#NerdsUnite: Dating, Depression, & Hope (attempting to find balance)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Fran. She's currently living the island life after giving up 15 years spent in the corporate world. WOW! What an adjustment. She is here to talk about her life, love, and all things nerd. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT FRAN!!! </editorsnote> 

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Fran Dingle

It was some time in my late 20s that I started hearing about balance.  At work.  At yoga.  From older more wise friends from other countries.  “Fran where is your balance?”.  I suck at balance.  I only know how to ride the highest waves, I seek the free fall rush.  In love.  On projects.  I know how to wholeheartedly lose myself in someone and something.  What I do not know how to do is obtain balance.  I get too high from riding the waves of butterfly love and praise from others that I lose myself so quickly and so easily time and time again.  It’s only after I have crashed and am hiding in my depression shell that balance pops into my conscious thinking brain.  At this point I resent the balance I was yet again unable to achieve.

Then I covet.  All of you, everyone else – they have balance.  Fucking jerks.  They have jobs relationships children high level responsibilities beautiful homes, they have balance.  Their lives are good.  They make it work. Everyone else has happy routines, they have lives.  I never see or hear about any of YOU hiding away for days, weeks, months, YEARS trapped in your own heads, insisting on your personal unworthiness.

This past weekend was ground breaking for me.  I went ALONE, completely alone to an event.  Driving to the event my brain was crazy ouch mother fucking messy.  I came up with several different game plans on the way to the event to skip the event.  I tried to will a cramp, a migraine, I wanted to throw up but couldn’t.  On repeat was “this is going to suck, no one is going to talk to you, everyone is going to look at you and say why the fuck is she here”  Couples are going to secretly call you the strange lady alone and question why is she here.

Somehow I pushed away the coocoo talk I was having with myself.  Instead of driving past the event to a little coffee shop where I planned to hide and kill time with an iced peppermint latte, I went.  And wouldn’t you know, I had a GREAT time.  Go frigging figure.

The event was an annual parade, The Krewe de Barkus, I volunteered to walk one of the animal shelter dogs in the parade.   My initial angst about being the weird girl alone quickly disappeared when I discovered one of my neighbors was also volunteering, we chummed around the whole the time and I had an absolute blast down on the board walk in Christiansted – we grabbed lunch, put up flyers, sat around joking with the other volunteers, had many laughs people watching.  Another friend ended up meeting up with me at the parade, it was the first time we had hung out in a while. Not only was I having a genuine great time in the warm St Croix sunshine, I was rekindling an important friendship.  I definitely was not a girl alone and people did not avoid me while whispering behind their hands.

On Monday I went to the shelter to walk some of the dogs, they desperately need help with this.  I ended up walking six dogs and met a bunch of really nice people.  Again no angst.  I rarely have angst when animal angst is present, animal angst of any sort trumps my shit any day.  I’m hoping I can help these dogs on their way to finding forever homes as they help me right back.  A super cool group of people work at the shelter, everyone was really nice to me.  I walked six dogs, 4 big ones and two little ones.  Oh they were so happy to be out!  And they were such good dogs.  Oh I wish I could bring them all home.  I’m going back to walk them tomorrow.  My fingers are crossed some of them aren’t there anymore.  The secretary asked me if I wanted to help them this coming Sunday at a car show – to walk the dogs and use my big booming voice through the crowd to draw attention to the dogs being up for adoption.  It makes me happier than happy when someone is specifically asking me to USE MY LOUD VOICE as this rarely happens it’s always a “SHHHH Fran, god!” said in a most bitchy manner.  Yay yay YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!

