#NerdsUnite: Comfort zone be gone!

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Chelsea. She's a newbie to our loverly state of California and is currently trying to find her own voice and find her own way. Gosh, aren't we all??? She's here today to talk about her journey in life, love, and all things nerd.  I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT CHELSEA!!</editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @chelofthesea

For some reason, I've hit a wall in my writing lately. Every time I sit down to write a post or take my journal out to write or even sit down at work to draft up some template emails...nothing comes out. I don't know what is going on. Every now and then I hit these rough patches and I can't seem to get anything onto paper. And I must say, my well-being greatly declines! Writing is good for my soul. 

My journey with writing began when I was just a wee lass... The first real memory I have of even thinking about writing was after watching Harriet the Spy.  At six years old, I knew I needed a journal of my own. Throughout elementary school I had loads of diaries, in which I would only fill a couple pages of before discarding it and moving on to the next one. Finding these childhood musings are hilarious, because as ridiculous as they are, it's awesome to realize I was already using writing as an outlet before I even knew what it meant to have an outlet. I was writing about being frustrated with my younger brother, about the cute boy at school who just didn't seem to notice me, and about how much I hated having to move away from the house I was born in. Around this same time, my mom also had me start journaling every night, making a list of a few things I was thankful for. Since we didn't grow up with religion or prayer, I think this was my mom's way of reminding us to reflect and be grateful for the lives we were given. (Ah, what a wonderful woman she was. Seriously, anything good in me is thanks to having her.)

Moving onto middle school, I slipped into my emo phase and writing became even more important to me.  During this time, journaling moved from the random pink and purple diaries, adorned with Lisa Frank stickers and hand drawn hearts, littered about my room, to an online platform. I was an avid blogger before I even knew the word blogging existed. I started off writing on a wbeiste called Blurty (because Xanga was for the weird goth girls or the Asians, and I was clearly an emo kid) before moving on to Livejournal in high school. I really don't know how I would have made it through middle school without my Blurty. Not only was it somewhere I updated about my daily life: who I was hanging out with, what was going on at school, how frustrating it was to be in love with your best friend who didn't love you back, etc. It also served a place for me to process my mom's disease and what it meant to be losing your mom at such a young age. Looking back through those entries breaks my heart but also amazes because I was so aware of how I would feel. With each sentence I wrote, I knew how much it was going to hurt and I was preparing myself for it. I remember at one point my mom found my online journal and started leaving anonymous comments -- when I found out it was her I was SO PISSED and felt like my privacy had been violated. This is probably a sign of how private I would be about my writing even as I got older. This Blurty was also a platform for me to try out more creative forms of writing... There is definitely a poem or two published on there, a writing form I wouldn't revisit until college.

High school is when writing became a more consistent part of my daily life. Not only was I writing in my Livejournal on a daily basis, but I was also on the school newspaper, and acted as editor-in-chief for three years. This gave me the chance to write in a more public way than ever before. Of course, I wrote typical news articles, covering the girl's tennis team and the change in cafeteria policy, but I was also able to share my opinions. As someone who was raised to share her opinions and not just accept the status-quo it was so liberating and exciting to finally have a platform where I can explain my beliefs and people would read them! Thinking back, I'm sure nobody read my column. Keeping up with my Livejournal also provides me a way of remembering exactly what it felt like to be me at that time: dealing with the death of my mom and falling in love for the first time.

College is sort of the dark-ages when it comes to my affair with the written word. Though I started off as a Journalism major, I no longer viewed writing as something to be done for pleasure. This was ultimately the reason I dropped journalism and picked up psychology, along with realizing you don't need a journalism degree to be a writer. I never want writing to be a chore... It's far too important to my sanity to be something I don't enjoy doing in my free time as well. After realizing this and shifting my vision on my craft, I once again started to enjoy writing. I bought a journal and vowed to write in it until I filled up every page. To carry it with me no matter what. (I just pulled it out of my purse and looked back at the first entry, dated in August 2010). While it still isn't full, it's always with me and I continue to write in it on a frequent basis. But not frequent enough.

