#HowTo: Find out the identity of a fake internet boyfriend/ girlfriend

Every.single.day.now. I wake up to an email, comment, or tweet about someone telling me their version of a "catfish" story. (read mine here) 

Having a fake internet boyfriend/ girlfriend is an extremely, extremely shameful experience. We all think we are too smart to have something like that happen to us, but you have to remember, these people are EXPERTS at pulling at the heartstrings.

Particularly, when they attack you for questioning them when they can't meet you for "whatever dramatic reason." 

My guy (who was actually a girl) told me I was heartless for not feeling empathy when his dad died. 

Here's an exerpt from his blog on Myspace that he posted when I wrote out our story on this site: 

I have not had any contact with you for a year, even though you presumably constantly stalked me here. I've looked the other way when you talked shit about me to one person, because frankly I don't care to get back in contact with you. Especially after you told me to "Get Over It" when I wouldn't give you my full attention due to my dad being in the hospital at the time. To which you then denied ever saying and conveniently responded you "blacked it out" when I confronted you about it.

It sucks. 

Nothing about this life experience is pleasurable or something anyone should ever strive to have. The problem is knowing where to go and what to do after you've experienced something like this. What are your options? 

Well, first take as much info as you have on the person and head to the google!!! 

In my case, I had his myspace handle No1Uknow00. 

If you put that into a quick google search this is what pops up ... 

The top hit is a photobucket account. 

From there, I clicked on the photos and as you scroll down you can see one of the photos has the title "me." 

I then went through the album and saw the other photos of this person and one of the titles had this ... 

The name Sarah. 

That was all I needed to know that no1uknow00 (which is not a common handle) was connected to this person who is not a guy named Dare, but rather a woman by the name of Sarah. 

My story happened years ago, and by the time I had written about it (after being contacted by another victim on Facebook) I was absolutely and utterly over this person. 

I knew Dare at that point was a phony and while I hadn't connected the dots in the search quite yet, I had let all of it go and moved on with my life. 

I've never spoken to Sarah, nor do I know her last name. (In writing this post though I did conduct a reverse google image search to see if anything came up, and nothing did.) 

Who knows if it really is "Sarah" or if this is some inception-type Catfishing with a story inside a story. 

All of that karma belongs to "Sarah" and not me. My next doable actions in this scenario were to identify what in me attracted this into my life. 

This was pre my ah-ha moment of emotional unavailability courtesy of the 103 dates in 9 months, btw.

My suggestion to anyone looking to find out more info on their Catfish is to work with what info you have. This is obviously a case by case basis, but let's say you met them in a chat or forum, why not google the handle and see what info comes up on other sites? 

In my case, his fake name also had an address linked to it. In my frustration I drove to AZ once to see him, but felt showing up at someone's apartment was a bit "next level." 

I don't suggest showing up at someone's door since it could put you in harms way (maybe your catfish is a Dexter type), but that's your call. 

At the end of the day though, again, you have to understand that there is no "winning" in this type of scenario. Even if you find them, and track them down the answers aren't really going to solve anything. (Although it does make for good TV on the Catfish TV show.) In most cases this experience isn't even personal. These people talk to 15-20 other people at a time and show very little remorse for their actions. 

The best course of action is to employ a lot of self love, and lick your wounds darling. No answers will ever solve the pain and it can actually impede in your emotional growth and healing process. 

My suggestion, food for thought. Oh look a kitty!!! 

#NerdsUnite

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#RealDeal: Let up on Manti Te'o, yo!

Obviously, all of social media and the mainstream media in general is buzzing right now about America's football sweetheart Manti Te'o's now fake internet girlfriend. 

The story, which was one of the most inspirational to come out of college football in quite some time, captured national attention as it was revealed in Sports Illustrated that in a span of just six hours that Manti had lost both his grandmother and his girlfriend. 

Yesterday, deadspin exposed, that the entire thing was a hoax. 

Memes then started to spread like wildfire ... 

Alrite, has everyone had a good laugh? 

Did you all get it out of your system? 

Good!!!!

Stories like this make for good shows, and entertaining tabloid TV but for the person that this happened to, it is EXTREMELY embarrassing. 

