#NerdsUnite: Dating, Depression, & Hope (attempting to find balance)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Fran. She's currently living the island life after giving up 15 years spent in the corporate world. WOW! What an adjustment. She is here to talk about her life, love, and all things nerd. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT FRAN!!! </editorsnote> 

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Fran Dingle

It was some time in my late 20s that I started hearing about balance.  At work.  At yoga.  From older more wise friends from other countries.  “Fran where is your balance?”.  I suck at balance.  I only know how to ride the highest waves, I seek the free fall rush.  In love.  On projects.  I know how to wholeheartedly lose myself in someone and something.  What I do not know how to do is obtain balance.  I get too high from riding the waves of butterfly love and praise from others that I lose myself so quickly and so easily time and time again.  It’s only after I have crashed and am hiding in my depression shell that balance pops into my conscious thinking brain.  At this point I resent the balance I was yet again unable to achieve.

Then I covet.  All of you, everyone else – they have balance.  Fucking jerks.  They have jobs relationships children high level responsibilities beautiful homes, they have balance.  Their lives are good.  They make it work. Everyone else has happy routines, they have lives.  I never see or hear about any of YOU hiding away for days, weeks, months, YEARS trapped in your own heads, insisting on your personal unworthiness.

This past weekend was ground breaking for me.  I went ALONE, completely alone to an event.  Driving to the event my brain was crazy ouch mother fucking messy.  I came up with several different game plans on the way to the event to skip the event.  I tried to will a cramp, a migraine, I wanted to throw up but couldn’t.  On repeat was “this is going to suck, no one is going to talk to you, everyone is going to look at you and say why the fuck is she here”  Couples are going to secretly call you the strange lady alone and question why is she here.

Somehow I pushed away the coocoo talk I was having with myself.  Instead of driving past the event to a little coffee shop where I planned to hide and kill time with an iced peppermint latte, I went.  And wouldn’t you know, I had a GREAT time.  Go frigging figure.

The event was an annual parade, The Krewe de Barkus, I volunteered to walk one of the animal shelter dogs in the parade.   My initial angst about being the weird girl alone quickly disappeared when I discovered one of my neighbors was also volunteering, we chummed around the whole the time and I had an absolute blast down on the board walk in Christiansted – we grabbed lunch, put up flyers, sat around joking with the other volunteers, had many laughs people watching.  Another friend ended up meeting up with me at the parade, it was the first time we had hung out in a while. Not only was I having a genuine great time in the warm St Croix sunshine, I was rekindling an important friendship.  I definitely was not a girl alone and people did not avoid me while whispering behind their hands.

On Monday I went to the shelter to walk some of the dogs, they desperately need help with this.  I ended up walking six dogs and met a bunch of really nice people.  Again no angst.  I rarely have angst when animal angst is present, animal angst of any sort trumps my shit any day.  I’m hoping I can help these dogs on their way to finding forever homes as they help me right back.  A super cool group of people work at the shelter, everyone was really nice to me.  I walked six dogs, 4 big ones and two little ones.  Oh they were so happy to be out!  And they were such good dogs.  Oh I wish I could bring them all home.  I’m going back to walk them tomorrow.  My fingers are crossed some of them aren’t there anymore.  The secretary asked me if I wanted to help them this coming Sunday at a car show – to walk the dogs and use my big booming voice through the crowd to draw attention to the dogs being up for adoption.  It makes me happier than happy when someone is specifically asking me to USE MY LOUD VOICE as this rarely happens it’s always a “SHHHH Fran, god!” said in a most bitchy manner.  Yay yay YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!

So what’s different now versus a month ago?  2 months ago?  2 weeks ago?  First of all, the biggest change is that I am writing.  I’m writing consistently no matter what even when I don’t want to.  It’s coming out.  All of it.  I’m keeping up with this blog and I am journaling again even if it’s just a few sentences or I write “I don’t want to write right now” I am writing.  Which means I am alive.  Which means my brain is working towards a positive freeing action versus a dark spiteful coveting action.  I’m also AWARE of my insane insecurities and I’m not taking comfort in them.  I am fighting them tooth and nail.  I’m allowing myself a little slack to have bad moments, bad days, even bad weeks.  I’m no longer feeling like these occasional downturns are the way it’s supposed to be.  I’m quite tuned into the fact that it’s the depression that turns this all around on me and not the other way around.  Life is not supposed to suck and today it definitely doesn’t suck.  Pushing thru the insanity and consciously stopping it on Saturday has allowed me to get out of the house and out of my head.

Another positive step I have taken is work on maintaining my solid forever friendships as well as throwing out some olive branches to a few folks I walked away from for no reason.   It’s so nice when I allow myself to step out of resentmentville.  Where I covet everyONE and everyTHING else.  When I am envious of your struggles because at least you have something to struggle over.  When I’m not trapped in that insanity I am a lovely and delightful friend and of late I am cherishing getting to be that friend.  My mind isn’t eating itself telling me you are only friends with me because you feel sorry for me.

