#YesAllWomen: A male's perspective

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @Saintpepsi

It's a little disheartening to think that any man can claim to know just what it's like to be a woman.

- To tell them to suck it up.

- To be more accepting of advances as they are really just compliments no matter how grotesque the pick up line might be.

- To assume that we have any measure by which to judge their experiences.

We are very different sexes.

In theory equality would be a fantastic ideal to achieve. In reality men will always be given a pass.

Rarely are we judged on our sexual actions, rarely do we fear walking home in the dark, rarely do we have to suffer cat calls and beratements based on our attire. Men as a whole sex have no idea what a girl goes through on a daily basis.  No matter what small inconvenience we may have suffered once. It is not something we have to live with everyday. We can’t wrap our heads around it, because it is not our reality. So we stay silent because we don’t know what to say. Some men will sympathize, but no man can empathize.  It would seem the only time men have something to say is when it comes to defending their honor. Because we are all honorable aren’t we. When women make broad sweeping statements about all men being some way. We react in hostility saying #NotallMen.

Even if you are blameless in your life for helping firmly establish misogyny. You are still reaping the benefits of that birthright you acquired between your legs. We as a sex have taken everything from women. Their right to choose their own medical plans, their right to walk without fear,the right to an opinion that goes against the commonly held beliefs, their last names, their trust and worst of all their faith in an equal society. Not only have men taken these things, they react in the most redundant way. Blaming either a period or assuming she’s just crazy. Because all women are crazy… Right!

If I had to walk in the shoes of a woman for a day I’d be insane too. A full attire for a man down to his underwear could cost less than 70 bucks 150 if you are dressing nice. For a girl double if not triple that. If I couldn’t leave the house without fear of being analyzed by every person I pass girl or guy based on how I looked I would be a little freaked out to leave my house. Just to meet standards given by an industry run by men. If I had to suffer strangers pushing through my personal bubble just to talk to me because they KNOW I must be so interesting only to win a number and high five some friends. A number I probably gave you so you would get the fuck away from me and I could go back to talking to my friends reminding myself to block or not answer any unknown numbers or people I saved in my phone as creepy guy 15. YES! 15 I have seen it in my friend’s phones. Not all Men are the problem, but you can be damn sure men are what keeps the inequality alive and well. I have had friends who were raped, sexually abused, and sexually taken advantage of even in relationships. Not a few. More than that. This entitlement that men feel they have to always get what they want is despicable. I have walked in those shoes before. I have wondered how could this woman not like me? I'm such a nice guy and other excuses for plain bad chemistry or even good chemistry. Where I am in total disbelief that she can’t see our friendship as more. Even if all she really wanted was a guy who saw her as a friend and not a sexual object. Seeing her with guys I assumed were douche bags. Why are they douche bags? She’s not with me and I want her. That’s why.  Why would I think these things? Why wouldn’t I wait and see if who I am matters more, than what I want.  It took me years to realize that I don't deserve any woman. They are not things to have or acquire like some sort of new toy. They are human beings pure and simple. They should be treated with the same respect given anyone.

I work part time as a bouncer and I can tell you the greatest difference between men and woman at the bar is how they enter. What are they looking for. While some girls desires may be sexual they are generally looking to be social, dance, experience life a bit with friends. Maybe even find a little romance. For men they come in as a predator right off the bat. Looking to satisfy an insatiable lust that needs something to devour. Even if they don’t come to the bars for that reason, the pressure to not leave alone compiles and by the end of the night you are making a drunken fool of yourself just to get a girls attention. Just remember to blame the alcohol.  Nightly I hear as I check ID’s, “So are there any hot girls here tonight.” With everyone’s standards of beauty so very different how am I to know what you are looking for. Even if they don’t ask me up front I will still see them walk in, look around, and then leave saying there aren’t any girls here. Not people they know, but strangers to prey. They come to get something and no matter how many times they strike out, they will fight on to find what they want. Men are the Mormons of the sexes. Knock on a enough doors and someone is bound to say yes.

