#NerdsUnite: My first adult heartbreak (PT. 6)

<editorsnote> In this series of posts, I hope to explore and examine my first adult relationship and subsequent heart break in the hopes of releasing what may or may not still be present. </editorsnote> 

Alrite my sexy lover faces. You ready for the next part? Hereeeeeeee we go ... Here's part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4, and part 5.

Here's the song that goes with the post ... 

I woke up in the chair sometime later. My body ... my soul ... everything hurt. I couldn't live life the way I was leading it anymore, I just had no idea what my next doable action was emotionally to learn how to pick myself back up. 

I feel a tap on my shoulder. Excuse me, Jennifer, someone named Tom is here to see you? 

Where's Noah? I said. 

I don't know sweetie, but Tom said he is going to take you anywhere you need to go. 

Tom worked for Noah, and was one of his long time friends. He's 20 years his senior, but a genuinely rad dude ... just not someone I wanted to see at that moment.  

The nurse helped me up and out of the chair and we walked outside to the front lobby. 

Tom was startled by my appearance. He looked at the nurse, is she okay? 

She's calm, and we already have a call into the hospital so they are expecting her in the emergency room. What you need to do is go back to the house, and help her gather some things for at least a couple of days. 

Sure, he said. 

Don't grab anything of value, just make sure she is comfortable. 

Not a problem, he said as he looked back over at me staring in shock. 

I say nothing as I walk into his truck. 

I curl up in the front seat - let's go, please, I just want to go. 

We have to go back to the house quickly just to grab you a few things. 

That's fine, I say. Whatever we're doing though, let's just do it. 

I fall asleep in his truck, and Tom goes back into the house and put together a bag of clothing for me. 

When he starts the car again, I am awoken. 

Where is Noah? 

He's working, and couldn't make it down. He sent me though to make sure you were okay. 

Jen - he says firmly, what happened to you? 

I don't know I say, I just can't keep living life this way. It's fake. Everything I am doing is fake. 

I understand, he said. 

Not wanting to discuss anymore, and wanting the awkwardness to subside, I closed my eyes and fell asleep for the remainder of the car ride. 

The car comes to a stop. 

I open my eyes and see the red Emergency Room sign. 

Do you want me to walk you inside? he said

No, I'm fine. I genuinely appreciate the ride, Tom. Please tell Noah I love him. 

Will do. 

I lower myself down from the truck and walk into the hospital. I walk up to the nurse sitting at the check in. 

Hi, my name is Jen Friel - I think someone called ... she cuts me off. 

Yes, the automatic door opens to the emergency room wing, come right this way. 

Another nurse greets me at the entrance. 

She's petite, about 50 with sandy blond hair, and bright inviting eyes.

Hi, Jennifer. I'm sorry to hear you're not feeling good. So glad you came to the right place though. 

I couldn't kill myself, I confess. It didn't make sense. But why am I leading this life? What am I doing? 

She wraps a blanket around me. That is what we are going to help you figure out, she said. Have you tried killing yourself before? 

Yeah, once. I swallowed a bunch of tylenol PM, it made me so so sick. 

You're lucky you're still alive, she said. 

If you can call this lucky, then yes - you are right. 

She hugged me. It's okay sweetie. It will all be okay soon enough. We're just going to focus right now on making you better. Can you have a seat for me? 

I then sat in a folding chair outside of her office. I just need to call upstairs to the ward and check to see if someone can admit you. 

Admit me? I said 

Yes, you're being placed on what we call a 5150 which means you are a danger to yourself or someone else. We have to put you on a psychiatric hold for the next 72 hours.

SEVENTY TWO HOURS??!

  I was also supposed to go back east and visit my parents for a long weekend later the very next day. I was now facing the reality that not only am I in this hospital not able to leave, but now am going to have to call my parents and explain to them WHY I can't leave.  

Instead of lashing out I remained quiet. Don't react, I thought. You're not operating from logic right now. Assess the situation first then plot next step. There has to be a way I can talk myself out of this, I thought. 

