#RealDeal: 3 different men left me alone at bars this weekend. Here's what happened when they walked away.

Jesus, I don't know how I'm standing right now. Last night was UNBELIEVABLY random. I had a date and then at 2 am I was totally arriving home from a strip club. 

I'm not even sure how to process it all, but let me just start from the beginning .... 

On Friday, in an effort to be more proactive with friendship cultivation, I met up with my buddy Javier to grab happy hour. 

Javier and I met two years ago at the premier of Extraordinary Measures. We were both waiting to talk to Harrison Ford actually, so he's not only one of my favorite people in general, we have a SUPER rad story on how we met. 

That was in January 2010, so while we dated super briefly there was NO way I was going to get involved with anyone so he and I just stayed good friends. 

Javier had just moved here at the time from Spain where he was fresh off the success of his latest film Tres Dias. Studios had then brought him over to work here in the states and flash forward to two years later, he's now been tapped to direct The Crow reboot. 

How freaking RAD is that??

I love love love this human being more than words can describe. He has this playful sparkle in his eye, and he's SUPER freaking smart and SUPER freaking creative. Not only did I get to obvi kick it with an old friend but with all of his success I wanted to sit down with him and ask what it all means. I knew no matter what he would keep it real, and I could get some answers. 

We then meet up in WeHo and the second he walked in the door I gave him the BIGGEST hug ever. 

Congratulations on everything, I said. 

Thank you, Jen Free-elle he said as we sat down. 

I always laugh at how he says my name. 

Spanish and latin men in general make me weak in the knees, but you add in the accent and whooooooieee. 

<---- Buttah!! 

Anywho, we briefly talked about the film and all of the fancy pants things he needs to know about his social presence in relation to the flick. (Click here to follow him on Twitter. He's big on the instagram as well.) 

What does it all mean, I asked candidly? 

Now you're super fancy pants big time director - what is different? 

The people around you, he said. You're not any different but when you're hot people are all over you ... then, nothing. The phone stops ringing and suddenly you're back to just being you. 

And what about dating? How do you balance it with work? 

I am only as good as the women in my life, he said. You have to find balance Free-elle. 

I smiled. 

I know for a fact that I am only as good of a writer as the things that I am inspired by. Dating no longer does it for me - at. all. 

I'm terribly bored, and want to switch over strictly to an educational role no longer sourcing my life for content but rather taking these experiences and helping others. 

I. am. over. it. I admitted. There's a life cycle to this kind of work. 

He then sat down next to me, putting his arm around me. 

You mentally have a boyfriend Free-elle. I can see it in your eyes. 

I laughed. Not really, I said. But for the first time in a very long time I know I am ready for one and I'm doing EVERYTHING in my power to lay the foundation for one to manifest. 

We chatted for a few hours, but by 7:30 the alarm went off on my phone and I had to jet off to a date. 

It's a comedy show, I admitted. They start PROMPTLY at 8. Do you mind if we finish talking later? 

Not a problem, he said giving me yet another big hug. 

I then literally RRRAANNNNNNNNN .7 miles in my Nike+ kicks to the improv to meet up with my date getting there with 10 minutes to spare. 

Now, again, I am not going to source my dating life for content, buuuuutttt I can say that after the show something really funny happened. 

My date left his card at the bar, so he left me for a moment while he went to retrieve it. 

I then vaguely overhear two men talking about the difference between Buddhism and Christianity. 

Having studied Buddhism now for over a decade (and being raised Catholic) I got SUPPPERRRR excited. 

I interject ... 

Excuse me, are you guys discussing Buddhism? 

They both turn and look at me. 

Yes, one guy said. 

I became enlightened last Tuesday. 

I stare back at him. 

He's dead serious. 

Wait, you what?! 

Yes. I am enlightened now. 

He then hands me a card. 

I'm a healer, he said. 

Now, I have my own shaman, and I've come across COUNTLESS healers in my life - this dude, had some SERIOUSLY foul energy. 

How can one ever truly be enlightened, I asked? What was the difference between Monday and Tuesday? I'm confused. 

He then furrows his brows flashing me a micro-expression in anger. 

HA! I pissed him off I thought. 

How do you know about this stuff, he asked? Have you ever chanted?? 

My date then returns. 

Can I get your number? he asked in front of my date. 

No, I say. I don't give out my number. 

Give me your email, he pressed. 

I looked up at my date flashing the "I'm really sorry I got myself into this" eyes and I put my email addy in his phone. 

We then leave. 

Sorry about that, I say. 

I leave you for 15 seconds, he said, and I come back and you're discussing CHANTING at the bar? 

Yep, it happens. 

I then went to bed kinda early and woke up Saturday in SWEELLLTTTTTEEEERRRINNNNNGGG heat. I hate hate hate this time of year in LA. It's close to 100 degrees and I don't have AC in my place. 