Most of the girls that I see go home with random Joes do so out of sheer unwillingness to fight to stay or leave alone. It has become easier to accept a reality of misogyny than to fight back against it for fear of the tide of remarks that follow. Deny a man at the bar, you’re a bitch or a lesbian. Sometimes said to your face in an anger undeserved of a casual refusal. Other times said with in earshot so they can hear and know the mistake they made by not accepting this gentleman. I used air quotes when I said gentlemen. The problem will always be put at the feet of the woman. I actually had one girl tell me she gives guys a blow job just so they leave her house. Why does this work, how can we claim to be men if we don’t act like human beings. It’s not like girls don’t have a choice. Girls could get laid any night if they wanted to. Fact! Men are so driven to acquire that it’s far too easy to get a yes. Girls say no because they have been shamed into believing that if they allow their sexuality to show they will be called sluts by both sexes. Even the terminology is screwed up. Men who fuck around are players. All these arguments have been made time and time again. If I tell you a girl is a slut you would look at her differently, even if you don’t know her. If I told you a guy is a player even as a warning. There’s a cultural norm to almost praise him for his conquests.  

Look through the comments of any girls photos on facebook and witness them broken down into pieces of flesh. Cuts of meat with dollar signs attached to distinguish value. How can you fight against such a horrible reality, but to give in and assume this is the norm. That peer pressure and undaunted repetition will ultimately yield results. Knowing if it doesn’t, you will branded as a prude. It sickens me to see the anonymous nature of the internet breed more misogyny. With demeaning language thrown about to contort a woman into believing she is less than human, because she doesn’t meet an impossible standard. To sit in judgement of a woman for having not put on makeup for a trip to the grocery store. When Men are required to do nothing in prep for any event.  No you can’t say shave considering a girl has to shave half their body weekly. Heaven forbid a woman leaves the house without her mask. That’s really what it becomes though. A mask that all womankind must wear. Not because it is a choice they have been given, no it is requirement of society. Wear your makeup, and 4 layers of clothing on a hot summer day. to ward off the eyes of the unknown. So you don’t make it on some internet trolling site that snaps photo’s of girls to compare. Without permission or consent.  I have played the gentleman role, protector role, and guardian to girls just trying to make it home safe.  I have been there to hold my friend hands in fear. Hugged those taken advantage of.Through all this I will never know… truly know what it is like to be a girl. To be an object, not a person. Sadly, they will never know true peace. For a life lived in fear of the nonintellectual response by a group of unenlightened people is the assumed normal our society has to offer. I do not hate men, I hate what we have established and perpetuate.

#nerdsunite

click here to follow Jordan on the twittah!

#RealDeal: Burdens of a Bouncer

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Jordan. He was one of the first writers here on TNTML and he's a really rad mofo. I forget how we first started talking - but he lives allllllll the way over in Kansas and wants to talk to you about life from his side of the monitor in the keyword of nerd. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT JORDAN!! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @SaintPepsi

I haven't been a bouncer for long. Lord knows I have far less stories to tell than the average seen it all bouncer at any bar. I can only say that being a bouncer puts you in another world. A  world where you are what stands between the drinker and the drink they want.

I've witnessed very interesting things in the very brief few nights I’ve bouncing. I will have more stories to tell after I have had more experience. I work at three different bars all owned by the same people. So you get three very different clientele. The first is a fancy night club esq bar called Kathouse. They have ample amounts of room to dance and generally moderate drink prices. This being one of maybe four bars that focus on the dancing aspect of Manhattan's nightlife it’s usual attendees are either there just to dance or to try and hook up. There is a dress code here that forbids the wearing of tank tops for men and the need for women to at least have their privatized real estate in off limits for the viewing of others. It goes without saying that I have watched girls hike up their skirts as soon as they are in. In one case we escorted a girl out that felt the ample air conditioned atmosphere was just too hot and went boldly about in her bra.