After about an hour in the emergency room I was then taken upstairs to the 5th floor. 

We stood at the entrance of the ward and rang the buzzer. 

This looks like a prison, I thought. 

The door opened, and the nurse guided me through with the blanket still wrapped around me. 

They're going to ask you a bunch of questions now. Just stay calm and answer as clearly as possible. 

Yes ma'am. 

She hugged me and lovingly placed her hand on my cheek. You're so beautiful, please take care of yourself, get better. 

I smiled, I'll try. 

I then walked into a tiny room next to the nurse's station where the process of being admitted began. 

Now, if you guys want to read the whole story on my time spent in the nut house, you can read this post here. These series of posts are about Noah, and Noah only. I don't want to re-tell a story that's already been told, but rather, highlight how this situation impacted our relationship.  

My most vivid memory from this entire experience was when my head hit my pillow that first night. To this day I can still hear the clicking of the stapler from all of the paperwork I had just filled out. 

So. 

Much. 

Paperwork.

Click ... click ... click ... 

Click ... click ... click ... 

Click ... click ... click ... 

Click ... click ... click ... 

This is it, I thought, I am officially crazy. 

Shortly after the ativan kicked in and I fell asleep.

The next morning, after oversleeping - I went to the phone bank and called Noah. 

Please deposit 25 cents please, the automated operator responded. 

I put in my quarter and dialed his number. 

Straight to voicemail. 

I leave a message ... 

Hi, it's me. I don't have long, but I just wanted to say I'm fine, that I love you, and that visitors hours are this afternoon in case you wanted to come by.

I then gave him the ward info and who and what he should ask for. 

I love you, Noah. I'm just ... so sorry. 

I begin to cry as I hang up the phone. 

The day marched on, and come visitors hours I was excited hoping to see Noah. 

We hadn't talked since I had been admitted, but I was confident he would at least stop by. 

I walked into the cafeteria and watched people pour in to visit the other patients. 

Fathers, mothers, grandparents, friends, everyone had someone. 

I sat and patiently waited. He'll be here, I thought. He loves me, he can't not be here! 

45 minutes go by.

Maybe he had trouble finding parking, I thought - or he's lost. 

It's okay, he loves me, he'll be here. 

15 more minutes go by. 

Visitors hours are coming to a close, please be aware that in a few minutes you will need to leave - the nurse announced. 

Wait, that's it? Just 1 hour? That's not fair! Everyone had someone! Noah never came! 

I didn't want to tell any of my friends or anyone else that I had a nervous breakdown. Noah knew, and I had called my parents - but other than that, he would have been the only person to visit me.  

I still to this day remember that very moment when it hit me that he wasn't coming. I stared out the window of the cafeteria ... how could he not come? I thought. I'm in a hospital, I just had a nervous breakdown ... this is the scariest thing to ever happen to me, and I'm all alone? 

Yep, top 5 for the worst moment of my life.

Right there, in that moment it hit me that I was going to have to figure this out for myself, and if I wanted to go home and get myself together I was going to be the only one that was going to do it. 

I managed to catch the eye of the doctor and asked if I could speak to him for a second.

I explained to him that I had a temporary lapse in rational thought, but that I was supposed to be on a plane to visit my parents in a few hours - could I be released to their custody?

He sternly asked me to sit down.

Jennifer, why are you here?

I'm doing life wrong, I said. I'm just not sure what to do next - but this isn't the answer.

You're smart, Jennifer. Very smart. The notes from the nurses all say the same thing ... why is she here?

Any history of mental illness?

Well, my great grandmother might have been bi-polar. But other than that, I'm not sure.

He takes out his notepad scribbling something down, and hands me the note. 

Take this for when you go home - for now I'll tell the nurses to add it to your meds.

I look down at the prescription it says one word - lithium.