I then started to write, and got a call from a friend asking to come to Venice. 

You don't have to twist my arm, I said. I'm DYING over here. 

I then cancelled a date I had for that evening (something I NEVER do) and went to talk to my friend and watch some college football. 

We kicked it over at the Whaler and when I got there, he had a drink waiting for me. 

HELLOOOOO, I say with a big hug. 

Sigh.

We then talked about life, love, and caught up on everything that resonates in awesome. 

Do you mind if I check the score, he asked? 

Not at all, I said. 

He then turned around and LITERALLY 5 seconds later one of the guys that worked there approached me. 

I just want you to know that you're really beautiful. 

Aw, thank you, I said. 

He then lingered until my friend came back asking me a series of questions. 

My buddy's not gone for FIVE SECONDS and already a dude is ready to pounce. Men, are predators, man!!! 

I say nothing to him when he returns but as we are leaving my buddy walked in front of me and the guy grabbed my arm. 

Bye, he says with a smile. 

I graciously smile back, but clearly make it known that I wasn't interested. 

This, btw, is how you can tell the character of a woman. My buddy was OBLIVIOUS to the fact that that interaction happened, and I made SURE of it.

If you leave a woman solo at a bar as a dude, she's ABSOLUTELY going to get hit on. period end of sentence. That's a constant. Her reaction to it though is a representation of who she is. Does she rub it in your face? Does she freak out? How composed does she remain? 

All of it is very telling. 

I then spent the night in Venice and woke up the next morning jazzed and excited to take pictures. 

I LOOOVVVEEEE photography. 

Here were some of my fav finds ... 

I freaking LOVE Venice, btw. If I could afford it I'd live there in a HEARTBEAT. There's something so special about the community. It's family oriented, but hippie ... and posh ... but dirty ... it's a culture built on juxtapositions and it makes. my. life.

I then decided to bury myself in the sand and ponder the meaning of life. 

I don't know what all of this means, but I know I need to keep following my bliss and following my inspiration. 

This website gave me a voice, but now the voice is changing and I have to adjust accordingly. 

I won't allow myself to be unhappy anymore, I thought, and I won't allow myself to remain so distant from everyone. Life is about expression and love. I've got the expression part down pretty well, but to continue to be inspired I have to follow my bliss and right now it is SHOOOUUTTTTTIIINNNNGGG at me to settle down. 

I then stared out at a group of kids playing by the water. 

Children are SO FREAKING GREAT, man. I can't wait to start popping babies out of my belly but to get there, I have to first get in a relationship. One bite of the elephant at a time, I kept thinking. 

Either way, I then hit up some dudes on twitter asking if they wanted to kick it, but unfortunately two of them weren't able to make it out. 

Rather than just go home I figured why not still go over to Sidewalk Cafe myself and enjoy their AWESOME Strawberry Lemonade. (For reals, it will absolutely absolutely absolutely make your life.) 

I then walk in, and grab a seat at the bar. 

The bar at this point was SUPPPEERRR packed. There were a few football games on.

Who are you rooting for, said the guy next to me? 

All of them, I say with a smile.

I genuinely just like to stare at shiny things. Games make me happy because there's always something going on.

Who are you rooting for? I ask

He lowers his hat reading Seahawks.

Are you from Seattle, I ask?

Yeah, he said.

That's awesome! I went there last year and had SOOO much fun.

We then chatted for a bit and I asked him what he did for a living.

I'm a firefighter, he admitted.

Holy shit, I said. That's GREAT!!! I never come across firefighters.

How long have you been doing it?

10 years, he said. I was in the military before that.

Wow, I said. Between the military and literally saving lives every day - what do you think it all means?

He stares back at me ... blankly.

What do you mean, what does it mean?

Literally. What do you think the meaning of life is?

He then sits back, drunkenly.

Well, ah, I, uh ...

LET'S GET A SHOT, he shouted in my ear.

You buying? he asked.

Sure, I said. I'll buy you a shot but in exchange you have to tell me what you think the meaning of life is.

Deal, he said.

We then take a shot of vodka (NAAASSSTTTYYYY) and as he slams down the shot glass he says, treat others the way you want to be treated. 

Fair enough, I said. Thank you. 

What do you do, he asked. 

(I love BTW that this came up only after I asked him about the meaning of life. Way to just get right in there, Friel.) 

I run a website, I said. 

What's it called? 

Talk Nerdy To Me, Lover. 

He almost spits out his beer. 

That's a great name, he said even more drunkenly. 

Thank you, I said. 

What do you do on there? 

Crashed the Grammys to meet Pete Cashmore, danced on stage with Prince, 103 dates in 9 months blah blah blah. 

There's no way you went out on 103 dates in 9 months, he said. 