So what’s different now versus a month ago?  2 months ago?  2 weeks ago?  First of all, the biggest change is that I am writing.  I’m writing consistently no matter what even when I don’t want to.  It’s coming out.  All of it.  I’m keeping up with this blog and I am journaling again even if it’s just a few sentences or I write “I don’t want to write right now” I am writing.  Which means I am alive.  Which means my brain is working towards a positive freeing action versus a dark spiteful coveting action.  I’m also AWARE of my insane insecurities and I’m not taking comfort in them.  I am fighting them tooth and nail.  I’m allowing myself a little slack to have bad moments, bad days, even bad weeks.  I’m no longer feeling like these occasional downturns are the way it’s supposed to be.  I’m quite tuned into the fact that it’s the depression that turns this all around on me and not the other way around.  Life is not supposed to suck and today it definitely doesn’t suck.  Pushing thru the insanity and consciously stopping it on Saturday has allowed me to get out of the house and out of my head.

Another positive step I have taken is work on maintaining my solid forever friendships as well as throwing out some olive branches to a few folks I walked away from for no reason.   It’s so nice when I allow myself to step out of resentmentville.  Where I covet everyONE and everyTHING else.  When I am envious of your struggles because at least you have something to struggle over.  When I’m not trapped in that insanity I am a lovely and delightful friend and of late I am cherishing getting to be that friend.  My mind isn’t eating itself telling me you are only friends with me because you feel sorry for me.

So back to balance.  It’s creeping into my life.  Ever so slowly, but’s that ok. I’m now able to see what so many friends and all of my therapists have stressed to me all along.  I am able to understand not every situation isn’t going to be the funnest most special time ever.  I have never wanted a canned evening on repeat over and over, I’m doing a really good job of making sure I’m not attempting to recreate one.   There is no need to devour this thing they call life, devour and hastily consume the moments of good.  Suck the life out of them before they have a chance to be enjoyed for real and with balance.  When I do that the good is over too quick and the bad that follows always lingers longer and is held deeper than any of the good.   The mental anguish is being pushed further and further away.  I’m really putting myself out there – mind body and soul and I’m enjoying myself versus deconstructing myself and every move I make.  It feels delicious and I am very determined to keep embracing the goodness of all the wonderful things and people around me.  I’m finally starting to feel and am able to embrace what I have been coveting for so long:  balance.

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." George Bernard Shaw

#nerdsunite

Click here to follow Fran on twitter!

#NerdsUnite: Dating, Depression, and Hope (A messy mind makes it hard to write)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Fran. She's currently living the island life after giving up 15 years spent in the corporate world. WOW! What an adjustment. She is here to talk about her life, love, and all things nerd. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT FRAN!!! </editorsnote> 

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Fran Dingle

Oh the mess of mistakes I have made when it comes boys, men and men who act like boys.  I have no regrets, none.  I’ve learned a lot.  In the process of thinking about writing about all of the unworthy men I have encountered I decided not to take a trip down misery lane.  I’m not harboring any guilt or shame about loves of the past.  In fact for the most part when it comes to love, I have been very lucky.  Before the depression became heavy and changed up my brain, love life and dating was something I really enjoyed.

I was very fortunate in my 20s, I had two long term relationships.  Sure they both ended, but the lessons learned and the love that was shared was totally worth it.  My first real adult love was magic and special – amazing and one of kind in my young love floaty mind.  We fell in love in a rose garden, while sitting on benches in the Boston Museum of Fine Arts Rose Garden.  On a lovely fall day when the air was perfect and love was definitely in the air.  5 years later and a break up from hell I walked away one strong ass woman.  Within 2 years of that relationship ending I ended up traveling to Europe twice and across the country three times.  I had a cute little one bedroom apartment with trippy The Lion The Witch and The Wardrobe wall paper from 1972.  The next relationship, while destined to fail at the very beginning had some pretty amazing moments.  Two kick ass vacations on Nantucket.  Relationship 2 started out one June night during New England heat wave.  90 plus degrees with very high humidity.  He and I were out for beers as friends – we drank way more than anyone ever should on a Wednesday.  All of a sudden a large transformer right outside the bar BLEW UP.  At that point he and I gave in to the sparks we were both feeling for each other.  Last call was immediate we stumbled and groped each other 2 blocks to his house, proceeded to have mind blowing naked time while listening to the easy rock local radio station.  Hours later we woke up, proclaimed our love for each other and embarked on one hellacious relationship.  When relationship two ended I ended up with a divine one bedroom apartment in Charlestown.  I became the hostess with the mostest and had friends from all over the country and city over often.  More trips to Europe followed and then a relocation to San Diego, a new job and a kick ass apartment in La Jolla.

