#NerdsUnite: Just let it go, man

Here's an email I got over the weekend ... 

First off, thanks for reading and thanks for reaching out. I'm going to assume you were watching the talk from Professor for the day at Cal State Fullerton? (Click here to view)

I can't tell you to just "be awesome," or advise you to just say "fuck it" and go off on your own and figure things out. The bottom line is that no man is an island, and you're going to need people around you.

I'm sorry to hear you've been depressed since you were 10, but I'm also going to say it's time to put on your big girl pants and decide to make a change in your life.

The only person that is going to get you out of this rut is you. Period end of sentence. 

The one line in this email that sticks out the most is, "I only feel a little better when people compliment my achievements." 

What you're doing is seeking outside validation because you don't feel worthy enough just being yourself. This is REALLY hard to do, btw, because we are ALWAYS wanting to pacify people to a degree to have them like us, or want to be around us. In psychology they talk about the "masks" that we all wear, and how we change aspects of our personality depending upon who we are around. We all do it, but the problem is we are still alone with our thoughts which can be an extremely damaging internal monologue. Whatever that mask is hiding needs to be dealt with, and until you decide to forgive and let go of some of that anger, shame, whatever visceral/ basic emotion - you are only holding yourself back. Having a tight knit family, boyfriend, great job - whatever, is never going to matter. At the end of the day, you are only a projected label based on that dynamic. You take on the role of the girlfriend, the role of the daughter/ sister, A+ overachiever, but you can do, do, do, do, do, til your heart's content and it's all going to still feel hollow at the end of the day. 

I really wish Ryan Gosling made an appearance in my coloring book.Think of life like a coloring book. No matter what you are given x amount of pages in this book. The lines are there, the basic objects you are asked to color are presented but it is YOUR CHOICE what colors you choose, what tools to color, do you even want to color within the lines or are you someone who enjoys coloring outside of them? Life just is. Period end of sentence. These experiences you have, the experiences we all have - are just that ... experiences. If you let them define you you're going to be in a world of hurt. 

One thing that has been very helpful to me is getting out of my own head. I volunteer two times a week at two different local churches, almost every day I do something with my friends (even if it's just hanging out at one of their houses), I go to the beach every weekend, and I maintain a workout regimine that works for me. That's it. To most people, I'm sure doesn't sound very interesting, but honestly I've never been more fulfilled in my entire life. It doesn't have to make sense to anyone else, because I know for the first time in my life I'm doing all of this solely because I find value in it. I have very few friends, but the times that we talk and with such brutal honesty feels FANTASTIC!!! I wouldn't trade any of it for all the tea in China. 

I've said before it was always about feeling "unapologetically awesome" but it's so much more simple than that. That verbiage is still placing something shiny over something very, very basic. You just need to start doing things only for yourself Ally. Whatever it is you're doing, if it feels good - keep going. You need to turn inward (which I know can be scary) and just tell yourself it's okay, but it's time to move on. You don't reside with those feelings anymore and you're ready to take charge of your own life and your own coloring book. 

Please keep me posted, and rock on. 

#kthxbye

#OpenLetter: Barbie = less dream house, more little shop of horrors

I read an article on Huffington Post this morning that inspired this post. Click here to read. 

A few months back I was shopping for my friend's kids Christmas gifts, and while in the massive toy store it struck me ... do her parents allow her to play with Barbie? I've bought plenty of gifts for kids in years past, but this was the first year that it hit me how much Barbie impacted my own life, and the responsibility I had to respect my friend's wishes on what they chose to expose their children to. 

I'm (clearly) by no means a feminist, but I have to admit that this year a lot of things have hit me as far as a woman's depiction in popular culture. Growing up in Connecticut I had every Disney movie on VHS, and if I was lucky enough, a new barbie on a quasi-regular basis. That whole pretty pretty princess thing was my jam. Contrary to my tomboy tendencies, I so badly wanted to look like Barbie one day, or any of the Disney princesses. They were all so beautiful, and like every other little girl, I would even undress them and compare myself to them. 

Barbie was so thin, with these super long legs, and how can I diplomatically put this ... she's a ... 

One day, I would think, one day I'll look like this.

Images of women in movies and magazines only confirmed the societal version of the ideal woman ... 

\

It's like fitting a square peg in a circle hole. I just don't look like that, I thought staring at my own body in the mirror. 

My parents and various "real" life role models reminded me that "beauty was only skin deep," and encouraged me to get a good education and not rely on the superficial things in life.

All of that was great to hear, but by the time high school hit, I was still super short, slightly awkward looking, and often referred to as "cute/smart one." I didn't just want guys to see me as the cute/smart one, I wanted to be lusted after (whatever lust is defined as in the eyes of a naive 14 year old girl). My best friend at the time wore a lot of makeup and was considered "the hot one," so I casually started borrowing more and more of her clothes (in addition to some wardrobe additions that my parents weren't aware of), and slowly but surely I was shedding all shades of cute and introducing the sun to newly formed parts of my body. 