I show him my twitter bio. 

Wow, okay then, he says grabbing my leg. 

I stare down. 

You're touching me, I think. 

You've got great tits, he said. 

Uh, thank you, I say. 

<tangent> Imagine the loudest and MOST obnoxious guy you have ever seen at the bar. Do you have him pictured? Alrite now times that by 5 and you have HALF of the level that this guy was at. </tangent>

LET'S GET A SHOT, he screamed again. 

I'm good for right now, thank you. I haven't eaten yet, and I don't want to get silly. 

Here, let me get you some food. 

BARTENDER, he screams. GET HER WHAT SHE WANTS. 

I start laughing, this guy is nuts. 

I keep looking up at the screen watching the game as to not show too much interest. 

How many of the guys did you sleep with? 

There were 103 dates, 11 second dates, 6 guys I slept with, 4 I wanted more from. All 4 were emotionally unavailable so I have now spent the last year working with a modern day shaman exploring my own emotional unavailability. 

Wait, you slept with 6 guys? 

Out of 103, yes. 

I'd like to crunch your numbers, he drunkenly whispered in my ear. 

I don't even know what that means, I snap back. 

My food then arrives ... chicken nachos. 

Where did these come from, he asked? 

Uh, you just ordered them, I say. 

LET'S GET A SHOT!! he screams in my ear. 

Buy me a shot, he demands. 

Dude, you're already pretty toasty. (At this point we had been there for about an hour.) I had a shot, I feel fine, but I can't keep this up. 

What is this food doing here? he asks again 

You just ordered it, I reaffirm. 

He continues to drink. 

I continue to sip my lemonade as I watched the game. 

Let's get out of here, he says after about an hour. 

I can't, I say pointing to the screen. There's still 6 minutes left. 

Yeah, but we WONNNNNNN he screamed. Let's go watch another game, I'll buy you dinner. 

I smile saying thank you, I have the nachos. 

These are my nachos, he said. 

I WANT A BOX, he shouts. 

I then raise my hands in the air as if I was surrendering. 

Dude, all yours, I say. 

LETS GO, he screamed. 
My favorite 30 Rock quote then zapped through my head, "never go with a hippie to a second location." 

This guy was SHIT-TASTICALLY wasted. Like I genuinely don't know how he was still standing wasted. 

Venice may be a happy hippie little community but even sitting there I felt unsafe. The dude was an uber creeper and very ... grabby. 

I excuse myself to use the restroom. 

I'M GOING TO STARE AT YOUR ASS AS YOU WALK AWAY, he screams. 

Is this really happening, I wonder? 

I then dodged out the side door and RAAANNNNNNNNNNN down Venice to catch the city bus. 

I laughed thinking what an interesting series of bar dynamics I have had this weekend. Men. Are. Nuts!!! 

On the bus ride back I popped on OKC to answer some emails. I genuinely haven't been paying as much attention to it, but I don't want people thinking I'm a bitch for not replying so I make a concerted effort to stay on top of everything. 

I see an email from a guy I had been meaning to meet up with ... 

We then agreed to meet up in WeHo, and after a SUPPPEERRRR fast shower - I jetted over to meet him. 

Hi, I say as I see my date sitting at the bar. 

We then grab a seat and start talking. 

Immediately I notice how present this guy was - it's a powerful thing having someone's undivided attention. 

We then go back and forth on life and love. I find out he's not only Buddhist but also got hit in the head with a brick. 

SHUTTHEFRONTDOOR, I screamed. That's nuts!! 

I then look over to my right and see a familiar face. 

Living in LA for almost 9 years I see a lot of familiar faces, but this one ... this one I knew. 

Is she on a reality TV show, I wondered? I can't BEGIN to tell you how many times I've walked up to someone asking where I knew them from and come to find out they were on some MTV show. 

My brain continues to scan ... 

HOLY SHIT!!! 

She then sits down next to us. 

I have to tell you something, I say with a loud whisper. 

See the girl behind us? 

Yeah, he said turning around. 

Back in 2007 I dated Viper from Full House. (I actually stalked him on Myspace first, but we dated a handful of times.) 

I don't remember who friended whom on Facebook, but either way our digitalness then transferred over and within a few weeks of us no longer dating he actually changed his relationship status to being with this girl.

Obvi, being a creeper, I scoped out her page. 

She's younger than me so we're not in the same circles, but I laauugghhhhheeeedddddd as she sat down. I don't think she has ANY idea who I am, but how high-lariously small is this world that that just happened. 

We then continued our date over to a super fancy pants dinner, and by 11 he said he wanted to take me somewhere. 

Where? I asked. 

Have you ever heard of Jumbos? he said. 

What's Jumbos? I said. 

YOU'VE NEVER BEEN TO JUMBOS? he said super excited. 