It was in my 30s that my depression furiously kicked things up a notch and my once sane thinking mind got messy.  Seriously fucked up messy for a very long time.  I started second guessing all of my personal decisions.  I stopped writing.  One day my writing brain just stopped.  It wasn’t the men I was picking, it was ME.  I was slowly building up my army of one against myself.  In thinking about writing a post about the unworthy men in my life, I got to thinking more about the strength and the courage I gained from these blips in my autobiography.  These men, these choices, these bad decisions and myriad of mistakes and I am still unable to truly hate on any of them.   I don’t hate myself for the choices.  Sure some of them of not very proud of, but None of them will ever be more than a few sentences in my life story and the lessons learned bring healthy enlightenment and peace to the woman I am now a days.  I am very strong, I have much to be proud of and my potential really is limitless as long as I tap into it and keep the brain happy.

By big news of the past few days is exciting.  I’m in the process of setting up my first OKC date– go me!  He doesn’t live on St Croix, he lives in Puerto Rico. Kind of like one state away on the mainland.  Luckily for him and me JetBlue just started flying here direct from San Juan and they are still offering super low one way fares – less than $100 round trip and that includes taxes!  An additional bonus is my boss owns an Eco-Lodge and has offered it to me to use anytime for friends and family.   The guy and I are going to rough it for the weekend together in one of the cabins.  Our loose agenda is a rain forest hike, a long walk on the west end beaches, maybe some ruins and a horse back ride.  We’re planning to have an open fire cook off – I’m curious to see if he can actually cook. Wait til he sees what I am capable of with only a small amount of ingredients!  We’ve hit it off fairly well online, let’s see if this is anything more than a new cool friend once we’re IRL.  Although it would be nice to want to see him naked.  No matter what I am looking forward to the weekend he visits.  I know I am a fantastic hostess.  Camp is spectacular and the island is lovely right now.  Until then I will keep enjoying myself with our online interactions, yay for Skype!

It’s been very hard to write this week.  I am a day late with my blog.  For three days this past week I was deep in my dark head.  Second guessing my responses to some important emails, heavy and tired.  Didn’t feel pretty so that means I won’t look in the mirror or care much about my appearance.  Then I remembered how good it feels to write, how elated I always feel.  This blog brings me a freedom and I will be damned if the depression eats my mind away from it.  No.  Please no.  Not this time.  I am very determined to break the cycle of my wandering lonely mind.  I will have a life and I will be happy.  I’ve started my Latin classes and am enjoying the homework.  Soon my Creative Writing class starts and I cannot wait.  By literally flat out refusing to be miserable, the noose around my writing brain came off and it feels so good.   Today I feel pretty and I am pretty, inside and out.  Thanks for reading. Cheers!

“Piti, piti, wazo fe nich li. Little by little the bird builds its nest.” Haitian proverb

#thatisall

Blog:  http://anxiousboysmissdessert.blogspot.com/

Twitter:  @franniedingle

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#NerdsUnite: Dating, Depression, & Hope (Personal Enlightenment from a Vintage Read)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Fran. She's currently living the island life after giving up 15 years spent in the corporate world. WOW! What an adjustment. She is here to talk about her life, love, and all things nerd. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT FRAN!!! </editorsnote> 

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Fran Dingle

One of the nerdy things I like to do is peruse used book stores and yard sales specifically looking for old books.  At most yard sales there is always the token book box or table.  I devour these.  It kills me that people discard books.  Discard a book?  I could never.  Burn a book?  Don’t get me started.