All this being said, what I’ve discovered is that even with my writing I'm falling into a comfort zone. Writing for TNTML has weirdly tricked my mind into thinking that I'm doing enough. That I'm processing enough through my weekly posts. That there is no need for more writing. But I couldn't be more wrong. Writing is about more than just having other people read it, it's the way in which I learn the most about myself. Honestly, I've had more realizations about who I am and what I want and why I do what I do while writing than I have doing anything else. Sitting at the beach, journal and chai in hand is probably when I am most at peace. But at the same time, randomly pulling out my journal at a red light to jot down a thought is equally as vital to who I am as Chelsea. The written word connects with me on this other level I can't even explain. I know I'm not an incredible writer. I wish my mastery over language was stronger. But this is all something I’m working on!

 So as I push myself out of my comfort zone in extrinsic ways, I need to focus on pushing myself intrinsically as well. Most of the ways I have challenged myself are in ways others can hold me accountable so I am a little scared to try something that others won’t know if I'm succeeding at or not. But I want to write more; I'm tired of feeling like a phony when telling people I'm a writer. So here’s the plan: I am going to try and write every single day, and writing for work does not count. Before bed, I will pull my journal out and pour out whatever comes to mind. I love the practice of stream of consciousness writing. It's not only great for your creativity but also so good to just see where your mind goes. I am also going to work on reaching out to other blogs and seeing if I can contribute anywhere else. TNTML is the perfect place to write about the journey about coming out of my comfort zone, but there are so many sides to me and I really miss sharing my opinion on social issues so I hope to find a place to share those. If not, I'll keep them on my personal blog (which I am going to start updating with all of these posts and old writing from high school/college). I also want to give myself the freedom to write more creatively, whether that means poetry or fiction, I don't really know. But it's going to happen and I can't wait. Oh, and as an aside to this I'm going to start reading more. Basically every time I go through a writing dry spell, I also pull back on how much I read.  Friends, you will all know when I'm writing more regularly because I am so much more in touch with myself and overall a better version of Chelsea.

What do you nerds to do as a way of processing and being more in touch with your true self? Tweet me! I want to hear about it. And please please please send me book suggestions.

#nerdsunite

click here to follow Chelsea on twitter!

#NerdsUnite: Comfort zone be gone!

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Chelsea. She's a newbie to our loverly state of California and is currently trying to find her own voice and find her own way. Gosh, aren't we all??? She's here today to talk about her journey in life, love, and all things nerd. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT CHELSEA!!</editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @chelofthesea

Fears are like assholes – everyone’s got ‘em! But what exactly is fear? It’s an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat. Some of the most common are heights, public speaking, spiders, snakes, and closed spaces. Many of these fears are actually evolutionary and help to keep us safe. For example, being afraid of a snake makes you less likely to get bit by one because you’re not going to run up and pet it like you would someone’s pug walking down the beach. (Side note – what if we walked snakes? Weird but I kinda like the image of that.)

Lucky for us, most people are able to distinguish between which fears are rational and irrational and don’t cross into the world of having a phobia. A good example of this is being scared of heights. This is beneficial because it keeps us from standing on the ledges of 100 story buildings, but we understand that going up an escalator to the second story of the mall is completely safe and do it without even a second thought.

I’ve talked about some of my fears before, which have to do with going out in public alone and meeting new people. These are both things I’ve worked on in the last 6 months and that I’m happy to say I’ve gotten over for the most part. Of course, I still get wicked awkward when I’m in a group of people I don’t know but I’ve learned to own me and just go for it and I must say it’s doing me well.

But this week I’m here to talk about an entirely other people – kind of similar to one of the earliest posts I wrote for TNTML. Ya see, one big fear of mine is sleeping alone. No, I don’t mean this in the “I need someone to snuggle with. My bed feels so empty when I’m alone.” No way –this girl LOVES her space when it comes to sleep. If I cuddle you while we sleep you can assume it means I really like you. I’m all about being intertwined before and after the actual sleep but I get way too hot when I’m sleeping to have someone else all up in my grill.

