#NerdsUnite: Comfort zone be gone!

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Chelsea. She's a newbie to our loverly state of California and is currently trying to find her own voice and find her own way. Gosh, aren't we all??? She's here today to talk about her journey in life, love, and all things nerd.  I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT CHELSEA!!</editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @chelofthesea

This weekend I took a step... no, a hop... no, a jump... no, a running leap out of my comfort zone! As of Saturday I am no longer a single lady. If you have been following my posts, you know I recently deleted my OkCupid and have alluded multiple times to having someone in my life who is filling up much of my time. Well, after 6 weeks or so of dating, and a brief stint in almost completely ending things in form of me putting up all sorts of defense mechanisms and hanging out with dudes who I should NOT have been hanging out with, a certain fella (he doesn't care to be anonymous) decided to make things official. I'm honestly not sure if anyone even keeps up with my life that closely, but leaving this out and posting this week would have felt like I was lying to you all -- and I never want that.

A lot of my friends have said to me, "well, this is what you've been wanting, right?" And I guess, if you consider the fact that I've been dating for the last year and that I've expressed how tired I am of playing the game -- well, then, yes a relationship is in fact what I wanted. BUT what's crazy is that literally the morning before we had this talk, I told my roommate I was totally happy with keeping things casual and had come to the realization that there was no need to title it. That I didn't NEED a relationship. Then here he comes out of left field, wanting to make it FBO (Facebook official) and whatnot. I'm not complaining at all.. I'm actually really happy and so glad he did this, and didn't allow both of our walls to get in the way of this happening, but I haven't been a girlfriend in almost three years, and I have definitely not been a girlfriend as the Chelsea that exists today. Last time I was a girlfriend I was crazy! Not saying I don't have any crazy left in me...I truly believe in owning your crazy and I'm very up front about it. But it's a much healthier kind of crazy. In addition to that, I've barely been in California without actively dating. For the last year I've been flirting it up, bouncing from dude to dude (dabbling in promiscuity -- oh my!), and have had nobody to answer to. One of the big perks of moving across the country, eh? I don't know what it's going to be like to be tied down... Actually, that's a really negative way to phrase that so let me trying again. I don't know what it's going to be like to be committed to one person. But I'm super excited to find out. This was the kind of situation that just happened. From day one I was determined to not like him, but here I am and I must say I failed at that. 

So, since the last time I got in a relationship was with a dude I barely liked, solely as a rebound to get over my first love, there was something that happened this time I wasn't ready for. All of the dudes I've been flirting with and hanging out with? Well, they don't get an automatic update that I'm no longer on the market and available to receive their lewd text messages. Ya know what this means? I've had to tell them! This is something I thought about immediately after we decided to make things real. (Well, after I said "Are you sure? You have a 10 minute buffer to change your mind." Really Chelsea?! You're so damn confident but in these situations you always get weirdly insecure. Let’s work on that!) I was super worried about these texts and wasn't sure if I should initiate it or just wait for a text I deemed "inappropriate." Well, it happened a few different ways for me. And I'm gonna tell you guys about them!

33-year-old: So this is a guy I met on OkCupid, went on one date with, and then hung out with a couple more times with no dinner and a movie if ya know what I mean. He's actually a really great guy and has been there in the past couple months to offer insight and advice with dating. He was one of the ones I decided to text and let know right away. Mostly because I knew he would want to know, and also because I knew a text from him would be super awkward to receive for me while sitting next to my new beaux.  His response? "I'm so happy for you!" Seriously...this is the ideal FWB situation. Thank you, sir, for being so mature about this.

Clean car: This is the situation I felt worst about. Ya know when you keep a guy around because you know they like you so much even though you know you aren't really feeling him? Well, that was this guy. I know -- it's a terrible thing to do! But shit happens and we've all done it. Give me a break. I was freaking out about falling for someone and in an effort to not get hurt, I decided it was best to keep someone on the back burner. UGH NONE OF THIS IS MAKING ME SOUND BETTER. Well, whatever. I'm a bitch and I recognize that. I hope this is the last time I will do this. Actually, I vow it is. Here I am making a promise that I won’t let this happen again. Anyway - I sent him a "We can't see each other anymore," and all I got in response was an "I deserved more than this. Why? I bet it’s because you met someone else. Delete my number. I'm deleting yours and will never bother you again." Not the ideal response, but I get it. I fucked up.

