#FootFetish: Yep, I just accepted to have a foot slave

Friday on Twitter, I tweeted out that I was starting to seriously consider dating a guy with a foot fetish just so I could get my feet rubbed. See, I just got back into jogging and now between all the walking and jogging that I do my feet get SO FREAKING SORE by the end of the week and it makes me a total crab apple.

No me gusta el crab apples.

What I didn't expect from that single tweet however, was the OVERWHELMING response from dudes asking if they could rub my feet.

Kinda creepy, I know, but the more I thought about it the more judgmental I realized I was being over the entire thing. This is just one dude's turn on, boobs and butts are an equally big turn on for a lot of other dudes so if I tweeted out - hey who wants to rub my rack, I GUARANTEE you the response would have been the same if not greater.

BOOBS! BOOBS! BOOBS!

This got me thinking ... what really goes into a foot fetish? And who are these people?

Moments later I then got a very sweet email from a reader explaining that he was elated I was so curious, and since he lived in LA he wanted to see if we could meet up.

He was incredibly up front with everything, and said that he's had multiple masters in the past and is really into humiliation. All he wants me to do is ignore him while he rubs my feet.

Now, I am personally more of a sub when it comes to sex, so to be the dom in any capacity intrigued me.

This is obviously WAYYY outside of my comfort zone, I thought, so this could be a really cool learning experience.

Here's the actual email explaining his history ...

Hi Jen,

Because you’re interested in having me massage your feet, and intrigued by foot fetishism in general, I wanted to tell you about my foot fetish history.

For as long as I can remember, I was preoccupied by women's feet. When my parents female friends would visit the house, I would stare at their feet. I was equally obsessed with the feet of girls my own age. I have always loved women's feet. And my submissive impulses were already there as early as 3 years old: I had fantasies of being a butler, a servant.  I had one babysitter who would plop down on the couch and I'd bring her drinks and snacks and she would rest her feet on my face while she watched TV. Good gig for her. But I was happy: I needed feet in my face – even back then.

By the time I was actually kissing girls and fooling around, the fetishism and submissive tendencies were completely buried. It's interesting to note that VERY EARLY ON, i realized this was considered to be weird and taboo. So my sex life was normal through my teens.

My junior year of college was the first time I lived away from home and had access to the internet. And I immediately began exploring my fantasies on line.  This was the late 90s and the internet was new to me.

I looked up foot fetish and BDSM porn and I realized I wasn't alone in my desires. I had also found a book in Barnes & Nobles called "Different Loving."  It was a sympathetic view of power exchange / BDSM interactions with many personal essays.  It shocked my system: I read almost the entire thing right there in the aisle. But I still felt intensely shameful. I felt like a creep, like a loser. And of course, there are plenty of people out there who would say that foot fetishists are indeed creeps, losers, or worse (is this online? - just look at the comments below).

___

Fast forward a few years. I had moved to New York City. And much like I responded to your foot fetish / I want my feet massaged post, I wrote an email to a professional Dominatrix who lived in Manhattan. We arranged to meet. I went over to her "studio" where she conducted her BDSM sessions. We discussed my interests. And long story short: she made me her "houseboy." This wasn't a professional arrangement. I wasn't her client. This was a personal, Mistress - slave thing.  For over 5 years - FIVE YEARS ! - once a week, I would go over to either her studio or her apartment, sometimes both, and clean for her. I would run errands. I would give her massages. And she would reward all of this service by allowing me to worship her feet. The arrangement ended when I moved out here to Los Angeles.

I'm still in touch with my former Mistress.  And she was instrumental in encouraging me to be honest with my current girlfriend.  Instead of being secretive, I was able to be honest and up front about my desires.  Listening to the Savage Love Podcast didn't hurt either: I could hear Dan Savage calling me a “piece of shit asshole” if I tried on the idea of going to see a Dominatrix behind my girlfriend's back – and he would have been correct to call me that.  So after years of shame and secrecy, I did the unthinkable and came clean to my GF. I told her that I have a foot fetish, that I have the desire to be dominated by other women.  And I explained that this was a compartmentalized impulse, distinct from the romantic love & sex we shared.

