#NerdsUnite: I just graduated college!! But um, now what? (social media passive aggressiveness)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Megan. She recently just graduated from SDSU and is now entering the world with a fresh pair of eyes in a stinky economy. In these series of posts she will discuss her thoughts and discoveries as she ventures out into the real world. Hit it Meg!!! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @MegCorbs

I've come to realize that taking the high road is extremely hard when it comes to Social Media.

I've been an avid Twitter user for a few years now. My account is public, which means anyone can see what I tweet. When I'm irritated with someone or fighting with them it's SO easy to send one of "those tweets" out into the universe to let off some steam and give a quick metaphorical jab.

I'm ashamed to say I've ever done this, but I have. So what do I mean by "those tweets."

You know, the ones where EVERYONE knows what/who you're talking about without you actually having to say specifics. You might as well be calling them out (which would be less childish) but no, you choose to go the passive aggressive route.

These are the tweets/wall posts that say things like, "I swear I attract nothing but crazy people to me" and "it's sad you can't just figure your shit out." etc.

You KNOW the person is going to read them because we, especially the social media kids, have some sick need to see and monitor when people are talking shit and then most likely engage in it.

Taking the high road and ignoring this behavior when someone does it to you is especially hard when you lead a very public life. It gives the person free reign to attack anything you hold dear or love. Also for them to tweet/follow/whatever people that you engage with on a daily basis.

I've been personally (well without being called out directly) attacked over classifying myself as a nerd. How it's just a trend and that I'm not really one. For me, this is hurtful because I've been a nerd my whole life and I've finally found an outlet and a group of people where I can embrace it instead of hiding from it. The person that did the passive aggressive tweeting knew all of this because I had tweeted about in the past. See how it works?

P.S. I totally get the irony about sharing this example without naming the person....

We need to stop the passive aggressiveness in social media. In the long run it doesn't make you feel any better and just shows how bitter and angry you are. Living well is the best revenge and you can't do that if you are focused on a person who isn't worth your time.

So next time you want to send out a jab to someone through Facebook or Twitter, just remember that YOU'RE BETTER THAN THAT. No stalking their social media channels either!

#nerdsunite

Click here to follow Megan on twitter and check out her blog here

#NerdsUnite: I just graduated college!! But um, now what? (New year, new job, new home)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Megan. She recently just graduated from SDSU and is now entering the world with a fresh pair of eyes in a stinky economy. In these series of posts she will discuss her thoughts and discoveries as she ventures out into the real world. Hit it Meg!!! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @MegCorbs

2012 has ALREADY been a year of fresh starts.

Aside from the obvious start of the new year, I started a new job. It's not what I thought I'd be doing but honestly, I'm really liking it so far. I'm learning a TON (something that hasn't happened at a job in a LONG time) which keeps me happy and my boss is a fellow nerd. During the interview we talked comic books and that's how he said he knew me and him would get along. Nerds stick together! He also has brought in a ton of comics/graphic novels he wants me to read so I have a little library next to my desk!

It feels good to be working 40 hr weeks again. Believe it or not, I like working. Accomplishing shit just feels oh so good and I'm at a co-work space which means that I am surrounded by awesome people who do a variety of different things. It has such a cool energy and it's nice to be interacting with people all day long that you don't actually work with. No drama! Yay!

I also moved in with my boyfriend of almost 3 years. While to some this doesn't seem like that big of a deal, to me it was HUGE. Up until I started dating this kid, I was a commitment-phobe and would find reasons to stop talking to a guy after only a few dates. Not something I'm proud of, but luckily I got a few awesome guy friends out of it.

Anyways, it took me bailing on him, leaving the country for six months, me begging him to talk to me again and a few really amazing dates for us to finally become "official." We have our shared of ups and downs and a year of us talking about moving in together to us finally taking the plunge. I've honestly never been happier. I love waking up and falling asleep to not only the man I love but my best friend. Cheesy, but whatever, it took me awhile to get here and I'm not going to apologize. ;)

So far 2012, I like the changes you're doing to this girl so you better not end in a giant ball of fire or anything....

#nerdsunite

Click here to follow Megan on twitter and check out her blog here

#NerdsUnite: I just graduated college!! But um, now what? (Me Now)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Megan. She recently just graduated from SDSU and is now entering the world with a fresh pair of eyes in a stinky economy. In these series of posts she will discuss her thoughts and discoveries as she ventures out into the real world. Hit it Meg!!! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @MegCorbs

Here is the 6th installment of what I loving call: Anxiety is an asshole that I kicked to the curb. First installment can be found here, 2nd here 3rd here  4th here 5th here. I'm hoping that by sharing my story I can somehow help anyone dealing with anxiety and show you that if I can beat it so can you!

