<editorsnote>Hi, I'm Jen Friel, and we here at TNTML examine the lives of nerds outside of the basements and into the social media, and dating world. We have over 75 peeps that write about their life in real time. (Real nerds, real time, real deal.) Sit back, relax, and enjoy some of the stories!!</editorsnote>
<editorsnote> Shina Rae is a newbie nerdy artist who recently moved from our great big city of Los Angeles to Chiiii-cago. She has agreed to come on board and document her search for love. True story ... Cause like this is all happening ... like now. Like right right now ... Hit it Shina! </editorsnote>
I'm Back On My Kanye Chase..... (it's a metaphor)
Sooooo I've been in hiding. My heart is trying to heal from this unrequited love I've been under the spell of for so long. Sometimes I think it is healing, other times, not so much. But I just had a moment here where I thought about what he's done to me, and how he's probably done it to other women, and how they must feel about him, about themselves and about future love.
Well this is how I feel; it's kind of an open letter....
To all of you guys (& girls who do it too) who date someone continuously without any thought of commitment, who keep a situation 'open', 'free' or 'unestablished' b/c you don't have the balls (read: courage) to shit or got off the pot, who know they're not really gonna pull the trigger but selfishly string someone along because it keeps you satiated or (worse) just from feeling lonely sometimes, who keep someone around simply as a backup.... unless you've CLEARLY stated this to your partner and they ACKNOWLEDGE and AGREE with your feelings then, YOU sir (ma'am) are a ...
I mean it's just plain douchbaggery to treat anyone like this. Is this how you would treat your mother, sister or grandmother??
You are one of the reasons why there are so many fucked up, dysfunctional relationships out there; like the one's your parents likely had- so maybe you learned it from them, or possibly from one of their absence? You facilitate desperation, deception, dissolution & often unknowingly diseases and you're not only hurting others, which is despicable, but you're hurting yourselves and future generations.
So if you can't see it, Ima tell you now, you could prolly use some therapy. But here's some Kanye in the meantime....
And my ladies (and for that matter men) who've had someone do this to you, keep your heads up, know it was their insecurities that made them act this way and don't let it make you less secure in yourself and above all, don't let it change you into someone soooo ...
Do what you gotta do, know you deserve not only better but the best, and if you gotta, just ...
<editorsnote> Shina Rae is a newbie nerdy artist to our great city of Los Angeles, and has agreed to come on board and document her search for love in this big city. True story ... Cause like this is all happening ... like now. Like right right now ... Hit it Shina! </editorsnote>
Well, I don't know what to think y'all..... I've been out here for a while, moving & shaking, making parties more fun with my presence, and of course I've been dating.....and I've been amazed & disappointed at the ladder. I don't think I've told you the story of how I got my broken heart. The whole thing may actually be a story for another time. What I'm trippin off of at this moment, presently, right now, is how this guy (the Heartbreaker - as he shall formally be named), or rather WHAT this guy is doing.
A little back story as to how I got here.....to these feelings.....today.....
Yesterday while I was learning the in's & out's of a new job at Supastar Clothing the owner/creator Rachael and I got into a discussion about guys, er, jerky guys. See she and I are in about the exact same place with them, where in we are both in love with someone (different) who is playing with our emotions by stringing us along with phrases like "I care about you" "I'm here for you" and the likes but it really isn't true.
*side note, if you're one of these guys this is dedicated to you ...
So what, guys, do you think that because you omit part of the sentence it makes the statement honest?? Try the truth "I care about (myself and I enjoy fucking) you" "I'm here for you....(or anybody, really, so that we can do it)" or just keep you mouth shut!! Now I know why you don't tell the god's honest truth..... because I will RUN and you don't want that. But the simple fact is, you telling me you care, when you only care about yourself and how I make you feel, does not make you sweet. It makes you a LIAR. And it makes thoughts grow in my head & my heart that will be totally unsubstantiated. It's a little shameful really.
Sooooo.... I listened to a bit of her story and told her mine. It's amazing to me that I can listen to a story so much like mine it's practically identical, and think "gurl, what the frick is you doin'???" and when it comes to myself I can make excuses for the Heartbreaker b/c I loved him and wanted to be his exception not the rule....but I'm not. And there's a book that I love and hate all at the same time, all about it.
Anywho, a few days before my birthday I had had enough and decided to say something. I still had very strong feelings for this man, and with guys trying to get my attention here, I wasn't open to any of them because of these feelings. And these feelings are basically useless since they're not reciprocated, so I need to GET RID OF THEM, and with them goes HIM. I needed closure.