If you can get someone to pick you up at 9am, we'll make sure you get released. I need you to understand though - this is only the SECOND time I have ever done this in my professional career and I am only making an exception because you are not going back to the immediate environment you came from, and you'll be monitored by your parents.

Thank you, I said. Thank you!

I hug the doctor, run over to the phone bank and call Noah.

It goes straight to voicemail.

Hi, it's me. Can you pick me up at 9am tomorrow? I'm getting released.

I then gave him directions on how to get up to the ward, and who he needed to ask for.

I closed with love you!

I made no mention of being disappointed over not seeing him during visitors hours - I can forgive anything, I thought - I'm now getting out, I'm getting a new lease on life.

A new lease on life? Maaayybbbeee, or maybe a new lease on a new apartment.

Yep! Next up! Noah picks me up, and a few weeks later I get a commuter apartment. Shit got baaaaadddddd!!! Thanks for reading nerderinos!!

#nerdsunite

 click here to read part 7

#WTF: Kevin's Kephalonomancy is Kontagious

 Nerds, meet Kevin. I found him on craigslist, kinda like how I found that half eaten bag of pretzels, and last Friday's booty call. Casual encounters, FTW! He's hilarious, and smart ... and little elves dance in his footprints as he walks. For the record, I've made two of those facts up. 

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Kevin Herman

Kevin’s Personal Fall Guide to Geekery

This forced hiatus from fretting, brooding, and fussing is the only reason I have the time to do this right now; yes, I could feasibly do it tomorrow after the test, but like I strongly hinted at last week, I plan to induce a three day coma the second I’m back in my room.

Still, after alluding to my piles of time wasting treasures in the last post, more than a few people inquired as to exactly what said piles consisted of. And by “more than a few” I mean “I think one real person and a bunch of others I imagined after trying to freebase bath salts.”

Regardless, it’s a veritable treasure trove of geekdom, and while the involuntary respite from studying has given me free reign over my time today, my actual brainz remain...uh...fettered, SO, I’m resorting to the cop out among cop outs that amounts to little more than me listing items I am physically surrounded by, hoping that the common theme(s) are enough to qualify this post as “relevant.” Relevant to what, I have no idea, but you’re about to get a fucking face full of sweet shit, as I am no doubt the paragon of fine literary/gamer/cinematic/televisionary taste - so here we go - a concise list of geeky shit to last approximately 2 months, for anyone who is interested or needs a cheat sheet to fake geekery for whatever reason:

Kevin’s Inventory of Sweet Shit (That Makes Him So Phresh):

TV Shows:
I treasure the Fall TV lineups, even if Californication never seems to decide whether it’ll crop up in Fall, Winter, or Spring until the last minute. I should also say up front that I’m bad at watching TV - I only started “following my stories” a few years ago and there’s a lot of really good TV that goes under my radar, usually shows that people expect me to watch and I have not seen a single episode of. Still, this is - at least right now, and in no way exhaustively - what I’m excited about:

- Dexter (Season 6) - Oct. 2nd - Righteous serial killer, dark humor, and a totally unexplained ever mastery of advanced martial arts. If you don’t have premium cable, steal it from your neighbor or watch online or something.

- House (Season 8) - Oct. 3rd - If you don’t know who/what House is by now, shame on you.

- Homeland (Series Premiere) - Oct. 2nd - Cat and mouse game between bipolar CIA operative and an 8-year POW’d Marine potentially turned by Al Qaeda. Generating quite a bit of positive buzz already.

- Modern Family (Season 3) - ...already going - Hilarious.

- The Walking Dead (Season 2) - Oct. 16th - It’ll be interesting to see how it evolves with a slashed budget. Still, anything based on the OG graphic novel in my now much larger collection must be watched with gusto.

- Castle (Season 4) - already started - I’ve only seen an episode or two, but I love police/law procedurals, love Nathan Fillion (protip for fake geeks: geeks love Nathan Fillion, he is a good idol to pretend to have), and think Stana Katic is kind of really adorable. Gonna have to netflix some DVD’s, looks like. Speaking of DVD’s...

