#NerdsUnite: Comfort zone be gone!

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Chelsea. She's a newbie to our loverly state of California and is currently trying to find her own voice and find her own way. Gosh, aren't we all??? She's here today to talk about her journey in life, love, and all things nerd.  I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT CHELSEA!!</editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @chelofthesea

“After a series of guys who left me high and dry and questioning why the hell I wasn’t just a lesbian instead (though, trust me, I know ladies aren’t a cake walk either) all of my friends asked me why I continued to go out with people from OkCupid. At first my answer was just that it was fun and gave me something to do on nights I would otherwise just stay home. But as I thought about it more, and began to write about coming out of my comfort zone, I realized that the reason I keep going out on OkCupid dates is because I keep learning about myself. Every date, every awkward encounter, every rejection, and every lovely goodnight kiss – I learn something new about myself and get nudged a little more farther away from my normal.”

I wrote that paragraph over a month ago. While most of it is still applicable I have actually deleted my OkCupid profile. There are a few reasons for this. One being that I am just overall tired of getting the same, lame messages. And two being that my time as of late has been very much occupied and I don’t have the time or the desire to go out with anyone else.  (I was actually given permission to write about that on the site but for my own sanity will not be doing so as of yet!) Anyway, as I say goodbye to OkCupid for the moment, I wanted to write out what exactly I’d learned about myself from my last year of using the site…

 1.    I’m incredibly awkward but somehow it works.           
I don’t think I was ever awkward as a kid. I was always the one who talked a bunch and made friends with everyone. But for some reason as I’ve gotten older, I’ve gotten more and more strange. I no longer know how to strike up conversations with strangers. I no longer understand that some people don’t want to hear all the randomness that comes into my head. And I don’t seem to understand that others aren’t okay with long periods of total silence. But what I do know, thanks to the world of dating, is that my awkwardness, in some strange way, works. I have been on dates where I could literally feel the awkwardness seeping out of my pours but for some reason the guys eat it up and think I’m charming and not a total freak. Thank you nerdy girls before me! Paving the way for awkwardness to be labeled as quirkiness and allowing my weirdness to not be an immediate deal breaker.

2.    I don’t care about physical attraction, but instead about physical chemistry.
I always say to people that I don’t care about appearance. If you just rolled your eyes, I get it. Nobody ever believes me. And I never really had a good way to explain it. I would just say that I didn’t really care because when a hot dude ends up being boring and dumb, he immediately transforms from Ryan Gosling in Crazy, Stupid Love to Jim Carrey in Dumb and Dumber. But on the flip side of that, when I meet a guy who I’m not physically attracted to but he ends up turning my brain on and making my face hurt from laughter, he becomes so freaking handsome in my eyes. This is where people argue “but if you’re REALLY not into ____, personality can’t change it.” Fill that blank in with short guys, fat guys, black guys, whatever… What I’m here to say is that for me, that’s not true. I’ve realized that this theoretical not-so-attractive dude not only has to have a good personality, but we also have to have sexual chemistry. We have to like the same things and when we kiss there has to be something more. I need to want him in a primal way. I’m scared my dad might one day find this blog…so that’s enough about that. But in summation what I’ve learned is that my eyes are not what turn me on.

3.    I’m not as terrible of a flirt as I think I am.
I have to start this off saying one thing… THANK YOU INTERNET. Basically, I have never been a flirty girl. I've discussed this before on the site -- I was always the friendgirl and never the girlfriend. Though I was in a really long term, serious relationship the beginning of that had almost nothing to do with flirting and almost everything to do with us both being young and looking for affection. So when I dived back into the dating scene out here, I wasn't sure I would know how to flirt. When guys compliment me, I get pretty awkward (shocker) and don't really know how to respond. It's almost nearly impossible for me to give compliments. Seriously, it's sad. The guy I'm currently seeing and I were having a talk and it took everything in me to tell him the things I like about him... The struggle was so apparent on my face. Luckily it didn't scare him away! But the Internet has helped me so much in my flirting. How you ask? Well, I, like many others, am much wittier with written words than spoken words. And having the chance to talk to guys digitally before meeting them in person gives me a chance to flirt and build up the witty banter before being dropped into a date. Also, I think getting the small talk out of the way has done wonders to my flirting. I’m much better with substantial conversation, than the bullshit you have to talk about when you first meet someone.  