The second AggieStation is a more relaxed and casual bar that allows people to talk and get to know each other. With many tables to sit at you are rarely on your feet. This bar so far has the least amount of drama. Much smaller and more intimate. The dress is casual to fancy and the patrons treat it with respect as it represents a finer arena for consumption than the noisy and unkempt bars up the street.

Lastly, Aggie Central home of local music. Other bars pull in bands but this is the only one that can adequately handle a concert in the ville. The people that frequent nights here range immensely based on the the type of music being played. As does the atmosphere. A very large bar with a decent patio section it gets it’s fair share of commerce.

The rules I adhere to aren't rigorous. Yet, still there are those that find them a horrible inconvenience. Bouncers are treated like cyclists in traffic. God forbid someone holds you up for literally 20 seconds. As customers you must remember to make noises that children make when they don't get something they want. Fidget madly as the girl they came with gets in ahead of them... because jealousy can rear it's head in 10 seconds or less. Clench your fist as I check the legitimacy of your license because you know it's real... why don't I? Look offended if I let you in without checking your ID because you are obviously older than 40. I don't know if patience is something we have quickly evolved out of in our species but we damn sure need to re-introduce it to society.

We get everything as quick as we want it, we look at any hindrance to our goal as the end of the Goddamn world. In my brief time as a bouncer I will say that this would solve 90% of all door drama. The haste you demand in both entrance and service is not granted to you because let's face it you aren’t famous. Even the ones that are... aren't. You are just a person like the Joe Schmoe in front of you. You are all the same and until I know you personally, don't expect me to give you any special treatment. I have worked a grand total of 12 days and in that very short time. I have been smacked in the face, several girls grinded on me because I guess I’m tall enough to be mistaken as a pole, I've been asked some weird questions about werewolves and shapeshifters, I've had people demand I tell them a joke, grant them entrance, an confess their desire to exchange something for admittance because they just happened to forget their license. Seriously, you do not go to the Bar district and forget your license... that's like going to the airport without your ticket. I'm sure it happens, but you aren't getting on that plane and you aren't getting in this bar.

Rules of etiquette for a bouncer are as follows. Be patient. Your haste will only strengthen my resolve to slow your pace. Don’t cut in line, that’s a dick move anywhere. Look me in the eye. If I’m checking your ID I have to look at your face. Don’t bring your mom to use her as a verifier. It makes you look really pathetic. Don’t demand any service of me or anyone else. We don’t get paid enough to deal with your bullshit. At the end of the night when asked to leave it is best you do so. We may have rules of our own, but state law says you have to be out by 2. We aren’t risking our jobs for your need to finish a drink you have been nursing for 30 minutes. Yes, I know our clocks are fast and you are aggravated because your watch says it’s only 1:45. No, I don’t care that you only want one more drink and you’ll make it fast. If I say you are out the bartenders will back me up and so will the cops next door.

Just some thoughts so far in my new adventures as a bouncer. See you all out this weekend.

#nerdsunite

click here to follow Jordan on the twittah!

#NerdsUnite: Spark to Fire‏

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Jordan. He was one of the first writers here on TNTML and he's a really rad mofo. I forget how we first started talking - but he lives allllllll the way over in Kansas and wants to talk to you about life from his side of the monitor in the keyword of nerd. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT JORDAN!! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @SaintPepsi

I have been dating my girlfriend now for about 6 months. She came to me the other day worried and nervous about the honeymoon phase ending. That she didn’t know what to expect because she had never really had a long term relationship. She was fearful about that initial spark fading away. I don’t blame her. Many a relationship has met its doom after the first flight high towards the sun. Then burning up like Icarus’s wings and plummeting to the rocks below. Finding little to nothing in common with each other, aside from the physical fascination that kept them afloat for the three months prior. Failing like a fad diet and putting on the pounds of regret and time lost. So I told her as I will tell you all now, about the end of the honeymoon phase.