- Justified (Seasons 1-2 DVD, 3 on TV) - I’ve heard nothing but amazing things, and I’m a big Timothy Olyphant fan. Furthermore, it’s based on some Elmore Leonard novels (w00t) and it just sounds generally sweet as hell.

- Chuck (Season 5) - Oct. 21 - I lost interest towards the beginning of season 4/was having trouble reconciling it with the rest of my crammed Tivo, so I stopped watching it. Still, I feel like at least riding it out for this last season, so I’ll give it another go.

Video Games:
I’ve been amassing both actual games and pre-orders scheduled to release with the perfect sized intervals of time between them - more than books, tv, or anything else really, nothing distracts me from actual priorities more effectively than video games, so this pattern of just accruing them while taking care of biznass for a month or so and then playing all of them in a video game binge immediately following the completion of said biznass is nothing new.

- Portal 2
- Deus Ex: Human Revolution
- Dead Island
- Ace Combat: Horizon Assault (pre-order arriving 10/11/11)
- Battlefield 3 (pre-order arriving 10/25/11)
- Modern Warfare 3 (pre-order arriving 11/8/11...AHHHHH!!!!!)

I’m thinking it might be high time I got an Xbox 360...I started developing an affinity for indie games about a year ago and XBLA seems to generally have better pickings in that department than PSN (BASSSTTTIIIOOOONNNNN!!!!!)

Graphic Novels:

- Crossed (Vol. 1) - Garth Ennis - Plague induced psychopathy vs. uninfected people with guns. Kind of like “The Crazies,” except presumably much longer. Also, Garth Ennis is a god.

- Holy Terror - Frank Miller - Originally slated to be a “Batman vs. Al Qaeda” story. If that does not sound fucking sweet as hell or at least intriguingly novel to you, get out. Gotham was retooled as “Empire City” and Batman turned into “The Fixer” but the lone dude fucking up zealots on the verge of attempting the greatest crime against humanity story remains.

- Daybreak - Brian Ralph - A fresh take on the tired zombie genre told from the protagonist’s first person perspective, rife with black humor and a jarringly cartoony style for such heavy matter as the ever present threat of the undead and violent sociopaths the apocalypse always seems to spawn. Really excited about this one, it’s been getting a lot of excellent buzz.

- Feynman - Jim Ottaviani, Leland Myrick - A graphic novelization of the biograph of Richard Feynman. Yes. If you don’t know who Richard Feynman is...just...just think quantum mechanics, bongos, and strip clubs.

- Crossed (Vol. 2) - not arriving until December, and done by David Lapham.

- The Boys (Vol. 9) - Garth Ennis - I fucking love “The Boys”. Between a timid-ish Scottish protagonist based heavily on Simon Pegg and witnessing the massive hilarious shortcomings of countless superheroes in their private lives, it’s just amazing. Oh right, and Garth Ennis again. Unfortunately also not arriving until December :(.

Books (of the non-graphic variety):
This is kind of misleading, as I actually finished the last of my summer reading last night and don’t have another book in the chamber just this moment. But in my experience, people are always looking for book recommendations (assuming they’re “down with the reading”) so...yeah. The tactic I use for piling/binging with video games applies to books too - moreso, because they’re a shit ton cheaper - my summer reading books were almost nearly all bought in one giant batch that I’ve been working through since I graduated in early June, up through...uh...well, last night. I’m not going to go in any particular order, but I will note when I really dug the book, or perhaps even just really disliked it:

- John Dies at the End - David Wong - A novel by Cracked.com’s senior editor, I fucking loved this book. Managed to keep me in an unsettling equilibrium between terror and hilarity the entire time. Exactly the kind of think you’d expect from a Cracked writer - it’s hilarious, well-written, is poignant when appropriate, and has its fair share of dick jokes.