******

Last post I had talked about FINALLY getting help and the ways I went about getting it.

So where am I now?

I honestly have good days and bad (more good though!) but am much more in control of my emotions. I can feel when I get anxious and will walk myself through it. By putting the situation into perspective, and asking myself why I am feeling anxious at this exact moment, I can usually calm myself down.

I only have around 2 panic attacks a year when something REALLY crazy happens. To go from at least one a day to only two a year is just such a gift. I know one day it will be ZERO a year!

I found it really important to surround myself with people who are upfront and honest with me. My best friends, family and BF will ALL call me out when I'm acting like a crazy anxious person and I love them for it. By doing this they help me get back to the REAL me not the anxiety me.

Thank you EVERYONE for all of the tweets/emails/DMs/texts. I was INSANELY terrified to tell my story. Most people don't know how in depth it really goes. But through it all I was able to help some people who are currently dealing with this crazy disease.

My long term goal is to eventually speak to teens about my experiences and hopefully help them get the help they need. An awesome tweep (you know who you are and thank you) has recommend To Write Love on Her Arms which is an awesome organization for teen anxiety, depression and self-harm awareness.

You can quote me on this: I WILL be giving talks one day. TAKE THAT ANXIETY!

Now I'm going to leave you with a video of something I NEVER thought I would do and while you watch it think of something (it doesn't have to be anxiety) that is holding you back. Now tell that thing/person/incident/disease to take a hike. Life is too short to life it for anyone/anything else but YOU!

#nerdsunite

Click here to follow Megan on twitter and check out her blog here

Want to take it out of 140 characters? Email: Mcorbett10@gmail.com

#NerdsUnite: I just graduated college!! But um, now what? (Dr. Dr. Can You Tell Me the News)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Megan. She recently just graduated from SDSU and is now entering the world with a fresh pair of eyes in a stinky economy. In these series of posts she will discuss her thoughts and discoveries as she ventures out into the real world. Hit it Meg!!! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @MegCorbs

Here is the 5th installment of what I loving call: Anxiety is an asshole that I kicked to the curb. First installment can be found here, 2nd here 3rd here and 4th here. I'm hoping that by sharing my story I can somehow help anyone dealing with anxiety and show you that if I can beat it so can you!

******

My last post left off with me convincing my mom I needed help.

After I talked to my mom, I scheduled an appointment with Dr. R, who came highly recommended by a friend. To say I was nervous the days leading up the the appointment was an understatement. But the second I met her I felt this odd calm. She was so incredibly sweet and soft-spoken.

We had an hour and a half session and in that time she just let me talk about my past and present issues with anxiety and depression. I ended up balling like a baby because most of the stuff I was telling her, I hadn't talked to anyone about…EVER.  Then she explained that I'm not a freak and why I was feeling the way I was.

In most cases depression and anxiety go hand in hand and while I was able to kick the depression, the anxiety chose to stick around, which is usually what happens. Due to my CONSTANT anxiety I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder which is an anxiety disorder that is characterized by excessive, uncontrollable and often irrational worry about everyday things that is disproportionate to the actual source of worry. This excessive worry often interferes with daily functioning, as individuals suffering GAD typically anticipate disaster, and are overly concerned about everyday matters such as health issues, money, death, family problems, friend problems, relationship problems or work difficulties (thanks for that definition Wikipedia).

Remember how I mentioned all the horrible physical issues I was having too because of the anxiety? Here is a list that Wikipedia gives: Individuals often exhibit a variety of physical symptoms, including fatigue, fidgeting, headaches,nausea, numbness in hands and feet, muscle tension, muscle aches, difficulty swallowing, bouts of difficulty breathing, difficulty concentrating,trembling, twitching, irritability, agitation, sweating, restlessness, insomnia, hot flashes, and rashes and inability to fully control the anxiety.

Fun, huh?

As far as the panic attacks go, she explained that it is basically your body unnecessarily triggering your Fight or Flight reflex.

By the end of the appointment she had tentatively diagnosed me with G.A.D., panic disorder and underlying depression and prescribed me a low dose of an SSRI (Selective Serotonin Re-Uptake Inhibitors) with instructions to come back often in the next couple of months to regulate the drug and get the dosage just right.

While I am no doctor, here is what Dr. R was able to explain to me and I'll try my best to explain to you. Basically people with anxiety are known to get sudden surges of serotonin (a neurotransmitter) and SSRI's help to level it out and have a constant flow. The reason they also work with depression is it ups the serotonin that is most likely lacking.

