#NerdsUnite: I just graduated college!! But um, now what? ("My Brain is Broken")

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Megan. She recently just graduated from SDSU and is now entering the world with a fresh pair of eyes in a stinky economy. In these series of posts she will discuss her thoughts and discoveries as she ventures out into the real world. Hit it Meg!!! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @MegCorbs

Here is the 4th installment of what I loving call: Anxiety is an asshole that I kicked to the curb. First installment can be found here, 2nd here and 3rd here. I'm hoping that by sharing my story I can somehow help anyone dealing with anxiety and show you know that if I can beat it so can you!

******

When we last left off in the story I had turned into a mega-bitch with panic attacks galore and realized I needed help.

Getting help wasn't so easy for me. I was still under my parents health care plan so they would obviously need to know if I was seeing any doctors. My mom didn't understand what I was going though and kept telling me that I just needed to 'get better coping skills, or do yoga.'

I have been fighting this uphill battle for years and years. People that don't have anxiety don't understand it.

<side note> I had to go downstairs and sit with the bf while I wrote the rest of this. I didn't think that this part would affect me the most but reliving all the arguments and hurt words is incredible hard. I didn't realize how much I had shut out. Bring on the tears…. </side note>

The non-anxiety people (will call em the NA-ers) do get stressed but not to the point that the anxiety folks do. It's hard to explain why I can't just 'get over' something. This disease takes over your WHOLE LIFE. I mean, I was scared to leave my apartment. It's a chemical imbalance in your brain and not something that can easily be fixed (more on this in the next post)

I've had people tell me I was straight up crazy…that it was all in my head….that I was getting medicine because it 'was the cool thing to do' (that one I still don't get)….that I was an attention whore….that there is no such thing as anxiety syndromes…that I was too thin-skinned...that daddy didn't love me enough, etc

Even recently when Jen and I were at a party, this dude randomly tells me (not that I even cared nor wanted him talking to me), the three traits that a girl he dates can't have. One of them was if she was on anti-depressants. I sat there and fought with him telling him that I was on them but for anxiety (they are both in the same part of the brain. Once again, more on this in the next post). I told him that I am a much happier and better person now that I am on them and speak openly about this so that ignorant people didn't get the wrong impression. He didn't care and didn't want to hear it because to him we were all crazy.

What do I say to these people? Have ONE panic attack. Just one (while I've probably had hundreds) and then tell me again how you feel.

Angry? Ya, a little. Something I definitely need to get over and am working through. These posts and all of your kind words have helped enormously.

I'm going to leave you with the email I sent my mom (in '09) TRYING to get her to understand what I was going through. I honestly don't blame my mom at all. Once again I see how people don't get it, and to her credit after I sent this she immediately starting helping me find a Doctor. Oh and don't mind grammar/spelling I obviously wasn't worried about that at the time

