<editorsnote>Hi, I'm Jen Friel, and we here at TNTML examine the lives of nerds outside of the basements and into the social media, and dating world. We have over 75 peeps that write about their life in real time. (Real nerds, real time, real deal.) Sit back, relax, and enjoy some of the stories!!</editorsnote>
Every.single.day.now. I wake up to an email, comment, or tweet about someone telling me their version of a "catfish" story. (read mine here)
Having a fake internet boyfriend/ girlfriend is an extremely, extremely shameful experience. We all think we are too smart to have something like that happen to us, but you have to remember, these people are EXPERTS at pulling at the heartstrings.
Particularly, when they attack you for questioning them when they can't meet you for "whatever dramatic reason."
My guy (who was actually a girl) told me I was heartless for not feeling empathy when his dad died.
I have not had any contact with you for a year, even though you presumably constantly stalked me here. I've looked the other way when you talked shit about me to one person, because frankly I don't care to get back in contact with you. Especially after you told me to "Get Over It" when I wouldn't give you my full attention due to my dad being in the hospital at the time. To which you then denied ever saying and conveniently responded you "blacked it out" when I confronted you about it.
It sucks.
Nothing about this life experience is pleasurable or something anyone should ever strive to have. The problem is knowing where to go and what to do after you've experienced something like this. What are your options?
Well, first take as much info as you have on the person and head to the google!!!
In my case, I had his myspace handle No1Uknow00.
If you put that into a quick google search this is what pops up ...
The top hit is a photobucket account.
From there, I clicked on the photos and as you scroll down you can see one of the photos has the title "me."
I then went through the album and saw the other photos of this person and one of the titles had this ...
The name Sarah.
That was all I needed to know that no1uknow00 (which is not a common handle) was connected to this person who is not a guy named Dare, but rather a woman by the name of Sarah.
I knew Dare at that point was a phony and while I hadn't connected the dots in the search quite yet, I had let all of it go and moved on with my life.
I've never spoken to Sarah, nor do I know her last name. (In writing this post though I did conduct a reverse google image search to see if anything came up, and nothing did.)
Who knows if it really is "Sarah" or if this is some inception-type Catfishing with a story inside a story.
All of that karma belongs to "Sarah" and not me. My next doable actions in this scenario were to identify what in me attracted this into my life.
My suggestion to anyone looking to find out more info on their Catfish is to work with what info you have. This is obviously a case by case basis, but let's say you met them in a chat or forum, why not google the handle and see what info comes up on other sites?
In my case, his fake name also had an address linked to it. In my frustration I drove to AZ once to see him, but felt showing up at someone's apartment was a bit "next level."
I don't suggest showing up at someone's door since it could put you in harms way (maybe your catfish is a Dexter type), but that's your call.
At the end of the day though, again, you have to understand that there is no "winning" in this type of scenario. Even if you find them, and track them down the answers aren't really going to solve anything. (Although it does make for good TV on the Catfish TV show.) In most cases this experience isn't even personal. These people talk to 15-20 other people at a time and show very little remorse for their actions.
The best course of action is to employ a lot of self love, and lick your wounds darling. No answers will ever solve the pain and it can actually impede in your emotional growth and healing process.
My suggestion, food for thought. Oh look a kitty!!!
Obviously, all of social media and the mainstream media in general is buzzing right now about America's football sweetheart Manti Te'o's now fake internet girlfriend.
The story, which was one of the most inspirational to come out of college football in quite some time, captured national attention as it was revealed in Sports Illustrated that in a span of just six hours that Manti had lost both his grandmother and his girlfriend.
Stories like this make for good shows, and entertaining tabloid TV but for the person that this happened to, it is EXTREMELY embarrassing.
As you all know, I had my own "Catfish" story back in 2007 (read the initial post here, his response here, and the most recent update here). I remember hitting publish on the story back in 2010 when everything went down and I was VISIBLY shaking. There is so much shame around something like this. You can sit there objectively and say, how can someone be so stupid, or how could ANYONE believe a story like that?
The fact of the matter is, these "catfishes" pull at the heartstrings of very naive people. It starts off COMPLETELY innocent, but they are very very very good at what they do and the manipulation they are able to execute.
The people that fall for this genuinely do see the good in people, and because of life's reflective nature how could they even comprehend pulling off a sophisticated stunt like that?