4.    I don’t care what a guy does, I just need someone with passion and drive.  
Before really getting into “dating” I thought I had a list of deal breakers. A guy had to have a car, a job, and a place to live… Without those things, there was no way I would even think about dating them. Hey guys, wanna know what happens when you make a list of rules for yourself? You break them. About a million times. In a row. On OkCupid I’ve gone out with LA hotshots, who make lots of money and have TV shows on big fancy TV stations, who take me out to places I could never afford on my own. I’ve also gone out with dudes who live at home, have no car, and can barely afford their own lives, let alone taking me out on fancy dates. Of course, the majority have been somewhere between these two extremes. To be honest, I never thought I’d be super into the fancy LA guys. I don’t live that type of life, and while of course it’s fun, having excessive money and spending it on dumb shit is not something I can relate to. But what I found fascinating was that among all these guys, I didn’t really care how much money they made or if they had the stability I thought I was looking for… All I cared about was whether or not they were passionate about what they were doing. He could be a stand-up comedian, who pours every bit of his heart and soul into the sets he’s doing almost every night of the week or a dog walker, who believes in the importance of his work and loves each dog like his own – I don’t care! I’m passionate about my work and I need you to have something that consumes your whole heart sometimes. Something bigger than yourself that you’re willing to give yourself up to. Something you fight for. Something you can talk to me about and teach me about for hours.

5.    I have bigger balls than most dudes when it comes to rejecting someone.
This is the lamest of the lessons I have learned. From my experience, dudes don’t have balls when it comes to rejecting girls. I believe this partly has to do with guys being taught that women are crazy. Now before all the male readers get pissed off, let me admit – bitches can DEFINITEY be crazy. But hey, guess what? Stop dating those! Most of us are level-headed, rational beings who would prefer the truth to some bullshit excuse or you just disappearing. And guess what? We won’t flip out on you and text you non-stop! Choose better women and you will deal with better rejections. And guess what? Maybe you can even stay friends. Basically what I’m saying is that even in situations where I’ve had to reject a guy who I could tell was really liking me and who I had no real reason not to like except a lack of “chemistry,” I do it and I’m honest and I don’t beat around the bush. What I’ve learned to do to make this easier is make sure my body language on the date matches how I’m feeling. There have been times I’ve given someone a goodnight kiss when I knew I didn’t want to go out again, but I will not do that anymore! In coming out of my comfort zone, I’ve learned it’s okay to know what I do and do not want, and if people get pissed at you for you making it clear – well, that’s on them. All I can worry about is being honest about how I feel. Speaking my truth, right Jen?

So… Thank you men of OkCupid. Thank you for the drinks, the dinners, the stories, the great (and not-so-great) hook ups, the late night conversations, the texts you sent too often, the days at Disney, the games of pool, the karaoke singing, and so much more. Thank you for teaching me so much about myself. You have made my last year more memorable and don’t you worry your pretty little faces, I’ll probably be back. Or on the other hand, don’t worry, if you pop in my Quiver or suggested matches, I’ll click right past you. Maybe even hide you or block you! Whenever the day comes I find myself back in the crazy world that is online dating, know the girl behind the screen won’t be the same as the one who signed up last year because my comfort zone is getting nothing but further away!

#nerdsunite

click here to follow Chelsea on twitter!

Fun with #OkCupid: A dude in the OKC corral (A Fresh Start)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Kenny. We e-met through OKC and although we've never gone out on a date, he was inspired by my documentation of my online search for love, that he wanted to come on board and provide male insight into OKC. So here you go ... and now we're here ... HIT IT KENNY!!</editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @KennethArthurS

A month ago I started a mission to not drink in June and now we are almost to the end of that. It's been over 30 days since I last had an alcoholic drink and I can definitely tell the difference in a few areas:

In the wallet. In the gut. In the social world. And most importantly, in the brain. 