mom,

So I am going to type what I need to say in an e-mail becuase I fell that when I try to talk to you in person about this my words get all mixed up. I don't understand why going on meds or talking to a therapist about my anxiety bothers you so much and why you make it sounds like it's something that I can just fix easily. I know you don't know exactly what it is I'm going through and it's hard to explain the thoughts that run through my head but mom I'm going to try my hardest right now. I'm anxious every single moment of every single day.  Not just when I have my panic attacks or when something big is coming up.  It consumes me.  It's hard for me to do simple things like go to the grocery store or even to class sometimes becuase I have such high feelings of anxiety that I can't explain or understand.  I know it's dumb and I know I shouldnt be anxious but I can't help it.  I get this tightness in my chest and I have to go over EVERY little step of what I have to do over it over and over in my head even if it's something i've done a million times.
For example, if i have to go to the market I'll think about it in class like this: after class I'll get in my car and then drive to the market but I dont want to take Friars becuase I'm afraid it will be too busy but then if i take the freeway that exit is hard to get off at.  I'll pull in the east entrance becuase it's easiest that way and park near longs.  I need to get this this and this and i'll start off in the vegetable section.  Hopefully there wont be long lines and i'll be able to find everything i need right away and then i need to pay and i dont want to go to the 10 items or less line even if that is the case because i think thats cash only and i dont want to make a mistake. I dont want to do the self checkout becuase im afraid i will do it wrong and people will look at me wierd. Then I need to load back up my car, take the cart back and drive back to my apartment, probably on friars this time and then park in the loading section to unload all the groceries and then move my car to its parking space and i hope i dont hit anything.
Now that is just ONE thing and something most poeple just do without thinking about it.  I'm just trying to tell you this so you can get a sense of what runs through my head everyday. I can't enjoy things anymore because im constantly worried about something.  Even the night I got into Australia I couldnt enjoy it becuase I had a bunch of tests that week and those were the only things I could think about. I couldnt even enjoy time with you guys.
The panic attacks are the worst. I can't breathe or think about concentrate on reality. it's like theres a million things running through my head at once and I can't seem to get a grasp on it. i feel like the whole world is just falling in on top of me.
This is why I want to go on medication.  I just want to know what it feels like to just feel normal. To not have to worry about stupid things like getting groceries and to enjoy my life. To be happy when I should be happy and push away the bad stuff when I don't need to think about it.  To not be scared everyday that I'm going to one day get a panic attack in class that I can't stop. 
I feel like you belittle me sometimes when I talk about it.  I understand that what you're going through right now with xxxxx and work is insane amounts of stress but that doesnt mean that my problems are any less. You have a brain that isnt broken and you can deal with it all like a normal person and I know that saying my brain is broken makes me sound like a little kid but thats how I feel.  My brain just doesnt work how it should and it's not something that can be solved with blood tests. So PLEASE mom don't say things to me like :"you need to get better coping skills" and "i have this and this going on talk about panic attacks" and "just take yoga or something" becuase its complex and hard and not easily solved because I would have done that already.
Mom, I love you so so so much and I know you have my best interest at heart and I'm only telling you this so you can get a sense of what is going on in my life and why I am the way I am.I also know im partly to blame because I havent been able to fully describe it to you.  Honestly, I'm embarresed with myself. I should have everything under control like I like to pretend I do.

Next up: Learning I'm not crazy or alone

#nerdsunite

Click here to follow Megan on twitter and check out her blog here

Want to take it out of 140 characters? Email: Mcorbett10@gmail.com

#NerdsUnite: I just graduated college!! But um, now what? (Agoraphobia and me)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Megan. She recently just graduated from SDSU and is now entering the world with a fresh pair of eyes in a stinky economy. In these series of posts she will discuss her thoughts and discoveries as she ventures out into the real world. Hit it Meg!!! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @MegCorbs

Here is the 2nd installment of what I loving call: Anxiety is an asshole that I kicked to the curb. First installment can be found here, 2nd here. I'm hoping that by sharing my story I can somehow help anyone dealing with anxiety and show you know that if I can beat it so can you!

******

When I left off in my story I had just had my massive panic attack. The first of many.

In the following years things started to get progressively worse. I was anxious 100% of the time and I couldn't stop worrying if my life depended on it. The occasional panic attacks became daily panic attacks which then led to agoraphobia.

Agoraphobia is "an anxiety disorder defined as a morbid fear of having a panic attack or panic-like symptoms in a situation where it is perceived to be difficult (or embarrassing) to escape" Thanks for that definition wikipedia!

I became a pro at feeling when my panic level was rising and escape to the nearest bathroom where I could sweat it out (literally) in peace but this didn't stop the anxiety of having one in class, on campus, at the grocery store, etc.

If I needed to go somewhere (and I would usually wait until the last possible second) I would try to drag someone with me and if I couldn't do that, then I would trace the steps of what I was going to do over and over in my head so as not to make a mistake and embarrass myself thus leading to panic attacks. To this day I still have the habit of doing this while waiting in line somewhere to order something. For example, I will say 'grande caramel macchiato' over and over and over in my head while waiting in line at Starbucks.

Looking back I should have known my repeat process was flawed. I am the CLUMSIEST person on the planet. So repeating my drink order over and over and over wasn't going to stop me from dropping my change while handing it to the barista.

All of this led to me turning into a MEGA-BITCH. When you are completely on edge (both physically and mentally) 24/7, anyone adding anything to that will set you off. I would CONSTANTLY snap on my friends. I was always irritated so it didn't take much.

Treating my friends like shit was the final straw. These people where the ones there for me (and still are) and I would turn bitch in a matter of seconds on them. Girls the best example I have of this that REALLY bad day of PMS where everything and everyone annoys you so you flip out easily. Yup that was this girl!