I've literally never even heard of it, I said. 

Almost NINE years I've lived in LA. I didn't realize how scary of a place it must be if I genuinely hadn't heard of it. 

We drive over to east Hollywood and arrive at Jumbos. I see girls in stripper shoes standing outside. 

Oh. dear. god. I think. 

We then go inside, and my date hands me a series of singles. 

This is genuinely where things got a little weird. 

In the past, I've never been mad at strip clubs - fuck I WORKED at one, but again, I'm turning a new leaf. I haven't even watched porn in god knows how long. I'm ALLLLLL about connection and intimacy right now. 

I then sat down by the stage watching the girls dance in their bikinis. 

All of the girls technically speaking were CRAZY AMAZING dancers, but there was this tremendous sadness in their eyes. Two of the girls in particular were def on something - but the entire situation made me terribly sad.

This isn't life. This is more of the shiny things that I know I don't want. 

My date even asked if I wanted to go at one point, but I figured things had gone this far, might as well just ride it out. 

A few more dancers came and went, and then it was finally time for us to go. 

On the way out though I spotted ANOTHER familiar face.

Holy shit!! Is that so and so? 

Yeah, my date said looking up. 

HA!! 

Not wanting to blow up his spot I will just leave this video riigghhhtttt here. And should YOU be able to connect the dots that's all on you. 

I'm actually a really big fan, btw. I have a playlist for them on spotify. 

I then got dropped off back at the house, and my date ended with just a hug. 

I don't want to do this anymore, I said. I need to date older men. I can't handle the series of shiny things I'm ready to settle down and I'm ready for more. 

Stupid self growth and stupid feelings. How dare me actually want to care about someone?? 

#fml

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#NerdsUnite: The Ramblings of a Raconteuse (Fiona Apple)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Helenna. We met on twitter not too long ao, and she's totes mcgotes one rad chiquita banana with a flare for all things flair! That's right, Helenna here is what we call an artsy fartsy nerd. She's a poet, into all things dramatic arts, and she's going to come on board to write each week about her love of said drama. Well not like actual drama drama, like some cat fight shit - but you get the idea. I only have one thing left to say ... HIT IT HELENNA!!! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @Helslevy

I’ve always had a glorious love affair with Fiona Apple.

While all music has the incredible ability to transform us and transport us, there is something very specific about Fiona Apple’s artistry that has always had me in knots more than any other singer.

I started listening to her music when she released her first album “Tidal” in 1996.  One of my best friends and I would sit in class and listen to the album on our CD players while we were writing poetry. This introduction to her songwriting came at a time when my days were filled with young teen angst, and wishing for ways to transform me and my life.  Every single one of her songs seemed to speak directly to me, and cut right through me like she’s the “hot knife…[and I'm] a pad of butter.” 

My husband Barry and I went to her concert on Friday night at the Greek Theatre in LA, and there’s nothing like experiencing her powerful ability to rock you to your core, than being in a stadium full of people who are feeling similar emotions.  If you can believe it, her vocals were even more filled with pain and grieving than on her albums, and she takes you on that journey with her.  Each song feels like a chapter in a child’s tantrum filled twisted fairy tale, making you feel all at once weighed down with sorrowful nostalgia, and yet still completely filled with wide eyed hope.

If you aren’t familiar with her music, I encourage you to grab a glass of wine, throw on one of her four albums, and get prepared to be transported.  Some songs might take you a bit to get into, but once they have you, you’re hooked.

I wrote this poem awhile back, and while it’s about all artists in general and not just Fiona Apple, it definitely tells a lot about how powerful I think she is:

The Artists – by Helenna Santos-Levy

Jim Morrison once said,
“We could plan a murder, or start a religion.”
  
Our volatile, volatile minds.
  
Volcanic activity erupting under the surface.
White-ashed shadows
mixing the meaning of black and white,
like stone cold monuments
shielding the dark from the sun.
  
But we are also doves of anarchy,
and clowns of shifting perception.
We see the other side, the eclipse,
the paralleled paradox of now,
and show it to the masses, the soldiers, the they.
  
Because, “I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together.”
The creators, the lovers, the dreamers, the perceivers, 

the eyes.

Fiona Apple lives in Venice, CA, and I’ll never be able to forget this story my friend told…

One fall afternoon a number of years ago there was a massive torrential down pour, thunder happening all around.  For some reason instead of staying inside, he decided to go for a run in the storm.  He ran down to the beach. There was absolutely no one in sight.  He started walking down the end of the Venice pier and there was a woman standing at the end of it screaming into the wind.  That woman, of course, was Fiona Apple.

That story has always made the “feels too much” teenager in me happy, because that’s the exact same thing I used to do.  Ah, kindred spirits we artists are. Kindred Spirits.

