<editorsnote>Hi, I'm Jen Friel, and we here at TNTML examine the lives of nerds outside of the basements and into the social media, and dating world. We have over 75 peeps that write about their life in real time. (Real nerds, real time, real deal.) Sit back, relax, and enjoy some of the stories!!</editorsnote>
Oh goodness gracious, see what happens when I spend an afternoon on OKC?!! I screenshot and posted on this dude in my last post - he was number 3 aka the dude that over thought everything. Here was his response back to my email:
Projection much? But for reals, I'm not nice - I'm just honest.
I've been reading the Four Agreements for the last week, and in it speaks on the fact that when people say things like this duderino just said to me, they are merely projecting their own fears and insecurities onto you. This guy OBVIOUSLY is petrified by even the notion of online dating and hasn't gone out on a single date yet because of his lack of social etiquette within the medium. I actually give him props for emailing me twice - but now if he does it again he gets blocked. Time for the big boy pants, dude. They're in aisle two, next to your mom.
First up, if you haven't read my OKC profile - you can check it out over yonder. Might make some sense to the things guys reply to, haha. But for reals, these are all actual emails I've received recently, and my actual responses back to them. It is through this transparent experience that I hope you all can take away some knowledge on what works and what doesn't in the hopes of making your online dating experiences that much more fanschmastically awesome. YAYYYY ONLINE DATING YAYYY!!! K ... cool ... here we go ...
Frankly for any other chicakadee this is WAYYYY too forward, and something you should never EVER say to a chick. BUUUTTT considering I do take a lot of questions from guys on literally anything, I shall answer this one.
Actual Response: I personally prefer circumcised since I think they look "prettier." HOWEVER, sexually speaking it is easier to go down on a guy that is uncircumcised because he is MUCH more sensitive.
Hope that helps!! xo
Really? What in this is awkward??? I am on an online dating website, you are on an online dating website - WHAT IS AWKWARD?!?!?! This guy and I are only matched 59% and his lack of confidence is SUCH a fucking turn off. What WOULD have worked is if he pulled ONE SINGLE DETAIL from my profile and asked me to elaborate. There is NOTHING awkward about emailing someone online ... just fucking do it, man!!
Actual Reponse: None
Woooahh this dude is totally over thinking things. A chick never, ever, wants to hear all of this in the first email. "I have come to learn that the best approach is to go in with ZERO expectation?" Dudes, STOP TAKING ONLINE DATING SO FUCKING PERSONAL. Women are INNNUNNNNDDAAAATTEEDDDD with emails on these site every. single. day. The MEN have to be proactive, and the WOMEN are the ones that do the picking when it comes to online dating - period end of sentence. This is just a constant of the medium!! Yes you can sit there and complain, yes you can get your panties in a knot over the whole thing - but who fucking cares!! The guys that get this, and the guys that ACT upon it are the ones that are getting more dates. So you SHOULD have zero expectation when it comes to getting a response, always - BUT KEEP FREAKING TRYING!!
Zero pressure??? You are making my head hurt. Clearly this guy has yet to go out on a single online date. Oh dear god he needs help ...
Actual Response: Hey dude, thanks for reaching out. I'm personally not interested in dating you - but let me explain why ...
Dude, your email sucks. Never ever send an email like this again. Keep it short, concise, and to the point. Pick ONE SINGLE DETAIL from a chick's profile and ask her to elaborate. From that email you send, she will then look at your compatibility ranking and if it is high - she will THEN click on your profile, which will result in her either emailing you back or not. Use my profile as an example ... here is a good email you could send off of that:
Hey Jen!
Wow! quite the random life you have. I love Fight Club too! Have you read the book yet?
That email contains personality, conveys confidence, and genuinely doesn't suck.
First up, if you haven't read my OKC profile - you can check it out over yonder. Might make some sense to the things guys reply to, haha. But for reals, these are all actual emails I've received recently, and my actual responses back to them. It is through this transparent experience that I hope you all can take away some knowledge on what works and what doesn't in the hopes of making your online dating experiences that much more fanschmastically awesome. YAYYYY ONLINE DATING YAYYY!!! K ... cool ... here we go ...
I'm pretty certain this person just sent this to me to get posted on the site. Congratulations, I posted on you ... moving on ...