I have always cherished my books.  Since early childhood books have been a huge part of my world.  My grandmother and the person I am named after (thanks Nanny, for passing along the Frances AND the Gertrude) taught me how to read at age 3.  It was ON from day one.  I vividly remember the excitement of looking at street signs in my neighborhood and knowing what they said, Anthony Ave, Bigger Circle, Salem Street, I was even more excited when I figured out directions and could write them down.  Words, books and stories became something I could not get enough of.  After all of the amazing Dr. Seuss and the plethora of nursery rhymes and fairytales I was often found reading the set of World Book Encyclopedias my family owned.  I cherished this set of books like no other.  Even in high school I used this set for research.  The set was bought in 1972 from a door to door sales man.  My family paid for them over 3 months.  To me these books were precious and sacred.  They were leather bound heavy and important.  I read every single one of them MANY times.

I collect books.  I would never and could never give away a book I read.  I even keep books I dislike.  They are MY BOOKs and I know every single one of them.  Last weekend I ventured to one of the only thrift type stores on the island, The Animal Shelter Flea Market – 100% of the proceeds go directly to the animal shelter.  I LOVE THIS PLACE.  Steals galore - lots of people leave island at 3 am, discarding entire households full of every item you could imagine.  Good Samaritans truck the discarded items to the Flea Market.   The book selection is HUGE and every time I visit I always walk out with 5-10 books, as usual I ended up with 6 new books at my last visit (4 of which I have already finished cover to cover).  I love old books, especially first and second editions of what I consider to be GEMS.  I would like to share what I consider to be my latest gem as it pertains to dating.  Not the dating world of today – the dating world which no longer exists – I give you Emily Post’s Etiquette The Blue Book of Social Usage, copyright 1945:

You would think a book published by a company with FUNK in their Company name would include some spicy information or at least a section on how to correctly bring on the funk.   Apparently there was no funk to be brought in 1945 or they purposefully forget to include a section about bringing it.

This here book contains some serious hard core RULES about life love and the pursuit of 2.75 children a 4 bedroom 3 bath house with a pool and picket fence life on a lovely safe and quiet culdesac with lots of vibrant popping flowers and shiny clean streets.  There are sections for parlor maids and butlers detailing what the help must be doing at all times (never turn your back to the lady of the house or her guests!) and how the uppers should be speaking to them.  Oh and Chapter 13 is all about balls, I kid you not.   This chapter had me giggling out loud every other sentence.

I could not stop laughing as I read my latest gem.  The world described in this book doesn’t exist anymore.  Where the folks of 1945 left calling cards with the butler at the door if the hostess wasn’t available, we have Facebook walls.  When this book was written a FWB was considered a big taboo.  Today it’s the only way to get laid at some points in one’s life.  Scandalous!  There is an entire section relating to the chaperone – every time I read the word chaperone I thought of a Bluth family member yelling “NO TOUCHING!!!”.  My grandmother, Mrs. Frances Gertrude Dec, would have been happier than a pig in shit if she had been able to accompany me on dates as a chaperone and yell NO TOUCHING!! from the back seat.  Miss Post doesn’t take long in responding with a resounding loud and clear NO when covering the answer to the question guys often ask towards the end of a date, “Wanna go to my place for a drink?”

If I had adhered to Miss Post’s strong belief in NEVER venturing alone to a man’s apartment, I definitely would not have woke up in some of the strange ass places I’ve drunkenly woke up in.  One that stands out quite vividly was opening my eyes around 5 am – I was in an apartment I did not remember coming to several towns outside of Boston proper where I lived at the time.  I awoke on a scratchy futon under a thick dirty blanket smelling like cat pee.   Next to a sweaty hairy beast of a man.  I tiptoed out so not to wake the slippery monster snoring under a ripped sheet.   No breakfast, just a very awkward ride home on the T in ripped tights and a teeny tiny skirt while teetering on 4 inch Steve Madden platform club shoes.  Crack hair in full effect at 8:30 am on a Tuesday.  Old men peered at me over the tops of their newspapers.  Maybe Miss Post wasn’t off the mark with this one, because that memory is the opposite of classy, more like Klassy with a capital K.