Abroad: As the name suggests this is someone I’ve never met in person, but we’ve had an ongoing Facebook chat flirtmance and today, after receiving a chat I could not respond to without crossing a line, I let him know I had a boyfriend now. (Don’t people see Facebook relationship updates!?) He was really nice about it and said he could tell that I needed to be with one person. That the casual dating scene wasn’t for me… Gotta say, he hit the nail on the head! And we’ll definitely remain buddies. Wonderful.

(How have you guys dealt with these situations? Tweet me! I want to hear!)

There were a couple other fellas I had to let know, but it all went pretty smoothly. Part of me feels like such a whore for having to have dealt with this. Like – why was I flirting with so many people? But on the other hand, I’m actually proud of myself. As someone who never flirted in her teens/college years… I’m able to flirt! I know this seems silly, but I love it. It doesn't really have anything to do with the actual flirting, or even the attention, but more to do with being confident in myself and owning the Chelsea I am. And I can never use the "but I can't flirt" crutch ever again! 

I'm really surprised I wanted to share this with the TNTML community. But as I think about why I think it has a lot to do with being more open about who I am. As I've dated over the past year, I never wanted friends to meet the guys mostly because if things didn't work out with them, I didn't want to be embarrassed or feel like a failure. Also, because I've always cared way too much what people think about the guys I've dated. I say no more to all of that. This is happening, and I couldn't be happier -- and I want you all to know! So here it is. All of it. I'm still on the journey of coming out of my comfort zone, I'm just going to have to look a little harder than OkCupid dudes to make it happen.  

#nerdsunite

click here to follow Chelsea on twitter!

#NerdsUnite: Comfort zone be gone!

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Chelsea. She's a newbie to our loverly state of California and is currently trying to find her own voice and find her own way. Gosh, aren't we all??? She's here today to talk about her journey in life, love, and all things nerd.  I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT CHELSEA!!</editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @chelofthesea

“After a series of guys who left me high and dry and questioning why the hell I wasn’t just a lesbian instead (though, trust me, I know ladies aren’t a cake walk either) all of my friends asked me why I continued to go out with people from OkCupid. At first my answer was just that it was fun and gave me something to do on nights I would otherwise just stay home. But as I thought about it more, and began to write about coming out of my comfort zone, I realized that the reason I keep going out on OkCupid dates is because I keep learning about myself. Every date, every awkward encounter, every rejection, and every lovely goodnight kiss – I learn something new about myself and get nudged a little more farther away from my normal.”

I wrote that paragraph over a month ago. While most of it is still applicable I have actually deleted my OkCupid profile. There are a few reasons for this. One being that I am just overall tired of getting the same, lame messages. And two being that my time as of late has been very much occupied and I don’t have the time or the desire to go out with anyone else.  (I was actually given permission to write about that on the site but for my own sanity will not be doing so as of yet!) Anyway, as I say goodbye to OkCupid for the moment, I wanted to write out what exactly I’d learned about myself from my last year of using the site…

 1.    I’m incredibly awkward but somehow it works.           
I don’t think I was ever awkward as a kid. I was always the one who talked a bunch and made friends with everyone. But for some reason as I’ve gotten older, I’ve gotten more and more strange. I no longer know how to strike up conversations with strangers. I no longer understand that some people don’t want to hear all the randomness that comes into my head. And I don’t seem to understand that others aren’t okay with long periods of total silence. But what I do know, thanks to the world of dating, is that my awkwardness, in some strange way, works. I have been on dates where I could literally feel the awkwardness seeping out of my pours but for some reason the guys eat it up and think I’m charming and not a total freak. Thank you nerdy girls before me! Paving the way for awkwardness to be labeled as quirkiness and allowing my weirdness to not be an immediate deal breaker.