Actual Response: None
hahaha mass appeal trend whoring. I had an android up until it got swiped at the bar a little over a week ago, now I am apple fan girl all the way. Sorry, dude ... your hardrive and my software aren't compatible. ::sigh::
This email is cute, but it doesn't come across as confident as I'd like it to. Look at his opening line, "lifecaster, no pressure here ..." - women. want. confidence. Even if you don't currently have it, fake it til' you fucking make it!! Be like, fuck yeah, I can date a lifecaster! I have nothing to hide!! BTW, we're not different than any lifestyle writers, or musicians ... the speed of my posts however are usually within 24 hours, but whatever.
Anywho, not jiving with this guy. We were only a 63% match anyway. The lack of confidence was the biggest downfall. What would have been better was him deleting the first line of the email and starting with "So, you seem ..."
THAT would have been rad.
Actual Response: None
SPEAKING OF CONFIDENCE!! FUCK YEAH!!! Look at this email!! The very next one ... this guy OOOZZZEESSSSS confidence, and that my nerdy lovers, is a friggen panty dropper. I can tell he actually read my profile, and isn't just cutting and pasting - he states very clearly what his passions are and how they are directly in line with mine.
WELL FREAKING DONE!!! THIS IS THE EMAIL I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR!!
Actual Response: Hey dude, thanks for the response! Still single, yep!
First up, if you haven't read my OKC profile - you can check it out over yonder. Might make some sense to the things guys reply to, haha. But for reals, these are all actual emails I've received recently, and my actual responses back to them. It is through this transparent experience that I hope you all can take away some knowledge on what works and what doesn't in the hopes of making your online dating experiences that much more fanschmastically awesome. YAYYYY ONLINE DATING YAYYY!!! K ... cool ... here we go ...
It's OKC not Adult Friend Finder, dude. Even more hilarious though, this came from a fake account ... check out what this guy's actual profile said ...
Really dude, really? If your answers had been more clever I might have shown you the top of my left boob ... but now, you get nothing. NO BOOB FOR YOU!!!
Actual Response: None
You're taking a chance by asking a girl out on a dating website? Wait, I'm confused isn't that the entire purpose of online dating? That's like me congratulating myself for waking up this morning and walking down the street - I TOTALLY could have been hit by a bus or an asteroid, but no - I took a chance ... and WALKED. Makes no sense. Build up your confidence, man! There is nothing more unattractive than getting an email like this as a female. You're the dude! Be strong - want something? Go and fucking GET IT!!!
What would have worked better in this email is if he had asked me to elaborate on ONE single detail in my profile.
Ex: I see you're a Big Lebowski fan, have you ever seen Brain Donors?
That would have worked, and that I would have actually responded to - but the first email? Oh fuck no.
Actual Response: None
What am I supposed to say to this, yes? What part of laying by a pool all day sounds appealing to someone like me? At least mention if they have wifi - but the rest ... meh.
Actual Response: None
Oh dear god I don't know how much more of the single life I can take, it's rough out there ... so, so, rough.
Oh goodness gracious, what a night. Hold on, I need a song to go with the post. I promise, no Nickelback ...
So, after I conducted the 103 dates in 9 months, I swore up, down, left, and right to how good the OKC algorithm is at matching people but that chemistry and those "butterflies" can only truly come from when you meet someone who has a quality that you resonate with. I went out with 103 people (one female), out of that I had 11 second dates, 6 guys I slept with, and 4 that I wanted more from. Of those 4, I wound up picking the ONLY 4 that were emotionally unavailable. What in me resonated with that quality in a person? Albeit, the speed in which I picked up on said emotional unavailability did grow over time. The first guy took me two weeks, second guy took me a week, third guy took me two dates, fourth guy I spotted immediately on the first date.
I had a compatibility prerequisite that I never published (85% match or more), and I've since been asked how good can the algorithm be if I'm still single?
That's the thing though, dating has less to do with the other person and more to do with you and what qualities you are attracted to in a person. I now have a modern day shaman who is guiding me through my own issues as to not keep repeating history - but I'm doing a lot of self work now (hence why I also haven't been publishing as much of my dating life as in real time anymore).
Clearly if you've dated half of Los Angeles over the last two years and you're still single - there's something funky going on in that noggin.
