#Status: single 6 month no man mission (Prone to Shenanigans & Malarky)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Tiffany. She's a love addict who is now purging herself of men in the hopes of finding a cure. Think she can do it?? She has given herself six months, and I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT TIFFANY!!</editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @nomanmission

I sent this in a text to three of my girlfriends after a long day at home with my sick son who slept all day due to an illness. Days like today are good, to slow me down, to force me to relax, to reflect, meditate, do yoga on my back patio, and by then end of it go right the fuck out of my mind!

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Overview of my night. 1. My 15.5 year old is sick w/a stomach bug sleeping all day, so I don't leave the house. 2. Bored to death by 5pm after an entire day @ home basically alone. 3. Poor a glass of wine & tune into my ex-husband’s radio show in RI (Rhode Island). 3. Start to get nostalgic for him and proceed to email him once & text him 12 times. Yes, 12 times...with no response. 3. Give up and go sit on my front patio w/a glass of red & bowl of popcorn. 4. Hot neighbor whom I have lived across from for 1.5 years but barely spoke to until the other day leaves his house. 5. Talk to said hot neighbor for over an hour about life, love, relationships, sex, pot, and everything in between. 6. We exchange numbers…but he assures me that he is indeed not looking for anything in the relationship department (sigh). 7. Get text from hot neighbor saying that we talked about sex & pot for an hour (what?) (That is ALL we talked about? I think not) and now he is having a hard time focusing. 8. I consider that the hot neighbor could just want to have sex w/me and honestly that doesn't sound that bad right now if I didn't have an ugly, but unpoppable zit on my left nostril...oh the joys of being single.

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Now, let me be clear. I would not have sex with my hot neighbor. Well, never say never, but the point is, I would have definitely taken him up on his offer to hang out. Also, WTF?! I haven't texted my ex-husband in years. We have had little contact for at least 2 years. We split up 4 years ago. Why the hell did I decide that today was the day that I should text him, not once, but 12 fucking times, and an email! Yes, in this sentence FUCK needs to be used because it is that god damn ridiculous! I am not to be trusted to be left to my own device for this many monotonous hours on end. Don't get me wrong, I had a great day. It was wonderful and welcomed to relax in the capacity that I did. It felt good to be here for my son. Yes, he slept almost all day, but, to know that my only responsibility was to make sure he felt taken care of and to overall just be present for him felt really nice. But-by the end of the day I had lost my mind for sure. I always say that idle time is my enemy and it is. I was able to just chill for most of the day, but by 2pm I was going stir crazy. I started to think of all the things that I could be accomplishing, the yoga class that I was missing which means I will have to double up another day to complete the 31 day challenge, grocery shopping, seeing the sunset, and the fact that I was going to miss the yogi happy hour this evening. Ha, shit, if these are my problems then my life is pretty damn good! Nothing like writing something down to realize how good you actually have it!

Boredom overtook me as I finished an entire bag of Parmesan, basil popcorn and 1/2 of a bottle of red wine and listened to my ex-husbands radio show. I had officially switched into self-destruct mode. It's sad too, because I managed to power through 5 sets each of Sun Sal A & B, meditate, write, and lay out in my backyard throughout the day. With that momentum you would think that I wouldn't fall into that place, but I guess I am fragile right now. I should mention that all the while I still felt pretty damn happy. I felt peaceful all day. I think I just needed to get some malarky out of my system. Hey, at least I have managed to not contact "HYY". That is a victory! There I go taking one step forward and 12 steps back as I text my ex-husband instead! WTF, Tiff?!

The funniest part about all this is when I asked Tim what the hell is up with me to act so crazy and out of character tonight. He replied "I don't know, maybe it is that other broad in your head. What's her name, Autumn?". Ha ha ha. Precisely, Tim, precisely.

My name is Tiffany, or do I blame this whole evening on my alter ego Autumn?

#thatisall

click here to follow Tiffany on twitter!

#Status: Single. A 6 Month No Man Mission (mission aborted)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Tiffany. She's a love addict who is now purging herself of men in the hopes of finding a cure. Think she can do it?? She has given herself six months, and I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT TIFFANY!!</editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @nomanmission

Yep, you read it right. I have aborted my mission. After 4 months and 4 days, I decided it was high time to scrap this silly mission and I am happy I did. I feel like a weight has been lifted off of me, I feel free, alive, and awake to the many possibilities that abound. The new inquiry is to go into all of my experiences with awareness, to ask myself "why" when I have desires to do something, to be aware of the reasoning behind what I choose to do. I have already noticed some patterns creeping in, and that is okay, because I am aware. I believe that so long as I am aware of what I do, I can't really go wrong. Although, that is probably just the same old me justifying.