In 1945 there was no online dating, nothing even remotely close to it, you were introduced face to face at dances by family members or close friends of your family.   The day to day life chronicled in this book is a way of life the youngsters of today will never know.  While I laughed my ass for the most part while reading and referencing Emily Post’s Etiquette, a little part of me did get wistful.  For the day and age of wooing, courting and hand written love letters – in cursive.  A time when manners, inner worthiness and integrity mattered much more to society as a whole.

My fingers are still crossed OKC will throw something my way.  All I want is a date, a simple meet and greet first date.  The odds are supposed to be significantly in my favor – they say the island ratio is 10 guys to every 1 girl. I’m also putting myself out there by volunteering and attending community events.  One of the super cool benefits of living here, there are always tons of community events – art shows, music at sunset, road races, non-profit fundraisers.  So far online dating has led to naught, but I am still hopeful. I’m slowly making friends and definitely have a good amount of acquaintances.  Most importantly I am not rushing.

My latest vintage book has reopened my eyes back to an important focus.  I insist on worthy. My standards of today appear rigid and old fashioned compared to my penchant for one night stands and bad boys who couldn’t read or spell.  For a long time I picked the most unworthy of men.   In my next blog I plan to write about being the master of my own destruction, so many unworthy men I really didn’t like and definitely didn’t love.  How I threw worthy out the door and picked the worst of the lot over and over.   And how I insist on not doing any of that ever again.  I’ve learned you cannot live with shame of yourself or others even if you hide it deep and swear you have forgotten and I look forward to releasing these inner demons.

Today and for the past two weeks I have fought hard to not wallow in the depression. The blog, getting out of the house and interacting with others socially is definitely aiding in keeping my mind from eating itself.  3 solid weeks of consistency in life, love and the pursuit of happiness.  Holy shit I must be doing something right, thanks for reading and reaching out! Cheers.

"The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved, loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves."  Victor Hugo

#nerdsunite

Click here to follow Fran on twitter!

#NerdsUnite: Kicking Depression’s Sad Sorry Ass to the Curb

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Fran. She's currently living the island life after giving up 15 years spent in the corporate world. WOW! What an adjustment. She is here to talk about her life, love, and all things nerd. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT FRAN!!! </editorsnote> 

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Fran Dingle

This past Sunday I attended my very first SGI-USA Buddhist Meeting (www.sgi-usa.org).  It was awesome, from the beginning to the end I felt the soft gentle love of the room.  Every single person I met, in their own individual way, were all emitting an extraordinary happy joy.  I walked away from the meeting feeling very peaceful and free.  It was a beautiful Sunday morning. Hours later I was still feeling the feel good side effects of being around such an ethereal and serene group.  During the meeting a message from the President was read out loud and I can’t stop thinking about it: A quote from The Writings of Nichiren Daishonin vol I, pg 681: “There is no true happiness other than upholding faith in the Lotus Sutra.  This is what is meant by ‘peace and security in their present existence and good circumstances in future existences.’ Though worldly troubles may arise, never let them disturb you.  No one can avoid problems, not even sages or worthies…Suffer what there is to suffer, enjoy what there is to enjoy.  Regard both suffering and joy as facts of life, and continue chanting Nam-myoho-renge-kyo, no matter what happens.”

It’s really nice to have the chant and this passage ruminating through the messball of my head.  Between the Budda Meeting and knowing I have a blog to turn in,  I now have so much to look forward to.  I am so grateful for this blog as a place to turn. I knew I was heading down into the deep dark well of depression some time in the mid-fall.  I felt it in my lack of motivation for the simplest task, my inability to pay attention,  I was rushing to do nothing constantly.  I was unsatisfied in everything and everyone around me.   I was running around like I was the producer of the Oscars with a todo list a mile long, but I didn’t have the team nor the orchestra that an Oscar producer has.  I was running on empty.  Hating.  Coveting.  Miserable.

