#WTF: Kevin's Kephalonomancy is Kontagious

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet Kevin. I found him on craigslist, kinda like how I found that half eaten bag of pretzels, and last Friday's booty call. Casual encounters, FTW! He's hilarious, and smart ... and little elves dance in his footprints as he walks. For the record, I've made two of those facts up. </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Kevin Herman

For those of you who were confused, distressed, or simply amused by the outlandish claim that women love gaming more than sex because...I mean, (a) its credibility was about as strong as my attempts to procure a job (read: weak to non-existent) and (b) it was a claim attempting to draw a relationship between gender, gaming, and sex by Doritos --- I’m making it up to you now by leaning in the other direction in the form of an equally questionable statement from another not-exactly reputable source based on similarly borderline retarded evidence saying that female gamers get laid more often.
 
And a dash of FUCKKK YEEAHHHH!!!When reading something like that, I...I just want to just stop after the headline, put some pants on for a change, and walk around the neighborhood performing charitable acts by giving obscene sums of cash to children (while assuring their parents my intentions are totally noble and please don’t call the police ma’am) because - holy shit - all is right in the world, as the internet just poured me a verbal fatty, gilded chalice full of Kool-Aid, scotch, and epic guitar solos.
 
But even as I run from the sirens and belligerent mothers, ripping my jeans while vaulting a fence post and hemorrhaging the last of my twelve dollars onto the pavement, I know the sinking feeling in my stomach isn’t from the fading cries of the confused children or the wounds sustained by guard dogs in stranger’s yards - it’s because I know that the study is too good to be true, and also because the highly unstable methamphetamine-derivative is probably wearing off.
 
And without getting too much into the flat lining, being resuscitated by a homeless man who just wanted to know where Subway was, reading the rest of the press release which confirmed my fears and triggered another cardiac episode, flat lining again, and finally waking up here, handcuffed to a hospital bed - yeah, the study was pretty much total bullshit.
 
“I want to run away with you.”The survey, administered and compiled by some online UK game rental company (which, as far as I can tell no longer exists), polled an earth-shattering 200 women over the course of a month on the sociologically concerned hunch that “the recent influx of the likes of Pink PSPs and DS Lites would affect gamers’ sex lives across the country.”
 
If you haven’t been overwhelmed by the sheer volume of retard and lapsed into a seizure yet, let’s continue.
 
My favorite part of the whole press release (by, keep in mind, a game rental service targeting potential consumers) is the totally unsubstantiated claim that many of the women who just recently started playing games “said that they now have sex more often than before. Gamers never had it so good!”
 
It sounds its death knell and goes where you’d expect it to go after that, basically cozying up to what they view as their naive, gullible nerd audience and whispering “Hey, bro, what I’m saying is this - Valentine’s day is coming up; fuck the candy, fuck the flowers - if you want more puss-ay, slip her this here copy of Elder Scrolls IV (after your first monthly fee of course) and watch as her lady parts literally repulse panties, guy.”
 
“One look at this guy and her undies are gone, bro.”In short: fuck those guys. But unlike the “gaming trumps sex” article before, this one actually raises an interesting question, in that while this study proves nothing and I feel is actually laughing at me while sharing its findings: are female gamers generally more...appreciative of the carnal arts than their non-gamer counterparts? Intuitively, anecdotally, and with absolutely no empirical evidence - I actually do want to say ‘yes’. And not entirely just out of wishful thinking.
 
I’m definitely not agreeing outright with the simple statement that “gamer women have more sex than non-gamer women,” just that in doing a quick inventory of the population of female company I keep (which is questionable at best, as even now they’re reading erotica while sharpening their combat knives), a large, large group of them openly/vocally own and celebrate their sexuality - and while I can’t make any assertions as to what the composition of this group is re: geek/non-geek, what I have observed is that a higher proportion of the geeks I know belong to that non-bashful, “Yeah, I like/love sex, what of it?” group than the proportion of non-geek ladies I know. An excellent example of an easy, candid, guilt-free attitude towards sex is our most excellent host, who is wont to casually discuss sex dreams and masturbatory habits conversationally without making it feel weird or inorganic. Unlike the “study,” I’m not addressing geeks and their frequency of sex, but rather their attitudes toward it.
 
I’ve thought a lot about why this is (yes, yes my mind is in the gutter) and have layperson theories like “Oh, well of course a specific social denomination that stereotypically engages in activities and interests that stimulate the imagination, promote catharsis, and engage people on a very visceral, primal level should be able to readily identify with the concepts of sex and sexuality,” but...I mean - I just don’t know. Most available literature confirms that for women, sex is largely a mental activity; lady-geeks thrive off of mental activities - the connection seems sensible. But maybe it’s just neuroses that are correlated with sexual proclivity. Or nearsightedness. Or Japanophilism. I have no idea. I don’t even know if this is a general trend or just limited to my own maybe hypersexually skewed social circle. Any peer-reviewed literature anyone wants to throw my way regarding “geeks + sex + super awesome” is welcome to do so.
 
...And until I muster the energy to make the Herculean effort of showering and finding a job, I’ll definitely have time to read it.

#nerdsunite

For more of Kevin’s politically incorrect verbal incontinence, follow him on Twitter or check out his like, completely legitimate astrological operation at Fiehard.