#NerdsUnite: Confessions of an over-dreamer (Career v. The One and How Come I Can’t Eat My Cake Too?)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Megan. (Yes, another one!) I met her at the #20SB summit in Chicago, and she's a really really really rad chica. She's here today to tell you about a little problem that she has. Megan is what we would call an over-dreamer. Not an overachiever because an overachiever actually achieves something ... Megan dreams, and that's it. And here is her story ... HIT IT MEGAN!! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Megan Hannay

Most of us “Gen-Y” women were raised and educated by women who, in their time, fought for gender equality in the workplace, in schools and in homes. These women chipped away at the long-standing “glass ceiling,” making it so that our generation had more career options than homemaker, nurse, secretary or teacher. And for their achievements, I am more than thankful. I wouldn’t be where I am today if it weren’t for the bravery and efforts of these women.

However (yes! There’s a however!), I also think that being raised with this career-oriented, you-don’t-need-a-man-to-take-care-of-you (in fact: you-don’t-need-a-man-at-all!) cavalier attitude ultimately contributed to this weird state of dating-things between guys and girls today. And I’m not quite sure what to do about it.

If you’re anything like me – a bit of an overachiever girl in your early – mid twenties, then the thought of marriage just seems like something you’re not supposed to do yet. It’s like shopping at Ann Taylor (not “Loft”).

I’ll get there one day, probably, but today I think I’ll head for skinny jeans and that dress with the ruffles thankyouverymuch. There’s this unspoken (or maybe it’s even kinda spoken?) rule that’s like “Career first, then find the person to spend the rest of your life with.” And it’s not that there aren’t benefits to that way of thinking. Relationships can be so so so distracting.

But.

We.

Still.

Want.

Relationships.

I mean, seriously. Sometimes I WISH I could be that girl that’s like – you know what, I don’t need a guy in my life at all until after I’m making $X per year and after I’ve written that novel and after I’ve spent ten Sex and the City-esque years with some amazing girlfriends.

But I’m not that. I might as well wish I could read minds or fly (which um… I soooo wish). Like millions of my peers, I desperately crave the companionship of an “other.” We’ve left our families, we’ve done the college thing, we’re out on our own and it’s effing lonely – I don’t care how many girlfriends you have. Friends are amazing, but they’re not substitutes for a partner (just like a partner isn’t a substitute for friends, but I think that’s an entire other post altogether).

In fact, I don’t think I have a single female friend who either isn’t in a relationship, or if the perfect guy knocked on her door right now, wouldn’t be in a relationship. Seriously, I can’t even think one girl I know who doesn’t at least have one eye open (even if it’s just a smidgen of a part of an eye), looking for the one. Maybe it’s the same with boys too – but ultimately I feel like that question is better answered by a guy (dude TNTML’s? Opinions?).

Wait so – why does this kinda suck again? Why can’t I have my “one” and eat my career too? (Or maybe it’s the other way around…whatever that saying is…). It kinda sucks because marriage is still this foreign and a bit “far off” concept. So we want serious relationships (because, I truly believe, for many humans it’s just the way we are), but tying the knot seems like the thing old people do, so instead we’ve turned regular old dating relationships into a form of marriage.

Okay. Be patient with me for this part, because there’s a lot of ways this argument can be misconstrued. I not arguing that there’s a problem with living together before you’re married or being committed to each other before you’re married, or even having a kid together before you’re married if that’s what works for your relationship. In fact, some couples choose not to (or are unable to) get married, and still have wonderful happy lives together.

But I do think that a lot of dating scenarios do get too serious on the commitment end before the individuals are really ready to “forsake all others” and all that junk. And I’m speaking from serious experience here. My own, and others. In fact, I still do this. In fact, to be completely honest, I’m doing it right now. Marriage seems like this off-the-table-for-a-while and far away thing, so the whole “dating” scenario covers the spectrum from “we met 2 weeks ago” to “we’ve been living together for 10 years.” And society doesn’t seem to treat these two types of couples all that differently. So now it’s like, as soon as you’re in – as soon as you’re sure you’re pursuing something (that ethereal “something”) with that someone, you’ve also just committed yourself to every “couple” rule in the book.

No flirting, no making out, no checking out, no putting friends first, going to family events, proclaiming love on Facebook for all the world to see, etc. It seems that even couples who aren’t ready for this kind of commitment fall into it too early on – because that’s what relationships are supposed to be like.