I learned how to apply make up, took more of an interest in fashion, but by the time I was done with high school I was still 5'3, and light years away from looking like the girls on TV, or Barbie. Again, I knew deep down intellectually that none of it mattered, but if I had the choice at that age to be hot, or be smart - it was a no brainer (no pun intended). 

When I was 17 I moved to NYC and studied at Lee Strasberg. The first day of my writing class, I recognized a familiar face ... 

It was Carmen Kass. At the time she was a Victoria's Secret model, and the main "it" girl for Express (which was my favorite store). Like a loyal puppy dog, I sat down next to her and during break, introduced myself. Over the semester we did become friends, and I remember one day having coffee with her while sitting on the stoop outside of school. She was wearing shorts, and as I reached for my cup, my wrist was right next to her thigh. Holy crap, I thought, her thigh is barely bigger than my arm. Trippy. 

As we became friendlier she would tell me about parties she went to, and adventures she had with men that I had plastered on my walls. She's a really down to Earth girl, so even though she was totally nonchalant about the whole thing, my 17 year old brain could barely believe that this lifestyle really does exist and these beautiful people really do "have it all."

Much like the projections of Barbie, and the Disney princesses she was living a happily ever after one cover at a time, and I wanted that. 

Somewhere in my late teens, early 20s, I finally had my growth spurt and after working out shed any lingering "cuteness." By the time I started actively dating in my 20s, I vividly remember guys telling me on dates that they didn't understand a lot of times what I was saying. (Growing up with a mother as a technical writer, I developed an extensive vocabulary at an early age.) Guy after guy would comment on certain words that I would use and almost immediately I developed a complex about it. I was visually more of the "ideal," but intellectually it was still too much. Mind you, this was also at the time of the celebutard where Jessica Simpson was making millions being a dumb blond, and Paris Hilton asked if Wal-mart sold walls. 

I did what every other girl at that age would do in that situation, and I too played dumb. I eventually did end up with what I was after, a boyfriend, but I wasn't myself. I was playing this part of who I thought I should be, based on what I thought guys wanted, versus being who I was at my core. 

Much like my childhood playmate, who has had over 150 jobs, owns her own dream house, car, and ran for president - I was plastic. 

I am by no means writing this pointing a finger at pop culture or at Barbie, but rather for the first time taking responsibility for myself, and any potential future generations I could impact. I wanted to change myself in order for guys to like me because clearly I was struggling with a very low self esteem; it doesn't take a rocket scientist (a job also held by Barbie) to figure that one out. 

It's not as if pop culture is going to change over night, but my desire to be exposed to it certainly is. Who wants to live in a static world of plastic when there are so many vibrant dimensions to explore? Barbie even had a layout promoting her #Unapologetic campaign in Sports Illustrated. DOES ANYONE ELSE SEE THE IRONY IN THAT?!?! 

Yes, I may live in a Barbie world, but I am not a Barbie girl. I want to be strong, not just thin, and I want my worth to be based on merit not just a quick outfit change and painted toe nails. 

Fuck, how did we end up like this? 

#nerdsunite

#RealDeal: Single? Taken? Confused? Who cares! Here's a different approach to Valentines day

All week, I have heard complaint after complaint from my friends regarding Valentines Day. Some are happy with their relationship but are angry that their spouse/ sig-o doesn't do anything (or very little) for Vday. Others, are single and view this day as an annual reminder of their inadequacies. I won't say where I am on the spectrum, but this year I do have a different appreciation for love and for this holiday. Here are my thoughts ... 

You can't explain or quantify love.

It doesn't happen when you are, or are not looking for it- you're just knocked on your ass, and it's humbling.

To sit and hold anger for a quote unquote commercial holiday only speaks to your own insecurity.

Friday is a day of love. Everyday should be that way IMHO - but that's not the reality of our calendar reminders or the reality of the reminders we place upon ourselves and the places we think we "should" be.

I've ranted about not having a valentine for my entire life, but this year I proudly say I actually love myself and that's all that matters.

I respect my environment - I keep it clean.

I respect my body and work out almost every day.

I respect my heart because I know it's in a loving place, and finally I respect my mind because I know it doesn't need to keep racing.

Love is in the air.

Please don't miss out on it.

<3, 

Jen 

#kthxbye

Fun with #OkCupid: @Brandoncomedy goes undercover ...

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @BrandonComedy

I’ve been undercover lately. As a kid, I always wanted to be a spy, to know secrets and wear tuxedos all the time. But real life spying wasn’t in the cards for me, so instead I made a fake profile to find out what women really experience with online dating, all in the effort to present myself optimally.

