#NerdsUnite: Dating + Texting =M0dern Luv

<editorsnote> Jordan is a dating coach. But not like "a" dating coach ... lemme rephrase that, he is THE dating coach. He has a show on SiriusXM called "Game On" and he's a super smarty pants when it comes to examining social dynamics. No ... like for real. </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Jordan Harbinger

There is fine thread connecting dating and texting. While text messaging is far less invasive than a phone call, sending a text that comes across the wrong way can be like leaving a creepy message on a girl’s voicemail. And going from getting her number to getting the date can be near impossible if you are sending the wrong signals through your texts.

Although we can make plans with our buddies via texts without much issue, when texting begins to cross into the boundaries of attraction and dating, there are a few limits to how far one can (or should) go.

When you get a girl’s number, you should be texting her soon afterwards to set up a date. After the date you might text her to let her know you had fun and want to see her again sometime. Sometime before your next face to face encounter, you’ll most likely send her a flirty, fun message and banter back and forth over until you set up another meeting.

The right thing to do is send a light and playful reminder every couple of days. Too often will make you seem needy, not often enough and she’ll forget the positive impression you made on her.

Sadly many guys, especially younger guys, have fallen into an addictive pattern when it comes to texting. They’ve become slaves to the thrill of texting people; they text in the morning, at work, at night, when they’re out with the guys, when they’re in bed, and when they’re in a movie.

These guys are what we call texturbators. Texturbators text constantly just for the thrill of it – for no meaningful reason except the validation they get when she texts back. Unfortunately, just because she is writing back does not mean the relationship is moving forward. Texting is a tool, albeit a powerful one, that must be used with a purpose in mind. The texturbator will remain in a texting conversation longer than they should because he has no purpose in the conversation.

Don’t be a texturbator.

When you text someone, you usually don’t get an immediate response. There is no eye contact or body language to decipher, and although this may seem annoying, it’s really a gift because it means you can take your time responding. In real life you’re only as fast as your wit. With text, you can take a while to think of the perfect response each time.

How often have you walked away from a conversation with an attractive woman only to have the perfect thing to say come to mind right afterward? Why couldn’t it have come to you when you needed it? Texting will directly help you to develop the skill of quick wit and banter necessary for flirting.

Another huge benefit of texting is that it is far less invasive than a phone call would be.  With a text you get direct access to her. All she needs to do is open her phone. This means you are far more likely to get a response than if you call because she could be in a place where she can’t talk.

Another advantage of texting is that she is much more likely to say what is on her mind because you aren’t face to face. The lack of social pressure in texting can be particularly useful when it comes to creating a sexual state with her.

Finally, text messaging allows you to work smarter, not harder. You can flirt with several girls at once from just about anywhere.

Texting is no doubt one of the most powerful and versatile tools for building and maintaining attraction with a woman. But sometimes it can lead to becoming a texturbator. Overtexting is a dangerous game. Persistent text messages communicate neediness and a scarcity mentality. Neediness is communicated through a need for her approval and response. Texting too much shows attention-seeking behavior.

“She didn’t text me back!”

“What should I do? She is ignoring me!”

You should be looking at this situation with an abundance mentality, not a scarcity mentality. Abundance says, “She didn’t text me back but it’s ok, there are plenty of other fish out there.” Scarcity says, “Oh no, I did something wrong, I better send a few more texts to make myself look cool again.”

Another thing low-value guys do is respond immediately every time. Taking some time to respond communicates that you have a life and other things going on. She is not the most important thing in your life. If you are always available and respond immediately or are continually texting her throughout your day, she will wonder why you don’t have anything else keeping you busy. I don’t mean purposely wait a few hours to text back; I mean don’t drop everything to check your phone when it vibrates.

Think about this: if you already have a life full of amazingly beautiful women, would you really care if an interaction with a new one failed? No! You have enough going on in your life that it’s okay if one interaction doesn’t work out!

You must release your attachment to the outcome. High-value men like you should be screening low-value people out, not hanging on to whatever comes your way.