#xoxo hels

tweet me at: @helslevy

browse me at: helennasantoslevy.com

email me at: contacthelenna@gmail.com

#RealDeal: Happiness is a choice, not a destination

Whats up nerderinos, 

I'm back in LA and WOW did it feel great to sleep in my own bed again. The trip to TCDisrupt not only gave me an ENORMOUS amount of perspective, but an ENORMOUS amount of business. 

Holy crap!! I've never been in a room with so many decision makers. They were scouting something FIERCE at the conference. 

Either way, I meditated for 8 hours yesterday on the bus ride back and I think I've started to find some answers. 

So, as you all know, I'm not the happiest camper right now. I've spent the last (almost) 3 years TIRELESSLY hustling this brand and now I'm at the place that I always wanted to be and I've discovered it's still not making me happy. I just kept thinking but if I only got here ... or if I onlllllyyyy made it ... THERE things would feel different and I would finally be happier. 

I then got there, and literally had one of the hollowest weekends of my life.

It's all just a series of shiny things, man. To feel TRULY fulfilled I need to develop more intimate relationships. 

This is the first time in 27 years btw that I have EVER focused on my personal life. I started typing at 2 and had my first little computer consulting company before I hit double digits. I never understood people, but I focused my efforts on what I was good at (school/ tech/ entertainment). 

I'm now at a point professionally where I've hit a point that I've always wanted to; I don't have to hustle as hard anymore, more leads come in for new business than go out, and I'm genuinely very fulfilled. I barely even talk about the site now when I meet new people. (But 9/10 times if I'm at a bar in LA someone will ABSOLUTELY know the site and then start grilling me with 100 questions.) It's a TOTAL freaking blessing, but I'm still not there. 

I don't know where the "there" is, but I know it's not where I am right now. 

I then thought about what I wanted to do next with my life. 

Obvi, I have a lot of work still on this brand, but I'm a big picture thinker and this brand will ALWAYS stay fresh and edgy even as I enter into my twilight years. 

I've been EXTREMELY blessed with a series of offers, but what is in my soul is writing, producing, and hosting. Because I grew up reading text on screens I can read from a teleprompter like it. is. mah. job. and I genuinely need to write and create for my soul. 

I'm blessed that I have three offers for various hosting gigs and of the three one should def stick, so that'll be cool. 

Branding wise too, I also came up with TNTML's older sister. It's going to take the same honest, dry, witty, deeply sarcastic experiences into the next stages of life. I'm pretty stoked, but obviously that is something that is a few years away - at least. 

As far as the here and the now, (because after all happiness is a choice not a destination) I decided to grab this weekend by the balls and build out some of my friendships. 

Tonight, I am having a happy hour with LEGIT one of my favorite people on the planet, Javier. He's actually directing the new Crow remake as well, so I can check off favorite old friend AND super successful person I can grill on real shit. 

THENNNNNN, I have a few dates this weekend. One is tonight, and the other is with a 71 year old tomorrow. True story. He actually doesn't look a day over 65 - he's SUPER freaking buff. Holy crap!! I'm excited to talk real with him too about what really matters in life. 

I'm settling down, man. I need to build out the other lifecasters that are going to come on board, and I need to see this business get up and running. For me to feel fulfilled I can't just keep sourcing everyone. I'm over it. I'm over it. I'm over it. 

ANNNNDDD for my connection to bliss this weekend, I am going to spend the next 15 minutes dancing around the apartment to Good Vibrations, followed by playing with puppies. 

Every decision in life should be rooted in two choices: feels good/ doesn't feel good. If it feels good it is your responsibility to keep going, and if it doesn't feel good - you need to stop. 

Good Vibrations is the most ridiculous song ever, and PUPPIES ARE AMAZING!!! They're such a reminder of love!!! AAHHH!! I can't wait to squeeze the little goobers!!! 

For the first time in 27 years, I might not know what my next life path is, but today, I truly know I am on it. 

Rock on, nerderinos!!! Onward and upward!!! 

HIT IT MARKY MARK!!! 

Oh yeah and one more thing ... 

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#thatisall

Words of Wisdom with @Jesus_M_Christ

#WTF: About the #TCDisrupt can I get a rundown? (PG-13 3some, crashing parties via twitter PT. 2)

Click here for part 1

Alrite, ready for part two? This has hands down been one of the wildest weeks of my life, btw. 

So, I then met up with a group of my friends and somewhere around 2 am we all rolled back to Stuart's house where we all passed out. 

I woke up the next morning, and had a series of meetings. One was with a new start up and then the other was with TNTML's senior advisor, El Senor Ben Parr. 

We discussed strategy and all the next steps for the brand. 

You need press, he said. Mainstream. 

I know, I know, I said. 

Hiring a publicist seems kinda lame, but how do people end up on Ellen or the Today Show? What are those next doable actions? 