Anyway, I digress. So yes – sleeping alone is something that terrifies me, almost to the point of it being an irrational fear. Once in high school my dad was in the hospital for nearly a month, my mom had passed away, and my brother was staying with family in Indiana so I had the house to myself. My best friends had been staying with me nearly every night, and trust that we were getting into all sorts of trouble, but there was one night they couldn’t so I asked my boyfriend at the time if he would and you know what he said? No! First off, what dumb ass teenager wouldn’t take advantage of having an empty house? Probably the first of many signs I needed to end things with him. I remember getting in a huge fight about it and I actually wound up on the phone with him all night arguing, which was totally a manipulative move on my part to avoid having to sleep alone. Another time in college, my roommates were both out of town and I had to sleep alone? This time my tactic was to leave all the lights on and stack chairs in front of the door. That way if someone broke in, at least it would make enough noise to wake me up. I understand all of this makes me sound crazy but it’s just the truth. I’m a heavy sleeper and I’m almost positive someone could break in and steal everything in my bedroom without me even noticing.

Besides those two instances, I’ve been able to avoid sleeping alone for all of my life. But a couple weeks ago I was asked to dogsit/housesit at this amazing house in Hermosa Beach. (I’m actually sitting on their rooftop right now! Ahhh what an amazing view to have behind my laptop screen! And I’m working on evening out my farmer’s tan. Lovely.) After I agreed to do the job I realized that it meant I had to sleep alone. My first instinct was to try and convince a friend to stay with me the entire time, or find some way to avoid sleeping at the house…. Maybe just staying till bed time then leaving to my house where there would be other people.

But in an effort to stick with the theme of forcing myself out of my comfort zone, I bit the bullet and decided to sleep here alone. No craziness. Just embracing the fact that people have to do this and why avoid the inevitable? Everyone sleeps alone at some point! Well guess what? I’ve slept here three nights without being murdered! Honestly, there’s probably something weirdly wrong with me and I should go see someone to talk about how scared I am of being attacked by an intruder, but right now I’m going to ignore all that and just celebrate the fact that I’ve successfully given my fear the finger and slept alone in this big ol’ house! The first night I was really anxious and woke up every few hours but since then I’ve been able to sleep all the way through the night. YESSSSSS. I know this is lame but I’m really fucking stoked on it. Even the amount of times I play through all the possible scenarios continues to decrease. I’m such a believer in immersion. If you’re scared, just DO IT. Talking about it isn’t going to get you anywhere and this is proof that it works!

Alright, now that I’ve lost all my cool points (like I ever had any) let’s pretend I faced some way better fear, like swimming with the sharks or learning to swallow swords. Swallow... Ha...

#nerdsunite

click here to follow Chelsea on twitter!

#NerdsUnite: Comfort zone be gone!

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Chelsea. She's a newbie to our loverly state of California and is currently trying to find her own voice and find her own way. Gosh, aren't we all??? She's here today to talk about her journey in life, love, and all things nerd.  I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT CHELSEA!!</editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @chelofthesea

Almost every week when I sit down to write my post, I have a solid idea in my mind of what I am going to write about. I’ve usually jotted down some notes in my phone about it. I’ve usually constructed sentences for it while in the shower (man… I should be thinking of dirtier things in the shower, huh?) or on my drive to work. But, almost every week, as I’m writing the post, pouring my thoughts out, I hit a brick wall. Literally halfway through a post I make the decision that this is not what I want/need to be writing about and cannot continue. It’s like all of a sudden something in my brain clicks and I realize there is something else dying to get out of my brain. So I save my half post and move on…

This week was no different. Today at work, I knew exactly what I was going to write about when I got home. I had a half post I wanted to add to and was ready to work on but after hearing myself say a sentence, for the second time in twenty-four hours, and not being happy about it, I decided this was what I needed to talk about this week.

What is the sentence you ask? “I’m not going to do it. But if I saw someone else do it, I would be totally jealous and wish I’d been ballsy enough to.”

