#NerdsUnite: Literally! (Top 3 favorite sexual moments)

<editorsnote> This pretty much goes without saying but Mom, Dad, love you both dearly (happy birthday again Mom) - but leave. Like now. Like now now. K ... bye! </editorsnote>

It's funny, now that I've given up casual sex for a few months - pretty much all I can think about now is sex.

<tangent> Dudes, nerds are the fucking HORNIEST people on the planet; nerds are self aware. That can have a downside with making us more prone to anxiety, depression and god only knows what else ... and an upside to the fact that we're really good at figuring out how to make things we're experiencing feel EVEN BETTER!!! Get it? Get it? huh? huh? I'm talking about our private parts!! </tangent>

Rather than relish in any new rendezvouses my old ones keep playing like a broken record in my head.

Nerds, I present to you ... my top 3 favorite sexual moments. (In no particular order)

1. First time I had an orgasm from penetration.

This was hands down a top life moment in general. Lemme break a few things down for you ... a chick having an orgasm in front of a dude for the first time is pretty much the most emotional thing ever. And for reals, man - I am WAY more like a dude than a chick, but breaking down that barrier emotionally was huge huge huge for me. HUGE! Masturbation for girls growing up is weird. We don't talk about it with our girlfriends, it's this super secret thing that we do without anyone knowing and women in general can be so neurotic with just about everything that there is no real frame of reference in which we can measure. (You can read more about that here.) Being that emotional in front of someone, when you're not even sure "if it's right" is just a weird thing to experience. No bones about it! (no pun intended) Sex to me at that point was literally changed forever. It flips a switch in your brain, and then I got really really really really reeeeaaaaallllllyyyy into sex. REALLY into it.

Advice for females hoping to get off for the first time from penetration:

1. Be in love. Had I not been in love there is no way I would have been able to have that orgasm. I felt safe, I loved the dude - it made breaking through the barrier easier.

2. Be on top. Sounds like common sense, but it makes a HUGGGEEEE difference when you're on top and can control the rhythm. Try on a couch too, there's something anatomically compatible about the firmness of the cushions and the way you can really get in there!

3. Do it the week before your period. I know dudes, ommmmgggggggg she said the "p" word - but get over it. Females are more charged the week leading up to their period so they are hornier, and it is a LOT easier to orgasm when you're hormonally charged. Not impossible to experience at other times, but for your first one ... a whole HECK of a lot easier.

2. A date I went on in Culver City and woke up in Santa Barbara.

That entire date was literally the most bat shit thing ever. (You can read more about it here) Basically, this dude and I went ice skating in Culver City, had an amazing time then he fills up his car with gas and goes, wanna have an adventure? We then drove through the night to Santa Barbara (2 hours away) and boned by the fireplace. I know it sounds tame, oh wow - sex in front of a fire place ... but there was something about this dude. We had CRAZY CHEMISTRY, were bonding over this unbelievable experience of just meeting after being matched so high on OKCupid, and the sweat from the sex mixed with the cold air (it was in February) - my hair hitting my back getting warm from the fire. I mean literally the hottest thing ever. Wait, talking about it just turned me on. Breathe Friel, get through the post first.

This sexual encounter was also done on a couch/love seat. Apparently I have a thing for couches.

Can that be a fetish? People who like to bone on a couch ... ::TO THE GOOGLE::

3. Boning on Zzyzx Road

HAHAHAHA this was one of the greatest things ever. Zzyzx road is absurd. It's this random road on the drive from LA to Vegas, and I'm pretty sure the only reason why it's famous is because no one can pronounce it. Someone in the car will always yell out, oh look! It's ZZsomething road. YAY!!! It makes no sense, it just looks weird and no one can pronounce it leaving us all to remember it.

That being said, one trip back from Vegas, I was with a duderino I had been dating (also mentioned in the female orgasm post), and I think it was the general vibrations in the road compounded with the fact that he was also only the second person to ever give me an orgasm - when we were driving back I literally screamed you have to fuck me ... right now. We hadn't been on the road for that long, but I was pretty horny.

You can't just pull over and fuck as it's not that safe, and you'll get a ticket if you get caught - so I told him to pull over at the next exit where we could find a shady spot.

The next exit just happened to be Zzyzx, and just like that we pulled over, I threw him into the backseat and fucked his brains out in a corporate sponsored car.

Hey, Ford might have told us we couldn't drive the car upside down (that was actually in the contract I signed when I was named an agent in the Fiesta Movement), but it didn't say anything about having nook nook. MWAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAH!! Hottest. Thing. Ever.

