Actual Text Message: #OkCupid
Thursday, August 19, 2010 at 2:00PMThe following is an actual text message I received from a guy I went out on a date with from #OkCupid:
What he said: "Sorry I never heard back from you after your NY trip; hope it went well. If you ever want to hang out again, feel free to gimme a call."
What I heard: Sorry I never heard back from you after your NY trip. You said you would text, or call me when you got back ... and you didn't you stupid cunt. I now have to say that I hope it went well, when really I'm just being polite. If you ever want to hang out again, cause we totally had fun and now you're being a stupid bitch by not returning my call, feel free to gimme a call, cause I'm totally available and only knitting my cat a new sweater for the next lunar cycle.
Passive aggressive moaning and groaning. For reals ... really liked this dude. Then again, I kinda really liked almost everyone I've gone out on a date with on OKC. But comeeee onnnnn mannnn!!! This is sooooo the fastest way to never hear from me again. I am so busy right now, I'm surprised my head hasn't gone all Linda Blair and shit. I didn't respond to his text. I do get where he was trying to go with it in theory ... but I also cut out the bullshit and just get right to the chase. I can already tell so much about this guy in this text alone.
Here's an example of what would have gotten a response:
Hey Jen, hope you had fun in NY - free tonight for a drink?
BAMMMMM!!!! Totally would have responded to that. But the other?? No, thanks! Sorry ... calling a spade a spade ... and you sir, are a spade!
Reader Comments (21)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YersIyzsOpc separated at birth? He's a mamon so be careful with online dating. Check out U of Andy's Guide to Internet Dating. It's way worse for women. Lots of guys online are psycho. It's like that with guys in person and includes gays who are far from immune from racism and rape. I am old, 39, out of shape from repeated illness and sitting on my ass alot and lotsa trips to the ER and I recently ran 7.7 miles. Guys are sometimes really strong. Get a gun please? Or make friends with a badass police officer, male or female. And take jujitsu/judo. Ground grappling is the first thing to learn. Karate kid stuff DOES NOT work in real life. I've taken more than Genbukan and read lots on the subject. I'd like to share a drink with you before I die of alzheimers by forgetting to look both ways before I cross. Or at least know there's other decent people in the land of rape and money.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yImuT0TLVCE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9i-Eht5-JSQ
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wmSQBvXpZZA
hese might help. Mace/pepper spray tends to blow back in your face. I reacted worse to that than peanut butter nearly stopping my lungs lol I sprayed some once and got both me and my brother who later joined the military cuz he seemed to enjoy pain after that or thought combat was safer than being around me. :P This is another guide for you.
Some dating guides that work for women too:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=67qhm25ZL14
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6S5QvyhPKu4
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i7Lae1Mxw9g
I know ur too busy our convo was so short and now I feel bad for bugging u...I knew that was the case, oh and good thing I am a cyber monk and ur not a computer I only love computers...lmfao!!! But this farm boy is coming to the big city and it's gonna be fun and who knows someday when ur old and gray and me and Sam are over the hill and Aiden decides to finally take over the world from u... we all four could go out for coffee and an Italian soda for u...???
I think you're looking wayyyyy too deep into that text message. If you were a nerd or knew anything about nerds, you'd know that most of them don't like confrontation. He was basically opening up and saying "Hey, you might have forgotten to txt me or maybe you don't like me, but I want to hang out with you... so I'll put the ball in your court and if you want to hang out, let me know." He wasn't calling you a bitch or a cunt and it's a huge stretch to even call that passive aggressive moaning and/or groaning.
maybe ... but i also read people every day. theres subtext in everything we say and do. life is cause and effect.
There's subtext, but sometimes... a spade is a spade.
Jen...really!
Look, I'm absolutly certain you called this text message out the way it is but was it nessecary?
The first time I watched your video blog about how this site has effected your life I totally felt for you. I still do. BUT!!!!
Your missing a very important part of that message "You said you would text, or call me when you got back". You made a commitment and broke it. You didn't have to make that commitment but you did. If you ever plan on having a normal relationship you're going to have to follow through. I'm in no way saying your relationship should ever trump your buisness. You do however need to treat your men like your clients. Call when you say you will, reschedule when nessecary, and be 100% honest.
