#RealDeal: Living on both ends of the spectrum (my name is Brandon, and I am bipolar)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Brandon. We started talking on the Facebook not too long ago, and lemme tell you, this guy can throw in quite the few kneeslappers in his emails. Yep, see Brandon is a comedian who is here today to tell you the real deal on what it's like being "on the circuit." I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT BRANDON!!! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @BrandonComedy

My name is Brandon, and I suffer from bipolar disorder. There are a lot of misconceptions about what bipolar disorder is and how it affects people. In life there are highs and lows, for people like me the highs are much higher, but the lows are much lower. One day I can be planning to make millions of dollars doing stand up comedy, the next I’m sulking in my room because someone on the internet said a mean thing to me. Sometimes, I’m the life of the party and full of energy, life and vigor. Other times, if I can be coaxed out of my room, I’m bummed about a girl next texting me, or sour cream on my nachos, or my grades, or whatever.

Having bipolar disorder doesn’t mean I’m “crazy.” Crazy is thrown around too much in our society, anyone we don’t understand we label as crazy. I’m emotive, I feel things powerfully, perhaps more powerfully than I should. Because of the way my brain is organized, I have strong emotional reactions to small things sometimes, to the average person it might seem ridiculous, but for me it’s normal. Normal for me is all over the map, and I have to accept that, I have to accept that something small to me might affect someone in a huge way, or vice versa.

My problems aren’t bigger than anyone else’s. I live a decent life, there is room for improvement, but I understand I could have it infinitely worse. When you’re depressed, you’re not thinking logically, you can’t recognize the sheer number of things going right in life, instead you focus on the small number of catastrophes taking place. When I’m at my most depressed focusing on anything but my depression seems impossible. Lately, I’ve been extremely depressed. Comedy isn’t going as well as it should, I’m still in my parents house, I’m unemployed, I have no idea how to initiate a relationship that isn’t a friendship, or casual sex, and I just microwaved fast food.

At my most depressed I get suicidal, and lately I’ve been suicidal. I’ve tried to keep busy to keep my mind off of suicide by doing shows, hanging out with friends, starting new hobbies (writing letters), organizing things, looking for flaws in great movies, and just doing whatever I could to stay busy. If I’m busy, I can’t kill myself, I have to finish whatever it is I’m doing (I hate incomplete things). But when I have idle time, I just start thinking of all of the lives I’ve negatively impacted, and all of the lives I’ll continue to negatively impact, and the people who only talk to me because they feel it’s some sort of obligation. Lately I’ve wanted not to die, but to not exist, to take back every interaction I’ve ever had this is impractical, but has been at the forefront of my thoughts lately.

I don’t want to be alive, but I don’t want to hurt people around me by taking the selfish way out. This is the most practical I’ve ever been about my own mortality, and these past few months I’ve been existing, not because  I’m doing well, but simply because I don’t want my absence to cause anyone to do worse.

I’m a control freak, it’s in my nature, and it usually works out for me (usually being the key word). There are things beyond my control, generally those things terrify me, but I deal with them as best as I can. Lately, these past few months there have been a number of things that were both out of my control and somewhat devastating.

I don’t know if this will help anyone, but I hope it does. It sucks to feel alone, unappreciated, hated, or however you feel, but know that someone out there values you as a person, and would be devastated by your loss. I’ve battled suicidal depression since I was 15, and I’ll battle it for the rest of my life. I get through each day because I know my triggers, I know my weaknesses, and I surround myself with people who are honest enough to tell me when there is legitimate cause for concern. I’m here today because I have great friends and family.

I have no qualifications to help anyone do anything. I can’t diagnose anything. Odds are I’ll only be able to talk in clichéd generalities, but I’ll be able to talk, and sometimes that’s all you need.

#nerdsunite

click here to follow Brandon on twitter & don't miss his blog over yonder!

Comments

[Jason]

I dug this. Refreshing to read about someone being so forthright about their complex inner world.

One of the smartest, most compassionate, and most dynamic people I ever knew suffered from bi-polar disorder. She tragically took her own life in her last year of medical school.

Keep rocking Brandon! Authenticity and tenacity are rare things in this world--and if you have them, like you do, you have a reason enough keep moving forward.