I am an extremely, extremely logical person and even I defended my own Catfish for a year with my friends.
(Mine was pre the online dating boom, so even meeting someone from online in general was SUPER creepy.)
I would lie over and over saying that oh yeah, we briefly met at this party but nothing happened.
Did I believe even through all the "sketchy" stories and "failed" attempts to meet IRL he was real?
No.
I knew deep down he wasn't, but there was this big part of my ego that wanted to believe. I didn't want to believe I could be so stupid, and I didn't want to believe something like this could happen to me.
It is an EXTREMELY shameful experience. I cannot stress that enough.
Now, back to Manti, he's going to be laughing all the way to the bank. There is NO DOUBT that he was deceived and I SERIOUSLY doubt he was in on it in ANY regard (as again the shame associated with this would make you want to BURY this as much as possible, not make it public fodder). We are all talking about him right now, which will not only increase his chances of getting into the NFL but also give him a greater chance of securing endorsements.
At the end of the day as well, it is highlighting a very serious issue in the online dating community, and I'm all for it. It's unfortunate that he is going to be the poster child for "catfishing" for some time, but please let's also remember the countless others that have also been deceived and may still be experiencing deep levels of shame.
How did I get over my "catfish" experience?
1) I wrote about it. It was one of the scariest and most liberating things I have ever done. If you're going through something similar, just write about it. Put it in a journal, start a tumblr, heck even email me and I'll post it JenFriel at Talknerdytomelover d c. Admitting that it happened is the first step.
3) Do some soul searching and realize what part you played. Everything in life takes two to tango. There is no such thing as an "independent" experience since we are all so intertwined and all feeding off of each other's energy at every given moment. Ask yourself, what in me attracted this situation? In my case, I was closed off emotionally. I had just gotten out of a relationship(and found out that my ex had also gotten the girl after me pregnant). I was extremely fragile, and I was prime for an experience like this. (Especially working online at the time in such a public manner.) Bottom line was that I had to figure my shit out. (damnit, curse jar.) I'm still a work in progress, but every day I am becoming more and more self aware.
Life is one big journey, nerderinos. Enjoy the ride!!! =)
All that I knew at the end of the day was that I was going to stand my ground. If I was wrong, and this person was the person they were I TOTALLY would have apologized and taken the post down.
While I was traveling to CES this past week I got an email back from this girl with the subject "a year later" ...
I was so so so happy to read that email. I am not a doctor nor do I even want to pretend to be one, but people like that genuinely do need to get help so they can find the root of their addiction.
On the flip side of things though, I truly commend these "catfishes" for keeping up with all of their stories and for being so creative and elaborate. If only these talents were channeled in a more "healthy" manner, but again that is their karma to deal with and none of my business.
Congrats on the transformation and I wish you well on your journey.
MTV premiered their new show Catfish this week (the TV version of the popular documentary on fake internet relationships). Over the summer I had been contacted by some of their production team to tell my story, but because it happened back in 2007 it was no longer relevant enough for them. (This is such a hot topic too, btw. I also got contacted by the Jeff Probst show last week to be a guest.)
Either way, I finally watched the episode just a few minutes ago, and I COMPLETELY broke down.
Sunny's story was my story, and watch her confront her "online relationship" - it blew me away. I immediately started balling. I TOTALLY know that feeling.
There is only one song I can listen to while writing this ...
Alrite, so I've written about this story before, but it was now almost two years ago (and frankly not my best writing), but either way back in 2007 I started working for LiveVideo as a "lifecaster." We were a handful of "charismatic and interesting" kids in LA that were plants on the site to create engaging content and all that fancy stuff. Basically, I was paid to sit there, host a live show from my apartment (fully clothed), and I got to talk to people from all around the world. Having grown up on the internet and literally living my life in chat rooms you have to understand how truly SPECTACULAR this job was to someone like me. I'm naturally a total goof ball so entertaining people for 4 hours at a time was easy, but the fact that this was all online - I mean COME ON!!! This shit was my JAMMMMMM!!!!
Either way, my channel was instantly one of the most popular ones (obvi since I was a plant), but almost immediately one of the regulars in my chat got my attention.
His name was Dare, and his avatar was drop dead gorgeous. Look at that face!!