I didn't necessarily ask for a mental change in myself when I started this mission. In fact, I didn't necessarily ask for anything but I expected a few changes. I expected to save money. I expected to come out healthier. I didn't know what to expect as far as changes go when Friday and Saturday nights became dry, but in return I've found some new favorites hobbies. As a group, we have taken to hiking around Los Angeles, something that we had never done in our previous three plus years in the city. Yes, I know, we are such terrible and lazy people, but better late than never. It took 30+ days of staying away from the sauce for me to realize how much I was missing out on by automatically turning to booze when the calender hits a certain day of the week. 

I didn't know what to expect in the dating department, but I pretty much figured that it would be hard for me to meet someone if I didn't go out to bars during the weekends and by self-banishing myself from OkCupid and other online dating methods for a while. I had a few people contact me while I had turned my profile into a giant pile of shit, but honestly felt no motivation to meet anyone. This period of self-discovery would have been a terrible time to discovery another person’s self. Ain't nobody got time for that.

It's just crazy to me how deep that self-discovery went.

At first, I was only thinking about alcohol. About how badly I wanted a drink when my car broke down on the same day that a girl had cancelled our date for "personal issues." How much I was craving a cold beer on a hot day, which was basically every day in June. In fact, I actually woke up several times this month feeling guilty because I had a dream where I was drinking again. That's some real "ARE you an alcoholic??" shit right there. But all of that was to be expected and no, I am not an alcoholic.

What's been really messed up is all of the weird thoughts I've been having about the afterlife and such. I've been thinking a lot about my own mortality and the fact that I might be older than halfway dead, as I approach 30. That I've spent the last ten years of my life drinking, smoking, and having little to zero disregard for my own health. That I'm almost 30 and I've yet to leave a legacy behind. That I couldn't create a happy and healthy relationship by now. That I have failed in many areas up to this point. Without getting into religion, I also spent a lot of time thinking about death and whether or not any of this matters. These thoughts are hardly ones that you want to spend a whole lot of your time thinking about. It could almost drive me to start drinking heavily again. 

And so I think about how I can make the most of it. How I can make life worthwhile without consideration to what happens after you die. Then if you really think about it, 99% of what you do in your daily life won't have any consequence as to whether or not there is an afterlife anyway, so why not do what feels good? Or what's funny? Or what could make a person smile? Confidence is basically doing what feels right with either total knowledge or total ignorance of the fact that very little of what you do actually matters. 

You don't want to talk to that girl over there because you're shy? Or embarrassed? Or fear rejection? Guess what dude, no matter what she says, it won't really matter. 

Afraid to ask for a raise or take a day off? It won't matter either way. 

Don't want to go to a singles mixer because you're embarrassed? Hey buddy, none of how "embarrassed" you get or shy you are will have any consequence on anyone’s life. In the end, it probably won't matter anyway.

That's not meant to come off as "NOTHING MATTERS, CHAOS EVERYWHERE!" though I could see how it might. It's just meant to say that no matter what you do, your worst case scenario is hardly even close to anyone else's worst case scenario. Your worst case scenario of rejection would be only a short moment of time for that person that rejected you and they'll instantly forget it. Your worst case scenario for taking a day off, is basically a "what can I do? them's are the law" for most bosses. Everybody at that singles mixer is in the same boat. But overall, it's what happens in the end:

In the end, we all stop going on. We all die. Then what will it matter? If you didn't hurt anyone else, if you left behind a good legacy, what will any of it matter? That's freedom right there. That's confidence. That's happiness, to me. I think that this period of self-discovery, of not drinking, of trying something new, has given me so much more than I could have ever expected.

Sunday will be July 1st and I will have successfully gone an entire calender month without having a drink, something that I haven't done in a few years and something I probably haven't done as a single person in over five years. But July 1st will also be the next step towards hopefully living better and having far more than another 30 years left on this planet, with time to right the wrongs and make the best of everything I've been given.

In the end, it probably won't matter. But as of right now, what you do this second, everything matters. I'll drink to that.

