? 

Jefe: No.

Jen: No. Our families and friends all get along super well and were SO happy for us. 

I mean this is a photo and meme created by AND OF my future mother in law ... 

I've waited my whole life for a mother-in-law like this!!

Q: Does anything feel different now that you are engaged? 

Jefe: No.

Jen: Yes. He honored his commitment not only to me and our relationship but also to himself. There's a lot of verbal dicking in dating and this isn't that.

Two emotionally available people continue to work on themselves and each other while living and loving in a healthy relationship.

Oh yeah and my engagement ring fits snug around the glove we have to wear during the apocalypse. I have to fix it every time I go outside which is a reminder that ...

Q: Is there anything you would change looking back? And or would you have done anything differently? 

Jefe: Not at all, however I do wish Jen’s expectation of me proposing on NYE hadn’t occurred because I still feel her embarrassment and disappointment from that.

Jen: Remember this part of the post "loving myself meant honoring those two desires and not letting go of that fact?" I thought when we set our intentions he was going to propose sometime before the end of the year (meaning 2019). Our families had also just met and spent Christmas together.

Like I said earlier, everyone got along SO well and over and over and over I heard "when is he going to propose?" I didn't have an answer, I knew it wasn't going to be on that trip (as we had talked about it before) - but come NYE we were set to spend it with our very dear and loved friends doing what we call an Art Night (where we get access to Pollution Studios in downtown and basically turn it into a Fantasy Factory). 

It's one of my favorite spaces on the planet and while I was disappointed he waited until THE ABSOLUTE LAST DAY OF THE YEAR - I was happy that he was finally proposing (and what a perfect place to have it)!

Before the evening began, I grabbed our journal (we co-journal together because we're writers and bond over that shit) and wrote him a note to read after the fact.

I'll keep the details private but it was a pre-thank you letter for the rest of our lives.

Mind you during this art night, we both had the realization that Buster's health was fading dramatically.

He had so many health issues over the years, I just assumed this was another one of his battles we'd be fighting together - and unfortunately he physically couldn't fight anymore. 

We spent the night at the studio (being smart and not wanting to drive) - and after some breakfast I realized how angry I was and that I needed time to cool down. 

(He didn't know I was upset because I didn't know how to process that we had set these intentions and from my perspective they weren't upheld.)

We physically grabbed Buster placing him in the car and then set up a fort to relax as a family.

We make an actual fort in the living room and watch TV - it's super sweet actually.

Halfway into the first movie, I started to cry.

Assuming it was about Buster, Jefe placed his arms around me.

With every ounce of my own personal strength, I asked "why didn't you propose? We set our intentions."

"What do you mean why didn't I propose?" he asked.

This is when I physically stood up a bit and said, "you weren't even THINKING about proposing?"  

Mind you as all of this is happening there is a dog that will be dead in less than 24 hours in between us inside our fort.

I continued with even more tear filled eyes, "how are we so far off base that I thought you were going to propose and you weren't even THINKING ABOUT IT?!"

I then thought about whether or not I should show him the note I had written the night before.

I even wrote the line "if you don't I'm going to tear this page out and you won't know I thought this." 

I questioned what the stronger choice would be.

This was a VERY vulnerable and embarrassing moment for me personally.

Considering especially that communication is our strongest suit!! That's our THING!!! It's what we do best!!!!

Shying away from it didn't seem like the right thing to do.

If this is to be "my person" shouldn't they see you for who you are not who you are pretending to be. 

"I didn't know you meant getting engaged by the end of last year. I thought you meant a year from when we set the intentions (meaning April of THIS year)."

I then went into the other room and grabbed the journal. 

I read it to him line by line thanking him for the beginning of the rest of our lives and thanking him for our love and how much I love him. 

"I meant every word," I said with even more tear stained cheeks and the reality that the look he was giving was one I had never seen before. 

He was so hurt.

Not by me but for me.

It was an honest miscommunication but I held onto his word in that intention- setting it as his honor.

In A year and in THIS year are definitely close, but in that moment, I was more proud of the fact that I felt even closer to the man I already loved.

Not because something was his "fault" but because it was one of the most intimate moments of my life and we shared it together.

In that one moment, I loved myself SO much that I was willing to risk LOSING the love of my life if he wouldn't honor what he said he would. 

That person is a very different person than the one that started this blog searching for love.

It took finding the love of my life to realize it was inside me all along. 

Hello love, it's nice to finally meet you. 

... and I've had you tattooed on my wrist for a REALLY long time. 

#nerdsunite-d