2.    I don’t care about physical attraction, but instead about physical chemistry.
I always say to people that I don’t care about appearance. If you just rolled your eyes, I get it. Nobody ever believes me. And I never really had a good way to explain it. I would just say that I didn’t really care because when a hot dude ends up being boring and dumb, he immediately transforms from Ryan Gosling in Crazy, Stupid Love to Jim Carrey in Dumb and Dumber. But on the flip side of that, when I meet a guy who I’m not physically attracted to but he ends up turning my brain on and making my face hurt from laughter, he becomes so freaking handsome in my eyes. This is where people argue “but if you’re REALLY not into ____, personality can’t change it.” Fill that blank in with short guys, fat guys, black guys, whatever… What I’m here to say is that for me, that’s not true. I’ve realized that this theoretical not-so-attractive dude not only has to have a good personality, but we also have to have sexual chemistry. We have to like the same things and when we kiss there has to be something more. I need to want him in a primal way. I’m scared my dad might one day find this blog…so that’s enough about that. But in summation what I’ve learned is that my eyes are not what turn me on.

3.    I’m not as terrible of a flirt as I think I am.
I have to start this off saying one thing… THANK YOU INTERNET. Basically, I have never been a flirty girl. I've discussed this before on the site -- I was always the friendgirl and never the girlfriend. Though I was in a really long term, serious relationship the beginning of that had almost nothing to do with flirting and almost everything to do with us both being young and looking for affection. So when I dived back into the dating scene out here, I wasn't sure I would know how to flirt. When guys compliment me, I get pretty awkward (shocker) and don't really know how to respond. It's almost nearly impossible for me to give compliments. Seriously, it's sad. The guy I'm currently seeing and I were having a talk and it took everything in me to tell him the things I like about him... The struggle was so apparent on my face. Luckily it didn't scare him away! But the Internet has helped me so much in my flirting. How you ask? Well, I, like many others, am much wittier with written words than spoken words. And having the chance to talk to guys digitally before meeting them in person gives me a chance to flirt and build up the witty banter before being dropped into a date. Also, I think getting the small talk out of the way has done wonders to my flirting. I’m much better with substantial conversation, than the bullshit you have to talk about when you first meet someone.  

4.    I don’t care what a guy does, I just need someone with passion and drive.  
Before really getting into “dating” I thought I had a list of deal breakers. A guy had to have a car, a job, and a place to live… Without those things, there was no way I would even think about dating them. Hey guys, wanna know what happens when you make a list of rules for yourself? You break them. About a million times. In a row. On OkCupid I’ve gone out with LA hotshots, who make lots of money and have TV shows on big fancy TV stations, who take me out to places I could never afford on my own. I’ve also gone out with dudes who live at home, have no car, and can barely afford their own lives, let alone taking me out on fancy dates. Of course, the majority have been somewhere between these two extremes. To be honest, I never thought I’d be super into the fancy LA guys. I don’t live that type of life, and while of course it’s fun, having excessive money and spending it on dumb shit is not something I can relate to. But what I found fascinating was that among all these guys, I didn’t really care how much money they made or if they had the stability I thought I was looking for… All I cared about was whether or not they were passionate about what they were doing. He could be a stand-up comedian, who pours every bit of his heart and soul into the sets he’s doing almost every night of the week or a dog walker, who believes in the importance of his work and loves each dog like his own – I don’t care! I’m passionate about my work and I need you to have something that consumes your whole heart sometimes. Something bigger than yourself that you’re willing to give yourself up to. Something you fight for. Something you can talk to me about and teach me about for hours.

