#RealDeal: Living on both ends of the spectrum (Bipolar Hallway)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Brandon. We started talking on the Facebook not too long ago, and lemme tell you, this guy can throw in quite the few kneeslappers in his emails. Yep, see Brandon is a comedian who is here today to tell you the real deal on what it's like being "on the circuit." I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT BRANDON!!! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @BrandonComedy

I’ve been depressed lately. But instead of sitting in my room and sulking, I’ve made a conscious effort to mingle with people, and be social. It’s not working per-se, but it has got me talking about my condition. A friend asked me to describe depression, saying that it seemed like just being sad all the time, and while that might describe general depression, it isn’t true to my experiences.

 

Depression for me is not the feeling of total sadness, but rather the opposite. I never feel sad for the sake of sadness, my whole thing is about hope. Depression to me is being in a dark circular hallway, and seeing light 20 feet away, but no matter how close you get, you can never experience the light. Sometimes you walk the hallway leisurely, sometimes you run, but no matter the pace, you simply can’t catch the light. You become so fixated on the light, you ignore the fact that the hallway is lined with doors, and those doors represent opportunity. You become so singularly focused on catching light, you neglect opportunities, friends, everything, it ALL becomes about catching the light.

 

I have been focusing so hard on getting back to Chicago, that I’ve neglected how truly spectacular my friends in Kansas City are. I’ve become fixated on a theoretical good, that I’ve missed out on so many good things, and great experiences with awesome people.

 

Chicago wasn’t all it was cracked up to be, for a number of reasons, but still I’ve been making it my number one priority. I might be stuck in the hallway forever, but from now on I’m going to open more doors, and let their light shine in.

#nerdsunite

click here to follow Brandon on twitter & don't miss his blog over yonder!

#RealDeal: Living on both ends of the spectrum (The "fun" side of manic depression‏)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Brandon. We started talking on the Facebook not too long ago, and lemme tell you, this guy can throw in quite the few kneeslappers in his emails. Yep, see Brandon is a comedian who is here today to tell you the real deal on what it's like being "on the circuit." I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT BRANDON!!! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @BrandonComedy

When I’m not chronically depressed or sleeping, I sometimes get visited by mania. Wikipedia will tell you that mania is a state of abnormally elevated or irritable mood, arousal, and/or energy levels

That sounds wonderful, and I’m sure it is scientifically accurate, but a more apt description of mania, at least from my experience is “every bad idea sounds like a good idea, and every mediocre idea becomes THE BEST IDEA EVER.” 

Recently I went on a* date with a young lady, as I’m wont to do, and it went amazingly well. THEN we were both snowed in on opposite sides of town, with varying illnesses, but we were texting and still enthusiastic about each other. Mania is the ear-splitting voice that convinced me that the BEST course of action to persuade this girl to be excited about me, us, and our future relationship** was to write her a one page single spaced letter, spray it with my cologne (Obsession for men, a delightfully uncomfortable coincidence), and then MAIL IT TO HER HOUSE. That’s right, after ONE date, I decided that the most logical course of action was to go 19th century and involve the postal service. 

This young lady has decided to (correctly) not return my texts. But as a rational person I can’t blame her! Literally every friend I spoke with about this letter aside from maybe one or two said a variation of “hey, don’t send that to her if you ever want to see her again,” but the booming voice of mania was like “HEY, THEY DON’T GET IT. THIS GIRL WILL APPRECIATE THE GENUINE AND SINCERE EFFORT YOU’VE JUST MADE, SHE WILL RESPOND BY ALLOWING YOU ACCESS TO HER NETHERS, AND INITIATE A LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU!” Spoiler alert, my friends were all correct. What I thought was a nice gesture was probably interpreted as creepy. No one mails anything if they don’t have to, especially to girls who were otherwise interested, just sick and on the other side of town.

But that’s mania. Mania convinced me that after making people laugh at a party 4 years ago, I would be the best stand-up comedian of all time (pending). Mania is interesting, in that it complements my depression so perfectly. When I’m depressed, you can’t convince me that a shittier person exists than myself. When I’m manic, I see it as a genuine joy to be me. I see everyone I meet as lucky for getting to know this wonderful person (me). 

I don’t get to pick my mood each morning. Sometimes I start my day, and by minute 8 I know it’s going to be a shit day, but lately I’ve been able to communicate my reality and my life to people I never thought I’d share my headspace with, and things are getting better. Life is better when you’re honest, and honesty starts with yourself.