As you all know, I had my own "Catfish" story back in 2007 (read the initial post here, his response here, and the most recent update here). I remember hitting publish on the story back in 2010 when everything went down and I was VISIBLY shaking. There is so much shame around something like this. You can sit there objectively and say, how can someone be so stupid, or how could ANYONE believe a story like that? 

The fact of the matter is, these "catfishes" pull at the heartstrings of very naive people. It starts off COMPLETELY innocent, but they are very very very good at what they do and the manipulation they are able to execute. 

The people that fall for this genuinely do see the good in people, and because of life's reflective nature how could they even comprehend pulling off a sophisticated stunt like that? 

I am an extremely, extremely logical person and even I defended my own Catfish for a year with my friends. 

(Mine was pre the online dating boom, so even meeting someone from online in general was SUPER creepy.) 

I would lie over and over saying that oh yeah, we briefly met at this party but nothing happened. 

Did I believe even through all the "sketchy" stories and "failed" attempts to meet IRL he was real? 

No. 

I knew deep down he wasn't, but there was this big part of my ego that wanted to believe. I didn't want to believe I could be so stupid, and I didn't want to believe something like this could happen to me. 

It is an EXTREMELY shameful experience. I cannot stress that enough. 

Now, back to Manti, he's going to be laughing all the way to the bank. There is NO DOUBT that he was deceived and I SERIOUSLY doubt he was in on it in ANY regard (as again the shame associated with this would make you want to BURY this as much as possible, not make it public fodder). We are all talking about him right now, which will not only increase his chances of getting into the NFL but also give him a greater chance of securing endorsements. 

At the end of the day as well, it is highlighting a very serious issue in the online dating community, and I'm all for it. It's unfortunate that he is going to be the poster child for "catfishing" for some time, but please let's also remember the countless others that have also been deceived and may still be experiencing deep levels of shame. 

How did I get over my "catfish" experience? 

1) I wrote about it. It was one of the scariest and most liberating things I have ever done. If you're going through something similar, just write about it. Put it in a journal, start a tumblr, heck even email me and I'll post it JenFriel at Talknerdytomelover d c. Admitting that it happened is the first step. 

2) Get back out there. Right after my Catfish and I ended, I put myself right back in the bar scene, and even wound up dating someone a few months later. 

3) Do some soul searching and realize what part you played. Everything in life takes two to tango. There is no such thing as an "independent" experience since we are all so intertwined and all feeding off of each other's energy at every given moment. Ask yourself, what in me attracted this situation? In my case, I was closed off emotionally. I had just gotten out of a relationship (and found out that my ex had also gotten the girl after me pregnant). I was extremely fragile, and I was prime for an experience like this. (Especially working online at the time in such a public manner.) Bottom line was that I had to figure my shit out. (damnit, curse jar.) I'm still a work in progress, but every day I am becoming more and more self aware. 

Life is one big journey, nerderinos. Enjoy the ride!!! =) 

#thatisall

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#NerdsUnite: Confessions of a "catfish"-er (one year later)

Out of all of the stories I have written, and at last count I'm somewhere in the 6,700 range ... hands down my most relatable story has been the one about my fake internet boyfriend (aka a MTV Catfish story). 

It's a horrible thing to experience. I remember writing out the post and shaking. Reading his response and getting threatened with a lawsuit was even scarier. 

All that I knew at the end of the day was that I was going to stand my ground. If I was wrong, and this person was the person they were I TOTALLY would have apologized and taken the post down. 

What happened? 

He went away. 

... and actually I found out it wasn't even a "he" it was a "she."

Last year, I had someone reach out and tell me that she was in fact "catfishing" her best friend. 

Here was her story ... 

You can read my response to her here.

While I was traveling to CES this past week I got an email back from this girl with the subject "a year later" ... 

I was so so so happy to read that email. I am not a doctor nor do I even want to pretend to be one, but people like that genuinely do need to get help so they can find the root of their addiction. 

On the flip side of things though, I truly commend these "catfishes" for keeping up with all of their stories and for being so creative and elaborate. If only these talents were channeled in a more "healthy" manner, but again that is their karma to deal with and none of my business. 

Congrats on the transformation and I wish you well on your journey. 