So often we find ourselves fully wrapped up in the origin of a relationship. Getting to know someone seems so thrilling when you literally know nothing about the other person. Not really. Which may explain why being close friends first steals the honeymoon phase before you even have it. With someone new you are introducing them to the things you like and trying the things they enjoy. It’s all so fantastic. As the days go by though you start to find that the things you thought were so cute at first may end up annoying you. The time you spend together becomes a chore and you wonder what other things you could be doing. You start scheduling times to hang out because being spontaneous leaves you sleep less and without energy. Sexually, you may have tried it all and the thrill of it could become common practice and less than adventurous. The honeymoon phase is ending. One of you starts to pull away and the other either takes a hint and leaves or tries harder to win back the affection lost. The spark is dying. The time is lost. The relationship is becoming an estranged friendship. It’s hard to keep going when you are losing interest, keep in mind we all have 15 sec attention spans anymore. So how do you go about keeping the interest alive? I’m sure there are hundreds of magazines and books written on this. So here’s my take on keeping that spark.

The trick is, to add wood to that spark. You can’t keep a fire going if you aren’t stoking the coals and adding more kindling. Never lose sight of who you are with or take them for granted.  A successful relationship takes that spark that started it and turns it into a fire. Each party should be giving and taking almost equally. You should cultivate a partnership that’s mutually beneficial. Communication should be key in this. Open conversation acts as Oxygen or fuel. The conduit to understanding what they want in the developing relationship. Where they want it to go and what they want from it. They also need to know your desires in this regard. You need to learn how to read a person when they aren’t saying anything at all.  In these times they will be telling you more than they ever could verbally. Focus on the happiness and keeping each other happy. Anyone can nitpick the bad, the faults, the discrepancies in a relationship. Littering their mind with excuses for why it could and should end. Sweep that trash away and live to be loved. Embrace the desire you have to create lasting moments and memories. With each day find some way to add a log onto that fire. Seek to create the eternal flame. If you can’t or don’t want to; then chances are this relationship with fall into the heap of failures you judge each new possibility on. If you can’t or won’t work at it you won’t get the rewards of a real relationship. Lust and curiosity is the spark, love and knowledge is the fire.

Speaking of judging, never compare someone to a previous Ex. I know you will. You can’t avoid it. Just don’t let it change how you see this new possibility.  Every person is different and you will find qualities you both like and dislike about this person. Things you will have liked about others that are not present in the new. Things you wish they would do, but don’t. Too often we compare everything to previous incarnations. Just think about how you feel after every new version of Doctor Who! Think music and how this band’s last album was way better, never realizing that the band is growing and trying new things. So too will you be with each new person you pursue. You probably won’t find, “the one” right off the bat. So you work towards it. The greatest injustice you can ever commit is comparing anyone to your “What-If”. The Girl that Got Away. The Pedestal of Perfection. See sometimes the relationship you build in your head without it ever happening will be the most damning thing you have ever created. Your assumption of the best through a made up reality will only sever all ties with anyone that doesn’t live up to that pedestal. Over all just be happy you have someone, when so many others are still looking.

With the hundreds of dating sites out there all seeking to match people with someone, they size you up though a web profile based on lies you tell, where the other person is probably lying. Or worse discarding those who are too honest because honesty makes you seem less likable in the origins of dating. If you have found someone that really makes you smile. Treasure that. Fall madly in love. I for one had a lot of doubt about this current relationship, because I didn’t have to walk through fire to catch her. I didn’t have to overcome outstanding odds to be with her. I didn’t have to prove myself better than other suitors. It just seemed to happen. So the fire I didn’t have to walk through turns out to be the fire I have created from the spark. The outstanding odds I overcame were the chance that I was randomly at the right time and place. I didn’t have to prove myself over other suitors, because I may be a weird shaped puzzle piece... but this is where I fit. I have spent every day making sure she knows that this spark that started our relationship, will lead to a fire that will consume the rest of our lives and maybe just maybe we will rise from the still burning ashes as a couple tested in the fires of devotion, communication, love, and acceptance. All the doubt and disbelief left as only ash behind us. I’m not looking for a happily ever after or a princess just a person that gets me. Can anyone really ask for any more than that?