What were these in reference to? 1) I was talking about buying some fun glasses to add to my rotation of frames.  2) Asking a dude out on a date via Twitter.

Let’s talk about each of these.

1) This is probably such a silly, girly thing to worry about. If you like a pair of glasses, why the hell not go for it and order them? As someone who wears glasses every single day (to help me see, not just for decoration), they have become a way I identify myself/my personal style. So I wanted to order a pair of glasses that were different than what I’m used to and literally said out loud to my friends that I wasn’t going to order them because I didn’t think I’d have the balls to wear them, but that if I saw someone else wearing them I’d be so pissed I hadn’t just gone for it. After I said this I didn’t really think about it – just moved on with my day and forgot about it all together.

2) I was joking with my friends about asking a guy on a date via Twitter. This would not only have been the first time I asked a dude on a date via social media, but it would be the first time I asked a guy out in general. I’m all about saying fuck gender roles but there’s something to be said about the tradition of a guy asking a girl out. I will do my best to make it known I’m diggin your dougie* but I’d like you to make the first move. (After that, I’ll make all kinds of first moves, though, no worries.) I decided against doing so for a multitude of reasons, but again I found myself saying that I’d have nothing but praise for a girl who did in fact have the balls to go for it. Ie: Ms. Jen Friel. But c’mon her life and my life are worlds apart. She has the luxury of asking dudes out via Twitter, I have yet to gain that.

This got me thinking (realizing I say this in almost every post) about why I don’t do things I want to do. No, I can’t make a blanket statement and say I never do anything I want. Very rarely do I allow fear to have any say in the decisions I make but every now and then it creeps its way into my mind and commands me to listen. But what I’m really thinking about is whether or not this is a bad thing. After I basically pussied out of both of those things, I was pissed at myself. But maybe I wasn’t pussying out… Maybe my rational mind was just making judgment calls and the Chelsea in the moment didn’t want to agree with them.

After trying to determine which of these was true, I’ve come to the conclusion that it is a combination. As far as the glasses go, I’m just being dumb and worrying about what other people will think of how they look. But ya know what? Fuck it. I like those glasses and I’m the one who has to wear them. Don’t like ‘em? Don’t look at my face! I bet they don’t like you either. Okay I just want to clarify that I understand making the decision on what glasses to buy is really not that serious and I’ve turned it into something so much more but this absurd internal dialogue is helping me learn more about myself and you can’t blame a girl for embracing that.

As far as the extreme flirting on Twitter, I think it was my brain exhibiting self-control. Sure, had it resulted in the dude being psyched and us kickin’ it, I would have been pretty damn excited, but it wasn’t worth the risk. Sometimes we have to calculate what we want, and what it’s worth. Worth being embarrassed the next time I saw the person? Nope. Worth dealing with rejection when my confidence has been at an all-time high lately? Nope. Worth ruining a possible friendship? No. So I let it go. Also, I think I want to take my dating life to the real world a bit more.  I’ll go into details about that statement another day but just know, asking someone out on Twitter was not the right thing for me to do today. But maybe one day it will be.

All of that being said, I’ve decided that I can’t always use the cop out that I “don’t have the balls” to do something, because thanks to my second X chromosome, I will in fact never have balls. Guess this means I’m off to order a new pair of glasses and see what happens with the cute fella. Waiting is part of the fun anyway, right?

*Diggin your/his/her/my dougie is a phrase one of my dear friends started saying about a year ago. It means someone is romantically interested or attracted to someone else. At first, I criticized her and refused to give in. I constantly made fun of her for saying it and swore it sounded like some new sex position. But lately I find myself using it and non-stop and not able to find a better phrase to describe what I mean. So this is me waving my white flag and saying you, my lovely friend stuck in a flyover state, you win this one.

#nerdsunite

click here to follow Chelsea on twitter!

#NerdsUnite: Comfort zone be gone!