#NerdsUnite

#TrueStory: I was dumped by my fake internet boyfriend - Update!

DUDDESSSS!!! There's an update to the #TrueStory: I was dumped by my fake internet boyfriend. A good update ... a really good one. First off, if you haven't read the story click here to read. It's cool, I'll just sit here and twiddle my thumbs. Doop dee doo ... lah dee dah ...

K ... so because of that post, you guys were able to track down some accounts for me - one of them being photobucket. Well, just the other day there was a comment on the post asking whatever happened with this story - I then decided to revisit the photobucket account and found out that there was a new picture posted. This one had the title "Me" underneath it indicating that it was a personal photo.

Why is all of this sounding so dramatic and scandalous? Oh, because it was a female.

My fake internet boyfriend wasn't even a dude, it was a chick. Are you fucking kidding me?!?!?! HAHAHAAHA thats hilarious.

I then decided to hit up the other chickadee that "dated" this person and here is our actual Facebook conversation.

<editorsnote> I have blocked her name out of privacy and respect. Dudes, this chick rocks and didn't deserve this. </editorsnote>

Yep, so my fake internet boyfriend wasn't even a boyfriend it was a girlfriend. Weird!!! I am neither here nor there on this story now. Have been for a while to be honest - this person was just kinda meh. As you guys have read, it was a pretty gnarly time for me 2007-2008. This person was just a companion. We talked for hours on the phone, and I dunno - that part didn't suck.

This story as bat shit as it is, is still something I have to take responsibility for. I played a part in this ... a big part.

I am not naturally predisposed to want to have intimate relationships with people - like at all.

As you all know, I grew up estranged from both sides of my family - was then stalked as a teen by my best friends, and when I was younger had a Dr. do some inappropriate things. So pretty much growing up everyone I should have been able to trust ended up betraying me in some capacity. I have one thing to say to all of these people ... SO WHAT!!!

Shit happens. And so it is. Today is my day, and it is my choice what I am going to do with it. I spent 24 years dwelling on so much, that now the idea of spending 24 micro seconds of it makes me wanna cringe - I wasn't happy. We ALLLLLLLLLLLL go through shit. So what.

What I am responsible for now is recognizing that this is a childhood trigger for me, and figure out what my next doable actions are in removing some of my walls and blocks to be more of an emotionally productive member of society. Dudes, I don't want to be single forever ... but this is a big block.

The chickadee even said it - she didn't want anyone getting too close to her either.

Ahem, birds of a feather!!!!!

I know for a fact for me it was self esteem problems that allowed so many of these whackadoodle noodle circumstances into my life - but now, it's so what. I KNOW I am worth it, but that took me a really long time to get. I've always been a loaner, and I've always just done my own thing. Now as an adult it has served me amazingly well - I have this brand which is my baby ... but I'm ready for more.

I'm ready to let love back into my heart, and to let love back into my life. But again, life is reflective - it starts with me.

My roomie totally hit the nail on the head the other day when we were at the Incubus concert. I was drooling over Brandon, and I said, yeah but I could never date a rocker. It would get old.

Without missing a beat she said, don't you think that's how guys think of you and your lifestyle?

I was impressed with her timing, delivery, and potential for being under 140 characters.

I did this. I choose to broadcast my life, and my experiences - but I'm doing it all in real time. There are no answers because I am still uncovering the questions. The thing I am most proud of however is that I am actively seeking. The documentation of my life has enabled me to psychoanalyze without emotion. It allows me to figure out my state of consciousness throughout the story telling, while also offering a therapeutic and cathartic release of it all as well.

It's bat shit ... but it's working. Had I not documented my OKC dates, I prolly wouldn't have been able to tie together that out of the 103 the 4 that I wanted more from were all emotionally unavailable in some capacity. That is HUGE. HUGE. HUGE!!

Coming from a chick that spent half of her life in and out of therapy ... why the hell didn't they tell me about some of these things?!?!? What in me was so afraid to speak up?!?!?!?!

I just want to thank you all again so so much for reading. This outlet has been the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. I'm such a different person now, and excited for what the future holds. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you social mediaaaaa!!!! =) =) =)

#loveyoulongtime