The SSRI she prescribed is called Zoloft, which I have to take daily. While it is an anti-depressant it targets the same area of the brain as depression, anxiety and PTSD. With my history of depression she felt like it would be best to go this route, instead of just a straight up anxiety medicine, as a preventative measure.

She was awesome when she prescribed it to me and explained EVERYTHING in detail. Not in a way too dumbed down that it offends me way but in a I'm sorry you're going through this and I'll show how this will help way. Of all the SSRI's it's best to start with Zoloft. I was INCREDIBLY lucky to have the first prescription work without any bad side effects. Usually it takes a little playing around to find the right pill and dose (the dosage did take a few months though). The reason most doctors start with Zoloft is because it is in the middle of the scale. She explained it like there is the chamomile tea of SSRI's all the way to the Red Bull's and Zoloft is in the middle.

I also got a prescription for Lorazepam (it's similar to Xanax) but I didn't like it. Dr. R wanted me to take it to stop the panic attacks that would still happen until the Zoloft got completely into my system (takes up to a month). These medicines are just a short-term fix, so be careful if you are prescribed them because they can be habit forming. The Lorazepam just made me fall asleep so while it was nice to have while I was still getting panic attacks I didn't like the way it made me feel and I haven't taken it in years.

A lot of people look down on using medicine for mental health. While I agree that it isn't a quick fix, it is nothing to be simply dismissed. In addition to my medicine, I've had to do a LOT of soul searching and finding an outlet when I'm anxious (reading and writing). But for me, medicine saved my life. I don't care how over-the-top it sounds, the daily panic attacks were taking a HUGE toll on my body.

One of my biggest pet peeves is when people think medicine for anxiety, depression, etc is a joke, or doesn't work or there is a better way. If you don't/didn't need it, than that's fantastic! But when you say harsh words about something that could potentially help someone, you don't know the long term ramifications you can have on people that it CAN help. I personally would have been AT LEAST ONE YEAR ahead of where I am now.

Remember it is YOUR mental health. No one is in your head but you! Don't let anyone push you INTO OR AWAY from something that affects only you. I'm not writing this to be pro-medicine but anti-anxiety. Medicine and even writing these series of posts as helped me, but what is going to help you?

The medicine hasn't changed who I am. It has just made me a happier and healthier person. It took away the bitchiness and agoraphobia and let me LIVE LIFE again.  One day I do hope to get off of the medicine, but until then I'm just so incredibly grateful to have a handle of my life, not something I could have said a few years ago.

Next Up: Me Now.

#nerdsunite

Click here to follow Megan on twitter and check out her blog here

Want to take it out of 140 characters? Email: Mcorbett10@gmail.com

#NerdsUnite: I just graduated college!! But um, now what? ("My Brain is Broken")

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Megan. She recently just graduated from SDSU and is now entering the world with a fresh pair of eyes in a stinky economy. In these series of posts she will discuss her thoughts and discoveries as she ventures out into the real world. Hit it Meg!!! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @MegCorbs

Here is the 4th installment of what I loving call: Anxiety is an asshole that I kicked to the curb. First installment can be found here, 2nd here and 3rd here. I'm hoping that by sharing my story I can somehow help anyone dealing with anxiety and show you know that if I can beat it so can you!

******

When we last left off in the story I had turned into a mega-bitch with panic attacks galore and realized I needed help.

Getting help wasn't so easy for me. I was still under my parents health care plan so they would obviously need to know if I was seeing any doctors. My mom didn't understand what I was going though and kept telling me that I just needed to 'get better coping skills, or do yoga.'

I have been fighting this uphill battle for years and years. People that don't have anxiety don't understand it.

<side note> I had to go downstairs and sit with the bf while I wrote the rest of this. I didn't think that this part would affect me the most but reliving all the arguments and hurt words is incredible hard. I didn't realize how much I had shut out. Bring on the tears…. </side note>

The non-anxiety people (will call em the NA-ers) do get stressed but not to the point that the anxiety folks do. It's hard to explain why I can't just 'get over' something. This disease takes over your WHOLE LIFE. I mean, I was scared to leave my apartment. It's a chemical imbalance in your brain and not something that can easily be fixed (more on this in the next post)

I've had people tell me I was straight up crazy…that it was all in my head….that I was getting medicine because it 'was the cool thing to do' (that one I still don't get)….that I was an attention whore….that there is no such thing as anxiety syndromes…that I was too thin-skinned...that daddy didn't love me enough, etc

Even recently when Jen and I were at a party, this dude randomly tells me (not that I even cared nor wanted him talking to me), the three traits that a girl he dates can't have. One of them was if she was on anti-depressants. I sat there and fought with him telling him that I was on them but for anxiety (they are both in the same part of the brain. Once again, more on this in the next post). I told him that I am a much happier and better person now that I am on them and speak openly about this so that ignorant people didn't get the wrong impression. He didn't care and didn't want to hear it because to him we were all crazy.