There you go. Top three sexual memories. And now ... I uh, have some business to attend to.

#kthxbye

#WTF: Dude, I checked in on @Foursquare to an orgy last night.

Totally not even kidding either. Like, at all. I am going to try to explain how unbelievably BAT SHIT this night was, and it's not at all going to register. I present to you ladies and germs, my best attempt ... HIT IT LL!!!

OMG, I cannot believe I am even typing this ... Mom and Dad ... go away. Love you, so so much but leave. Like now.

Alrite, so @meowmistidawn is totes mcgotes one of the gnarliest human beings on the planet. Like for reals, I adore her ... cause this all went down because of her. She's BFFs with @drsuzy and @drsuzy hosts this radio sex show every Saturday night from this warehouse in downtown LA. She tweeted me saying she'd love to have me on the show, but apparently wanted to meet me or something first. Totally understand - she has a very specific clientele. I get it. She then invited me to come down tonight with Misti and her boyfriend Michael to get acquainted.

Dude, I had no idea how acquainted we were all going to get.

Cue 4sq checkin:

HAHAHA, I was wearing a blazer - albeit with a skin tight micro mini ...

... I thought I was going to a radio show interview - TOTALLY DID NOT ANTICIPATE THE MASSIVE ORGY IN THE ROOM!!!

Dr. Suzy was celebrating the Purim, and was reinacting a live action role play of the story. No joke ... look at this!

Per Wiki

Purim Story: The Book of Esther begins with a six month (180 day) drinking feast given by King Ahasuerus, for the army of Persia and Media, for the civil servants and princes in the 127 provinces of his kingdom, at the conclusion of which a seven day drinking feast for the inhabitants of Shushan, rich and poor with a separate drinking feast for the women organised by the Queen Vashti in the pavilion of the Royal courtyard.

At this feast Ahasuerus gets thoroughly drunk and orders his wife Vashti to display her beauty before the people and nobles wearing her royal crown. She refuses, and Ahasuerus decides to remove her from her post. He then orders all young women to be presented to him, so he can choose a new queen to replace Vashti. One of these is Esther, who was orphaned at a young age and was being fostered by her cousin Mordecai. She finds favor in the king's eyes, and is made his new wife. Esther does not reveal that she is Jewish.

Shortly afterwards, Mordecai discovers a plot by courtiers Bigthan and Teresh to kill Ahasuerus. They are apprehended and hanged, and Mordecai's service to the king is recorded. 

Ahasuerus appoints Haman as his prime minister. Mordecai, who sits at the palace gates, falls into Haman's disfavor as he refuses to bow down to him. Having found out that Mordecai is Jewish, Haman plans to kill not just Mordecai but the entire Jewish minority in the empire. He obtains Ahasuerus' permission to execute this plan, and he casts lots to choose the date on which to do this - the thirteenth of the month of Adar. When Mordecai finds out about the plans he orders widespread penitence and fasting. Esther discovers what has transpired; she requests that all Jews of Shushan fast and pray for three days together with her, and on the third day she seeks an audience with Ahasuerus, during which she invites him to a feast in the company of Haman. During the feast, she asks them to attend a further feast the next evening. Meanwhile, Haman is again offended by Mordecai and builds a gallows for him.

That night, Ahasuerus suffers from insomnia, and when the court's records are read to him to help him sleep, he learns of the services rendered by Mordecai in the previous plot against his life. Ahasuerus is told that Mordecai had not received any recognition for saving the king's life. Just then, Haman appears, and King Ahasuerus asks Haman what should be done for the man that the King wishes to honor. Thinking that the King is referring to Haman himself, Haman says that the honoree should be dressed in the king's royal robes and led around on the king's royal horse. To Haman's horror, the king instructs Haman to do so to Mordecai.

Later that evening, Ahasuerus and Haman attend Esther's second banquet, at which she reveals that she is Jewish and that Haman is planning to exterminate her people, which includes her. Ahasuerus instead orders Haman hanged on the gallows that he had prepared for Mordecai. The previous decree against the Jews could not be annulled, so the King allows Mordecai and Esther to write another decree as they wish. They write one that allows the Jews to defend themselves during attacks. As a result, on 13 Adar, five hundred attackers and Haman's ten sons are killed in Shushan. Throughout the empire 75,000 of the Jews' enemies are killed (Esther 9:16). On the 14th, another 300 are killed in Shushan. No spoils are taken.

