#NerdsUnite: State of the Union
Thursday, February 24, 2011 at 11:31AM
Alrite, woke up to a bunch of emails and shiznat today that I want to address. I don't even know where to start, so I'm just going to sort of leap in the middle.
You all wanna know what's really been going down behind the scenes? I'll letcha in on a little secret - I am scared shitless.
There is a whole backstory right now, that I cannot post on - that is regarding the pilot. Ah yes, the pilot. That thing. It has shook me to my emotional core knowing that in a few months the rest of my life is about to change to something I have no frame of reference for. I get it, I asked for it - big whoop ... but it's one thing when you hustle something, and know it can be done, and then waking up to the reality of holy fuck, this is happening. It's head to toe shock. No other word for it - it's out of body meets ... let's just get this done.
It is draining. Very emotionally draining. Albeit, clearly exciting ... but a bit anti-climactic. We just got huge news on Sunday, and the way it was positioned was like "oh yeah so that's all good, and we're doing this this this and this. See you in a couple days." I sat there, and thought - wait, does that mean this? It totally took me a minute and a whole fuck ton of processing to even understand. These suits are in this biz all day everyday, I know it means nothing to them - but it takes me a bit to process all that it means to me on a personal and professional level. I'm a lifecaster - when my life changes, my work changes. I just want to do this because of what this project is going to mean to social TV. I fucking LOVE working on the app, and figuring out out how we can do x with y and have that equal z. Gets me off. HAHA! I'm so excited to share this with you all, you have no idea.
But at the very end of the day, I am 26, a seal swimming with sharks, and scared out of my mind.The one thing that keeps all of this a float, and keeps me focused however, is social media. Everyone in this space knows people; hence the social part of social media. Whenever I've needed something from someone (advice, food, water, clothing, shelter, headphones, car, help with a feature script), all I've had to do is send a tweet, drop an email, or pick up the phone. It circumvented the entire system, and just got to the people that it needed to get to - and got shit done ... very fast. I don't post on things to say, hahahaha I know all these people and you can nevveerrr havveeeee themmmmmm mwahhaahahah! Dude! ASK ME!!! If there's anything ANYONE ever needs, omg, I would be so happy to help them connect. THAT I LOVE. THAT I LIVE FOR! Rad, we've built this community - do you want an award or a breast to pin it on? I'm not interested in that - I just want to tell cool stories, and have adventures.
Those are still the same sheets I got last year from www.itsthesheets.com. I sleep on a couch, get woken to the sound of barking dogs, and random midnight snacking from housemates. BUT! I am here by choice because I am following my passion. I won't give up. I am eternally grateful that I have never had to sleep in a shelter. Only on Venice beach, which again, really wasn't that bad.I've spent the last year operating from a place of nothing to lose. Someone said to me recently that I wasn't really homeless ... it's like, are you FUCKING KIDDING ME?! Hold the phone, er twitter feed for a second. You can say a lot of shit to me ... dude, for reals, I can tolerate a lot, it's the internet, if you don't have a thick skin you'll die ... but saying I'm not "really" homeless is just a slap in my face, and complete bullshit. All of the people I have stayed with in the last year I have met because of this site, and because of bartering and work exchange. I never called a single friend, family member, I didn't ask for ANYONE to bail me out. I choose to do what I did, and I knew I could figure out a way out while still fulfilling my passion, or I was willing to die trying.
The day I became homeless was one of the best and worst days of my life. (Here's the actual post from that day) Best because I knew my life was going to change; and worst because I knew my life was going to change.
I remember packing up my old room, and intermittenly sobbing hysterically. I'm from Connecticut. We are bred to aspire to piss only excellence; there IS not other option. What was my family going to think? Friends? I felt so ashamed, I couldn't tell people, or could I, I thought? The actual moving out process took days - I couldn't bring myself to do it. I hadn't paid my roomie May's rent, and time was ticking on submiting my invoice to a client. The only problem was, this client was a big fucking client. I didn't want to invoice him because I saw more value in the day that he asked me why I didn't invoice him - I could tell him what I was doing without being "pitchy."
I had a choice, to submit the invoice that would have covered a couple months worth of rent, or follow my gut which was telling me to walk away from it all.
I honestly didn't even want clients anymore, all I wanted to do was work on this site - I had only kept this last one because writing his bio was literally the most bat shit thing I have ever read; I found it to be incredibly inspiring. Plus too, this man was an absolute revolutionary, getting to spend time with him and talk about how much social media is changing everything really put things in perspective for me. Dream bigger, I kept thinking, dream bigger. Life is about how you roll with the punches and attitude is everything. This isn't going to be easy, but if I get smart, and use my noggin, I can figure it out.