Thank you for letting me also be honest with you,
Brandon

P.S. Don’t write girls letters after the first date. It doesn’t make any sense, and you probably won’t talk to that girl again.

*One, this is important.

** I should stress she was already excited or whatever about “us” although at the time, there was no us. Literally having any level of patience, beyond that of a child, would have dramatically changed the situation.

#nerdsunite

click here to follow Brandon on twitter & don't miss his blog over yonder!

#RealDeal: Living on both ends of the spectrum (my name is Brandon, and I am bipolar)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Brandon. We started talking on the Facebook not too long ago, and lemme tell you, this guy can throw in quite the few kneeslappers in his emails. Yep, see Brandon is a comedian who is here today to tell you the real deal on what it's like being "on the circuit." I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT BRANDON!!! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @BrandonComedy

My name is Brandon, and I suffer from bipolar disorder. There are a lot of misconceptions about what bipolar disorder is and how it affects people. In life there are highs and lows, for people like me the highs are much higher, but the lows are much lower. One day I can be planning to make millions of dollars doing stand up comedy, the next I’m sulking in my room because someone on the internet said a mean thing to me. Sometimes, I’m the life of the party and full of energy, life and vigor. Other times, if I can be coaxed out of my room, I’m bummed about a girl next texting me, or sour cream on my nachos, or my grades, or whatever.

Having bipolar disorder doesn’t mean I’m “crazy.” Crazy is thrown around too much in our society, anyone we don’t understand we label as crazy. I’m emotive, I feel things powerfully, perhaps more powerfully than I should. Because of the way my brain is organized, I have strong emotional reactions to small things sometimes, to the average person it might seem ridiculous, but for me it’s normal. Normal for me is all over the map, and I have to accept that, I have to accept that something small to me might affect someone in a huge way, or vice versa.

My problems aren’t bigger than anyone else’s. I live a decent life, there is room for improvement, but I understand I could have it infinitely worse. When you’re depressed, you’re not thinking logically, you can’t recognize the sheer number of things going right in life, instead you focus on the small number of catastrophes taking place. When I’m at my most depressed focusing on anything but my depression seems impossible. Lately, I’ve been extremely depressed. Comedy isn’t going as well as it should, I’m still in my parents house, I’m unemployed, I have no idea how to initiate a relationship that isn’t a friendship, or casual sex, and I just microwaved fast food.

At my most depressed I get suicidal, and lately I’ve been suicidal. I’ve tried to keep busy to keep my mind off of suicide by doing shows, hanging out with friends, starting new hobbies (writing letters), organizing things, looking for flaws in great movies, and just doing whatever I could to stay busy. If I’m busy, I can’t kill myself, I have to finish whatever it is I’m doing (I hate incomplete things). But when I have idle time, I just start thinking of all of the lives I’ve negatively impacted, and all of the lives I’ll continue to negatively impact, and the people who only talk to me because they feel it’s some sort of obligation. Lately I’ve wanted not to die, but to not exist, to take back every interaction I’ve ever had this is impractical, but has been at the forefront of my thoughts lately.

I don’t want to be alive, but I don’t want to hurt people around me by taking the selfish way out. This is the most practical I’ve ever been about my own mortality, and these past few months I’ve been existing, not because  I’m doing well, but simply because I don’t want my absence to cause anyone to do worse.

I’m a control freak, it’s in my nature, and it usually works out for me (usually being the key word). There are things beyond my control, generally those things terrify me, but I deal with them as best as I can. Lately, these past few months there have been a number of things that were both out of my control and somewhat devastating.

I don’t know if this will help anyone, but I hope it does. It sucks to feel alone, unappreciated, hated, or however you feel, but know that someone out there values you as a person, and would be devastated by your loss. I’ve battled suicidal depression since I was 15, and I’ll battle it for the rest of my life. I get through each day because I know my triggers, I know my weaknesses, and I surround myself with people who are honest enough to tell me when there is legitimate cause for concern. I’m here today because I have great friends and family.

I have no qualifications to help anyone do anything. I can’t diagnose anything. Odds are I’ll only be able to talk in clichéd generalities, but I’ll be able to talk, and sometimes that’s all you need.

#nerdsunite

click here to follow Brandon on twitter & don't miss his blog over yonder!