5.    I have bigger balls than most dudes when it comes to rejecting someone.
This is the lamest of the lessons I have learned. From my experience, dudes don’t have balls when it comes to rejecting girls. I believe this partly has to do with guys being taught that women are crazy. Now before all the male readers get pissed off, let me admit – bitches can DEFINITEY be crazy. But hey, guess what? Stop dating those! Most of us are level-headed, rational beings who would prefer the truth to some bullshit excuse or you just disappearing. And guess what? We won’t flip out on you and text you non-stop! Choose better women and you will deal with better rejections. And guess what? Maybe you can even stay friends. Basically what I’m saying is that even in situations where I’ve had to reject a guy who I could tell was really liking me and who I had no real reason not to like except a lack of “chemistry,” I do it and I’m honest and I don’t beat around the bush. What I’ve learned to do to make this easier is make sure my body language on the date matches how I’m feeling. There have been times I’ve given someone a goodnight kiss when I knew I didn’t want to go out again, but I will not do that anymore! In coming out of my comfort zone, I’ve learned it’s okay to know what I do and do not want, and if people get pissed at you for you making it clear – well, that’s on them. All I can worry about is being honest about how I feel. Speaking my truth, right Jen?

So… Thank you men of OkCupid. Thank you for the drinks, the dinners, the stories, the great (and not-so-great) hook ups, the late night conversations, the texts you sent too often, the days at Disney, the games of pool, the karaoke singing, and so much more. Thank you for teaching me so much about myself. You have made my last year more memorable and don’t you worry your pretty little faces, I’ll probably be back. Or on the other hand, don’t worry, if you pop in my Quiver or suggested matches, I’ll click right past you. Maybe even hide you or block you! Whenever the day comes I find myself back in the crazy world that is online dating, know the girl behind the screen won’t be the same as the one who signed up last year because my comfort zone is getting nothing but further away!

#nerdsunite

click here to follow Chelsea on twitter!

#NerdsUnite: Comfort zone be gone!

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Chelsea. She's a newbie to our loverly state of California and is currently trying to find her own voice and find her own way. Gosh, aren't we all??? She's here today to talk about her journey in life, love, and all things nerd.  I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT CHELSEA!!</editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @chelofthesea

Monday night, 9:48 pm and here I am: Pajamas on, blanket wrapped around me, staring at my bright screen, and listening to my roommates chat in the kitchen. Tonight we had plans to go see an outdoor screening of ET in Pasadena. A friend I never make enough time for and I made these plans over a month ago, only to realize an hour before show time that the website we’d been looking at was from a year ago. So, there went my plans and our group quickly dissipated. The new couple drove off; soaking in the last few hours of sun, getting to know each other in the way you only can with butterflies in your tummy. The others ran errands, met up with friends.

But what did I do you ask? I pulled out my laptop and chatted with one of my best friends who is about to embark on the greatest adventure of her life, who is growing up to be the woman she wants to be. Then my phone rang, another best friend (the sister of the adventurer) who reached a big milestone in her career tonight. At this moment, I cried and I can’t exactly explain why. My emotions have been running at an all-time high and I haven’t necessarily stopped to process them. But what I realized was – I hadn’t taken time to talk to those two people, two of my favorites on this planet, in an absurdly long amount of time.

If you asked me one year ago how I would have felt to be home alone on a Monday night, I would have been pissed. Chelsea one year ago wanted nothing more than plans, and frequent ones at that. She was so tired of sitting at home, reading, lurking, and chatting with friends back home. All she wanted was to be dating and busy and have friends and things to do. Fast forward to Chelsea today and ask her how she felt about today’s lazy, lonely Monday? Relieved.

My life is picking up. I find myself with plans more often that I find myself without. I realize that what you put into the universe eventually will make its way back around. So, by being more confident and more open about myself, I find that people want to spend time with me. Hanging out with the TNTML crew has been awesome. Seriously, such a wonderful group of people who are just accepting and always down for a good time. I’ve also been going out, finding things to do, and making it happen. No more sitting around waiting for shit to come to me.

But what’s weird is I now find that I’m not giving myself enough time to process. As an extrovert, I definitely get my energy from others. I’ve always been one to spend nearly all my free time with my best friends, with the people who know everything about me. But what I’m realizing is that after 6 months of being a forced introvert (Ugh, I’m so dramatic, I had things to do and I had friends. I just spent more time at home than I did before) I’ve learned I need more time to process my experiences -- alone.