In the land of "SHOW ME YOUR BOOBS!!!" Dare was a conversationalist, and COMPLETELY respectful. Even with sometimes hundreds of people in the chat he always always always stuck out.
I don't remember exactly when it was when we first started chatting on the phone, but almost immediately he was nagging me to date him. I remember once even spending 4+ hours on the phone with him, and this was AFTER I had just hosted the show where we ALSO chatted for that same length of time. This person just became a part of my existence, and became this thing ... that was always there, and that I could always call or text. I had just gotten out of a relationship at the time so while I wasn't necessarily looking to date anyone, it was a refresher to have that intimacy and connection with another person.
Post after post on my Myspace wall drew further attention from other LV fans.
Are you two together? They would ask in the chat.
No, I kept saying. I'm very single, I would admit over and over.
Dare kept pushing to change that, of course, but I stood strong.
I want your address, he said one day on Myspace.
Logically I should have been freaked out at the notion of giving some random person my address, but again we had been talking at this point for MONTHS hours and hours and hours each night. I know him well enough, I thought.
I then gave him my address and the next day I had two dozen red long stem roses with a beautiful card.
As I called to thank him for the flowers, I then officially became his "girlfriend."
Get on webcam, I said that day. I want to show you the flowers!!
I can't he pressed. I don't have a working one.
Go get one, I would say. They're SO cheap and we can finally look each other eye to eye.
Later, he would say changing the conversation.
Weeks turned into months and suddenly Dare was a daily fixture in my life. From texts in the morning, to visits in my liveshow - this man. was. everywhere.
I told all of my friends in LA about him.
Wait, you met this guy online? They would ask.
No, I said not wanting to seem like some crazy craigslist creeper (amazing how quickly and how much social norms of meeting people off the internet changed). I saw him at a friend's party once, but we never connected. THEN, he just happened to become a fan of my live show, I said in an attempt to cover my tracks.
<tangent> My friends at that time, btw, were COMPLETELY convinced I was doing webcam porn.
Soooo, you get paid to sit on a cam in your apartment? they would ask.
Yes, I said happy and perky.
Weird. </tangent>
Absolutely NONE of my friends thought he was real.
He is, I kept saying. He is!!
Dare and I then started talking about taking vacations together, what it would be like to meet for the first time. It was oddly never sexual and considering we were "boyfriend and girlfriend" I never even sent a naked picture, nor did we ever have phone sex.
So weird now that I think about it looking back ...
Either way, one day he surprised me again with a present at my door.
It was the book Love in the Time of Cholera with two tickets sticking out.
I pull out the tickets and see that they are floor seats (third row) to see New Kids on The Block for their comeback tour.
Growing up I was the BIIGGGEEEESSSTTTT Jordan Knight fan, so these tickets meant the WORLD to me.
OMG OMG OMG OMG! I screamed into the phone thanking him. You are SO amazing, I said!!! I love you so much, this is extremely generous of you.
Yep, did I admit that part as well? At this point we had told each other that we loved one another. Strange, since again, we hadn't ever met at that point, but again, this was my honest constant.
I vivdly remember at that point though starting to question Dare and his legitimacy. Are these real tickets? I wondered.
I invited Dare to come along.
Come with me!! Come with me!! I'd LOVE to take you as my date!!
I can't, he said, I have to work.
Alrite, I said a bit disappointed.
I then invited my neighbor Katie, and on October 8, 2008 we went to see NKOTB at the staples center.
As we were walking in, I handed my tickets to the guy at the gate.
My hands were visibly shaking.
Please please please be real, I thought.
The guy then takes the tickets, scans them, and says ... go right ahead.
I exhaled the biggest sigh as my friend turned to me and said, I was hoping those were real.
I said nothing.
We then had an AMAZING time at the show!! Here were some of the videos I took ...
When I got back home, I BEGGED to see Dare.
Please, I said, you've given me this AMAZING gift. I really need to see you and thank you.
Soon, he would say, soon!
We then went back and forth on dates to meet up and EVERYTIME he cancelled moments before he was supposed to arrive.
I cried everytime.
But I REALLY wanted to see you, I would say.
I know, he said with whatever excuse he created. I just can't right now.