Mordecai assumes the position of second in rank to Ahasuerus, and institutes an annual commemoration of the delivery of the Jewish people from annihilation.

Yeah, all that plus dildo scepters ... LOOK!

Dr. Suzy is Dr. Suzy Block circa the mid 90s on HBO. Dude, when I was 14, she definitely taught me how to give a BJ. Not like I actually acted upon it until later in life since I was a prude Jude, but the educational component of it was fascinating. For reals, this lady knows her stuff!!!

It was insane. Literally, I get there, and 5 minutes later I hear this chick who was supposed to play the Queen backed out at the last minute, and they asked me if I would play her part. The requirements were that I would have to be naked, but sex was totally optional.

5 minutes ... this was asked of me in the FIRST FIVE MINUTES!!!!

I apologized and declined the offer to seduce the king, and be stripped while hanging from this massive X on stage. Hot, I know ... like normally totally game for some kinky ass shit, but live on a web cam - I totally wussed out. I was honestly just trying to absorb as much of the environment as I could, it was SUCH an interesting place - there was clearly a sexual undertone, but it wasn't energy based; it was just sort of there, in the background. You kinda forgot about it since the people there just didn't obsess over it, they just let it organically happen.

And then ... the inevitable occurred ...

Only in LA would you be invited to a 50 person orgy and just so happen to bump into someone you know! Like really?!?! Is this happening?!?!

Amazing. Amazing. Amazing.

I'm not gonna lie though, it was INCREDIBLY awkward for me at first. Every time I was standing somewhere alone someone would come up to me. Of course, in a totally loving and accepting way - this place was seriously a house of looovvvvveeeeeeee ... but I like being a fly on the wall. I like to watch and observe, then come up with a plan of attack. I was out of my element, DEFINITELY out of my comfort zone, and dude, people were totally boning and like on fire!

This chick was wrapped in saran wrap and then whipped with a cat and nine tails. I'm not even kidding you when I say that was one of the hottest things I have ever seen.

It was a really really really interesting performance. Again, everyone there was so free spirited and so tapped into their feeding their animalist and carnal desires in the rawest form that I have ever seen. I don't know how else to say it, but until you experience something like this you can't understand how this wasn't sexual it was just art and expression. Hey, I consider search engine optimization and social media marketing an art, to each their own baby!

The orgy did not turn me on ... like at all. I felt like I was watching animals play around with each other, and I was the curmudgeon zoo keeper with a habit for picking noses and wedgies. It was really fucking weird. Well, weird isn't a good word - more like a very new life experience that I did not expect to have.

Amazing. Amazing. Amazing.

ANNNNDDDD you guys aren't going to believe it, but I totally bumped into @pazpaz there as well! In the smallest world ever category, he's besties with Misti's bf Michael. Dude, I got SO many emails and tweets when he stole Paris' birthday cake last month from you all that we should totally meet. How friggen random was that? Yep, city of 8 million ... clearly that was bound to happen.

Really nice dude, btw. Like crazy, retarded smart. Like crazy crazy retarded smart, but very unassuming about it which of course makes it all that much hotter. Very intriguing individual, and very open minded - clearly.

He gave me a ride home as we don't live far from each other, but picking up his gf from a club on the way back was just weird. Dude, how do you explain to your gf that heyyyyyyyyyy, we were just at this orgy - totally didn't bone, but yeah ... wasn't sexual at all ... was just looking around.

HAHAHA!! omg I was dying. That chick did not like me. At all. I was watching her facial reactions to things I was saying, and her face had anger and disgust written all over it. Sweet girl, I'm sure ... like I ain't mad at anyone ... but the poor dear had a bad night, needed to be picked up from a club and then hears all about this orgy from this random chick that's sitting in the front seat next to her boyfriend.

Hall of fame for awkwardness - forrrrrrrr sure!!!

 Amazing. What a night. I was laughing when we were driving over there - I just kept saying I had no idea what to expect but was at least hoping I could get a post from whatever experience I was going to have.

Oh how naive ... oh how naive ...

#ivebeenabadbadgirl

Wanna learn more about Dr. Suzy and her house of awesome?

Check out her site over yonder!

Thank you so so so much Misti, Michael, and Dr. Suzy for the invite. AMMMAAZINNNGGGG time!

Yay social media!!!

oh and ps. didn't get to keep the dildo scepter. Like seriously, I could totally use a new one. hahaha! Majorly bummed! Next time - sigh