These behaviors are a guaranteed way to kill attraction. Being a texturbator and being at the beck and call of your phone does not show others the value you have, nor the quality of person you are. If you want to know more about texting, head over to howtotextgirls.com and check it out. We’ve got the textbook for sale there as well, which will give you tons of help.

#nerdsunite

Jordan Harbinger is a Wall Street lawyer turned Social Dynamics expert and coach.  He is the owner and co-founder of The Art of Charm, a dating and relationships coaching company.  If you dig this and want to learn more from Jordan and The Art of Charm team, then visit http://www.theartofcharm.com.  You can also interact with Jordan on Facebook.

#NerdsUnite: Five Moves That Make You Look Bad in Bed (and How to Avoid Them)

<editorsnote> Jordan is a dating coach. But not like "a" dating coach ... lemme rephrase that, he is THE dating coach. He has a show on SiriusXM called "Game On" and he's a super smarty pants when it comes to examining social dynamics. No ... like for real. </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Jordan Harbinger

As a talk show host and dating coach for The Art of Charm, I speak to thousands of guys every year who entrust me with their deepest fears and insecurities. One of the most common, by far, is that women will think a guy’s bad in bed.

If you’re a two-pump chump, can’t get it up or think “labia” is a country in Africa, they’ll find out pretty damn quick that you can’t take care of business. But what’s more disturbing? A woman can tell a guy’s hopeless long before you glimpse her undies—and that can actually prevent any action from even happening.

Even if you’re a superstar in the sack, telltale signs can kill your chances of proving it. Here are five my expert sources (a.k.a. hot chicks) say are dealbreakers—and how to fix them.

Problem: Fidgeting

Art of Charm coach Kim assumes a guy will be bad in bed by how he moves. Quick, jerky or nervous movements show plainly that “he’s not comfortable in his own body, and won’t be comfortable with mine.”

Fix it: 

The quickest solution is exercise, especially a masculine sport such as boxing or MMA. If you don’t enjoy getting punched in the grill repeatedly on a daily basis, go for Crossfit—it totally changes how you move, increases body coordination and obliterates stress. Say goodbye to nervous, jerky movements and say hello to a new body type and level of fitness. As an bonus, most Crossfit boxes (gyms) are jam-packed with hot, fit women.

 Problem: Queasiness

You’re grossed out by the human body and freak when a girl has leg hair, you spot menstrual blood, etc. Our girl Andrea, 27, tells us, “the yard shouldn’t have to be perfectly groomed for you to play in it.” If you’re verbally or visibly uneasy with the female body or your own, she senses that you’re probably going to be a pretty sterile, unimaginative lay.

Fix it:

Get over it, bro. Sex is sometimes down and dirty. The more you learn to dig that, the more comfortable she’ll feel letting her guard down around you both on the streets and between the sheets.

Problem: Indecision

Think “I don’t know, what do you want to do tonight?” That kind of wishy-washiness hardly impresses Leyla, 26. “When he leaves everything to me on a date, it leads me to expect that he’s going to be the same way in the bedroom, and women don’t want that.”

Fix it:

Man up and plan a date. It doesn’t have to be perfect—just putting forth the effort goes a long way. Quick tip: invite her to something you’re already planning on doing. “Hey, have you been to the Chinese Market downtown? Some friends and I might check it out this weekend. They’ve got all kinds of unidentifiable things that you can eat. Feeling adventurous enough to join us?” The added benefit is, if she flakes, you’re not stuck sitting around. 

Problem: Bad Touching

This is one of the top complaints women have about men regarding foreplay and sex. It’s something that even many experienced guys get totally, horribly wrong. Emily, a sexologist and friend of The Art of Charm, explains that she “has to like the way his casual touch feels. If I unconsciously tense up and pull away from his touch, I listen to my body. Also, if he touches me too much or not enough, I can tell he won’t know how to please me when things get more intimate.”

Fix it:

Your touch should be natural, and escalate from friendly to something more over time. In other words, the exact opposite of the ultra-common mistake—not touching until you’re trying to “make a move.” Also, don’t look at the area you’re touching or call undue attention to it, which will creep her out big time. All this requires practice. Learn more here.