6 zebra crates, 1 frame, my grandmother's train case, and my LG external monitor. Everything else I owned, I donated. I was packing the last of my stuff into the Ford Fiesta (I was part of the Fiesta Movement, Ford gave 20 teams across 16 cities a car to travel around in and document their adventures in social media.), and I got a call from my friend. He said, he had some great news for me ... he had shown the site to @kaleycuoco and not only had she heard of it (I had set up the search engine optimization in the early days specifically targeting that show, so that if the online reputation manager was looking for blogs talking about them, they would find us.), but she loves it and he was going to see if he could get the whole cast shirts.
I broke down.
I was holding this little zebra crate, and I fell to my knees hysterical. My friend who is one of the toughest dudes on this PLANET, like true blue NY Italian - he even told me to stop, because I was making him cry. I knew in that very moment, on that day, I was doing something - I just had no idea what. I could get to people that I wanted to with this site, I just had to find out what my message was.
I find such beauty in exposing human emotion in raw form even though half the time, my loaner self wants to crawl back into my shell.I don't post a lot on how scared or sorry I feel because I don't want people to EVER feel sorry for me. Like ever, at all, never, can't stand the feeling - eck. I spent 24 years perpetuating the victim's mentality. All I ever had was people feeling sorry for me, because I was perceived as being this "survivor." I wasn't a survivor, I was a chick that was in a really really negative space without knowing it, and drew some really absurd situations to herself as a result from it. I now get to live every day doing what I love. Some days are certainly easier than others, but no matter what, I'm not sorry, so you shouldn't be either. I chose this life. If I told everyone exactly how scared I was especially back when I first started, it would have changed things. I chose with direct and deliberate intent to focus on the positive. Not for you all, but for myself. I was sure it could be found even in the "worst case scenarios," I just needed to shift my consciousness. When I was waking up in my car the first few weeks, I still woke up EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. so stoked to be alive. That part, was no joke. I got to keep posting on this site, and talking about things that I enjoyed. That made me INCREDIBLY happy.
That shift in consciousness is, of course, a continuous work in progress. But by throwing myself in this constant state of uncomfort and in this constant state of unknown, I am learning a lot of things a lot faster. Living with so many different personalities alone in the last year has been incredibly beneficial in understanding tolerance. Trips me out.
My next task is to understand how to shift things into something new. We're in the middle of a growing pain. I don't have the answer for that, but I am still aware that right now, I can still take risks - which I won't stop doing. I am navigating in this space as much as you all are - the only difference is, is that I am broadcasting what I am doing. For me, it provides a sense of liberation being so transparent and so honest, because even if I didn't get something that I wanted from a given scenario, by broadcasting it and declaring to the universe that I wanted it - someone, somewhere has been able to help out. The downfall to that is that sometimes I post things that I didn't mean to come out that way, but it's again something I am working on, and something I am making a commitment to change.
I don't believe in being preachy. I use social media, and these are my adventures in using it. Everything that is done on this site is done first hand; social media experts are super fucking lame IMHO. It is in my hopes that by saying this is how I was able to execute x goal, it can inspire someone to do something with it. So far, a bunch of you have actually been inspired to do some cool shit. I kid you not, that it makes my LIFE to hear that. I didn't start this site for other people, I only started it to figure shit out for myself. However, the quote from Man in the Mirror always stuck in my head, that "you have to be the change you want to see." I've ALLLWWAAYYYYSSSSSSSSSSSS wanted to change the world. Always. Always. Always. Not even world domination, since I strive to follow the path of least resistance, and go with the flow. I just wanted to tell people that yes, no matter what your set of circumstances are - you can change. (That message of course was also a sounding board for myself, as I was eating my own words over and over.) If you start using social media, you can even get all these BIG BIG BIG companies to sponsor your change, and keep you a float. The journey is the destination, so you all want to know where all of this is headed, and I still do not have an answer. I only have a goal - I want to inspire people to use social media through education and relating first hand experiences.
Dude, yesterday - I was hanging out with this rad dude Vance, and I was showing him this social media bible I wrote for the pilot, and I asked him, the non-techie, non-social media southern boy that he is, to read it to see if he understood it. Parts of it he didn't get - but then when I took out my phone and showed him exactly what it all meant, he got it! And dude! Even tweeted me about it!
THENNNNNN!!! This morning, I woke up to a friend request from his best friend, who told me this!
That is my goal, that is my mission - will it work? I dunno. This is being done in real time. I can say that success is a very personal thing, and I am a person that no matter what is now conditioned to take situations and perpetually look for the lesson learned versus wallowing in them. That part I cannot help, I will always roll with the punches. I make mistakes all the time, but instead of beating myself up about them, I think - what can I learn from this experience, and move on. There are only 86,400 seconds in the day, and I'll be damned if I waste even 10 of them with a single negative thought.
Fear of course is something that the human body is conditioned to experience to remind us to stop doing stupid fucking shit. I remind my brain over and over to shut up, and to start listening to my heart. Meditating has been VITAL to my survival as of late, since fear has been creeping in more and more - but again, that is just because I have been operating in a prior state of nothing to lose. In a few months, things will be different. I am adjusting to that, and trying to understand how to process it.