I knew that I needed help. If anything, just to leave my apartment without freaking out would be such a relief.

Next up: Convincing those who tell me "you just need to learn how to cope."

#nerdsunite

Click here to follow Megan on twitter and check out her blog here

Want to take it out of 140 characters? Email: Mcorbett10@gmail.com

#NerdsUnite: I just graduated college!! But um, now what? (I Have a Confession To Make...)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Megan. She recently just graduated from SDSU and is now entering the world with a fresh pair of eyes in a stinky economy. In these series of posts she will discuss her thoughts and discoveries as she ventures out into the real world. Hit it Meg!!! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @MegCorbs

I'm sorry TNTML community but there is a big part of my life I have been keeping from you. While insanely open about it in person I've been hesitant to put it out into the inter webs because it is so deeply personal to me (and I know how trolls work haha). But with the new year I want to start fresh and hopefully help people that are/were/might be going through the same thing as me.

So here goes nothing:

My name is Megan Corbett and I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder with underlying Depression, Panic Disorder and ADD.

I'm a big bag of fun, huh? ;)

While the depression was a HUGE part of my life (most of high school) I want to focus on the anxiety aspect because I know it hasn't been touched on too much here. If you have any questions about my depression though, feel free to tweet me (@MegCorbs). I'm ALWAYS here to help.

Anyways, back to my story. I've always been a little….skittish, for lack of a better term. I HATED going anywhere by myself. My family used to make fun of me because I would start crying if they made me order pizza (I hated talking to someone I didn't know and was constantly afraid of making an ass of myself).

This was all little stuff and because I was relatively sheltered it was never really noticeable. When my depression came on it my made my anxiety explode (the two usually go hand in hand…fun huh?) This was shown most in my STRONG opposition to getting my license.

I ended up waiting until I was 18 and absolutely HAD to because I was leaving for college in a matter of weeks. I used to get into intense screaming matches with my mom who didn't get why I didn't want to drive. To this day, nothing gives me more anxiety than driving, which is good times when you live in LA and have no choice but to drive everywhere.

At this time I had not experienced the loveliness that is the Panic Attack (that is to come in my next post) but definitely felt the physical aspects this disorder was taking on my body.

I was tense ALL THE TIME. I remember at 10 years old, my aunt who was a pediatrician was freaking out when she felt how tense I was in my back and this was at freaking TEN YEARS OLD!

WIth the tenseness comes the stomach aches. It feels like you have food poisoning that you can't get ride of. I would literally double over in pain and was too unaware of the situation to put two and two together. This also led to sweating issues. Sexy I know. I ALWAYS had pit stains so I would wear sweaters over everything. Which you know is needed when you live in sunny Southern California ;).

But the bitch of all the physical issues was definitely the insomnia. I cried multiple multiple times because I was exhausted but couldn't fall asleep due to my racing mind.

The physical issues had NOTHING on the mental ones. Worrying all the time, stressing, expecting the worse, etc. You can't shut your mind of or focus on something else if your life depended on it and there was ALWAYS something to stress about. Not just normal stuff like tests and fighting with friends but literally EVERYTHING. Even things I had no control over like random stuff going on with family or scenarios I would create in my mind. I was the queen of What If's.

Oh and then there were the tears, because of everything I just mentioned I was always on edge and easily set off. Basically, I cried a lot. Not at school or in public but man could I unleash when I got home. I would dive deep into my bed under tons of blankets and cry out my frustrations.

I didn't talk to anyone about what was going on in my mind because honestly pre-college I didn't know how to put it into words and more importantly know and understand that having insane anxiety can actually be a disorder.

The only thing that comforted me during all of this was burying myself in a book (hence my love of reading today). I could escape into someone else's world and drama even if only for a minute.

Next up: It gets REALLY interesting during my college years and the drama that was my very first panic attack.

Special thanks to @jenfriel @themayorpete @itsmejoolie @mymelodie @edgarva11es @thecraftafarian @anthalus @redheadintexas @thirstygirlfilm for encouraging me while I was writing this post. I love you all insane amounts!

#nerdsunite

Click here to follow Megan on twitter!

Want to take it out of 140 characters? Email: Mcorbett10@gmail.com