#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @Saintpepsi
It's a scary thing to realize that what you say actually is heard. I have been writing now for about a year. Poetry and articles alike. I have been saying things all my life. A lot of what I say hasn't always been kosher. I have been known to say things just to get a reaction. I have always marveled at just what people might find offensive and pushed myself to see it. Call it a social experiment I've been engaged in for the last 7 years. So for a general part of these last 7 years my soapbox has been confined to the area within earshot. Facebook has afforded me a wider audience but not so much that it ever mattered. A creative writing professor told me once, “Write something that people agree with and a select audience will hear it. Write something people disagree with or are offended by and the world listens.” I don't try to offend anyone I just don't really care what I say or who I say it to. This has caused me more troubles than I like to admit and also granted me access to some of the most interesting conversations I have ever had. That being said there are times things I've said have gone to far.
Recently, I posted a quote from a friend who was drunk. She wasn't thinking about what she was saying and I found it funny enough to post it on facebook. Trouble with that is; I have an audience now. As unlikely as that seemed to me. I have people that read what I write and are directly or indirectly influenced. I didn't ever really comprehend that until this quote was posted. I had people defriend me and worse still my Mother threatened to convince the whole of my family on facebook to defriend me. It hasn't happened yet but I'm not holding my breath. The quote, in my mind wasn't horrible. It was certainly vulgar and in that there lies the birth of the fallout. The straw that broke the camels back if you will. My mother called me out on all the crazy things, I have written and drawn. Telling me facebook isn't the place for nude art even if it is art. That the articles I wrote for the site www.talknerdytomelover.com have been raunchy at best. That I had an impact in this world and that impact is becoming larger. Basically, that people were listening.
This whole exchange caused me to sit back and think on things. I know that the stuff I post can sometimes be offensive or in bad humor. I haven't ever felt bad for anything I do or say. In that regard I guess you could classify me as a psychopath. The dictionary defines a psychopath as a person afflicted with a personality disorder characterized by a tendency to commit antisocial and sometimes violent acts and a failure to feel guilt for such acts. While I am rarely prone to violence the whole no guilt thing rang true. I don't ever feel guilty for any of the things I say or the actions I take in life. I view even missteps as just times of learning. Not so much as times to feel guilty for saying or doing the wrong thing. I don't regret anything really in my life. I knew after I received a generous helping of critical comments on my quote that I ought to take it down. I did just that. I rarely take down any status, even if it is in bad taste. Still the reason I took it down wasn't because of guilt. The reason was something that my brothers fiance had said to my mother about me. She said her little sister looks up to me.
That scared me more than any threat of being defriended. I never in my life considered myself a role model. Never thought I was someone anyone would look up to or admire. Call it self doubt or a lack of confidence either way I was shocked. My mom said that people all over my home town read the articles I write and the things I say on facebook and it gets back to her at work and to my brothers in school. My grandma was even scared I would be a bad influence on my younger twin brothers when they came to college. Personally, that's probably true. Although I don't know if I would classify it as being a bad influence. I have a zeal for life, that I can only express as a love for living it without looking back. So often times I never see what happens in the wake of my footsteps. I live by a strict moral code and that is probably what keeps my psychopathic tendencies at bay. I generally try to be a good person, I believe with all my heart that you should love others for who they are and never judge them. I believe that only true sexual passion happens with a connection formed in love and anything other than that is frivolous. I believe that our time here is short and living it without regrets, lies, and secrets is truly the only way to be free. Still my words spill like venom from a snake and I can see now that they have effected others. They have affected my relationships and friendships. I generally try to keep in step with the social morals that stop me from really muddling my relationships. Still in the whole of my life I have always hated censorship.
So I went to my closest friends and asked them what they thought of me. If they shared my current assumption that I am indeed a psychopath. It would seem they are all in disagreement. While my roommate Nathan said if I thought I was I should see a therapist. He said I had an empathetic side that wouldn't allow me to truly be a psychopath. My mother said it was a silly self diagnosis. That any self diagnosis is generally wrong. So the more I thought on the matter as a whole; the more I came to the assumption that I am many things to many people. To further explain my assumption I would say to the world that knows me through my art and postings on the net it would be quite clear that I drink, smoke, watch naked girls, and have a very crude sense of humor. That is what you would gather based off my postings alone. However, for those people that know and interact with me in my real life. I see a completely different take on me. The people I interact with daily seem to think I'm a very good person, who would drop what they are doing to help a friend. Always listen when someone needs to spill, and fight for my beliefs and the beliefs of my friends.
So does this mean the things I post online should be edited to show a more refined Jordan. You see dear readers I am under a powerful assumption that I will do something to embarrass my mother or friends on facebook, or in real life. There's precious little I can do to avoid it. I am doing better about things I say but I know better than any that I will say things I shouldn't. I'll fall to my own divisive tendencies and throw a rock through that glass window of perception. I believe Jen picked me as a writer because I am unashamed to share my mind on any topic I'm writing about no matter how vulgar. I don't bend to well to social doctrine. Best and worst of all I don't lie. So no need to go back and cover my tracks... ever.
I love writing for the site, I love drawing the things I draw, and I love the poetry I write. The only things I feel I need to do is get better at them all. I want to be better at grammar so I can write columns with the sound knowledge that I don't need an editor. I want to be able to draw things so great people will pay me enough to live off it. I want to write poems that demand to be taken on tour. I want the world that sees me though the window that is social media to see me as who I am on and off the net. This will probably require me to post more about myself. Posting more of the things I find inspirational and not just funny. Giving a bit more of myself to show this small spinning blue pebble just what all I am capable of. Whether that be world domination or just making enough of a mark to be remembered. I aim to achieve greatness. For those of you thinking of defriending me for my random and occasional vulgar spurts or nude images. I'm sorry, there shall probably be more to follow. I'll try and remember to censor the language and boobs where I can, but no promises. I tend to tell stories, draw pictures, and spin rhythms the way I see them. Sometimes real life isn't sugarcoated and lord knows I'm not either.
To those of you that do read my work and I am a role model to. You rock! Thank you so much for reading. For listening to this one voice in the mad hustle of this world. I'll try and do you all proud. I'll do my best to be the very best I can be. I know I'm not a psychopath. I know I rarely feel guilt. Stand by me and this will be a journey. It will be an adventure and through my eyes and yours I plan on experiencing all I can before that final sunset. Now that I know you are listening you can expect great things. With an audience comes the desire to always make yourself better. So keep watching and see me progress to something great. If it happens you are the reason it did. I'll throw that thanks out there right now.
Thursday, April 21, 2011 at 1:55PM