So back to balance.  It’s creeping into my life.  Ever so slowly, but’s that ok. I’m now able to see what so many friends and all of my therapists have stressed to me all along.  I am able to understand not every situation isn’t going to be the funnest most special time ever.  I have never wanted a canned evening on repeat over and over, I’m doing a really good job of making sure I’m not attempting to recreate one.   There is no need to devour this thing they call life, devour and hastily consume the moments of good.  Suck the life out of them before they have a chance to be enjoyed for real and with balance.  When I do that the good is over too quick and the bad that follows always lingers longer and is held deeper than any of the good.   The mental anguish is being pushed further and further away.  I’m really putting myself out there – mind body and soul and I’m enjoying myself versus deconstructing myself and every move I make.  It feels delicious and I am very determined to keep embracing the goodness of all the wonderful things and people around me.  I’m finally starting to feel and am able to embrace what I have been coveting for so long:  balance.

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." George Bernard Shaw

#nerdsunite

Click here to follow Fran on twitter!

#NerdsUnite: I just graduated college!! But um, now what? (Dr. Dr. Can You Tell Me the News)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Megan. She recently just graduated from SDSU and is now entering the world with a fresh pair of eyes in a stinky economy. In these series of posts she will discuss her thoughts and discoveries as she ventures out into the real world. Hit it Meg!!! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @MegCorbs

Here is the 5th installment of what I loving call: Anxiety is an asshole that I kicked to the curb. First installment can be found here, 2nd here 3rd here and 4th here. I'm hoping that by sharing my story I can somehow help anyone dealing with anxiety and show you that if I can beat it so can you!

******

My last post left off with me convincing my mom I needed help.

After I talked to my mom, I scheduled an appointment with Dr. R, who came highly recommended by a friend. To say I was nervous the days leading up the the appointment was an understatement. But the second I met her I felt this odd calm. She was so incredibly sweet and soft-spoken.

We had an hour and a half session and in that time she just let me talk about my past and present issues with anxiety and depression. I ended up balling like a baby because most of the stuff I was telling her, I hadn't talked to anyone about…EVER.  Then she explained that I'm not a freak and why I was feeling the way I was.

In most cases depression and anxiety go hand in hand and while I was able to kick the depression, the anxiety chose to stick around, which is usually what happens. Due to my CONSTANT anxiety I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder which is an anxiety disorder that is characterized by excessive, uncontrollable and often irrational worry about everyday things that is disproportionate to the actual source of worry. This excessive worry often interferes with daily functioning, as individuals suffering GAD typically anticipate disaster, and are overly concerned about everyday matters such as health issues, money, death, family problems, friend problems, relationship problems or work difficulties (thanks for that definition Wikipedia).

Remember how I mentioned all the horrible physical issues I was having too because of the anxiety? Here is a list that Wikipedia gives: Individuals often exhibit a variety of physical symptoms, including fatigue, fidgeting, headaches,nausea, numbness in hands and feet, muscle tension, muscle aches, difficulty swallowing, bouts of difficulty breathing, difficulty concentrating,trembling, twitching, irritability, agitation, sweating, restlessness, insomnia, hot flashes, and rashes and inability to fully control the anxiety.

Fun, huh?

As far as the panic attacks go, she explained that it is basically your body unnecessarily triggering your Fight or Flight reflex.

By the end of the appointment she had tentatively diagnosed me with G.A.D., panic disorder and underlying depression and prescribed me a low dose of an SSRI (Selective Serotonin Re-Uptake Inhibitors) with instructions to come back often in the next couple of months to regulate the drug and get the dosage just right.

While I am no doctor, here is what Dr. R was able to explain to me and I'll try my best to explain to you. Basically people with anxiety are known to get sudden surges of serotonin (a neurotransmitter) and SSRI's help to level it out and have a constant flow. The reason they also work with depression is it ups the serotonin that is most likely lacking.

The SSRI she prescribed is called Zoloft, which I have to take daily. While it is an anti-depressant it targets the same area of the brain as depression, anxiety and PTSD. With my history of depression she felt like it would be best to go this route, instead of just a straight up anxiety medicine, as a preventative measure.

She was awesome when she prescribed it to me and explained EVERYTHING in detail. Not in a way too dumbed down that it offends me way but in a I'm sorry you're going through this and I'll show how this will help way. Of all the SSRI's it's best to start with Zoloft. I was INCREDIBLY lucky to have the first prescription work without any bad side effects. Usually it takes a little playing around to find the right pill and dose (the dosage did take a few months though). The reason most doctors start with Zoloft is because it is in the middle of the scale. She explained it like there is the chamomile tea of SSRI's all the way to the Red Bull's and Zoloft is in the middle.