So here I am asking myself, why? Is there a reason I continue to overbook myself, even when I know I need a few hours to write words that nobody gets to read? Is there a reason I say yes to dates I know I will go on and wish the whole time I was home cleaning my room? Well, the answer I’ve come up with is that I don’t want to say no to people for free it means they won’t ask me again. It’s not an insecurity thing, I don’t think. It’s more of the kind of thing where I am actively trying to make friendships and have made the decision to push myself out of my comfort zone – so I say yes to almost everything. I try to fill my days and nights for fear of falling in my rut again. But another reason why? Because I’m having fun. This weekend I gave up ALL of my alone time. (And if I’ve learned anything in the last year, it’s that I truly enjoy having some alone time. So to give it up to someone means quite a bit but that’s another story for another time.)

All of that being said, I don’t think I should slow down. I function best when I’m busy… At work, when I have crazy deadlines and intense to-do lists I need to blow through, my quality of work increases drastically. I’m a multi-tasker through and through. Adding events to my calendar and keeping track of my life that way brings me more joy than I should admit. What can I say? I’m a nerd. But I do think what I’ve learned from my Monday is that the best part of being so busy is that I’m never sad when I’m left alone with nothing to do. Instead I’m thankful! If you’re bored it’s because you’re choosing to let yourself be that way and there’s nothing wrong with that. Yes, I need to take some time to process and make more time for writing, as I talked about last week. But am I going to give up my 2 am’s for a few extra hours of sleep? Or risk the chance of meeting someone amazing for the chance to catch up on a TV show? Not any time soon! Life is meant for living.

#nerdsunite

click here to follow Chelsea on twitter!

#NerdsUnite: Comfort zone be gone!

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Chelsea. She's a newbie to our loverly state of California and is currently trying to find her own voice and find her own way. Gosh, aren't we all??? She's here today to talk about her journey in life, love, and all things nerd.  I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT CHELSEA!!</editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @chelofthesea

For some reason, I've hit a wall in my writing lately. Every time I sit down to write a post or take my journal out to write or even sit down at work to draft up some template emails...nothing comes out. I don't know what is going on. Every now and then I hit these rough patches and I can't seem to get anything onto paper. And I must say, my well-being greatly declines! Writing is good for my soul. 

My journey with writing began when I was just a wee lass... The first real memory I have of even thinking about writing was after watching Harriet the Spy.  At six years old, I knew I needed a journal of my own. Throughout elementary school I had loads of diaries, in which I would only fill a couple pages of before discarding it and moving on to the next one. Finding these childhood musings are hilarious, because as ridiculous as they are, it's awesome to realize I was already using writing as an outlet before I even knew what it meant to have an outlet. I was writing about being frustrated with my younger brother, about the cute boy at school who just didn't seem to notice me, and about how much I hated having to move away from the house I was born in. Around this same time, my mom also had me start journaling every night, making a list of a few things I was thankful for. Since we didn't grow up with religion or prayer, I think this was my mom's way of reminding us to reflect and be grateful for the lives we were given. (Ah, what a wonderful woman she was. Seriously, anything good in me is thanks to having her.)

Moving onto middle school, I slipped into my emo phase and writing became even more important to me.  During this time, journaling moved from the random pink and purple diaries, adorned with Lisa Frank stickers and hand drawn hearts, littered about my room, to an online platform. I was an avid blogger before I even knew the word blogging existed. I started off writing on a wbeiste called Blurty (because Xanga was for the weird goth girls or the Asians, and I was clearly an emo kid) before moving on to Livejournal in high school. I really don't know how I would have made it through middle school without my Blurty. Not only was it somewhere I updated about my daily life: who I was hanging out with, what was going on at school, how frustrating it was to be in love with your best friend who didn't love you back, etc. It also served a place for me to process my mom's disease and what it meant to be losing your mom at such a young age. Looking back through those entries breaks my heart but also amazes because I was so aware of how I would feel. With each sentence I wrote, I knew how much it was going to hurt and I was preparing myself for it. I remember at one point my mom found my online journal and started leaving anonymous comments -- when I found out it was her I was SO PISSED and felt like my privacy had been violated. This is probably a sign of how private I would be about my writing even as I got older. This Blurty was also a platform for me to try out more creative forms of writing... There is definitely a poem or two published on there, a writing form I wouldn't revisit until college.