December everything went from bad to HORRIBLE.  My beloved cat Moulie passed away.  She was my first baby, the first pet of my life that was all mine….where I was the primary and only care giver.   I’m still not able to really write or talk about losing my Mouls.  I didn’t even mention it on FB.  It’s not something I can talk about.  Out of the blue, the guy I was dating, just stopped communicating with me.  Things had been going pretty good with him for about 3 months.  He was a fellow cat lover (and also just lost a beloved cat) and was definitely empathetic about my loss.  A good friend of mine visited the island in November and spent time with me and the guy.  My girlfriend LOVED the guy.  They got along superbly; we had lots of fun the times the three of us hung out.  My parents liked him.  His mom was the one who set us up!  I could not believe the guy I am dating and it’s going well – not fake well, for real really well – is choosing drinks with a friend (who he drinks with several times a week mind you, this wasn’t an off island visiting BFF) over me AKA crazy cat lady insane animal lover who really needs her guy right now.  UGH.  I took my usual par the course with my depression I walked away.  He did not pursue communication further and I started to build my mental brick wall against the whole ordeal of him.  Poof done.

Then in the blink of an eye it was Christmas and my birthday.  On Christmas Eve I wasn’t feeling well, I was definitely feverish and off.  I went to bed in hopes of waking up sans the sickness I knew was brewing.  My hopes were unfounded, I had a full blown tropical flu of a most horrible caliber.  I was sick for almost two weeks.  The fever, the cough, the overall lethargy, in addition to not having a real Christmas or birthday really sent me reeling.  My depression was full blown at this point, the little energy I did have was saved for a daily shower and then I promptly went back to bed.  I couldn’t read, couldn’t focus, I hated every minute of every single day.  Everyone and everything bothered me.

About a week before I reached out to Jen I knew I was in seriously bad shape because for three solid days in a row I woke up and went right back to bed.  I would sleep on and off and then WHAM the clock would tell me 3 pm, 7 pm, 9 pm.  Bu then sleep stopped coming and that’s a huge deal breaker with me and my depression, as long as I can sleep I am content in my own misery.  At this point sleep indeed left me, the little sleep I was getting sucked.  I was running on empty, lifeless really really down in the worst of dumps.

Then I read Jen’s post about creating your own destiny, getting out of the OUT THERE and something started to click.  I got to thinking – why the fuck are you letting this disease get the best of you?  You don’t suck, stop telling yourself that you do.  Get out of bed, get back to life.  And just like THAT the shit in my head stopped.  It literally stopped.

I reached out to Jen and started blogging.  I hung out with friends who were desperate to see me and were so happy I stopped isolating.  I volunteered.  I wrote.  I created an OKC profile and crossed my fingers, I created art, took pictures, I sang and I danced a happy private dance all alone in my room.   I went to the Buddha meeting and had an amazing time.   My mindful brain was able to function and was able to overcome the depression.  Three weeks ago I hated the world and myself.  Today I firmly believe in hope for tomorrow and each day I am more and more determined to NOT let this disease run my life or my brain.  I’m way more focused and I’m not rushing around for anything.  I recognize as long I am sharing and creating and writing, all is well in my world. 

I am really looking forward to writing more and sharing some of my fun and crazy stories with the TNTML community.   Thank you so much for reading and for the love!

#nerdsunite

Click here to follow Fran on twitter!