This is social media as told by people who live their lives using it. Like any social exchange in life, of course things are going to be weird, and jumpy, and whatevs - but that's life! Did you really expect lifecasting to be any different?
All my love and all my heart.
#nerdsunite
Reader Comments (8)
And here I thought you were just using this site to market yourself so that you might be given distinguished and credited acting roles which will get you noticed by the industry that has eluded you all these years. I bet there were some daydreaming of walking the red carpet with oscar in hand too. You are almost there, keep on keepin on mate!
Jen, you have every right to proud of yourself. And you should be proud for many reasons.
However, it is 100% disingenuous and truly offensive to any actual homeless people, that you would call yourself homeless. You are a girl who comes from money WHO CHOSE to couch surf. That is simply NOT homeless. You then have the nerve to BRAG about how you have not paid rent in months. Who does that? Not homeless people. I get that you are doing work/bartering in exchange being able to live on people's sofas. And that's great. More power to you. But in this sense, you still have a roof over your head and yes, you pay 'some' kind of rent-- even if that is not monetary. All which does not make you homeless.
Do you not realize how tacky/offensive that is to people who have NO choice, have NO money to fall back on, have NO roof over their head, and who are generally mentally unfit to care for themselves? It is sickening to compare yourself to that. It is deluded. It comes off as a ploy to frame yourself as some sort of underdog. And you know what, you are absolutely an underdog. You clearly you work hard. You are passionate about what you do. And you are still building. But come on, don't co-copt the label of homeless in order to paint yourself as an underdog. That is lousy karma right there. There are plenty of other ways to get readers to root for your journey than to distort the facts at the expense of people who are mentally unfit, financially destitute, without shelter, and did not choose that as a lifestyle.
And just to be clear-- no one has any issue with how you living situation. Sofa-surf all you want. Be nomadic. That is your business (well, technically not, since you've made your life public, but that is beside the point). No one is saying what you are doing is wrong in that sense. But the manner in which you FRAME yourself-- that is what people find insincere. And given that your site prides itself on honesty, I think you do yourself and your readers a disservice. Let alone homeless people.
Again, there is difference between nerdy and being uncool. Be the former please. You're better than that.
I am not here to throw shit on a post where you're trying to figure things out, but there's a big difference between turning down money and choosing to lose your place and not ask anyone for help and crash with acquaintances to... HOMELESS. People who are truly homeless didn't have that choice that you did. It may well have been an extremely difficult and painful road, but it was still a choice. You seem more like a starving artist. You have the capability of getting a day job and getting your own place, but you choose not to. You love your site and you love what you're doing the trade-off of not having a stable home is worth it for you. There's nothing wrong with that. And I'm sure it's occasionally fun even. But homeless people do not have that easy choice.
Homeless people don't go to Attack of the Show. They don't go out on dates. They don't get free goodies and services from businesses. Homeless people are mostly mentally ill or have damaged their lives irreparably with drugs or alcohol. They are in no position to lifecast. I don't know if you're trying to prop yourself up or elicit sympathy through the homeless angle, but I think it's disrespectful to people with actual problems not of their own making.
Here's what actual homeless people are like: http://www.hearmystory.org/true-homeless-stories.php
Webster's dictionary: http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/homeless
BOOM!
but yes i get what you all are saying - but this was all part of my journey, could i take unbridled passion and make it happen. couch surfing denotes a short period of time spent between a transition, I've been a transient for almost a year. I'm not expecting everyone to get my life decisions, I'm not expecting an award or a breast to pin it on. I just am, and this just is. That's all.
thanks for the comments! xoxo
dear couch surfer who found creative means to pay rent,
okay, THIS is what living homeless in LA looks like:
http://www.rand.org/content/dam/rand/www/external/publications/randreview/issues/summer2007/images/p11.jpg
http://askmissa.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/08/homeless-in-los-angeles.jpg
http://www.cherubslearning.org/_Photos/Homeless_SantaMonica1.jpg
See? It sucks. It's cold. It's dangerous. And it does NOT involve "choosing" homelessness as a lifestyle, being able to clean up to go out on dates several times a week, let alone blogging about it after, or spending a weekend at some sort of spa thing, or wearing adorable fake animal things on your head, or sleeping in an apt, or having the time to know who the fuck pete cashmore is, or editing videos about how awesome your dad is.
It is great if your life is consumed by such things. But it is not okay to pretend that such a life is homeless.
It's disgusting. Ignorant. Spoiled. Selfish.
i respect and appreciate the input. thanks dude.
Ok
Great
Then write a post where you actually apologize for being self centered regarding this matter
Take ownership
Stop deflecting
Actually be honest instead of writing that this critique is "bullshit"
Your critique is not bullshit at all. i respect and appreciate it. is houseless less disrespectful?