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Chelsea. She's a newbie to our loverly state of California and is currently trying to find her own voice and find her own way. Gosh, aren't we all??? She's here today to talk about her journey in life, love, and all things nerd.  I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT CHELSEA!!</editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @chelofthesea

Friday is a big day for me… Not only am I going to be in the TNTML Live Show, which is a huge step out of my comfort zone, but it’s also my mom’s birthday.

With that being said I felt like there was nothing more appropriate to talk about this week than my mom, and specifically 4 lessons I learned from my mom having cancer.

First let me back track and give you some context to my mom being sick. Before middle school, I had literally the picture perfect life. My parents were so in love, my younger brother and I did well in school and participated in extracurriculars, we lived in a lovely middle-class house, we had great relationships with extended family, and things were as wonderful as you could ever image. But one day in the summer after 6^th grade, my mom went to the doctor because she’d be in having some serious pain in her lower back. When she got home that afternoon, none of us expected to hear the news she had to share: She had been diagnosed with Stage 4 rectal cancer. This battle went on for the next three and a half years. My mom tried every treatment regimen the doctors knew, but nothing seemed to work. At times she was forced to wear diapers, had blisters all over her body, couldn’t eat without getting sick, had a to carry a chemo pack around her waist that dripped into her bloodstream 24/7, and this list goes on. After fighting non-stop for her life, my mom passed away in March of 2006.

But that’s not what this story is about… it’s about the fact that no matter what, my mom managed to laugh all the time, she continued to surround herself with the people she loved, and no matter what life through her way (some crazy stuff happened during these years besides her being sick), she made every day as great as she possibly could. And the lessons I learned from her have not only made me who I am today, but help me in getting out of my comfort zone and remembering to live my life to the fullest.

1. Always own who you are and what your situation is, no matter what anyone else thinks: So, one huge side effect of my mom having rectal cancer was that she had to have a colostomy bag. When she first got it, I was super embarrassed and didn’t really want my friends to know because then they would think I was weird or something like that. Ya know, flawed logic of a 12-year-old. But what I never really thought about (at the time) was how tough that had to be for my mom! I can’t imagine what that would do to your self-esteem. Can you imagine trying to feel sexy with a colostomy bag? I can barely feel sexy when I think my hair is a little too frizzy. But somehow my mom managed to own it. Sometimes things would smell funky (as you can imagine comes with the territory) or she would be pulled aside in airports for physical pat downs… but she never let this get to her. When people asked questions, she was totally open and didn’t feel the need to hide it. Having the bag was keeping her alive, so screw you if you had a problem with it. This is something I need to practice in my own life… At times I am surrounded by people who don’t necessarily understand who I am or why I do what I do with my life… There are people I would die if I found out they read my posts or freak out if they found out I kissed a boy at the bar on Saturday. But ya know what? Fuck that. Life isn’t about pleasing others. It’s about OWNING who you are.

2. Don’t take yourself too seriously: Honestly, this must have been one of my mom’s mantras. I will tell you a ridiculous story to help illustrate it for you. At one point in her treatment, my mom lost all her hair. I mean…she was COMPLETELY bald. At first, she was wearing wigs and bandanas to try and seem more “normal” for my brother and me, but eventually we convinced her to rock the Natalie Portman look. She always joked that she had a weird shaped head but no way. That’s a tough look to pull off, but she managed. Anyway, I digress – back when she was wearing the wig, she had gone to vote at a local polling station. Because we lived in South Florida, it was my mom and 50+ senior citizens. They all waited in line, which was took forever, when all of a sudden some OFF DUTY police officer came in and cut them all in line. Needless to say (if you know me at all), my mom didn’t take a lot of crap from people so she went to the front and asked why exactly he got to cut in line since he was off duty, and wasn’t it only fair he waited in line like the others. When the poll worker responded in a catty tone, letting my mom know she had no reason to complain and that he was a hero – my mom pulled her wig off in front of everyone and yelled “I HAVE CANCER. IF THAT DOESN’T GET ME TO THE FRONT OF THE LINE, I DON’T KNOW WHAT WILL.” The entire group of old people cheered her on… This didn’t result in anything changing. She still had to wait in line, and the dude still got to vote ahead of everyone else. But ya know what? She didn’t take herself too seriously and made her point because of it. There are so many examples of this, but this just so happens to be one of my favorites. Whenever I feel embarrassed or start to take myself too seriously, I try to remember that sometimes you just gotta rip your wig off in a room full of old people!  