Guess what: She completely understood and gave me her blessing. It was life changing. Someone I loved more than anyone in the world was accepting me for who I am.

It made something that I admit is weird feel more normal. Everyday, since my girlfriend’s acceptance of me, I’ve felt more healthy, true, and peaceful.

My biggest epiphany was that this was really about humiliation. I'm someone who requires humiliation to feel sexual.  So someone ordering me to pick up a coffee or dry cleaning and then allowing me to get on the floor and pamper their feet while they relax or work - that really does it for me. 

BTW: you can wikipedia this shit: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Erotic_humiliation

___

I hope all of this intrigues you. Let me add one more thing....

It's really, deeply upsetting that foot fetishists or people into BDSM or whatever are considered to be FREAKS.  If you googled "foot fetish" or did a key word search in twitter - I'm sure there are people saying tons of negative shit....

You can't choose what gets you off. There are kids killing themselves because they're gay and they're in environments where being gay is shit on, where they're told they're going to burn in hell, or that they're just plain freaks: sexual shame is seriously intense.  I bet a lot of the people who are quick to shit on foot fetishists, calling them freaks, or leaping to an even more absurd presumption that they're dangerous - I bet a ton of those people would be quick to be like, Of course it's OK to be gay! Meanwhile, not realizing that people who have foot fetishes are just as hurt and shameful and often closeted because of their desires. There is an absolute parallel.

(And look: I have to admit that foot fetishists do creepy things. But I believe this is a result of being closeted and desperate. I get that there’s a reason for this reputation. I guess I'm just saying it's a shame.)

So you have no idea how grateful I've been in my life to meet people who are like: Let me get this straight: you're going to worship me like a Goddess, I don't have to say thank you or even be nice, and in return all you want is my feet?  GREAT.  It is pretty fucking great and mutually rewarding if you have an open mind.

This is long. I could say a lot more. But I hope foot fetishism continues to intrigue you and that you see it can be pretty cool.

How awesome is that? I want a dude to run my errands and worship my tired running feet!! I don't even know if I have cute feet? I mean, I know they're super small and have high arches (which is apparently a good thing) but who knows, maybe this will increase my value as I can say I not only have a solid rack and a butt but some seriously epic toes. I am 27 years old, at this stage in the game - I am pulling out ALL stops to bag me a boy.

He's down for me documenting, so I will be updating you all as this adventure unfolds and give an extremely honest approach to what it is like to be around someone with this kind of fetish. What happens if I end up dating a dude with a foot fetish? Would I be grossed out? Who knows! Might as well find out my boundaries now. 

#staytuned

PS. and if my soon to be foot slave is reading this ... get offline! no one said you could read my website. you have to earn it, boy!

Ah yes, I could totally get the hang of this ...

click here to join in on the conversation on Facebook

#NerdsUnite: The Ramblings of a Raconteuse (Asian in Hollywood?)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Helenna. We met on twitter not too long ago, and she's totes mcgotes one rad chiquita banana with a flare for all things flair! That's right, Helenna here is what we call an artsy fartsy nerd. She's a poet, into all things dramatic arts, and she's going to come on board to write each week about her love of said drama. Well not like actual drama drama, like some cat fight shit - but you get the idea.

I only have one thing left to say ... HIT IT HELENNA!!! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @Helslevy

Yes, I’m Asian.  This usually surprises people since my family name is Santos and people automatically assume it’s Spanish.  While this is true, it is also a Filipino surname, and I am in fact Filipino. In truth, I am what Hollywood likes to label as “ethnically ambiguous” which can be a blessing and a curse.  I have been very lucky to be able to play characters from a myriad of races and backgrounds, and yet at the same time, I usually don’t look enough like any specific race to be cast when that character has to be a sister or daughter in a family that is full blooded [fill in the ethnicity here].  This is because I am also half Russian/German.  