High school is when writing became a more consistent part of my daily life. Not only was I writing in my Livejournal on a daily basis, but I was also on the school newspaper, and acted as editor-in-chief for three years. This gave me the chance to write in a more public way than ever before. Of course, I wrote typical news articles, covering the girl's tennis team and the change in cafeteria policy, but I was also able to share my opinions. As someone who was raised to share her opinions and not just accept the status-quo it was so liberating and exciting to finally have a platform where I can explain my beliefs and people would read them! Thinking back, I'm sure nobody read my column. Keeping up with my Livejournal also provides me a way of remembering exactly what it felt like to be me at that time: dealing with the death of my mom and falling in love for the first time.

College is sort of the dark-ages when it comes to my affair with the written word. Though I started off as a Journalism major, I no longer viewed writing as something to be done for pleasure. This was ultimately the reason I dropped journalism and picked up psychology, along with realizing you don't need a journalism degree to be a writer. I never want writing to be a chore... It's far too important to my sanity to be something I don't enjoy doing in my free time as well. After realizing this and shifting my vision on my craft, I once again started to enjoy writing. I bought a journal and vowed to write in it until I filled up every page. To carry it with me no matter what. (I just pulled it out of my purse and looked back at the first entry, dated in August 2010). While it still isn't full, it's always with me and I continue to write in it on a frequent basis. But not frequent enough.

All this being said, what I’ve discovered is that even with my writing I'm falling into a comfort zone. Writing for TNTML has weirdly tricked my mind into thinking that I'm doing enough. That I'm processing enough through my weekly posts. That there is no need for more writing. But I couldn't be more wrong. Writing is about more than just having other people read it, it's the way in which I learn the most about myself. Honestly, I've had more realizations about who I am and what I want and why I do what I do while writing than I have doing anything else. Sitting at the beach, journal and chai in hand is probably when I am most at peace. But at the same time, randomly pulling out my journal at a red light to jot down a thought is equally as vital to who I am as Chelsea. The written word connects with me on this other level I can't even explain. I know I'm not an incredible writer. I wish my mastery over language was stronger. But this is all something I’m working on!

 So as I push myself out of my comfort zone in extrinsic ways, I need to focus on pushing myself intrinsically as well. Most of the ways I have challenged myself are in ways others can hold me accountable so I am a little scared to try something that others won’t know if I'm succeeding at or not. But I want to write more; I'm tired of feeling like a phony when telling people I'm a writer. So here’s the plan: I am going to try and write every single day, and writing for work does not count. Before bed, I will pull my journal out and pour out whatever comes to mind. I love the practice of stream of consciousness writing. It's not only great for your creativity but also so good to just see where your mind goes. I am also going to work on reaching out to other blogs and seeing if I can contribute anywhere else. TNTML is the perfect place to write about the journey about coming out of my comfort zone, but there are so many sides to me and I really miss sharing my opinion on social issues so I hope to find a place to share those. If not, I'll keep them on my personal blog (which I am going to start updating with all of these posts and old writing from high school/college). I also want to give myself the freedom to write more creatively, whether that means poetry or fiction, I don't really know. But it's going to happen and I can't wait. Oh, and as an aside to this I'm going to start reading more. Basically every time I go through a writing dry spell, I also pull back on how much I read.  Friends, you will all know when I'm writing more regularly because I am so much more in touch with myself and overall a better version of Chelsea.

What do you nerds to do as a way of processing and being more in touch with your true self? Tweet me! I want to hear about it. And please please please send me book suggestions.

#nerdsunite

click here to follow Chelsea on twitter!

#NerdsUnite: Comfort zone be gone!

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Chelsea. She's a newbie to our loverly state of California and is currently trying to find her own voice and find her own way. Gosh, aren't we all??? She's here today to talk about her journey in life, love, and all things nerd. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT CHELSEA!!</editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @chelofthesea

Fears are like assholes – everyone’s got ‘em! But what exactly is fear? It’s an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat. Some of the most common are heights, public speaking, spiders, snakes, and closed spaces. Many of these fears are actually evolutionary and help to keep us safe. For example, being afraid of a snake makes you less likely to get bit by one because you’re not going to run up and pet it like you would someone’s pug walking down the beach. (Side note – what if we walked snakes? Weird but I kinda like the image of that.)