#nerdsunite

click here to follow Jordan on the twittah!

#NerdsUnite: It All Started With a Kiss

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Jordan. He was one of the first writers here on TNTML and he's a really rad mofo. I forget how we first started talking - but he lives allllllll the way over in Kansas and wants to talk to you about life from his side of the monitor in the keyword of nerd. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT JORDAN!! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @SaintPepsi

So there I was alone again for New Years. It would seem holidays and I rarely get along. No one was even in Manhattan, KS for New Year’s. Luckily, my friend Bri came out so I actually had someone to hang out with.

It was snowing and cold as balls. I had no intention of making a mad dash to find someone to kiss for New Years. For the last few months I had basically, given up on my search for a girl. A few sparks that quickly died with barely so much as a fire started. So I was content with my bachelorhood. Settling in for the long winter ahead.

Midnight struck and Bri kisses her boyfriend and I am left staring up at the lasers hitting snow and illuminating it, creating a look like glitter falling everywhere. If ever there was a magical moment it should be now. I turned and said who is giving me a New Year’s kiss. Three guys took off assuming I meant them. So I parted ways with Bri intent on heading home soon thereafter. She doesn't do well in the cold and as cold as it was I didn’t blame her for taking off so soon after midnight.  Still I figured I would take one turn around the ville to see if anyone else I knew was out and about. Knowing I had friends at this tiny and might I add horrible bar at the end of the road I decided to start there.

A gay friend of mine was drinking there and I figured if nothing else I could get a New Year’s kiss from him. I did! It wasn’t all fireworks, but I’m sure there was some glitter involved. I was slightly content. Hey! At least I got a New Year’s kiss and I was a bit far gone on Champlain. Walking outside for a smoke I looked up and from the swirling snow a girl is walking towards me that used to work at the Plasma center. I yelled “PLASMA GIRL.” She said, “or Kristi!” with a slight annoyance and come to find out later she really hated being called Plasma girl. I asked her what brought her to this dark corner of the ville. She replied she was coming to see the same friend I was hanging out with. “What a crazy random happenstance!” I mentioned, “That's who I'm here with.” Then I asked if she had gotten her New Year’s kiss yet? Keep in mind I had 2 bottles of bubbly confidence residing in my belly. She said, “I’ve never gotten a New Year’s kiss before.” So I just leaned in a kissed her. Just like that. Seriously, I surprised myself. I fully anticipated getting slapped. She just smiled and we both walked into the bar. That smile. I tell you what I was hooked. We all went from bar to bar after that and parted ways for the night later.

The next day I messaged her on Facebook letting her know I didn't mean to steal a kiss and if she wanted to: I would love to take her out for a legit date. Promising that my Facebook photos were kinda lying in how crazy they made me seem. Generally, I come to find out most to be friends and especially girl are terrified by the initial research into my Facebook page. Well they are kinda true, but usually only half the story. Still she said yes. Keep in mind I entered into this under a safe assumption she would say no. No belly full of confidence this time. So you can imagine my surprise when she said. “Yes.” To clarify I said date. I have found not calling things dates in the past, rarely worked out in my favor.  So that following Wednesday, even though I had to wake up at 5 am the next morning, I was going to power through. It had been a while since I had been on a legit date. So we met up for coffee around 7:30. Talked till they closed down and moved it to a local bar. Then on to Mae's and almost closed them down. I walked her to her car and we said our goodbyes. I didn't know how the rule went for kissing; as we had already done that so I just reset the date meter and gave her a lingering hug. Which was matched in return. She told me we had to go see Les Miserable the following week. I told her, “Sure if you want to see me cry.” To which she replied, “Of course and I’ll make fun of you for crying.”  So yeah! She scheduled the next date. A girl that's actually into me and I don't have to chase like it's the end of the world. Did I mention she has a smile that lights up a room.