Now I'm not one of those girls who stalks online. A check in maybe, but I just don't have the time or the emotional capacity to be a creeper. But this guy, as much as I want to hate him right now & heartbreak removed, is still a pretty cool dude (and in my head there's still a lot of stupid 'what if' thoughts) so I didn't do the usual delete him from your networks. Hell, he'd already hidden his twitter after a gf of mine fwd'd me his feeds w/e he would hit on other girls on there- good looking out gurlfriend...?. So yeah, I've kept him as a "friend". But why?? *see above what if thoughts*
In the last message he wrote responding to me telling him he was a puss for not finishing our convo when I caught him in a lie, which caused us to not speak for a month+ b/c he was even more of a puss and said "let's finish this talk later" then had the audacity to post online "sometimes it's easier to play dumb" -yup saw that one in the feed- but NEVER called......and still hasn't. And that's a shitty way to end what was a good experience (note not a relationship - that's too much pressure). *you got all that peeps?* After all that, I wrote him saying
He said, and this is a direct fucking quote,
"I do want to stay friends. I don't want to be misleading. I always feel like time heals all. So that's why ive been mia. I keep up with u through FB."
ON FUCKING FACEBOOK??? First of all, he's not even friends with my personal fb page (and probably doesn't even know it), good friend right? Secondly, if you want to be my friend pick up the phone and dial it. Period. Don't be a lameass lamester and say some shit like that. Here's what he went on to say.... "Friends are suppose to make each other happy, not cause pain. I miss u2. Let's bring back the fun and happiness we use to have when talking with each other. Life's too short, that's what it's suppose to be about, happiness. I hope all is well, hope to talk w/u soon."
I guess I'm supposed to make that call tho, because, wouldn't you guess?? He has not called me. And don't you love how he threw in that I miss u2 line?? What a load, eh?? He misses me and hopes to talk to me soon, but apparently not enough to call. See this is why a girl gets confused as fuck. Don't miss me and not let me know until I say something first, what the eff is that about?? If you feel it, say it, and if not, don't repeat me. I can be, and am happier without him calling or telling me lies like he misses me. So what's the point of all this?? I dunno really, to get it off my chest since I don't talk to anyone about it and it's festering like an awful infected pus-ey (not pussy - although that would be equally disgusting) festering infected blister.
I was going somewhere with this, I SWEAR. I was saying how I don't know what to think about what he's doing. And what he's doing is being aloof. That's cool. It's really helpful in the moving on department. Until today, when I posted something on my FB, (yup that place where there's evidence we know each other) and he commented. He NEVER comments on my posts. Like NEVER EVER EVER. So why now?? WHY Friend?? OBV, I'm not gonna ask him, b/c I don't really want to start that convo, but I'm buggin'. So I'm writing it out, and you know what?? *SMILING SHINA FACE* I feel better already. Just one more thought on that note....
Editor's Note: Shina Rae is new to Los Angeles, and apparently making a series of poor decisions. Rather than continuing down that path, she downloaded the Magic 8 Ball App on her iPhone and is now using that to make up her mind for her. No ... like seriously.
#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @ShinaRae
I LUV it. The concept of Magic 8 Ball Life is simple. Any thoughts I'm having about decisions in my life, ignore them and do what the damn ball says. Thazzzz IT!!!
I could use a little direction if I'm all wondering & analyzing, and if I'm doing that, I'm really wasting productive time. So when I allow this majestic mind maker upper to do the work for me I'm actually saving time. It's really win/win as long as the ball keeps giving me gold! And it has been, that's the crazy part, it's been dead friggin on so far. How is that actually possible? I dunno?!? It's truly mind boggling! But I find it's easier to send it my questions, than to spend my time thinking about something I don't have the answer to.
* when I asked the ball if it really was magic, it said. Without a doubt. Well alright then...........
So, quite happily as you might imagine, I've been asking the mother ball at home for help & even tonite found myself consulting the app on my phone for all life's little mysteries. Shit's getting serious....
Magic 8 Ball....let's start you off easy
Question. Will these turkey empanadas be delicious?
Answer. You may rely on it.
Action. Well there was nothing to do but eat them, we'd already ordered them. I was just proving a point to a skeptical friend.
Result. Deliciousness of course. *mwuah Now for some real business....
Q. Should I take the awesome job that I was offered?
Ans. Yes, definitely
Act. Going to say yes Mon. Really was going to anyway, glad M8G confirmed tho. no need to spend a bunch of time weighing options, right?? haha
R. Let's find out together....
Q. Should I help with the fashion show tomorrow? * asked last night
Ans. As I see it, yes.