3. Say whatever the hell you want to say: My mom never struggled with words. She expressed herself more often than most people, even before she was sick.  But having cancer and knowing that she didn’t have much time left made my mom even ballsier. She would tell people exactly how she felt! At times, this was great and made her relationships immensely stronger, other times it pissed people off a whole lot. Sometimes we bite our tongues because we are scared of the consequences. And sometimes, we’re right for doing that… Just because you think some girl’s outfit is unflattering, there is no need to tell her that she looks like Jabba the Hut. But at the same time, if you feel someone is treating you unfairly, there is no need to bite your tongue for fear that they won’t like you vocalizing your opinion. I’ve never really had a hard time expressing my opinions, and that is a huge thanks to my mom being the woman she was. With this one, I should probably take the opposite of this lesson and remember it’s okay to filter myself sometimes. But that’s no fun! And even the people my mom managed to upset still respected her for being honest and speaking her truth (right, Jen?).

4. Just because life sucks doesn’t mean you should stop living: We all know life gets hard sometimes. We all know there are days where we don’t want to do anything but lay in bed and blast Dashboard Confessional or Alanis Morisettte or that one song by Kid Rock and Sheryl Crow. Oh wait, is that just me? Woops. Anyway, moving on. Sometimes life totally sucks but there is no excuse to stop living. My mom getting sick made her live life even more! The year after she was diagnosed, we didn’t all just stay home while mom got chemo and went to the doctor’s office… We went on a 6-week road trip around the country! My mom coordinated with her doctors so she could get her treatment at different hospitals so we could travel the nation and not have to worry about it!  This will always be one of my all-time favorite memories. But this didn’t stop there. One weekend my mom rented a convertible because she had never driven one before. If she was craving lobster, we’d make the two hour drive to the Keys just for dinner. No matter what, she did what she wanted to do and lived 100%. More than ever this lesson is relevant in my life right now. There are days where I don’t want to do anything because I don’t know where to go, or because all of my friends are busy, or because it’s just hard to put yourself out there… But there is literally NO excuse that makes it okay for me to waste my days when I want to be doing something. Life is for living and if you’re not doing that, you might as well give up.

As I began writing this post, I doubted myself. I wasn’t sure it would fit in with my theme of talking about my comfort zone and I also wasn’t sure how emotional I’d get writing about my mom, especially so close to her birthday. But it has been so freaking good for my soul. Getting to reminisce about her through words never gets old. And by opening up to you nerds about her, I honestly feel like I am stepping out of my comfort zone and letting you in to a huge part of my life and something that has shaped me to be who I am. If you ever wonder why I’m loud or vulgar or kinda crazy… My mom is the lady to thank! She would love this community and think it’s so rad that I’m writing for TNTML. So as I continue forward in the quest of getting uncomfortable (and maybe a little weird) I’ll hold these lessons close. And as I learn from these, I’m sure I will realize how many more she was able to teach me.

Friday I will have both a beer and a cupcake in her honor! Let’s party!

#nerdsunite

click here to follow Chelsea on twitter!

#NerdsUnite: Comfort zone be gone!

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Chelsea. She's a newbie to our loverly state of California and is currently trying to find her own voice and find her own way. Gosh, aren't we all??? She's here today to talk about her journey in life, love, and all things nerd.  I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT CHELSEA!!</editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @chelofthesea

This week I made the decision to turn my cell phone off for 24 hours. To most of my friends, this didn’t seem like a big deal but I’m sure the nerd community can understand what a crazy thought it is to be disconnected for that long!