#NerdsUnite: Dating, Depression, and Hope

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Fran. She's currently living the island life after giving up 15 years spent in the corporate world. WOW! What an adjustment. She is here to talk about her life, love, and all things nerd. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT FRAN!!! </editorsnote> 

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Fran Dingle

January 11, 2012 7:16 am My dog woke me up with a tap tap tap to my cheek signaling she was more than ready for breakfast. I roll over and make the first moves towards starting the day. As I head out to the kitchen for Gert’s breakfast I stop at my laptop and give the mouse a shake to take a look at my gmail inbox. I’m used to seeing an odd assortment of spammy emails that come in overnight - FREE SHIPPING FROM AMAZON, 25% BEAUTY PRODUCTS AT CVS… or a rare late night email from a friend. Today was different though, today a most extraordinary thing happened. My heart skipped a beat. Today I had an email from the amazing Jen Friel informing me she would like me to write for TNTML.

I didn’t do a happy dance, I got quiet. A little dizzy. Then a series of warm soft tears fell from my eyes. I sat down on my chair. The first thing that popped into my head was today really is the first day of the rest of your life. I have never felt so strongly convinced in a clichéd saying. An overwhelming feeling of gratitude overcame me. A strong sense of reality grasped me and my next conscious thought was “Frannie you can so do this!”

So here I am, writing my first blog for TNTML and attempting to tackle my evil inner demons. I sent Jen an email commenting on her post about NOT living in the OUT THERE and a request to write for the site in hopes of saving myself from myself.

So who am I and what makes me nerdy? I am a fun free spirited 37 year old single woman. I spent the last 15 years at the highest level of Corporate America as an Executive Assistant to several CEOs. I gave up on the corporate world in March 2011 and moved to the small island of St. Croix with my parents. I am currently attempting to date on this small island and just recently created an OKC profile. I suffer from severe depression and have been fighting this evil disease for close to 8 years. I am not a fan of the anti-depressants or any of the other head drugs doctors so easily prescribe these days, but am I big advocate for therapy and wholeheartedly believe in the need for a higher power. I come to the TNTML community with a huge open mind, fiercely liberal, very intellectual and very nerdy. My goal is to share and receive feedback on dating, depression and hope.

My nerdy credentials are as follows: I own over 1000 books. I am a book junkie. At any given time I am reading 2-3 books. I prefer nonfiction but usually read well written fiction to balance out all the nonfiction I consume. My library contains over 400 books directly relating to Tudor England and the reign of Marie Antoinette. For Christmas three years ago I catalogued and bound an inventory of these books for my mom. I make homemade cards and write poetry. I collect stationary, china plates and rare first edition books. I love fonts and am fascinated by the paper making process. I am an avid reader of anything relating to WWII. I am a news junkie and prefer conversations about current events over anything TMZ calls breaking news. Before relocating to a small Caribbean island my weekends always involved thrift stores, used book stores and digging through the bargain bin at local boutiques. I love fashion and the history of fashion, fashion has no end, it is always evolving and I love to study it. I am novice photographer and love to spend entire days just me my camera alone in nature.

I have always been a writer, writing makes me feel alive like not much else. Words have always been my friend. I turn to TNTML as an outlet to get my creative writing juices flowing again. I turn to the community to vent about my depression, my writers block, my dating angst. I have never been a believer in New Years Resolutions, but I am firm believer in goals. My 2012 personal goals are as follows, I am in the process of entering all of these into www.43things.com in order to track them:

1. Start living in the real world and not in my own head

2. Commit to an exercise routine where I am working out for 1 hour 3-4 days a week

3. Take my vitamins each day

4. Return to academia to finish my neglected bachelors degree - I need to research schools ASAP and see if joining the fall semester at UVI is a possibility

5. Spend 2 hours each week working on Latin, 1 hour translating

6. Breathe - it's tattooed on my left wrist for a reason

7. Put myself out here and date – OKC here I come!

8. Secure a good part time job or 3 committed consultant gigs

9. Write and send 1 hand written letter a month

10. Return to my journaling and blogging, share my story, reach out to TNTML for support

I’m really looking forward to writing again and am cautiously optimistic I have a real chance, a writing chance versus a fighting chance to save myself from myself. Cheers and thanks for reading!

#thatisall

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