#thatisall

Want some more from Kenny? Follow him on twitter over yonder!

and don't forget to check out his blog!! <----- good shit!

Fun with #OkCupid: A dude in the OKC corral (having kids with friends, is it practical?)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Kenny. We e-met through OKC and although we've never gone out on a date, he was inspired by my documentation of my online search for love, that he wanted to come on board and provide male insight into OKC. So here you go ... and now we're here ... HIT IT KENNY!!</editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @KennethArthurS

Babies.  They seem like a really good concept but they are also a lot of work.  Babies cry.  Babies poop. Babies need your constant love and attention.  They are the biggest responsibility of your life and probably the biggest financial burden.

However, without more babies the human race would eventually die out and therefore make our time on this planet a total failure!  I know because I saw Children of Men and things got pretty ugly.  Plus having your own baby means that you can have your own bloodline go on and feel like maybe you left something behind on this earth after your body is found naked in a Wendy's dumpster.

I've always thought that having kids would be the way to go someday and I still do but babies have often required "loving relationships" or "loving in the backseat of my Oldsmobile" before conception, birth, and afterbirth.  I feel like I can learn how to change a diaper but don't know much about this whole "relationship" thing.

And even after you have the baby, at least half the kids in America will have to witness their mom and their dad call each other "dicks" when they inevitably split up.  Not only that, but half of that half will watch another divorce as they grow up.  My own dad is on his third marriage right now, but at least it is probably his last only because he is really old.

It's not just the divorce that sucks but old studies showed that children were more likely to get bad grades, less pleasant to be around, more likely to need psychological help, and more likely to have psychological problems than kids in homes that weren't broken.  However, I was the child of a "broken home" and I turned out okay.  Isn't that right, Satan-that-tells-me-to-do-naughty-things?

No, I really do think that most of that is "fluff" but that doesn't mean that it doesn't affect children negatively.  But is that negativity because their parents aren't together or because their parents aren't the bestest-of-friends anymore?

However, what about when the two people are friends and were never more than friends?  What if you skipped the part where you "broke up" by never being together in the first place?  Where does "marriage" exactly come into play when we're talking about pro-creation?  About the actual act of conception and putting my sperm into your egg?

What kind of a science lesson is this:

Kid: "Where do babies come from?"

Adult: "The stork."

Kid: "The F you talkin' bout?"

Adult: "Okay, when a man loves a woman, they lay down together and then nine months later a kid pops out."

Kid: "Okay... so the love makes the baby?"

Adult: "Yeah."

Kid: "Okay... but I love you and mommy so why don't we have babies together?  Why aren't I having a baby in nine months?"

Adult: "Well, other things are involved."

Kid: "So you lied to me?  How come Trisha has a baby but she doesn't have a husband or even a boyfriend?"

Adult: "Because Trisha is an idiot and now the MTV crew is here filming all of it."  

No, love is not a scientific factor in the making of a human being.  Blowing your load into somebody while "Take Me Home Tonight" plays in the background is where babies come from.  Millions of people are having babies with somebody that they don't love.  The only real problem is that you're probably having the baby unintentionally.

I've broken down the sanctity of the institution of marriage countless times before and yes, I'm doing it again today.  It's not that I have anything against marriage but I also don't think that it's necessary either.  And the more I thought about it, the more I thought that it makes perfect sense in certain situations to have a baby with a friend and still have both of you be present parents.

Most kids grow up with two homes as it is anyway.  If two mature adults can have a good friendship and not let weird things complicate that friendship like a little bit of sex for awhile until the girl is pregnant or arguments about custody, then why can't it work?  A movie that came out earlier this year, Friends with Kids, addressed that very issue.  (I haven't seen it yet but with Adam Scott, Jon Hamm, Kristen Wiig and Maya Rudolph, you bet that I will!)

Many people would probably call this idea "impractical" but I almost think that by definition, it's the most practical solution to your clock ticking that there is.  If you're a woman who is thinking about having a baby but haven't found the right man yet after years of searching or if you're a guy in his late 30s or 40s that just wants to leave behind a legacy but can't settle down... Is it crazy to think that you could skip marriage AND divorce and just get right down to da bizness?