Lucky for us, most people are able to distinguish between which fears are rational and irrational and don’t cross into the world of having a phobia. A good example of this is being scared of heights. This is beneficial because it keeps us from standing on the ledges of 100 story buildings, but we understand that going up an escalator to the second story of the mall is completely safe and do it without even a second thought.

I’ve talked about some of my fears before, which have to do with going out in public alone and meeting new people. These are both things I’ve worked on in the last 6 months and that I’m happy to say I’ve gotten over for the most part. Of course, I still get wicked awkward when I’m in a group of people I don’t know but I’ve learned to own me and just go for it and I must say it’s doing me well.

But this week I’m here to talk about an entirely other people – kind of similar to one of the earliest posts I wrote for TNTML. Ya see, one big fear of mine is sleeping alone. No, I don’t mean this in the “I need someone to snuggle with. My bed feels so empty when I’m alone.” No way –this girl LOVES her space when it comes to sleep. If I cuddle you while we sleep you can assume it means I really like you. I’m all about being intertwined before and after the actual sleep but I get way too hot when I’m sleeping to have someone else all up in my grill.

Anyway, I digress. So yes – sleeping alone is something that terrifies me, almost to the point of it being an irrational fear. Once in high school my dad was in the hospital for nearly a month, my mom had passed away, and my brother was staying with family in Indiana so I had the house to myself. My best friends had been staying with me nearly every night, and trust that we were getting into all sorts of trouble, but there was one night they couldn’t so I asked my boyfriend at the time if he would and you know what he said? No! First off, what dumb ass teenager wouldn’t take advantage of having an empty house? Probably the first of many signs I needed to end things with him. I remember getting in a huge fight about it and I actually wound up on the phone with him all night arguing, which was totally a manipulative move on my part to avoid having to sleep alone. Another time in college, my roommates were both out of town and I had to sleep alone? This time my tactic was to leave all the lights on and stack chairs in front of the door. That way if someone broke in, at least it would make enough noise to wake me up. I understand all of this makes me sound crazy but it’s just the truth. I’m a heavy sleeper and I’m almost positive someone could break in and steal everything in my bedroom without me even noticing.

Besides those two instances, I’ve been able to avoid sleeping alone for all of my life. But a couple weeks ago I was asked to dogsit/housesit at this amazing house in Hermosa Beach. (I’m actually sitting on their rooftop right now! Ahhh what an amazing view to have behind my laptop screen! And I’m working on evening out my farmer’s tan. Lovely.) After I agreed to do the job I realized that it meant I had to sleep alone. My first instinct was to try and convince a friend to stay with me the entire time, or find some way to avoid sleeping at the house…. Maybe just staying till bed time then leaving to my house where there would be other people.

But in an effort to stick with the theme of forcing myself out of my comfort zone, I bit the bullet and decided to sleep here alone. No craziness. Just embracing the fact that people have to do this and why avoid the inevitable? Everyone sleeps alone at some point! Well guess what? I’ve slept here three nights without being murdered! Honestly, there’s probably something weirdly wrong with me and I should go see someone to talk about how scared I am of being attacked by an intruder, but right now I’m going to ignore all that and just celebrate the fact that I’ve successfully given my fear the finger and slept alone in this big ol’ house! The first night I was really anxious and woke up every few hours but since then I’ve been able to sleep all the way through the night. YESSSSSS. I know this is lame but I’m really fucking stoked on it. Even the amount of times I play through all the possible scenarios continues to decrease. I’m such a believer in immersion. If you’re scared, just DO IT. Talking about it isn’t going to get you anywhere and this is proof that it works!

Alright, now that I’ve lost all my cool points (like I ever had any) let’s pretend I faced some way better fear, like swimming with the sharks or learning to swallow swords. Swallow... Ha...

#nerdsunite

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