Act. I'm going! And I was totally going to skip it. My gut was telling me to. It was also telling me to drink earlier. So how credible is my tummy now?
R. Looking forward to making great connections and hopefully getting more business out of it.
R. Pending ...
Q. Will I record this song tmrw (finalllllly) * asked last night
Ans. As I see it no.
Act. well I'm still going to try to make it happen. I woke up this morning to a text saying "lemme know when you're ready to come by the studio" Good sign for the recording, but not for M8B's track record. Might be about to lose one here my friends.
R. I'm hoping M8B got this one wrong, bout ta go find out!
Q. Will there be time for the cute boy party tonite?
Ans. Better not tell you know.
Act. Gonna go with the flow today and see how it all shakes out.
R. I'll let 'cha know
So on with the experiment.... It's totes rockin' my socks right now. I have let go of sooooo much stress already, for realz, I can feel it in my shoulders and neck. It might just be that the conviction of a definitive answer that allows me to stop a lot of the 'but what if' thoughts that pop into my head when I make my own decisions, often clouding my judgement with my queries. It might be that the edict is just easy to listen to, and I like not having to think.... but whatevs. Ima end it how I started.... so far.....I LUV IT!!!
Editor's Note: Shina Rae is a newbie nerdy artist to our great city of Los Angeles, and has agreed to come on board and document her search for love in this big city. True story ... Cause like this is all happening ... like now. Like right right now ... Hit it Shina!
Ok, it's random, to think, maybe even believe, that asking yes or no questions to a completely arbitrary object could prove to be a proper system fir answering life's questions, but the world seems like it's trying to make a very clear point to me.....that my decision making can at times be......well, sucky! So why take responsibility anymore? Why not just relinquish my control, and put it in the hands of something completely unbiased?? Seems perfectly logical if you think of it, a 50/50 shot at getting the right choice, is probably better odds than me choosing myself.
This idea started out as Magic 8 Ball Dating, and I will make sure to document that for you, b/c I'm sure it will be interesting......but has quickly developed into a way of life for me, in just the past few days.
There's a lot of decisions to be made in life as in the dating world.... so when I have a decision to make, from now on, I'm hittin' up the trusty ol' liquid filled dice agitator. Sometimes I'll ask it things, I've already made my mind up about, and damn, if this dynamic little oracle doesn't usually agree with me..... And when it doesn't?? Well that's the very theory I'm testing. So far, I think the 8 ball makes the better decision, which is pretty sad for my decision making skills, but I'm ready to learn. Magic 8 Ball teach me you magic!! And if you could find a way to tell me about cool stuff like this too somehow, that'd be extra Hot Duck Sauce!! But I'm not asking for miracles here.
Anywho, I've been testing it this week..... Here we go. Magic 8 Ball........
Question
DAY 1 -does he love me -should I tell him I love him -should I tell him he's hurting me (by being distant) -should I work with the creepy guy -should I work with the director guy
DAY 2
-should I date this guy who asked me out and seems nice buuuuut.....
-should I call/txt the super good date guy
-should I call/txt the cute guy from Bardot
-is should I ask him out
-will I find a better job out here
DAY 3 -will I have a memorable birthday -should I ditch my girls to go to this celeb parties I'm VIP'd for -should I be friends with the friend after last night? -should I continue to do fashion -should I keep doing music
Answers
DAY 1 -better not tell you now -cannot predict now -all signs point to yes -my sources say no -yes!
DAY 2 -reply hazy - try again -yes - definitely -outlook good -better not tell you now -as I see it, yes
DAY 3 -my reply is no - It is decidedly so -outlook good -yes! -it is certain
Action
DAY 1 -asked again (over a few days) every time same noncommittal answer * guess I'm not ready for the truth anyway -kept feelings to myself -a clear & (as) concise (as I could make it) email describing my feelings -tried it for a couple of days -showed interest, and am waiting on music
DAY 2 -not going to push it b/c I'm not terribly interested *maybe M8B will change it's mind sometime?? but probably only if I do first. haha -sent a friendly hello text to see if he's in the city -text him to ask a question about something he's expert on -I'll see him tmrw, and maybe ask again before I head to the partay -keep looking for better work
DAY 3 -did my damnedest to make to make something amazing happen -didn't ditch 1st party- brought friend with & feltlike she was uncomfortable and unhappy the whole time 2nd party- didn't go instead went to eat w/friends ex-boss and he was kind of a douche -me eating feelings about the shitty birthday and not bringing it up (except in this very public blog which she reads, of course) - Ima keep doin it! - Ima keep doing this too!! You can't stop ME!!