But it’s not. Really. It’s what serious relationships are supposed to be like. It’s what marriage is supposed to be like.

Serious relationships come with serious expectations. But by the time couples are a few years in to a relationship, these expectations should be fulfilled because they know they love and care about each other. If we’re asking our partners to fill them too soon, then it’s more about demonstrating what we’re supposed to do, or what society asks, then about demonstrating how we really feel.

And this is where I’m currently stuck as an overdreamer. Should I just go ahead and admit the fact that hey – I’m 24, and getting married to the right person, even if it were in the next couple of years, would be a-okay? And if a guy’s not thinking the same way, just forget him? Should I turn against my instincts and stick to the casual dating game until I’m making $X/year? Not demanding that a guy fulfill the requirements of a “serious” role in my life? Should I join a nunnery???

Do tell me what you guys and gals think. I’m willing to bet that there are folks from every walk of relationship life reading this blog. How do you mesh your ideals with reality when it comes to relationships?

#nerdsunite

Want more from Megan? Check out her blog over yonder!

Click here to follow Megan on twitter

#NerdsUnite: Confessions of an over-dreamer (How NOT to get kicked out of a club in Vegas)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Megan. (Yes, another one!) I met her at the #20SB summit in Chicago, and she's a really really really rad chica. She's here today to tell you about a little problem that she has. Megan is what we would call an over-dreamer. Not an overachiever because an overachiever actually achieves something ... Megan dreams, and that's it. And these are her stories ... HIT IT MEGAN!! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Megan Hannay

Any resemblance of these narratives to true events or people is probably not the product of coincidence.

In my last post, I droned on for a bit on my issues with being an overdreamer. Still working on that one, I promise. But today I thought I’d give back to the community a little. Help out all you fellow overdreamers (I’ve met some now!) in case one of your life goals is NOT to get kicked out of a club in Vegas.

Here goes:

1) Do NOT consume two shots before embarking on an evening of bottle service.

Yes, your aunt and uncle may just so happen be in town too, and you haven’t seen them since Christmas, and wow, isn’t your aunt funny when she gets tipsy and says “let’s do shots!” But come on, girl. If you know there is some sort of bottle service involving club coming your way later in the evening, please limit yourself. Or at least chow down on bread.

2) Do NOT introduce self to random beauty contestant and invite her along.

Yes, it can be ever so fun, especially when in the company of guy friends, to show off the fact that you’re way better at picking up random girls than they are. I mean – think about it. As a girl, if random dude approaches you in Vegas, it’s kind of like “watch out.” If random chick approaches you and says nice girly things like “I love your dress! And your nails!” before introducing you to her slew of guy friends, something about the situation just seems…more okay.

But don’t let your arrogance get to you! Inviting random girls (especially those of the beauty contest variety) into your group, will NOT be awesome in the long run and WILL help you get kicked out of a club in Vegas, later in the night.

3) Do NOT allow beauty contestant to fall into a glass table of drinks while standing in front of you.

Yes, she may have been looking lonely and desperate, and you did just want to give her a nice peptalk and tell her that she doesn’t need the approval of random men to feel beautiful, but goddam, your balance isn’t so great at the moment. This is an especially bad situation if you’re say, 5’10 and she’s a very petite (very very petite) girl in very tall heels.

At some point, you WILL trip and fall a bit forward and she WILL fall a bit backwards, and there goes a table full of glasses and drinks and a magnum bottle of vodka, and your stretched out arms that didn’t manage to grab her in time will look like something else entirely to the onlookers.

4) Do NOT spend ten minutes staring off into space in the middle of the dance floor. WILL make bouncer suspicious.

5) Do NOT assume bouncer is up for a philosophical discussion.

If the bouncer approaches and asks you, “do you know where you are?” this is probably not the time to see what he thinks about quantum physics or the theory of relativity.  He will NOT be amused if you tell him that you’re not sure, and he will NOT assume that you’re thinking about the fact that time and space are relative anyways.

That’s about it. Follow these five simple steps, and I guarantee that your chances of being kicked out of a club in Vegas will decrease by at least 73%.

Have a sweet Halloween, folks.

#nerdsunite

Want more from Megan? Check out her blog over yonder!

Click here to follow Megan on twitter