We then got into a fight one night and I finally just said ENOUGH!!! I'm getting in my car and I'll be in AZ (where he said he was from) in just a few hours. (I had his address since we had been sending each other packages.)
Those few hours were of course 7 and the time that this journey started was midnight.
I then drove through the night in my beetle convertible with my little dog Rocky Balboa and a 2 liter of Pepsi Max.
I was high on passion, dedicated, and FINALLY wanting for once and for all this to just all be over.
I NEED to meet him!! RIGHT NOW, I thought.
His phone was shut off for the entire drive out, but fortunately because of Google SMS (466453 via text) I was able to text and find the listing for his home phone number.
I called.
I'm in your town, I said. Please meet me.
No, he said hanging up the phone.
At this time it was almost 9am so I figured he would go to work. Knowing the name of where he worked, I google SMSed it again and found the address.
In my PJ pants and t-shirt, I walked into the front reception.
Hi, I said, is there a Darien Walker that works here?
The receptionist looked confused.
Who?
Dare Walker.
A man then approaches from behind the desk, we don't have anyone by that name here, he said.
I stared back, shocked.
Uh, alrite. Thank you.
I then got back in the car and headed over to a Dennys confused on what my next move was.
What do I do now? He won't see me, and now apparently he doesn't work where he said he worked.
I don't know in that moment why I didn't go to his house directly, but I felt it was "too invasive."
I was literally insane at that moment, but still not entirely sure what was going on. Still SOMEWHERE in the back of my mind I wanted to admit that he wasn't a fake and that I was maybe somehow just really confused.
I then drove back the 7 hours and cried all the way back to LA.
You would think at that point I would have had enough evidence to call his bluff right?
Wrong.
Dare and I still "dated" for a while longer.
I had finally let someone COMPLETELY into my life, and I was ABSOLUTELY unwilling to just let all of this time spent together go to waste.
The ego does wonderful things kiddies.
He never said why he wouldn't see me that day. He claimed he was just "mad" but either way, by the spring of 2009 we did finally end things.
It was yet another devastation in the form of him not making a trip out to see me, and I just lost it. He came up with this INSANE story about a family member getting hit by a car driven by another family member. Obvi, being a nerd, I IMMEDIATELY googled his story and NOTHING checked out.
I asked a series of questions about everything, which he took as offensive and then said he couldn't be with me anymore.
Yep, to make matters worse, I was DUMPED by my fake internet boyfriend.
I then put Dare out of my mind, and made a conscious effort to just start dating and get back in the game.
I hadn't actually even thought about Dare until September of 2010 when I got this email on Facebook ...
I was floored when I got that email. There's another one, I thought. I'm not the only one.
I remember SHAAKKIINNNGGG as I hit publish. I couldn't believe I was exposing myself on something SO personal and SO shameful.
Who does this happen to? I thought. I'm theoretically speaking SO smart!!! How could I EVER be so dumb!!
I then received a series of threatening emails from Dare, and I stood my ground.
If you're real, just take a picture of yourself holding up a sign with today's date. If I am wrong, I will admit it and remove the story. Until then, I am STANDING MY FUCKING GROUND!!!!!
He then went as far as to contact Squarespace (where I host) and tell them I was in violation of their TOS.
I laughed in my email back to them, as I briefly went into the story.
I am exposing someone who has created a fake identity and is deceiving people. If he is who he says he is I will IMMEDIATELY take it down. All that I am asking is for photographic evidence. Provide that and I will have NO problem admitting I am wrong.
What happened?
He stopped.
He entirely went away in fact.
Through some internet sleuthing though, you guys were able to find a picture of my ACTUAL internet "boyfriend" and a name.
Meet Sarah, aka Dare ...
It's pretty gnarly that this chick went into THAT much effort to create a fake phone number listing as well, AND when I talked to her on the phone she always used a voice device. This entire situation just creeps me out.
When I talked to the producers last week, she asked me one question in particular that stuck out, "what would you say to anyone who is in your shoes now?"
I immediately said, I just hope they understand that one they are not alone, and that two they should not be ashamed. I played a big role in this dynamic as well, and that was something that my self work with my Shaman has presented, but this experience shaped me for sure. To see that woman tonight get the chance to confront her "boyfriend" (in the episode it was oddly enough also a female to female dynamic) it really touched me. To see this woman place NO wrongdoing on herself, and never even apologize for it was so ... heavy and disassociative. I'd actually love to study the psychology of people like this. I feel like if this girl could just take all of her storytelling talents and translate them into a more healthier medium she could have quite the career on her hands.