I then thought about my options while looking at the media line. (Zuckerberg spoke on Tuesday, so it was a PACKED house.) 

Wait, fuck "looking for press" - the press is right here. Why not just go and talk to them? 

I then walked over to a CNN reporter. 

Excuse me, I say confidently walking up - would you like to hear a story about a bootstrapped entrepreneur? 

No, he said. Completely cold. 

Hi, I'm Jen Friel ... I then briefly went into my story. 

He smiles humoring me, but then cuts me off saying, listen - I'm just here to cover Zuckerberg. 

No problemo, I said back walking away. 

You crashed and burned Friel, but hey no harm no foul. 

I then saw dishes coming out of the kitchen indicating lunch was about to be served. Having just waited in the longest line ever yesterday, I decided it was good to just get there and be one of the first in line. 

I started chatting with a friend and moments later a guy comes up to us. 

What's your story, he asks? 

I run Talk Nerdy To Me, Lover - I say. Nerds, sex and tech. 

I want to interview you, he says excited. 

I had no idea who the guy was, but turns out he runs a big media outlet. 

Talk about the universe manifesting, I said to my friend. That was pretty freaking fast. 

One interview then turned into two and I laughed at the hilariousness of life. 

Everything is always in front of us. Our only job in life is to be aware and as conscious as possible. 

I then saw Mr. Facebook himself speak, and it was pretty crazy. People were LITERALLY hanging from rafters trying to get a view of the boy wonder.

I gotta admit, I give the kid a lot of credit. He's DEFINITELY had public speaking lessons. He has this energy to him, I can't describe it. He's also VERY charismatic in his awkwardly dorky way. 

On the way out of the lecture I bumped into my very dear friend Amanda and after not seeing each other for a week or so, we caught up on everything in our dating lives. 

I'm in love, I admitted to her. I've genuinely never felt more uncomfortable in my entire life. Everything was so much easier when I was more cold and distant from guys. I'm TERRIFIED at the idea of opening myself up to someone but it's ... visceral. I can't not!! 

I continued blabbing ... 

I don't even want anything from him, nor do I honestly even have a single expectation. I just know that one, I don't want to write about him anymore, and two, I would literally kill for him. He brings out my lioness. 

Wow, she said. I've never heard you say that about someone. 

I know, I said. It's driving me fucking nuts. I don't know who I am anymore. I'm identified so greatly as being a serial dater. I haven't even had sex in two freaking months. TWO MONTHS and I'm genuinely not even jonesing. 

<tangent> I'm a ferociously decisive person. As you can see with this brand, when I've set my mind on something - I literally do not let it go. I like what I like and I have NO problem going after it. This one is quite special, and I know this doesn't come along very often. </tangent>

We then parted and I headed back to the house to take a shower and meet up with Stuart. 

You ready to put your party pants on? I asked. 

Stuart then pulls out a clown nose putting it on ... 

I was born ready, he said. 

<tangent> Stuart and I are trouble together. We literally have the same SUPER open personalities, and are both COMPLETELY shameless, and filter free. 

It's trouble man. I'm so so so glad we have half of a state between us. </tangent> 

We then headed over to the Zynga party which had an open bar and THIS SUPER COOL WALL!!! 

Oh how I heart the shiny things.

Either way, we then scoped out the crowd and Stuart spotted a chickadee that he was interested in. 

She's talking with a guy, he said. Maybe they're together. 

You know that people think we're together, right? You never know someone's story, so at least test the waters before you try writing it. 

I'm a GREAT freaking wing girl, btw. This. shit. is. my. jam. 

Stuart then approaches and come to find out, shocker, shocker, they weren't together!! 

We then all start talking and the conversation flows pretty naturally. 

Ready to go, she asked? 

Sure, we say. I heard a rumor of a Google Ventures party over at Rickhouse - we can head there. 

I'll drive, she said. 

HA! I think laughing. Not only did we just successfully pick this chick up, but she's rad enough to actually give us a ride to the bar. 

She then stopped for a cigarette and while we were outside Stuart shot me a look. I didn't know what she had said, but his eyes were giving off a vibe that he wasn't feeling it. 

We then get to her car. 

I don't know about this one, he said. She seems kinda nuts. 

I smile, climbing in the backseat. Be careful what you wish for. =) 

The woman was SUPER beautiful, like crazy gorgeous but clearly going through some pent up anger issues as everything that came out of her mouth was either negative or just straight nasty. 

Do you mind if we stop off at my place to grab something, first? 

Sure, she said. 

As Stuart got out of the car, I then struck up a conversation with the girl. 

What's your relationship status? 

Oh, I just broke up with someone. 

How long ago? I ask. 

A few weeks. 

SUH-WEET! I think, rebound!! Go Stuart go!!! 