It feels good to not have to hold back. It feels good to not be using my "NO MAN MISSION" as a crutch. It feels good to feel free to do as I choose. Is a part of me a little disappointed in myself for not completing my mission? Yes, but only the part of me that feels judged by the people who think I should have finished it, but honestly, I can't be bothered with that sort of thing. Only I have to live with the choices I make, and only I know what is right for me, only I have to learn my own lessons. Everyone else can just sit back and judge, accept, love, or leave.

What have I learned during my mission that I can now take with me back into all things "Man"? I have learned to not only value my alone time, but to revel in it. I have created a life of my own. I have become independent, more free spirited, and laid back than ever before. I have learned to be really honest with myself and my dealings with men, so as to not fall head first into the rabbit hole that is a relationship- stay tuned to see how that works out for me! I have learned that I am still just as crazy for men as I was on day one of this mission. Oh, and I have decided to stop saying that I am "boy crazy" because that will indeed attract "boys" into my life rather than men. I want a MAN. I am still a hopeless romantic who longs for true love, but I have also learned that I am not ready for a totally committed, long term relationship. Is that true? I don't know, I am still trying to hash that one out. I have learned that without my mission, I will have to be a big girl and actually tell men I am not interested in dating them rather than using my mission as my safety net. Phew. Most of all I have learned that it is important for me to fall in love with myself first, before I can even attempt to fall in love with another human being. That fact alone makes me know that I still have a ways to go before my true love enters my life.

So, what happens to my blog now? I don't know. What I learned during this time, is that I can't write about my experiences with others, it isn't fair. So, I have no idea what my blog posts will look like after today. Hell, I don't even know if I will have time to write considering I am pretty much on a "Man Bender" right now ;) Wait, I think I just came up with my next blog post. I have plenty to share and have had experiences that I could not have written better myself, so the show goes on-with a twist. Wish me luck!

Salutations to She who fulfills ALL desires!

#thatisall

click here to follow Tiffany on twitter!

#Status: Single. A 6 Month No Man Mission (love thyself)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Tiffany. She's a love addict who is now purging herself of men in the hopes of finding a cure. Think she can do it?? She has given herself six months, and I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT TIFFANY!!</editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @nomanmission

Just to be clear, this post is not primarily about a man, it is about all people that I desire to have in my life and what happens to me when I actually care if they stick around or not, and until I feel safe from the possibility of getting hurt.

It amazes me how much the idea of love throws me off of my path. How I am willing to completely throw all of myself into the possibility of love. It’s like love and being in love is the primary reason I was brought to this Earth. It controls my every move in life. I am so ruled by my heart that my head feels like it is in a constant battle between reason and feeling. I am in awe of how obvious my lessons are. It almost seems like a cosmic joke. Or- am I just so tuned in that I can see what is being thrown at me and why?  It is leaving me very clear, yet sublimely uncomfortable with dealing with what “is”.

I get so caught up in fantasy and possibility that the moment the promise of that fantasy or possibility goes away I am left in withdrawal mode. Sad, cold, lonely staring into the face of that old familiar feeling. Longing for what has been lost.

It can’t be healthy to be so obsessed with love. Why do I keep searching for love outside of myself? Why is it that I think I am in love with myself until I actually have feelings for someone else? Suddenly I begin to pick myself apart, I become a more reserved version of who I am, I find everything wrong with myself that the other person might see and then I get caught up in that place. Next thing I know, I am a watered down version of the amazing woman that I actually am because I have become so self conscious.. I don’t like it. I have definitely lost myself as of late. That is why I know that although I have aborted my mission, I still have tons of work to do. How can I expect anyone to be in love with me if I am not in love with myself? I need to be in love with and proud of every single facet of my being. I need to own who I am, how I feel, what I think, and not shrink into some mold of what I think someone else wants me to be, just so they stay in my life. That is absolutely ridiculous and I am not usually like that at all. I am pretty outspoken, forward, and unapologetic about who I am and how I feel. I am outrageous, dirty minded, silly, and sarcastic. But, I have been none of those things recently. I have stopped writing, stopped expressing myself, stopped being me essentially.