- Fuzzy Nation - John Scalzi - Not Scalzi’s best, in my opinion, but it’s still Scalzi. That means it’s great.

- Feed (Book 1) + Deadline (Book 2) - Mara Grant - A group of blogger/journalists uncovering some insane conspiracy in a world that is the aftermath of a decades-prior zombie uprising that’s been long contained yet still poses a significant threat to humanity.

- The Hunger Games trilogy - Suzanne Collins - Battle Royale by Koushun Takami, back in high school, was the first lengthy novel I read in one sitting because I was totally unable to put it down/put pants on and go outside. The Hunger Games, from what I understood, was basically a young adult rendering of it - which turned out to be more or less true. Kind of pales next to Battle Royale, but it’s still an entertaining, if not stylistically a bit simple, very quick read.

- Everything Is Going to Kill Everybody - Robert Brockway - A non-fiction book by my favorite Cracked columnist. It rules. If you have any interest in sharp wit, science, the apocalypse, more dick jokes, and learning, this is a must read. So good.

- Bioshock: Rapture - John Shirley - A novel depicting the events leading up to the point that Rapture (ala the video game Bioshock) goes batshit insane. It was kind of really disappointing. I realize there’s a difficulty for even excellent authors inherent in being told to write something according to what some other entity says happens, and do so in the universe that they have independently created, but in this case I was particularly bummed out. The universe of Bioshock is one of the most stylized, gripping, fresh, and rich ones created in recent video games, and while the novel gets details right, it does so without actually capturing the ‘feel’ of the world.

- Ghost Story - Jim Butcher - Book #13 in the Dresden Files. I love the Dresden Files and Jim Butcher, and it was, as expected, a fun read.

- Ready Player One - Ernest Cline - A critically acclaimed book surrounding pop culture and video games primarily from the 80’s, I saw it rated really high on two separate book reviews from entities whom I respect so I was like yeah, okay, that sounds amazing. It was good, but I’m more a child of the 90’s, so my ability to identify as nostalgically with it was limited.

- City of Saints and Madmen + Finch - Jeff VanderMeer - The former is a collection of short stories set in the steampunk city of Ambergris, while the latter is a full novel set in the same city. The short stories were alright, but the novel was fucking great.

- The City & The City - China Miéville - It had won awards up the wazoo and was dark, mysterious, and awesome. Can’t really quite explain it. At least not quickly.

- Them + The Psychopath Test - Jon Ronson - Two great examples of badass, hilarious literary journalism from the dude that brought you The Men Who Stare at Goats (the book...not the movie).

- Blindsight - Peter Watts - A really trippy, award-winning, dark, excellent piece of sci-fi.

- Gun, With Occasional Music - Jonathan Lethem - Stylized pulp noir set in a steampunk universe where a lone private eye has to deal with drugs, talking animals (they actually talk, the drugs are not related), and his “karma balance”. Very cool book. Dark humor and a twisty plot.

- A Matter of Time - Glen Cook - I’m a fan of Glen Cook, although normally for his style more than the content. That switched this time around with a more simplistic writing style favored to tell a way more engaging than normal story. Klein bottles, time travel, murder mysteries, Vietnam, etc. It’s good shit.

And I think that about does it. I only have two books coming in the mail soon (Zone One by Colson Whitehead and The Magic of Reality by Richard Dawkins) which I’ll probably talk about at some point after I’ve read them.

Okay, time to lie down and try not to think of anything not involving the letters A, B, C, D, or E.

#nerdsunite

Click here to follow Kevin on Twitter!

#Amazeballs: 29-Year-Old Deaf Woman Hears Her Voice for the First Time

OMG OMG OMG OMG OMFFFGGG!!! This was just posted on Mashable, and it is FLOODING my newsfeed right now. 

I just watched it and totally started crying. There ... are no words. Beautiful beautiful beautiful video. 

Here, watch ... 

Click here to read the full story

UUUGHHHHH!!! Tell me that's not one of the most inpsiring things EVVERRR!!! 