I'm only 29.  I'm far too young to even be considering this and hardly capable of keeping a pet fish alive at this point, but I think that as humans evolve the concept of marriage and having kids will evolve too.  I think that this is just the next step.

Or you could try that "falling in love" thing I guess.

#thatisall

Want some more from Kenny? Follow him on twitter over yonder!

and don't forget to check out his blog!! <----- good shit!

Fun with #OkCupid: A dude in the OKC corral (Is Not Trying, Trying? And Why Does It Work?)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Kenny. We e-met through OKC and although we've never gone out on a date, he was inspired by my documentation of my online search for love, that he wanted to come on board and provide male insight into OKC. So here you go ... and now we're here ... HIT IT KENNY!!</editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @KennethArthurS

"Love always finds you when you're not looking for it."

"People want what they can't have."

"A bush in the bed is worth two in the bar."

These are sayings.  Well, the first two are sayings and the third thing is something I just made up but then I also think that it has relevance when it comes to people having more luck with the opposite sex when they're in a relationship.  People are more attracted to the less attainable and sometimes that lack of attainability is related to a person’s relationship status and other times its related to the "les affaires attitude" of a person that truly does not care if you are into them or not.  Desperation is not attractive.

I am rapidly approaching the age of thirty as a single man.  Maybe at certain points in my life this would have bothered me, but as of today I do not care, but I think that there's a catch when people say "don't look for it" or "just stop caring so much."  What exactly is a person supposed to do with that advice?  What if a person's favorite band was Aerosmith and then you just said to them one day, "Man, if you really like Aerosmith, stop liking Aerosmith."?  How exactly is a person supposed to handle that advice and what benefit does it have to them?  You can't fake a lack of care or a les affaires attitude just like you can't fake confidence.

You can't have confidence unless you are confident.  A person that is told "you need to be more confident" doesn't just wake up the next day and say "That's it! Today is the day that I will start to become more secure with myself!"  You just have to be more secure with yourself.  There is no faking it, there is only being it and if you are faking it, your efforts to try and be more confident will reek like a $12 cologne by Ray-J.

The same goes for not trying and not caring.  Something has to push you to that point or pull you away from where you were before.  I guess what has pushed me to this point would be something called "hitting rock bottom" but I don't think that's a bad thing or a desperation thing.  It's a "Why am I exhausting myself over this?" kind of thing. 

I went into 2012 with expectations that this would be a banner year in the love department and got off to a great start, having met three interesting and diverse women one right after another.  High hopes turned to low blows one right after the other.  I got punched in the gut with Manny Pacquiao force but somehow did not win the fight.  I kept battling though and used these experiences as life lessons that would help me in the future but then I hit a dry spell of boredom and false hope worse than season two of The Killing.  The last girl that I "dated" was the straw that broke the giants back, and this Fezzek crawled back into his cave.  What's a brother got to do to get a peanut? 

But rather than crawl and sulk or crawl and be angry at a vengeful God, I just crawled and said "whatever."  I'm just at a point where I can focus on other things and instead use this opportunity to do some things on OkCupid that are experimental or make me laugh.  My recent overhaul of my profile did just that

Rather than write about how awesome I am or write about my dreams, passions, and goals, I decided to write the worst profile ever.  I described myself in the most unflattering light I could possibly think of.  Under "What's the first thing people notice about you?" I wrote: "Probably that I smell because I'm always pooping my pants."

That's funny to me.

On OKCupid Locals, I am starting to set my Broadcasts in the same vein.  Last night I broadcasted this message: "I have never had sex.  Is it true that it's almost as good as Game of Thrones?" and also: "Good news! I'm infertile." 

Now I ask you, what do you think has changed in responses to my profile since I turned it from a serious one of a guy tryin' to get a peanut into a complete joke of absurdity and laughability without revealing anything true about myself?  Do you think that it is a turnoff?  Do you think I get blocked all of the time?  Actually, without sending out a single message in the last two weeks, without putting any effort into it, and with only having a single picture up, I've had more activity, messages, "four or five star ratings" and "Someone wants to meet you!" than I had in the last three months combined.