What I have learned from this awareness is that the right people will love me, for me. I don’t need to cast a veil on myself for the approval of others. In fact, I don’t need approval. Just like Dr. Suess says “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those that mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind”.

I’m not saying that I have to be any specific way because of anyone else. I do it all to myself and honestly, in the end it probably makes me much less desirable. I have no problem being me and loving me and expressing myself when there is nothing to lose (in the beginning), but the minute I actually care if someone is in my life or not, I shrink. The vulnerability, and possibility of being hurt, not accepted, or completely rejected makes me dim my inner light.

Awareness. It is all about awareness. With this knowledge I can begin to notice it as it is happening and cut it off at the pass. I don’t want to shrink so that someone stays in my life. I need to be me, unadulterated, me....all the time. Because the truth is, you can’t hide from the truth. Everyone’s true nature comes out sooner or later. Actually, when I think about it, I have many amazing friends who have been in my life for a very long time, I have men that have loved and still love me to this day...all for me being the pure, unadulterated, crazy, ME. If that isn't motivation enough to love myself, shine my truth, and dance in the glory of my essence, then I don't know what is!

The question is, am I bold enough to reveal this truth to anyone who reads it? Am I ready to be so vulnerable, so open to the judgement of others, so exposed? Am I ready to let everyone know the inner workings of my insecurities? I think the answer is yes, because I want people in my life who want me, the good, the bad, the ugly. I say that now, but the minute I hit “publish” I will panic. It is the inquiry, the dance, the truth.

My name is Tiffany, and I am willing to bet that I am not the only one who struggles with such things.

#thatisall

click here to follow Tiffany on twitter!

#Status: Single. A 6 Month No Man Mission

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Tiffany. She's a love addict who is now purging herself of men in the hopes of finding a cure. Think she can do it?? She has given herself six months, and I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT TIFFANY!!</editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @nomanmission

I am constantly amazed by the wisdom that children hold. Last week, my boss showed me a little story that a random child wrote and left behind for us. It was titled "The Locked Door". The first line read "There is nothing more tempting than a locked door, a broad, dark, locked door". It followed with the line "It was like all of the other doors, except it was locked." These words resonated with me and got me thinking of how it is a good analogy for many situations in life, but more importantly, for my mission.

"The Locked Door" story brought me to a place in my awareness that I needed to see. If I turned this into a metaphor about my mission it would go like this- if the door was open and I could peak in, I wouldn't be so obsessed with what is inside. But-since the door is locked and forbidden to be entered, all I can do is think about what might lie behind the door. The door looks just like any other door, and probably doesn't have anything all that enticing behind it anyway, but the fact that I can't just open the damn door is making the intrigue larger than life. I tell myself that I can't have a man, they are off limits. Sex is unacceptable, relationships are a no go, it is making me want both of those things more than I actually do.

So, I ask myself  "if I wasn't on my mission, would I still crave men and all that comes along with them as much?" I doubt it. Think about it, we always want what we can't have. Forbidden fruit goes back to the beginning of creation depending on what you believe. There are countless love stories, and movies based on star crossed lovers, and love that has been exiled in some way. It makes me think that if we did away with forbidding anything, we wouldn't want all of the things we can't have. If that was the case, we would be free to leave no stone unturned.

It's like in a relationship. We expect our partner to be completely faithful to us and we expect them to not have desires beyond our partnership, which in a lot of cases makes one or both of the lovers crave something that seems appealing, because the door is locked. I think I might be on to something, but it isn't quite that simple. I like to think that I can dig the idea of leaving all doors open to explore, but if I am being truly honest with myself, I don't know if I could. Even though I know first hand that a locked door makes what ever is behind it seem more captivating than it most likely is in real life, I still long for monogamy. I say that now, 4 months into my "6 Month NO MAN Mission", but I know that once in the situation, I would eventually change my tune. I have always been in monogamous relationships, and I have inevitably ended up wanting something that was behind a locked door. So, what is the solution? I don't know. In my ideal world, I believe that when I find "the one" then I will no longer care what is behind the door, but I have not experienced that yet so I am left to believe that the idea just isn't realistic.

What is a girl like me to do? A girl addicted to love with idealistic notions, who has the biggest locked door ever right in front of her. This door has been taunting me for a very long time, even before I started my mission. Even when I was with "Someone", I wanted the key to the locked door. Hell, if I think back it was like that in every relationship. It goes back to the whole "grass is greener" concept. Here I am, single and free to explore anything I want, yet I put a self imposed dead  bolt on all doors that read "man" and "love". At this point in my mission I am starting to think that it is hindering me more than it is helping me, but that is just the addict talking. Or is it? If I just allowed myself to sift through the possibilities, would I be so obsessed with the idea of love and sex? I have no idea.