Result
DAY 1 -bummed -didn't get my heart extra broken b/c there was no reciprocation -response that let me know I should move on. *Thanks for getting the above answer right too M8B! -he was totes a creeper & was more interested in trying to kiss me. ICK! -2 days later music came; it's AWESOME!!
DAY 2 -we're friends, and that seems right -we have plans next week when he gets back - yay -he told me about a badass party tmrw night... nice. -I guess I'll find out tmrw - I'll keep you posted of course -the very next day got a job in the industry, that I love
DAY 3 -just another day for me, nothing special that is..... -most awkward b-day ever & - 1st party didn't get to enjoy the event the same way I would have if I was sans friend 2nd party kind of terrible way to spend your birthday having someone you don't know trying to instigate drama *hope to not remember it quickly -we're homies of course 1 shitty day can't ruin that she's a pretty rad chic *but she did have some things to say about me giving up my dreams for a real job, sooooo..... magic 8 ball -2 upcoming fashion shows -Results based on your comments to this vid
See the Magic 8 Ball knows it's shizznit. I really just need to let it decide everything. & I need to get better at listening, too. M8B might not give me the answer I want, OBV, but it's track records 100 right now.... so I just need to listen when I get the answer I don't want b/c it's probably the right answer anyway! So, I'm going to do my very best to abide by it, for these next few weeks, as I test this theory of mine that the 8 Ball makes better decisions than I do. I don't know what I'm trying to prove really. Maybe that I need therapy? Hahaha, or maybe that I need to learn what my gut is really telling me, or maaaaaaybe that I need to turn off some of my analyzing? Who knows, only trying the experiment will tell me the results. And hopefully will yield some good ones, it's already seems to be working tho....
Imagine how much time I would've saved having asked it 6 months ago about the dude who doesn't love me, or how much less time I would've wasted this last week in the office trying to avoid creeper boss dude? Or how much time I would spend thinking about a shitty birthday, instead of just dropping it an moving on. GAWD Magic 8 Ball you are my new GODESS!! I am already feeling better about life!!
Editor's Note: Shina Rae is a newbie nerdy artist to our great city of Los Angeles, and has agreed to come on board and document her search for love in this big city. True story ... Cause like this is all happening ... like now. Like right right now ... Hit it Shina!
Yup. Really.
Here's a song for you all, btw ...
I am as shocked as anyone, I suppose.... I didn't think after meeting me twice and a few texts I could've even found a boyfriend. Serio, I'm more excited about shuffling than I am about seeing this guy. Sad (for him) right??
I know some people move at like warp speed, like Yeezy falling in love with a porn start & honeymooning on the dance floor quick, but not this lady. I got a hell of a life, but it's not that one.....
Let's go out on some dates & get to know each other, exchange pleasantries, last names & even a little yum yum saliva before we decide to change our FB stats to "It's complicated", K? I needta know you're going to be there before I bare all, and you're not doing so well when you play the "I missed you" card eeeeeeeeeeh, next!
So I told him, politely (& mind you this is my first break up with someone I didn't know I was dating, so I wanted to be gentle), I was overwhelmed with the attention I've been getting from boys out here and I'm not interested in dating anyone. TRUE STORY.
And so believable that, do you know what he told me..... c'mon now guess!! It's really quite entertaining, and not at all demeaning, diminishing, or just downright disgusting.....
He told me, "yeah, I'm a good guy, I just wanna see you get what you want, most guys they just see you're new out here and they wanna get at you before you're tainted." Well doesn't that make me feel all gooey inside. Thanks for equating me to, well, a whore. I mean, I've obviously had sex before, been in relationships, none of those people scarred me so deeply. Maybe he was implying that men (himself not included, of course) are really shitty out here, and they make girls dirty?? ICK, well now I really don't want to date anyone.... kay thanks!
*side note: As I was typing this up I got a text message from this same guy saying "Damn, you deleted me off your friends list too? WoW"
Are you FRIGGIN SERIOUS with this SHIZZZZZNITT??? I didn't actually delete him, in fact I had never even accepted him as a friend. I told him I didn't delete anything & he responded..... "Awww, I want you back, I'm going to request you again"
Good luck with that!
SWITCH UP - after this AWESOME, um, experience, I checked out a weekly event a friend throws and just happened upon a dope musician who is super cute and you know what, I don't miss him, but I am looking forward to seeing him in a few days, or so, you know whenevs. We're texting......about music, not feelings yet!
Option not Priority, right?? But YAY!
Maybe in a few WEEKS or MONTHS, I'll feel this way ...
Thursday, September 8, 2011 at 10:47AM
I'm Back On My Kanye Chase..... 