This was always a strange thing for me growing up in Canada in a mostly white neighborhood.  Kids would say “what are you?”  And while they wanted to know what my ethnic background was, they actually might as well have been asking me if I was an alien.  Add in the fact that as an adult I married a man with a Jewish last name who is a practicing Buddhist, and I have become a human melting pot of race, religion, and tradition. 

Why do I bring this up?

Well, lately I’ve come to realize that even though I am Asian, I’ve never really been involved in Asian/American culture and this kind of bums me out.  I didn’t have any Filipino friends growing up aside from my family (who are royally awesome), but I don’t speak Tagalog and I feel like I don’t know enough about Filipino culture to fully identify as Filipino.

This is something that I started thinking about when the teasers for this fall’s new television shows started to be released.  

At first, I was incredibly discouraged by the lack of minorities, specifically Asian Americans in major roles in the new shows this season. NBC’s fall line up was the first to be released and I was really bummed out to see that it was a sea of mainly white faces in leading roles in each, “Infamous” being the exception having a strong African American lead.  

Now, I don’t know why this surprised me so much considering that Hollywood has always been really slow to pick up on the fact that the landscape of America has changed and that television needs to reflect this.  There has been a lot of discussion about the “white washing of Hollywood,” but specifically I’ve been very interested lately in the fact that Asian Americans are often marginalized and shown as two dimensional caricatures. And of course it isn’t just Asian Americans that aren’t properly represented, but I am quicker to notice this because of my ethnic background.  

Then the teasers rolled in from FOX, CBS, ABC, and the CW and I am happy to say that while there aren’t huge number of minorities leading shows this coming season,  I was proven wrong in thinking that Hollywood would keep ethnic minorities as supporting characters only this fall. 

As far as minority leading ladies go, I can’t wait to see Lucy Liu rockin’ it out in “Elementary,” Kristen Kreuk in “Beauty and the Beast,” and Mindy Kaling looks HILARIOUS in “The Mindy Project.” 

Now, the question that begs to be asked is what about minority leading men?  

All I have to say is thank god for Jon Hurwitz and Hayden Schlossberg because although “Harold and Kumar” is being developed as an animated series for Adult Swim and not live action, I’m sure it will do an incredible job of blowing the lid off of ethnic stereotypes.  

Now, in the middle of me contemplating minorities in Hollywood, specifically the Asian American experience, little did I know that the LA Asian Pacific Film Festival was happening in my neighborhood.  Like I said before, I have not been really “plugged in” to the Asian American community so this totally would have slipped past me, but thankfully I read Lynn Chen’s fantastic blog “The Actor’s Diet.”  She talks often about the projects she works on and I started reading about the films she had in the festival and started checking out the trailers and the people who worked on those projects.  And holy crap was there some incredible talent at that festival!  I was introduced to the amazingness of H.P. Mendoza whose films “I Am A Ghost” and “Yes, We’re Open” both won him awards.  And then there is the rad musician Goh Nakamura who stars with Lynn Chen in “Surrogate Valentine.” Heads up, the song he wrote of the same name is absolutely beautiful.  

I am in awe of these awesome talents and it made me realize that while the Asian American community might not be represented enough in the top tiers of Hollywood, we are rockin’ the indie film scene in a major way.  And not only that, but we are also kicking ass online.  ”Uploaded: The Asian American Movement” is a documentary that I can’t wait to see talking all about “the visibility of Asian Americans in pop culture since the inception of new media such as YouTube.”

All in all, I am feeling incredibly encouraged about the future for minorities in Hollywood.  I think with each year that goes by there will be more leading roles played by people from diverse ethnic backgrounds, and more and more minority directors, writers, and producers will emerge with strong voices that traditional Hollywood will have to listen to because the scales will have tipped.  

We still have a long way to go, but I am pretty sure that 2012 is the year that we make some pretty big strides, and I am proud to be a part of that change.  Because, yes, I am Asian.  I am a minority. And well, to Hollywood, I am also ethnically ambiguous.