The funny thing is, I was just telling Tim about my theory and he asked if the door represents a zipper....ha! Yes, actually I think it does!

My name is Tiffany and I am trembling over the locked door before me.

#thatisall

click here to follow Tiffany on twitter!

#Status: Single. A 6 Month No Man Mission (Oxytocin, F-You and Your Haze!)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Tiffany. She's a love addict who is now purging herself of men in the hopes of finding a cure. Think she can do it?? She has given herself six months, and I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT TIFFANY!!</editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @nomanmission

I've been in a complete oxytocin haze for the past week and a half. I have been hazed in a way that I can hardly describe. After 4 long months of no sex, or basically no men in general, I knew it was absolutely time for it to be over and the Universe answered my prayers in spades. I prayed long and hard for a distraction from my heartache, from my thoughts of "Kryptonite", from my loneliness, from my lack of intimacy, from my lack of sexual interaction. The Universe answered my prayers loud and clear within hours of my begging.

"Hot, Young, Yogi" is someone that I have had a school girl crush on since I first took his class a year ago at this time. Had you told me then that I would be intimate with this man, I would have laughed at you. It would have been a total joke that I would know him at all outside of the hot, sweaty confines of the studio walls.  He is young, sexy, long haired, sensual, dominating, and I have wanted him in a physical way from the first class he ever led me through. I have fantasized about him plenty, had dreams about him, and completely kept my cool each time I was in his presence. Imagine my surprise when he showed up at the yogi happy hour a week and a half ago just hours after I prayed to the powers that be to bring me a distraction. Not only did he show up, but the moment I showed him any little bit of interest, he jumped at the chance. He came on strong, and hard from the first night. It immediately took me into the oxytocin haze that I had freed myself from by being on my "NO MAN MISSION".

After being so painfully rejected by "Kryptonite" I am a bit more damaged than I was before. So- to have someone interested in me in such a strong way so quickly was purely intoxicating. It was like I was given my drug of choice after 4 long months of being completely sober. I was immediately hooked. All the while in the back of my mind I heard the subtle, yet consistent voice inside that kept flashing red flags in my direction. The kind of  voice that we all know very well. The one that tries to get our attention when we are caught in the oxytocin haze. The one that tells us the things that we only wish to brush away during the beginning phases of a relationship. I heard mine loud and clear. Still, I tried to ignore it. Lucky for me, even though it sucks really bad, I have some major forces watching out for me. Making things happen in exactly the way they are supposed to. Fuck, this sucks, yet I am so thankful for it. It still sucks a lot though. I can tell that I am growing a lot, because I am uncomfortable, and it even hurts a little bit on a physical and cellular level. I can't not be growing when I feel this way.

It was bound to happen though. He is 9 years my junior, still obviously in love with his goddess of an ex (whom I am also a little bit in love with, but that is another story), and to be completely truthful, my heart is just not available for it anyway. But, honestly, I just want someone to make me forget. I want someone to make me forget about the absence of the one that I truly want, but can't have. I want someone to help me pass the time until my one true love comes. I want someone who will be my place holder. I say I want that, but is it truly what I want? I don't think so, because if I did, I would have it. 

The worst part of all of this is the excitement that I felt when he was following me around like a puppy. It truly felt like a drug. I knew it was wrong, but it felt so amazingly good that I just had to have more. Even though I knew that this drug would not bring anything lasting into my life, I had to have it. It makes me feel like I haven't learned a single thing during this mission. Yet, I know I have because I have not yet fallen into my old patterns. I do start to, but then something greater than myself steps in and saves me. Fuck, it still sucks though. I just want my drug. I want to be in love and have the feelings reciprocated. I live for it. It is my ultimate addiction. "HYY" was a great distraction for the very short period of time that he was there, but in the end I am alone-still. I could be with him tonight, but I knew I couldn't. What's the point? Why bother? There is so much more to this story, but I just don't have the energy to delve into it. I don't have the energy because I have been up til all hours of the night completely entranced in the "HYY". I don't have the energy because my heart hurts a little bit. Because, while I know it is for the best, it still bums me out. I miss my drug already. Fuck.

My name is Tiffany, and I will be okay, but tonight, it sucks.

#thatisall

click here to follow Tiffany on twitter!