Much love
Stephen
Dude, dates/boyfriends nor husbands are clients. That's pretty much calling her a prostitute, piece of meat, or property, etc. A woman is not even obligated to give me or you the time of day. It's not just about attitude, politeness, social norms, but rights, and life is chaotic, and you never know what someone's been through previously nor should you. It's a given that respect, and courtesy, compassion, honesty, understanding, empathy etc., demand not merely by moral or ethical obligation but by laws of biology, physics, mathematics as far as chance, randomness, statistics, etc., that you give her personal space, control over her own body, let alone life, otherwise that's up there with human trafficking, rape, spousal abuse, subjugation, patriarchy, domination, taking away of the inalienable constitutional right to pursue life, liberty and happiness. Maybe that's not what you meant but it's what it sounded like. Even in the corporate world where your first business class will recommend reading "Swimming With The Sharks" it's emphasized, especially these days that the days of "Rule of thumb" are over and especially the lady, should not be pur through that sort of thing. If anything, this is a lesson, at the very least, for the less knowledgeable who may take those words to heart incorrectly.
Joey,
You just gave me a long explaination that simply said it's ok to be irresponsible. Then you went off on some crazy womens study/sociology rant.
No one 'HAS" to do anything. I was simply answering the "WHY". Why did Jen get this text message? Answer: Because she said she would do someting and didn't follow though. It's as simple as that.
I can tell you like lists but it makes you point convoluted.
Was that a typo? Or did you not mean I said it was ok to be irresponsible? You are right. It's crazy to defend a friend/woman, misunderstand someone online OR in person, human or woman's rights ARE crazy, otherswise us men would never get any, nobody writes long explanations, or has BS comebacks nor explains things concisely and communicates their point effectively the first time. Thanks for correcting me.
Your first mistake is not being sincere/congenial and attacking an honest/real effort/response with not only rudeness but lying and trying to take down the truthful parts of my forest response with the same casual calouseness about women, not directly but in the same manner as those office trinkets, like in the NIN - Only video where by a neat trick of physics energy is transferred through/without harming the middleman and hits the outside/intended target. You see, whether or not I responded "correctly" the issue of Jen's/woman's rights stands and you wiped that up like the hick with Costner's diary in Dances With Wolves. Unintentional I'm sure but a "Freudian" slip.
This has gone so far into left field I don't even know where to begin. I'll try to make this as simple as possible. I think Jen is awesome. I have told her that several times. I tried to point out a simple missunderstanding and you took it waaaaay wrong. I'm not really sure where to go with this because your responses seem to more focused on honing your descriptive writing skills than actually coming to a conclusion. Can you please come to some point. Maybe bring it down to a 3rd grade level. I'm kinda stupid.
HAHAHAHAHAHA this is great, ill have our dating coach from The Art of Charm, chime in on this one. Stay tuned!!!!! #nerdsunite
@Domingo: with you here to a point, but to be honest, PERCEPTION is reality, *NOT* INTENTION. In other words, what people (women in this case) HEAR is what you communicate, NOT what you might possibly be trying to get across.
So, by phrasing things in the way this guy did, he looked like a wussbag, and Jen perceived him as such. Was she wrong? The answer is, wait for it -irrelevant. He blew himself out of the water regardless of his intent.
I think you touched on that towards the end there but I wanted to make it CRYSTAL clear. Most guys have no clue how they're being perceived by anyone, at any time, let alone a girl and via text message, etc where you're missing 93% of the communication (no non-verbals, etc).
@Divideby5: Sorry, I'm going to side with Jen here. Again, as above, perception = reality. Jen doesn't need to treat men as clients, unless they're her clients. Telling someone you'll “text them when you get into town” isn't a commitment, it’s simply being polite/socially calibrated, and that person has NO right to get peeved at you for not doing it (unless they’re supposed to pick you up from the airport or something, or they're your mom. This guy is neither.)
Also, in response to your comments to Joey, Jen did NOT get that text because she said she’d text the guy and didn't. Homeboy sent her that text message because he felt rejected somehow. He felt rejected because he’s insecure and read Jen not texting him and her not thinking about him as much as he’s obviously thinking about her. That communicates the neediness that squashed out her attraction for him.