Stuart then comes back to the car, and hands the woman a Peter Pan hat. 

Here you go, he says putting on his clown nose, and me wearing my spirithood. 

Now we're good to go. 

I laugh hysterically tweeting out that here we are 30 minutes into our new friendship and this poor girl is now wearing a Peter Pan hat and driving us to the bar. 

High-larious. 

BTW, costumes are mandatory for all random adventures, ESPECIALLY at conferences where everyone is super up their own butts. Your awesome may be organic in life, but people do genuinely need to be reminded to have more fun at LEAST once a day. 

We then arrive at the Google Ventures party and because of our lack of planning we decide to just crash it. 

I told Stuart what I was able to do the night before, and said with the TWO of our audiences we are totally getting in. 

Dude, we've got this on lock, I promise. 

We then walk up to the door about 10 minutes into the party. 

Hi, I say confidently. Jen Friel. I display my twitter bio on the screen. 

She looks down, then looks back at her sheet. 

I'm sorry but you're not on the list. 

Can you please check again, I press. 

She does saying, I'm sorry but we had to cut some people as we are going to hit capacity. 

I then laugh as Stuart tries his name, and his bio. 

Nope she says pushing us both aside. 

A guy then approaches Stuart. 

I love your book, man. You're really great! 

Thank you, says Stuart. 

People then walk in from behind us. 

Everyone is adding people to the list. We are still standing there. 

We then walk to the side as Stuart begins texting people. 

Stuart, btw, is the KINNNNGGGGG of San Francisco. The dude knows literally everyone. 

I got someone we can call, he says as he texts his buddy. 

I know the owner of this place, he can walk us in. Let's go across the street though and keep drinking. 

We then head over to the other bar, and as Stuart goes and gets drinks the new girl and I begin talking. 

I just don't feel pretty she lamented. 

Now, this chickadee had literally no self confidence. Between her recent breakup and job choice (she was a model) everything that she had been validated from was all external. 

I used to be in that same space!! When I was modeling LITERALLY no one would approach you at the bar, no guys would ever say ANYTHING to you EVER out of fear that you are "out of their league." Furthermore, you are sexually harassed LITERALLY every day and while it does make you a stronger person, in your early 20s (which this girl was) you're doomed!! You can't not be fucked looking this attractive and trying to figure out the world.

I just want you to know, I said sincerely, you are really beautiful. You are never going to see that though until you decide to. Men will only treat you exactly how you are projecting to be treated.  

Do me a favor. Let's not be you for an evening. You're in a ridiculous hat, at a party with people you don't know - give me a name. 

You pick the name, she said.

This isn't the point!!! YOU need to pick it. What's your favorite name in the whole wide world? 

Nadia, she said. 

Perfect, Nadia works. 

What does "Nadia" do? 

She works in marketing. 

Great, new media? 

Sure, she said. 

Alrite, but don't talk to anyone at this party about new media. You're not familiar with it and the majority of people here are so they will call you out on it. 

If anyone asks tell them that you've been discussing work all day, and would love to just turn that work mode off. Got it? 

Yes, she said with the only genuine smile I had seen all evening. 

Moments later, the owner then meets us at the bar and tells us to wait in the alley. I'll bring you around the side, he said. 

The red wolf, Peter Pan, and clown nose then cross the street and go into the alley. 

At this point, we had two more friends meet us so we had in total 4 girls and Stuart. (lucky dude) 

The side door is then opened and we enter through the kitchen and into the party. 

Well, done! I thought. Stuart really is the king of SF!!! Look at that!! 

We then grabbed another drink but "Nadia" was clearly already a little out of it. 

She kept going on her phone, and she genuinely wasn't even pretending to be interested when guys were talking to her. 

At this point, I was FULLY in party mode, so I wasn't going to take it. 

I tried, I genuinely genuinely did. I have nothing against the girl, but if you're not going to go along with something I'm just not interested. 

The girl left about a half hour later, and Stuart and I mingled around the party. 

Moments later, a guy approaches me saying he wants to show me something. 

Are you a magician? I ask. 

Yes, he said. 

I'm going to stop you right now I say placing my hands on his coins. I know your deal, I dated one of you and I'm genuinely not interested. 

Oh, but I was hired by the party. 

I'm sure you were. RIIIGGHHHHHTTTTTTT. 

I fucking HATE magicians now. I see through all their little tricks and they're really squirrley little rats.

The night drew on, and this was ABSOLUTELY the party to be at. Dudes, I've never been at a conference with SO many direct investors and decision makers. It was gnarly. 

We then literally closed the bar down and somewhere around 2 am me, Stuart, and one of the girls got into the cab. 

Now, I'm genuinely not sure how this started but as we were sitting in the car, the girl puts her hand on my leg. I'm at this point quite sloshed so I don't think I paid any attention at first. 