Seriously man. Think of all the stuff we take for granted every day. Blows me away. 

Life is so so so precious. BAHH!!! Thank you for sharing this moment with the world 29 year old lady's husband!

Congrats on the new implant!!!! =) =) =) 

#somuchlove

#NowPlaying: Lykke Li - Dance Dance Dance

Oh goodness gracious nerderinos - currently writing what should be the last chapter in my first adult heartbreak (read the latest chapter here). I say should be - but everything that I write is very much in the moment, and literally all done in first draft - so I say that as being hopeful, haha! Actually the next part will be the most intense, this is the unraveling of everything ... WHICHHHH was obviously inevitable, but also just one of the worst years of my life. Dude, to go from being locked up in a nut house, to breaking up, to losing everything I owned in a cockroach infestation to him having a kid - I mean GGNNAARRLLLYYY shit. But also, part of why I am so gun-ho about shit in life now. I very very very literally have no problem grabbing life by the balls and calling it my bitch. When you spend 24 years in a depression, and finally decide enough is enough - shit gets real, and really fast. 

I'm stoked, man. I can't wait to just be done with this story ... it happened so long ago, I'm ready to release. 

Soooooo, that happened. It'll be fully written this morning and up. On the bright side of things, I am UNBELIEVABLY excited for my day today. I have meetings this morning, and a super big one this afternoon - and all topped off with an unbelievably hot date tonight, that I am very excited about. So excited, I won't post on it. ::mwahaha:: Dudes, I have no filter as is, you add in the lifecasting component and it's just WAYYY too of an unfair advantage for the duderino. 

Ah! I am not mad at life right now. Not at all!!! 

So ... lemme get back to writing out this post. OH! Here's a song for you to get your engines going. Love love LOVE me some Lykke Li, and this song makes my life. ENJOY! 

#kthxbye

#NerdsUnite: Yay! I just graduated college!! But um, now what?

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Megan. She recently just graduated from SDSU and is now entering the world with a fresh pair of eyes in a stinky economy. In these series of posts she will discuss her thoughts and discoveries as she ventures out into the real world. Hit it Meg!!! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @MegCorbs

When you live in L.A. sitting in traffic becomes part of your life. It is unavoidable. Doesn't matter if it's 5 pm or 2 am there will ALWAYS be traffic in certain areas.

Being a valley girl and having an internship and job on the westside meant that I had a 1.5 hr commute in the morning...easily.

If you would have told me that I would be doing that much driving a year ago I would have laughed in your face. Mainly because I HATE driving. Always have. I'm not a bad driver by any means (0 tickets and 1 minor fender bender over 3 years ago) but my anxiety is at an all time high when I drive. Probably learning to drive here with all the shitty drivers did that to me.

Even though I'm not doing the crazy commute anymore (YAY!), I learned to embrace it best I could.

Trick #1: See is as an opportunity to wake up slowly, so that way by the time you get into work you are ready to go

Trick #2: Have some coffee or any other morning beverage. It makes it seem more relaxing. I love me some Crystal Light Energy mix-in packs.

Trick #3: Have a great form of entertainment ready. For example, I LOVE LOVE LOVE my comedy podcasts. I can zone out easily and they put me in a great mood. My favorite? NERDIST! (seems fitting huh? haha)

Trick #4: Don't let the asshole drivers get to you. EVERY city has shit drivers but LA seems to accumulate quite a few of them. Instead of turning into a crazy road rage person, just laugh at their idiocy and keep on keeping on

Trick #5: People are at their funniest in the morning. Since everyone is zoning out as well and for some reason think other people can't see into their cars, you are sure to find some good entertainment. Whether it is Mr. Pick-His-Nose-And-Eat-It or Ms. Belting-Out-The-Song-Like-Mariah-Carey, it is sure to give you a chuckle or two.

But most importantly...don't let it kill you slowly!

#nerdsunite

Click here to follow Megan on twitter!