#NerdsUnite: Cheating 101 (Why We Cheat)

<editorsnote> Jordan is a dating coach. But not like "a" dating coach ... lemme rephrase that, he is THE dating coach. He has a show on SiriusXM called "Game On" and he's a super smarty pants when it comes to examining social dynamics. No ... like for real. </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Jordan Harbinger

Everyone has their own definition of what constitutes cheating. Most people’s immediate reaction is that it’s when their partners have sex with someone else, but rarely is anything quite so black and white. If sex with someone else is cheating, what about “everything but?” What about kissing? Holding hands?

The truth is that if you wait until your partner’s emotional ties have frayed to the point that they search elsewhere for physical connection, you’ve waited far too long.

Reality is that sometimes things just aren’t working for one person in a relationship, but they are for the other. Sometimes they’re not working for either party, but neither says anything for fear of hurting the other. When you step back and look at the big picture, you can see that.

NOT telling someone that you want out, or that you need things to change, is what hurts them, as well as you and your relationship.

This is true for any kind of relationship, not just romantic. When you hide or subvert your true feelings, you start living a lie. And what always happens is that eventually when the other person finds out, they’re more upset that you let them live under false pretenses than they are about the issue that started it all. It makes you untrustworthy and a total ass. It’s arrogant behavior – you might feel that you just don’t want to hurt them, but what you’re really saying is that you know what’s best for them better than they do. And that is never true (leaving mental illness or addiction out of the equation).

Another problem with not telling the truth about how you feel is that you might be keeping yourself from an even more rewarding relationship than you already have. What if you were feeling like things are good, but you’d like to not feel guilty having a drink with another woman? What if you let those feelings fester and started feeling closed in by your relationship, or stifled, and then you start blaming your mate for making you feel that way? If you haven’t let her know how you feel, then blaming her for your feelings is absurd. You can’t know how she’ll feel about it unless you talk about it. Perhaps she’d like to have a drink with someone other than you as well. Perhaps you’ll find that just the feeling of knowing that you’re free to do so will change those feelings entirely and you both decide that being together is best.

Perhaps you find that you’d rather be with someone else, in which case it’s still best for both of you to know that and be free to make other, better choices. Many times just opening up a conversation about your relationship is enough to clear the air and your mind.

When you’re lying in bed, or having a lovely afternoon together, or any other time when there’s no pressure and no anger between you, ask her if she’s happy. Ask her if she’s getting what she wants and needs from your relationship. Tell her what makes you happy about the two of you together, and share some examples of moments that serve as good examples of what makes you particularly happy and what you particularly value in her companionship. Get her to share her happiness with you as well. Enjoy these shared moments together and laugh and remember and re-live the good feelings. Then ask her if there was one thing she might like to change that would increase her happiness, what would that be? If you simply ask, “What would you like to change?”  She has a higher potential of not saying anything, as the question is so broad it might make her feel like as ass to say anything, especially since you just shared such a great moment. If you ask her for just one thing, it lets her off the hook for feeling like a bitch, as it’s only one thing and you asked her to tell you, which means you care. It might lead to more than one thing, and that’s fine – the big picture is for you two to communicate and keep your relationship working well. If it’s one thing or ten things, it’s all good, because she’s sharing her truth with you and you with her. Once you can be completely honest together, you can begin to truly see where the other is coming from and how to come together to make your relationship work for both of you.

For some there’s a fine line between checking for problems in the relationship and smothering the other person, wondering constantly if everything is okay. For others, there is a challenge to just identifying their own emotions in general, not to mention learning how to identify them in others and recognize when things are awry. Pay attention when things are going great, and watch how she reacts and how it makes you feel.

Her body language and facial expressions will tell you more than any words she’ll ever use. Get used to reading her happiness, and that will help you clue in when she’s not. Dwell on the happiness, both hers and yours, and you will learn how to maintain it. Address uncertainty and unhappiness immediately and you will keep it from growing.

Cheating begins when communication stops. A lack of communication can have many symptoms, such as feeling neglected, wanting more excitement, craving romance or withdrawing from each other. So many times when a relationship is over, it can be easy to look back and say “Ah, if only I had blah blah blah, or if she had just yada yada yada.” Hindsight is 20-20. However, foresight can be 20-20 as well. If you have the foresight to be proactive in your relationship, and the self-assurance to not let things go that should be addressed, then you have a higher chance of not having to look back in the first place.

#nerdsunite

Jordan Harbinger is a Wall Street lawyer turned Social Dynamics expert and coach.  He is the owner and co-founder of The Art of Charm, a dating and relationships coaching company.  If you dig this and want to learn more from Jordan and The Art of Charm team, then visit http://www.theartofcharm.com.  You can also interact with Jordan on Facebook.