Jen, if I'm off here, let me know, but hey, this is my j-o-b. :)
-Jordan Harbinger
http://www.theartofcharm.com
p.s. also, you guys all rock, so don't take offense at my words here. I'm a smidge abrasive by nature, and, just like the text message above, we're missing all the non-verbal communication here in this thread. Body Language (60%) and Vocal Tonality (33%). Thus, it's easy to misconstrue each other. Let's keep it civil peeps! ;)
@Jen Didn't you say you liked this dude? Pre text that is.
@Jordan HI! *waves* Glad you could break this down a bit. I totally agree perception = reality but I don't agree with
"Telling someone you'll “text them when you get into town” isn't a commitment, it’s simply being polite/socially calibrated".
I totally get that people do this. I don't do it but I know it's common. I usually just stop calling or texting after the second unreturned call/text. I'm, sometimes to my detriment, very forward. I purposly do not say I'll call or text someone that I'm not going to. If they ask me when I'm going to call/text I'll be strait forward and say I'm just not interested or it wouldn't work out. Maybe I have asperger syndrome or something but it's not my style.
I guess what I am ultimatly getting at is how wrong I think this common practice it. IMO flaking on a date, not returning calls, and avoiding conflict in general is a sign of a weak person and only perpetuates stupidity. This is why I LOOOOVE women over 30. It seems to be much less common. In the words of Tupac, "I want a ride or die bitch". BUUUUTTTT...this is just my opinion and not the norm.
I locked myself outta my ipod touch lol, ok sorta, not exactly. Long story. Anyway, basically even if a good friend or family texted me with that I'd tell them to STFU. I'd say, what's your problem, and even put them in their place if needed. This guy is a douche, a stranger, someone you don't know, aren't close to and not putting them in their place, letting them know you're not a pushover or an easy mark, or a piece of trash, meat etc? Ok, and in the context of dating, a bit of a battlefield and not just when it comes to love but so much more? Ummm I'd probably be in prison if I was a chick. I woulda made his knees bend the other way. haha
Oh and and desperation like that via a text? How would it manifest itself in person? Date rape? Grabbing and slapping you around like Mike Tyson did his opponents in the ring? Hello? It's so obvious now that I've downed some meat and and had my OJ for breakfast. The actual juice not the violent black dude. Yeah, protein, the building block of the brain and body and immune system. Go figure. Anyhow, I'd carry a gun, mace, knife, and maybe something else too. Oh and jujitsu for all the ladies and guys who date and aren't psychotic. Karate ain't gonna work in a car or dance club or restaurant unless you think you're as lucky as Ralph Machio and get as many takes as needed to get the shot just right. Something crazy happens, and it's a dual to the death, most likely you're if you're a gal and not because of inferiority but you're big targets, bigger than men, every time. If someone even has to ask, then you're a target no matter what. Oh and because of douchebag male dominated societies, us real men have to work overtime to protect our women. We don't need just a wifey and a baby factory, we need a partner, equal in mind and spirit and body, who can kick my ass, or anyone's ass when it comes to protecting our family. If I turn into a zombie or psycho for whatever reason, I wanna die and my fam to live. If I have to protect my fam, it'd be nice if my wife can kick ass too and my kids as well. As I said, this type of guy seems like that kind that'd beat his kids to coma. Think about it, patience goes a long way to not being a mental patient or going crazy. :)
Oh yeah and to the smart ass. Boy... I just do I don't need practice. I just am. I'm my inspiration, I'm my leader, I'm my boss, I'm whatever I am, and do as I please. I am the teacher and the student. I can only be in one physical location at a time. Laws of physics. If I needed practice to be human, I wouldn't be writing this, breathing, walking, going to school, getting a PhD someday or Masters or doing whatever. Hell, I can do anything with just a Bachelors or not. Tests and degrees make it so you learn less. Cramming makes you forget, and specializing? I specialize in life. Knowing just one thing makes that PhD just piled high and deep. I keep busy but not too busy. Info overload? No thanks.
Lol, I think JB's been taking crazy pills.
Not unless I got them at your mom's house. How's she doing anyway? ;)
Besides, if you're the epiphany of sanity, I'll take crazy any day and I don't need crutches or excuse or pills to do that. Yeah, just woke up, caffeine is finally kicking in. Was up past 5am trying to fix my damned iPod Touch. Glad I'm a PC Tech/MCSE or I'd just have to wait for the Apple store.