Les Miserable is not a date movie. It is very long and painful to watch. Don’t get me wrong it’s a beautiful movie, wonderful acting, great singers. Absolutely filled with sadness. We did not leave that theater feeling uplifted at all. So I had been feeling sick this week. A horrible trade off. When I went to drop her off at home I told her, “I really wanted to kiss you goodnight, however I have a head cold and didn’t want you to get sick.” Without hesitation or pause for thought she fires back, “I’ve had my shots!” We kiss! That’s movie timing folks. This girl is the bee’s knees. Crazy how I was not looking for a girl, deciding to totally sign off on the search for someone and life just lets one in. I’m not complaining either. This girl actually has her life together. She isn’t crazy, at least not in the way I am used to girls being crazy. I have actually been having a hard time just accepting the happiness that has come with this. I’m used to so much drama, to me fighting so hard to prove myself as a worthy contender for a girls heart. That when this girl accepted mine it left me in stark disbelief. Almost waiting for the hammer to drop. Something in the back of my mind saying, “Nope it’s too good to be true something horrible is about to happen.” Time to silence both my mind and any of the disbelief and just be content that maybe, just maybe I have lucked out in finding a remarkable woman whom I shall not be taking for granted.  I can’t wait to see where this coupling leads me. If happiness is the byproduct of a few weeks then a joy filled life might just be the result of further time spent with her.

#nerdsunite

click here to follow Jordan on the twittah!

#NerdsUnite: Midwest Music (Jessica Furney)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Jordan. He was one of the first writers here on TNTML and he's a really rad mofo. I forget how we first started talking - but he lives allllllll the way over in Kansas and wants to talk to you about life from his side of the monitor in the keyword of nerd. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT JORDAN!! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @SaintPepsi

Just recently, the bar I haunt Auntie Maes, had something called Free Music Fridays... because paying three bucks to see a musician is outrageous. Sigh... people can be so cheap. It’s put on by the local paper I work for called, “The Hype.” So I was there supporting the local musicians. Mostly, for my little sister’s boyfriend’s metal band, “White.” So imagine my surprise when directly following the dark metal they performed, came the voice of an angel accompanied by guitar. A stark contrast to the metal for sure. I checked the flyer for the show and found the new singer to be Jessica Furney. I was struck by the raw power her vocals sent out. Her voice drawing a crowd of drunken bar flies to an almost silence. Listening intently to her sing her original songs and covering some well-known ones in her own way. Song after song as she held our attention fast. I dared not even chance a conversation for fear of missing a single note.

I thought surely, this voice has had more of a following than this tiny bar. Finding out later in conversation, that she had actually made top 46 on American Idol. From hearing her that night, I can honestly say they cut her off short. She should have made the finals. Her takes on songs both contemporary and from days of old breathed new life into each incarnation. She summoned a force that rushed through the crowded bar like a hurricane gale.  Each selection followed with thunderous applause. “This should not have been a free show,” I kept thinking to myself. 

Luckily, I caught her singing, “House of the Rising Sun.” It may just be the opinion of one humble writer, but her voice moves something inside of you. While this is just a cover and you can well say, “Sure, anyone can sing someone elses music.” She later linked me to her personal Youtube channel where she had several original works posted. All of which I heard that night too. Still you may not have had a chance to sample her soulful voice brought to light with lyrics that play across your heart. Tempting the forlorn to act, brings couples closer, and ending every night with a kiss of her sweetest music. Let me enlighten you to her own works crafted with the heart of a girl,  that has so much more to offer to the world than the few songs for an American Idol. She breathes life into the heart land with verses to sway the soul.

So in closing if you have heard Jessica Furney... if unlike me you chanced upon her in American Idol and always wished you could have heard more. Please give her some love on her Youtube Channel and spread the word of this sweet songstress. She has the drive to prove herself for far more than this town has to offer her. That being said I feel so blessed to have witnessed her in my own favorite bar. Maybe someday I will PAY to hear her singing for audiences of thousands. God willing fate will choose her to move your heart too.

#nerdsunite

click here to follow Jordan on the twittah!