Problem: Lack of Adventure

Saying things that make you sound boring in the sack is unforgivable. Among the worst blunders is being judgmental about other people’s sexual proclivities. Katie, 29, was turned off when a guy expressed a bit of revulsion about a past sexual exploit. “He basically labeled himself a dead cow in bed when he told me that the last girl he dated was ‘kind of a freak’ because she wanted him to pull her hair. Sorry, but almost every girl I know loves that at the right time. If he thinks that was weird, I’m going to have to teach him everything, and it’ll probably fall on deaf ears.”

Fix it: 

Keep an open mind, and, if you can’t, shut the hell up. The saddest part is, the poor schmuck in the above example was probably just testing the waters to see if Katie would be into it—he just handled it all wrong. The best way to introduce something new, by the way, is to gently give it a try while you’re in the act and go from there. Just, maybe don’t bring out the handcuffs right away.

#nerdsunite

Jordan Harbinger is a Wall Street lawyer turned Social Dynamics expert and coach.  He is the owner and co-founder of The Art of Charm, a dating and relationships coaching company.  If you dig this and want to learn more from Jordan and The Art of Charm team, then visit http://www.theartofcharm.com.  You can also interact with Jordan on Facebook.

#NerdsUnite: So She Has a Boyfriend. So what?

<editorsnote> Jordan is a dating coach. But not like "a" dating coach ... lemme rephrase that, he is THE dating coach. He has a show on SiriusXM called "Game On" and he's a super smarty pants when it comes to examining social dynamics. No ... like for real. </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Jordan Harbinger

So you hit it off with a woman and then she tells you that she has a boyfriend.

If you really have balls – and you have to do this with extreme confidence – you can to look her directly in the eyes and say, “Listen, I’m going to lay it flat out for you. I rarely meet someone that I find this attractive, and you’ve got fucking killer energy.”

Continue, “Here’s what I’m going to do: I know that there’s a chance in life that this boyfriend of yours – and he’s your boyfriend, not your husband – might not work out in the future. I’m not someone who is going to squash your relationship; I’m not going to tell you to break up with him, and I don’t want to be your friend.”

“It’s not that I don’t like being friends with women, but I don’t want to be the shoulder to cry on.” So you say all that and then you just smile. You can even play it up a little bit and play it off as a joke: “I don’t like wearing dresses; I’m not one of the girls.”

You keep going, “But I have to tell you something – you have a dynamic presence. If you ever break up with him, here is my card. Tuck it away in a corner; put it on the shelf in your shoe closet – I don’t care where you put it. But if you break up with him, you and I are going to get together and I’m going to get to know you better.”

If you can say that with confidence, hand her that card, and then with the theme music to a movie in your head, you touch her lightly on the arm and ask, “What was your name?” She says, “Amy.”

You respond, “Amy, it was a pleasure. We will be seeing each other soon.” And then you walk away smoothly.

She will tell her friends and her friends will not believe her. Her friends will say, “What are you talking about? Why are you still going out with Joe? Come on, go out with that guy!” And she’ll have your card. She’ll produce that card.

You have to play the percentages. Just because she’s in a relationship doesn’t mean it’s a good or healthy one. You don’t have time to find out if it’s good or not – you’re not a girl. You don’t want to find out about the depth of her relationship with another guy.

But you are willing to play the cards. And when you play that card, it will get passed around to her friends. “Was he hot?” they will ask. “Oh my god, he was hot,” she will say, and they’ll say, “Text him, text him!”

If you have that confidence, you never know what might happen. I have done this before and received random text messages a few days later. You ask, “Who is this?” and she responds, “It’s Magazine Girl!”

If you really want to get in touch with her, get sensual with her and give her a nickname. “Alright, Magazine Girl, I’ll see you later.” “Alright, Chocolate Girl, I’ll see you later.” Giving her a nickname creates immediate intimacy.

Doing this takes total balls!