 I’d love to tell you what I learned, and eventually I will, but first you need to know my methods (You don’t NEED to, but I’m telling you anyway):

I created two profiles on OKCupid, the website’s entire hook is it asks you questions, and based on those questions, you’re given a compatibility score with any number of daters. Now for our two fake ladies, I gave them different (but very basic) personalities, and sat back and observed how people interacted with them.!

Girl number one: 

And girl number two:

I purposefully made both profiles extremely similar, based them in the same city, and included the same reference to the documentary Catfish. Where the girls differed was in HOW I answered questions for each of them, and the pictures I used.

For girl number one I answered the questions far more sexually open, and her pictures tended to openly display her sexuality. For girl number two, I answered her questions more sexually conservatively. She had after all just gotten out of a bad relationship.

I used the pictures of Facebook friends (with consent). Girl number one takes pole dancing classes, and while in the context of her Facebook and in real life she isn’t a whore, for the purposes of THIS experiment I felt it best to give her those traits, and make her an ex dancer (sorry!!). For girl number two I used face shots and covered up pictures.

The difference in messages should’ve been entirely different, I figured that girl number one was going to get the sexually explicit messages, and girl number two would get the regular guys! But what happened was that BOTH girls received relatively the same percentages of message types, and in some cases from the same guys.

The only major differences I observed were that in the messages to girl number one, pictures and specific quotes would be referenced, other than that it was mostly guys looking for sex. I am mostly appalled by how FEW genuine messages either girl received. The breakdown of genuine messages to salacious messages is roughly 1:5 for girl one and a whopping 1:30 for girl two.

Once I discovered that there was virtually no difference between the types of messages both girls were getting, I decided to cancel one of the profiles, and focus on just girl number one (as she was receiving a TON of messages)

I also noticed that guys seemed to not mind sending the same message to both girls, nor did they seem to mind sending a message, getting no response, sending another, getting no response, and then finally either giving up, or calling “me” a bitch.

This was interesting to me, because I’d never thought to send a girl a message after being rejected once. My method was to always send a message, wait for a response, and if no response came, to not worry about it. The online dating pool is far too deep to assume a connection, when one isn’t present. But I digress!

So what were the results? I’ll tell you next week! But until then, enjoy some random observations.

Stray Observations:

Couples didn’t seem to mind messaging “me” despite a clear disclaimer dissuading such behavior.! Guys from multiple states away (and sometimes countries) would message me.

1. No one really paid attention to the percentages. Guys with an 80% “enemy” rating still approached as if the fundamental design of the site was off.

2. Women approach women far more aggressively on the site than I ever would’ve thought.

3. Guys generally made no effort to apply information found in my profile, to the actual messages sent.! Guys with no compatibility had no problem paying money to message girl number 2.

(This happens when the inbox is full, OKCupid let’s you pay a dollar to allow your message to get through anyway.)

4. Nine guys did this, and none of them even brought up the fact they had paid to message me, even when ! I didn’t message them back.!

**Initially, I had a friend help me manage one of the profiles due to sheer volume, and on occasion he would instigate messages, but once I reduced the profiles to one that stopped happening. Messages instigated BY the profile are so rare, I only include this disclaimer for factual accuracy. 

#nerdsunite

click here to follow Brandon on twitter & don't miss his blog over yonder!

#RealDeal: Living on both ends of the spectrum (Bipolar Hallway)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Brandon. We started talking on the Facebook not too long ago, and lemme tell you, this guy can throw in quite the few kneeslappers in his emails. Yep, see Brandon is a comedian who is here today to tell you the real deal on what it's like being "on the circuit." I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT BRANDON!!! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @BrandonComedy

I’ve been depressed lately. But instead of sitting in my room and sulking, I’ve made a conscious effort to mingle with people, and be social. It’s not working per-se, but it has got me talking about my condition. A friend asked me to describe depression, saying that it seemed like just being sad all the time, and while that might describe general depression, it isn’t true to my experiences.

 

Depression for me is not the feeling of total sadness, but rather the opposite. I never feel sad for the sake of sadness, my whole thing is about hope. Depression to me is being in a dark circular hallway, and seeing light 20 feet away, but no matter how close you get, you can never experience the light. Sometimes you walk the hallway leisurely, sometimes you run, but no matter the pace, you simply can’t catch the light. You become so fixated on the light, you ignore the fact that the hallway is lined with doors, and those doors represent opportunity. You become so singularly focused on catching light, you neglect opportunities, friends, everything, it ALL becomes about catching the light.

 

I have been focusing so hard on getting back to Chicago, that I’ve neglected how truly spectacular my friends in Kansas City are. I’ve become fixated on a theoretical good, that I’ve missed out on so many good things, and great experiences with awesome people.

 

Chicago wasn’t all it was cracked up to be, for a number of reasons, but still I’ve been making it my number one priority. I might be stuck in the hallway forever, but from now on I’m going to open more doors, and let their light shine in.

#nerdsunite

click here to follow Brandon on twitter & don't miss his blog over yonder!