So, even with things slowly getting better and more ethnic diversity coming on to our screens, why the heck is it still taking so long for minorities to be properly represented?    I have my theories, but would love to hear yours.  Tweet me, email me, comment below.  

#xoxo hels

tweet me at: @helslevy

browse me at: helennasantoslevy.com

email me at: contacthelenna@gmail.com

#OpenLetter: I am ready for a change

Documenting so much of my life online via social media and this website has made manifesting things surreal. Literally, within minutes of thinking something and tweeting about it, someone, somewhere, always always always hears my call and arranges things for me. It freaks me out actually - but how else do you think I went 365 days without a home and living SOLELY on the kindness of social media?

I might not know a lot in life, but I know the art of intention is pretty powerful stuff.

Fact: I am done with dating. I am over over over it. My only problem with that statement though is the fact that I am still single. How can one be done with dating if they're still single? I don't exactly know the answer, but I am aware that I need to work smarter not harder.

Obviously after dating as much as I have the fact that I still haven't found someone is clearly a sign. I have spent almost 9 months working with a modern day shaman, and have changed the real time component of my dating life to attract different guys. I understand that being involved with an artist or public figure in any capacity is always asking for a lot - so I have done my best to lay the proper groundwork.

All this being said, I am ready for the next stage in my life and I am now going to manifest the person I am looking for.

You ready??

Here are the qualities I am looking for ... 

1) Awareness. I have to be with someone who is spiritually aware. You don't have to be religious, but you do need to understand that we create our own reality and we live in our own abundance. If you do not understand that fundamental principle I will save us both time and say we will not get along.

2) Passion. I had a date this week where I felt like I literally had to pull out of this guy what he wanted from life. He has a good job, but just does it to do it. When I asked what his passions were or what projects he was working on, he didn't have much. I can't deal with that. I hustle 24/7, and while I'm not looking for someone who hustles as hard, but I DEFINITELY want to find someone who is equally as passionate and as driven as I am. I don't stop because I can't stop and I won't stop. Please please please be passionate about WHATEVER it is in this world you want to do.

3) Intelligent. I can't handle dumb people. I want someone that challenges me and stimulates me intellectually. You don't need to be a member of MENSA but please just have common sense.

4) Loyal. I am Irish, and we are hands down some of the most loyal people you will ever meet. If I let you in my life it means something. Period end of sentence.

5) Family oriented. I love love love my family. It's my mom, dad, and brother vs the world. We're SUPER close and a package deal. I'm not saying everyone has to be besties with their blood family, but have someone somewhere that you care about. Lone rangers scare me.

6) Stable. I lead a pretty whackadoodle noodle lifestyle, but I'm not looking to date a whackadoodle noodle - I actually want someone very grounded and stable. I need to have my adventures, but I want you to be the core and the thing I always come home to.

7) Secure. Secure in every sense of the word. Spiritually grounded, financially sound (or as close as possible), and secure in who you are. By posting my life online I get a lot of emails from guys so understand that it is part of my gig and by no means anything to do with you. Let me deal with it, but understand that I am with YOU for a reason, so please don't be scared by the attention.

In exchange for what I am asking for I promise to be an active listener to your hopes and dreams, in addition to always calling you out on your bullshit (like you will do for me as well). I'm not exactly the most domestic person you will ever meet, but I promise to always make enough money to afford a house cleaner, and am also going to take cooking classes before the end of the year just so I can have a 101 on what to do. Dudes, I'm a REALLY good baker, btw! I've made some MEEAANNN cakes in my day.

I promise to keep doing my self work until my like energy attracts you, but just know that I am looking for you, and I am opening up my heart as much as possible to allow you into my life.

If you are reading this and think this may be you, please message me. I'm looking for you.

Here is my Facebook.

#thatisall

#Seriously: How amazing are fathers?

So my parental units just got back from another crazy awesome exotic vacation, and obviously in catching up on reading this site, my dad saw my post re: Romeo. 

I don't really talk to my dad about my dating since it's, well, not good. But here was his response ... I totally got misty ... 

Greatest. Dad. Ever. 

