#Status: Single. A 6 Month No Man Mission (Oxytocin, F-You and Your Haze!)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Tiffany. She's a love addict who is now purging herself of men in the hopes of finding a cure. Think she can do it?? She has given herself six months, and I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT TIFFANY!!</editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @nomanmission

I've been in a complete oxytocin haze for the past week and a half. I have been hazed in a way that I can hardly describe. After 4 long months of no sex, or basically no men in general, I knew it was absolutely time for it to be over and the Universe answered my prayers in spades. I prayed long and hard for a distraction from my heartache, from my thoughts of "Kryptonite", from my loneliness, from my lack of intimacy, from my lack of sexual interaction. The Universe answered my prayers loud and clear within hours of my begging.

"Hot, Young, Yogi" is someone that I have had a school girl crush on since I first took his class a year ago at this time. Had you told me then that I would be intimate with this man, I would have laughed at you. It would have been a total joke that I would know him at all outside of the hot, sweaty confines of the studio walls.  He is young, sexy, long haired, sensual, dominating, and I have wanted him in a physical way from the first class he ever led me through. I have fantasized about him plenty, had dreams about him, and completely kept my cool each time I was in his presence. Imagine my surprise when he showed up at the yogi happy hour a week and a half ago just hours after I prayed to the powers that be to bring me a distraction. Not only did he show up, but the moment I showed him any little bit of interest, he jumped at the chance. He came on strong, and hard from the first night. It immediately took me into the oxytocin haze that I had freed myself from by being on my "NO MAN MISSION".

After being so painfully rejected by "Kryptonite" I am a bit more damaged than I was before. So- to have someone interested in me in such a strong way so quickly was purely intoxicating. It was like I was given my drug of choice after 4 long months of being completely sober. I was immediately hooked. All the while in the back of my mind I heard the subtle, yet consistent voice inside that kept flashing red flags in my direction. The kind of  voice that we all know very well. The one that tries to get our attention when we are caught in the oxytocin haze. The one that tells us the things that we only wish to brush away during the beginning phases of a relationship. I heard mine loud and clear. Still, I tried to ignore it. Lucky for me, even though it sucks really bad, I have some major forces watching out for me. Making things happen in exactly the way they are supposed to. Fuck, this sucks, yet I am so thankful for it. It still sucks a lot though. I can tell that I am growing a lot, because I am uncomfortable, and it even hurts a little bit on a physical and cellular level. I can't not be growing when I feel this way.

It was bound to happen though. He is 9 years my junior, still obviously in love with his goddess of an ex (whom I am also a little bit in love with, but that is another story), and to be completely truthful, my heart is just not available for it anyway. But, honestly, I just want someone to make me forget. I want someone to make me forget about the absence of the one that I truly want, but can't have. I want someone to help me pass the time until my one true love comes. I want someone who will be my place holder. I say I want that, but is it truly what I want? I don't think so, because if I did, I would have it. 

The worst part of all of this is the excitement that I felt when he was following me around like a puppy. It truly felt like a drug. I knew it was wrong, but it felt so amazingly good that I just had to have more. Even though I knew that this drug would not bring anything lasting into my life, I had to have it. It makes me feel like I haven't learned a single thing during this mission. Yet, I know I have because I have not yet fallen into my old patterns. I do start to, but then something greater than myself steps in and saves me. Fuck, it still sucks though. I just want my drug. I want to be in love and have the feelings reciprocated. I live for it. It is my ultimate addiction. "HYY" was a great distraction for the very short period of time that he was there, but in the end I am alone-still. I could be with him tonight, but I knew I couldn't. What's the point? Why bother? There is so much more to this story, but I just don't have the energy to delve into it. I don't have the energy because I have been up til all hours of the night completely entranced in the "HYY". I don't have the energy because my heart hurts a little bit. Because, while I know it is for the best, it still bums me out. I miss my drug already. Fuck.

My name is Tiffany, and I will be okay, but tonight, it sucks.

#thatisall

click here to follow Tiffany on twitter!