Do people want to get to know the real you online or do they just want a laugh?  Do they want to see the person you actually are or are we all just having a bit of fun?  I'm certain that it's probably a combination of both but I can't help but be shocked that this is what it really takes for me.  To remove care and replace it with having a bit of fun for my own amusement because it wasn't me faking it.  It was me honestly not giving a shit what you think about me or whether or not you want to meet.  I'm just as happy doing my own thing and living my own life without another person right now. 

Is it fair to reward a les affaires attitude?  Would you promote the person at work that cared the least?  Do you want to be with a person that wants you or one that does not?  These are all questions that I might have struggled with at some point but that point is in the past.  Because honestly... I just don't care what the answer is anymore.  I'm just going with it.

#thatisall

Want some more from Kenny? Follow him on twitter over yonder!

and don't forget to check out his blog!! <----- good shit!

Fun with #OkCupid: A dude in the OKC corral (Date Night?)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Kenny. We e-met through OKC and although we've never gone out on a date, he was inspired by my documentation of my online search for love, that he wanted to come on board and provide male insight into OKC. So here you go ... and now we're here ... HIT IT KENNY!!</editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @KennethArthurS

Here we sit on the Eve of June and I can't remember the last time I actually went on a real date.  Well, that's probably not true.  I can remember a couple of months ago when a girl that I met on OkCupid asked if she could smoke speed at my house.  Now that's what I call "Speed Dating!"  (Hit the drum and the symbol.  Perfect, thanks.)

Before that I went out with a girl for the second time and she invited me over to her house to play Scene It!  Considering that I'm the master of movie trivia, I'm all for a good game of Scene It, but I hardly thought that all she wanted to do was play trivia.  I don't know, maybe don't invite a date over until you're ready to not put up the stop sign when I make a move? 

Needless to say, this hasn't exactly been how I'd plan my 2012 to go in the search for love.  So now that we're getting closer to the middle of the last year of the Mayan calendar and I get dangerously close to thirty, I figured it was about time to try it out again.  Last week, in a feeble attempt to run an experiment, I sent out a bunch of OkCupid messages.  These weren't copy/paste jobs like I did on my English papers in college.  I actually ran with the same tips that Jen Friel has consistently given on what kind of message to send an online dater, picking out a specific part of the profile and making the message short and sweet.  The results weren't good.

Not a single date or prospect came from that experiment and I was even more discouraged after I ran it than before, when my only discouragement came from actual in-person dating fails.  Now I had both offline and online fails to hang my head over!  Ya know, no big deal, I just kind of like to fail like a boss.

Finally, a few days after I ran through OkCupid like a rabbit in a carrot factory, I settled down and re-collected myself and my ego.  There wasn't necessarily anything wrong with me (at least no more than before) and we can't force the issue.  As I've been doing for the past year and a half, I had to remember to focus on myself and improve myself.  We can't control what others do but we can certainly control ourselves.  We can shape our present, improve our future, and learn from our past.  That's what I had to do.  That's what I have to do.

My experiment was a failure in finding love, or even a gosh-darn-date, but it wasn't a failure.  I learned that picking up a hundred darts and chucking them in the vicinity of a dart board is no way to become a dart champion on ESPN the Ocho.  The only way to win at a game like that is to master throwing just one and getting it right and then repeating.

I calmed myself and perused OkCupid again and sent out maybe one or two messages.  Shortly thereafter I got a reply and exchanged a few messages with this girl, who I will be meeting tonight for my first date in months.  I've buried myself in my writing and my work and ignored my dating life but I can't simply ignore it forever because what the hell do I have to write about if I'm not living?  Fashion?  I don't know anything about fashion! 

I have no idea if this girl will be someone I see again and I can't predict the future, but I can focus on today and at the very worst I'll learn something, just like how I learned that if you pick up a handful of darts at once you're bound to bleed.  You have to take it one throw at a time.

#thatisall

Want some more from Kenny? Follow him on twitter over yonder!

and don't forget to check out his blog!! <----- good shit!