#nerdsunite

Jordan Harbinger is a Wall Street lawyer turned Social Dynamics expert and coach.  He is the owner and co-founder of The Art of Charm, a dating and relationships coaching company.  If you dig this and want to learn more from Jordan and The Art of Charm team, then visit http://www.theartofcharm.com.  You can also interact with Jordan on Facebook.

#NerdsUnite: Allowing the dust to settle on "settling"

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Jordan. He was one of the first writers here on TNTML and he's a really rad mofo. I forget how we first started talking - but he lives allllllll the way over in Kansas and wants to talk to you about life from his side of the monitor in the keyword of nerd. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT JORDAN!! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @SaintPepsi

If you had talked to me at the end of last year you may have found me slightly defeated. I had only recently turned 31 and at my age I was under a safe assumption I would have to choose settling in the love department for whomever fancied me next. I felt like the time for being picky and looking for what I really wanted in a girl was becoming folly. I know 31 isn’t old. In this town where the population constantly turns over with new 18 - 22 year olds, it’s ancient. The places made for a few generations older than the norm have a population of people much the same as me. Trying out the other elder youth in the area hoping to find someone that fits the bill and you can settle for. With only a handful of bars for us well the pickings are both meager and usually jaded with heartbreak, failed romances, and the baggage of lives that blossomed and then fell victim to the short love affairs that we can get so wrapped up in our youth. Add to that the wonderful ideal of the person you are hoping to find having already dated a friend of yours which is so often the case. You settle because being alone is something you accept, but not something you want.

So when I found myself falling for a new girl and it was finally one that was falling for me as well; I placed a small amount of hope that even if it doesn’t feel fully right, even if I am not super happy with who it is I have found myself with... well I’ll just suck it up and settle because in this town you just don’t know what else may come along. I realize it’s a dark feeling to have and one I’m sure many others have shared as short term love affairs have bloomed and faded year in and year out. See I have always fought hard to get the girls I wanted to be with. No matter how broken or crazy they may have been. I accept anyone with any past because that past made them just who they are now. Still their issues would loom and that darkness would encase their hearts leaving not a light to be let through. Certainly not my heart. Try as they might: they would all tell me they wished they could fall in love with me, but something was holding them back.

So enter my most recent romance. While it is still in its infancy the progression isn’t a grind, I’m not having to fight to hold on to her, and I am not feeling run dry with misconceptions and doubt. I am happy and that to me is altogether something scary. It’s not something I have really ever had to deal with. I mean in life I am generally happy, but in love rarely have I been just content. The girl I assumed I would be settling for surprised me. To such a degree I wasn’t ready for the reality of the situation. I have found myself with a girl that seems to fit like a puzzle piece. Her corners are cut to mold into me almost flawlessly. Of course there are issues, there will always be issues, or else it would be too easy and in that regard boring. I hate boring. So does she. The more I get to know about her, the more she seems to align herself with a list I had created of things I would absolutely love in a girl. More to the point I have found that I am not settling at all. I’m not just giving up because this, “could” work. I am excited because this, “is” working. I am invigorated with the passion we are equally giving each other, with the independence we have allowed each other to have, and with the drive to keep each of our friends so we don’t become that couple that drops off the face of the earth into each other. What I have found seems to be the right path and I haven’t put on rose tinted glasses to secure my belief in this. I was highly skeptical of the whole situation. As anyone at my age would be. I had my own baggage that poisoned me with doubt in that what I was finding was reality.

That poison has found an antidote and slowly I am being healed. Ages of could bes, and what ifs, which I had only recently laid to rest have been dealt with. She is a partner, an equal party that’s just as quirky and crazy as I am. We have so many differences that I have loved getting to know. In that we each bring something to the table. We aren’t the same and we aren’t so different. It’s the Goldilocks of love. While some in the past were too crazy, too jealous, too broke, too closed off... this one is feeling just right. I’m sure we’ll have our fair share of mountains to climb between the two of us, hurdles to jump, and issues to deal with. I just feel like this is one of the first relationships I have been in, that has positive forward momentum.