What do I say to these people? Have ONE panic attack. Just one (while I've probably had hundreds) and then tell me again how you feel.

Angry? Ya, a little. Something I definitely need to get over and am working through. These posts and all of your kind words have helped enormously.

I'm going to leave you with the email I sent my mom (in '09) TRYING to get her to understand what I was going through. I honestly don't blame my mom at all. Once again I see how people don't get it, and to her credit after I sent this she immediately starting helping me find a Doctor. Oh and don't mind grammar/spelling I obviously wasn't worried about that at the time

mom,

So I am going to type what I need to say in an e-mail becuase I fell that when I try to talk to you in person about this my words get all mixed up. I don't understand why going on meds or talking to a therapist about my anxiety bothers you so much and why you make it sounds like it's something that I can just fix easily. I know you don't know exactly what it is I'm going through and it's hard to explain the thoughts that run through my head but mom I'm going to try my hardest right now. I'm anxious every single moment of every single day.  Not just when I have my panic attacks or when something big is coming up.  It consumes me.  It's hard for me to do simple things like go to the grocery store or even to class sometimes becuase I have such high feelings of anxiety that I can't explain or understand.  I know it's dumb and I know I shouldnt be anxious but I can't help it.  I get this tightness in my chest and I have to go over EVERY little step of what I have to do over it over and over in my head even if it's something i've done a million times.
For example, if i have to go to the market I'll think about it in class like this: after class I'll get in my car and then drive to the market but I dont want to take Friars becuase I'm afraid it will be too busy but then if i take the freeway that exit is hard to get off at.  I'll pull in the east entrance becuase it's easiest that way and park near longs.  I need to get this this and this and i'll start off in the vegetable section.  Hopefully there wont be long lines and i'll be able to find everything i need right away and then i need to pay and i dont want to go to the 10 items or less line even if that is the case because i think thats cash only and i dont want to make a mistake. I dont want to do the self checkout becuase im afraid i will do it wrong and people will look at me wierd. Then I need to load back up my car, take the cart back and drive back to my apartment, probably on friars this time and then park in the loading section to unload all the groceries and then move my car to its parking space and i hope i dont hit anything.
Now that is just ONE thing and something most poeple just do without thinking about it.  I'm just trying to tell you this so you can get a sense of what runs through my head everyday. I can't enjoy things anymore because im constantly worried about something.  Even the night I got into Australia I couldnt enjoy it becuase I had a bunch of tests that week and those were the only things I could think about. I couldnt even enjoy time with you guys.
The panic attacks are the worst. I can't breathe or think about concentrate on reality. it's like theres a million things running through my head at once and I can't seem to get a grasp on it. i feel like the whole world is just falling in on top of me.
This is why I want to go on medication.  I just want to know what it feels like to just feel normal. To not have to worry about stupid things like getting groceries and to enjoy my life. To be happy when I should be happy and push away the bad stuff when I don't need to think about it.  To not be scared everyday that I'm going to one day get a panic attack in class that I can't stop. 
I feel like you belittle me sometimes when I talk about it.  I understand that what you're going through right now with xxxxx and work is insane amounts of stress but that doesnt mean that my problems are any less. You have a brain that isnt broken and you can deal with it all like a normal person and I know that saying my brain is broken makes me sound like a little kid but thats how I feel.  My brain just doesnt work how it should and it's not something that can be solved with blood tests. So PLEASE mom don't say things to me like :"you need to get better coping skills" and "i have this and this going on talk about panic attacks" and "just take yoga or something" becuase its complex and hard and not easily solved because I would have done that already.
Mom, I love you so so so much and I know you have my best interest at heart and I'm only telling you this so you can get a sense of what is going on in my life and why I am the way I am.I also know im partly to blame because I havent been able to fully describe it to you.  Honestly, I'm embarresed with myself. I should have everything under control like I like to pretend I do.

Next up: Learning I'm not crazy or alone

#nerdsunite

Click here to follow Megan on twitter and check out her blog here

Want to take it out of 140 characters? Email: Mcorbett10@gmail.com