I also got a prescription for Lorazepam (it's similar to Xanax) but I didn't like it. Dr. R wanted me to take it to stop the panic attacks that would still happen until the Zoloft got completely into my system (takes up to a month). These medicines are just a short-term fix, so be careful if you are prescribed them because they can be habit forming. The Lorazepam just made me fall asleep so while it was nice to have while I was still getting panic attacks I didn't like the way it made me feel and I haven't taken it in years.

A lot of people look down on using medicine for mental health. While I agree that it isn't a quick fix, it is nothing to be simply dismissed. In addition to my medicine, I've had to do a LOT of soul searching and finding an outlet when I'm anxious (reading and writing). But for me, medicine saved my life. I don't care how over-the-top it sounds, the daily panic attacks were taking a HUGE toll on my body.

One of my biggest pet peeves is when people think medicine for anxiety, depression, etc is a joke, or doesn't work or there is a better way. If you don't/didn't need it, than that's fantastic! But when you say harsh words about something that could potentially help someone, you don't know the long term ramifications you can have on people that it CAN help. I personally would have been AT LEAST ONE YEAR ahead of where I am now.

Remember it is YOUR mental health. No one is in your head but you! Don't let anyone push you INTO OR AWAY from something that affects only you. I'm not writing this to be pro-medicine but anti-anxiety. Medicine and even writing these series of posts as helped me, but what is going to help you?

The medicine hasn't changed who I am. It has just made me a happier and healthier person. It took away the bitchiness and agoraphobia and let me LIVE LIFE again.  One day I do hope to get off of the medicine, but until then I'm just so incredibly grateful to have a handle of my life, not something I could have said a few years ago.

Next Up: Me Now.

#nerdsunite

Click here to follow Megan on twitter and check out her blog here

Want to take it out of 140 characters? Email: Mcorbett10@gmail.com

#NerdsUnite: I just graduated college!! But um, now what? (Panic Attacks and Stripper Poles)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Megan. She recently just graduated from SDSU and is now entering the world with a fresh pair of eyes in a stinky economy. In these series of posts she will discuss her thoughts and discoveries as she ventures out into the real world. Hit it Meg!!! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @MegCorbs

Here is the 2nd installment of what I loving call: Anxiety is an asshole that I kicked to the curb. First installment can be found here. I'm hoping that by sharing my story I can somehow help anyone dealing with anxiety and show you know that if I can beat it so can you!
*****

Leading up to college was a nightmare anxiety wise. I was about to leave my family, friends, everyone I knew and loved to move to a new city. I found out later that my parents actually didn't think I'd make it. I kept it together but was SO scared about what was to come.

That changed once I actually got there and realized that I could be ANYTHING I wanted to be. I didn't need to be the shy girl anymore. I mean, I could at least FAKE confidence, they didn't know what I was like in high school.

The distraction worked for a little while. While of course the anxiety was still there I could at least distract myself with the newness and excitingness of it all. Parties, boys, new friends, etc.

Then came that fateful night.

It was a typically party night on campus. I pre-gamed (aka took lots o shots) with my 2 partners in crime (L and M). I was inseparable from these girls. We did EVERYTHING together, not to mention that M was my suite mate in the dorms.

We set off to an apartment party that was only a 2 min walk. When we got inside all the furniture in the place consisted of a couch, stripper pole and kitchen table and the whole apartment was decked out in black lights. Classy, huh?

I got trapped talking to a guy that was also on our floor and having issues with L and their hooking up arrangement. He was saying some pretty awful things about her so of course I came to my friend's defense. He ended up getting pissed and storming away with some random girl.

I got up to look for M and L and could't find them anywhere. I strolled through the kitchen where there was a huge group of guys. They started pulling me and pushing me, being really suggestive the whole time. I freaked out and hightailed it the hell out of there.

As I was fleeing the apartment back to my dorm my heart started racing. I called one of my best friends at the time S and she tried to calm me down. Tears were flowing down my face and my hands and feet were getting all tingly. On the way back I see L and M who tell me that they were just dropping off M's sweater and were on their way back. They didn't say anything because I had been talking to L's duderino at the time.

I just screamed "YOU LEFT ME!" at the top of my lungs and ran away. By the time I climbed the 7 floors to my room (because waiting for the elevator sounded horrible) I was a complete mess.  I started hyperventilating (and not because of the stairs) and had to stick my head between my legs to help with dizziness.

By the time the girls got there and started pounding on my door I felt like I wasn't in control of my body or my racing mind. It feels like you are being sucked into some dark hole and are trying to claw your way out.

In the midst of this I was screaming obscenities and saying absolute horrible things to the girls about leaving me. Even though looking back they obviously thought I was fine and didn't know about the creepers in the kitchen, at the time I blamed them for everything.

It took me awhile to realize that I had a panic attack. My first of MANY to come. M is still one of my closest friends today but this incident created a wedge between us that took A LONG time to overcome and I can honestly say I don't blame her for that.

Next up: Lots and Lots of panic attacks and realizing I needed help...

#nerdsunite

Click here to follow Megan on twitter and check out her blog here

Want to take it out of 140 characters? Email: Mcorbett10@gmail.com