We then get back to Stuarts place and I head to bed. 

I don't know who made the first move but as I sat down on the bed, the girl sits down next to me. 

Now, this woman is STUNNING. The girl we picked up at the bar was commercially speaking stunning but she had such a rod up her fanny. This chick was not only BEAUTIFUL with the nicest rack ever, but she was really rad and totally fun. 

She starts kissing me. 

Holy shit, I think. This is happening. 
I begin making out with her like the world was ending. 

Women, btw, are WAY better kissers then men. I'm neither here nor there on them sexually, but they are a delightful appetizer in the makeout department pre-foreplay. 

Because they were genuinely in my face, I then go to town on her hoo-has and we both fall back onto the bed. 

THENNNNNNNNN ... 

We both fell asleep. 

Yep. HAHA. I was fucking tired man and again, I'm looking for more in my life and looking to be in a relationship. I can't be doing things like this and manifest the kind of energy I am looking for. 

I woke up about 5 hours later, and IMMEDIATELY thought "oh shit!! that just happened." 

The thought barely left my head before I see the girl pop up from bed and climb back in. 

Good morning! She said bright eyed and bushy tailed. 

I BUURRRSSSTTTT out laughing thinking to myself, wow, all three of us fit EXTREMELY comfortably on this bed. I genuinely had no idea I was even sleeping next to two other people.

The girl then left a few hours later but we swapped numbers to kick it again. 

At 10 am, while I'm writing, Stuart gets a text. 

Yo! Want to go to a dance party at noon? 

WHAT?! I squeal. 

Yeah, there's a dance party that my buddy throws once a month. It's only from 12 - 2 though. 

People rave during their lunch breaks? Are you insane?? 

Yeah, he said. It's San Francisco. 

Now, Wednesday was my day of meetings. I had lunch at twitter and then an afternoon of saying howdy to some start ups. 

It's right by twitter actually, he said. 

BINGO! That works. I can go for literally 15 minutes, but then I have to be there at 12:30. 

Not a problem. 

We then head over to the rave and I laughed thinking these. people. are. nuts!! 

It felt GREAT to do some oot scootin and boogie-ing, but it's freaking NOON!!! How is this place so PACKED!!!! 

12:15 came before I knew it and I bid Stuart a good bye and told him I'd text him later about the after parties. 

This has been a really wild 48 hours, I admitted. 

I KNOW, he said. You and me are trouble together. 

CLEARLY, I said. 

I then went to my meetings and headed back to the place to get some more writing done before heading out for the evening to my final party. 

I find out from new friends I had made the night before where the best one was, and again, using twitter, I was able to crash. 

2/3 not too shabby!!! 

I then started talking to some people that I genuinely admire. SO MANY people at that conference were people I freaking WORSHIPPED and to be able to talk to them so candidly was amazing. 

Dudes, anytime you can talk to UBERLY successful people and UBERLY old people - take it. (Remember when I talked to the guy on the beach when I was done fixing his watch? Same thing. People like this will give you the real deal.) 

What does it all mean, I asked this one guy who is LITERALLY the biggest name in his field. 

What do you mean by that? 

You work because you have this goal. Then you accomplish it, and then what? When does the feeling of fufillment enter into the picture? 

What did you want to do when you were 12, he asked? 

I wanted to be an entertainer. 

Are you an entertainer? 

Yes, I said. 

Then there you go. You are living your dream. What you need to understand though is that it takes shapes. 

Money won't fill that - nothing will. You need to just go with it and follow your inspiration. 

Follow my inspiration, I thought? 

Sounds so simple, but couldn't be more complicated. 

I thanked him profusely for his time as I pondered on the walk back what it all meant. 

What is my inspiration now? I get to travel, I'm professionally in the EXACT spot I've always wanted - but I'm terribly, terribly lonely. 

I then thought about my future. 

I can't break all of this down into one massive life change. I need to take my own advice and go back to doing things that ONLY feel good. It was a series of EXTREMELY small decisions that changed my life so if I am going to do it again, I need to know to listen to my gut and to follow my bliss again. 

I then went to bed and this morning boarded the Greyhound back to LA. Within 5 seconds of sitting down I began crying. 

I can't believe I can't stop crying. This person came into my life and reminded me what it was like to care about someone again and now suddenly I'm this wreck. Everything was so much easier when I wasn't focused on emotion, but I never realized how unhappy it made me and how unfufilling success really is - EVEN IF YOU BUILT IT WITH YOUR BARE HANDS!!! 

I need to not be afraid to let people close. Being burned may never be fun, but neither is being this lonely. 

#thatisall

Very very very special thanks to AndesBeat for the sponsorship.

AndesBeat is a cultural game-changer movement that fosters the 'very' early stage growth of startups in Latin America. Check 'em out over yonder!! 

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