Either way, this story sucks and I'm not proud of this life experience. I can proudly say that I am a wiser person and can genuinely spot a fake now from a million miles away.
Rock on nerdy peeps! And here's to knowing you're not alone in this world!!
K ... so because of that post, you guys were able to track down some accounts for me - one of them being photobucket. Well, just the other day there was a comment on the post asking whatever happened with this story - I then decided to revisit the photobucket account and found out that there was a new picture posted. This one had the title "Me" underneath it indicating that it was a personal photo.
Why is all of this sounding so dramatic and scandalous? Oh, because it was a female.
My fake internet boyfriend wasn't even a dude, it was a chick. Are you fucking kidding me?!?!?! HAHAHAAHA thats hilarious.
I then decided to hit up the other chickadee that "dated" this person and here is our actual Facebook conversation.
<editorsnote> I have blocked her name out of privacy and respect. Dudes, this chick rocks and didn't deserve this. </editorsnote>
Yep, so my fake internet boyfriend wasn't even a boyfriend it was a girlfriend. Weird!!! I am neither here nor there on this story now. Have been for a while to be honest - this person was just kinda meh. As you guys have read, it was a pretty gnarly time for me 2007-2008. This person was just a companion. We talked for hours on the phone, and I dunno - that part didn't suck.
This story as bat shit as it is, is still something I have to take responsibility for. I played a part in this ... a big part.
I am not naturally predisposed to want to have intimate relationships with people - like at all.
As you all know, I grew up estranged from both sides of my family - was then stalked as a teen by my best friends, and when I was younger had a Dr. do some inappropriate things. So pretty much growing up everyone I should have been able to trust ended up betraying me in some capacity. I have one thing to say to all of these people ... SO WHAT!!!
Shit happens. And so it is. Today is my day, and it is my choice what I am going to do with it. I spent 24 years dwelling on so much, that now the idea of spending 24 micro seconds of it makes me wanna cringe - I wasn't happy. We ALLLLLLLLLLLL go through shit. So what.
What I am responsible for now is recognizing that this is a childhood trigger for me, and figure out what my next doable actions are in removing some of my walls and blocks to be more of an emotionally productive member of society. Dudes, I don't want to be single forever ... but this is a big block.
The chickadee even said it - she didn't want anyone getting too close to her either.
Ahem, birds of a feather!!!!!
I know for a fact for me it was self esteem problems that allowed so many of these whackadoodle noodle circumstances into my life - but now, it's so what. I KNOW I am worth it, but that took me a really long time to get. I've always been a loaner, and I've always just done my own thing. Now as an adult it has served me amazingly well - I have this brand which is my baby ... but I'm ready for more.
I'm ready to let love back into my heart, and to let love back into my life. But again, life is reflective - it starts with me.
My roomie totally hit the nail on the head the other day when we were at the Incubus concert. I was drooling over Brandon, and I said, yeah but I could never date a rocker. It would get old.
Without missing a beat she said, don't you think that's how guys think of you and your lifestyle?
I was impressed with her timing, delivery, and potential for being under 140 characters.
I did this. I choose to broadcast my life, and my experiences - but I'm doing it all in real time. There are no answers because I am still uncovering the questions. The thing I am most proud of however is that I am actively seeking. The documentation of my life has enabled me to psychoanalyze without emotion. It allows me to figure out my state of consciousness throughout the story telling, while also offering a therapeutic and cathartic release of it all as well.
It's bat shit ... but it's working. Had I not documented my OKC dates, I prolly wouldn't have been able to tie together that out of the 103 the 4 that I wanted more from were all emotionally unavailable in some capacity. That is HUGE. HUGE. HUGE!!
Coming from a chick that spent half of her life in and out of therapy ... why the hell didn't they tell me about some of these things?!?!? What in me was so afraid to speak up?!?!?!?!
I just want to thank you all again so so much for reading. This outlet has been the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. I'm such a different person now, and excited for what the future holds. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you social mediaaaaa!!!! =) =) =)
Saturday, February 2, 2013 at 12:39PM
click the screenshot to comment on Facebook