So, Monday 6:30 pm came: I sent a text to my dad letting him know I would be unreachable and gave him my roommate’s number in case of an emergency. After that, I resisted my urge to warn all other friends (since that seemed like it would defeat the purpose), held down the off button on my iPhone, did the Power Off swipe, and put my phone in a safe place…

Within the first hour I checked my phone a handful of times just out of pure habit. I even picked it up before I went to the bathroom (because let’s be honest, that’s the best time to catch up on Huffington Post headlines or your most recent DrawSomething game).

The night’s plan was to disconnect and be less available… I actually planned to make lunch for the week, paint my nails, write this week’s post, on a totally different subject, and do some reading. But things quickly changed when I grabbed a scalding hot pot and burned the shit out of my fingers! Right away, I wanted to call my dad and ask him for home remedies or text my best friend a picture of my sad fingers, but I stayed strong. By strong I mean I bitched endlessly to anyone who would listen and held my hand in a cup of ice water for over an hour. But hey, at least I didn’t turn my phone on!

Because I was quite literally unable to type for the night, I ended up disconnecting not only from my cell phone but from my computer, too. How did I spend my night? Well, I hung out with my roommates, bathed my burns in lotion, and went to bed embarrassingly early.

Now that this is over and my phone is back on, I’m rather confused with myself, since I did this with no real reason or foresight. Just decided to turn my phone off and did it! In fact, when people asked, I couldn't really articulate why…all I knew is that I felt too available. This might have to do with a string of dudes bailing on me (c’mon – grow some balls and just say you’re not feelin’ it) or maybe that I caught myself using my phone as a crutch when alone in public.

My phone, or more specifically technology, has been a huge tool in helping me come out of my comfort zone. From online dating to meeting Jen and writing for the site, from finding random things to do in LA to making friends on Twitter and then meeting IRL, I must thank technology for helping me out! But, at the same time it holds me back. After every first date, I update friends from back home and get their advice. It is impossible for me to send a text (or an OkCupid message) without overanalyzing every single word. I check my phone countless times while not so patiently waiting to hear back from my most recent beaux. And when I find myself sitting alone, so quickly I turn to checking Facebook or Twitter.

This mini-experiment proved to me that I can, in fact, disconnect. You guys might think I’m crazy at this point, but you don’t understand – I’m COMPLETELY accessible by my phone. There’s rarely a call that goes unanswered or a text that I take more than 10 minutes to reply to. Most of the core people in my life live on the other side of the country, and I don’t want to miss out on anything or have them feel as though I’m not there for them. Distance does a good job of that on its own, so the way I look at it, at least I’m available digitally! Herein lies another major problem, though: Instead of realizing I’m a strong, independent lady, I go back to my comfort zone to help with everything. Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s incredible that when I’m having a bummer of a day and need nothing more than a good best friend talk, I can FaceTime with any of them in a minute. Or when I’m making my dad’s famous pancakes and forget how many eggs to add, I can shoot him a text and not even be done cracking the first one before he responds. But when a dude texts me, who waited a ridiculously long amount of time, and asks me out for the night…I need to realize it’s okay to make him wait. I don’t have to be so available for everyone all of the time.

Here’s an easy example: Why would I bother looking around for cute boys at a bar when my phone is buzzing time and time again with new guys who want to meet up? I wouldn’t because my phone is my comfort zone. Technology is safe. But this needs to change! I need to get away from safe!

I don’t think I’ll be turning my phone off again anytime soon, but I will definitely be keeping it in my purse more often and maybe even leaving it at home every now and then. Living in the moment, here I come.   

And in case you were wondering…

What I missed most: My alarm clock, the ability to take pictures of random things throughout the day, venting to my best friend via text, being able to candidly read the NSFW stuff on TNTML at work, and having my phone in the bathroom (though I definitely pee'd much more quickly without it!).

What I didn’t miss at all: Being alerted for messages that only say “Hey” on OkCupid, getting work emails on my computer and on my phone simultaneously, waiting for people to respond to texts, and accidentally scrolling to the top of my Twitter feed when I’m halfway through reading new tweets.

#nerdsunite

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