I'm ferociously analytical, fiercely passionate about this site - and adore meeting new people.
One thing I had yet to do though with my time spent on OKC was to go out on a date with anyone less than about 80%. Mostly just out of my own lack of interest in even wasting my time with someone that I was so off with on core principles, but like any good scientist you have to measure out all of the variables. How could I with 100% conviction swear by the algorithm if I had yet to test the enemy percentage as well as the match.
On Friday, I was on my way to kick it with a good friend - and as I was sitting at the bus stop I checked OKC and I saw this message ...
I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE writers!! Like, writers make me weak in the KNEES!!!
I checked his profile, dug his pics - and then noticed just how UNBELIEVABLY mismatched we were ...
ZERO percent friend and 94% enemy.
Wow. Wow. Wow.
Instead of ignoring the message I decided now was as good of a time as any to test the algorithm. Who knows, maybe my ENTIRE approach was wrong and maybe opposites do attract!
I was intrigued and excited ... he included his name and phone number in the email so I sent him a quick text.
He got right back to me and we planned to meet up at the Roger Room at 7 yesterday.
Waking up yesterday morning, however, I got a text saying the following ... (stupid screen capture isn't working. I hate you droid charge!!)
Him: Just to clarify, I am actually on the site for dating not to be a test subject or column fodder. :) capiche?
Me: Im a writer so nothing in my life is ever off limits. I dont name names and no longer document datng in real time.
Him: Fair enough
Me: Still good to go?
Him: Yes, just leave the webcam at home.
I then hopped on the bus and headed over to the Roger Room later that evening. The bus was a little late so I started to text him saying that I was going to be about 10 mins behind, and as I was doing so he was already texting me indicating that he as well was running late.
Score one point for courtesy.
This might not be so bad afterall, I thought.
I then get to the Roger Room and sit at the bar ordering a Bellinni. (Which was so stupid since I hadn't had dinner and champagne goes straight to your head.)
After sitting for another 10 minutes alone he hit the "20 minute late mark" which means you have now granted me full right to live tweet about my experience ...
He then arrived, so I put my droid away.
We sat in a little nook in the back and began talking.
I get asked all the time about how exhausting it must be to date so much, as there are only so many "getting to know you questions" but I always explain to people that because of what I do as a lifecaster and because of the online dating medium in general being so transparent, you pretty much already know those things about the person so you can move onto the meat of the convo.
This has been the case with my matches 80% or higher. With a 94% enemy, I felt like I was on a job interview.
PLEASE FILL OUT THE FOLLOWING:
Name?
Birthplace?
Siblings?
Parents still together?
Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
The conversation just felt so stunted and unnatural. I was SO FREAKING OPEN but kept feeling like I was pulling things out of him, and since I'm naturally not an inquisitive person, it was just ... weird.
We didn't have anything really in common, outside of writing - and he didn't really get out of his shell until we started to talk about movies (his interest).
I then finished my drink, ordered another (it feels like bad form to just grab one SINGLE drink with someone), and continued to talk about movies since it was such a passion of his.
Then, I made the mistake of asking the one question you should never ask a movie lover ...
Me: So, what's your favorite movie?
Quickly realizing I committed a movie mortal sin, I backpedaled and said - no, wait, top 5.
Him: How could I ever choose a favorite, or 5?
Oh dear god, I thought ... quiet Friel ... just stay calm and it will all be over soon.
I sipped my drink giving me something to do while he started rattling off his favorite movies based on each genre since you could never compare the awesomeness of You've Got Mail to Citizen Kane(true story, those were both on his list).
Then after the second drink was over I mentioned that I was going to meet up with my friend (which was the honest truth, hence why we were meeting so early in the first place), he walked me out even offering to give me a ride to the next bar (since I had told him that I take public transportation). I thanked him profusely but explained that I live life with the "journey is the destination" mentality and I never know what I could get into along the way.
He smiled, and thanked me for my time and hoped to see me again.
I genuinely liked the guy - he's great, I'm totes not mad at it, but he made me appreciate SO MUCH the algorithm and how FREAKING IMPORTANT it is at dating someone with the same general approach to life as yourself; the conversation flows soooooooo much better and easier.
Many blessings to my 94% enemy. Again, he's a great guy, but not for me.
Monday, April 9, 2012 at 4:02PM
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