HAHA I love too that he sent this from his iPad. Well done, Daddio! 

#thatisall

#NerdsUnite: The secret life of a veterinary technician (Success Stories)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Lindsay. She and I met ... well, somewhere in the social space. I think we might have started talking through this site directly, then through facebook - maybe ... I'm not sure. But she's awesome. I talk to her on twitter almost every day, and she's really rad and TOTALLY a big huge animal lover. Like crazy huge!! In these series of posts she will be talking about her life and random adventures with sometimes more than two legged creatures. I guess there's only one more thing left to say ... HIT IT LINDSAY!!</editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @TheCraftafarian

It's always nice to be able to share a sad story that has had a happy ending. About two weeks ago one of our regular clients of the clinic brought a little 5 week old orange and white male kitten because he appeared to have an injured hind paw. (Side note: These people are AMAZING, they are the epitome of "good Samaritans." Although they aren't wealthy by any means they do absolutely everything they can to help the little stray kitties in their neighborhood. They have spent a lot over the last few years on their own cats and strays that eventually become theirs as well.) She reported that the day before the little guy was running around apparently normal. Then this morning she found  him in her yard limping. He was one of three kittens that suddenly showed up in their yard a few days prior. The mom was nowhere to be seen. Upon examination of his paw we discovered that he had a partial amputation of his leg by unknown trauma. Poor little boo. I assume many people would think euthanizing him would be in the best interest of their checkbook (he was a stray after all) and the kitten. My vet exchanges a look with me and before we could say anything the foster mom asks "What can we do to fix him?" The doctor and I both smile. We were all glad to give the little guy a fair shot at life. We named him Hercules.

After determining that we should amputate--rather than leaving a partial limb that he may hobble on and accumulate pressure sores/arthritis--we discussed with the foster mom and she gave us the go ahead. The concern was that he was 4-5 weeks old and less than 2lbs. He was 1.4 pounds to be exact. We weren't sure if we would be able to intubate him with an endotracheal tube that would administer oxygen and isofluorane anesthetic gas. The plan was if we could intubate him do a complete amputation of the limb at the hip joint. Since he was so young we knew he would do extremely well and likely not even realize he was missing anything. If he was too small we would clean up the wound and bandage it until he was big enough to do surgery. In the meantime we put him on some pain medication and antibiotics it was Saturday so we would do surgery Monday after making sure he was ok otherwise. Blood work was normal. Surgery day came around and the little tube we had fit perfectly! Proceed to surgery!

Since he was the youngest and smallest patient I have ever anesthetized I spent several hours the night before reading articles about neonatal/pediatric veterinary anesthesia, drug dosages, after care, special recovery instructions. There were a few things we had to do different. Usually you fast for about 12 hours prior to surgery but with so young and small patients you worry about their blood sugar (blood glucose) getting too low, we had to feed him about 4 hours prior to surgery and then fast. I read their heart rate is generally a good deal higher than older (but still young pets) under anesthesia. We had to stay on top of his temperature, they get so cold so quickly when they are so little. It was a very high anxiety hour for me but he did extremely well with no problems and the doctor did an amazing job on the surgery. I had one hand on his little chest for a lot of the procedure (under the drape) just making sure his little heart was beating (even though my monitors said so, you have to check manually!). He woke up a little freaked out but we all took turns cradling him in warmies (warm water bottle thingies) and towels. He finally fell asleep and once he fully woke up from anesthesia he was a happy camper. The next day his foster mom reported that he was attempting to RUN around the house on three legs and was chasing a ping pong ball as well as the other cats. 

The greatest news is that Hercules has found his forever home. He new mom and dad came by the clinic today to meet him and his foster parents. And of course it was love at first site and they took him home.

What a happy boy! Also he may have a new name, Roosevelt, with a Roo. I think that's cute, but I'm just glad that we found someone to love him.

#nerdsunite

<3 Lindsay
twitter: @thecraftafarian
blog: craftafarian.blogspot.com
email: craftafarian at gmail d c