So as my disbelief fades and my acceptance of happiness seems to take hold. I begin to hope again. Hopes a dangerous thing you know. If keeps you alive in the darkest of times and lets you shine ever brighter in the best of times. I intend to be just the very best that I can be for this girl and make sure to keep the communication alive and well. I intend to see this through with less and less fear of failure and know that just maybe things can be good in life all round. There doesn’t need to be a counter weight of awful to balance out the good in your life. I am very much so looking forward to being both lucky in life and in love. Because settling for the best isn’t settling at all. It’s achieving all the goals you have fought so hard to have. Everyday's an adventure and if you never try you will never know just what could have happened. As Wayne Gretzky said, “You will miss 100% of the shots you never take.” Start taking chances and living life. Regrets are for those that fear moving forward and actually living life.

#nerdsunite

click here to follow Jordan on the twittah!

#NerdsUnite: How to build rapport on a date

<editorsnote> Jordan is a dating coach. But not like "a" dating coach ... lemme rephrase that, he is THE dating coach. He has a show on SiriusXM called "Game On" and he's a super smarty pants when it comes to examining social dynamics. No ... like for real. </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Jordan Harbinger

Rapport is an emotional exchange that helps people feel a connection on a deeper level. The next time you go out to eat, observe the people chatting with each other. What you’ll often see is people leaning toward one other, smiling, making eye contact and mirroring or mimicking each other’s movements and gestures. They’re in rapport. On a subconscious level, we all mirror the movements of someone we like or want to impress.

If you are trying to connect with a woman but feel as though you seem to be missing something, that something is probably the mutual trust and respect that is formed through rapport.

This trust can be sparked through body language, vocal tonality, wordage, and confidence. If you act like there is already a layer of trust, the other person will assume you a trustworthy person.

Sharing emotions doesn’t have to be rough, nor does it mean you are weak. Indeed, you’ll find that sharing how you feel at the right time (during rapport) will make you seem more confident – showing you aren’t afraid to show who you really are. People want to get to know the real you on a real level, and this can only be done through rapport and exchange.

Since rapport is an emotional exchange, you may be thinking, “How do I initiate this exchange?” The easiest answer to this question is this – open yourself up first. Men are made to be leaders. Without opening up first, women may not feel comfortable talking about themselves on a deeper level. Opening up first shows vulnerability because there is a possibility that you won’t be accepted. You can’t expect a girl to lower her guard unless you let yours down first.

American culture says men should be stone-faced, and because of this, men work without end to hide their emotions from others. This works against our gender role of protector and provider. Showing no emotion does not provide the emotional outlet females need. Women want to know that we understand how they feel, and to be able to understand how we feel in return. That connection is what bonds people together. No vulnerability means that the woman cannot feel completely open and comfortable around you. Being able to communicate how you feel emotionally, without letting it overwhelm you, is a key trait that many men look over because we are so worried about being attacked for a lack of manliness. Being authentically manly means sharing emotions when the time is right, not remaining hidden to the world.

One of the most important things in life is knowing who you are. Rapport with anyone, let alone a woman, is difficult if you don’t know who you are – what your passions in life are.

Spend a little time soul-searching. Get to know your feelings, what you believe in and how it affects your interactions and thoughts on a daily level.

Trust me, you won’t regret it.

Doing this helps build a sense of self, and helps formulate how you think about yourself in a positive way. When you are able to speak freely about some of your own feelings, it becomes a lot easier for others to feel comfortable and add to the rapport. Once you have that, people feel more at ease to invest in the interaction, building a better bond that you may use to transition into seduction, a strong friendship, a healthy work environment, or better family bonds.

Feeling vulnerable will be uncomfortable at first, but these are the things women will connect with and find endearing.

Opening up is great, but be careful about too much rapport too soon. This will come across as being needy. Try to be conscious of this. She’ll be chasing you if you don’t give up too much after opening up.

#nerdsunite

Jordan Harbinger is a Wall Street lawyer turned Social Dynamics expert and coach.  He is the owner and co-founder of The Art of Charm, a dating and relationships coaching company.  If you dig this and want to learn more from Jordan and The Art of Charm team, then visit http://www.theartofcharm.com.  You can also interact with Jordan on Facebook.